The Life of Tom Thumb

2007-12-21
Simon Charles
MURP
Proofed and reviewed
T067572
CW3312766997
0048201100
THE Life, Death, and Renovation OF TOM THUMB; A LEGENDARY BURLETTA, IN ONE ACT, As it is PERFORMED at the ROYAL CIRCUS.
Printed in the Year MDCCLXXXV.
CHARACTERS.
KING,
MR. JOHANNOT,
TOM THUMB,
MASTER GERALD,
O'GRIZZLE,
MRS. HENLEY,
NOODLE,
MR. HENLEY,
DOODLE,
MR. COPELAND,
MERLIN,
MR. LEECH,
DOLLALOLLA,
MRS. HASKER,
GLUMDALCA,
MR. LEECH,
HUNCAMUNCA,
MISS JAMESON.
THE Life, Death, and Renovation OF TOM THUMB.
SCENE. Anti-Chamber in the Palace.
NOODLE and DOODLE meeting.
DUETTO.
THIS is a day, in days of yore,
Our fathers never saw before;
This is a day, 'tis one to ten,
Our sons will never see again.
Then sing the day,
And sing the song,
And let's be merry
All day long.
This is the day,
And that's the night,
When the sun shall be gay,
And the moon shall be bright.
The sun shall rise
All in the skies,
The moon shall go
All down below.
Then sing the day, &c.
RECITATIVE.
DOODLE.
This is a day—a day—a day, my Noodle,
We never saw before.
NOODLE.
'Tis true, friend Doodle,
Millions of captive giants hither come,
Crowding the chariot-wheels of Tommy Thumb,
Who is, his praise in one short word to lump it,
A sucking god.
DOODLE.
But hark! that jocund trumpet
The King announces.
NOODLE.
I must go, friend Doodle.
DOODLE.
And I also, sweet-spoken Mr. Noodle.
For oh! the court is shook with dire alarms,
And all 'bout arms and love, and love and arms.
AIR.
What's the warrior's feuds and quarrels,
Deeds of arms and swelling fame,
If love keep not alive his laurels,
And add new lustre to his name?
Hard blows for honour a poor trade is,
In either foreign wars or civil;
But when we arm to please the ladies,
Who'd not with pleasure fight the devil?
SCENE II.
KING, QUEEN, and all the Court.
RECITATIVE.
KING.
Let all the world, man, woman, girl, and boy,
Dog, cat, and jack-ass, wear a face of joy;
The man that frowns to-day we'll knock un down,
Or cut off's head, and then he cannot frown;
Smile, Dollalolla—Ha!—what wrinkled sorrow
From thy sweet eyes their chearfulness doth borrow?
Why slow those tears—inform—say—tell—speak—utter—
Fast down thy blubber cheeks like a swoln gutter?
QUEEN.
That thus, my liege, I snivel beyond measure,
'Tis not excessive grief.
KING.
What then?
QUEEN.
Excessive pleasure.
KING.
I believe you lye, Doll.
QUEEN.
No, my Liege.
KING.
The Devil!
If it be so for joy let all men snivel.
AIR.
Tho' booby sages prate and chat,
There's nought so sure as this and that
To give the mind relief;
I say life's pleasure wants alloy,
And that the world has no such joy
As good substantial grief:
Let all before us
Bear a chorus,
Hum drum, lackaday,
Groan, moan, grunt away;
Life's pleasures want alloy,
In chorus then—cry for joy.
II.
The wretch who hides his hoard with care,
Jealous lest the very air
Should kiss the shining dross,
Let some one but his treasure steal,
Would he not more its value feel
When crying for its loss:
Let all, &c.
KING.
Cry all—that's right—be sorrier still, and sorrier,
But hark!—the little great Tom Thumb, that warrior,
Like Titus just—in cruelty a Nero.
SCENE III.
KING, QUEEN, the Court, GLUMDALCA, and TOM THUMB.
He comes—he comes—come to my arms, my hero,
Had I two realms, to reward thee I'd throw both in.
What shall I say to thank thee, Tommy?
TOM THUMB.
Nothing.
QUEEN.
Oh modest youth!
KING.
What figure strikes my eye,
So dubous I can neither laugh nor cry?
The Gods sure hammer'd out that form uncommon,
Who, having finish'd, cry'd—this is a woman.
GLUMDALCA.
Then were the Gods confoundedly mistaken:
I am a giantess, who this morn did waken
Queen of a kingdom—stor'd with giants plenty,
Whereof for husbands we ourself had twenty.
AIR.
Twenty giants at my call,
Gruff and grum, and strait and tall,
As Gog and Magog in Guildhall,
Did stately round me waddle:
But then, to see them in one day
Torn from my longing arms away,
Ah! who can live, and bear it say—
Oh! 'tis a monstrous twaddle.
QUEEN.
Ma'am, with a woman's eye we view your sorrow,
But be consol'd, tall queen; wait till to-morrow,
Your twenty giants, whose renown you've thundred,
Shall be replac'd by grenadiers a hundred.
KING.
Good manners to you, Madam, ne'er shall fail us;
Think us your landlord, and our court an alehouse;
Call here for what you please, and nothing pay:
But thee, Tom Thumb—what can reward thee say.
TOM THUMB.
My liege, would you requite my deeds in arms,
Let me possess sweet Huncamunca's charms.
AIR.
If helmet and spear, buckler, arrow, and bow,
And such kind of objects, can charm her eye,
As many I'll bring as the Tower can shew,
Including both great and small armory:
With rub a dub,
And dub a dub rub,
I'll bet the proudest a guinea,
That ye girls you'll all say,
In love's battle array,
Tom Thumb is the lad that can win ye.
II.
In a husband like me a protector she'll find,
I can quarrel at will, or be civil,
To the ladies a hero should always be kind,
With the enemy fight like a Devil.
With a rub, &c.
KING.
Our daughter! why, you would not—stay—stop—
QUEEN.
Oh!
Lie still, my soul.
KING.
You shall—you sha'n't—yes—no—
His worth's a gem.
QUEEN.
Were it of the first water,
I say and swear he shall not wed my daughter.
TOM THUMB.
O gracious queen! those fatal words recall;
KING.
His merit weigh.
QUEEN.
He sha'n't.
KING.
Why then he shall.
AIR.
Know you, and yonder tiny thing,
Whatever hero he be,
Though he a gen'ral, you a king,
I'm one upon your tibby.
Yankee, doodle, dooble, doo,
Tho' I'm a little bibby,
I'm very clear, and I say, you—
I'm one upon your tibby.
II.
I give my daughter to a mouse!—
All gossip, gig, and patter,
I'll out of window turn the house,
Or shew you what's the matter.
Yankee, &c.
III.
My granaum, when she'd ta'en a sup,
Could scold, so could my mother,
Lest I should wrong my bringing up,
I'd out-scold one and t'other.
Yankee, &c.
IV.
Thus wives should give their husbands laws,
For tho' their tongues may fail 'em,
While they've such pretty things as claws,
They're always sure to nail 'em.
Yankee, &c.
SCENE IV.
KING, GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB.
KING.
Madam, before I rave, and rage, and lour,
At this same wife who doth usurp our pow'r,
Let us to you ourself our palace tender,
Our bread and cheese, life, and soul, surrender,
Forgetting t'other fiend, and all her sluttery,
Women—convey the princess to the buttery.
SCENE V.
KING, TOM THUMB.
KING.
Sure she's an angel, but the word's too poor,
A goddess—but I lye, I am not sure,
But that I love her—Madam's in the pouts,
What then! we were a pretty king of clouts
To truckle, fawn, and monkey tricks discover,
Each time she chuses to be half seas over.
AIR.
Shall I such indignity,
Oh! what malignity,
Who the pow'r regal have got all,
Who am Landgrave and Margrave,
And Lord Paramount,
And a king, and the devil knows what all.
Shall I buckle to
A virago, a shrew,
Who in ev'ry point overreaches,
No, her pride shall come down,
And I swear by my crown,
Henceforth we'll ourself wear the breeches.
SCENE VI.
TOM THUMB, NOODLE.
TOM THUMB.
Trust me, my Noodle, I am devilish qualmish,
For tho' I'd rather hang, or drown, or famish,
Than my true love should meet with a miscarriage,
Yet can I never gulp that pill call'd marriage.
But sniff—what perfume comes?—I tell thee flat,
'Tis Huncamunca—or some civet cat.
Let's wait, and see if life or death she brings.
Hark! she approaches, and behold! she sings.
SCENE VII.
TOM THUMB, NOODLE, HUNCAMUNCA.
AIR.
HUNCAMUNCA.
Cupid, ease a love-sick maid,
Bring thy quiver to her air;
With equal ardor wound the swain;
Beauty ne'er should sigh in vain.
Let him feel the pleasing smart;
Drive thy arrow thro' his heart;
When one you wound, you then destroy;
When both you kill—you kill with joy.
TOM THUMB.
Fain would I speak, but much I fear she'll scoff.
SCENE VIII.
To them KING.
KING.
Let all but Huncamunca march.
TOM THUMB.
I'm off.
KING.
Whence is it, daughter—say, you charming slut—
The windows of your eyes are lately shut?
What is the fatal cause?—for drink and meat
I've order'd thee as much as thou can'st eat.
HUNCAMUNCA.
That formerly I danc'd an Irish jig,
And once I eat two fowls and half a pig,
Is but poor praise—but think, my lord! oh! think!
A maid may want what none can eat or drink.
KING.
Take care!—what image on my fancy rushes!
HUNCAMUNCA.
I mean a husband, sir—but spare my blushes.
KING.
If that be all, I have provided one,
Who fears nor powder, ball, nor sword nor gun;
A devil of a fellow—guess him, come.
HUNCAMUNCA.
I'll bet five hundred that you mean Tom Thumb.
KING.
The window blinds are gone, and every glance
Seems standing up, to go down a country dance,
While thy big heart that thumping seems to labour,
Plays to that pipe, thy tongue the merry tabor.
AIR.
To Thumb will I
This moment hie,
Why should I longer tarry,
When they're agreed,
Lest worse succeed,
Folks cannot too soon marry.
Not that thy charms,
From deeds of arms,
Shall hold him, or his duty,
Heroes should burn,
Alike in turn,
For battle and for beauty.
So mighty Jove
Has fall'n in love,
And where's the mighty wonder?
But when on earth
Once o'er his wish,
He flies to wield the thunder.
SCENE IX.
HUNCAMUNCA, GRIZZLE.
HUNCAMUNCA.
I'm like a soldier safe return'd from scrimmage,
Or one from drowning sav'd, or like the image
That living issued from Prometheus' chissel,
But see the Irish general—great O'Grizzle.
GRIZZLE.
Where art thou Grizzle?—where are all thy glories?
Where all the nurses, who in frightful stories
Used to scare children sleeping on their pillar,
Like Malbrouk, Death, or Jack the Giant Killer.
Tom Thumb!—Shall such an ugly low spalpeen
First steal away my glory, then my queen?
How can so big a creature stoop so low,
Oh! Huncamunca—Huncamunca, oh!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Ha! dost thou know the princess that I am?
That thus of me you dare to make your game.
GRIZZLE.
Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you
Are queen, and princess, and king's daughter too
But musha honey, what the devil's dat,
Coblers and kings are dyed in the same vat,
Love knows no difference 'twixt high and low,
Oh! Huncamunca—Huncamunca, oh!
HUNCAMUNCA.
But, granting all you say of love were true,
My love, alas! is to another due;
In vain to me a suitoring you come,
For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb.
AIR.
GRIZZLE.
Is it little Tom Thumb that you mean, and his battles,
Arrah, send him for play-things some whistles and rattles,
At the sight of a sword all his nerves would be quaking,
He fight! he kill giants!—is it game you are making?
As well may you tell us dat eagles fear larks,
That mice eat up lions, and sprats swallow sharks,
Then talk not of any such nonsense to me,
With your confounded bod'rum bum boodle,
Liddle loodle,
Liddle lee.
II.
Tom Thumb, such a shrimp sure no eyes ever saw,
He handles his arms as a fly hugs a straw;
To be sure in the wars danger's certain to quit him,
For the taef 's such a flea there's no bullet can hit him;
And then as to courage, my jewel, hoot hoot,
Arrah, did not I find him chin deep in my boot?
Then talk not, &c.
III.
Tom Thumb marry you, musha honey, be aysy,
Were it not for your since I should tink you gone crazy;
Shall a fine stately ostrich thus wed a cock sparrow?
'Twere a halberd stuck up by the side of an arrow;
Or a fly on a church, or a mountain and mouse,
Or a pismire that crawls by the side of a house.
Then talk not, &c.
HUNCAMUNCA.
If, sir, what you insinuate you prove,
All obstacles of promise you remove;
For all engagements to a man must fall,
Whene'er that man is prov'd no man at all.
O'GRIZZL E.
To Doctors-Commons for a licence I
Will, like a bow shot from an arrow, fly.
AIR.
Tirlogh O'Grizzle is my name,
A martial trade I drive on;
Great hardships, starving, blows, and fame,
A gen'ral well may thrive on;
To fight at flank, and front, and rear,
I never yet was lazy;
Then take me in your arms, my dear,
And I warrant I make you easy.
Let's rant and revel,
And play the devil,
And roar like people crazy.
I'll lay any money,
My jewel my honey,
O'Grizzle shall make you easy.
II.
When dress'd out in your wedding geer,
Arrah, let no coxcomb tink, sir,
That I'll let him whisper in your ear,
Or even tip the wink, sir;
I'll well protect you, never fear,
Though all mankind run crazy.
Then take me, &c.
SCENE X.
HUNCAMUNCA and TOM THUMB.
TOM THUMB.
Where is my princess, where that face that catches
And lights my heart, like bundles of card matches?
Oh! let not discord ever come between us,
Thy true Adonis I, and thou my Venus!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Oh! what are sights to him who has no eye,
Or him who has no taste a fat goose pye?
Make not 'bout vows to me such a pother
For I, alas! am promis'd to another.
TOM THUMB.
Another!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Yes; O Grizzle, do but look;
Thou'lt see it writ in Fate's most fatal book.
TOM THUMB.
I'll tear the leaf out, and reverse the doom.
HUNCAMUNCA.
Oh! be not rash!—In my heart still there's room!
A maid like me was made at least for two,
I'll marry him, but first I marry you.
TOM THUMB.
Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Nay, don't stand chatt'ring there—t' th' wedding come.
AIR.
The younker, who his first essay
Makes in the front of battle,
Stands all aghast while cohorts play,
And bullets round him ratle.
But pride steps in, and now no more
Fell fear his jav'lin lances;
Like dulcet flutes the cannons roar,
And groans turn country dances.
So frights and flurries, and what not,
Upon my fancy rushes;
I fear I know not why or what,
I'm cover'd o'er with blushes.
But let the honey season fly,
To second well my clapper,
The kitchen's whole artillery
Shall grace my husband's napper.
SCENE XI.
NOODLE and O'GRIZZLE with a Licence.
NOODLE.
Sure nature's turn'd an ass—such doings scurvy
I never saw, the court's turn'd topsy turvy;
The queen is drunk, and to a sopha carried;
The king's stark mad in love—the princess married.
O'GRIZZLE.
Friend, hast thou Huncamunca seen this way?
NOODLE.
Oh! I have seen a thousand sights to day,
More rare than devils, goblings, fiends, or sprites;
The king and queen, and all the court, are sights.
O'GRIZZLE.
Where is my Huncamunca, gra?
NOODLE.
By now
At th' altar she's Tom Thumb's by solemn vow.
O'GRIZZLE.
My Huncamunca!—
NOODLE.
Your's—his—mine! for cheaper
Is not the sooty trull of chimney-sweeper.
O'GRIZZLE.
If this be true, the devil take ev'ry she.
NOODLE.
If it be false, the devil may take me.
SCENE XII.
O'GRIZZLE, KING, QUEEN, DOODLE, and all the Court—afterwards NOODLE.
KING.
Open the prisons—bring our privy purse,
And bid our treasurer six pounds disburse,
The lawyer's fees, and debtors debts to pay,
For this is of Tom Thumb the wedding day.
NOODLE.
Oh monstrous! dreadful! horror diabolic!
I'm scared and frighted 'till I've got the cholic.
KING.
What does the blockhead mean?
NOODLE.
I mean, your highness,
That first I'am shock'd—next petrified—and finis,
This is the fatal tale I have to utter—
Tom Thumb by chance had tumbled in a gutter,
When a fat brindled cow too quickly followed him,
And in a moment—can't you guess?
KING.
What!—swallow'd him?
NOODLE.
You've hit it,
KING.
Shut the prisons, grub up gardens;
And bid the treas'rer not disburse three fardens;
Hang all the thieves, guilty or not—no matter;
Let rapine, riot, and disorder clatter,
From lawyers, parsons, and physicians hurl'd,
'Till Chaos come, and quite deform the world.
QUEEN.
Take hence with thee thy news to Lethe's tide. [Kills Noodle.
O'GRIZZLE.
To revenge my friend thus I turn'd regicide. [Kills the Queen.
HUNCAMUNCA.
Thee do I kill, for thou hast killed my mother. [Kills O'Grizzle.
DOODLE.
Die thou for an old grudge. [Kills Huncamunca.
KING.
Thou for another. [Kills Doodle.
And take thou this, O miserable King!
And now let all their dying speeches sing!
CATCH.
Alas! I go
To the shades below!
Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!
Death holds me so
I cannot go,
Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!
Oh!—oh!—oh!—oh!
SCENE the last —MERLIN rises.
MERLIN.
Who is it dares to die within these walls?
King, queen, and court jump up—'tis Merlin calls,
'Tis true, Tom Thumb, by a tremendous cow,
That fate might be obeyed, was gulped—but how?
Just as a monkey would an apple hug
In his alforges—when but offer pug
Something that's sweet—instant with joy he'll yapple,
Snatch at the sugar, and forego the apple:
And so did I—to chace all sorrow from ye—
Offer the cow some hay—and up came Tommy.
CATCH.
Just in the order that ye fell,
One, two, three, four, five, six,
By virtue of my magic spell
Jump up—nor play your monkey tricks.
See the first and second slain
Begin to rear the head,
And to their fellows, call amain,
Awake! oh waken! from the dead.
The signal hear,
From the regions drear
Of dingy Pluto come,
Nor ever go
To the shades below
'Till death shall call you home.
The END.