- Project Gutenberg's The Fortunate Mistress (Parts 1 and 2), by Daniel Defoe
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- Title: The Fortunate Mistress (Parts 1 and 2)
- or a History of the Life of Mademoiselle de Beleau Known
- by the Name of the Lady Roxana
- Author: Daniel Defoe
- Release Date: October 27, 2009 [EBook #30344]
- Language: English
- *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FORTUNATE MISTRESS (PARTS 1 AND 2) ***
- Produced by Meredith Bach, Jane Hyland, and the Online
- Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. (This
- file was produced from images generously made available
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- ROXANA
- [Illustration: _I was rich, beautiful, and agreeable, and not yet old_
- PAGE 244]
- The Cripplegate Edition
- THE WORKS OF DANIEL DEFOE
- THE FORTUNATE MISTRESS
- OR A HISTORY OF THE LIFE OF MADEMOISELLE DE BELEAU
- KNOWN BY THE NAME OF THE LADY ROXANA
- NEW YORK · · _MCMVIII_
- GEORGE D. SPROUL
- _Copyright, 1904, by_ THE UNIVERSITY PRESS
- UNIVERSITY PRESS · JOHN WILSON AND SON, CAMBRIDGE, U.S.A.
- LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
- ROXANA _Frontispiece_
- THE BREWER AND HIS MEN _Page_ 12
- THE JEWELLER IS ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR VERSAILLES 74
- THE VISIT OF THE PRINCE 90
- THE DUTCH MERCHANT CALLS ON ROXANA. 286
- THE AMOUR DRAWS TO AN END 302
- ROXANA'S DAUGHTER AND THE QUAKER 479
- ROXANA IS CONFRONTED WITH HER DAUGHTER 534
- INTRODUCTION
- In March, 1724, was published the narrative in which Defoe came, perhaps
- even nearer than in _Moll Flanders_, to writing what we to-day call a
- novel, namely: _The Fortunate Mistress; or, a History of the Life and
- Vast Variety of Fortunes of Mademoiselle de' Belau; afterwards called
- the Countess of Wintelsheim, in Germany. Being the Person known by the
- name of the Lady Roxana, in the Time of King Charles II_. No second
- edition appeared till after Defoe's death, which occurred in 1731. Then
- for some years, various editions of _The Fortunate Mistress_ came out.
- Because Defoe had not indicated the end of his chief characters so
- clearly as he usually did in his stories, several of these later
- editions carried on the history of the heroine. Probably none of the
- continuations was by Defoe himself, though the one in the edition of
- 1745 has been attributed to him. For this reason, and because it has
- some literary merit, it is included in the present edition.
- That this continuation was not by Defoe is attested in various ways. In
- the first place, it tells the history of Roxana down to her death in
- July, 1742, a date which Defoe would not have been likely to fix, for
- he died himself in April, 1731. Moreover, the statement that she was
- sixty-four when she died, does not agree with the statement at the
- beginning of Defoe's narrative that she was ten years old in 1683. She
- must have been born in 1673, and consequently would have been sixty-nine
- in 1742. This discrepancy, however, ceases to be important when we
- consider the general confusion of dates in the part of the book
- certainly by Defoe. The title-page announces that his heroine was "known
- by the name of the Lady Roxana, in the Time of King Charles II." She
- must have been known by this name when she was a child of eleven or
- twelve, then, for she was ten when her parents fled to England "about
- 1683," and Charles II. died in February, 1685. Moreover, she was not
- married till she was fifteen; she lived eight years with her husband;
- and then she was mistress successively to the friendly jeweller, the
- Prince, and the Dutch merchant. Yet after this career, she returned to
- London in time to become a noted toast among Charles II.'s courtiers and
- to entertain at her house that monarch and the Duke of Monmouth.
- A stronger argument for different authorship is the difference in style
- between the continuation of _Roxana_ and the earlier narrative. In the
- continuation Defoe's best-known mannerisms are lacking, as two instances
- will show. Critics have often called attention to the fact that
- _fright_, instead of _frighten_, was a favourite word of Defoe. Now
- _frighten_, and not _fright_, is the verb used in the continuation.
- Furthermore, I have pointed out in a previous introduction[1] that Defoe
- was fond of making his characters _smile_, to show either kindliness or
- shrewd penetration. They do not _smile_ in the continuation.
- There are other differences between the original story of _The Fortunate
- Mistress_ and the continuation of 1745. The former is better narrative
- than the latter; it moves quicker; it is more real. And yet there is a
- manifest attempt in the continuation to imitate the manner and the
- substance of the story proper. There is a dialogue, for example, between
- Roxana and the Quakeress, modelled on the dialogues which Defoe was so
- fond of. Again, there is a fairly successful attempt to copy Defoe's
- circumstantiality; there is an amount of detail in the continuation
- which makes it more graphic than much of the fiction which has been
- given to the world. And finally, in understanding and reproducing the
- characters of Roxana and Amy, the anonymous author has done remarkably
- well. The character of Roxana's daughter is less true to Defoe's
- conception; the girl, as he drew her, was actuated more by natural
- affection in seeking her mother, and less by interest. The character of
- the Dutch merchant, likewise, has not changed for the better in the
- continuation. He has developed a vindictiveness which, in our former
- meetings with him, seemed foreign to his nature.
- I have said that in _The Fortunate Mistress_ Defoe has come nearer than
- usual to writing what we to-day call a novel; the reason is that he has
- had more success than usual in making his characters real. Though many
- of them are still wooden--lifeless types, rather than individuals--yet
- the Prince, the Quakeress, and the Dutch merchant occasionally wake to
- life; so rather more does the unfortunate daughter; and more yet, Amy
- and Roxana. With the exception of Moll Flanders, these last two are more
- vitalised than any personages Defoe invented. In this pair, furthermore,
- Defoe seems to have been interested in bringing out the contrast between
- characters. The servant, Amy, thrown with another mistress, might have
- been a totally different woman. The vulgarity of a servant she would
- have retained under any circumstances, as she did even when promoted
- from being the maid to being the companion of Roxana; but it was
- unreasoning devotion to her mistress, combined with weakness of
- character, which led Amy to be vicious.
- Roxana, for her part, had to the full the independence, the initiative,
- which her woman was without,--or rather was without when acting for
- herself; for when acting in the interests of her mistress, Amy was a
- different creature. Like all of Defoe's principal characters, Roxana is
- eminently practical, cold-blooded and selfish. After the first pang at
- parting with her five children, she seldom thinks of them except as
- encumbrances; she will provide for them as decently as she can without
- personal inconvenience, but even a slight sacrifice for the sake of one
- of them is too much for her. Towards all the men with whom she has
- dealings, and towards the friendly Quakeress of the Minories, too, she
- shows a calculating reticence which is most unfeminine. The continuator
- of our story endowed the heroine with wholly characteristic selfishness
- when he made her, on hearing of Amy's death, feel less sorrow for the
- miserable fate of her friend, than for her own loss of an adviser.
- And yet Roxana is capable of fine feeling, as is proved by those tears
- of joy for the happy change in her fortunes, which bring about that
- realistic love scene between her and the Prince in regard to the
- supposed paint on her cheeks. Again, when shipwreck threatens her and
- Amy, her emotion and repentance are due as much to the thought that she
- has degraded Amy to her own level as to thoughts of her more flagrant
- sins. That she is capable of feeling gratitude, she shows in her
- generosity to the Quakeress. And in her rage and remorse, on suspecting
- that her daughter has been murdered, and in her emotion several times
- on seeing her children, Roxana shows herself a true woman. In short,
- though for the most part monumentally selfish, she is yet saved from
- being impossible by several displays of noble emotion. One of the
- surprises, to a student of Defoe, is that this thick-skinned, mercantile
- writer, the vulgarest of all our great men of letters in the early
- eighteenth century, seems to have known a woman's heart better than a
- man's. At least he has succeeded in making two or three of his women
- characters more alive than any of his men. It is another surprise that
- in writing of women, Defoe often seems ahead of his age. In the argument
- between Roxana and her Dutch merchant about a woman's independence,
- Roxana talks like a character in a "problem" play or novel of our own
- day. This, perhaps, is not to Defoe's credit, but it is to his credit
- that he has said elsewhere:[2] "A woman well-bred and well-taught,
- furnished with the ... accomplishments of knowledge and behaviour, is a
- creature without comparison; her society is the emblem of sublime
- enjoyments; ... and the man that has such a one to his portion, has
- nothing to do but to rejoice in her, and be thankful." After reading
- these words, one cannot but regret that Defoe did not try to create
- heroines more virtuous than Moll Flanders and Roxana.
- It is not only in drawing his characters that Defoe, in _The Fortunate
- Mistress_, comes nearer than usual to producing a novel. This narrative
- of his is less loosely constructed than any others except _Robinson
- Crusoe_ and the _Journal of the Plague Year_, which it was easier to
- give structure to. In both of them--the story of a solitary on a desert
- island and the story of the visitation of a pestilence--the nature of
- the subject made the author's course tolerably plain; in _The Fortunate
- Mistress_, the proper course was by no means so well marked. The more
- credit is due Defoe, therefore, that the book is so far from being
- entirely inorganised that, had he taken sufficient pains with the
- ending, it would have had as much structure as many good novels. There
- is no strongly defined plot, it is true; but in general, if a character
- is introduced, he is heard from again; a scene that impresses itself on
- the mind of the heroine is likely to be important in the sequel. The
- story seems to be working itself out to a logical conclusion, when
- unexpectedly it comes to an end. Defoe apparently grew tired of it for
- some reason, and wound it up abruptly, with only the meagre information
- as to the fate of Roxana and Amy that they "fell into a dreadful course
- of calamities."
- G.H. MAYNADIER.
- FOOTNOTES:
- [1] See Memoirs of a Cavalier
- [2] _An Essay upon Projects, An Academy for Women._
- AUTHOR'S PREFACE
- The history of this beautiful lady is to speak for itself; if it is not
- as beautiful as the lady herself is reported to be; if it is not as
- diverting as the reader can desire, and much more than he can reasonably
- expect; and if all the most diverting parts of it are not adapted to the
- instruction and improvement of the reader, the relator says it must be
- from the defect of his performance; dressing up the story in worse
- clothes than the lady whose words he speaks, prepared for the world.
- He takes the liberty to say that this story differs from most of the
- modern performances of this kind, though some of them have met with a
- very good reception in the world. I say, it differs from them in this
- great and essential article, namely, that the foundation of this is laid
- in truth of fact; and so the work is not a story, but a history.
- The scene is laid so near the place where the main part of it was
- transacted that it was necessary to conceal names and persons, lest what
- cannot be yet entirely forgot in that part of the town should be
- remembered, and the facts traced back too plainly by the many people
- yet living, who would know the persons by the particulars.
- It is not always necessary that the names of persons should be
- discovered, though the history may be many ways useful; and if we should
- be always obliged to name the persons, or not to relate the story, the
- consequence might be only this--that many a pleasant and delightful
- history would be buried in the dark, and the world deprived both of the
- pleasure and the profit of it.
- The writer says he was particularly acquainted with this lady's first
- husband, the brewer, and with his father, and also with his bad
- circumstances, and knows that first part of the story to be truth.
- This may, he hopes, be a pledge for the credit of the rest, though the
- latter part of her history lay abroad, and could not be so well vouched
- as the first; yet, as she has told it herself, we have the less reason
- to question the truth of that part also.
- In the manner she has told the story, it is evident she does not insist
- upon her justification in any one part of it; much less does she
- recommend her conduct, or, indeed, any part of it, except her
- repentance, to our imitation. On the contrary, she makes frequent
- excursions, in a just censuring and condemning her own practice. How
- often does she reproach herself in the most passionate manner, and guide
- us to just reflections in the like cases!
- It is true she met with unexpected success in all her wicked courses;
- but even in the highest elevations of her prosperity she makes frequent
- acknowledgments that the pleasure of her wickedness was not worth the
- repentance; and that all the satisfaction she had, all the joy in the
- view of her prosperity--no, nor all the wealth she rolled in, the gaiety
- of her appearance, the equipages and the honours she was attended with,
- could quiet her mind, abate the reproaches of her conscience, or procure
- her an hour's sleep when just reflection kept her waking.
- The noble inferences that are drawn from this one part are worth all the
- rest of the story, and abundantly justify, as they are the professed
- design of, the publication.
- If there are any parts in her story which, being obliged to relate a
- wicked action, seem to describe it too plainly, the writer says all
- imaginable care has been taken to keep clear of indecencies and immodest
- expressions; and it is hoped you will find nothing to prompt a vicious
- mind, but everywhere much to discourage and expose it.
- Scenes of crime can scarce be represented in such a manner but some may
- make a criminal use of them; but when vice is painted in its low-prized
- colours, it is not to make people in love with it, but to expose it; and
- if the reader makes a wrong use of the figures, the wickedness is his
- own.
- In the meantime, the advantages of the present work are so great, and
- the virtuous reader has room for so much improvement, that we make no
- question the story, however meanly told, will find a passage to his best
- hours, and be read both with profit and delight.
- A HISTORY OF THE LIFE OF ROXANA
- I was born, as my friends told me, at the city of Poitiers, in the
- province or county of Poitou, in France, from whence I was brought to
- England by my parents, who fled for their religion about the year 1683,
- when the Protestants were banished from France by the cruelty of their
- persecutors.
- I, who knew little or nothing of what I was brought over hither for, was
- well enough pleased with being here. London, a large and gay city, took
- with me mighty well, who, from my being a child, loved a crowd, and to
- see a great many fine folks.
- I retained nothing of France but the language, my father and mother
- being people of better fashion than ordinarily the people called
- refugees at that time were; and having fled early, while it was easy to
- secure their effects, had, before their coming over, remitted
- considerable sums of money, or, as I remember, a considerable value in
- French brandy, paper, and other goods; and these selling very much to
- advantage here, my father was in very good circumstances at his coming
- over, so that he was far from applying to the rest of our nation that
- were here for countenance and relief. On the contrary, he had his door
- continually thronged with miserable objects of the poor starving
- creatures who at that time fled hither for shelter on account of
- conscience, or something else.
- I have indeed heard my father say that he was pestered with a great many
- of those who, for any religion they had, might e'en have stayed where
- they were, but who flocked over hither in droves, for what they call in
- English a livelihood; hearing with what open arms the refugees were
- received in England, and how they fell readily into business, being, by
- the charitable assistance of the people in London, encouraged to work in
- their manufactories in Spitalfields, Canterbury, and other places, and
- that they had a much better price for their work than in France, and the
- like.
- My father, I say, told me that he was more pestered with the clamours of
- these people than of those who were truly refugees, and fled in distress
- merely for conscience.
- I was about ten years old when I was brought over hither, where, as I
- have said, my father lived in very good circumstances, and died in about
- eleven years more; in which time, as I had accomplished myself for the
- sociable part of the world, so I had acquainted myself with some of our
- English neighbours, as is the custom in London; and as, while I was
- young, I had picked up three or four playfellows and companions suitable
- to my years, so, as we grew bigger, we learned to call one another
- intimates and friends; and this forwarded very much the finishing me for
- conversation and the world.
- I went to English schools, and being young, I learned the English tongue
- perfectly well, with all the customs of the English young women; so that
- I retained nothing of the French but the speech; nor did I so much as
- keep any remains of the French language tagged to my way of speaking, as
- most foreigners do, but spoke what we call natural English, as if I had
- been born here.
- Being to give my own character, I must be excused to give it as
- impartially as possible, and as if I was speaking of another body; and
- the sequel will lead you to judge whether I flatter myself or no.
- I was (speaking of myself at about fourteen years of age) tall, and very
- well made; sharp as a hawk in matters of common knowledge; quick and
- smart in discourse; apt to be satirical; full of repartee; and a little
- too forward in conversation, or, as we call it in English, bold, though
- perfectly modest in my behaviour. Being French born, I danced, as some
- say, naturally, loved it extremely, and sang well also, and so well
- that, as you will hear, it was afterwards some advantage to me. With
- all these things, I wanted neither wit, beauty, or money. In this manner
- I set out into the world, having all the advantages that any young woman
- could desire, to recommend me to others, and form a prospect of happy
- living to myself.
- At about fifteen years of age, my father gave me, as he called it in
- French, 25,000 livres, that is to say, two thousand pounds portion, and
- married me to an eminent brewer in the city. Pardon me if I conceal his
- name; for though he was the foundation of my ruin, I cannot take so
- severe a revenge upon him.
- With this thing called a husband I lived eight years in good fashion,
- and for some part of the time kept a coach, that is to say, a kind of
- mock coach; for all the week the horses were kept at work in the
- dray-carts; but on Sunday I had the privilege to go abroad in my
- chariot, either to church or otherways, as my husband and I could agree
- about it, which, by the way, was not very often; but of that hereafter.
- Before I proceed in the history of the married part of my life, you must
- allow me to give as impartial an account of my husband as I have done of
- myself. He was a jolly, handsome fellow, as any woman need wish for a
- companion; tall and well made; rather a little too large, but not so as
- to be ungenteel; he danced well, which I think was the first thing that
- brought us together. He had an old father who managed the business
- carefully, so that he had little of that part lay on him, but now and
- then to appear and show himself; and he took the advantage of it, for he
- troubled himself very little about it, but went abroad, kept company,
- hunted much, and loved it exceedingly.
- After I have told you that he was a handsome man and a good sportsman, I
- have indeed said all; and unhappy was I, like other young people of our
- sex, I chose him for being a handsome, jolly fellow, as I have said; for
- he was otherwise a weak, empty-headed, untaught creature, as any woman
- could ever desire to be coupled with. And here I must take the liberty,
- whatever I have to reproach myself with in my after conduct, to turn to
- my fellow-creatures, the young ladies of this country, and speak to them
- by way of precaution. If you have any regard to your future happiness,
- any view of living comfortably with a husband, any hope of preserving
- your fortunes, or restoring them after any disaster, never, ladies,
- marry a fool; any husband rather than a fool. With some other husbands
- you may be unhappy, but with a fool you will be miserable; with another
- husband you may, I say, be unhappy, but with a fool you must; nay, if he
- would, he cannot make you easy; everything he does is so awkward,
- everything he says is so empty, a woman of any sense cannot but be
- surfeited and sick of him twenty times a day. What is more shocking than
- for a woman to bring a handsome, comely fellow of a husband into
- company, and then be obliged to blush for him every time she hears him
- speak? to hear other gentlemen talk sense, and he able to say nothing?
- and so look like a fool, or, which is worse, hear him talk nonsense, and
- be laughed at for a fool.
- In the next place, there are so many sorts of fools, such an infinite
- variety of fools, and so hard it is to know the worst of the kind, that
- I am obliged to say, "No fool, ladies, at all, no kind of fool, whether
- a mad fool or a sober fool, a wise fool or a silly fool; take anything
- but a fool; nay, be anything, be even an old maid, the worst of nature's
- curses, rather than take up with a fool."
- But to leave this awhile, for I shall have occasion to speak of it
- again; my case was particularly hard, for I had a variety of foolish
- things complicated in this unhappy match.
- First, and which I must confess is very unsufferable, he was a conceited
- fool, _tout opiniatre_; everything he said was right, was best, and was
- to the purpose, whoever was in company, and whatever was advanced by
- others, though with the greatest modesty imaginable. And yet, when he
- came to defend what he had said by argument and reason, he would do it
- so weakly, so emptily, and so nothing to the purpose, that it was enough
- to make anybody that heard him sick and ashamed of him.
- Secondly, he was positive and obstinate, and the most positive in the
- most simple and inconsistent things, such as were intolerable to bear.
- These two articles, if there had been no more, qualified him to be a
- most unbearable creature for a husband; and so it may be supposed at
- first sight what a kind of life I led with him. However, I did as well
- as I could, and held my tongue, which was the only victory I gained over
- him; for when he would talk after his own empty rattling way with me,
- and I would not answer, or enter into discourse with him on the point he
- was upon, he would rise up in the greatest passion imaginable, and go
- away, which was the cheapest way I had to be delivered.
- I could enlarge here much upon the method I took to make my life
- passable and easy with the most incorrigible temper in the world; but it
- is too long, and the articles too trifling. I shall mention some of them
- as the circumstances I am to relate shall necessarily bring them in.
- After I had been married about four years, my own father died, my mother
- having been dead before. He liked my match so ill, and saw so little
- room to be satisfied with the conduct of my husband, that though he left
- me five thousand livres, and more, at his death, yet he left it in the
- hands of my elder brother, who, running on too rashly in his adventures
- as a merchant, failed, and lost not only what he had, but what he had
- for me too, as you shall hear presently.
- Thus I lost the last gift of my father's bounty by having a husband not
- fit to be trusted with it: there's one of the benefits of marrying a
- fool.
- Within two years after my own father's death my husband's father also
- died, and, as I thought, left him a considerable addition to his estate,
- the whole trade of the brewhouse, which was a very good one, being now
- his own.
- But this addition to his stock was his ruin, for he had no genius to
- business, he had no knowledge of his accounts; he bustled a little about
- it, indeed, at first, and put on a face of business, but he soon grew
- slack; it was below him to inspect his books, he committed all that to
- his clerks and book-keepers; and while he found money in cash to pay the
- maltman and the excise, and put some in his pocket, he was perfectly
- easy and indolent, let the main chance go how it would.
- I foresaw the consequence of this, and attempted several times to
- persuade him to apply himself to his business; I put him in mind how his
- customers complained of the neglect of his servants on one hand, and how
- abundance broke in his debt, on the other hand, for want of the clerk's
- care to secure him, and the like; but he thrust me by, either with hard
- words, or fraudulently, with representing the cases otherwise than they
- were.
- However, to cut short a dull story, which ought not to be long, he began
- to find his trade sunk, his stock declined, and that, in short, he could
- not carry on his business, and once or twice his brewing utensils were
- extended for the excise; and, the last time, he was put to great
- extremities to clear them.
- This alarmed him, and he resolved to lay down his trade; which, indeed,
- I was not sorry for; foreseeing that if he did not lay it down in time,
- he would be forced to do it another way, namely, as a bankrupt. Also I
- was willing he should draw out while he had something left, lest I
- should come to be stripped at home, and be turned out of doors with my
- children; for I had now five children by him, the only work (perhaps)
- that fools are good for.
- I thought myself happy when he got another man to take his brewhouse
- clear off his hands; for, paying down a large sum of money, my husband
- found himself a clear man, all his debts paid, and with between two and
- three thousand pounds in his pocket; and being now obliged to remove
- from the brewhouse, we took a house at ----, a village about two miles
- out of town; and happy I thought myself, all things considered, that I
- was got off clear, upon so good terms; and had my handsome fellow had
- but one capful of wit, I had been still well enough.
- I proposed to him either to buy some place with the money, or with part
- of it, and offered to join my part to it, which was then in being, and
- might have been secured; so we might have lived tolerably at least
- during his life. But as it is the part of a fool to be void of counsel,
- so he neglected it, lived on as he did before, kept his horses and men,
- rid every day out to the forest a-hunting, and nothing was done all this
- while; but the money decreased apace, and I thought I saw my ruin
- hastening on without any possible way to prevent it.
- I was not wanting with all that persuasions and entreaties could
- perform, but it was all fruitless; representing to him how fast our
- money wasted, and what would be our condition when it was gone, made no
- impression on him; but like one stupid, he went on, not valuing all that
- tears and lamentations could be supposed to do; nor did he abate his
- figure or equipage, his horses or servants, even to the last, till he
- had not a hundred pounds left in the whole world.
- It was not above three years that all the ready money was thus spending
- off; yet he spent it, as I may say, foolishly too, for he kept no
- valuable company neither, but generally with huntsmen and
- horse-coursers, and men meaner than himself, which is another
- consequence of a man's being a fool; such can never take delight in men
- more wise and capable than themselves, and that makes them converse
- with scoundrels, drink, belch with porters, and keep company always
- below themselves.
- This was my wretched condition, when one morning my husband told me he
- was sensible he was come to a miserable condition, and he would go and
- seek his fortune somewhere or other. He had said something to that
- purpose several times before that, upon my pressing him to consider his
- circumstances, and the circumstances of his family, before it should be
- too late; but as I found he had no meaning in anything of that kind, as,
- indeed, he had not much in anything he ever said, so I thought they were
- but words of course now. When he had said he would be gone, I used to
- wish secretly, and even say in my thoughts, I wish you would, for if you
- go on thus you will starve us all.
- He stayed, however, at home all that day, and lay at home that night;
- early the next morning he gets out of bed, goes to a window which looked
- out towards the stable, and sounds his French horn, as he called it,
- which was his usual signal to call his men to go out a-hunting.
- It was about the latter end of August, and so was light yet at five
- o'clock, and it was about that time that I heard him and his two men go
- out and shut the yard gates after them. He said nothing to me more than
- as usual when he used to go out upon his sport; neither did I rise, or
- say anything to him that was material, but went to sleep again after he
- was gone, for two hours or thereabouts.
- It must be a little surprising to the reader to tell him at once, that
- after this I never saw my husband more; but, to go farther, I not only
- never saw him more, but I never heard from him, or of him, neither of
- any or either of his two servants, or of the horses, either what became
- of them, where or which way they went, or what they did or intended to
- do, no more than if the ground had opened and swallowed them all up, and
- nobody had known it, except as hereafter.
- I was not, for the first night or two, at all surprised, no, nor very
- much the first week or two, believing that if anything evil had befallen
- them, I should soon enough have heard of that; and also knowing, that as
- he had two servants and three horses with him, it would be the strangest
- thing in the world that anything could befall them all but that I must
- some time or other hear of them.
- But you will easily allow, that as time ran on, a week, two weeks, a
- month, two months, and so on, I was dreadfully frighted at last, and the
- more when I looked into my own circumstances, and considered the
- condition in which I was left with five children, and not one farthing
- subsistence for them, other than about seventy pounds in money, and what
- few things of value I had about me, which, though considerable in
- themselves, were yet nothing to feed a family, and for a length of time
- too.
- [Illustration: THE BREWER AND HIS MEN
- I heard him and his two men go out and shut the yard gates after them]
- What to do I knew not, nor to whom to have recourse: to keep in the
- house where I was, I could not, the rent being too great; and to leave
- it without his orders, if my husband should return, I could not think of
- that neither; so that I continued extremely perplexed, melancholy, and
- discouraged to the last degree.
- I remained in this dejected condition near a twelvemonth. My husband had
- two sisters, who were married, and lived very well, and some other near
- relations that I knew of, and I hoped would do something for me; and I
- frequently sent to these, to know if they could give me any account of
- my vagrant creature. But they all declared to me in answer, that they
- knew nothing about him; and, after frequent sending, began to think me
- troublesome, and to let me know they thought so too, by their treating
- my maid with very slight and unhandsome returns to her inquiries.
- This grated hard, and added to my affliction; but I had no recourse but
- to my tears, for I had not a friend of my own left me in the world. I
- should have observed, that it was about half a year before this
- elopement of my husband that the disaster I mentioned above befell my
- brother, who broke, and that in such bad circumstances, that I had the
- mortification to hear, not only that he was in prison, but that there
- would be little or nothing to be had by way of composition.
- Misfortunes seldom come alone: this was the forerunner of my husband's
- flight; and as my expectations were cut off on that side, my husband
- gone, and my family of children on my hands, and nothing to subsist
- them, my condition was the most deplorable that words can express.
- I had some plate and some jewels, as might be supposed, my fortune and
- former circumstances considered; and my husband, who had never stayed to
- be distressed, had not been put to the necessity of rifling me, as
- husbands usually do in such cases. But as I had seen an end of all the
- ready money during the long time I had lived in a state of expectation
- for my husband, so I began to make away one thing after another, till
- those few things of value which I had began to lessen apace, and I saw
- nothing but misery and the utmost distress before me, even to have my
- children starve before my face. I leave any one that is a mother of
- children, and has lived in plenty and in good fashion, to consider and
- reflect what must be my condition. As to my husband, I had now no hope
- or expectation of seeing him any more; and indeed, if I had, he was a
- man of all the men in the world the least able to help me, or to have
- turned his hand to the gaining one shilling towards lessening our
- distress; he neither had the capacity or the inclination; he could have
- been no clerk, for he scarce wrote a legible hand; he was so far from
- being able to write sense, that he could not make sense of what others
- wrote; he was so far from understanding good English, that he could not
- spell good English; to be out of all business was his delight, and he
- would stand leaning against a post for half-an-hour together, with a
- pipe in his mouth, with all the tranquillity in the world, smoking, like
- Dryden's countryman, that whistled as he went for want of thought, and
- this even when his family was, as it were, starving, that little he had
- wasting, and that we were all bleeding to death; he not knowing, and as
- little considering, where to get another shilling when the last was
- spent.
- This being his temper, and the extent of his capacity, I confess I did
- not see so much loss in his parting with me as at first I thought I did;
- though it was hard and cruel to the last degree in him, not giving me
- the least notice of his design; and indeed, that which I was most
- astonished at was, that seeing he must certainly have intended this
- excursion some few moments at least before he put it in practice, yet he
- did not come and take what little stock of money we had left, or at
- least a share of it, to bear his expense for a little while; but he did
- not; and I am morally certain he had not five guineas with him in the
- world when he went away. All that I could come to the knowledge of about
- him was, that he left his hunting-horn, which he called the French horn,
- in the stable, and his hunting-saddle, went away in a handsome
- furniture, as they call it, which he used sometimes to travel with,
- having an embroidered housing, a case of pistols, and other things
- belonging to them; and one of his servants had another saddle with
- pistols, though plain, and the other a long gun; so that they did not go
- out as sportsmen, but rather as travellers; what part of the world they
- went to I never heard for many years.
- As I have said, I sent to his relations, but they sent me short and
- surly answers; nor did any one of them offer to come to see me, or to
- see the children, or so much as to inquire after them, well perceiving
- that I was in a condition that was likely to be soon troublesome to
- them. But it was no time now to dally with them or with the world; I
- left off sending to them, and went myself among them, laid my
- circumstances open to them, told them my whole case, and the condition I
- was reduced to, begged they would advise me what course to take, laid
- myself as low as they could desire, and entreated them to consider that
- I was not in a condition to help myself, and that without some
- assistance we must all inevitably perish. I told them that if I had had
- but one child, or two children, I would have done my endeavour to have
- worked for them with my needle, and should only have come to them to beg
- them to help me to some work, that I might get our bread by my labour;
- but to think of one single woman, not bred to work, and at a loss where
- to get employment, to get the bread of five children, that was not
- possible--some of my children being young too, and none of them big
- enough to help one another.
- It was all one; I received not one farthing of assistance from anybody,
- was hardly asked to sit down at the two sisters' houses, nor offered to
- eat or drink at two more near relations'. The fifth, an ancient
- gentlewoman, aunt-in-law to my husband, a widow, and the least able also
- of any of the rest, did, indeed, ask me to sit down, gave me a dinner,
- and refreshed me with a kinder treatment than any of the rest, but added
- the melancholy part, viz., that she would have helped me, but that,
- indeed, she was not able, which, however, I was satisfied was very true.
- Here I relieved myself with the constant assistant of the afflicted, I
- mean tears; for, relating to her how I was received by the other of my
- husband's relations, it made me burst into tears, and I cried vehemently
- for a great while together, till I made the good old gentlewoman cry too
- several times.
- However, I came home from them all without any relief, and went on at
- home till I was reduced to such inexpressible distress that is not to be
- described. I had been several times after this at the old aunt's, for I
- prevailed with her to promise me to go and talk with the other
- relations, at least, that, if possible, she could bring some of them to
- take off the children, or to contribute something towards their
- maintenance. And, to do her justice, she did use her endeavour with
- them; but all was to no purpose, they would do nothing, at least that
- way. I think, with much entreaty, she obtained, by a kind of collection
- among them all, about eleven or twelve shillings in money, which, though
- it was a present comfort, was yet not to be named as capable to deliver
- me from any part of the load that lay upon me.
- There was a poor woman that had been a kind of a dependent upon our
- family, and whom I had often, among the rest of the relations, been very
- kind to; my maid put it into my head one morning to send to this poor
- woman, and to see whether she might not be able to help in this dreadful
- case.
- I must remember it here, to the praise of this poor girl, my maid, that
- though I was not able to give her any wages, and had told her so--nay, I
- was not able to pay her the wages that I was in arrears to her--yet she
- would not leave me; nay, and as long as she had any money, when I had
- none, she would help me out of her own, for which, though I acknowledged
- her kindness and fidelity, yet it was but a bad coin that she was paid
- in at last, as will appear in its place.
- Amy (for that was her name) put it into my thoughts to send for this
- poor woman to come to me; for I was now in great distress, and I
- resolved to do so. But just the very morning that I intended it, the old
- aunt, with the poor woman in her company, came to see me; the good old
- gentlewoman was, it seems, heartily concerned for me, and had been
- talking again among those people, to see what she could do for me, but
- to very little purpose.
- You shall judge a little of my present distress by the posture she found
- me in. I had five little children, the eldest was under ten years old,
- and I had not one shilling in the house to buy them victuals, but had
- sent Amy out with a silver spoon to sell it, and bring home something
- from the butcher's; and I was in a parlour, sitting on the ground, with
- a great heap of old rags, linen, and other things about me, looking them
- over, to see if I had anything among them that would sell or pawn for a
- little money, and had been crying ready to burst myself, to think what I
- should do next.
- At this juncture they knocked at the door. I thought it had been Amy,
- so I did not rise up; but one of the children opened the door, and they
- came directly into the room where I was, and where they found me in that
- posture, and crying vehemently, as above. I was surprised at their
- coming, you may be sure, especially seeing the person I had but just
- before resolved to send for; but when they saw me, how I looked, for my
- eyes were swelled with crying, and what a condition I was in as to the
- house, and the heaps of things that were about me, and especially when I
- told them what I was doing, and on what occasion, they sat down, like
- Job's three comforters, and said not one word to me for a great while,
- but both of them cried as fast and as heartily as I did.
- The truth was, there was no need of much discourse in the case, the
- thing spoke itself; they saw me in rags and dirt, who was but a little
- before riding in my coach; thin, and looking almost like one starved,
- who was before fat and beautiful. The house, that was before handsomely
- furnished with pictures and ornaments, cabinets, pier-glasses, and
- everything suitable, was now stripped and naked, most of the goods
- having been seized by the landlord for rent, or sold to buy necessaries;
- in a word, all was misery and distress, the face of ruin was everywhere
- to be seen; we had eaten up almost everything, and little remained,
- unless, like one of the pitiful women of Jerusalem, I should eat up my
- very children themselves.
- After these two good creatures had sat, as I say, in silence some time,
- and had then looked about them, my maid Amy came in, and brought with
- her a small breast of mutton and two great bunches of turnips, which she
- intended to stew for our dinner. As for me, my heart was so overwhelmed
- at seeing these two friends--for such they were, though poor--and at
- their seeing me in such a condition, that I fell into another violent
- fit of crying, so that, in short, I could not speak to them again for a
- great while longer.
- During my being in such an agony, they went to my maid Amy at another
- part of the same room and talked with her. Amy told them all my
- circumstances, and set them forth in such moving terms, and so to the
- life, that I could not upon any terms have done it like her myself, and,
- in a word, affected them both with it in such a manner, that the old
- aunt came to me, and though hardly able to speak for tears, "Look ye,
- cousin," said she, in a few words, "things must not stand thus; some
- course must be taken, and that forthwith; pray, where were these
- children born?" I told her the parish where we lived before, that four
- of them were born there, and one in the house where I now was, where the
- landlord, after having seized my goods for the rent past, not then
- knowing my circumstances, had now given me leave to live for a whole
- year more without any rent, being moved with compassion; but that this
- year was now almost expired.
- Upon hearing this account, they came to this resolution, that the
- children should be all carried by them to the door of one of the
- relations mentioned above, and be set down there by the maid Amy, and
- that I, the mother, should remove for some days, shut up the doors, and
- be gone; that the people should be told, that if they did not think fit
- to take some care of the children, they might send for the churchwardens
- if they thought that better, for that they were born in that parish, and
- there they must be provided for; as for the other child, which was born
- in the parish of ----, that was already taken care of by the parish
- officers there, for indeed they were so sensible of the distress of the
- family that they had at first word done what was their part to do.
- This was what these good women proposed, and bade me leave the rest to
- them. I was at first sadly afflicted at the thoughts of parting with my
- children, and especially at that terrible thing, their being taken into
- the parish keeping; and then a hundred terrible things came into my
- thoughts, viz., of parish children being starved at nurse; of their
- being ruined, let grow crooked, lamed, and the like, for want of being
- taken care of; and this sunk my very heart within me.
- But the misery of my own circumstances hardened my heart against my own
- flesh and blood; and when I considered they must inevitably be starved,
- and I too if I continued to keep them about me, I began to be reconciled
- to parting with them all, anyhow and anywhere, that I might be freed
- from the dreadful necessity of seeing them all perish, and perishing
- with them myself. So I agreed to go away out of the house, and leave the
- management of the whole matter to my maid Amy and to them; and
- accordingly I did so, and the same afternoon they carried them all away
- to one of their aunts.
- Amy, a resolute girl, knocked at the door, with the children all with
- her, and bade the eldest, as soon as the door was open, run in, and the
- rest after her. She set them all down at the door before she knocked,
- and when she knocked she stayed till a maid-servant came to the door;
- "Sweetheart," said she, "pray go in and tell your mistress here are her
- little cousins come to see her from ----," naming the town where we
- lived, at which the maid offered to go back. "Here, child," says Amy,
- "take one of 'em in your hand, and I'll bring the rest;" so she gives
- her the least, and the wench goes in mighty innocently, with the little
- one in her hand, upon which Amy turns the rest in after her, shuts the
- door softly, and marches off as fast as she could.
- Just in the interval of this, and even while the maid and her mistress
- were quarrelling (for the mistress raved and scolded her like a mad
- woman, and had ordered her to go and stop the maid Amy, and turn all the
- children out of the doors again; but she had been at the door, and Amy
- was gone, and the wench was out of her wits, and the mistress too), I
- say, just at this juncture came the poor old woman, not the aunt, but
- the other of the two that had been with me, and knocks at the door: the
- aunt did not go, because she had pretended to advocate for me, and they
- would have suspected her of some contrivance; but as for the other
- woman, they did not so much as know that she had kept up any
- correspondence with me.
- Amy and she had concerted this between them, and it was well enough
- contrived that they did so. When she came into the house, the mistress
- was fuming, and raging like one distracted, and called the maid all the
- foolish jades and sluts that she could think of, and that she would take
- the children and turn them all out into the streets. The good poor
- woman, seeing her in such a passion, turned about as if she would be
- gone again, and said, "Madam, I'll come again another time, I see you
- are engaged." "No, no, Mrs. ----," says the mistress, "I am not much
- engaged, sit down; this senseless creature here has brought in my fool
- of a brother's whole house of children upon me, and tells me that a
- wench brought them to the door and thrust them in, and bade her carry
- them to me; but it shall be no disturbance to me, for I have ordered
- them to be set in the street without the door, and so let the
- churchwardens take care of them, or else make this dull jade carry 'em
- back to ---- again, and let her that brought them into the world look
- after them if she will; what does she send her brats to me for?"
- "The last indeed had been the best of the two," says the poor woman, "if
- it had been to be done; and that brings me to tell you my errand, and
- the occasion of my coming, for I came on purpose about this very
- business, and to have prevented this being put upon you if I could, but
- I see I am come too late."
- "How do you mean too late?" says the mistress. "What! have you been
- concerned in this affair, then? What! have you helped bring this family
- slur upon us?" "I hope you do not think such a thing of me, madam," says
- the poor woman; "but I went this morning to ----, to see my old mistress
- and benefactor, for she had been very kind to me, and when I came to the
- door I found all fast locked and bolted, and the house looking as if
- nobody was at home.
- "I knocked at the door, but nobody came, till at last some of the
- neighbours' servants called to me and said, 'There's nobody lives there,
- mistress; what do you knock for?' I seemed surprised at that. 'What,
- nobody lives there!' said I; 'what d'ye mean? Does not Mrs. ---- live
- there?' The answer was, 'No, she is gone;' at which I parleyed with one
- of them, and asked her what was the matter. 'Matter!' says she, 'why, it
- is matter enough: the poor gentlewoman has lived there all alone, and
- without anything to subsist her a long time, and this morning the
- landlord turned her out of doors.'
- "'Out of doors!' says I; 'what! with all her children? Poor lambs, what
- is become of them?' 'Why, truly, nothing worse,' said they, 'can come to
- them than staying here, for they were almost starved with hunger; so the
- neighbours, seeing the poor lady in such distress, for she stood crying
- and wringing her hands over her children like one distracted, sent for
- the churchwardens to take care of the children; and they, when they
- came, took the youngest, which was born in this parish, and have got it
- a very good nurse, and taken care of it; but as for the other four, they
- had sent them away to some of their father's relations, and who were
- very substantial people, and who, besides that, lived in the parish
- where they were born.'
- "I was not so surprised at this as not presently to foresee that this
- trouble would be brought upon you or upon Mr. ----; so I came immediately
- to bring word of it, that you might be prepared for it, and might not be
- surprised; but I see they have been too nimble for me, so that I know
- not what to advise. The poor woman, it seems, is turned out of doors
- into the street; and another of the neighbours there told me, that when
- they took her children from her she swooned away, and when they
- recovered her out of that, she ran distracted, and is put into a
- madhouse by the parish, for there is nobody else to take any care of
- her."
- This was all acted to the life by this good, kind, poor creature; for
- though her design was perfectly good and charitable, yet there was not
- one word of it true in fact; for I was not turned out of doors by the
- landlord, nor gone distracted. It was true, indeed, that at parting with
- my poor children I fainted, and was like one mad when I came to myself
- and found they were gone; but I remained in the house a good while after
- that, as you shall hear.
- While the poor woman was telling this dismal story, in came the
- gentlewoman's husband, and though her heart was hardened against all
- pity, who was really and nearly related to the children, for they were
- the children of her own brother, yet the good man was quite softened
- with the dismal relation of the circumstances of the family; and when
- the poor woman had done, he said to his wife, "This is a dismal case,
- my dear, indeed, and something must be done." His wife fell a-raving at
- him: "What," says she, "do you want to have four children to keep? Have
- we not children of our own? Would you have these brats come and eat up
- my children's bread? No, no, let 'em go to the parish, and let them take
- care of them; I'll take care of my own."
- "Come, come, my dear," says the husband, "charity is a duty to the poor,
- and he that gives to the poor lends to the Lord; let us lend our
- heavenly Father a little of our children's bread, as you call it; it
- will be a store well laid up for them, and will be the best security
- that our children shall never come to want charity, or be turned out of
- doors, as these poor innocent creatures are." "Don't tell me of
- security," says the wife, "'tis a good security for our children to keep
- what we have together, and provide for them, and then 'tis time enough
- to help keep other folks' children. Charity begins at home."
- "Well, my dear," says he again, "I only talk of putting out a little
- money to interest: our Maker is a good borrower; never fear making a bad
- debt there, child, I'll be bound for it."
- "Don't banter me with your charity and your allegories," says the wife
- angrily; "I tell you they are my relations, not yours, and they shall
- not roost here; they shall go to the parish."
- "All your relations are my relations now," says the good gentleman very
- calmly, "and I won't see your relations in distress, and not pity them,
- any more than I would my own; indeed, my dear, they shan't go to the
- parish. I assure you, none of my wife's relations shall come to the
- parish, if I can help it."
- "What! will you take four children to keep?" says the wife.
- "No, no, my dear," says he, "there's your sister ----, I'll go and talk
- with her; and your uncle ----, I'll send for him, and the rest. I'll
- warrant you, when we are all together, we will find ways and means to
- keep four poor little creatures from beggary and starving, or else it
- would be very hard; we are none of us in so bad circumstances but we are
- able to spare a mite for the fatherless. Don't shut up your bowels of
- compassion against your own flesh and blood. Could you hear these poor
- innocent children cry at your door for hunger, and give them no bread?"
- "Prithee, what need they cry at our door?" says she. "'Tis the business
- of the parish to provide for them; they shan't cry at our door. If they
- do, I'll give them nothing." "Won't you?" says he; "but I will. Remember
- that dreadful Scripture is directly against us, Prov. xxi. 13, 'Whoso
- stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but
- shall not be heard.'"
- "Well, well," says she, "you must do what you will, because you pretend
- to be master; but if I had my will I would send them where they ought to
- be sent: I would send them from whence they came."
- Then the poor woman put in, and said, "But, madam, that is sending them
- to starve indeed, for the parish has no obligation to take care of 'em,
- and so they will lie and perish in the street."
- "Or be sent back again," says the husband, "to our parish in a
- cripple-cart, by the justice's warrant, and so expose us and all the
- relations to the last degree among our neighbours, and among those who
- know the good old gentleman their grandfather, who lived and flourished
- in this parish so many years, and was so well beloved among all people,
- and deserved it so well."
- "I don't value that one farthing, not I," says the wife; "I'll keep none
- of them."
- "Well, my dear," says her husband, "but I value it, for I won't have
- such a blot lie upon the family, and upon your children; he was a
- worthy, ancient, and good man, and his name is respected among all his
- neighbours; it will be a reproach to you, that are his daughter, and to
- our children, that are his grandchildren, that we should let your
- brother's children perish, or come to be a charge to the public, in the
- very place where your family once flourished. Come, say no more; I will
- see what can be done."
- Upon this he sends and gathers all the relations together at a tavern
- hard by, and sent for the four little children, that they might see
- them; and they all, at first word, agreed to have them taken care of,
- and, because his wife was so furious that she would not suffer one of
- them to be kept at home, they agreed to keep them all together for a
- while; so they committed them to the poor woman that had managed the
- affair for them, and entered into obligations to one another to supply
- the needful sums for their maintenance; and, not to have one separated
- from the rest, they sent for the youngest from the parish where it was
- taken in, and had them all brought up together.
- It would take up too long a part of this story to give a particular
- account with what a charitable tenderness this good person, who was but
- an uncle-in-law to them, managed that affair; how careful he was of
- them; went constantly to see them, and to see that they were well
- provided for, clothed, put to school, and, at last, put out in the world
- for their advantage; but it is enough to say he acted more like a father
- to them than an uncle-in-law, though all along much against his wife's
- consent, who was of a disposition not so tender and compassionate as
- her husband.
- You may believe I heard this with the same pleasure which I now feel at
- the relating it again; for I was terribly affrighted at the
- apprehensions of my children being brought to misery and distress, as
- those must be who have no friends, but are left to parish benevolence.
- I was now, however, entering on a new scene of life. I had a great house
- upon my hands, and some furniture left in it; but I was no more able to
- maintain myself and my maid Amy in it than I was my five children; nor
- had I anything to subsist with but what I might get by working, and that
- was not a town where much work was to be had.
- My landlord had been very kind indeed after he came to know my
- circumstances; though, before he was acquainted with that part, he had
- gone so far as to seize my goods, and to carry some of them off too.
- But I had lived three-quarters of a year in his house after that, and
- had paid him no rent, and, which was worse, I was in no condition to pay
- him any. However, I observed he came oftener to see me, looked kinder
- upon me, and spoke more friendly to me, than he used to do, particularly
- the last two or three times he had been there. He observed, he said, how
- poorly I lived, how low I was reduced, and the like; told me it grieved
- him for my sake; and the last time of all he was kinder still, told me
- he came to dine with me, and that I should give him leave to treat me;
- so he called my maid Amy, and sent her out to buy a joint of meat; he
- told her what she should buy; but naming two or three things, either of
- which she might take, the maid, a cunning wench, and faithful to me as
- the skin to my back, did not buy anything outright, but brought the
- butcher along with her, with both the things that she had chosen, for
- him to please himself. The one was a large, very good leg of veal; the
- other a piece of the fore-ribs of roasting beef. He looked at them, but
- made me chaffer with the butcher for him, and I did so, and came back to
- him and told him what the butcher had demanded for either of them, and
- what each of them came to. So he pulls out eleven shillings and
- threepence, which they came to together, and bade me take them both; the
- rest, he said, would serve another time.
- I was surprised, you may be sure, at the bounty of a man that had but a
- little while ago been my terror, and had torn the goods out of my house
- like a fury; but I considered that my distresses had mollified his
- temper, and that he had afterwards been so compassionate as to give me
- leave to live rent free in the house a whole year.
- But now he put on the face, not of a man of compassion only, but of a
- man of friendship and kindness, and this was so unexpected that it was
- surprising. We chatted together, and were, as I may call it, cheerful,
- which was more than I could say I had been for three years before. He
- sent for wine and beer too, for I had none; poor Amy and I had drank
- nothing but water for many weeks, and indeed I have often wondered at
- the faithful temper of the poor girl, for which I but ill requited her
- at last.
- When Amy was come with the wine, he made her fill a glass to him, and
- with the glass in his hand he came to me and kissed me, which I was, I
- confess, a little surprised at, but more at what followed; for he told
- me, that as the sad condition which I was reduced to had made him pity
- me, so my conduct in it, and the courage I bore it with, had given him a
- more than ordinary respect for me, and made him very thoughtful for my
- good; that he was resolved for the present to do something to relieve
- me, and to employ his thoughts in the meantime, to see if he could for
- the future put me into a way to support myself.
- While he found me change colour, and look surprised at his discourse,
- for so I did, to be sure, he turns to my maid Amy, and looking at her,
- he says to me, "I say all this, madam, before your maid, because both
- she and you shall know that I have no ill design, and that I have, in
- mere kindness, resolved to do something for you if I can; and as I have
- been a witness of the uncommon honesty and fidelity of Mrs. Amy here to
- you in all your distresses, I know she may be trusted with so honest a
- design as mine is; for I assure you, I bear a proportioned regard to
- your maid too, for her affection to you."
- Amy made him a curtsey, and the poor girl looked so confounded with joy
- that she could not speak, but her colour came and went, and every now
- and then she blushed as red as scarlet, and the next minute looked as
- pale as death. Well, having said this, he sat down, made me sit down,
- and then drank to me, and made me drink two glasses of wine together;
- "For," says he, "you have need of it;" and so indeed I had. When he had
- done so, "Come, Amy," says he, "with your mistress's leave, you shall
- have a glass too." So he made her drink two glasses also; and then
- rising up, "And now, Amy," says he, "go and get dinner; and you, madam,"
- says he to me, "go up and dress you, and come down and smile and be
- merry;" adding, "I'll make you easy if I can;" and in the meantime, he
- said, he would walk in the garden.
- When he was gone, Amy changed her countenance indeed, and looked as
- merry as ever she did in her life. "Dear madam," says she, "what does
- this gentleman mean?" "Nay, Amy," said I, "he means to do us good, you
- see, don't he? I know no other meaning he can have, for he can get
- nothing by me." "I warrant you, madam," says she, "he'll ask you a
- favour by-and-by." "No, no, you are mistaken, Amy, I dare say," said I;
- "you have heard what he said, didn't you?" "Ay," says Amy, "it's no
- matter for that, you shall see what he will do after dinner." "Well,
- well, Amy," says I, "you have hard thoughts of him. I cannot be of your
- opinion: I don't see anything in him yet that looks like it." "As to
- that, madam," says Amy, "I don't see anything of it yet neither; but
- what should move a gentleman to take pity of us as he does?" "Nay," says
- I, "that's a hard thing too, that we should judge a man to be wicked
- because he's charitable, and vicious because he's kind." "Oh, madam,"
- says Amy, "there's abundance of charity begins in that vice; and he is
- not so unacquainted with things as not to know that poverty is the
- strongest incentive--a temptation against which no virtue is powerful
- enough to stand out. He knows your condition as well as you do." "Well,
- and what then?" "Why, then, he knows too that you are young and
- handsome, and he has the surest bait in the world to take you with."
- "Well, Amy," said I, "but he may find himself mistaken too in such a
- thing as that." "Why, madam," says Amy, "I hope you won't deny him if he
- should offer it."
- "What d'ye mean by that, hussy?" said I. "No, I'd starve first."
- "I hope not, madam, I hope you would be wiser; I'm sure if he will set
- you up, as he talks of, you ought to deny him nothing; and you will
- starve if you do not consent, that's certain."
- "What! consent to lie with him for bread? Amy," said I, "how can you
- talk so!"
- "Nay, madam," says Amy, "I don't think you would for anything else; it
- would not be lawful for anything else, but for bread, madam; why, nobody
- can starve, there's no bearing that, I'm sure."
- "Ay," says I, "but if he would give me an estate to live on, he should
- not lie with me, I assure you."
- "Why, look you, madam; if he would but give you enough to live easy
- upon, he should lie with me for it with all my heart."
- "That's a token, Amy, of inimitable kindness to me," said I, "and I know
- how to value it; but there's more friendship than honesty in it, Amy."
- "Oh, madam," says Amy, "I'd do anything to get you out of this sad
- condition; as to honesty, I think honesty is out of the question when
- starving is the case. Are not we almost starved to death?"
- "I am indeed," said I, "and thou art for my sake; but to be a whore,
- Amy!" and there I stopped.
- "Dear madam," says Amy, "if I will starve for your sake, I will be a
- whore or anything for your sake; why, I would die for you if I were put
- to it."
- "Why, that's an excess of affection, Amy," said I, "I never met with
- before; I wish I may be ever in condition to make you some returns
- suitable. But, however, Amy, you shall not be a whore to him, to oblige
- him to be kind to me; no, Amy, nor I won't be a whore to him, if he
- would give me much more than he is able to give me or do for me."
- "Why, madam," says Amy, "I don't say I will go and ask him; but I say,
- if he should promise to do so and so for you, and the condition was such
- that he would not serve you unless I would let him lie with me, he
- should lie with me as often as he would, rather than you should not have
- his assistance. But this is but talk, madam; I don't see any need of
- such discourse, and you are of opinion that there will be no need of
- it."
- "Indeed so I am, Amy; but," said I, "if there was, I tell you again, I'd
- die before I would consent, or before you should consent for my sake."
- Hitherto I had not only preserved the virtue itself, but the virtuous
- inclination and resolution; and had I kept myself there I had been
- happy, though I had perished of mere hunger; for, without question, a
- woman ought rather to die than to prostitute her virtue and honour, let
- the temptation be what it will.
- But to return to my story; he walked about the garden, which was,
- indeed, all in disorder, and overrun with weeds, because I had not been
- able to hire a gardener to do anything to it, no, not so much as to dig
- up ground enough to sow a few turnips and carrots for family use. After
- he had viewed it, he came in, and sent Amy to fetch a poor man, a
- gardener, that used to help our man-servant, and carried him into the
- garden, and ordered him to do several things in it, to put it into a
- little order; and this took him up near an hour.
- By this time I had dressed me as well as I could; for though I had good
- linen left still, yet I had but a poor head-dress, and no knots, but old
- fragments; no necklace, no earrings; all those things were gone long ago
- for mere bread.
- However, I was tight and clean, and in better plight than he had seen me
- in a great while, and he looked extremely pleased to see me so; for, he
- said, I looked so disconsolate and so afflicted before, that it grieved
- him to see me; and he bade me pluck up a good heart, for he hoped to put
- me in a condition to live in the world, and be beholden to nobody.
- I told him that was impossible, for I must be beholden to him for it,
- for all the friends I had in the world would not or could not do so much
- for me as that he spoke of "Well, widow," says he (so he called me, and
- so indeed I was in the worst sense that desolate word could be used
- in), "if you are beholden to me, you shall be beholden to nobody else."
- By this time dinner was ready, and Amy came in to lay the cloth, and
- indeed it was happy there was none to dine but he and I, for I had but
- six plates left in the house, and but two dishes; however, he knew how
- things were, and bade me make no scruple about bringing out what I had.
- He hoped to see me in a better plight. He did not come, he said, to be
- entertained, but to entertain me, and comfort and encourage me. Thus he
- went on, speaking so cheerfully to me, and such cheerful things, that it
- was a cordial to my very soul to hear him speak.
- Well, we went to dinner. I'm sure I had not ate a good meal hardly in a
- twelvemonth, at least not of such a joint of meat as the loin of veal
- was. I ate, indeed, very heartily, and so did he, and he made me drink
- three or four glasses of wine; so that, in short, my spirits were lifted
- up to a degree I had not been used to, and I was not only cheerful, but
- merry; and so he pressed me to be.
- I told him I had a great deal of reason to be merry, seeing he had been
- so kind to me, and had given me hopes of recovering me from the worst
- circumstances that ever woman of any sort of fortune was sunk into; that
- he could not but believe that what he had said to me was like life from
- the dead; that it was like recovering one sick from the brink of the
- grave; how I should ever make him a return any way suitable was what I
- had not yet had time to think of; I could only say that I should never
- forget it while I had life, and should be always ready to acknowledge
- it.
- He said that was all he desired of me; that his reward would be the
- satisfaction of having rescued me from misery; that he found he was
- obliging one that knew what gratitude meant; that he would make it his
- business to make me completely easy, first or last, if it lay in his
- power; and in the meantime he bade me consider of anything that I
- thought he might do for me, for my advantage, and in order to make me
- perfectly easy.
- After we had talked thus, he bade me be cheerful. "Come," says he, "lay
- aside these melancholy things, and let us be merry." Amy waited at the
- table, and she smiled and laughed, and was so merry she could hardly
- contain it, for the girl loved me to an excess hardly to be described;
- and it was such an unexpected thing to hear any one talk to her
- mistress, that the wench was beside herself almost, and, as soon as
- dinner was over, Amy went upstairs, and put on her best clothes too, and
- came down dressed like a gentlewoman.
- We sat together talking of a thousand things--of what had been, and what
- was to be--all the rest of the day, and in the evening he took his
- leave of me, with a thousand expressions of kindness and tenderness and
- true affection to me, but offered not the least of what my maid Amy had
- suggested.
- At his going away he took me in his arms, protested an honest kindness
- to me; said a thousand kind things to me, which I cannot now recollect;
- and, after kissing me twenty times or thereabouts, put a guinea into my
- hand, which, he said, was for my present supply, and told me that he
- would see me again before it was out; also he gave Amy half-a-crown.
- When he was gone, "Well, Amy," said I, "are you convinced now that he is
- an honest as well as a true friend, and that there has been nothing, not
- the least appearance of anything, of what you imagined in his
- behaviour?" "Yes," says Amy, "I am, but I admire at it. He is such a
- friend as the world, sure, has not abundance of to show."
- "I am sure," says I, "he is such a friend as I have long wanted, and as
- I have as much need of as any creature in the world has or ever had."
- And, in short, I was so overcome with the comfort of it that I sat down
- and cried for joy a good while, as I had formerly cried for sorrow. Amy
- and I went to bed that night (for Amy lay with me) pretty early, but lay
- chatting almost all night about it, and the girl was so transported that
- she got up two or three times in the night and danced about the room in
- her shift; in short, the girl was half distracted with the joy of it; a
- testimony still of her violent affection for her mistress, in which no
- servant ever went beyond her.
- We heard no more of him for two days, but the third day he came again;
- then he told me, with the same kindness, that he had ordered me a supply
- of household goods for the furnishing the house; that, in particular, he
- had sent me back all the goods that he had seized for rent, which
- consisted, indeed, of the best of my former furniture. "And now," says
- he, "I'll tell you what I have had in my head for you for your present
- supply, and that is," says he, "that the house being well furnished, you
- shall let it out to lodgings for the summer gentry," says he, "by which
- you will easily get a good comfortable subsistence, especially seeing
- you shall pay me no rent for two years, nor after neither, unless you
- can afford it."
- This was the first view I had of living comfortably indeed, and it was a
- very probable way, I must confess, seeing we had very good conveniences,
- six rooms on a floor, and three stories high. While he was laying down
- the scheme of my management, came a cart to the door with a load of
- goods, and an upholsterer's man to put them up. They were chiefly the
- furniture of two rooms which he had carried away for his two years'
- rent, with two fine cabinets, and some pier-glasses out of the parlour,
- and several other valuable things.
- These were all restored to their places, and he told me he gave them me
- freely, as a satisfaction for the cruelty he had used me with before;
- and the furniture of one room being finished and set up, he told me he
- would furnish one chamber for himself, and would come and be one of my
- lodgers, if I would give him leave.
- I told him he ought not to ask me leave, who had so much right to make
- himself welcome. So the house began to look in some tolerable figure,
- and clean; the garden also, in about a fortnight's work, began to look
- something less like a wilderness than it used to do; and he ordered me
- to put up a bill for letting rooms, reserving one for himself, to come
- to as he saw occasion.
- When all was done to his mind, as to placing the goods, he seemed very
- well pleased, and we dined together again of his own providing; and the
- upholsterer's man gone, after dinner he took me by the hand. "Come now,
- madam," says he, "you must show me your house" (for he had a mind to see
- everything over again). "No, sir," said I; "but I'll go show you your
- house, if you please;" so we went up through all the rooms, and in the
- room which was appointed for himself Amy was doing something. "Well,
- Amy," says he, "I intend to lie with you to-morrow night." "To-night if
- you please, sir," says Amy very innocently; "your room is quite ready."
- "Well, Amy," says he, "I am glad you are so willing." "No," says Amy, "I
- mean your chamber is ready to-night," and away she run out of the room,
- ashamed enough; for the girl meant no harm, whatever she had said to me
- in private.
- However, he said no more then; but when Amy was gone he walked about the
- room, and looked at everything, and taking me by the hand he kissed me,
- and spoke a great many kind, affectionate things to me indeed; as of his
- measures for my advantage, and what he would do to raise me again in the
- world; told me that my afflictions and the conduct I had shown in
- bearing them to such an extremity, had so engaged him to me that he
- valued me infinitely above all the women in the world; that though he
- was under such engagements that he could not marry me (his wife and he
- had been parted for some reasons, which make too long a story to
- intermix with mine), yet that he would be everything else that a woman
- could ask in a husband; and with that he kissed me again, and took me in
- his arms, but offered not the least uncivil action to me, and told me he
- hoped I would not deny him all the favours he should ask, because he
- resolved to ask nothing of me but what it was fit for a woman of virtue
- and modesty, for such he knew me to be, to yield.
- I confess the terrible pressure of my former misery, the memory of which
- lay heavy upon my mind, and the surprising kindness with which he had
- delivered me, and, withal, the expectations of what he might still do
- for me, were powerful things, and made me have scarce the power to deny
- him anything he would ask. However, I told him thus, with an air of
- tenderness too, that he had done so much for me that I thought I ought
- to deny him nothing; only I hoped and depended upon him that he would
- not take the advantage of the infinite obligations I was under to him,
- to desire anything of me the yielding to which would lay me lower in his
- esteem than I desired to be; that as I took him to be a man of honour,
- so I knew he could not like me better for doing anything that was below
- a woman of honesty and good manners to do.
- He told me that he had done all this for me, without so much as telling
- me what kindness or real affection he had for me, that I might not be
- under any necessity of yielding to him in anything for want of bread;
- and he would no more oppress my gratitude now than he would my necessity
- before, nor ask anything, supposing he would stop his favours or
- withdraw his kindness, if he was denied; it was true, he said, he might
- tell me more freely his mind now than before, seeing I had let him see
- that I accepted his assistance, and saw that he was sincere in his
- design of serving me; that he had gone thus far to show me that he was
- kind to me, but that now he would tell me that he loved me, and yet
- would demonstrate that his love was both honourable, and that what he
- should desire was what he might honestly ask and I might honestly grant.
- I answered that, within those two limitations, I was sure I ought to
- deny him nothing, and I should think myself not ungrateful only, but
- very unjust, if I should; so he said no more, but I observed he kissed
- me more, and took me in his arms in a kind of familiar way, more than
- usual, and which once or twice put me in mind of my maid Amy's words;
- and yet, I must acknowledge, I was so overcome with his goodness to me
- in those many kind things he had done that I not only was easy at what
- he did and made no resistance, but was inclined to do the like, whatever
- he had offered to do. But he went no farther than what I have said, nor
- did he offer so much as to sit down on the bedside with me, but took his
- leave, said he loved me tenderly, and would convince me of it by such
- demonstrations as should be to my satisfaction. I told him I had a great
- deal of reason to believe him, that he was full master of the whole
- house and of me, as far as was within the bounds we had spoken of, which
- I believe he would not break, and asked him if he would not lodge there
- that night.
- He said he could not well stay that night, business requiring him in
- London, but added, smiling, that he would come the next day and take a
- night's lodging with me. I pressed him to stay that night, and told him
- I should be glad a friend so valuable should be under the same roof with
- me; and indeed I began at that time not only to be much obliged to him,
- but to love him too, and that in a manner that I had not been acquainted
- with myself.
- Oh! let no woman slight the temptation that being generously delivered
- from trouble is to any spirit furnished with gratitude and just
- principles. This gentleman had freely and voluntarily delivered me from
- misery, from poverty, and rags; he had made me what I was, and put me
- into a way to be even more than I ever was, namely, to live happy and
- pleased, and on his bounty I depended. What could I say to this
- gentleman when he pressed me to yield to him, and argued the lawfulness
- of it? But of that in its place.
- I pressed him again to stay that night, and told him it was the first
- completely happy night that I had ever had in the house in my life, and
- I should be very sorry to have it be without his company, who was the
- cause and foundation of it all; that we would be innocently merry, but
- that it could never be without him; and, in short, I courted him so,
- that he said he could not deny me, but he would take his horse and go
- to London, do the business he had to do, which, it seems, was to pay a
- foreign bill that was due that night, and would else be protested, and
- that he would come back in three hours at farthest, and sup with me; but
- bade me get nothing there, for since I was resolved to be merry, which
- was what he desired above all things, he would send me something from
- London. "And we will make it a wedding supper, my dear," says he; and
- with that word took me in his arms, and kissed me so vehemently that I
- made no question but he intended to do everything else that Amy had
- talked of.
- I started a little at the word wedding. "What do ye mean, to call it by
- such a name?" says I; adding, "We will have a supper, but t'other is
- impossible, as well on your side as mine." He laughed. "Well," says he,
- "you shall call it what you will, but it may be the same thing, for I
- shall satisfy you it is not so impossible as you make it."
- "I don't understand you," said I. "Have not I a husband and you a wife?"
- "Well, well," says he, "we will talk of that after supper;" so he rose
- up, gave me another kiss, and took his horse for London.
- This kind of discourse had fired my blood, I confess, and I knew not
- what to think of it. It was plain now that he intended to lie with me,
- but how he would reconcile it to a legal thing, like a marriage, that I
- could not imagine. We had both of us used Amy with so much intimacy, and
- trusted her with everything, having such unexampled instances of her
- fidelity, that he made no scruple to kiss me and say all these things to
- me before her; nor had he cared one farthing, if I would have let him
- lie with me, to have had Amy there too all night. When he was gone,
- "Well, Amy," says I, "what will all this come to now? I am all in a
- sweat at him." "Come to, madam?" says Amy. "I see what it will come to;
- I must put you to bed to-night together." "Why, you would not be so
- impudent, you jade you," says I, "would you?" "Yes, I would," says she,
- "with all my heart, and think you both as honest as ever you were in
- your lives."
- "What ails the slut to talk so?" said I. "Honest! How can it be honest?"
- "Why, I'll tell you, madam," says Amy; "I sounded it as soon as I heard
- him speak, and it is very true too; he calls you widow, and such indeed
- you are; for, as my master has left you so many years, he is dead, to be
- sure; at least he is dead to you; he is no husband. You are, and ought
- to be, free to marry who you will; and his wife being gone from him, and
- refusing to lie with him, then he is a single man again as much as ever;
- and though you cannot bring the laws of the land to join you together,
- yet, one refusing to do the office of a wife, and the other of a
- husband, you may certainly take one another fairly."
- "Nay, Amy," says I, "if I could take him fairly, you may be sure I'd
- take him above all the men in the world; it turned the very heart within
- me when I heard him say he loved me. How could it be otherwise, when you
- know what a condition I was in before, despised and trampled on by all
- the world? I could have took him in my arms and kissed him as freely as
- he did me, if it had not been for shame."
- "Ay, and all the rest too," says Amy, "at the first word. I don't see
- how you can think of denying him anything. Has he not brought you out of
- the devil's clutches, brought you out of the blackest misery that ever
- poor lady was reduced to? Can a woman deny such a man anything?"
- "Nay, I don't know what to do, Amy," says I. "I hope he won't desire
- anything of that kind of me; I hope he won't attempt it. If he does, I
- know not what to say to him."
- "Not ask you!" says Amy. "Depend upon it, he will ask you, and you will
- grant it too. I am sure my mistress is no fool. Come, pray, madam, let
- me go air you a clean shift; don't let him find you in foul linen the
- wedding-night."
- "But that I know you to be a very honest girl, Amy," says I, "you would
- make me abhor you. Why, you argue for the devil, as if you were one of
- his privy councillors."
- "It's no matter for that, madam, I say nothing but what I think. You own
- you love this gentleman, and he has given you sufficient testimony of
- his affection to you; your conditions are alike unhappy, and he is of
- opinion that he may take another woman, his first wife having broke her
- honour, and living from him; and that though the laws of the land will
- not allow him to marry formally, yet that he may take another woman into
- his arms, provided he keeps true to the other woman as a wife; nay, he
- says it is usual to do so, and allowed by the custom of the place, in
- several countries abroad. And, I must own, I am of the same mind; else
- it is in the power of a whore, after she has jilted and abandoned her
- husband, to confine him from the pleasure as well as convenience of a
- woman all the days of his life, which would be very unreasonable, and,
- as times go, not tolerable to all people; and the like on your side,
- madam."
- Had I now had my senses about me, and had my reason not been overcome by
- the powerful attraction of so kind, so beneficent a friend; had I
- consulted conscience and virtue, I should have repelled this Amy,
- however faithful and honest to me in other things, as a viper and engine
- of the devil. I ought to have remembered that neither he or I, either
- by the laws of God or man, could come together upon any other terms
- than that of notorious adultery. The ignorant jade's argument, that he
- had brought me out of the hands of the devil, by which she meant the
- devil of poverty and distress, should have been a powerful motive to me
- not to plunge myself into the jaws of hell, and into the power of the
- real devil, in recompense for that deliverance. I should have looked
- upon all the good this man had done for me to have been the particular
- work of the goodness of Heaven, and that goodness should have moved me
- to a return of duty and humble obedience. I should have received the
- mercy thankfully, and applied it soberly, to the praise and honour of my
- Maker; whereas, by this wicked course, all the bounty and kindness of
- this gentleman became a snare to me, was a mere bait to the devil's
- hook; I received his kindness at the dear expense of body and soul,
- mortgaging faith, religion, conscience, and modesty for (as I may call
- it) a morsel of bread; or, if you will, ruined my soul from a principle
- of gratitude, and gave myself up to the devil, to show myself grateful
- to my benefactor. I must do the gentleman that justice as to say I
- verily believe that he did nothing but what he thought was lawful; and I
- must do that justice upon myself as to say I did what my own conscience
- convinced me, at the very time I did it, was horribly unlawful,
- scandalous, and abominable.
- But poverty was my snare; dreadful poverty! The misery I had been in was
- great, such as would make the heart tremble at the apprehensions of its
- return; and I might appeal to any that has had any experience of the
- world, whether one so entirely destitute as I was of all manner of all
- helps or friends, either to support me or to assist me to support
- myself, could withstand the proposal; not that I plead this as a
- justification of my conduct, but that it may move the pity even of those
- that abhor the crime.
- Besides this, I was young, handsome, and, with all the mortifications I
- had met with, was vain, and that not a little; and, as it was a new
- thing, so it was a pleasant thing to be courted, caressed, embraced, and
- high professions of affection made to me, by a man so agreeable and so
- able to do me good.
- Add to this, that if I had ventured to disoblige this gentleman, I had
- no friend in the world to have recourse to; I had no prospect--no, not
- of a bit of bread; I had nothing before me but to fall back into the
- same misery that I had been in before.
- Amy had but too much rhetoric in this cause; she represented all those
- things in their proper colours; she argued them all with her utmost
- skill; and at last the merry jade, when she came to dress me, "Look ye,
- madam," said she, "if you won't consent, tell him you will do as Rachel
- did to Jacob, when she could have no children--put her maid to bed to
- him; tell him you cannot comply with him, but there's Amy, he may ask
- her the question; she has promised me she won't deny you."
- "And would you have me say so, Amy?" said I.
- "No, madam; but I would really have you do so. Besides, you are undone
- if you do not; and if my doing it would save you from being undone, as I
- said before, he shall, if he will; if he asks me, I won't deny him, not
- I; hang me if I do," says Amy.
- "Well, I know not what to do," says I to Amy.
- "Do!" says Amy. "Your choice is fair and plain. Here you may have a
- handsome, charming gentleman, be rich, live pleasantly and in plenty, or
- refuse him, and want a dinner, go in rags, live in tears; in short, beg
- and starve. You know this is the case, madam," says Amy. "I wonder how
- you can say you know not what to do."
- "Well, Amy," says I, "the case is as you say, and I think verily I must
- yield to him; but then," said I, moved by conscience, "don't talk any
- more of your cant of its being lawful that I ought to marry again, and
- that he ought to marry again, and such stuff as that; 'tis all
- nonsense," says I, "Amy, there's nothing in it; let me hear no more of
- that, for if I yield, 'tis in vain to mince the matter, I am a whore,
- Amy; neither better nor worse, I assure you."
- "I don't think so, madam, by no means," says Amy. "I wonder how you can
- talk so;" and then she run on with her argument of the unreasonableness
- that a woman should be obliged to live single, or a man to live single,
- in such cases as before. "Well, Amy," said I, "come, let us dispute no
- more, for the longer I enter into that part, the greater my scruples
- will be; but if I let it alone, the necessity of my present
- circumstances is such that I believe I shall yield to him, if he should
- importune me much about it; but I should be glad he would not do it at
- all, but leave me as I am."
- "As to that, madam, you may depend," says Amy, "he expects to have you
- for his bedfellow to-night. I saw it plainly in his management all day;
- and at last he told you so too, as plain, I think, as he could." "Well,
- well, Amy," said I, "I don't know what to say; if he will he must, I
- think; I don't know how to resist such a man, that has done so much for
- me." "I don't know how you should," says Amy.
- Thus Amy and I canvassed the business between us; the jade prompted the
- crime which I had but too much inclination to commit, that is to say,
- not as a crime, for I had nothing of the vice in my constitution; my
- spirits were far from being high, my blood had no fire in it to kindle
- the flame of desire; but the kindness and good humour of the man and
- the dread of my own circumstances concurred to bring me to the point,
- and I even resolved, before he asked, to give up my virtue to him
- whenever he should put it to the question.
- In this I was a double offender, whatever he was, for I was resolved to
- commit the crime, knowing and owning it to be a crime; he, if it was
- true as he said, was fully persuaded it was lawful, and in that
- persuasion he took the measures and used all the circumlocutions which I
- am going to speak of.
- About two hours after he was gone, came a Leadenhall basket-woman, with
- a whole load of good things for the mouth (the particulars are not to
- the purpose), and brought orders to get supper by eight o'clock.
- However, I did not intend to begin to dress anything till I saw him; and
- he gave me time enough, for he came before seven, so that Amy, who had
- gotten one to help her, got everything ready in time.
- We sat down to supper about eight, and were indeed very merry. Amy made
- us some sport, for she was a girl of spirit and wit, and with her talk
- she made us laugh very often, and yet the jade managed her wit with all
- the good manners imaginable.
- But to shorten the story. After supper he took me up into his chamber,
- where Amy had made a good fire, and there he pulled out a great many
- papers, and spread them upon a little table, and then took me by the
- hand, and after kissing me very much, he entered into a discourse of his
- circumstances and of mine, how they agreed in several things exactly;
- for example, that I was abandoned of a husband in the prime of my youth
- and vigour, and he of a wife in his middle age; how the end of marriage
- was destroyed by the treatment we had either of us received, and it
- would be very hard that we should be tied by the formality of the
- contract where the essence of it was destroyed. I interrupted him, and
- told him there was a vast difference between our circumstances, and that
- in the most essential part, namely, that he was rich, and I was poor;
- that he was above the world, and I infinitely below it; that his
- circumstances were very easy, mine miserable, and this was an inequality
- the most essential that could be imagined. "As to that, my dear," says
- he, "I have taken such measures as shall make an equality still;" and
- with that he showed me a contract in writing, wherein he engaged himself
- to me to cohabit constantly with me, to provide for me in all respects
- as a wife, and repeating in the preamble a long account of the nature
- and reason of our living together, and an obligation in the penalty of
- £7000 never to abandon me; and at last showed me a bond for £500, to be
- paid to me, or to my assigns, within three months after his death.
- He read over all these things to me, and then, in a most moving,
- affectionate manner, and in words not to be answered, he said, "Now, my
- dear, is this not sufficient? Can you object anything against it? If
- not, as I believe you will not, then let us debate this matter no
- longer." With that he pulled out a silk purse, which had threescore
- guineas in it, and threw them into my lap, and concluded all the rest of
- his discourse with kisses and protestations of his love, of which indeed
- I had abundant proof.
- Pity human frailty, you that read of a woman reduced in her youth and
- prime to the utmost misery and distress, and raised again, as above, by
- the unexpected and surprising bounty of a stranger; I say, pity her if
- she was not able, after all these things, to make any more resistance.
- However, I stood out a little longer still. I asked him how he could
- expect that I could come into a proposal of such consequence the very
- first time it was moved to me; and that I ought, if I consented to it,
- to capitulate with him that he should never upbraid me with easiness and
- consenting too soon. He said no; but, on the contrary, he would take it
- as a mark of the greatest kindness I could show him. Then he went on to
- give reasons why there was no occasion to use the ordinary ceremony of
- delay, or to wait a reasonable time of courtship, which was only to
- avoid scandal; but, as this was private, it had nothing of that nature
- in it; that he had been courting me some time by the best of courtship,
- viz., doing acts of kindness to me; and that he had given testimonies of
- his sincere affection to me by deeds, not by flattering trifles and the
- usual courtship of words, which were often found to have very little
- meaning; that he took me, not as a mistress, but as his wife, and
- protested it was clear to him he might lawfully do it, and that I was
- perfectly at liberty, and assured me, by all that it was possible for an
- honest man to say, that he would treat me as his wife as long as he
- lived. In a word, he conquered all the little resistance I intended to
- make; he protested he loved me above all the world, and begged I would
- for once believe him; that he had never deceived me, and never would,
- but would make it his study to make my life comfortable and happy, and
- to make me forget the misery I had gone through. I stood still a while,
- and said nothing; but seeing him eager for my answer, I smiled, and
- looking up at him, "And must I, then," says I, "say yes at first asking?
- Must I depend upon your promise? Why, then," said I, "upon the faith of
- that promise, and in the sense of that inexpressible kindness you have
- shown me, you shall be obliged, and I will be wholly yours to the end of
- my life;" and with that I took his hand, which held me by the hand, and
- gave it a kiss.
- And thus, in gratitude for the favours I received from a man, was all
- sense of religion and duty to God, all regard to virtue and honour,
- given up at once, and we were to call one another man and wife, who, in
- the sense of the laws both of God and our country, were no more than two
- adulterers; in short, a whore and a rogue. Nor, as I have said above,
- was my conscience silent in it, though it seems his was; for I sinned
- with open eyes, and thereby had a double guilt upon me. As I always
- said, his notions were of another kind, and he either was before of the
- opinion, or argued himself into it now, that we were both free and might
- lawfully marry.
- But I was quite of another side--nay, and my judgment was right, but my
- circumstances were my temptation; the terrors behind me looked blacker
- than the terrors before me; and the dreadful argument of wanting bread,
- and being run into the horrible distresses I was in before, mastered all
- my resolution, and I gave myself up as above.
- The rest of the evening we spent very agreeably to me; he was perfectly
- good-humoured, and was at that time very merry. Then he made Amy dance
- with him, and I told him I would put Amy to bed to him. Amy said, with
- all her heart; she never had been a bride in her life. In short, he made
- the girl so merry that, had he not been to lie with me the same night,
- I believe he would have played the fool with Amy for half-an-hour, and
- the girl would no more have refused him than I intended to do. Yet
- before, I had always found her a very modest wench as any I ever saw in
- all my life; but, in short, the mirth of that night, and a few more such
- afterwards, ruined the girl's modesty for ever, as shall appear
- by-and-by, in its place.
- So far does fooling and toying sometimes go that I know nothing a young
- woman has to be more cautious of; so far had this innocent girl gone in
- jesting between her and I, and in talking that she would let him lie
- with her, if he would but be kinder to me, that at last she let him lie
- with her in earnest; and so empty was I now of all principle, that I
- encouraged the doing it almost before my face.
- I say but too justly that I was empty of principle, because, as above, I
- had yielded to him, not as deluded to believe it lawful, but as overcome
- by his kindness, and terrified at the fear of my own misery if he should
- leave me. So with my eyes open, and with my conscience, as I may say,
- awake, I sinned, knowing it to be a sin, but having no power to resist.
- When this had thus made a hole in my heart, and I was come to such a
- height as to transgress against the light of my own conscience, I was
- then fit for any wickedness, and conscience left off speaking where it
- found it could not be heard.
- But to return to our story. Having consented, as above, to his proposal,
- we had not much more to do. He gave me my writings, and the bond for my
- maintenance during his life, and for five hundred pounds after his
- death. And so far was he from abating his affection to me afterwards,
- that two years after we were thus, as he called it, married, he made his
- will, and gave me a thousand pounds more, and all my household stuff,
- plate, &c., which was considerable too.
- Amy put us to bed, and my new friend--I cannot call him husband--was so
- well pleased with Amy for her fidelity and kindness to me that he paid
- her all the arrear of her wages that I owed her, and gave her five
- guineas over; and had it gone no farther, Amy had richly deserved what
- she had, for never was a maid so true to her mistress in such dreadful
- circumstances as I was in. Nor was what followed more her own fault than
- mine, who led her almost into it at first, and quite into it at last;
- and this may be a farther testimony what a hardness of crime I was now
- arrived to, which was owing to the conviction, that was from the
- beginning upon me, that I was a whore, not a wife; nor could I ever
- frame my mouth to call him husband or to say "my husband" when I was
- speaking of him.
- We lived, surely, the most agreeable life, the grand exception only
- excepted, that ever two lived together. He was the most obliging,
- gentlemanly man, and the most tender of me, that ever woman gave herself
- up to. Nor was there ever the least interruption to our mutual kindness,
- no, not to the last day of his life. But I must bring Amy's disaster in
- at once, that I may have done with her.
- Amy was dressing me one morning, for now I had two maids, and Amy was my
- chambermaid. "Dear madam," says Amy, "what! a'nt you with child yet?"
- "No, Amy," says I; "nor any sign of it."
- "Law, madam!" says Amy, "what have you been doing? Why, you have been
- married a year and a half. I warrant you master would have got me with
- child twice in that time." "It may be so, Amy," says I. "Let him try,
- can't you?" "No," says Amy; "you'll forbid it now. Before, I told you he
- should, with all my heart; but I won't now, now he's all your own."
- "Oh," says I, "Amy, I'll freely give you my consent. It will be nothing
- at all to me. Nay, I'll put you to bed to him myself one night or other,
- if you are willing." "No, madam, no," says Amy, "not now he's yours."
- "Why, you fool you," says I, "don't I tell you I'll put you to bed to
- him myself?" "Nay, nay," says Amy, "if you put me to bed to him, that's
- another case; I believe I shall not rise again very soon." "I'll venture
- that, Amy," says I.
- After supper that night, and before we were risen from table, I said to
- him, Amy being by, "Hark ye, Mr. ----, do you know that you are to lie
- with Amy to-night?" "No, not I," says he; but turns to Amy, "Is it so,
- Amy?" says he. "No, sir," says she. "Nay, don't say no, you fool; did
- not I promise to put you to bed to him?" But the girl said "No," still,
- and it passed off.
- At night, when we came to go to bed, Amy came into the chamber to
- undress me, and her master slipped into bed first; then I began, and
- told him all that Amy had said about my not being with child, and of her
- being with child twice in that time. "Ay, Mrs. Amy," says he, "I believe
- so too. Come hither, and, we'll try." But Amy did not go. "Go, you
- fool," says I, "can't you? I freely give you both leave." But Amy would
- not go. "Nay, you whore," says I, "you said, if I would put you to bed,
- you would with all your heart." And with that I sat her down, pulled off
- her stockings and shoes, and all her clothes piece by piece, and led her
- to the bed to him. "Here," says I, "try what you can do with your maid
- Amy." She pulled back a little, would not let me pull off her clothes at
- first, but it was hot weather, and she had not many clothes on, and
- particularly no stays on; and at last, when she saw I was in earnest,
- she let me do what I would. So I fairly stripped her, and then I threw
- open the bed and thrust her in.
- I need say no more. This is enough to convince anybody that I did not
- think him my husband, and that I had cast off all principle and all
- modesty, and had effectually stifled conscience.
- Amy, I dare say, began now to repent, and would fain have got out of bed
- again; but he said to her, "Nay, Amy, you see your mistress has put you
- to bed; 'tis all her doing; you must blame her." So he held her fast,
- and the wench being naked in the bed with him, it was too late to look
- back, so she lay still and let him do what he would with her.
- Had I looked upon myself as a wife, you cannot suppose I would have been
- willing to have let my husband lie with my maid, much less before my
- face, for I stood by all the while; but as I thought myself a whore, I
- cannot say but that it was something designed in my thoughts that my
- maid should be a whore too, and should not reproach me with it.
- Amy, however, less vicious than I, was grievously out of sorts the next
- morning, and cried and took on most vehemently, that she was ruined and
- undone, and there was no pacifying her; she was a whore, a slut, and she
- was undone! undone! and cried almost all day. I did all I could to
- pacify her. "A whore!" says I. "Well, and am not I a whore as well as
- you?" "No, no," says Amy; "no, you are not, for you are married." "Not
- I, Amy," says I; "I do not pretend to it. He may marry you to-morrow,
- if he will, for anything I could do to hinder it. I am not married. I do
- not look upon it as anything." Well, all did not pacify Amy, but she
- cried two or three days about it; but it wore off by degrees.
- But the case differed between Amy and her master exceedingly; for Amy
- retained the same kind temper she always had; but, on the contrary, he
- was quite altered, for he hated her heartily, and could, I believe, have
- killed her after it, and he told me so, for he thought this a vile
- action; whereas what he and I had done he was perfectly easy in, thought
- it just, and esteemed me as much his wife as if we had been married from
- our youth, and had neither of us known any other; nay, he loved me, I
- believe, as entirely as if I had been the wife of his youth. Nay, he
- told me it was true, in one sense, that he had two wives, but that I was
- the wife of his affection, the other the wife of his aversion.
- I was extremely concerned at the aversion he had taken to my maid Amy,
- and used my utmost skill to get it altered; for though he had, indeed,
- debauched the wench, I knew that I was the principal occasion of it; and
- as he was the best-humoured man in the world, I never gave him over till
- I prevailed with him to be easy with her, and as I was now become the
- devil's agent, to make others as wicked as myself, I brought him to lie
- with her again several times after that, till at last, as the poor girl
- said, so it happened, and she was really with child.
- She was terribly concerned at it, and so was he too. "Come, my dear,"
- says I, "when Rachel put her handmaid to bed to Jacob, she took the
- children as her own. Don't be uneasy; I'll take the child as my own. Had
- not I a hand in the frolic of putting her to bed to you? It was my fault
- as much as yours." So I called Amy, and encouraged her too, and told her
- that I would take care of the child and her too, and added the same
- argument to her. "For," says I, "Amy, it was all my fault. Did not I
- drag your clothes off your back, and put you to bed to him?" Thus I,
- that had, indeed, been the cause of all the wickedness between them,
- encouraged them both, when they had any remorse about it, and rather
- prompted them to go on with it than to repent it.
- When Amy grew big she went to a place I had provided for her, and the
- neighbours knew nothing but that Amy and I was parted. She had a fine
- child indeed, a daughter, and we had it nursed; and Amy came again in
- about half a year to live with her old mistress; but neither my
- gentleman, or Amy either, cared for playing that game over again; for,
- as he said, the jade might bring him a houseful of children to keep.
- We lived as merrily and as happily after this as could be expected,
- considering our circumstances; I mean as to the pretended marriage, &c.;
- and as to that, my gentleman had not the least concern about him for it.
- But as much as I was hardened, and that was as much as I believe ever
- any wicked creature was, yet I could not help it, there was and would be
- hours of intervals and of dark reflections which came involuntarily in,
- and thrust in sighs into the middle of all my songs; and there would be
- sometimes a heaviness of heart which intermingled itself with all my
- joy, and which would often fetch a tear from my eye. And let others
- pretend what they will, I believe it impossible to be otherwise with
- anybody. There can be no substantial satisfaction in a life of known
- wickedness; conscience will, and does often, break in upon them at
- particular times, let them do what they can to prevent it.
- But I am not to preach, but to relate; and whatever loose reflections
- were, and how often soever those dark intervals came on, I did my utmost
- to conceal them from him; ay, and to suppress and smother them too in
- myself; and, to outward appearance, we lived as cheerfully and agreeably
- as it was possible for any couple in the world to live.
- After I had thus lived with him something above two years, truly I found
- myself with child too. My gentleman was mightily pleased at it, and
- nothing could be kinder than he was in the preparations he made for me,
- and for my lying-in, which was, however, very private, because I cared
- for as little company as possible; nor had I kept up my neighbourly
- acquaintance, so that I had nobody to invite upon such an occasion.
- I was brought to bed very well (of a daughter too, as well as Amy), but
- the child died at about six weeks old, so all that work was to do over
- again--that is to say, the charge, the expense, the travail, &c.
- The next year I made him amends, and brought him a son, to his great
- satisfaction. It was a charming child, and did very well. After this my
- husband, as he called himself, came to me one evening, and told me he
- had a very difficult thing happened to him, which he knew not what to do
- in, or how to resolve about, unless I would make him easy; this was,
- that his occasions required him to go over to France for about two
- months.
- "Well, my dear," says I, "and how shall I make you easy?"
- "Why, by consenting to let me go," says he; "upon which condition, I'll
- tell you the occasion of my going, that you may judge of the necessity
- there is for it on my side." Then, to make me easy in his going, he told
- me he would make his will before he went, which should be to my full
- satisfaction.
- I told him the last part was so kind that I could not decline the first
- part, unless he would give me leave to add that, if it was not for
- putting him to an extraordinary expense, I would go over along with him.
- He was so pleased with this offer that he told me he would give me full
- satisfaction for it, and accept of it too; so he took me to London with
- him the next day, and there he made his will, and showed it to me, and
- sealed it before proper witnesses, and then gave it to me to keep. In
- this will he gave a thousand pounds to a person that we both knew very
- well, in trust, to pay it, with the interest from the time of his
- decease, to me or my assigns; then he willed the payment of my jointure,
- as he called it, viz., his bond of five hundred pounds after his death;
- also, he gave me all my household stuff, plate, &c.
- This was a most engaging thing for a man to do to one under my
- circumstances; and it would have been hard, as I told him, to deny him
- anything, or to refuse to go with him anywhere. So we settled everything
- as well as we could, left Amy in charge with the house, and for his
- other business, which was in jewels, he had two men he intrusted, who he
- had good security for, and who managed for him, and corresponded with
- him.
- Things being thus concerted, we went away to France, arrived safe at
- Calais, and by easy journeys came in eight days more to Paris, where we
- lodged in the house of an English merchant of his acquaintance, and was
- very courteously entertained.
- My gentleman's business was with some persons of the first rank, and to
- whom he had sold some jewels of very good value, and received a great
- sum of money in specie; and, as he told me privately, he gained three
- thousand pistoles by his bargain, but would not suffer the most intimate
- friend he had there to know what he had received; for it is not so safe
- a thing in Paris to have a great sum of money in keeping as it might be
- in London.
- We made this journey much longer than we intended, and my gentleman sent
- for one of his managers in London to come over to us in Paris with some
- diamonds, and sent him back to London again to fetch more. Then other
- business fell into his hands so unexpectedly that I began to think we
- should take up our constant residence there, which I was not very averse
- to, it being my native country, and I spoke the language perfectly well.
- So we took a good house in Paris, and lived very well there; and I sent
- for Amy to come over to me, for I lived gallantly, and my gentleman was
- two or three times going to keep me a coach, but I declined it,
- especially at Paris, but as they have those conveniences by the day
- there, at a certain rate, I had an equipage provided for me whenever I
- pleased, and I lived here in a very good figure, and might have lived
- higher if I pleased.
- But in the middle of all this felicity a dreadful disaster befell me,
- which entirely unhinged all my affairs, and threw me back into the same
- state of life that I was in before; with this one happy exception,
- however, that whereas before I was poor, even to misery, now I was not
- only provided for, but very rich.
- My gentleman had the name in Paris for a rich man, and indeed he was so,
- though not so immensely rich as people imagined; but that which was
- fatal to him was, that he generally carried a shagreen case in his
- pocket, especially when he went to court, or to the houses of any of the
- princes of the blood, in which he had jewels of very great value.
- It happened one day that, being to go to Versailles to wait upon the
- Prince of ----, he came up into my chamber in the morning, and laid out
- his jewel-case, because he was not going to show any jewels, but to get
- a foreign bill accepted, which he had received from Amsterdam; so, when
- he gave me the case, he said, "My dear, I think I need not carry this
- with me, because it may be I may not come back till night, and it is too
- much to venture." I returned, "Then, my dear, you shan't go." "Why?"
- says he. "Because, as they are too much for you, so you are too much for
- me to venture, and you shall not go, unless you will promise me not to
- stay so as to come back in the night."
- "I hope there's no danger," said he, "seeing that I have nothing about
- me of any value; and therefore, lest I should, take that too," says he,
- and gives me his gold watch and a rich diamond which he had in a ring,
- and always wore on his finger.
- "Well, but, my dear," says I, "you make me more uneasy now than before;
- for if you apprehend no danger, why do you use this caution? and if you
- apprehend there is danger, why do you go at all?"
- "There is no danger," says he, "if I do not stay late, and I do not
- design to do so."
- "Well, but promise me, then, that you won't," says I, "or else I cannot
- let you go."
- "I won't indeed, my dear," says he, "unless I am obliged to it. I assure
- you I do not intend it; but if I should, I am not worth robbing now, for
- I have nothing about me but about six pistoles in my little purse and
- that little ring," showing me a small diamond ring, worth about ten or
- twelve pistoles, which he put upon his finger, in the room of the rich
- one he usually wore.
- [Illustration: THE JEWELLER IS ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR VERSAILLES
- _And gives me his gold watch and a rich diamond which he had in a ring,
- and always wore on his finger_]
- I still pressed him not to stay late, and he said he would not. "But if
- I am kept late," says he, "beyond my expectation, I'll stay all night,
- and come next morning." This seemed a very good caution; but still my
- mind was very uneasy about him, and I told him so, and entreated him
- not to go. I told him I did not know what might be the reason, but that
- I had a strange terror upon my mind about his going, and that if he did
- go, I was persuaded some harm would attend him. He smiled, and returned,
- "Well, my dear, if it should be so, you are now richly provided for; all
- that I have here I give to you." And with that he takes up the casket or
- case, "Here," says he, "hold your hand; there is a good estate for you
- in this case; if anything happens to me 'tis all your own. I give it
- you for yourself;" and with that he put the casket, the fine ring, and
- his gold watch all into my hands, and the key of his scrutoire besides,
- adding, "And in my scrutoire there is some money; it is all your own."
- I stared at him as if I was frighted, for I thought all his face looked
- like a death's-head; and then immediately I thought I perceived his head
- all bloody, and then his clothes looked bloody too, and immediately it
- all went off, and he looked as he really did. Immediately I fell
- a-crying, and hung about him. "My dear," said I, "I am frighted to
- death; you shall not go. Depend upon it some mischief will befall you."
- I did not tell him how my vapourish fancy had represented him to me;
- that, I thought, was not proper. Besides, he would only have laughed at
- me, and would have gone away with a jest about it; but I pressed him
- seriously not to go that day, or, if he did, to promise me to come home
- to Paris again by daylight. He looked a little graver then than he did
- before, told me he was not apprehensive of the least danger, but if
- there was, he would either take care to come in the day, or, as he had
- said before, would stay all night.
- But all these promises came to nothing, for he was set upon in the open
- day and robbed by three men on horseback, masked, as he went; and one of
- them, who, it seems, rifled him while the rest stood to stop the coach,
- stabbed him into the body with a sword, so that he died immediately. He
- had a footman behind the coach, who they knocked down with the stock or
- butt-end of a carbine. They were supposed to kill him because of the
- disappointment they met with in not getting his case or casket of
- diamonds, which they knew he carried about him; and this was supposed
- because, after they had killed him, they made the coachman drive out of
- the road a long way over the heath, till they came to a convenient
- place, where they pulled him out of the coach and searched his clothes
- more narrowly than they could do while he was alive. But they found
- nothing but his little ring, six pistoles, and the value of about seven
- livres in small moneys.
- This was a dreadful blow to me, though I cannot say I was so surprised
- as I should otherwise have been, for all the while he was gone my mind
- was oppressed with the weight of my own thoughts, and I was as sure
- that I should never see him any more that I think nothing could be like
- it. The impression was so strong that I think nothing could make so deep
- a wound that was imaginary; and I was so dejected and disconsolate that,
- when I received the news of his disaster, there was no room for any
- extraordinary alteration in me. I had cried all that day, ate nothing,
- and only waited, as I might say, to receive the dismal news, which I had
- brought to me about five o'clock in the afternoon.
- I was in a strange country, and, though I had a pretty many
- acquaintances, had but very few friends that I could consult on this
- occasion. All possible inquiry was made after the rogues that had been
- thus barbarous, but nothing could be heard of them; nor was it possible
- that the footman could make any discovery of them by his description,
- for they knocked him down immediately, so that he knew nothing of what
- was done afterwards. The coachman was the only man that could say
- anything, and all his account amounted to no more than this, that one of
- them had soldier's clothes, but he could not remember the particulars of
- his mounting, so as to know what regiment he belonged to; and as to
- their faces, that he could know nothing of, because they had all of them
- masks on.
- I had him buried as decently as the place would permit a Protestant
- stranger to be buried, and made some of the scruples and difficulties on
- that account easy by the help of money to a certain person, who went
- impudently to the curate of the parish of St. Sulpitius, in Paris, and
- told him that the gentleman that was killed was a Catholic; that the
- thieves had taken from him a cross of gold, set with diamonds, worth six
- thousand livres; that his widow was a Catholic, and had sent by him
- sixty crowns to the church of ----, for masses to be said for the repose
- of his soul. Upon all which, though not one word was true, he was buried
- with all the ceremonies of the Roman Church.
- I think I almost cried myself to death for him, for I abandoned myself
- to all the excesses of grief; and indeed I loved him to a degree
- inexpressible; and considering what kindness he had shown me at first,
- and how tenderly he had used me to the last, what could I do less?
- Then the manner of his death was terrible and frightful to me, and,
- above all, the strange notices I had of it. I had never pretended to the
- second-sight, or anything of that kind, but certainly, if any one ever
- had such a thing, I had it at this time, for I saw him as plainly in all
- those terrible shapes as above; first, as a skeleton, not dead only, but
- rotten and wasted; secondly, as killed, and his face bloody; and,
- thirdly, his clothes bloody, and all within the space of one minute, or
- indeed of a very few moments.
- These things amazed me, and I was a good while as one stupid. However,
- after some time I began to recover, and look into my affairs. I had the
- satisfaction not to be left in distress, or in danger of poverty. On the
- contrary, besides what he had put into my hands fairly in his lifetime,
- which amounted to a very considerable value, I found above seven hundred
- pistoles in gold in his scrutoire, of which he had given me the key; and
- I found foreign bills accepted for about twelve thousand livres; so
- that, in a word, I found myself possessed of almost ten thousand pounds
- sterling in a very few days after the disaster.
- The first thing I did upon this occasion was to send a letter to my
- maid, as I still called her, Amy, wherein I gave her an account of my
- disaster, how my husband, as she called him (for I never called him so),
- was murdered; and as I did not know how his relations, or his wife's
- friends might act upon that occasion, I ordered her to convey away all
- the plate, linen, and other things of value, and to secure them in a
- person's hands that I directed her to, and then to sell or dispose of
- the furniture of the house, if she could, and so, without acquainting
- anybody with the reason of her going, withdraw; sending notice to his
- head manager at London that the house was quitted by the tenant, and
- they might come and take possession of it for the executors. Amy was so
- dexterous, and did her work so nimbly, that she gutted the house, and
- sent the key to the said manager, almost as soon as he had notice of the
- misfortune that befell their master.
- Upon their receiving the surprising news of his death, the head manager
- came over to Paris, and came to the house. I made no scruple of calling
- myself Madame ----, the widow of Monsieur ----, the English jeweller.
- And as I spoke French naturally, I did not let him know but that I was
- his wife, married in France, and that I had not heard that he had any
- wife in England, but pretended to be surprised, and exclaim against him
- for so base an action; and that I had good friends in Poictou, where I
- was born, who would take care to have justice done me in England out of
- his estate.
- I should have observed that, as soon as the news was public of a man
- being murdered, and that he was a jeweller, fame did me the favour as to
- publish presently that he was robbed of his casket of jewels, which he
- always carried about him. I confirmed this, among my daily lamentations
- for his disaster, and added that he had with him a fine diamond ring,
- which he was known to wear frequently about him, valued at one hundred
- pistoles, a gold watch, and a great quantity of diamonds of inestimable
- value in his casket, which jewels he was carrying to the Prince of
- ----, to show some of them to him; and the prince owned that he had
- spoken to him to bring some such jewels, to let him see them. But I
- sorely repented this part afterward, as you shall hear.
- This rumour put an end to all inquiry after his jewels, his ring, or his
- watch; and as for the seven hundred pistoles, that I secured. For the
- bills which were in hand, I owned I had them, but that, as I said I
- brought my husband thirty thousand livres portion, I claimed the said
- bills, which came to not above twelve thousand livres, for my _amende_;
- and this, with the plate and the household stuff, was the principal of
- all his estate which they could come at. As to the foreign bill which he
- was going to Versailles to get accepted, it was really lost with him;
- but his manager, who had remitted the bill to him, by way of Amsterdam,
- bringing over the second bill, the money was saved, as they call it,
- which would otherwise have been also gone; the thieves who robbed and
- murdered him were, to be sure, afraid to send anybody to get the bill
- accepted, for that would undoubtedly have discovered them.
- By this time my maid Amy was arrived, and she gave me an account of her
- management, and how she had secured everything, and that she had quitted
- the house, and sent the key to the head manager of his business, and
- let me know how much she had made of everything very punctually and
- honestly.
- I should have observed, in the account of his dwelling with me so long
- at ----, that he never passed for anything there but a lodger in the
- house; and though he was landlord, that did not alter the case. So that
- at his death, Amy coming to quit the house and give them the key, there
- was no affinity between that and the case of their master who was newly
- killed.
- I got good advice at Paris from an eminent lawyer, a counsellor of the
- Parliament there, and laying my case before him, he directed me to make
- a process in dower upon the estate, for making good my new fortune upon
- matrimony, which accordingly I did; and, upon the whole, the manager
- went back to England well satisfied that he had gotten the unaccepted
- bill of exchange, which was for two thousand five hundred pounds, with
- some other things, which together amounted to seventeen thousand livres;
- and thus I got rid of him.
- I was visited with great civility on this sad occasion of the loss of my
- husband, as they thought him, by a great many ladies of quality. And the
- Prince of ----, to whom it was reported he was carrying the jewels, sent
- his gentleman with a very handsome compliment of condolence to me; and
- his gentleman, whether with or without order, hinted as if his Highness
- did intend to have visited me himself, but that some accident, which he
- made a long story of, had prevented him.
- By the concourse of ladies and others that thus came to visit me, I
- began to be much known; and as I did not forget to set myself out with
- all possible advantage, considering the dress of a widow, which in those
- days was a most frightful thing; I say, as I did thus from my own
- vanity, for I was not ignorant that I was very handsome; I say, on this
- account I was soon made very public, and was known by the name of _La
- belle veufeu de Poictou_, or the pretty widow of Poictou. As I was very
- well pleased to see myself thus handsomely used in my affliction, it
- soon dried up all my tears; and though I appeared as a widow, yet, as we
- say in England, it was of a widow comforted. I took care to let the
- ladies see that I knew how to receive them; that I was not at a loss how
- to behave to any of them; and, in short, I began to be very popular
- there. But I had an occasion afterwards which made me decline that kind
- of management, as you shall hear presently.
- About four days after I had received the compliments of condolence from
- the Prince ----, the same gentleman he had sent before came to tell me
- that his Highness was coming to give me a visit. I was indeed surprised
- at that, and perfectly at a loss how to behave. However, as there was
- no remedy, I prepared to receive him as well as I could. It was not many
- minutes after but he was at the door, and came in, introduced by his own
- gentleman, as above, and after by my woman Amy.
- He treated me with abundance of civility, and condoled handsomely on the
- loss of my husband, and likewise the manner of it. He told me he
- understood he was coming to Versailles to himself, to show him some
- jewels; that it was true that he had discoursed with him about jewels,
- but could not imagine how any villains should hear of his coming at that
- time with them; that he had not ordered him to attend with them at
- Versailles, but told him that he would come to Paris by such a day, so
- that he was no way accessory to the disaster. I told him gravely I knew
- very well that all his Highness had said of that part was true; that
- these villains knew his profession, and knew, no doubt, that he always
- carried a casket of jewels about him, and that he always wore a diamond
- ring on his finger worth a hundred pistoles, which report had magnified
- to five hundred; and that, if he had been going to any other place, it
- would have been the same thing. After this his Highness rose up to go,
- and told me he had resolved, however, to make me some reparation; and
- with these words put a silk purse into my hand with a hundred pistoles,
- and told me he would make me a farther compliment of a small pension,
- which his gentleman would inform me of.
- You may be sure I behaved with a due sense of so much goodness, and
- offered to kneel to kiss his hand; but he took me up and saluted me, and
- sat down again (though before he made as if he was going away), making
- me sit down by him.
- He then began to talk with me more familiarly; told me he hoped I was
- not left in bad circumstances; that Mr. ---- was reputed to be very rich,
- and that he had gained lately great sums by some jewels, and he hoped,
- he said, that I had still a fortune agreeable to the condition I had
- lived in before.
- I replied, with some tears, which, I confess, were a little forced, that
- I believed, if Mr. ---- had lived, we should have been out of danger of
- want, but that it was impossible to estimate the loss which I had
- sustained, besides that of the life of my husband; that, by the opinion
- of those that knew something of his affairs, and of what value the
- jewels were which he intended to have shown to his Highness, he could
- not have less about him than the value of a hundred thousand livres;
- that it was a fatal blow to me, and to his whole family, especially that
- they should be lost in such a manner.
- His Highness returned, with an air of concern, that he was very sorry
- for it; but he hoped, if I settled in Paris, I might find ways to
- restore my fortune; at the same time he complimented me upon my being
- very handsome, as he was pleased to call it, and that I could not fail
- of admirers. I stood up and humbly thanked his Highness, but told him I
- had no expectations of that kind; that I thought I should be obliged to
- go over to England, to look after my husband's effects there, which, I
- was told, were considerable, but that I did not know what justice a poor
- stranger would get among them; and as for Paris, my fortune being so
- impaired, I saw nothing before me but to go back to Poictou to my
- friends, where some of my relations, I hoped, might do something for me,
- and added that one of my brothers was an abbot at ----, near Poictiers.
- He stood up, and taking me by the hand, led me to a large looking-glass,
- which made up the pier in the front of the parlour. "Look there, madam,"
- said he; "is it fit that that face" (pointing to my figure in the glass)
- "should go back to Poictou? No, madam," says he; "stay and make some
- gentleman of quality happy, that may, in return, make you forget all
- your sorrows;" and with that he took me in his arms, and kissing me
- twice, told me he would see me again, but with less ceremony.
- Some little time after this, but the same day, his gentleman came to me
- again, and with great ceremony and respect, delivered me a black box
- tied with a scarlet riband and sealed with a noble coat-of-arms, which,
- I suppose, was the prince's.
- There was in it a grant from his Highness, or an assignment--I know not
- which to call it--with a warrant to his banker to pay me two thousand
- livres a year during my stay in Paris, as the widow of Monsieur ----,
- the jeweller, mentioning the horrid murder of my late husband as the
- occasion of it, as above.
- I received it with great submission, and expressions of being infinitely
- obliged to his master, and of my showing myself on all occasions his
- Highness's most obedient servant; and after giving my most humble duty
- to his Highness, with the utmost acknowledgments of the obligation, &c.,
- I went to a little cabinet, and taking out some money, which made a
- little sound in taking it out, offered to give him five pistoles.
- He drew back, but with the greatest respect, and told me he humbly
- thanked me, but that he durst not take a farthing; that his Highness
- would take it so ill of him, he was sure he would never see his face
- more; but that he would not fail to acquaint his Highness what respect I
- had offered; and added, "I assure you, madam, you are more in the good
- graces of my master, the Prince of ----, than you are aware of; and I
- believe you will hear more of him."
- Now I began to understand him, and resolved, if his Highness did come
- again, he should see me under no disadvantages, if I could help it. I
- told him, if his Highness did me the honour to see me again, I hoped he
- would not let me be so surprised as I was before; that I would be glad
- to have some little notice of it, and would be obliged to him if he
- would procure it me. He told me he was very sure that when his Highness
- intended to visit me he should be sent before to give me notice of it,
- and that he would give me as much warning of it as possible.
- He came several times after this on the same errand, that is, about the
- settlement, the grant requiring several things yet to be done for making
- it payable without going every time to the prince again for a fresh
- warrant. The particulars of this part I did not understand; but as soon
- as it was finished, which was above two months, the gentleman came one
- afternoon, and said his Highness designed to visit me in the evening,
- but desired to be admitted without ceremony.
- I prepared not my rooms only, but myself; and when he came in there was
- nobody appeared in the house but his gentleman and my maid Amy; and of
- her I bid the gentleman acquaint his Highness that she was an
- Englishwoman, that she did not understand a word of French, and that she
- was one also that might be trusted.
- When he came into my room, I fell down at his feet before he could come
- to salute me, and with words that I had prepared, full of duty and
- respect, thanked him for his bounty and goodness to a poor, desolate
- woman, oppressed under the weight of so terrible a disaster; and refused
- to rise till he would allow me the honour to kiss his hand.
- "_Levez vous donc_," says the prince, taking me in his arms; "I design
- more favours for you than this trifle;" and going on, he added, "You
- shall for the future find a friend where you did not look for it, and I
- resolve to let you see how kind I can be to one who is to me the most
- agreeable creature on earth."
- I was dressed in a kind of half mourning, had turned off my weeds, and
- my head, though I had yet no ribands or lace, was so dressed as failed
- not to set me out with advantage enough, for I began to understand his
- meaning; and the prince professed I was the most beautiful creature on
- earth. "And where have I lived," says he, "and how ill have I been
- served, that I should never till now be showed the finest woman in
- France!"
- This was the way in all the world the most likely to break in upon my
- virtue, if I had been mistress of any; for I was now become the vainest
- creature upon earth, and particularly of my beauty, which as other
- people admired, so I became every day more foolishly in love with myself
- than before.
- He said some very kind things to me after this, and sat down with me for
- an hour or more, when, getting up and calling his gentleman by his name,
- he threw open the door: "_Au boire_," says he; upon which his gentleman
- immediately brought up a little table covered with a fine damask cloth,
- the table no bigger than he could bring in his two hands, but upon it
- was set two decanters, one of champagne and the other of water, six
- silver plates, and a service of fine sweetmeats in fine china dishes, on
- a set of rings standing up about twenty inches high, one above another.
- Below was three roasted partridges and a quail. As soon as his gentleman
- had set it all down, he ordered him to withdraw. "Now," says the prince,
- "I intend to sup with you."
- When he sent away his gentleman, I stood up and offered to wait on his
- Highness while he ate; but he positively refused, and told me, "No;
- to-morrow you shall be the widow of Monsieur ----, the jeweller, but
- to-night you shall be my mistress; therefore sit here," says he, "and
- eat with me, or I will get up and serve."
- I would then have called up my woman Amy, but I thought that would not
- be proper neither; so I made my excuse, that since his Highness would
- not let his own servant wait, I would not presume to let my woman come
- up; but if he would please to let me wait, it would be my honour to fill
- his Highness's wine. But, as before, he would by no means allow me;
- so we sat and ate together.
- [Illustration: THE VISIT OF THE PRINCE
- _And refused to rise till he would allow me the honour to kiss his
- hand_]
- "Now, madam," says the prince, "give me leave to lay aside my character;
- let us talk together with the freedom of equals. My quality sets me at a
- distance from you, and makes you ceremonious. Your beauty exalts you to
- more than an equality. I must, then, treat you as lovers do their
- mistresses, but I cannot speak the language; it is enough to tell you
- how agreeable you are to me, how I am surprised at your beauty, and
- resolve to make you happy, and to be happy with you."
- I knew not what to say to him a good while, but blushed, and looking up
- towards him, said I was already made happy in the favour of a person of
- such rank, and had nothing to ask of his Highness but that he would
- believe me infinitely obliged.
- After he had eaten, he poured the sweetmeats into my lap; and the wine
- being out, he called his gentleman again to take away the table, who, at
- first, only took the cloth and the remains of what was to eat away; and,
- laying another cloth, set the table on one side of the room with a noble
- service of plate upon it, worth at least two hundred pistoles. Then,
- having set the two decanters again upon the table, filled as before, he
- withdrew; for I found the fellow understood his business very well, and
- his lord's business too.
- About half-an-hour after, the prince told me that I offered to wait a
- little before, that if I would now take the trouble he would give me
- leave to give him some wine; so I went to the table, filled a glass of
- wine, and brought it to him on a fine salver, which the glasses stood
- on, and brought the bottle or decanter for water in my other hand, to
- mix as he thought fit.
- He smiled, and bid me look on that salver, which I did, and admired it
- much, for it was a very fine one indeed. "You may see," says he, "I
- resolve to have more of your company, for my servant shall leave you
- that plate for my use." I told him I believed his Highness would not
- take it ill that I was not furnished fit to entertain a person of his
- rank, and that I would take great care of it, and value myself
- infinitely upon the honour of his Highness's visit.
- It now began to grow late, and he began to take notice of it. "But,"
- says he, "I cannot leave you; have you not a spare lodging for one
- night?" I told him I had but a homely lodging to entertain such a guest.
- He said something exceeding kind on that head, but not fit to repeat,
- adding that my company would make him amends.
- About midnight he sent his gentleman of an errand, after telling him
- aloud that he intended to stay here all night. In a little time his
- gentleman brought him a nightgown, slippers, two caps, a neckcloth, and
- shirt, which he gave me to carry into his chamber, and sent his man
- home; and then, turning to me, said I should do him the honour to be his
- chamberlain of the household, and his dresser also. I smiled, and told
- him I would do myself the honour to wait on him upon all occasions.
- About one in the morning, while his gentleman was yet with him, I begged
- leave to withdraw, supposing he would go to bed; but he took the hint,
- and said, "I'm not going to bed yet; pray let me see you again."
- I took this time to undress me, and to come in a new dress, which was,
- in a manner, _une dishabille_, but so fine, and all about me so clean
- and so agreeable, that he seemed surprised. "I thought," says he, "you
- could not have dressed to more advantage than you had done before; but
- now," says he, "you charm me a thousand times more, if that be
- possible."
- "It is only a loose habit, my lord," said I, "that I may the better wait
- on your Highness." He pulls me to him. "You are perfectly obliging,"
- says he; and, sitting on the bedside, says he, "Now you shall be a
- princess, and know what it is to oblige the gratefullest man alive;" and
- with that he took me in his arms.... I can go no farther in the
- particulars of what passed at that time, but it ended in this, that, in
- short, I lay with him all night.
- I have given you the whole detail of this story to lay it down as a
- black scheme of the way how unhappy women are ruined by great men; for,
- though poverty and want is an irresistible temptation to the poor,
- vanity and great things are as irresistible to others. To be courted by
- a prince, and by a prince who was first a benefactor, then an admirer;
- to be called handsome, the finest woman in France, and to be treated as
- a woman fit for the bed of a prince--these are things a woman must have
- no vanity in her, nay, no corruption in her, that is not overcome by it;
- and my case was such that, as before, I had enough of both.
- I had now no poverty attending me; on the contrary, I was mistress of
- ten thousand pounds before the prince did anything for me. Had I been
- mistress of my resolution, had I been less obliging, and rejected the
- first attack, all had been safe; but my virtue was lost before, and the
- devil, who had found the way to break in upon me by one temptation,
- easily mastered me now by another; and I gave myself up to a person who,
- though a man of high dignity, was yet the most tempting and obliging
- that ever I met with in my life.
- I had the same particular to insist upon here with the prince that I had
- with my gentleman before. I hesitated much at consenting at first
- asking, but the prince told me princes did not court like other men;
- that they brought more powerful arguments; and he very prettily added
- that they were sooner repulsed than other men, and ought to be sooner
- complied with; intimating, though very genteely, that after a woman had
- positively refused him once, he could not, like other men, wait with
- importunities and stratagems, and laying long sieges; but as such men as
- he stormed warmly, so, if repulsed, they made no second attacks; and,
- indeed, it was but reasonable; for as it was below their rank to be long
- battering a woman's constancy, so they ran greater hazards in being
- exposed in their amours than other men did.
- I took this for a satisfactory answer, and told his Highness that I had
- the same thoughts in respect to the manner of his attacks; for that his
- person and his arguments were irresistible; that a person of his rank
- and a munificence so unbounded could not be withstood; that no virtue
- was proof against him, except such as was able, too, to suffer
- martyrdom; that I thought it impossible I could be overcome, but that
- now I found it was impossible I should not be overcome; that so much
- goodness, joined with so much greatness, would have conquered a saint;
- and that I confessed he had the victory over me, by a merit infinitely
- superior to the conquest he had made.
- He made me a most obliging answer; told me abundance of fine things,
- which still flattered my vanity, till at last I began to have pride
- enough to believe him, and fancied myself a fit mistress for a prince.
- As I had thus given the prince the last favour, and he had all the
- freedom with me that it was possible for me to grant, so he gave me
- leave to use as much freedom with him another way, and that was to have
- everything of him I thought fit to command; and yet I did not ask of him
- with an air of avarice, as if I was greedily making a penny of him, but
- I managed him with such art that he generally anticipated my demands. He
- only requested of me that I would not think of taking another house, as
- I had intimated to his Highness that I intended, not thinking it good
- enough to receive his visits in; but he said my house was the most
- convenient that could possibly be found in all Paris for an amour,
- especially for him, having a way out into three streets, and not
- overlooked by any neighbours, so that he could pass and repass without
- observation; for one of the back-ways opened into a narrow dark alley,
- which alley was a thoroughfare or passage out of one street into
- another; and any person that went in or out by the door had no more to
- do but to see that there was nobody following him in the alley before he
- went in at the door. This request, I knew, was reasonable, and therefore
- I assured him I would not change my dwelling, seeing his Highness did
- not think it too mean for me to receive him in.
- He also desired me that I would not take any more servants or set up any
- equipage, at least for the present; for that it would then be
- immediately concluded I had been left very rich, and then I should be
- thronged with the impertinence of admirers, who would be attracted by
- the money, as well as by the beauty of a young widow, and he should be
- frequently interrupted in his visits; or that the world would conclude I
- was maintained by somebody, and would be indefatigable to find out the
- person; so that he should have spies peeping at him every time he went
- out or in, which it would be impossible to disappoint; and that he
- should presently have it talked over all the toilets in Paris that the
- Prince de ---- had got the jeweller's widow for a mistress.
- This was too just to oppose, and I made no scruple to tell his Highness
- that, since he had stooped so low as to make me his own, he ought to
- have all the satisfaction in the world that I was all his own; that I
- would take all the measures he should please to direct me to avoid the
- impertinent attacks of others; and that, if he thought fit, I would be
- wholly within doors, and have it given out that I was obliged to go to
- England to solicit my affairs there, after my husband's misfortune, and
- that I was not expected there again for at least a year or two. This he
- liked very well; only he said that he would by no means have me
- confined; that it would injure my health, and that I should then take a
- country-house in some village, a good way off of the city, where it
- should not be known who I was, and that he should be there sometimes to
- divert me.
- I made no scruple of the confinement, and told his Highness no place
- could be a confinement where I had such a visitor, and so I put off the
- country-house, which would have been to remove myself farther from him
- and have less of his company; so I made the house be, as it were, shut
- up. Amy, indeed, appeared, and when any of the neighbours and servants
- inquired, she answered, in broken French, that I was gone to England to
- look after my affairs, which presently went current through the streets
- about us. For you are to note that the people of Paris, especially the
- women, are the most busy and impertinent inquirers into the conduct of
- their neighbours, especially that of a single woman, that are in the
- world, though there are no greater intriguers in the universe than
- themselves; and perhaps that may be the reason of it, for it is an old
- but a sure rule, that
- "When deep intrigues are close and shy,
- The guilty are the first that spy."
- Thus his Highness had the most easy, and yet the most undiscoverable,
- access to me imaginable, and he seldom failed to come two or three
- nights in a week, and sometimes stayed two or three nights together.
- Once he told me he was resolved I should be weary of his company, and
- that he would learn to know what it was to be a prisoner; so he gave out
- among his servants that he was gone to ----, where he often went
- a-hunting, and that he should not return under a fortnight; and that
- fortnight he stayed wholly with me, and never went out of my doors.
- Never woman in such a station lived a fortnight in so complete a fulness
- of human delight; for to have the entire possession of one of the most
- accomplished princes in the world, and of the politest, best-bred man;
- to converse with him all day, and, as he professed, charm him all night,
- what could be more inexpressibly pleasing, and especially to a woman of
- a vast deal of pride, as I was?
- To finish the felicity of this part, I must not forget that the devil
- had played a new game with me, and prevailed with me to satisfy myself
- with this amour, as a lawful thing; that a prince of such grandeur and
- majesty, so infinitely superior to me, and one who had made such an
- introduction by an unparalleled bounty, I could not resist; and,
- therefore, that it was very lawful for me to do it, being at that time
- perfectly single, and unengaged to any other man, as I was, most
- certainly, by the unaccountable absence of my first husband, and the
- murder of my gentleman who went for my second.
- It cannot be doubted but that I was the easier to persuade myself of the
- truth of such a doctrine as this when it was so much for my ease and for
- the repose of my mind to have it be so:--
- "In things we wish, 'tis easy to deceive;
- What we would have, we willingly believe."
- Besides, I had no casuists to resolve this doubt; the same devil that
- put this into my head bade me go to any of the Romish clergy, and, under
- the pretence of confession, state the case exactly, and I should see
- they would either resolve it to be no sin at all or absolve me upon the
- easiest penance. This I had a strong inclination to try, but I know not
- what scruple put me off of it, for I could never bring myself to like
- having to do with those priests. And though it was strange that I, who
- had thus prostituted my chastity and given up all sense of virtue in two
- such particular cases, living a life of open adultery, should scruple
- anything, yet so it was. I argued with myself that I could not be a
- cheat in anything that was esteemed sacred; that I could not be of one
- opinion, and then pretend myself to be of another; nor could I go to
- confession, who knew nothing of the manner of it, and should betray
- myself to the priest to be a Huguenot, and then might come into
- trouble; but, in short, though I was a whore, yet I was a Protestant
- whore, and could not act as if I was popish, upon any account
- whatsoever.
- But, I say, I satisfied myself with the surprising occasion, that as it
- was all irresistible, so it was all lawful; for that Heaven would not
- suffer us to be punished for that which it was not possible for us to
- avoid; and with these absurdities I kept conscience from giving me any
- considerable disturbance in all this matter; and I was as perfectly easy
- as to the lawfulness of it as if I had been married to the prince and
- had had no other husband; so possible is it for us to roll ourselves up
- in wickedness, till we grow invulnerable by conscience; and that
- sentinel, once dozed, sleeps fast, not to be awakened while the tide of
- pleasure continues to flow, or till something dark and dreadful brings
- us to ourselves again.
- I have, I confess, wondered at the stupidity that my intellectual part
- was under all that while; what lethargic fumes dozed the soul; and how
- was it possible that I, who in the case before, where the temptation was
- many ways more forcible and the arguments stronger and more
- irresistible, was yet under a continued inquietude on account of the
- wicked life I led, could now live in the most profound tranquillity and
- with an uninterrupted peace, nay, even rising up to satisfaction and
- joy, and yet in a more palpable state of adultery than before; for
- before, my gentleman, who called me wife, had the pretence of his wife
- being parted from him, refusing to do the duty of her office as a wife
- to him. As for me, my circumstances were the same; but as for the
- prince, as he had a fine and extraordinary lady, or princess, of his
- own, so he had had two or three mistresses more besides me, and made no
- scruple of it at all.
- However, I say, as to my own part, I enjoyed myself in perfect
- tranquillity; and as the prince was the only deity I worshipped, so I
- was really his idol; and however it was with his princess, I assure you
- his other mistresses found a sensible difference, and though they could
- never find me out, yet I had good intelligence that they guessed very
- well that their lord had got some new favourite that robbed them of his
- company, and, perhaps, of some of his usual bounty too. And now I must
- mention the sacrifices he made to his idol, and they were not a few, I
- assure you.
- As he loved like a prince, so he rewarded like a prince; for though he
- declined my making a figure, as above, he let me see that he was above
- doing it for the saving the expense of it, and so he told me, and that
- he would make it up in other things. First of all, he sent me a toilet,
- with all the appurtenances of silver, even so much as the frame of the
- table; and then for the house, he gave me the table, or sideboard of
- plate, I mentioned above, with all things belonging to it of massy
- silver; so that, in short, I could not for my life study to ask him for
- anything of plate which I had not.
- He could, then, accommodate me in nothing more but jewels and clothes,
- or money for clothes. He sent his gentleman to the mercer's, and bought
- me a suit, or whole piece, of the finest brocaded silk, figured with
- gold, and another with silver, and another of crimson; so that I had
- three suits of clothes, such as the Queen of France would not have
- disdained to have worn at that time. Yet I went out nowhere; but as
- those were for me to put on when I went out of mourning, I dressed
- myself in them, one after another, always when his Highness came to see
- me.
- I had no less than five several morning dresses besides these, so that I
- need never be seen twice in the same dress; to these he added several
- parcels of fine linen and of lace, so much that I had no room to ask for
- more, or, indeed, for so much.
- I took the liberty once, in our freedoms, to tell him he was too
- bountiful, and that I was too chargeable to him for a mistress, and that
- I would be his faithful servant at less expense to him; and that he not
- only left me no room to ask him for anything, but that he supplied me
- with such a profusion of good things that I could scarce wear them, or
- use them, unless I kept a great equipage, which, he knew, was no way
- convenient for him or for me. He smiled, and took me in his arms, and
- told me he was resolved, while I was his, I should never be able to ask
- him for anything, but that he would be daily asking new favours of me.
- After we were up (for this conference was in bed), he desired I would
- dress me in the best suit of clothes I had. It was a day or two after
- the three suits were made and brought home. I told him, if he pleased, I
- would rather dress me in that suit which I knew he liked best. He asked
- me how I could know which he would like best before he had seen them. I
- told him I would presume for once to guess at his fancy by my own; so I
- went away and dressed me in the second suit, brocaded with silver, and
- returned in full dress, with a suit of lace upon my head, which would
- have been worth in England two hundred pounds sterling; and I was every
- way set out as well as Amy could dress me, who was a very genteel
- dresser too. In this figure I came to him, out of my dressing-room,
- which opened with folding-doors into his bedchamber.
- He sat as one astonished a good while, looking at me, without speaking a
- word, till I came quite up to him, kneeled on one knee to him, and
- almost, whether he would or no, kissed his hand. He took me up, and
- stood up himself, but was surprised when, taking me in his arms, he
- perceived tears to run down my cheeks. "My dear," says he aloud, "what
- mean these tears?" "My lord," said I, after some little check, for I
- could not speak presently, "I beseech you to believe me, they are not
- tears of sorrow, but tears of joy. It is impossible for me to see myself
- snatched from the misery I was fallen into, and at once to be in the
- arms of a prince of such goodness, such immense bounty, and be treated
- in such a manner; it is not possible, my lord," said I, "to contain the
- satisfaction of it; and it will break out in an excess in some measure
- proportioned to your immense bounty, and to the affection which your
- Highness treats me with, who am so infinitely below you."
- It would look a little too much like a romance here to repeat all the
- kind things he said to me on that occasion, but I can't omit one
- passage. As he saw the tears drop down my cheek, he pulls out a fine
- cambric handkerchief, and was going to wipe the tears off, but checked
- his hand, as if he was afraid to deface something; I say, he checked his
- hand, and tossed the handkerchief to me to do it myself. I took the hint
- immediately, and with a kind of pleasant disdain, "How, my lord," said
- I, "have you kissed me so often, and don't you know whether I am painted
- or not? Pray let your Highness satisfy yourself that you have no cheats
- put upon you; for once let me be vain enough to say I have not deceived
- you with false colours." With this I put a handkerchief into his hand,
- and taking his hand into mine, I made him wipe my face so hard that he
- was unwilling to do it, for fear of hurting me.
- He appeared surprised more than ever, and swore, which was the first
- time that I had heard him swear from my first knowing him, that he could
- not have believed there was any such skin without paint in the world.
- "Well, my lord," said I, "your Highness shall have a further
- demonstration than this, as to that which you are pleased to accept for
- beauty, that it is the mere work of nature;" and with that I stepped to
- the door and rung a little bell for my woman Amy, and bade her bring me
- a cup full of hot water, which she did; and when it was come, I desired
- his Highness to feel if it was warm, which he did, and I immediately
- washed my face all over with it before him. This was, indeed, more than
- satisfaction, that is to say, than believing, for it was an undeniable
- demonstration, and he kissed my cheeks and breasts a thousand times,
- with expressions of the greatest surprise imaginable.
- Nor was I a very indifferent figure as to shape; though I had had two
- children by my gentleman, and six by my true husband, I say I was no
- despisable shape; and my prince (I must be allowed the vanity to call
- him so) was taking his view of me as I walked from one end of the room
- to the other. At last he leads me to the darkest part of the room, and
- standing behind me, bade me hold up my head, when, putting both his
- hands round my neck, as if he was spanning my neck to see how small it
- was, for it was long and small, he held my neck so long and so hard in
- his hand that I complained he hurt me a little. What he did it for I
- knew not, nor had I the least suspicion but that he was spanning my
- neck; but when I said he hurt me, he seemed to let go, and in half a
- minute more led me to a pier-glass, and behold I saw my neck clasped
- with a fine necklace of diamonds; whereas I felt no more what he was
- doing than if he had really done nothing at all, nor did I suspect it in
- the least. If I had an ounce of blood in me that did not fly up into my
- face, neck, and breasts, it must be from some interruption in the
- vessels. I was all on fire with the sight, and began to wonder what it
- was that was coming to me.
- However, to let him see that I was not unqualified to receive benefits,
- I turned about: "My lord," says I, "your Highness is resolved to
- conquer, by your bounty, the very gratitude of your servants; you will
- leave no room for anything but thanks, and make those thanks useless
- too, by their bearing no proportion to the occasion."
- "I love, child," says he, "to see everything suitable. A fine gown and
- petticoat, a fine laced head, a fine face and neck, and no necklace,
- would not have made the object perfect. But why that blush, my dear?"
- says the prince. "My lord," said I, "all your gifts call for blushes,
- but, above all, I blush to receive what I am so ill able to merit, and
- may become so ill also."
- Thus far I am a standing mark of the weakness of great men in their
- vice, that value not squandering away immense wealth upon the most
- worthless creatures; or, to sum it up in a word, they raise the value of
- the object which they pretend to pitch upon by their fancy; I say, raise
- the value of it at their own expense; give vast presents for a ruinous
- favour, which is so far from being equal to the price that nothing will
- at last prove more absurd than the cost men are at to purchase their own
- destruction.
- I could not, in the height of all this fine doings--I say, I could not
- be without some just reflection, though conscience was, as I said, dumb,
- as to any disturbance it gave me in my wickedness. My vanity was fed up
- to such a height that I had no room to give way to such reflections. But
- I could not but sometimes look back with astonishment at the folly of
- men of quality, who, immense in their bounty as in their wealth, give to
- a profusion and without bounds to the most scandalous of our sex, for
- granting them the liberty of abusing themselves and ruining both.
- I, that knew what this carcase of mine had been but a few years before;
- how overwhelmed with grief, drowned in tears, frightened with the
- prospect of beggary, and surrounded with rags and fatherless children;
- that was pawning and selling the rags that covered me for a dinner, and
- sat on the ground despairing of help and expecting to be starved, till
- my children were snatched from me to be kept by the parish; I, that was
- after this a whore for bread, and, abandoning conscience and virtue,
- lived with another woman's husband; I, that was despised by all my
- relations, and my husband's too; I, that was left so entirely desolate,
- friendless, and helpless that I knew not how to get the least help to
- keep me from starving,--that I should be caressed by a prince, for the
- honour of having the scandalous use of my prostituted body, common
- before to his inferiors, and perhaps would not have denied one of his
- footmen but a little while before, if I could have got my bread by it.
- I say, I could not but reflect upon the brutality and blindness of
- mankind; that because nature had given me a good skin and some agreeable
- features, should suffer that beauty to be such a bait to appetite as to
- do such sordid, unaccountable things to obtain the possession of it.
- It is for this reason that I have so largely set down the particulars of
- the caresses I was treated with by the jeweller, and also by this
- prince; not to make the story an incentive to the vice, which I am now
- such a sorrowful penitent for being guilty of (God forbid any should
- make so vile a use of so good a design), but to draw the just picture of
- a man enslaved to the rage of his vicious appetite; how he defaces the
- image of God in his soul, dethrones his reason, causes conscience to
- abdicate the possession, and exalts sense into the vacant throne; how he
- deposes the man and exalts the brute.
- Oh! could we hear the reproaches this great man afterwards loaded
- himself with when he grew weary of this admired creature, and became
- sick of his vice, how profitable would the report of them be to the
- reader of this story! But had he himself also known the dirty history of
- my actings upon the stage of life that little time I had been in the
- world, how much more severe would those reproaches have been upon
- himself! But I shall come to this again.
- I lived in this gay sort of retirement almost three years, in which time
- no amour of such a kind, sure, was ever carried up so high. The prince
- knew no bounds to his munificence; he could give me nothing, either for
- my wearing, or using, or eating, or drinking, more than he had done from
- the beginning.
- His presents were after that in gold, and very frequent and large,
- often a hundred pistoles, never less than fifty at a time; and I must do
- myself the justice that I seemed rather backward to receive than craving
- and encroaching. Not that I had not an avaricious temper, nor was it
- that I did not foresee that this was my harvest, in which I was to
- gather up, and that it would not last long; but it was that really his
- bounty always anticipated my expectations, and even my wishes; and he
- gave me money so fast that he rather poured it in upon me than left me
- room to ask it; so that, before I could spend fifty pistoles, I had
- always a hundred to make it up.
- After I had been near a year and a half in his arms as above, or
- thereabouts, I proved with child. I did not take any notice of it to him
- till I was satisfied that I was not deceived; when one morning early,
- when we were in bed together, I said to him, "My lord, I doubt your
- Highness never gives yourself leave to think what the case should be if
- I should have the honour to be with child by you." "Why, my dear," says
- he, "we are able to keep it if such a thing should happen; I hope you
- are not concerned about that." "No, my lord," said I; "I should think
- myself very happy if I could bring your Highness a son; I should hope to
- see him a lieutenant-general of the king's armies by the interest of his
- father, and by his own merit." "Assure yourself, child," says he, "if
- it should be so, I will not refuse owning him for my son, though it be,
- as they call it, a natural son; and shall never slight or neglect him,
- for the sake of his mother." Then he began to importune me to know if it
- was so, but I positively denied it so long, till at last I was able to
- give him the satisfaction of knowing it himself by the motion of the
- child within me.
- He professed himself overjoyed at the discovery, but told me that now it
- was absolutely necessary for me to quit the confinement which, he said,
- I had suffered for his sake, and to take a house somewhere in the
- country, in order for health as well as for privacy, against my
- lying-in. This was quite out of my way; but the prince, who was a man of
- pleasure, had, it seems, several retreats of this kind, which he had
- made use of, I suppose, upon like occasions. And so, leaving it, as it
- were, to his gentleman, he provided a very convenient house, about four
- miles south of Paris, at the village of ----, where I had very agreeable
- lodgings, good gardens, and all things very easy to my content. But one
- thing did not please me at all, viz., that an old woman was provided,
- and put into the house to furnish everything necessary to my lying-in,
- and to assist at my travail.
- I did not like this old woman at all; she looked so like a spy upon me,
- or (as sometimes I was frighted to imagine) like one set privately to
- despatch me out of the world, as might best suit with the circumstance
- of my lying-in. And when his Highness came the next time to see me,
- which was not many days, I expostulated a little on the subject of the
- old woman; and by the management of my tongue, as well as by the
- strength of reasoning, I convinced him that it would not be at all
- convenient; that it would be the greater risk on his side; and at first
- or last it would certainly expose him and me also. I assured him that my
- servant, being an Englishwoman, never knew to that hour who his Highness
- was; that I always called him the Count de Clerac, and that she knew
- nothing else of him, nor ever should; that if he would give me leave to
- choose proper persons for my use, it should be so ordered that not one
- of them should know who he was, or perhaps ever see his face; and that,
- for the reality of the child that should be born, his Highness, who had
- alone been at the first of it, should, if he pleased, be present in the
- room all the time, so that he would need no witnesses on that account.
- This discourse fully satisfied him, so that he ordered his gentleman to
- dismiss the old woman the same day; and without any difficulty I sent my
- maid Amy to Calais, and thence to Dover, where she got an English
- midwife and an English nurse to come over on purpose to attend an
- English lady of quality, as they styled me, for four months certain.
- The midwife, Amy had agreed to pay a hundred guineas to, and bear her
- charges to Paris, and back again to Dover. The poor woman that was to be
- my nurse had twenty pounds, and the same terms for charges as the other.
- I was very easy when Amy returned, and the more because she brought with
- the midwife a good motherly sort of woman, who was to be her assistant,
- and would be very helpful on occasion; and bespoke a man midwife at
- Paris too, if there should be any necessity for his help. Having thus
- made provision for everything, the Count, for so we all called him in
- public, came as often to see me as I could expect, and continued
- exceeding kind, as he had always been. One day, conversing together upon
- the subject of my being with child, I told him how all things were in
- order, but that I had a strange apprehension that I should die with that
- child. He smiled. "So all the ladies say, my dear," says he, "when they
- are with child." "Well, however, my lord," said I, "it is but just that
- care should be taken that what you have bestowed in your excess of
- bounty upon me should not be lost;" and upon this I pulled a paper out
- of my bosom, folded up, but not sealed, and I read it to him, wherein I
- had left order that all the plate and jewels and fine furniture which
- his Highness had given me should be restored to him by my women, and the
- keys be immediately delivered to his gentleman in case of disaster.
- Then I recommended my woman, Amy, to his favour for a hundred pistoles,
- on condition she gave the keys up as above to his gentleman, and his
- gentleman's receipt for them. When he saw this, "My dear child," said
- he, and took me in his arms, "what! have you been making your will and
- disposing of your effects? Pray, who do you make your universal heir?"
- "So far as to do justice to your Highness, in case of mortality, I have,
- my lord," said I, "and who should I dispose the valuable things to,
- which I have had from your hand as pledges of your favour and
- testimonies of your bounty, but to the giver of them? If the child
- should live, your Highness will, I don't question, act like yourself in
- that part, and I shall have the utmost satisfaction that it will be well
- used by your direction."
- I could see he took this very well. "I have forsaken all the ladies in
- Paris," says he, "for you, and I have lived every day since I knew you
- to see that you know how to merit all that a man of honour can do for
- you. Be easy, child; I hope you shall not die, and all you have is your
- own, to do what with it you please."
- I was then within about two months of my time, and that soon wore off.
- When I found my time was come, it fell out very happily that he was in
- the house, and I entreated he would continue a few hours in the house,
- which he agreed to. They called his Highness to come into the room, if
- he pleased, as I had offered and as I desired him; and I sent word I
- would make as few cries as possible to prevent disturbing him. He came
- into the room once, and called to me to be of good courage, it would
- soon be over, and then he withdrew again; and in about half-an-hour more
- Amy carried him the news that I was delivered, and had brought him a
- charming boy. He gave her ten pistoles for her news, stayed till they
- had adjusted things about me, and then came into the room again, cheered
- me and spoke kindly to me, and looked on the child, then withdrew, and
- came again the next day to visit me.
- Since this, and when I have looked back upon these things with eyes
- unpossessed with crime, when the wicked part has appeared in its clearer
- light and I have seen it in its own natural colours, when no more
- blinded with the glittering appearances which at that time deluded me,
- and as in like cases, if I may guess at others by myself, too much
- possessed the mind; I say, since this I have often wondered with what
- pleasure or satisfaction the prince could look upon the poor innocent
- infant, which, though his own, and that he might that way have some
- attachment in his affections to it, yet must always afterwards be a
- remembrancer to him of his most early crime, and, which was worse, must
- bear upon itself, unmerited, an eternal mark of infamy, which should be
- spoken of, upon all occasions, to its reproach, from the folly of its
- father and wickedness of its mother.
- Great men are indeed delivered from the burthen of their natural
- children, or bastards, as to their maintenance. This is the main
- affliction in other cases, where there is not substance sufficient
- without breaking into the fortunes of the family. In those cases either
- a man's legitimate children suffer, which is very unnatural, or the
- unfortunate mother of that illegitimate birth has a dreadful affliction,
- either of being turned off with her child, and be left to starve, &c.,
- or of seeing the poor infant packed off with a piece of money to those
- she-butchers who take children off their hands, as 'tis called, that is
- to say, starve them, and, in a word, murder them.
- Great men, I say, are delivered from this burthen, because they are
- always furnished to supply the expense of their out-of-the-way
- offspring, by making little assignments upon the Bank of Lyons or the
- townhouse of Paris, and settling those sums, to be received for the
- maintenance of such expense as they see cause.
- Thus, in the case of this child of mine, while he and I conversed, there
- was no need to make any appointment as an appanage or maintenance for
- the child or its nurse, for he supplied me more than sufficiently for
- all those things; but afterwards, when time, and a particular
- circumstance, put an end to our conversing together (as such things
- always meet with a period, and generally break off abruptly), I say,
- after that, I found he appointed the children a settled allowance, by an
- assignment of annual rent upon the Bank of Lyons, which was sufficient
- for bringing them handsomely, though privately, up in the world, and
- that not in a manner unworthy of their father's blood, though I came to
- be sunk and forgotten in the case; nor did the children ever know
- anything of their mother to this day, other than as you may have an
- account hereafter.
- But to look back to the particular observation I was making, which I
- hope may be of use to those who read my story, I say it was something
- wonderful to me to see this person so exceedingly delighted at the birth
- of this child, and so pleased with it; for he would sit and look at it,
- and with an air of seriousness sometimes a great while together, and
- particularly, I observed, he loved to look at it when it was asleep.
- It was indeed a lovely, charming child, and had a certain vivacity in
- its countenance that is far from being common to all children so young;
- and he would often say to me that he believed there was something
- extraordinary in the child, and he did not doubt but he would come to be
- a great man.
- I could never hear him say so, but though secretly it pleased me, yet it
- so closely touched me another way that I could not refrain sighing, and
- sometimes tears; and one time in particular it so affected me that I
- could not conceal it from him; but when he saw tears run down my face,
- there was no concealing the occasion from him; he was too importunate to
- be denied in a thing of that moment; so I frankly answered, "It sensibly
- affects me, my lord," said I, "that, whatever the merit of this little
- creature may be, he must always have a bend on his arms. The disaster of
- his birth will be always, not a blot only to his honour, but a bar to
- his fortunes in the world. Our affection will be ever his affliction,
- and his mother's crime be the son's reproach. The blot can never be
- wiped out by the most glorious action; nay, if it lives to raise a
- family," said I, "the infamy must descend even to its innocent
- posterity."
- He took the thought, and sometimes told me afterwards that it made a
- deeper impression on him than he discovered to me at that time; but for
- the present he put it off with telling me these things could not be
- helped; that they served for a spur to the spirits of brave men,
- inspired them with the principles of gallantry, and prompted them to
- brave actions; that though it might be true that the mention of
- illegitimacy might attend the name, yet that personal virtue placed a
- man of honour above the reproach of his birth; that, as he had no share
- in the offence, he would have no concern at the blot; when, having by
- his own merit placed himself out of the reach of scandal, his fame
- should drown the memory of his beginning; that as it was usual for men
- of quality to make such little escapes, so the number of their natural
- children were so great, and they generally took such good care of their
- education, that some of the greatest men in the world had a bend in
- their coats-of-arms, and that it was of no consequence to them,
- especially when their fame began to rise upon the basis of their
- acquired merit; and upon this he began to reckon up to me some of the
- greatest families in France and in England also.
- This carried off our discourse for a time; but I went farther with him
- once, removing the discourse from the part attending our children to the
- reproach which those children would be apt to throw upon us, their
- originals; and when speaking a little too feelingly on the subject, he
- began to receive the impression a little deeper than I wished he had
- done. At last he told me I had almost acted the confessor to him; that I
- might, perhaps, preach a more dangerous doctrine to him than we should
- either of us like, or than I was aware of. "For, my dear," says he, "if
- once we come to talk of repentance we must talk of parting."
- If tears were in my eyes before, they flowed too fast now to be
- restrained, and I gave him but too much satisfaction by my looks that I
- had yet no reflections upon my mind strong enough to go that length, and
- that I could no more think of parting than he could.
- He said a great many kind things, which were great, like himself, and,
- extenuating our crime, intimated to me that he could no more part with
- me than I could with him; so we both, as I may say, even against our
- light and against our conviction, concluded to sin on; indeed, his
- affection to the child was one great tie to him, for he was extremely
- fond of it.
- The child lived to be a considerable man. He was first an officer of the
- _Garde du Corps_ of France, and afterwards colonel of a regiment of
- dragoons in Italy, and on many extraordinary occasions showed that he
- was not unworthy such a father, but many ways deserving a legitimate
- birth and a better mother; of which hereafter.
- I think I may say now that I lived indeed like a queen; or, if you will
- have me confess that my condition had still the reproach of a whore, I
- may say I was, sure, the queen of whores; for no woman was ever more
- valued or more caressed by a person of such quality only in the station
- of a mistress. I had, indeed, one deficiency which women in such
- circumstances seldom are chargeable with, namely, I craved nothing of
- him, I never asked him for anything in my life, nor suffered myself to
- be made use of, as is too much the custom of mistresses, to ask favours
- for others. His bounty always prevented me in the first, and my strict
- concealing myself in the last, which was no less to my convenience than
- his.
- The only favour I ever asked of him was for his gentleman, who he had
- all along entrusted with the secret of our affair, and who had once so
- much offended him by some omissions in his duty that he found it very
- hard to make his peace. He came and laid his case before my woman Amy,
- and begged her to speak to me to intercede for him, which I did, and on
- my account he was received again and pardoned, for which the grateful
- dog requited me by getting to bed to his benefactress, Amy, at which I
- was very angry. But Amy generously acknowledged that it was her fault as
- much as his; that she loved the fellow so much that she believed if he
- had not asked her she should have asked him. I say, this pacified me,
- and I only obtained of her that she should not let him know that I knew
- it.
- I might have interspersed this part of my story with a great many
- pleasant parts and discourses which happened between my maid Amy and I,
- but I omit them on account of my own story, which has been so
- extraordinary. However, I must mention something as to Amy and her
- gentleman.
- I inquired of Amy upon what terms they came to be so intimate, but Amy
- seemed backward to explain herself. I did not care to press her upon a
- question of that nature, knowing that she might have answered my
- question with a question, and have said, "Why, how did I and the prince
- come to be so intimate?" So I left off farther inquiring into it, till,
- after some time, she told it me all freely of her own accord, which, to
- cut it short, amounted to no more than this, that, like mistress like
- maid, as they had many leisure hours together below, while they waited
- respectively when his lord and I were together above; I say, they could
- hardly avoid the usual question one to another, namely, why might not
- they do the same thing below that we did above?
- On that account, indeed, as I said above, I could not find in my heart
- to be angry with Amy. I was, indeed, afraid the girl would have been
- with child too, but that did not happen, and so there was no hurt done;
- for Amy had been hanselled before, as well as her mistress, and by the
- same party too, as you have heard.
- After I was up again, and my child provided with a good nurse, and,
- withal, winter coming on, it was proper to think of coming to Paris
- again, which I did; but as I had now a coach and horses, and some
- servants to attend me, by my lord's allowance, I took the liberty to
- have them come to Paris sometimes, and so to take a tour into the garden
- of the Tuileries and the other pleasant places of the city. It happened
- one day that my prince (if I may call him so) had a mind to give me some
- diversion, and to take the air with me; but, that he might do it and not
- be publicly known, he comes to me in a coach of the Count de ----, a
- great officer of the court, attended by his liveries also; so that, in a
- word, it was impossible to guess by the equipage who I was or who I
- belonged to; also, that I might be the more effectually concealed, he
- ordered me to be taken up at a mantua-maker's house, where he sometimes
- came, whether upon other amours or not was no business of mine to
- inquire. I knew nothing whither he intended to carry me; but when he was
- in the coach with me, he told me he had ordered his servants to go to
- court with me, and he would show me some of the _beau monde_. I told him
- I cared not where I went while I had the honour to have him with me. So
- he carried me to the fine palace of Meudon, where the Dauphin then was,
- and where he had some particular intimacy with one of the Dauphin's
- domestics, who procured a retreat for me in his lodgings while we
- stayed there, which was three or four days.
- While I was there the king happened to come thither from Versailles, and
- making but a short stay, visited Madame the Dauphiness, who was then
- living. The prince was here incognito, only because of his being with
- me, and therefore, when he heard that the king was in the gardens, he
- kept close within the lodgings; but the gentleman in whose lodgings we
- were, with his lady and several others, went out to see the king, and I
- had the honour to be asked to go with them.
- After we had seen the king, who did not stay long in the gardens, we
- walked up the broad terrace, and crossing the hall towards the great
- staircase, I had a sight which confounded me at once, as I doubt not it
- would have done to any woman in the world. The horse guards, or what
- they call there the _gens d'armes_, had, upon some occasion, been either
- upon duty or been reviewed, or something (I did not understand that
- part) was the matter that occasioned their being there, I know not what;
- but, walking in the guard-chamber, and with his jack-boots on, and the
- whole habit of the troop, as it is worn when our horse guards are upon
- duty, as they call it, at St. James's Park; I say, there, to my
- inexpressible confusion, I saw Mr. ----, my first husband, the brewer.
- I could not be deceived; I passed so near him that I almost brushed him
- with my clothes, and looked him full in the face, but having my fan
- before my face, so that he could not know me. However, I knew him
- perfectly well, and I heard him speak, which was a second way of knowing
- him. Besides being, you may be sure, astonished and surprised at such a
- sight, I turned about after I had passed him some steps, and pretending
- to ask the lady that was with me some questions, I stood as if I had
- viewed the great hall, the outer guard-chamber, and some things; but I
- did it to take a full view of his dress, that I might farther inform
- myself.
- While I stood thus amusing the lady that was with me with questions, he
- walked, talking with another man of the same cloth, back again, just by
- me; and to my particular satisfaction, or dissatisfaction--take it which
- way you will--I heard him speak English, the other being, it seems, an
- Englishman.
- I then asked the lady some other questions. "Pray, madam," says I, "what
- are these troopers here? Are they the king's guards?" "No," says she;
- "they are the _gens d'armes_; a small detachment of them, I suppose,
- attended the king to-day, but they are not his Majesty's ordinary
- guard." Another lady that was with her said, "No, madam, it seems that
- is not the case, for I heard them saying the _gens d'armes_ were here
- to-day by special order, some of them being to march towards the Rhine,
- and these attend for orders; but they go back to-morrow to Orleans,
- where they are expected."
- This satisfied me in part, but I found means after this to inquire whose
- particular troop it was that the gentlemen that were here belonged to;
- and with that I heard they would all be at Paris the week after.
- Two days after this we returned for Paris, when I took occasion to speak
- to my lord, that I heard the _gens d'armes_ were to be in the city the
- next week, and that I should be charmed with seeing them march if they
- came in a body. He was so obliging in such things that I need but just
- name a thing of that kind and it was done; so he ordered his gentleman
- (I should now call him Amy's gentleman) to get me a place in a certain
- house, where I might see them march.
- As he did not appear with me on this occasion, so I had the liberty of
- taking my woman Amy with me, and stood where we were very well
- accommodated for the observation which I was to make. I told Amy what I
- had seen, and she was as forward to make the discovery as I was to have
- her, and almost as much surprised at the thing itself. In a word, the
- _gens d'armes_ entered the city, as was expected, and made a most
- glorious show indeed, being new clothed and armed, and being to have
- their standards blessed by the Archbishop of Paris. On this occasion
- they indeed looked very gay; and as they marched very leisurely, I had
- time to take as critical a view and make as nice a search among them as
- I pleased. Here, in a particular rank, eminent for one monstrous-sized
- man on the right; here, I say, I saw my gentleman again, and a very
- handsome, jolly fellow he was, as any in the troop, though not so
- monstrous large as that great one I speak of, who, it seems, was,
- however, a gentleman of a good family in Gascony, and was called the
- giant of Gascony.
- It was a kind of a good fortune to us, among the other circumstances of
- it, that something caused the troops to halt in their march a little
- before that particular rank came right against that window which I stood
- in, so that then we had occasion to take our full view of him at a small
- distance, and so as not to doubt of his being the same person.
- Amy, who thought she might, on many accounts, venture with more safety
- to be particular than I could, asked her gentleman how a particular man,
- who she saw there among the _gens d'armes_, might be inquired after and
- found out; she having seen an Englishman riding there which was supposed
- to be dead in England for several years before she came out of London
- and that his wife had married again. It was a question the gentleman
- did not well understand how to answer; but another person that stood by
- told her, if she would tell him the gentleman's name, he would endeavour
- to find him out for her, and asked jestingly if he was her lover. Amy
- put that off with a laugh, but still continued her inquiry, and in such
- a manner as the gentleman easily perceived she was in earnest; so he
- left bantering, and asked her in what part of the troop he rode. She
- foolishly told him his name, which she should not have done; and
- pointing to the cornet that troop carried, which was not then quite out
- of sight, she let him easily know whereabouts he rode, only she could
- not name the captain. However, he gave her such directions afterwards
- that, in short, Amy, who was an indefatigable girl, found him out. It
- seems he had not changed his name, not supposing any inquiry would be
- made after him here; but, I say, Amy found him out, and went boldly to
- his quarters, asked for him, and he came out to her immediately.
- I believe I was not more confounded at my first seeing him at Meudon
- than he was at seeing Amy. He started and turned pale as death. Amy
- believed if he had seen her at first, in any convenient place for so
- villainous a purpose, he would have murdered her.
- But he started, as I say above, and asked in English, with an
- admiration, "What are you?" "Sir," says she, "don't you know me?"
- "Yes," says he, "I knew you when you were alive; but what are you
- now?--whether ghost or substance I know not." "Be not afraid, sir, of
- that," says Amy; "I am the same Amy that I was in your service, and do
- not speak to you now for any hurt, but that I saw you accidentally
- yesterday ride among the soldiers; I thought you might be glad to hear
- from your friends at London." "Well, Amy," says he then (having a little
- recovered himself), "how does everybody do? What! is your mistress
- here?" Thus they begun:--
- _Amy._ My mistress, sir, alas! not the mistress you mean; poor
- gentlewoman, you left her in a sad condition.
- _Gent._ Why, that's true, Amy; but it could not be helped; I was in a
- sad condition myself.
- _Amy._ I believe so, indeed, sir, or else you had not gone away as you
- did; for it was a very terrible condition you left them all in, that I
- must say.
- _Gent._ What did they do after I was gone?
- _Amy._ Do, sir! Very miserably, you may be sure. How could it be
- otherwise?
- _Gent._ Well, that's true indeed; but you may tell me, Amy, what became
- of them, if you please; for though I went so away, it was not because I
- did not love them all very well, but because I could not bear to see the
- poverty that was coming upon them, and which it was not in my power to
- help. What could I do?
- _Amy._ Nay, I believe so indeed; and I have heard my mistress say many
- times she did not doubt but your affliction was as great as hers,
- almost, wherever you were.
- _Gent._ Why, did she believe I was alive, then?
- _Amy._ Yes, sir; she always said she believed you were alive, because
- she thought she should have heard something of you if you had been dead.
- _Gent._ Ay, ay; my perplexity was very great indeed, or else I had never
- gone away.
- _Amy._ It was very cruel, though, to the poor lady, sir, my mistress;
- she almost broke her heart for you at first, for fear of what might
- befall you, and at last because she could not hear from you.
- _Gent._ Alas, Amy! what could I do? Things were driven to the last
- extremity before I went. I could have done nothing but help starve them
- all if I had stayed; and, besides, I could not bear to see it.
- _Amy._ You know, sir, I can say little to what passed before, but I am a
- melancholy witness to the sad distresses of my poor mistress as long as
- I stayed with her, and which would grieve your heart to hear them.
- [Here she tells my whole story to the time that the parish took off one
- of my children, and which she perceived very much affected him; and he
- shook his head, and said some things very bitter when he heard of the
- cruelty of his own relations to me.]
- _Gent._ Well, Amy, I have heard enough so far. What did she do
- afterwards?
- _Amy._ I can't give you any farther account, sir; my mistress would not
- let me stay with her any longer. She said she could neither pay me or
- subsist me. I told her I would serve her without any wages, but I could
- not live without victuals, you know; so I was forced to leave her, poor
- lady, sore against my will; and I heard afterwards that the landlord
- seized her goods, so she was, I suppose, turned out of doors; for as I
- went by the door, about a month after, I saw the house shut up; and,
- about a fortnight after that, I found there were workmen at work,
- fitting it up, as I suppose, for a new tenant. But none of the
- neighbours could tell me what was become of my poor mistress, only that
- they said she was so poor that it was next to begging; that some of the
- neighbouring gentlefolks had relieved her, or that else she must have
- starved.
- Then she went on, and told him that after that they never heard any more
- of (me) her mistress, but that she had been seen once or twice in the
- city very shabby and poor in clothes, and it was thought she worked with
- her needle for her bread.
- All this the jade said with so much cunning, and managed and humoured it
- so well, and wiped her eyes and cried so artificially, that he took it
- all as it was intended he should, and once or twice she saw tears in his
- eyes too. He told her it was a moving, melancholy story, and it had
- almost broke his heart at first, but that he was driven to the last
- extremity, and could do nothing but stay and see them all starve, which
- he could not bear the thoughts of, but should have pistolled himself if
- any such thing had happened while he was there; that he left (me) his
- wife all the money he had in the world but £25, which was as little as
- he could take with him to seek his fortune in the world. He could not
- doubt but that his relations, seeing they were all rich, would have
- taken the poor children off, and not let them come to the parish; and
- that his wife was young and handsome, and, he thought, might marry
- again, perhaps, to her advantage, and for that very reason he never
- wrote to her or let her know he was alive, that she might in a
- reasonable term of years marry, and perhaps mend her fortunes; that he
- resolved never to claim her, because he should rejoice to hear that she
- had settled to her mind; and that he wished there had been a law made to
- empower a woman to marry if her husband was not heard of in so long a
- time, which time, he thought, should not be above four years, which was
- long enough to send word in to a wife or family from any part of the
- world.
- Amy said she could say nothing to that but this, that she was satisfied
- her mistress would marry nobody unless she had certain intelligence that
- he had been dead from somebody that saw him buried. "But, alas!" says
- Amy, "my mistress was reduced to such dismal circumstances that nobody
- would be so foolish to think of her, unless it had been somebody to go
- a-begging with her."
- Amy then, seeing him so perfectly deluded, made a long and lamentable
- outcry how she had been deluded away to marry a poor footman. "For he is
- no worse or better," says she, "though he calls himself a lord's
- gentleman. And here," says Amy, "he has dragged me over into a strange
- country to make a beggar of me;" and then she falls a-howling again, and
- snivelling, which, by the way, was all hypocrisy, but acted so to the
- life as perfectly deceived him, and he gave entire credit to every word
- of it.
- "Why, Amy," says he, "you are very well dressed; you don't look as if
- you were in danger of being a beggar." "Ay, hang 'em!" says Amy, "they
- love to have fine clothes here, if they have never a smock under them.
- But I love to have money in cash, rather than a chestful of fine
- clothes. Besides, sir," says she, "most of the clothes I have were given
- me in the last place I had, when I went away from my mistress."
- Upon the whole of the discourse, Amy got out of him what condition he
- was in and how he lived, upon her promise to him that if ever she came
- to England, and should see her old mistress, she should not let her know
- that he was alive. "Alas, sir!" says Amy, "I may never come to see
- England again as long as I live; and if I should, it would be ten
- thousand to one whether I shall see my old mistress, for how should I
- know which way to look for her, or what part of England she may be
- in?--not I," says she. "I don't so much as know how to inquire for her;
- and if I should," says Amy, "ever be so happy as to see her, I would not
- do her so much mischief as to tell her where you were, sir, unless she
- was in a condition to help herself and you too." This farther deluded
- him, and made him entirely open in his conversing with her. As to his
- own circumstances, he told her she saw him in the highest preferment he
- had arrived to, or was ever like to arrive to; for, having no friends or
- acquaintance in France, and, which was worse, no money, he never
- expected to rise; that he could have been made a lieutenant to a troop
- of light horse but the week before, by the favour of an officer in the
- _gens d'armes_ who was his friend, but that he must have found eight
- thousand livres to have paid for it to the gentleman who possessed it,
- and had leave given him to sell. "But where could I get eight thousand
- livres," says he, "that have never been master of five hundred livres
- ready money at a time since I came into France?"
- "Oh dear, sir!" says Amy, "I am very sorry to hear you say so. I fancy
- if you once got up to some preferment, you would think of my old
- mistress again, and do something for her. Poor lady," says Amy, "she
- wants it, to be sure;" and then she falls a-crying again. "It is a sad
- thing indeed," says she, "that you should be so hard put to it for
- money, when you had got a friend to recommend you, and should lose it
- for want of money." "Ay, so it was, Amy, indeed," says he; "but what can
- a stranger do that has neither money or friends?" Here Amy puts in again
- on my account. "Well," says she, "my poor mistress has had the loss,
- though she knows nothing of it. Oh dear! how happy it would have been!
- To be sure, sir, you would have helped her all you could." "Ay," says
- he, "Amy, so I would with all my heart; and even as I am, I would send
- her some relief, if I thought she wanted it, only that then letting her
- know I was alive might do her some prejudice, in case of her settling,
- or marrying anybody."
- "Alas," says Amy, "marry! Who will marry her in the poor condition she
- is in?" And so their discourse ended for that time.
- All this was mere talk on both sides, and words of course; for on
- farther inquiry, Amy found that he had no such offer of a lieutenant's
- commission, or anything like it; and that he rambled in his discourse
- from one thing to another; but of that in its place.
- You may be sure that this discourse, as Amy at first related it, was
- moving to the last degree upon me, and I was once going to have sent him
- the eight thousand livres to purchase the commission he had spoken of;
- but as I knew his character better than anybody, I was willing to search
- a little farther into it, and so I set Amy to inquire of some other of
- the troop, to see what character he had, and whether there was anything
- in the story of a lieutenant's commission or no.
- But Amy soon came to a better understanding of him, for she presently
- learnt that he had a most scoundrel character; that there was nothing of
- weight in anything he said; but that he was, in short, a mere sharper,
- one that would stick at nothing to get money, and that there was no
- depending on anything he said; and that more especially about the
- lieutenant's commission, she understood that there was nothing at all in
- it, but they told her how he had often made use of that sham to borrow
- money, and move gentlemen to pity him and lend him money, in hopes to
- get him preferment; that he had reported that he had a wife and five
- children in England, who he maintained out of his pay, and by these
- shifts had run into debt in several places; and upon several complaints
- for such things, he had been threatened to be turned out of the _gens
- d'armes_; and that, in short, he was not to be believed in anything he
- said, or trusted on any account.
- Upon this information, Amy began to cool in her farther meddling with
- him, and told me it was not safe for me to attempt doing him any good,
- unless I resolved to put him upon suspicions and inquiries which might
- be to my ruin, in the condition I was now in.
- I was soon confirmed in this part of his character, for the next time
- that Amy came to talk with him, he discovered himself more effectually;
- for, while she had put him in hopes of procuring one to advance the
- money for the lieutenant's commission for him upon easy conditions, he
- by degrees dropped the discourse, then pretended it was too late, and
- that he could not get it, and then descended to ask poor Amy to lend him
- five hundred pistoles.
- Amy pretended poverty, that her circumstances were but mean, and that
- she could not raise such a sum; and this she did to try him to the
- utmost. He descended to three hundred, then to one hundred, then to
- fifty, and then to a pistole, which she lent him, and he, never
- intending to pay it, played out of her sight as much as he could. And
- thus being satisfied that he was the same worthless thing he had ever
- been, I threw off all thoughts of him; whereas, had he been a man of any
- sense and of any principle of honour, I had it in my thoughts to retire
- to England again, send for him over, and have lived honestly with him.
- But as a fool is the worst of husbands to do a woman good, so a fool is
- the worst husband a woman can do good to. I would willingly have done
- him good, but he was not qualified to receive it or make the best use of
- it. Had I sent him ten thousand crowns instead of eight thousand livres,
- and sent it with express condition that he should immediately have
- bought himself the commission he talked of with part of the money, and
- have sent some of it to relieve the necessities of his poor miserable
- wife at London, and to prevent his children to be kept by the parish, it
- was evident he would have been still but a private trooper, and his wife
- and children should still have starved at London, or been kept of mere
- charity, as, for aught he knew, they then were.
- Seeing, therefore, no remedy, I was obliged to withdraw my hand from
- him, that had been my first destroyer, and reserve the assistance that I
- intended to have given him for another more desirable opportunity. All
- that I had now to do was to keep myself out of his sight, which was not
- very difficult for me to do, considering in what station he lived.
- Amy and I had several consultations then upon the main question,
- namely, how to be sure never to chop upon him again by chance, and to be
- surprised into a discovery, which would have been a fatal discovery
- indeed. Amy proposed that we should always take care to know where the
- _gens d'armes_ were quartered, and thereby effectually avoid them; and
- this was one way.
- But this was not so as to be fully to my satisfaction; no ordinary way
- of inquiring where the _gens d'armes_ were quartered was sufficient to
- me; but I found out a fellow who was completely qualified for the work
- of a spy (for France has plenty of such people). This man I employed to
- be a constant and particular attendant upon his person and motions; and
- he was especially employed and ordered to haunt him as a ghost, that he
- should scarce let him be ever out of his sight. He performed this to a
- nicety, and failed not to give me a perfect journal of all his motions
- from day to day, and, whether for his pleasure or his business, was
- always at his heels.
- This was somewhat expensive, and such a fellow merited to be well paid,
- but he did his business so exquisitely punctual that this poor man
- scarce went out of the house without my knowing the way he went, the
- company he kept, when he went abroad, and when he stayed at home.
- By this extraordinary conduct I made myself safe, and so went out in
- public or stayed at home as I found he was or was not in a possibility
- of being at Paris, at Versailles, or any place I had occasion to be at.
- This, though it was very chargeable, yet as I found it absolutely
- necessary, so I took no thought about the expense of it, for I knew I
- could not purchase my safety too dear.
- By this management I found an opportunity to see what a most
- insignificant, unthinking life the poor, indolent wretch, who, by his
- unactive temper, had at first been my ruin, now lived; how he only rose
- in the morning to go to bed at night; that, saving the necessary motion
- of the troops, which he was obliged to attend, he was a mere motionless
- animal, of no consequence in the world; that he seemed to be one who,
- though he was indeed alive, had no manner of business in life but to
- stay to be called out of it. He neither kept any company, minded any
- sport, played at any game, or indeed did anything of moment; but, in
- short, sauntered about like one that it was not two livres value whether
- he was dead or alive; that when he was gone, would leave no remembrance
- behind him that ever he was here; that if ever he did anything in the
- world to be talked of, it was only to get five beggars and starve his
- wife. The journal of his life, which I had constantly sent me every
- week, was the least significant of anything of its kind that was ever
- seen, as it had really nothing of earnest in it, so it would make no
- jest to relate it. It was not important enough so much as to make the
- reader merry withal, and for that reason I omit it.
- Yet this nothing-doing wretch was I obliged to watch and guard against,
- as against the only thing that was capable of doing me hurt in the
- world. I was to shun him as we would shun a spectre, or even the devil,
- if he was actually in our way; and it cost me after the rate of a
- hundred and fifty livres a month, and very cheap too, to have this
- creature constantly kept in view. That is to say, my spy undertook never
- to let him be out of his sight an hour, but so as that he could give an
- account of him, which was much the easier for to be done considering his
- way of living; for he was sure that, for whole weeks together, he would
- be ten hours of the day half asleep on a bench at the tavern-door where
- he quartered, or drunk within the house. Though this wicked life he led
- sometimes moved me to pity him, and to wonder how so well-bred,
- gentlemanly a man as he once was could degenerate into such a useless
- thing as he now appeared, yet at the same time it gave me most
- contemptible thoughts of him, and made me often say I was a warning for
- all the ladies of Europe against marrying of fools. A man of sense falls
- in the world and gets up again, and a woman has some chance for herself;
- but with a fool, once fall, and ever undone; once in the ditch, and die
- in the ditch; once poor, and sure to starve.
- But it is time to have done with him. Once I had nothing to hope for but
- to see him again; now my only felicity was, if possible, never to see
- him, and, above all, to keep him from seeing me, which, as above, I took
- effectual care of.
- I was now returned to Paris. My little son of honour, as I called him,
- was left at ----, where my last country-seat then was, and I came to
- Paris at the prince's request. Thither he came to me as soon as I
- arrived, and told me he came to give me joy of my return, and to make
- his acknowledgments for that I had given him a son. I thought, indeed,
- he had been going to give me a present, and so he did the next day, but
- in what he said then he only jested with me. He gave me his company all
- the evening, supped with me about midnight, and did me the honour, as I
- then called it, to lodge me in his arms all the night, telling me, in
- jest, that the best thanks for a son born was giving the pledge for
- another.
- But as I hinted, so it was; the next morning he laid me down on my
- toilet a purse with three hundred pistoles. I saw him lay it down, and
- understood what he meant, but I took no notice of it till I came to it,
- as it were, casually; then I gave a great cry out, and fell a-scolding
- in my way, for he gave me all possible freedom of speech on such
- occasions. I told him he was unkind, that he would never give me an
- opportunity to ask for anything, and that he forced me to blush by being
- too much obliged, and the like; all which I knew was very agreeable to
- him, for as he was bountiful beyond measure, so he was infinitely
- obliged by my being so backward to ask any favours; and I was even with
- him, for I never asked him for a farthing in my life.
- Upon this rallying him, he told me I had either perfectly studied the
- art of humour, or else what was the greatest difficulty to others was
- natural to me, adding that nothing could be more obliging to a man of
- honour than not to be soliciting and craving.
- I told him nothing could be craving upon him, that he left no room for
- it; that I hoped he did not give merely to avoid the trouble of being
- importuned. I told him he might depend upon it that I should be reduced
- very low indeed before I offered to disturb him that way.
- He said a man of honour ought always to know what he ought to do; and as
- he did nothing but what he knew was reasonable, he gave me leave to be
- free with him if I wanted anything; that he had too much value for me to
- deny me anything if I asked, but that it was infinitely agreeable to
- him to hear me say that what he did was to my satisfaction.
- We strained compliments thus a great while, and as he had me in his arms
- most part of the time, so upon all my expressions of his bounty to me he
- put a stop to me with his kisses, and would admit me to go on no
- farther.
- I should in this place mention that this prince was not a subject of
- France, though at that time he resided at Paris and was much at court,
- where, I suppose, he had or expected some considerable employment. But I
- mention it on this account, that a few days after this he came to me and
- told me he was come to bring me not the most welcome news that ever I
- heard from him in his life. I looked at him a little surprised; but he
- returned, "Do not be uneasy; it is as unpleasant to me as to you, but I
- come to consult with you about it and see if it cannot be made a little
- easy to us both."
- I seemed still more concerned and surprised. At last he said it was that
- he believed he should be obliged to go into Italy, which, though
- otherwise it was very agreeable to him, yet his parting with me made it
- a very dull thing but to think of.
- I sat mute, as one thunderstruck, for a good while; and it presently
- occurred to me that I was going to lose him, which, indeed, I could but
- ill bear the thoughts of; and as he told me I turned pale. "What's the
- matter?" said he hastily. "I have surprised you indeed," and stepping to
- the sideboard fills a dram of cordial water, which was of his own
- bringing, and comes to me. "Be not surprised," said he; "I'll go nowhere
- without you;" adding several other things so kind as nothing could
- exceed it.
- I might indeed turn pale, for I was very much surprised at first,
- believing that this was, as it often happens in such cases, only a
- project to drop me, and break off an amour which he had now carried on
- so long; and a thousand thoughts whirled about my head in the few
- moments while I was kept in suspense, for they were but a few. I say, I
- was indeed surprised, and might, perhaps, look pale, but I was not in
- any danger of fainting that I knew of.
- However, it not a little pleased me to see him so concerned and anxious
- about me, but I stopped a little when he put the cordial to my mouth,
- and taking the glass in my hand, I said, "My lord, your words are
- infinitely more of a cordial to me than this citron; for as nothing can
- be a greater affliction than to lose you, so nothing can be a greater
- satisfaction than the assurance that I shall not have that misfortune."
- He made me sit down, and sat down by me, and after saying a thousand
- kind things to me, he turns upon me with a smile: "Why, will you
- venture yourself to Italy with me?" says he. I stopped a while, and then
- answered that I wondered he would ask me that question, for I would go
- anywhere in the world, or all over the world, wherever he should desire
- me, and give me the felicity of his company.
- Then he entered into a long account of the occasion of his journey, and
- how the king had engaged him to go, and some other circumstances which
- are not proper to enter into here; it being by no means proper to say
- anything that might lead the reader into the least guess at the person.
- But to cut short this part of the story, and the history of our journey
- and stay abroad, which would almost fill up a volume of itself, I say we
- spent all that evening in cheerful consultations about the manner of our
- travelling, the equipage and figure he should go in, and in what manner
- I should go. Several ways were proposed, but none seemed feasible, till
- at last I told him I thought it would be so troublesome, so expensive,
- and so public that it would be many ways inconvenient to him; and though
- it was a kind of death to me to lose him, yet that, rather than so very
- much perplex his affairs, I would submit to anything.
- At the next visit I filled his head with the same difficulties, and then
- at last came over him with a proposal that I would stay in Paris, or
- where else he should direct; and when I heard of his safe arrival, would
- come away by myself, and place myself as near him as I could.
- This gave him no satisfaction at all, nor would he hear any more of it;
- but if I durst venture myself, as he called it, such a journey, he would
- not lose the satisfaction of my company; and as for the expense, that
- was not to be named; neither, indeed, was there room to name it, for I
- found that he travelled at the king's expense, as well for himself as
- for all his equipage, being upon a piece of secret service of the last
- importance.
- But after several debates between ourselves, he came to this resolution,
- viz., that he would travel incognito, and so he should avoid all public
- notice either of himself or of who went with him; and that then he
- should not only carry me with him, but have a perfect leisure of
- enjoying my agreeable company (as he was pleased to call it) all the
- way.
- This was so obliging that nothing could be more so. Upon this foot he
- immediately set to work to prepare things for his journey, and, by his
- directions, so did I too. But now I had a terrible difficulty upon me,
- and which way to get over it I knew not; and that was, in what manner to
- take care of what I had to leave behind me. I was rich, as I have said,
- very rich, and what to do with it I knew not; nor who to leave in trust
- I knew not. I had nobody but Amy in the world, and to travel without Amy
- was very uncomfortable, or to leave all I had in the world with her,
- and, if she miscarried, be ruined at once, was still a frightful
- thought; for Amy might die, and whose hands things might fall into I
- knew not. This gave me great uneasiness, and I knew not what to do; for
- I could not mention it to the prince, lest he should see that I was
- richer than he thought I was.
- But the prince made all this easy to me; for in concerting measures for
- our journey he started the thing himself, and asked me merrily one
- evening who I would trust with all my wealth in my absence.
- "My wealth, my lord," said I, "except what I owe to your goodness is but
- small, but yet that little I have, I confess, causes some
- thoughtfulness, because I have no acquaintance in Paris that I dare
- trust with it, nor anybody but my woman to leave in the house; and how
- to do without her upon the road I do not well know."
- "As to the road, be not concerned," says the prince; "I'll provide you
- servants to your mind; and as for your woman, if you can trust her,
- leave her here, and I'll put you in a way how to secure things as well
- as if you were at home." I bowed, and told him I could not be put into
- better hands than his own, and that, therefore, I would govern all my
- measures by his directions; so we talked no more of it that night.
- The next day he sent me in a great iron chest, so large that it was as
- much as six lusty fellows could get up the steps into the house; and in
- this I put, indeed, all my wealth; and for my safety he ordered a good,
- honest, ancient man and his wife to be in the house with her, to keep
- her company, and a maid-servant and boy; so that there was a good
- family, and Amy was madam, the mistress of the house.
- Things being thus secured, we set out incog., as he called it; but we
- had two coaches and six horses, two chaises, and about eight
- men-servants on horseback, all very well armed.
- Never was woman better used in this world that went upon no other
- account than I did. I had three women-servants to wait on me, one
- whereof was an old Madame ----, who thoroughly understood her business,
- and managed everything as if she had been major-domo; so I had no
- trouble. They had one coach to themselves, and the prince and I in the
- other; only that sometimes, where he knew it necessary, I went into
- their coach, and one particular gentleman of the retinue rode with him.
- I shall say no more of the journey than that when we came to those
- frightful mountains, the Alps, there was no travelling in our coaches,
- so he ordered a horse-litter, but carried by mules, to be provided for
- me, and himself went on horseback. The coaches went some other way back
- to Lyons. Then we had coaches hired at Turin, which met us at Suza; so
- that we were accommodated again, and went by easy journeys afterwards to
- Rome, where his business, whatever it was, called him to stay some time,
- and from thence to Venice.
- He was as good as his word, indeed; for I had the pleasure of his
- company, and, in a word, engrossed his conversation almost all the way.
- He took delight in showing me everything that was to be seen, and
- particularly in telling me something of the history of everything he
- showed me.
- What valuable pains were here thrown away upon one who he was sure, at
- last, to abandon with regret! How below himself did a man of quality and
- of a thousand accomplishments behave in all this! It is one of my
- reasons for entering into this part, which otherwise would not be worth
- relating. Had I been a daughter or a wife, of whom it might be said that
- he had a just concern in their instruction or improvement, it had been
- an admirable step; but all this to a whore; to one who he carried with
- him upon no account that could be rationally agreeable, and none but to
- gratify the meanest of human frailties--this was the wonder of it. But
- such is the power of a vicious inclination. Whoring was, in a word, his
- darling crime, the worst excursion he made, for he was otherwise one of
- the most excellent persons in the world. No passions, no furious
- excursions, no ostentatious pride; the most humble, courteous, affable
- person in the world. Not an oath, not an indecent word, or the least
- blemish in behaviour was to be seen in all his conversation, except as
- before excepted; and it has given me occasion for many dark reflections
- since, to look back and think that I should be the snare of such a
- person's life; that I should influence him to so much wickedness, and
- that I should be the instrument in the hand of the devil to do him so
- much prejudice.
- We were near two years upon this grand tour, as it may be called, during
- most of which I resided at Rome or at Venice, having only been twice at
- Florence and once at Naples. I made some very diverting and useful
- observations in all these places, and particularly of the conduct of the
- ladies; for I had opportunity to converse very much among them, by the
- help of the old witch that travelled with us. She had been at Naples and
- at Venice, and had lived in the former several years, where, as I found,
- she had lived but a loose life, as indeed the women of Naples generally
- do; and, in short, I found she was fully acquainted with all the
- intriguing arts of that part of the world.
- Here my lord bought me a little female Turkish slave, who, being taken
- at sea by a Maltese man-of-war, was brought in there, and of her I
- learnt the Turkish language, their way of dressing and dancing, and some
- Turkish, or rather Moorish, songs, of which I made use to my advantage
- on an extraordinary occasion some years after, as you shall hear in its
- place. I need not say I learnt Italian too, for I got pretty well
- mistress of that before I had been there a year; and as I had leisure
- enough and loved the language, I read all the Italian books I could come
- at.
- I began to be so in love with Italy, especially with Naples and Venice,
- that I could have been very well satisfied to have sent for Amy and have
- taken up my residence there for life.
- As to Rome, I did not like it at all. The swarms of ecclesiastics of all
- kinds on one side, and the scoundrel rabbles of the common people on the
- other, make Rome the unpleasantest place in the world to live in. The
- innumerable number of valets, lackeys, and other servants is such that
- they used to say that there are very few of the common people in Rome
- but what have been footmen, or porters, or grooms to cardinals or
- foreign ambassadors. In a word, they have an air of sharping and
- cozening, quarrelling and scolding, upon their general behaviour; and
- when I was there the footmen made such a broil between two great
- families in Rome, about which of their coaches (the ladies being in the
- coaches on either side) should give way to the other, that there was
- about thirty people wounded on both sides, five or six killed outside,
- and both the ladies frighted almost to death.
- But I have no mind to write the history of my travels on this side of
- the world, at least not now; it would be too full of variety.
- I must not, however, omit that the prince continued in all this journey
- the most kind, obliging person to me in the world, and so constant that,
- though we were in a country where it is well known all manner of
- liberties are taken, I am yet well assured he neither took the liberty
- he knew he might have, or so much as desired it.
- I have often thought of this noble person on that account. Had he been
- but half so true, so faithful and constant, to the best lady in the
- world--I mean his princess--how glorious a virtue had it been in him!
- And how free had he been from those just reflections which touched him
- in her behalf when it was too late!
- We had some very agreeable conversations upon this subject, and once he
- told me, with a kind of more than ordinary concern upon his thoughts,
- that he was greatly beholden to me for taking this hazardous and
- difficult journey, for that I had kept him honest. I looked up in his
- face, and coloured as red as fire. "Well, well," says he, "do not let
- that surprise you, I do say you have kept me honest." "My lord," said I,
- "'tis not for me to explain your words, but I wish I could turn them my
- own way. I hope," says I, "and believe we are both as honest as we can
- be in our circumstances." "Ay, ay," says he; "and honester than I doubt
- I should have been if you had not been with me. I cannot say but if you
- had not been here I should have wandered among the gay world here, in
- Naples, and in Venice too, for 'tis not such a crime here as 'tis in
- other places. But I protest," says he, "I have not touched a woman in
- Italy but yourself; and more than that, I have not so much as had any
- desire to it. So that, I say, you have kept me honest."
- I was silent, and was glad that he interrupted me, or kept me from
- speaking, with kissing me, for really I knew not what to say. I was once
- going to say that if his lady, the princess, had been with him, she
- would doubtless have had the same influence upon his virtue, with
- infinitely more advantage to him; but I considered this might give him
- offence; and, besides, such things might have been dangerous to the
- circumstance I stood in, so it passed off. But I must confess I saw that
- he was quite another man as to women than I understood he had always
- been before, and it was a particular satisfaction to me that I was
- thereby convinced that what he said was true, and that he was, as I may
- say, all my own.
- I was with child again in this journey, and lay in at Venice, but was
- not so happy as before. I brought him another son, and a very fine boy
- it was, but it lived not above two months; nor, after the first touches
- of affection (which are usual, I believe, to all mothers) were over, was
- I sorry the child did not live, the necessary difficulties attending it
- in our travelling being considered.
- After these several perambulations, my lord told me his business began
- to close, and we would think of returning to France, which I was very
- glad of, but principally on account of my treasure I had there, which,
- as you have heard, was very considerable. It is true I had letters very
- frequently from my maid Amy, with accounts that everything was very
- safe, and that was very much to my satisfaction. However, as the
- prince's negotiations were at an end, and he was obliged to return, I
- was very glad to go; so we returned from Venice to Turin, and in the way
- I saw the famous city of Milan. From Turin we went over the mountains
- again, as before, and our coaches met us at Pont à Voisin, between
- Chambery and Lyons; and so, by easy journeys, we arrived safely at
- Paris, having been absent two years, wanting about eleven days, as
- above.
- I found the little family we left just as we left them, and Amy cried
- for joy when she saw me, and I almost did the same.
- The prince took his leave of me the night before, for, as he told me, he
- knew he should be met upon the road by several persons of quality, and
- perhaps by the princess herself; so we lay at two different inns that
- night, lest some should come quite to the place, as indeed it happened.
- After this I saw him not for above twenty days, being taken up in his
- family, and also with business; but he sent me his gentleman to tell me
- the reason of it, and bid me not be uneasy, and that satisfied me
- effectually.
- In all this affluence of my good fortune I did not forget that I had
- been rich and poor once already alternately, and that I ought to know
- that the circumstances I was now in were not to be expected to last
- always; that I had one child, and expected another; and if I had bred
- often, it would something impair me in the great article that supported
- my interest--I mean, what he called beauty; that as that declined, I
- might expect the fire would abate, and the warmth with which I was now
- so caressed would cool, and in time, like the other mistresses of great
- men, I might be dropped again; and that therefore it was my business to
- take care that I should fall as softly as I could.
- I say, I did not forget, therefore, to make as good provision for
- myself as if I had had nothing to have subsisted on but what I now
- gained; whereas I had not less than ten thousand pounds, as I said
- above, which I had amassed, or secured rather, out of the ruins of my
- faithful friend the jeweller, and which he, little thinking of what was
- so near him when he went out, told me, though in a kind of a jest, was
- all my own, if he was knocked on the head, and which, upon that title, I
- took care to preserve.
- My greatest difficulty now was how to secure my wealth and to keep what
- I had got; for I had greatly added to this wealth by the generous bounty
- of the Prince ----, and the more by the private, retired mode of living,
- which he rather desired for privacy than parsimony; for he supplied me
- for a more magnificent way of life than I desired, if it had been
- proper.
- I shall cut short the history of this prosperous wickedness with telling
- you I brought him a third son, within little more than eleven months
- after our return from Italy; that now I lived a little more openly, and
- went by a particular name which he gave me abroad, but which I must
- omit, viz., the Countess de ----; and had coaches and servants, suitable
- to the quality he had given me the appearance of; and, which is more
- than usually happens in such cases, this held eight years from the
- beginning, during which time, as I had been very faithful to him, so I
- must say, as above, that I believe he was so separated to me, that
- whereas he usually had two or three women, which he kept privately, he
- had not in all that time meddled with any of them, but that I had so
- perfectly engrossed him that he dropped them all. Not, perhaps, that he
- saved much by it, for I was a very chargeable mistress to him, that I
- must acknowledge, but it was all owing to his particular affection to
- me, not to my extravagance, for, as I said, he never gave me leave to
- ask him for anything, but poured in his favours and presents faster than
- I expected, and so fast as I could not have the assurance to make the
- least mention of desiring more. Nor do I speak this of my own guess, I
- mean about his constancy to me and his quitting all other women; but the
- old harridan, as I may call her, whom he made the guide of our
- travelling, and who was a strange old creature, told me a thousand
- stories of his gallantry, as she called it, and how, as he had no less
- than three mistresses at one time, and, as I found, all of her
- procuring, he had of a sudden dropped them all, and that he was entirely
- lost to both her and them; that they did believe he had fallen into some
- new hands, but she could never hear who, or where, till he sent for her
- to go this journey; and then the old hag complimented me upon his
- choice; that she did not wonder I had so engrossed him; so much beauty,
- &c.; and there she stopped.
- Upon the whole, I found by her what was, you may be sure, to my
- particular satisfaction, viz., that, as above, I had him all my own. But
- the highest tide has its ebb; and in all things of this kind there is a
- reflux which sometimes, also, is more impetuously violent than the first
- aggression. My prince was a man of a vast fortune, though no sovereign,
- and therefore there was no probability that the expense of keeping a
- mistress could be injurious to him, as to his estate. He had also
- several employments, both out of France as well as in it; for, as above,
- I say he was not a subject of France, though he lived in that court. He
- had a princess, a wife with whom he had lived several years, and a woman
- (so the voice of fame reported) the most valuable of her sex, of birth
- equal to him, if not superior, and of fortune proportionable; but in
- beauty, wit, and a thousand good qualities superior, not to most women,
- but even to all her sex; and as to her virtue, the character which was
- justly her due was that of, not only the best of princesses, but even
- the best of women.
- They lived in the utmost harmony, as with such a princess it was
- impossible to be otherwise. But yet the princess was not insensible that
- her lord had his foibles, that he did make some excursions, and
- particularly that he had one favourite mistress, which sometimes
- engrossed him more than she (the princess) could wish, or be easily
- satisfied with. However, she was so good, so generous, so truly kind a
- wife, that she never gave him any uneasiness on this account; except so
- much as must arise from his sense of her bearing the affront of it with
- such patience, and such a profound respect for him as was in itself
- enough to have reformed him, and did sometimes shock his generous mind,
- so as to keep him at home, as I may call it, a great while together. And
- it was not long before I not only perceived it by his absence, but
- really got a knowledge of the reason of it, and once or twice he even
- acknowledged it to me.
- It was a point that lay not in me to manage. I made a kind of motion
- once or twice to him to leave me, and keep himself to her, as he ought
- by the laws and rites of matrimony to do, and argued the generosity of
- the princess to him, to persuade him; but I was a hypocrite, for had I
- prevailed with him really to be honest, I had lost him, which I could
- not bear the thoughts of; and he might easily see I was not in earnest.
- One time in particular, when I took upon me to talk at this rate, I
- found, when I argued so much for the virtue and honour, the birth, and,
- above all, the generous usage he found in the person of the princess
- with respect to his private amours, and how it should prevail upon him,
- &c., I found it began to affect him, and he returned, "And do you
- indeed," says he, "persuade me to leave you? Would you have me think
- you sincere?" I looked up in his face, smiling. "Not for any other
- favourite, my lord," says I; "that would break my heart; but for madam
- the princess!" said I; and then I could say no more. Tears followed, and
- I sat silent a while. "Well," said he, "if ever I do leave you, it shall
- be on the virtuous account; it shall be for the princess; I assure you
- it shall be for no other woman." "That's enough, my lord," said I;
- "there I ought to submit; and while I am assured it shall be for no
- other mistress, I promise your Highness I will not repine; or that, if I
- do, it shall be a silent grief; it shall not interrupt your felicity."
- All this while I said I knew not what, and said what I was no more able
- to do than he was able to leave me; which, at that time, he owned he
- could not do--no, not for the princess herself.
- But another turn of affairs determined this matter, for the princess was
- taken very ill, and, in the opinion of all her physicians, very
- dangerously so. In her sickness she desired to speak with her lord, and
- to take her leave of him. At this grievous parting she said so many
- passionate, kind things to him, lamented that she had left him no
- children (she had had three, but they were dead); hinted to him that it
- was one of the chief things which gave her satisfaction in death, as to
- this world, that she should leave him room to have heirs to his family,
- by some princess that should supply her place; with all humility, but
- with a Christian earnestness, recommended to him to do justice to such
- princess, whoever it should be, from whom, to be sure, he would expect
- justice; that is to say, to keep to her singly, according to the
- solemnest part of the marriage covenant; humbly asked his Highness's
- pardon if she had any way offended him; and appealing to Heaven, before
- whose tribunal she was to appear, that she had never violated her honour
- or her duty to him, and praying to Jesus and the blessed Virgin for his
- Highness; and thus, with the most moving and most passionate expressions
- of her affection to him, took her last leave of him, and died the next
- day.
- This discourse, from a princess so valuable in herself and so dear to
- him, and the loss of her following so immediately after, made such deep
- impressions on him that he looked back with detestation upon the former
- part of his life, grew melancholy and reserved, changed his society and
- much of the general conduct of his life, resolved on a life regulated
- most strictly by the rules of virtue and piety, and, in a word, was
- quite another man.
- The first part of his reformation was a storm upon me; for, about ten
- days after the princess's funeral, he sent a message to me by his
- gentleman, intimating, though in very civil terms, and with a short
- preamble or introduction, that he desired I would not take it ill that
- he was obliged to let me know that he could see me no more. His
- gentleman told me a long story of the new regulation of life his lord
- had taken up; and that he had been so afflicted for the loss of his
- princess that he thought it would either shorten his life or he would
- retire into some religious house, to end his days in solitude.
- I need not direct anybody to suppose how I received this news. I was
- indeed exceedingly surprised at it, and had much ado to support myself
- when the first part of it was delivered, though the gentleman delivered
- his errand with great respect, and with all the regard to me that he was
- able, and with a great deal of ceremony, also telling me how much he was
- concerned to bring me such a message.
- But when I heard the particulars of the story at large, and especially
- that of the lady's discourse to the prince a little before her death, I
- was fully satisfied. I knew very well he had done nothing but what any
- man must do that had a true sense upon him of the justice of the
- princess's discourse to him, and of the necessity there was of his
- altering his course of life, if he intended to be either a Christian or
- an honest man. I say, when I heard this I was perfectly easy. I confess
- it was a circumstance that it might be reasonably expected should have
- wrought something also upon me; I that had so much to reflect upon more
- than the prince; that had now no more temptation of poverty, or of the
- powerful motive which Amy used with me--namely, comply and live, deny
- and starve; I say, I that had no poverty to introduce vice, but was
- grown not only well supplied, but rich; and not only rich, but was very
- rich; in a word, richer than I knew how to think of, for the truth of it
- was, that thinking of it sometimes almost distracted me, for want of
- knowing how to dispose of it, and for fear of losing it all again by
- some cheat or trick, not knowing anybody that I could commit the trust
- of it to.
- Besides, I should add, at the close of this affair, that the prince did
- not, as I may say, turn me off rudely and with disgust, but with all the
- decency and goodness peculiar to himself, and that could consist with a
- man reformed and struck with the sense of his having abused so good a
- lady as his late princess had been. Nor did he send me away empty, but
- did everything like himself; and, in particular, ordered his gentleman
- to pay the rent of the house and all the expense of his two sons, and to
- tell me how they were taken care of, and where, and also that I might at
- all times inspect the usage they had, and if I disliked anything it
- should be rectified; and having thus finished everything, he retired
- into Lorraine, or somewhere that way, where he had an estate, and I
- never heard of him more--I mean, not as a mistress.
- Now I was at liberty to go to any part of the world, and take care of my
- money myself. The first thing that I resolved to do was to go directly
- to England, for there, I thought, being among my country-folks--for I
- esteemed myself an Englishwoman, though I was born in France--there, I
- say, I thought I could better manage things than in France; at least,
- that I would be in less danger of being circumvented and deceived; but
- how to get away with such a treasure as I had with me was a difficult
- point, and what I was greatly at a loss about.
- There was a Dutch merchant in Paris, that was a person of great
- reputation for a man of substance and of honesty, but I had no manner of
- acquaintance with him, nor did I know how to get acquainted with him, so
- as to discover my circumstances to him; but at last I employed my maid
- Amy (such I must be allowed to call her, notwithstanding what has been
- said of her, because she was in the place of a maid-servant); I say, I
- employed my maid Amy to go to him, and she got a recommendation to him
- from somebody else, I knew not who, so that she got access to him well
- enough.
- But now was my case as bad as before, for when I came to him what could
- I do? I had money and jewels to a vast value, and I might leave all
- those with him; that I might indeed do; and so I might with several
- other merchants in Paris, who would give me bills for it, payable at
- London; but then I ran a hazard of my money, and I had nobody at London
- to send the bills to, and so to stay till I had an account that they
- were accepted; for I had not one friend in London that I could have
- recourse to, so that indeed I knew not what to do.
- In this case I had no remedy but that I must trust somebody, so I sent
- Amy to this Dutch merchant, as I said above. He was a little surprised
- when Amy came to him and talked to him of remitting a sum of about
- twelve thousand pistoles to England, and began to think she came to put
- some cheat upon him; but when he found that Amy was but a servant, and
- that I came to him myself, the case was altered presently.
- When I came to him myself, I presently saw such a plainness in his
- dealing and such honesty in his countenance that I made no scruple to
- tell him my whole story, viz., that I was a widow, that I had some
- jewels to dispose of, and also some money which I had a mind to send to
- England, and to follow there myself; but being but a woman, and having
- no correspondence in London, or anywhere else, I knew not what to do,
- or how to secure my effects.
- He dealt very candidly with me, but advised me, when he knew my case so
- particularly, to take bills upon Amsterdam, and to go that way to
- England; for that I might lodge my treasure in the bank there, in the
- most secure manner in the world, and that there he could recommend me to
- a man who perfectly understood jewels, and would deal faithfully with me
- in the disposing them.
- I thanked him, but scrupled very much the travelling so far in a strange
- country, and especially with such a treasure about me; that, whether
- known or concealed, I did not know how to venture with it. Then he told
- me he would try to dispose of them there, that is, at Paris, and convert
- them into money, and so get me bills for the whole; and in a few days he
- brought a Jew to me, who pretended to buy the jewels. As soon as the Jew
- saw the jewels I saw my folly, and it was ten thousand to one but I had
- been ruined, and perhaps put to death in as cruel a manner as possible;
- and I was put in such a fright by it that I was once upon the point of
- flying for my life, and leaving the jewels and money too in the hands of
- the Dutchman, without any bills or anything else. The case was thus:--
- As soon as the Jew saw the jewels he falls a-jabbering, in Dutch or
- Portuguese, to the merchant; and I could presently perceive that they
- were in some great surprise, both of them. The Jew held up his hands,
- looked at me with some horror, then talked Dutch again, and put himself
- into a thousand shapes, twisting his body and wringing up his face this
- way and that way in his discourse, stamping with his feet, and throwing
- abroad his hands, as if he was not in a rage only, but in a mere fury.
- Then he would turn and give a look at me like the devil. I thought I
- never saw anything so frightful in my life.
- At length I put in a word. "Sir," says I to the Dutch merchant, "what is
- all this discourse to my business? What is this gentleman in all these
- passions about? I wish, if he is to treat with me, he would speak that I
- may understand him; or if you have business of your own between you that
- is to be done first, let me withdraw, and I'll come again when you are
- at leisure."
- "No, no, madam," says the Dutchman very kindly, "you must not go; all
- our discourse is about you and your jewels, and you shall hear it
- presently; it concerns you very much, I assure you." "Concern me!" says
- I. "What can it concern me so much as to put this gentleman into such
- agonies, and what makes him give me such devil's looks as he does? Why,
- he looks as if he would devour me."
- The Jew understood me presently, continuing in a kind of rage, and spoke
- in French: "Yes, madam, it does concern you much, very much, very much,"
- repeating the words, shaking his head; and then turning to the Dutchman,
- "Sir," says he, "pray tell her what is the case." "No," says the
- merchant, "not yet; let us talk a little farther of it by ourselves;"
- upon which they withdrew into another room, where still they talked very
- high, but in a language I did not understand. I began to be a little
- surprised at what the Jew had said, you may be sure, and eager to know
- what he meant, and was very impatient till the Dutch merchant came back,
- and that so impatient that I called one of his servants to let him know
- I desired to speak with him. When he came in I asked his pardon for
- being so impatient, but told him I could not be easy till he had told me
- what the meaning of all this was. "Why, madam," says the Dutch merchant,
- "in short, the meaning is what I am surprised at too. This man is a Jew,
- and understands jewels perfectly well, and that was the reason I sent
- for him, to dispose of them to him for you; but as soon as he saw them,
- he knew the jewels very distinctly, and flying out in a passion, as you
- see he did, told me, in short, that they were the very parcel of jewels
- which the English jeweller had about him who was robbed going to
- Versailles, about eight years ago, to show them the Prince de ----, and
- that it was for these very jewels that the poor gentleman was murdered;
- and he is in all this agony to make me ask you how you came by them; and
- he says you ought to be charged with the robbery and murder, and put to
- the question to discover who were the persons that did it, that they
- might be brought to justice." While he said this the Jew came impudently
- back into the room without calling, which a little surprised me again.
- The Dutch merchant spoke pretty good English, and he knew that the Jew
- did not understand English at all, so he told me the latter part, when
- he came into the room, in English, at which I smiled, which put the Jew
- into his mad fit again, and shaking his head and making his devil's
- faces again, he seemed to threaten me for laughing, saying, in French,
- this was an affair I should have little reason to laugh at, and the
- like. At this I laughed again, and flouted him, letting him see that I
- scorned him, and turning to the Dutch merchant, "Sir," says I, "that
- those jewels were belonging to Mr. ----, the English jeweller" (naming
- his name readily), "in that," says I, "this person is right; but that I
- should be questioned how I came to have them is a token of his
- ignorance, which, however, he might have managed with a little more good
- manners, till I told him who I am, and both he and you too will be more
- easy in that part when I should tell you that I am the unhappy widow of
- that Mr. ---- who was so barbarously murdered going to Versailles, and
- that he was not robbed of those jewels, but of others, Mr. ---- having
- left those behind him with me, lest he should be robbed. Had I, sir,
- come otherwise by them, I should not have been weak enough to have
- exposed them to sale here, where the thing was done, but have carried
- them farther off."
- This was an agreeable surprise to the Dutch merchant, who, being an
- honest man himself, believed everything I said, which, indeed, being all
- really and literally true, except the deficiency of my marriage, I spoke
- with such an unconcerned easiness that it might plainly be seen that I
- had no guilt upon me, as the Jew suggested.
- The Jew was confounded when he heard that I was the jeweller's wife. But
- as I had raised his passion with saying he looked at me with the devil's
- face, he studied mischief in his heart, and answered, that should not
- serve my turn; so called the Dutchman out again, when he told him that
- he resolved to prosecute this matter farther.
- There was one kind chance in this affair, which, indeed, was my
- deliverance, and that was, that the fool could not restrain his passion,
- but must let it fly to the Dutch merchant, to whom, when they withdrew a
- second time, as above, he told that he would bring a process against me
- for the murder, and that it should cost me dear for using him at that
- rate; and away he went, desiring the Dutch merchant to tell him when I
- would be there again. Had he suspected that the Dutchman would have
- communicated the particulars to me, he would never have been so foolish
- as to have mentioned that part to him.
- But the malice of his thoughts anticipated him, and the Dutch merchant
- was so good as to give me an account of his design, which, indeed, was
- wicked enough in its nature; but to me it would have been worse than
- otherwise it would to another, for, upon examination, I could not have
- proved myself to be the wife of the jeweller, so the suspicion might
- have been carried on with the better face; and then I should also have
- brought all his relations in England upon me, who, finding by the
- proceedings that I was not his wife, but a mistress, or, in English, a
- whore, would immediately have laid claim to the jewels, as I had owned
- them to be his.
- This thought immediately rushed into my head as soon as the Dutch
- merchant had told me what wicked things were in the head of that cursed
- Jew; and the villain (for so I must call him) convinced the Dutch
- merchant that he was in earnest by an expression which showed the rest
- of his design, and that was, a plot to get the rest of the jewels into
- his hand.
- When first he hinted to the Dutchman that the jewels were such a man's
- (meaning my husband's), he made wonderful exclamations on account of
- their having been concealed so long. Where must they have lain? And what
- was the woman that brought them? And that she (meaning me) ought to be
- immediately apprehended and put into the hands of justice. And this was
- the time that, as I said, he made such horrid gestures and looked at me
- so like a devil.
- The merchant, hearing him talk at that rate, and seeing him in earnest,
- said to him, "Hold your tongue a little; this is a thing of consequence.
- If it be so, let you and I go into the next room and consider of it
- there;" and so they withdrew, and left me.
- Here, as before, I was uneasy, and called him out, and, having heard how
- it was, gave him that answer, that I was his wife, or widow, which the
- malicious Jew said should not serve my turn. And then it was that the
- Dutchman called him out again; and in this time of his withdrawing, the
- merchant, finding, as above, that he was really in earnest,
- counterfeited a little to be of his mind, and entered into proposals
- with him for the thing itself.
- In this they agreed to go to an advocate, or counsel, for directions how
- to proceed, and to meet again the next day, against which time the
- merchant was to appoint me to come again with the jewels, in order to
- sell them. "No," says the merchant, "I will go farther with her than so;
- I will desire her to leave the jewels with me, to show to another
- person, in order to get the better price for them." "That's right," says
- the Jew; "and I'll engage she shall never be mistress of them again;
- they shall either be seized by us," says he, "in the king's name, or she
- shall be glad to give them up to us to prevent her being put to the
- torture."
- The merchant said "Yes" to everything he offered, and they agreed to
- meet the next morning about it, and I was to be persuaded to leave the
- jewels with him, and come to them the next day at four o'clock in order
- to make a good bargain for them; and on these conditions they parted.
- But the honest Dutchman, filled with indignation at the barbarous
- design, came directly to me and told me the whole story. "And now,
- madam," says he, "you are to consider immediately what you have to do."
- I told him, if I was sure to have justice, I would not fear all that
- such a rogue could do to me; but how such things were carried on in
- France I knew not. I told him the greatest difficulty would be to prove
- our marriage, for that it was done in England, and in a remote part of
- England too; and, which was worse, it would be hard to produce authentic
- vouchers of it, because we were married in private. "But as to the death
- of your husband, madam, what can be said to that?" said he. "Nay," said
- I, "what can they say to it? In England," added I, "if they would offer
- such an injury to any one, they must prove the fact or give just reason
- for their suspicions. That my husband was murdered, that every one
- knows; but that he was robbed, or of what, or how much, that none
- knows--no, not myself; and why was I not questioned for it then? I have
- lived in Paris ever since, lived publicly, and no man had yet the
- impudence to suggest such a thing of me."
- "I am fully satisfied of that," says the merchant; "but as this is a
- rogue who will stick at nothing, what can we say? And who knows what he
- may swear? Suppose he should swear that he knows your husband had those
- particular jewels with him the morning when he went out, and that he
- showed them to him to consider their value, and what price he should ask
- the Prince de ---- for them?"
- "Nay, by the same rule," said I, "he may swear that I murdered my
- husband, if he finds it for his turn." "That's true," said he; "and if
- he should, I do not see what could save you;" but added, "I have found
- out his more immediate design. His design is to have you carried to the
- Châtelet, that the suspicion may appear just, and then to get the jewels
- out of your hands if possible; then, at last, to drop the prosecution on
- your consenting to quit the jewels to him; and how you will do to avoid
- this is the question which I would have you consider of."
- "My misfortune, sir," said I, "is that I have no time to consider, and I
- have no person to consider with or advise about it. I find that
- innocence may be oppressed by such an impudent fellow as this; he that
- does not value perjury has any man's life at his mercy. But, sir," said
- I, "is the justice such here that, while I may be in the hands of the
- public and under prosecution, he may get hold of my effects and get my
- jewels into his hands?"
- "I don't know," says he, "what may be done in that case; but if not he,
- if the court of justice should get hold of them I do not know but you
- may find it as difficult to get them out of their hands again, and, at
- least, it may cost you half as much as they are worth; so I think it
- would be a much better way to prevent their coming at them at all."
- "But what course can I take to do that," says I, "now they have got
- notice that I have them? If they get me into their hands they will
- oblige me to produce them, or perhaps sentence me to prison till I do."
- "Nay," says he, "as this brute says, too, put you to the question--that
- is, to the torture, on pretence of making you confess who were the
- murderers of your husband."
- "Confess!" said I. "How can I confess what I know nothing of?"
- "If they come to have you to the rack," said he, "they will make you
- confess you did it yourself, whether you did it or no, and then you are
- cast."
- The very word rack frighted me to death almost, and I had no spirit left
- in me. "Did it myself!" said I. "That's impossible!"
- "No, madam," says he, "'tis far from impossible. The most innocent
- people in the world have been forced to confess themselves guilty of
- what they never heard of, much less had any hand in."
- "What, then, must I do?" said I. "What would you advise me to?"
- "Why," says he, "I would advise you to be gone. You intended to go away
- in four or five days, and you may as well go in two days; and if you can
- do so, I shall manage it so that he shall not suspect your being gone
- for several days after." Then he told me how the rogue would have me
- ordered to bring the jewels the next day for sale, and that then he
- would have me apprehended; how he had made the Jew believe he would join
- with him in his design, and that he (the merchant) would get the jewels
- into his hands. "Now," says the merchant, "I shall give you bills for
- the money you desired, immediately, and such as shall not fail of being
- paid. Take your jewels with you, and go this very evening to St.
- Germain-en-Laye; I'll send a man thither with you, and from thence he
- shall guide you to-morrow to Rouen, where there lies a ship of mine,
- just ready to sail for Rotterdam; you shall have your passage in that
- ship on my account, and I will send orders for him to sail as soon as
- you are on board, and a letter to my friend at Rotterdam to entertain
- and take care of you."
- This was too kind an offer for me, as things stood, not to be accepted,
- and be thankful for; and as to going away, I had prepared everything for
- parting, so that I had little to do but to go back, take two or three
- boxes and bundles, and such things, and my maid Amy, and be gone.
- Then the merchant told me the measures he had resolved to take to delude
- the Jew while I made my escape, which was very well contrived indeed.
- "First," said he, "when he comes to-morrow I shall tell him that I
- proposed to you to leave the jewels with me, as we agreed, but that you
- said you would come and bring them in the afternoon, so that we must
- stay for you till four o'clock; but then, at that time, I will show a
- letter from you, as if just come in, wherein you shall excuse your not
- coming, for that some company came to visit you, and prevented you; but
- that you desire me to take care that the gentleman be ready to buy your
- jewels, and that you will come to-morrow at the same hour, without
- fail.
- "When to-morrow is come, we shall wait at the time, but you not
- appearing, I shall seem most dissatisfied, and wonder what can be the
- reason; and so we shall agree to go the next day to get out a process
- against you. But the next day, in the morning, I'll send to give him
- notice that you have been at my house, but he not being there, have made
- another appointment, and that I desire to speak with him. When he comes,
- I'll tell him you appear perfectly blind as to your danger, and that you
- appeared much disappointed that he did not come, though you could not
- meet the night before; and obliged me to have him here to-morrow at
- three o'clock. When to-morrow comes," says he, "you shall send word that
- you are taken so ill that you cannot come out for that day, but that you
- will not fail the next day; and the next day you shall neither come or
- send, nor let us ever hear any more of you; for by that time you shall
- be in Holland, if you please."
- I could not but approve all his measures, seeing they were so well
- contrived, and in so friendly a manner, for my benefit; and as he seemed
- to be so very sincere, I resolved to put my life in his hands.
- Immediately I went to my lodgings, and sent away Amy with such bundles
- as I had prepared for my travelling. I also sent several parcels of my
- fine furniture to the merchant's house to be laid up for me, and
- bringing the key of the lodgings with me, I came back to his house. Here
- we finished our matters of money, and I delivered into his hands seven
- thousand eight hundred pistoles in bills and money, a copy of an
- assignment on the townhouse of Paris for four thousand pistoles, at
- three per cent. interest, attested, and a procuration for receiving the
- interest half-yearly; but the original I kept myself.
- I could have trusted all I had with him, for he was perfectly honest,
- and had not the least view of doing me any wrong. Indeed, after it was
- so apparent that he had, as it were, saved my life, or at least saved me
- from being exposed and ruined--I say, after this, how could I doubt him
- in anything?
- When I came to him, he had everything ready as I wanted, and as he had
- proposed. As to my money, he gave me first of all an accepted bill,
- payable at Rotterdam, for four thousand pistoles, and drawn from Genoa
- upon a merchant at Rotterdam, payable to a merchant at Paris, and
- endorsed by him to my merchant; this, he assured me, would be punctually
- paid; and so it was, to a day. The rest I had in other bills of
- exchange, drawn by himself upon other merchants in Holland. Having
- secured my jewels too, as well as I could, he sent me away the same
- evening in a friend's coach, which he had procured for me, to St.
- Germain, and the next morning to Rouen. He also sent a servant of his
- own on horseback with me, who provided everything for me, and who
- carried his orders to the captain of the ship, which lay about three
- miles below Rouen, in the river, and by his directions I went
- immediately on board. The third day after I was on board the ship went
- away, and we were out at sea the next day after that; and thus I took my
- leave of France, and got clear of an ugly business, which, had it gone
- on, might have ruined me, and sent me back as naked to England as I was
- a little before I left it.
- And now Amy and I were at leisure to look upon the mischiefs that we had
- escaped; and had I had any religion or any sense of a Supreme Power,
- managing, directing, and governing in both causes and events in this
- world, such a case as this would have given anybody room to have been
- very thankful to the Power who had not only put such a treasure into my
- hand, but given me such an escape from the ruin that threatened me; but
- I had none of those things about me. I had, indeed, a grateful sense
- upon my mind of the generous friendship of my deliverer, the Dutch
- merchant, by whom I was so faithfully served, and by whom, as far as
- relates to second causes, I was preserved from destruction.
- I say, I had a grateful sense upon my mind of his kindness and
- faithfulness to me, and I resolved to show him some testimony of it as
- soon as I came to the end of my rambles, for I was yet but in a state of
- uncertainty, and sometimes that gave me a little uneasiness too. I had
- paper indeed for my money, and he had showed himself very good to me in
- conveying me away, as above; but I had not seen the end of things yet,
- for unless the bills were paid, I might still be a great loser by my
- Dutchman, and he might, perhaps, have contrived all that affair of the
- Jew to put me into a fright and get me to run away, and that as if it
- were to save my life; that if the bills should be refused, I was cheated
- with a witness, and the like. But these were but surmises, and, indeed,
- were perfectly without cause, for the honest man acted as honest men
- always do, with an upright and disinterested principle, and with a
- sincerity not often to be found in the world. What gain he made by the
- exchange was just, and was nothing but what was his due, and was in the
- way of his business; but otherwise he made no advantage of me at all.
- When I passed in the ship between Dover and Calais and saw beloved
- England once more under my view--England, which I counted my native
- country, being the place I was bred up in, though not born there--a
- strange kind of joy possessed my mind, and I had such a longing desire
- to be there that I would have given the master of the ship twenty
- pistoles to have stood over and set me on shore in the Downs; and when
- he told me he could not do it--that is, that he durst not do it if I
- would have given him a hundred pistoles--I secretly wished that a storm
- would rise that might drive the ship over to the coast of England,
- whether they would or not, that I might be set on shore anywhere upon
- English ground.
- This wicked wish had not been out of my thoughts above two or three
- hours, but the master steering away to the north, as was his course to
- do, we lost sight of land on that side, and only had the Flemish shore
- in view on our right hand, or, as the seamen call it, the starboard
- side; and then, with the loss of the sight, the wish for landing in
- England abated, and I considered how foolish it was to wish myself out
- of the way of my business; that if I had been on shore in England, I
- must go back to Holland on account of my bills, which were so
- considerable, and I having no correspondence there, that I could not
- have managed it without going myself. But we had not been out of sight
- of England many hours before the weather began to change; the winds
- whistled and made a noise, and the seamen said to one another that it
- would blow hard at night. It was then about two hours before sunset, and
- we were passed by Dunkirk, and I think they said we were in sight of
- Ostend; but then the wind grew high and the sea swelled, and all things
- looked terrible, especially to us that understood nothing but just what
- we saw before us; in short, night came on, and very dark it was; the
- wind freshened and blew harder and harder, and about two hours within
- night it blew a terrible storm.
- I was not quite a stranger to the sea, having come from Rochelle to
- England when I was a child, and gone from London, by the River Thames,
- to France afterward, as I have said. But I began to be alarmed a little
- with the terrible clamour of the men over my head, for I had never been
- in a storm, and so had never seen the like, or heard it; and once
- offering to look out at the door of the steerage, as they called it, it
- struck me with such horror (the darkness, the fierceness of the wind,
- the dreadful height of the waves, and the hurry the Dutch sailors were
- in, whose language I did not understand one word of, neither when they
- cursed or when they prayed); I say, all these things together filled me
- with terror, and, in short, I began to be very much frighted.
- When I was come back into the great cabin, there sat Amy, who was very
- sea-sick, and I had a little before given her a sup of cordial waters to
- help her stomach. When Amy saw me come back and sit down without
- speaking, for so I did, she looked two or three times up at me; at last
- she came running to me. "Dear madam," says she, "what is the matter?
- What makes you look so pale? Why, you an't well; what is the matter?" I
- said nothing still, but held up my hands two or three times. Amy doubled
- her importunities; upon that I said no more but, "Step to the
- steerage-door, and look out, as I did;" so she went away immediately,
- and looked too, as I had bidden her; but the poor girl came back again
- in the greatest amazement and horror that ever I saw any poor creature
- in, wringing her hands and crying out she was undone! she was undone!
- she should be drowned! they were all lost! Thus she ran about the cabin
- like a mad thing, and as perfectly out of her senses as any one in such
- a case could be supposed to be. I was frighted myself, but when I saw
- the girl in such a terrible agony, it brought me a little to myself, and
- I began to talk to her and put her in a little hope. I told her there
- was many a ship in a storm that was not cast away, and I hoped we should
- not be drowned; that it was true the storm was very dreadful, but I did
- not see that the seamen were so much concerned as we were. And so I
- talked to her as well as I could, though my heart was full enough of it,
- as well as Amy's; and death began to stare in my face; ay, and something
- else too--that is to say, conscience, and my mind was very much
- disturbed; but I had nobody to comfort me.
- But Amy being in so much worse a condition--that is to say, so much more
- terrified at the storm than I was--I had something to do to comfort her.
- She was, as I have said, like one distracted, and went raving about the
- cabin, crying out she was undone! undone! she should be drowned! and the
- like. And at last, the ship giving a jerk, by the force, I suppose, of
- some violent wave, it threw poor Amy quite down, for she was weak enough
- before with being sea-sick, and as it threw her forward, the poor girl
- struck her head against the bulk-head, as the seamen call it, of the
- cabin, and laid her as dead as a stone upon the floor or deck; that is
- to say, she was so to all appearance.
- I cried out for help, but it had been all one to have cried out on the
- top of a mountain where nobody had been within five miles of me, for the
- seamen were so engaged and made so much noise that nobody heard me or
- came near me. I opened the great cabin door, and looked into the
- steerage to cry for help, but there, to increase my fright, was two
- seamen on their knees at prayers, and only one man who steered, and he
- made a groaning noise too, which I took to be saying his prayers, but it
- seems it was answering to those above, when they called to him to tell
- him which way to steer.
- Here was no help for me, or for poor Amy, and there she lay still so,
- and in such a condition, that I did not know whether she was dead or
- alive. In this fright I went to her, and lifted her a little way up,
- setting her on the deck, with her back to the boards of the bulk-head;
- and I got a little bottle out of my pocket, and I held it to her nose,
- and rubbed her temples and what else I could do, but still Amy showed no
- signs of life, till I felt for her pulse, but could hardly distinguish
- her to be alive. However, after a great while, she began to revive, and
- in about half-an-hour she came to herself, but remembered nothing at
- first of what had happened to her for a good while more.
- When she recovered more fully, she asked me where she was. I told her
- she was in the ship yet, but God knows how long it might be. "Why,
- madam," says she, "is not the storm over?" "No, no," says I, "Amy."
- "Why, madam," says she, "it was calm just now" (meaning when she was in
- the swooning fit occasioned by her fall). "Calm, Amy!" says I. "'Tis far
- from calm. It may be it will be calm by-and-by, when we are all drowned
- and gone to heaven."
- "Heaven, madam!" says she. "What makes you talk so? Heaven! I go to
- heaven! No, no; if I am drowned I am damned! Don't you know what a
- wicked creature I have been? I have been a whore to two men, and have
- lived a wretched, abominable life of vice and wickedness for fourteen
- years. Oh, madam! you know it, and God knows it, and now I am to die--to
- be drowned! Oh! what will become of me? I am undone for ever!--ay,
- madam, for ever! to all eternity! Oh! I am lost! I am lost! If I am
- drowned, I am lost for ever!"
- All these, you will easily suppose, must be so many stabs into the very
- soul of one in my own case. It immediately occurred to me, "Poor Amy!
- what art thou that I am not? What hast thou been that I have not been?
- Nay, I am guilty of my own sin and thine too." Then it came to my
- remembrance that I had not only been the same with Amy, but that I had
- been the devil's instrument to make her wicked; that I had stripped her,
- and prostituted her to the very man that I had been naught with myself;
- that she had but followed me, I had been her wicked example; and I had
- led her into all; and that, as we had sinned together, now we were
- likely to sink together.
- All this repeated itself to my thoughts at that very moment, and every
- one of Amy's cries sounded thus in my ears: "I am the wicked cause of it
- all! I have been thy ruin, Amy! I have brought thee to this, and now
- thou art to suffer for the sin I have enticed thee to! And if thou art
- lost for ever, what must I be? what must be my portion?"
- It is true this difference was between us, that I said all these things
- within myself, and sighed and mourned inwardly; but Amy, as her temper
- was more violent, spoke aloud, and cried, and called out aloud, like one
- in agony.
- I had but small encouragement to give her, and indeed could say but very
- little, but I got her to compose herself a little, and not let any of
- the people of the ship understand what she meant or what she said; but
- even in her greatest composure she continued to express herself with the
- utmost dread and terror on account of the wicked life she had lived,
- crying out she should be damned, and the like, which was very terrible
- to me, who knew what condition I was in myself.
- Upon these serious considerations, I was very penitent too for my former
- sins, and cried out, though softly, two or three times, "Lord, have
- mercy upon me!" To this I added abundance of resolutions of what a life
- I would live if it should please God but to spare my life but this one
- time; how I would live a single and a virtuous life, and spend a great
- deal of what I had thus wickedly got in acts of charity and doing good.
- Under these dreadful apprehensions I looked back on the life I had led
- with the utmost contempt and abhorrence. I blushed, and wondered at
- myself how I could act thus, how I could divest myself of modesty and
- honour, and prostitute myself for gain; and I thought, if ever it should
- please God to spare me this one time from death, it would not be
- possible that I should be the same creature again.
- Amy went farther; she prayed, she resolved, she vowed to lead a new
- life, if God would spare her but this time. It now began to be daylight,
- for the storm held all night long, and it was some comfort to see the
- light of another day, which none of us expected; but the sea went
- mountains high, and the noise of the water was as frightful to us as the
- sight of the waves; nor was any land to be seen, nor did the seamen know
- whereabout they were. At last, to our great joy, they made land, which
- was in England, and on the coast of Suffolk; and the ship being in the
- utmost distress, they ran for the shore at all hazards, and with great
- difficulty got into Harwich, where they were safe, as to the danger of
- death; but the ship was so full of water and so much damaged that if
- they had not laid her on shore the same day she would have sunk before
- night, according to the opinion of the seamen, and of the workmen on
- shore too who were hired to assist them in stopping their leaks.
- Amy was revived as soon as she heard they had espied land, and went out
- upon the deck; but she soon came in again to me. "Oh, madam!" says she,
- "there's the land indeed to be seen. It looks like a ridge of clouds,
- and may be all a cloud for aught I know; but if it be land, 'tis a
- great way off, and the sea is in such a combustion, we shall all perish
- before we can reach it. 'Tis the dreadfullest sight to look at the
- waves that ever was seen. Why, they are as high as mountains; we shall
- certainly be all swallowed up, for all the land is so near."
- I had conceived some hope that, if they saw land, we should be
- delivered; and I told her she did not understand things of that nature;
- that she might be sure if they saw land they would go directly towards
- it, and would make into some harbour; but it was, as Amy said, a
- frightful distance to it. The land looked like clouds, and the sea went
- as high as mountains, so that no hope appeared in the seeing the land,
- but we were in fear of foundering before we could reach it. This made
- Amy so desponding still; but as the wind, which blew from the east, or
- that way, drove us furiously towards the land, so when, about
- half-an-hour after, I stepped to the steerage-door and looked out, I saw
- the land much nearer than Amy represented it; so I went in and
- encouraged Amy again, and indeed was encouraged myself.
- In about an hour, or something more, we saw, to our infinite
- satisfaction, the open harbour of Harwich, and the vessel standing
- directly towards it, and in a few minutes more the ship was in smooth
- water, to our inexpressible comfort; and thus I had, though against my
- will and contrary to my true interest, what I wished for, to be driven
- away to England, though it was by a storm.
- Nor did this incident do either Amy or me much service, for, the danger
- being over, the fears of death vanished with it; ay, and our fear of
- what was beyond death also. Our sense of the life we had lived went off,
- and with our return to life our wicked taste of life returned, and we
- were both the same as before, if not worse. So certain is it that the
- repentance which is brought about by the mere apprehensions of death
- wears off as those apprehensions wear off, and deathbed repentance, or
- storm repentance, which is much the same, is seldom true.
- However, I do not tell you that this was all at once neither; the fright
- we had at sea lasted a little while afterwards; at least the impression
- was not quite blown off as soon as the storm; especially poor Amy. As
- soon as she set her foot on shore she fell flat upon the ground and
- kissed it, and gave God thanks for her deliverance from the sea; and
- turning to me when she got up, "I hope, madam," says she, "you will
- never go upon the sea again."
- I know not what ailed me, not I; but Amy was much more penitent at sea,
- and much more sensible of her deliverance when she landed and was safe,
- than I was. I was in a kind of stupidity, I know not well what to call
- it; I had a mind full of horror in the time of the storm, and saw death
- before me as plainly as Amy, but my thoughts got no vent, as Amy's did.
- I had a silent, sullen kind of grief, which could not break out either
- in words or tears, and which was therefore much the worse to bear.
- I had a terror upon me for my wicked life past, and firmly believed I
- was going to the bottom, launching into death, where I was to give an
- account of all my past actions; and in this state, and on that account,
- I looked back upon my wickedness with abhorrence, as I have said above,
- but I had no sense of repentance from the true motive of repentance; I
- saw nothing of the corruption of nature, the sin of my life, as an
- offence against God, as a thing odious to the holiness of His being, as
- abusing His mercy and despising His goodness. In short, I had no
- thorough effectual repentance, no sight of my sins in their proper
- shape, no view of a Redeemer, or hope in Him. I had only such a
- repentance as a criminal has at the place of execution, who is sorry,
- not that he has committed the crime, as it is a crime, but sorry that he
- is to be hanged for it.
- It is true Amy's repentance wore off too, as well as mine, but not so
- soon. However, we were both very grave for a time.
- As soon as we could get a boat from the town we went on shore, and
- immediately went to a public-house in the town of Harwich, where we
- were to consider seriously what was to be done, and whether we should go
- up to London or stay till the ship was refitted, which, they said, would
- be a fortnight, and then go for Holland, as we intended, and as business
- required.
- Reason directed that I should go to Holland, for there I had all my
- money to receive, and there I had persons of good reputation and
- character to apply to, having letters to them from the honest Dutch
- merchant at Paris, and they might perhaps give me a recommendation again
- to merchants in London, and so I should get acquaintance with some
- people of figure, which was what I loved; whereas now I knew not one
- creature in the whole city of London, or anywhere else, that I could go
- and make myself known to. Upon these considerations, I resolved to go to
- Holland, whatever came of it.
- But Amy cried and trembled, and was ready to fall into fits, when I did
- but mention going upon the sea again, and begged of me not to go, or if
- I would go, that I would leave her behind, though I was to send her
- a-begging. The people in the inn laughed at her, and jested with her,
- asked her if she had any sins to confess that she was ashamed should be
- heard of, and that she was troubled with an evil conscience; told her,
- if she came to sea, and to be in a storm, if she had lain with her
- master, she would certainly tell her mistress of it, and that it was a
- common thing for poor maids to confess all the young men they had lain
- with; that there was one poor girl that went over with her mistress,
- whose husband was a ......r, in ......, in the city of London, who
- confessed, in the terror of a storm, that she had lain with her master,
- and all the apprentices, so often, and in such-and-such places, and made
- the poor mistress, when she returned to London, fly at her husband, and
- make such a stir as was indeed the ruin of the whole family. Amy could
- bear all that well enough, for though she had indeed lain with her
- master, it was with her mistress's knowledge and consent, and, which was
- worse, was her mistress's own doing. I record it to the reproach of my
- own vice, and to expose the excesses of such wickedness as they deserve
- to be exposed.
- I thought Amy's fear would have been over by that time the ship would be
- gotten ready, but I found the girl was rather worse and worse; and when
- I came to the point that we must go on board or lose the passage, Amy
- was so terrified that she fell into fits; so the ship went away without
- us.
- But my going being absolutely necessary, as above, I was obliged to go
- in the packet-boat some time after, and leave Amy behind at Harwich, but
- with directions to go to London and stay there to receive letters and
- orders from me what to do. Now I was become, from a lady of pleasure, a
- woman of business, and of great business too, I assure you.
- I got me a servant at Harwich to go over with me, who had been at
- Rotterdam, knew the place, and spoke the language, which was a great
- help to me, and away I went. I had a very quick passage and pleasant
- weather, and, coming to Rotterdam, soon found out the merchant to whom I
- was recommended, who received me with extraordinary respect. And first
- he acknowledged the accepted bill for four thousand pistoles, which he
- afterwards paid punctually; other bills that I had also payable at
- Amsterdam he procured to be received for me; and whereas one of the
- bills for one thousand two hundred crowns was protested at Amsterdam, he
- paid it me himself, for the honour of the indorser, as he called it,
- which was my friend the merchant at Paris.
- There I entered into a negotiation by his means for my jewels, and he
- brought me several jewellers to look on them, and particularly one to
- value them, and to tell me what every particular was worth. This was a
- man who had great skill in jewels, but did not trade at that time, and
- he was desired by the gentleman that I was with to see that I might not
- be imposed upon.
- All this work took me up near half a year, and by managing my business
- thus myself, and having large sums to do with, I became as expert in it
- as any she-merchant of them all. I had credit in the bank for a large
- sum of money, and bills and notes for much more.
- After I had been here about three months, my maid Amy writes me word
- that she had received a letter from her friend, as she called him. That,
- by the way, was the prince's gentleman, that had been Amy's
- extraordinary friend indeed, for Amy owned to me he had lain with her a
- hundred times, that is to say, as often as he pleased, and perhaps in
- the eight years which that affair lasted it might be a great deal
- oftener. This was what she called her friend, who she corresponded with
- upon this particular subject, and, among other things, sent her this
- particular news, that my extraordinary friend, my real husband, who rode
- in the _gens d'armes_, was dead, that he was killed in a rencounter, as
- they call it, or accidental scuffle among the troopers; and so the jade
- congratulated me upon my being now a real free woman. "And now, madam,"
- says she at the end of her letter, "you have nothing to do but to come
- hither and set up a coach and a good equipage, and if beauty and a good
- fortune won't make you a duchess, nothing will." But I had not fixed my
- measures yet. I had no inclination to be a wife again. I had had such
- bad luck with my first husband, I hated the thoughts of it. I found
- that a wife is treated with indifference, a mistress with a strong
- passion; a wife is looked upon as but an upper servant, a mistress is a
- sovereign; a wife must give up all she has, have every reserve she makes
- for herself be thought hard of, and be upbraided with her very
- pin-money, whereas a mistress makes the saying true, that what the man
- has is hers, and what she has is her own; the wife bears a thousand
- insults, and is forced to sit still and bear it, or part, and be undone;
- a mistress insulted helps herself immediately, and takes another.
- These were my wicked arguments for whoring, for I never set against them
- the difference another way--I may say, every other way; how that, first,
- a wife appears boldly and honourably with her husband, lives at home,
- and possesses his house, his servants, his equipages, and has a right to
- them all, and to call them her own; entertains his friends, owns his
- children, and has the return of duty and affection from them, as they
- are here her own, and claims upon his estate, by the custom of England,
- if he dies and leaves her a widow.
- The whore skulks about in lodgings, is visited in the dark, disowned
- upon all occasions before God and man; is maintained, indeed, for a
- time, but is certainly condemned to be abandoned at last, and left to
- the miseries of fate and her own just disaster. If she has any
- children, her endeavour is to get rid of them, and not maintain them;
- and if she lives, she is certain to see them all hate her, and be
- ashamed of her. While the vice rages, and the man is in the devil's
- hand, she has him; and while she has him, she makes a prey of him; but
- if he happens to fall sick, if any disaster befalls him, the cause of
- all lies upon her. He is sure to lay all his misfortunes at her door;
- and if once he comes to repentance, or makes but one step towards a
- reformation, he begins with her--leaves her, uses her as she deserves,
- hates her, abhors her, and sees her no more; and that with this
- never-failing addition, namely, that the more sincere and unfeigned his
- repentance is, the more earnestly he looks up, and the more effectually
- he looks in, the more his aversion to her increases, and he curses her
- from the bottom of his soul; nay, it must be a kind of excess of charity
- if he so much as wishes God may forgive her.
- The opposite circumstances of a wife and whore are such and so many, and
- I have since seen the difference with such eyes, as I could dwell upon
- the subject a great while; but my business is history. I had a long
- scene of folly yet to run over. Perhaps the moral of all my story may
- bring me back again to this part, and if it does I shall speak of it
- fully.
- While I continued in Holland I received several letters from my friend
- (so I had good reason to call him) the merchant in Paris, in which he
- gave me a farther account of the conduct of that rogue the Jew, and how
- he acted after I was gone; how impatient he was while the said merchant
- kept him in suspense, expecting me to come again; and how he raged when
- he found I came no more.
- It seems, after he found I did not come, he found out by his unwearied
- inquiry where I had lived, and that I had been kept as a mistress by
- some great person; but he could never learn by who, except that he
- learnt the colour of his livery. In pursuit of this inquiry he guessed
- at the right person, but could not make it out, or offer any positive
- proof of it; but he found out the prince's gentleman, and talked so
- saucily to him of it that the gentleman treated him, as the French call
- it, _à coup de baton_--that is to say, caned him very severely, as he
- deserved; and that not satisfying him, or curing his insolence, he was
- met one night late upon the Pont Neuf, in Paris, by two men, who,
- muffling him up in a great cloak, carried him into a more private place
- and cut off both his ears, telling him it was for talking impudently of
- his superiors; adding that he should take care to govern his tongue
- better and behave with more manners, or the next time they would cut his
- tongue out of his head.
- This put a check to his sauciness that way; but he comes back to the
- merchant and threatened to begin a process against him for corresponding
- with me, and being accessory to the murder of the jeweller, &c.
- The merchant found by his discourse that he supposed I was protected by
- the said Prince de ----; nay, the rogue said he was sure I was in his
- lodgings at Versailles, for he never had so much as the least intimation
- of the way I was really gone; but that I was there he was certain, and
- certain that the merchant was privy to it. The merchant bade him
- defiance. However, he gave him a great deal of trouble and put him to a
- great charge, and had like to have brought him in for a party to my
- escape; in which case he would have been obliged to have produced me,
- and that in the penalty of some capital sum of money.
- But the merchant was too many for him another way, for he brought an
- information against him for a cheat; wherein laying down the whole fact,
- how he intended falsely to accuse the widow of the jeweller for the
- supposed murder of her husband; that he did it purely to get the jewels
- from her; and that he offered to bring him (the merchant) in, to be
- confederate with him, and to share the jewels between them; proving also
- his design to get the jewels into his hands, and then to have dropped
- the prosecution upon condition of my quitting the jewels to him. Upon
- this charge he got him laid by the heels; so he was sent to the
- Conciergerie--that is to say, to Bridewell--and the merchant cleared. He
- got out of jail in a little while, though not without the help of money,
- and continued teasing the merchant a long while, and at last threatening
- to assassinate and murder him. So the merchant, who, having buried his
- wife about two months before, was now a single man, and not knowing what
- such a villain might do, thought fit to quit Paris, and came away to
- Holland also.
- It is most certain that, speaking of originals, I was the source and
- spring of all that trouble and vexation to this honest gentleman; and as
- it was afterwards in my power to have made him full satisfaction, and
- did not, I cannot say but I added ingratitude to all the rest of my
- follies; but of that I shall give a fuller account presently.
- I was surprised one morning, when, being at the merchant's house who he
- had recommended me to in Rotterdam, and being busy in his
- counting-house, managing my bills, and preparing to write a letter to
- him to Paris, I heard a noise of horses at the door, which is not very
- common in a city where everybody passes by water; but he had, it seems,
- ferried over the Maas from Willemstadt, and so came to the very door,
- and I, looking towards the door upon hearing the horses, saw a gentleman
- alight and come in at the gate. I knew nothing, and expected nothing,
- to be sure, of the person; but, as I say, was surprised, and indeed more
- than ordinarily surprised, when, coming nearer to me, I saw it was my
- merchant of Paris, my benefactor, and indeed my deliverer.
- I confess it was an agreeable surprise to me, and I was exceeding glad
- to see him, who was so honourable and so kind to me, and who indeed had
- saved my life. As soon as he saw me he ran to me, took me in his arms,
- and kissed me with a freedom that he never offered to take with me
- before. "Dear Madam ----," says he, "I am glad to see you safe in this
- country; if you had stayed two days longer in Paris you had been
- undone." I was so glad to see him that I could not speak a good while,
- and I burst out into tears without speaking a word for a minute; but I
- recovered that disorder, and said, "The more, sir, is my obligation to
- you that saved my life;" and added, "I am glad to see you here, that I
- may consider how to balance an account in which I am so much your
- debtor." "You and I will adjust that matter easily," says he, "now we
- are so near together. Pray where do you lodge?" says he.
- "In a very honest, good house," said I, "where that gentleman, your
- friend, recommended me," pointing to the merchant in whose house we then
- were.
- "And where you may lodge too, sir," says the gentleman, "if it suits
- with your business and your other conveniency."
- "With all my heart," says he. "Then, madam," adds he, turning to me, "I
- shall be near you, and have time to tell you a story which will be very
- long, and yet many ways very pleasant to you; how troublesome that
- devilish fellow, the Jew, has been to me on your account, and what a
- hellish snare he had laid for you, if he could have found you."
- "I shall have leisure too, sir," said I, "to tell you all my adventures
- since that, which have not been a few, I assure you."
- In short, he took up his lodgings in the same house where I lodged, and
- the room he lay in opened, as he was wishing it would, just opposite to
- my lodging-room, so we could almost call out of bed to one another; and
- I was not at all shy of him on that score, for I believed him perfectly
- honest, and so indeed he was; and if he had not, that article was at
- present no part of my concern.
- It was not till two or three days, and after his first hurries of
- business were over, that we began to enter into the history of our
- affairs on every side, but when we began, it took up all our
- conversation for almost a fortnight. First, I gave him a particular
- account of everything that happened material upon my voyage, and how we
- were driven into Harwich by a very terrible storm; how I had left my
- woman behind me, so frighted with the danger she had been in that she
- durst not venture to set her foot into a ship again any more, and that I
- had not come myself if the bills I had of him had not been payable in
- Holland; but that money, he might see, would make a woman go anywhere.
- He seemed to laugh at all our womanish fears upon the occasion of the
- storm, telling me it was nothing but what was very ordinary in those
- seas, but that they had harbours on every coast so near that they were
- seldom in danger of being lost indeed. "For," says he, "if they cannot
- fetch one coast, they can always stand away for another, and run afore
- it," as he called it, "for one side or other." But when I came to tell
- him what a crazy ship it was, and how, even when they got into Harwich,
- and into smooth water, they were fain to run the ship on shore, or she
- would have sunk in the very harbour; and when I told him that when I
- looked out at the cabin-door I saw the Dutchmen, one upon his knees
- here, and another there, at their prayers, then indeed he acknowledged I
- had reason to be alarmed; but, smiling, he added, "But you, madam," says
- he, "are so good a lady, and so pious, you would but have gone to heaven
- a little the sooner; the difference had not been much to you."
- I confess when he said this it made all the blood turn in my veins, and
- I thought I should have fainted. "Poor gentleman," thought I, "you know
- little of me. What would I give to be really what you really think me to
- be!" He perceived the disorder, but said nothing till I spoke; when,
- shaking my head, "Oh, sir!" said I, "death in any shape has some terror
- in it, but in the frightful figure of a storm at sea and a sinking ship,
- it comes with a double, a treble, and indeed an inexpressible horror;
- and if I were that saint you think me to be (which God knows I am not),
- it is still very dismal. I desire to die in a calm, if I can." He said a
- great many good things, and very prettily ordered his discourse between
- serious reflection and compliment, but I had too much guilt to relish it
- as it was meant, so I turned it off to something else, and talked of the
- necessity I had on me to come to Holland, but I wished myself safe on
- shore in England again.
- He told me he was glad I had such an obligation upon me to come over
- into Holland, however, but hinted that he was so interested in my
- welfare, and, besides, had such further designs upon me, that if I had
- not so happily been found in Holland he was resolved to have gone to
- England to see me, and that it was one of the principal reasons of his
- leaving Paris.
- I told him I was extremely obliged to him for so far interesting himself
- in my affairs, but that I had been so far his debtor before that I knew
- not how anything could increase the debt; for I owed my life to him
- already, and I could not be in debt for anything more valuable than
- that. He answered in the most obliging manner possible, that he would
- put it in my power to pay that debt, and all the obligations besides
- that ever he had, or should be able to lay upon me.
- I began to understand him now, and to see plainly that he resolved to
- make love to me, but I would by no means seem to take the hint; and,
- besides, I knew that he had a wife with him in Paris; and I had, just
- then at least, no gust to any more intriguing. However, he surprised me
- into a sudden notice of the thing a little while after by saying
- something in his discourse that he did, as he said, in his wife's days.
- I started at that word, "What mean you by that, sir?" said I. "Have you
- not a wife at Paris?" "No, madam, indeed," said he; "my wife died the
- beginning of September last," which, it seems, was but a little after I
- came away.
- We lived in the same house all this while, and as we lodged not far off
- of one another, opportunities were not wanting of as near an
- acquaintance as we might desire; nor have such opportunities the least
- agency in vicious minds to bring to pass even what they might not intend
- at first.
- However, though he courted so much at a distance, yet his pretensions
- were very honourable; and as I had before found him a most
- disinterested friend, and perfectly honest in his dealings, even when I
- trusted him with all I had, so now I found him strictly virtuous, till I
- made him otherwise myself, even almost whether he would or no, as you
- shall hear.
- It was not long after our former discourse, when he repeated what he had
- insinuated before, namely, that he had yet a design to lay before me,
- which, if I would agree to his proposals, would more than balance all
- accounts between us. I told him I could not reasonably deny him
- anything; and except one thing, which I hoped and believed he would not
- think of, I should think myself very ungrateful if I did not do
- everything for him that lay in my power.
- He told me what he should desire of me would be fully in my power to
- grant, or else he should be very unfriendly to offer it; and still all
- this while he declined making the proposal, as he called it, and so for
- that time we ended our discourse, turning it off to other things. So
- that, in short, I began to think he might have met with some disaster in
- his business, and might have come away from Paris in some discredit, or
- had had some blow on his affairs in general; and as really I had
- kindness enough to have parted with a good sum to have helped him, and
- was in gratitude bound to have done so, he having so effectually saved
- to me all I had, so I resolved to make him the offer the first time I
- had an opportunity, which two or three days after offered itself, very
- much to my satisfaction.
- He had told me at large, though on several occasions, the treatment he
- had met with from the Jew, and what expense he had put him to; how at
- length he had cast him, as above, and had recovered good damage of him,
- but that the rogue was unable to make him any considerable reparation.
- He had told me also how the Prince de ----'s gentleman had resented his
- treatment of his master, and how he had caused him to be used upon the
- Pont Neuf, &c., as I have mentioned above, which I laughed at most
- heartily.
- "It is a pity," said I, "that I should sit here and make that gentleman
- no amends; if you would direct me, sir," said I, "how to do it, I would
- make him a handsome present, and acknowledge the justice he had done to
- me, as well as to the prince, his master." He said he would do what I
- directed in it; so I told him I would send him five hundred crowns.
- "That's too much," said he, "for you are but half interested in the
- usage of the Jew; it was on his master's account he corrected him, not
- on yours." Well, however, we were obliged to do nothing in it, for
- neither of us knew how to direct a letter to him, or to direct anybody
- to him; so I told him I would leave it till I came to England, for that
- my woman, Amy, corresponded with him, and that he had made love to her.
- "Well, but, sir," said I, "as, in requital for his generous concern for
- me, I am careful to think of him, it is but just that what expense you
- have been obliged to be at, which was all on my account, should be
- repaid you; and therefore," said I, "let me see--." And there I paused,
- and began to reckon up what I had observed, from his own discourse, it
- had cost him in the several disputes and hearings which he had with that
- dog of a Jew, and I cast them up at something above 2130 crowns; so I
- pulled out some bills which I had upon a merchant in Amsterdam, and a
- particular account in bank, and was looking on them in order to give
- them to him; when he, seeing evidently what I was going about,
- interrupted me with some warmth, and told me he would have nothing of me
- on that account, and desired I would not pull out my bills and papers on
- that score; that he had not told me the story on that account, or with
- any such view; that it had been his misfortune first to bring that ugly
- rogue to me, which, though it was with a good design, yet he would
- punish himself with the expense he had been at for his being so unlucky
- to me; that I could not think so hard of him as to suppose he would take
- money of me, a widow, for serving me, and doing acts of kindness to me
- in a strange country, and in distress too; but he said he would repeat
- what he had said before, that he kept me for a deeper reckoning, and
- that, as he had told me, he would put me into a posture to even all that
- favour, as I called it, at once, so we should talk it over another time,
- and balance all together.
- Now I expected it would come out, but still he put it off, as before,
- from whence I concluded it could not be matter of love, for that those
- things are not usually delayed in such a manner, and therefore it must
- be matter of money. Upon which thought I broke the silence, and told
- him, that as he knew I had, by obligation, more kindness for him than to
- deny any favour to him that I could grant, and that he seemed backward
- to mention his case, I begged leave of him to give me leave to ask him
- whether anything lay upon his mind with respect to his business and
- effects in the world; that if it did, he knew what I had in the world as
- well as I did, and that, if he wanted money, I would let him have any
- sum for his occasion, as far as five or six thousand pistoles, and he
- should pay me as his own affairs would permit; and that, if he never
- paid me, I would assure him that I would never give him any trouble for
- it.
- He rose up with ceremony, and gave me thanks in terms that sufficiently
- told me he had been bred among people more polite and more courteous
- than is esteemed the ordinary usage of the Dutch; and after his
- compliment was over he came nearer to me, and told me he was obliged to
- assure me, though with repeated acknowledgments of my kind offer, that
- he was not in any want of money; that he had met with no uneasiness in
- any of his affairs--no, not of any kind whatever, except that of the
- loss of his wife and one of his children, which indeed had troubled him
- much; but that this was no part of what he had to offer me, and by
- granting which I should balance all obligations; but that, in short, it
- was that, seeing Providence had (as it were for that purpose) taken his
- wife from him, I would make up the loss to him; and with that he held me
- fast in his arms, and, kissing me, would not give me leave to say no,
- and hardly to breathe.
- At length, having got room to speak, I told him that, as I had said
- before, I could deny him but one thing in the world; I was very sorry he
- should propose that thing only that I could not grant.
- I could not but smile, however, to myself that he should make so many
- circles and roundabout motions to come at a discourse which had no such
- rarity at the bottom of it, if he had known all. But there was another
- reason why I resolved not to have him, when, at the same time, if he had
- courted me in a manner less honest or virtuous, I believe I should not
- have denied him; but I shall come to that part presently.
- He was, as I have said, long a-bringing it out, but when he had brought
- it out he pursued it with such importunities as would admit of no
- denial; at least he intended they should not; but I resisted them
- obstinately, and yet with expressions of the utmost kindness and respect
- for him that could be imagined, often telling him there was nothing else
- in the world that I could deny him, and showing him all the respect, and
- upon all occasions treating him with intimacy and freedom, as if he had
- been my brother.
- He tried all the ways imaginable to bring his design to pass, but I was
- inflexible. At last he thought of a way which, he flattered himself,
- would not fail; nor would he have been mistaken, perhaps, in any other
- woman in the world but me. This was, to try if he could take me at an
- advantage and get to bed to me, and then, as was most rational to think,
- I should willingly enough marry him afterwards.
- We were so intimate together that nothing but man and wife could, or at
- least ought, to be more; but still our freedoms kept within the bounds
- of modesty and decency. But one evening, above all the rest, we were
- very merry, and I fancied he pushed the mirth to watch for his
- advantage, and I resolved that I would at least feign to be as merry as
- he; and that, in short, if he offered anything he should have his will
- easily enough.
- About one o'clock in the morning--for so long we sat up together--I
- said, "Come, 'tis one o'clock; I must go to bed." "Well," says he, "I'll
- go with you." "No, no;" says I; "go to your own chamber." He said he
- would go to bed with me. "Nay," says I, "if you will, I don't know what
- to say; if I can't help it, you must." However, I got from him, left
- him, and went into my chamber, but did not shut the door, and as he
- could easily see that I was undressing myself, he steps to his own room,
- which was but on the same floor, and in a few minutes undresses himself
- also, and returns to my door in his gown and slippers.
- I thought he had been gone indeed, and so that he had been in jest; and,
- by the way, thought either he had no mind to the thing, or that he never
- intended it; so I shut my door--that is, latched it, for I seldom locked
- or bolted it--and went to bed. I had not been in bed a minute but he
- comes in his gown to the door and opens it a little way, but not enough
- to come in or look in, and says softly, "What! are you really gone to
- bed?" "Yes, yes," says I; "get you gone." "No, indeed," says he, "I
- shall not be gone; you gave me leave before to come to bed, and you
- shan't say 'Get you gone' now." So he comes into my room, and then
- turns about and fastens the door, and immediately comes to the bedside
- to me. I pretended to scold and struggle, and bid him begone with more
- warmth than before; but it was all one; he had not a rag of clothes on
- but his gown and slippers and shirt, so he throws off his gown, and
- throws open the bed, and came in at once.
- I made a seeming resistance, but it was no more indeed; for, as above, I
- resolved from the beginning he should lie with me if he would, and, for
- the rest, I left it to come after.
- Well, he lay with me that night, and the two next, and very merry we
- were all the three days between; but the third night he began to be a
- little more grave. "Now, my dear," says he, "though I have pushed this
- matter farther than ever I intended, or than I believe you expected from
- me, who never made any pretences to you but what were very honest, yet
- to heal it all up, and let you see how sincerely I meant at first, and
- how honest I will ever be to you, I am ready to marry you still, and
- desire you to let it be done to-morrow morning; and I will give you the
- same fair conditions of marriage as I would have done before."
- This, it must be owned, was a testimony that he was very honest, and
- that he loved me sincerely; but I construed it quite another way,
- namely, that he aimed at the money. But how surprised did he look, and
- how was he confounded, when he found me receive his proposal with
- coldness and indifference, and still tell him that it was the only thing
- I could not grant!
- He was astonished. "What! not take me now," says he, "when I have been
- abed with you!" I answered coldly, though respectfully still, "It is
- true, to my shame be it spoken," says I, "that you have taken me by
- surprise, and have had your will of me; but I hope you will not take it
- ill that I cannot consent to marry for all that. If I am with child,"
- said I, "care must be taken to manage that as you shall direct; I hope
- you won't expose me for my having exposed myself to you, but I cannot go
- any farther." And at that point I stood, and would hear of no matrimony
- by any means.
- Now, because this may seem a little odd, I shall state the matter
- clearly, as I understood it myself. I knew that, while I was a mistress,
- it is customary for the person kept to receive from them that keep; but
- if I should be a wife, all I had then was given up to the husband, and I
- was henceforth to be under his authority only; and as I had money
- enough, and needed not fear being what they call a cast-off mistress, so
- I had no need to give him twenty thousand pounds to marry me, which had
- been buying my lodging too dear a great deal.
- Thus his project of coming to bed to me was a bite upon himself, while
- he intended it for a bite upon me; and he was no nearer his aim of
- marrying me than he was before. All his arguments he could urge upon the
- subject of matrimony were at an end, for I positively declined marrying
- him; and as he had refused the thousand pistoles which I had offered him
- in compensation for his expenses and loss at Paris with the Jew, and had
- done it upon the hopes he had of marrying me, so when he found his way
- difficult still, he was amazed, and, I had some reason to believe,
- repented that he had refused the money.
- But thus it is when men run into wicked measures to bring their designs
- about. I, that was infinitely obliged to him before, began to talk to
- him as if I had balanced accounts with him now, and that the favour of
- lying with a whore was equal, not to the thousand pistoles only, but to
- all the debt I owed him for saving my life and all my effects.
- But he drew himself into it, and though it was a dear bargain, yet it
- was a bargain of his own making; he could not say I had tricked him into
- it. But as he projected and drew me in to lie with him, depending that
- was a sure game in order to a marriage, so I granted him the favour, as
- he called it, to balance the account of favours received from him, and
- keep the thousand pistoles with a good grace.
- He was extremely disappointed in this article, and knew not how to
- manage for a great while; and as I dare say, if he had not expected to
- have made it an earnest for marrying me, he would not have attempted me
- the other way, so, I believed, if it had not been for the money which he
- knew I had, he would never have desired to marry me after he had lain
- with me. For where is the man that cares to marry a whore, though of his
- own making? And as I knew him to be no fool, so I did him no wrong when
- I supposed that, but for the money, he would not have had any thoughts
- of me that way, especially after my yielding as I had done; in which it
- is to be remembered that I made no capitulation for marrying him when I
- yielded to him, but let him do just what he pleased, without any
- previous bargain.
- Well, hitherto we went upon guesses at one another's designs; but as he
- continued to importune me to marry, though he had lain with me, and
- still did lie with me as often as he pleased, and I continued to refuse
- to marry him, though I let him lie with me whenever he desired it; I
- say, as these two circumstances made up our conversation, it could not
- continue long thus, but we must come to an explanation.
- One morning, in the middle of our unlawful freedoms--that is to say,
- when we were in bed together--he sighed, and told me he desired my
- leave to ask me one question, and that I would give him an answer to it
- with the same ingenious freedom and honesty that I had used to treat him
- with. I told him I would. Why, then, his question was, why I would not
- marry him, seeing I allowed him all the freedom of a husband. "Or," says
- he, "my dear, since you have been so kind as to take me to your bed, why
- will you not make me your own, and take me for good and all, that we may
- enjoy ourselves without any reproach to one another?"
- I told him, that as I confessed it was the only thing I could not comply
- with him in, so it was the only thing in all my actions that I could not
- give him a reason for; that it was true I had let him come to bed to me,
- which was supposed to be the greatest favour a woman could grant; but it
- was evident, and he might see it, that, as I was sensible of the
- obligation I was under to him for saving me from the worst circumstance
- it was possible for me to be brought to, I could deny him nothing; and
- if I had had any greater favour to yield him, I should have done it,
- that of matrimony only excepted, and he could not but see that I loved
- him to an extraordinary degree, in every part of my behaviour to him;
- but that as to marrying, which was giving up my liberty, it was what
- once he knew I had done, and he had seen how it had hurried me up and
- down in the world, and what it had exposed me to; that I had an aversion
- to it, and desired he would not insist upon it. He might easily see I
- had no aversion to him; and that, if I was with child by him, he should
- see a testimony of my kindness to the father, for that I would settle
- all I had in the world upon the child.
- He was mute a good while. At last says he, "Come, my dear, you are the
- first woman in the world that ever lay with a man and then refused to
- marry him, and therefore there must be some other reason for your
- refusal; and I have therefore one other request, and that is, if I guess
- at the true reason, and remove the objection, will you then yield to
- me?" I told him if he removed the objection I must needs comply, for I
- should certainly do everything that I had no objection against.
- "Why then, my dear, it must be that either you are already engaged or
- married to some other man, or you are not willing to dispose of your
- money to me, and expect to advance yourself higher with your fortune.
- Now, if it be the first of these, my mouth will be stopped, and I have
- no more to say; but if it be the last, I am prepared effectually to
- remove the objection, and answer all you can say on that subject."
- I took him up short at the first of these, telling him he must have base
- thoughts of me indeed, to think that I could yield to him in such a
- manner as I had done, and continue it with so much freedom as he found I
- did, if I had a husband or were engaged to any other man; and that he
- might depend upon it that was not my case, nor any part of my case.
- "Why then," said he, "as to the other, I have an offer to make to you
- that shall take off all the objection, viz., that I will not touch one
- pistole of your estate more than shall be with your own voluntary
- consent, neither now or at any other time, but you shall settle it as
- you please for your life, and upon who you please after your death;"
- that I should see he was able to maintain me without it, and that it was
- not for that that he followed me from Paris.
- I was indeed surprised at that part of his offer, and he might easily
- perceive it; it was not only what I did not expect, but it was what I
- knew not what answer to make to. He had, indeed, removed my principal
- objection--nay, all my objections, and it was not possible for me to
- give any answer; for, if upon so generous an offer I should agree with
- him, I then did as good as confess that it was upon the account of my
- money that I refused him; and that though I could give up my virtue and
- expose myself, yet I would not give up my money, which, though it was
- true, yet was really too gross for me to acknowledge, and I could not
- pretend to marry him upon that principle neither. Then as to having
- him, and make over all my estate out of his hands, so as not to give him
- the management of what I had, I thought it would be not only a little
- Gothic and inhuman, but would be always a foundation of unkindness
- between us, and render us suspected one to another; so that, upon the
- whole, I was obliged to give a new turn to it, and talk upon a kind of
- an elevated strain, which really was not in my thoughts, at first, at
- all; for I own, as above, the divesting myself of my estate and putting
- my money out of my hand was the sum of the matter that made me refuse to
- marry; but, I say, I gave it a new turn upon this occasion, as
- follows:--
- I told him I had, perhaps, different notions of matrimony from what the
- received custom had given us of it; that I thought a woman was a free
- agent as well as a man, and was born free, and, could she manage herself
- suitably, might enjoy that liberty to as much purpose as the men do;
- that the laws of matrimony were indeed otherwise, and mankind at this
- time acted quite upon other principles, and those such that a woman gave
- herself entirely away from herself, in marriage, and capitulated, only
- to be, at best, but an upper servant, and from the time she took the man
- she was no better or worse than the servant among the Israelites, who
- had his ears bored--that is, nailed to the door-post--who by that act
- gave himself up to be a servant during life; that the very nature of the
- marriage contract was, in short, nothing but giving up liberty, estate,
- authority, and everything to the man, and the woman was indeed a mere
- woman ever after--that is to say, a slave.
- He replied, that though in some respects it was as I had said, yet I
- ought to consider that, as an equivalent to this, the man had all the
- care of things devolved upon him; that the weight of business lay upon
- his shoulders, and as he had the trust, so he had the toil of life upon
- him; his was the labour, his the anxiety of living; that the woman had
- nothing to do but to eat the fat and drink the sweet; to sit still and
- look around her, be waited on and made much of, be served and loved and
- made easy, especially if the husband acted as became him; and that, in
- general, the labour of the man was appointed to make the woman live
- quiet and unconcerned in the world; that they had the name of subjection
- without the thing; and if in inferior families they had the drudgery of
- the house and care of the provisions upon them, yet they had indeed much
- the easier part; for, in general, the women had only the care of
- managing--that is, spending what their husbands get; and that a woman
- had the name of subjection, indeed, but that they generally commanded,
- not the men only, but all they had; managed all for themselves; and
- where the man did his duty, the woman's life was all ease and
- tranquillity, and that she had nothing to do but to be easy, and to make
- all that were about her both easy and merry.
- I returned, that while a woman was single, she was a masculine in her
- politic capacity; that she had then the full command of what she had,
- and the full direction of what she did; that she was a man in her
- separate capacity, to all intents and purposes that a man could be so to
- himself; that she was controlled by none, because accountable to none,
- and was in subjection to none. So I sung these two lines of Mr. ----'s:--
- "Oh! 'tis pleasant to be free,
- The sweetest Miss is Liberty."
- I added, that whoever the woman was that had an estate, and would give
- it up to be the slave of a great man, that woman was a fool, and must be
- fit for nothing but a beggar; that it was my opinion a woman was as fit
- to govern and enjoy her own estate without a man as a man was without a
- woman; and that, if she had a mind to gratify herself as to sexes, she
- might entertain a man as a man does a mistress; that while she was thus
- single she was her own, and if she gave away that power she merited to
- be as miserable as it was possible that any creature could be.
- All he could say could not answer the force of this as to argument;
- only this, that the other way was the ordinary method that the world was
- guided by; that he had reason to expect I should be content with that
- which all the world was contented with; that he was of the opinion that
- a sincere affection between a man and his wife answered all the
- objections that I had made about the being a slave, a servant, and the
- like; and where there was a mutual love there could be no bondage, but
- that there was but one interest, one aim, one design, and all conspired
- to make both very happy.
- "Ay," said I, "that is the thing I complain of. The pretence of
- affection takes from a woman everything that can be called herself; she
- is to have no interest, no aim, no view; but all is the interest, aim,
- and view of the husband; she is to be the passive creature you spoke
- of," said I. "She is to lead a life of perfect indolence, and living by
- faith, not in God, but in her husband, she sinks or swims, as he is
- either fool or wise man, unhappy or prosperous; and in the middle of
- what she thinks is her happiness and prosperity, she is engulfed in
- misery and beggary, which she had not the least notice, knowledge, or
- suspicion of. How often have I seen a woman living in all the splendour
- that a plentiful fortune ought to allow her, with her coaches and
- equipages, her family and rich furniture, her attendants and friends,
- her visitors and good company, all about her to-day; to-morrow
- surprised with a disaster, turned out of all by a commission of
- bankrupt, stripped to the clothes on her back; her jointure, suppose she
- had it, is sacrificed to the creditors so long as her husband lived, and
- she turned into the street, and left to live on the charity of her
- friends, if she has any, or follow the monarch, her husband, into the
- Mint, and live there on the wreck of his fortunes, till he is forced to
- run away from her even there; and then she sees her children starve,
- herself miserable, breaks her heart, and cries herself to death! This,"
- says I, "is the state of many a lady that has had £10,000 to her
- portion."
- He did not know how feelingly I spoke this, and what extremities I had
- gone through of this kind; how near I was to the very last article
- above, viz., crying myself to death; and how I really starved for almost
- two years together.
- But he shook his head, and said, where had I lived? and what dreadful
- families had I lived among, that had frighted me into such terrible
- apprehensions of things? that these things indeed might happen where men
- run into hazardous things in trade, and, without prudence or due
- consideration, launched their fortunes in a degree beyond their
- strength, grasping at adventures beyond their stocks, and the like; but
- that, as he was stated in the world, if I would embark with him, he had
- a fortune equal with mine; that together we should have no occasion of
- engaging in business any more, but that in any part of the world where I
- had a mind to live, whether England, France, Holland, or where I would,
- we might settle, and live as happily as the world could make any one
- live; that if I desired the management of our estate, when put together,
- if I would not trust him with mine, he would trust me with his; that we
- would be upon one bottom, and I should steer. "Ay," says I, "you'll
- allow me to steer--that is, hold the helm--but you'll con the ship, as
- they call it; that is, as at sea, a boy serves to stand at the helm, but
- he that gives him the orders is pilot."
- He laughed at my simile. "No," says he; "you shall be pilot then; you
- shall con the ship." "Ay," says I, "as long as you please; but you can
- take the helm out of my hand when you please, and bid me go spin. It is
- not you," says I, "that I suspect, but the laws of matrimony puts the
- power into your hands, bids you do it, commands you to command, and
- binds me, forsooth, to obey. You, that are now upon even terms with me,
- and I with you," says I, "are the next hour set up upon the throne, and
- the humble wife placed at your footstool; all the rest, all that you
- call oneness of interest, mutual affection, and the like, is courtesy
- and kindness then, and a woman is indeed infinitely obliged where she
- meets with it, but can't help herself where it fails."
- Well, he did not give it over yet, but came to the serious part, and
- there he thought he should be too many for me. He first hinted that
- marriage was decreed by Heaven; that it was the fixed state of life,
- which God had appointed for man's felicity, and for establishing a legal
- posterity; that there could be no legal claim of estates by inheritance
- but by children born in wedlock; that all the rest was sunk under
- scandal and illegitimacy; and very well he talked upon that subject
- indeed.
- But it would not do; I took him short there. "Look you, sir," said I,
- "you have an advantage of me there indeed, in my particular case, but it
- would not be generous to make use of it. I readily grant that it were
- better for me to have married you than to admit you to the liberty I
- have given you, but as I could not reconcile my judgment to marriage,
- for the reasons above, and had kindness enough for you, and obligation
- too much on me to resist you, I suffered your rudeness and gave up my
- virtue. But I have two things before me to heal up that breach of honour
- without that desperate one of marriage, and those are, repentance for
- what is past, and putting an end to it for time to come."
- He seemed to be concerned to think that I should take him in that
- manner. He assured me that I misunderstood him; that he had more manners
- as well as more kindness for me, and more justice than to reproach me
- with what he had been the aggressor in, and had surprised me into; that
- what he spoke referred to my words above, that the woman, if she thought
- fit, might entertain a man, as a man did a mistress; and that I seemed
- to mention that way of living as justifiable, and setting it as a lawful
- thing, and in the place of matrimony.
- Well, we strained some compliments upon those points, not worth
- repeating; and I added, I supposed when he got to bed to me he thought
- himself sure of me; and, indeed, in the ordinary course of things, after
- he had lain with me he ought to think so, but that, upon the same foot
- of argument which I had discoursed with him upon, it was just the
- contrary; and when a woman had been weak enough to yield up the last
- point before wedlock, it would be adding one weakness to another to take
- the man afterwards, to pin down the shame of it upon herself all the
- days of her life, and bind herself to live all her time with the only
- man that could upbraid her with it; that in yielding at first, she must
- be a fool, but to take the man is to be sure to be called fool; that to
- resist a man is to act with courage and vigour, and to cast off the
- reproach, which, in the course of things, drops out of knowledge and
- dies. The man goes one way and the woman another, as fate and the
- circumstances of living direct; and if they keep one another's counsel,
- the folly is heard no more of. "But to take the man," says I, "is the
- most preposterous thing in nature, and (saving your presence) is to
- befoul one's self, and live always in the smell of it. No, no," added I;
- "after a man has lain with me as a mistress, he ought never to lie with
- me as a wife. That's not only preserving the crime in memory, but it is
- recording it in the family. If the woman marries the man afterwards, she
- bears the reproach of it to the last hour. If her husband is not a man
- of a hundred thousand, he some time or other upbraids her with it. If he
- has children, they fail not one way or other to hear of it. If the
- children are virtuous, they do their mother the justice to hate her for
- it; if they are wicked, they give her the mortification of doing the
- like, and giving her for the example. On the other hand, if the man and
- the woman part, there is an end of the crime and an end of the clamour;
- time wears out the memory of it, or a woman may remove but a few
- streets, and she soon outlives it, and hears no more of it."
- He was confounded at this discourse, and told me he could not say but I
- was right in the main. That as to that part relating to managing
- estates, it was arguing _à la cavalier_; it was in some sense right, if
- the women were able to carry it on so, but that in general the sex were
- not capable of it; their heads were not turned for it, and they had
- better choose a person capable and honest, that knew how to do them
- justice as women, as well as to love them; and that then the trouble was
- all taken off of their hands.
- I told him it was a dear way of purchasing their ease, for very often
- when the trouble was taken off of their hands, so was their money too;
- and that I thought it was far safer for the sex not to be afraid of the
- trouble, but to be really afraid of their money; that if nobody was
- trusted, nobody would be deceived, and the staff in their own hands was
- the best security in the world.
- He replied, that I had started a new thing in the world; that however I
- might support it by subtle reasoning, yet it was a way of arguing that
- was contrary to the general practice, and that he confessed he was much
- disappointed in it; that, had he known I would have made such a use of
- it, he would never have attempted what he did, which he had no wicked
- design in, resolving to make me reparation, and that he was very sorry
- he had been so unhappy; that he was very sure he should never upbraid me
- with it hereafter, and had so good an opinion of me as to believe I did
- not suspect him; but seeing I was positive in refusing him,
- notwithstanding what had passed, he had nothing to do but secure me from
- reproach by going back again to Paris, that so, according to my own way
- of arguing, it might die out of memory, and I might never meet with it
- again to my disadvantage.
- I was not pleased with this part at all, for I had no mind to let him go
- neither, and yet I had no mind to give him such hold of me as he would
- have had; and thus I was in a kind of suspense, irresolute, and doubtful
- what course to take.
- I was in the house with him, as I have observed, and I saw evidently
- that he was preparing to go back to Paris; and particularly I found he
- was remitting money to Paris, which was, as I understood afterwards, to
- pay for some wines which he had given order to have bought for him at
- Troyes, in Champagne, and I knew not what course to take; and, besides
- that, I was very loth to part with him. I found also that I was with
- child by him, which was what I had not yet told him of, and sometimes I
- thought not to tell him of it at all; but I was in a strange place, and
- had no acquaintance, though I had a great deal of substance, which
- indeed, having no friends there, was the more dangerous to me.
- This obliged me to take him one morning when I saw him, as I thought, a
- little anxious about his going, and irresolute. Says I to him, "I fancy
- you can hardly find in your heart to leave me now." "The more unkind is
- it in you," said he, "severely unkind, to refuse a man that knows not
- how to part with you."
- "I am so far from being unkind to you," said I, "that I will go over all
- the world with you if you desire me to, except to Paris, where you know
- I can't go."
- "It is a pity so much love," said he, "on both sides should ever
- separate."
- "Why, then," said I, "do you go away from me?"
- "Because," said he, "you won't take me."
- "But if I won't take you," said I, "you may take me anywhere but to
- Paris."
- He was very loth to go anywhere, he said, without me, but he must go to
- Paris or the East Indies.
- I told him I did not use to court, but I durst venture myself to the
- East Indies with him, if there was a necessity of his going.
- He told me, God be thanked he was in no necessity of going anywhere, but
- that he had a tempting invitation to go to the Indies.
- I answered, I would say nothing to that, but that I desired he would go
- anywhere but to Paris, because there he knew I must not go.
- He said he had no remedy but to go where I could not go, for he could
- not bear to see me if he must not have me.
- I told him that was the unkindest thing he could say of me, and that I
- ought to take it very ill, seeing I knew how very well to oblige him to
- stay, without yielding to what he knew I could not yield to.
- This amazed him, and he told me I was pleased to be mysterious, but that
- he was sure it was in nobody's power to hinder him going, if he
- resolved upon it, except me, who had influence enough upon him to make
- him do anything.
- Yes, I told him, I could hinder him, because I knew he could no more do
- an unkind thing by me than he could do an unjust one; and to put him out
- of his pain, I told him I was with child.
- He came to me, and taking me in his arms and kissing me a thousand times
- almost, said, why would I be so unkind not to tell him that before?
- I told him 'twas hard, that to have him stay, I should be forced to do
- as criminals do to avoid the gallows, plead my belly; and that I thought
- I had given him testimonies enough of an affection equal to that of a
- wife, if I had not only lain with him, been with child by him, shown
- myself unwilling to part with him, but offered to go to the East Indies
- with him; and except one thing that I could not grant, what could he ask
- more?
- He stood mute a good while, but afterwards told me he had a great deal
- more to say if I could assure him that I would not take ill whatever
- freedom he might use with me in his discourse.
- I told him he might use any freedom in words with me; for a woman who
- had given leave to such other freedoms as I had done had left herself no
- room to take anything ill, let it be what it would.
- "Why, then," he said, "I hope you believe, madam, I was born a
- Christian, and that I have some sense of sacred things upon my mind.
- When I first broke in upon my own virtue and assaulted yours; when I
- surprised and, as it were, forced you to that which neither you intended
- or I designed but a few hours before, it was upon a presumption that you
- would certainly marry me, if once I could go that length with you, and
- it was with an honest resolution to make you my wife.
- "But I have been surprised with such a denial that no woman in such
- circumstances ever gave to a man; for certainly it was never known that
- any woman refused to marry a man that had first lain with her, much less
- a man that had gotten her with child. But you go upon different notions
- from all the world, and though you reason upon it so strongly that a man
- knows hardly what to answer, yet I must own there is something in it
- shocking to nature, and something very unkind to yourself. But, above
- all, it is unkind to the child that is yet unborn, who, if we marry,
- will come into the world with advantage enough, but if not, is ruined
- before it is born; must bear the eternal reproach of what it is not
- guilty of; must be branded from its cradle with a mark of infamy, be
- loaded with the crimes and follies of its parents, and suffer for sins
- that it never committed. This I take to be very hard, and, indeed, cruel
- to the poor infant not yet born, who you cannot think of with any
- patience, if you have the common affection of a mother, and not do that
- for it which should at once place it on a level with the rest of the
- world, and not leave it to curse its parents for what also we ought to
- be ashamed of. I cannot, therefore," says he, "but beg and entreat you,
- as you are a Christian and a mother, not to let the innocent lamb you go
- with be ruined before it is born, and leave it to curse and reproach us
- hereafter for what may be so easily avoided.
- "Then, dear madam," said he, with a world of tenderness (and I thought I
- saw tears in his eyes), "allow me to repeat it, that I am a Christian,
- and consequently I do not allow what I have rashly, and without due
- consideration, done; I say, I do not approve of it as lawful, and
- therefore, though I did, with the view I have mentioned, one
- unjustifiable action, I cannot say that I could satisfy myself to live
- in a continual practice of what in judgment we must both condemn; and
- though I love you above all the women in the world, and have done enough
- to convince you of it by resolving to marry you after what has passed
- between us, and by offering to quit all pretensions to any part of your
- estate, so that I should, as it were, take a wife after I had lain with
- her, and without a farthing portion, which, as my circumstances are, I
- need not do; I say, notwithstanding my affection to you, which is
- inexpressible, yet I cannot give up soul as well as body, the interest
- of this world and the hopes of another; and you cannot call this my
- disrespect to you."
- If ever any man in the world was truly valuable for the strictest
- honesty of intention, this was the man; and if ever woman in her senses
- rejected a man of merit on so trivial and frivolous a pretence, I was
- the woman; but surely it was the most preposterous thing that ever woman
- did.
- He would have taken me as a wife, but would not entertain me as a whore.
- Was ever woman angry with any gentleman on that head? And was ever woman
- so stupid to choose to be a whore, where she might have been an honest
- wife? But infatuations are next to being possessed of the devil. I was
- inflexible, and pretended to argue upon the point of a woman's liberty
- as before, but he took me short, and with more warmth than he had yet
- used with me, though with the utmost respect, replied, "Dear madam, you
- argue for liberty, at the same time that you restrain yourself from that
- liberty which God and nature has directed you to take, and, to supply
- the deficiency, propose a vicious liberty, which is neither honourable
- or religious. Will you propose liberty at the expense of modesty?"
- I returned, that he mistook me; I did not propose it; I only said that
- those that could not be content without concerning the sexes in that
- affair might do so indeed; might entertain a man as men do a mistress,
- if they thought fit, but he did not hear me say I would do so; and
- though, by what had passed, he might well censure me in that part, yet
- he should find, for the future, that I should freely converse with him
- without any inclination that way.
- He told me he could not promise that for himself, and thought he ought
- not to trust himself with the opportunity, for that, as he had failed
- already, he was loth to lead himself into the temptation of offending
- again, and that this was the true reason of his resolving to go back to
- Paris; not that he could willingly leave me, and would be very far from
- wanting my invitation; but if he could not stay upon terms that became
- him, either as an honest man or a Christian, what could he do? And he
- hoped, he said, I could not blame him that he was unwilling anything
- that was to call him father should upbraid him with leaving him in the
- world to be called bastard; adding that he was astonished to think how I
- could satisfy myself to be so cruel to an innocent infant not yet born;
- professed he could neither bear the thoughts of it, much less bear to
- see it, and hoped I would not take it ill that he could not stay to see
- me delivered, for that very reason.
- I saw he spoke this with a disturbed mind, and that it was with some
- difficulty that he restrained his passion, so I declined any farther
- discourse upon it; only said I hoped he would consider of it. "Oh,
- madam!" says he, "do not bid me consider; 'tis for you to consider;" and
- with that he went out of the room, in a strange kind of confusion, as
- was easy to be seen in his countenance.
- If I had not been one of the foolishest as well as wickedest creatures
- upon earth, I could never have acted thus. I had one of the honestest,
- completest gentlemen upon earth at my hand. He had in one sense saved my
- life, but he had saved that life from ruin in a most remarkable manner.
- He loved me even to distraction, and had come from Paris to Rotterdam on
- purpose to seek me. He had offered me marriage even after I was with
- child by him, and had offered to quit all his pretensions to my estate,
- and give it up to my own management, having a plentiful estate of his
- own. Here I might have settled myself out of the reach even of disaster
- itself; his estate and mine would have purchased even then above two
- thousand pounds a year, and I might have lived like a queen--nay, far
- more happy than a queen; and, which was above all, I had now an
- opportunity to have quitted a life of crime and debauchery, which I had
- been given up to for several years, and to have sat down quiet in plenty
- and honour, and to have set myself apart to the great work which I have
- since seen so much necessity of and occasion for--I mean that of
- repentance.
- But my measure of wickedness was not yet full. I continued obstinate
- against matrimony, and yet I could not bear the thoughts of his going
- away neither. As to the child, I was not very anxious about it. I told
- him I would promise him it should never come to him to upbraid him with
- its being illegitimate; that if it was a boy, I would breed it up like
- the son of a gentleman, and use it well for his sake; and after a little
- more such talk as this, and seeing him resolved to go, I retired, but
- could not help letting him see the tears run down my cheeks. He came to
- me and kissed me, entreated me, conjured me by the kindness he had shown
- me in my distress, by the justice he had done me in my bills and money
- affairs, by the respect which made him refuse a thousand pistoles from
- me for his expenses with that traitor the Jew, by the pledge of our
- misfortunes--so he called it--which I carried with me, and by all that
- the sincerest affection could propose to do, that I would not drive him
- away.
- But it would not do. I was stupid and senseless, deaf to all his
- importunities, and continued so to the last. So we parted, only desiring
- me to promise that I would write him word when I was delivered, and how
- he might give me an answer; and this I engaged my word I would do. And
- upon his desiring to be informed which way I intended to dispose of
- myself, I told him I resolved to go directly to England, and to London,
- where I proposed to lie in; but since he resolved to leave me, I told
- him I supposed it would be of no consequence to him what became of me.
- He lay in his lodgings that night, but went away early in the morning,
- leaving me a letter in which he repeated all he had said, recommended
- the care of the child, and desired of me that as he had remitted to me
- the offer of a thousand pistoles which I would have given him for the
- recompense of his charges and trouble with the Jew, and had given it me
- back, so he desired I would allow him to oblige me to set apart that
- thousand pistoles, with its improvement, for the child, and for its
- education; earnestly pressing me to secure that little portion for the
- abandoned orphan when I should think fit, as he was sure I would, to
- throw away the rest upon something as worthless as my sincere friend at
- Paris. He concluded with moving me to reflect, with the same regret as
- he did, on our follies we had committed together; asked me forgiveness
- for being the aggressor in the fact, and forgave me everything, he said,
- but the cruelty of refusing him, which he owned he could not forgive me
- so heartily as he should do, because he was satisfied it was an injury
- to myself, would be an introduction to my ruin, and that I would
- seriously repent of it. He foretold some fatal things which, he said, he
- was well assured I should fall into, and that at last I would be ruined
- by a bad husband; bid me be the more wary, that I might render him a
- false prophet; but to remember that, if ever I came into distress, I had
- a fast friend at Paris, who would not upbraid me with the unkind things
- past, but would be always ready to return me good for evil.
- This letter stunned me. I could not think it possible for any one that
- had not dealt with the devil to write such a letter, for he spoke of
- some particular things which afterwards were to befall me with such an
- assurance that it frighted me beforehand; and when those things did come
- to pass, I was persuaded he had some more than human knowledge. In a
- word, his advices to me to repent were very affectionate, his warnings
- of evil to happen to me were very kind, and his promises of assistance,
- if I wanted him, were so generous that I have seldom seen the like; and
- though I did not at first set much by that part because I looked upon
- them as what might not happen, and as what was improbable to happen at
- that time, yet all the rest of his letter was so moving that it left me
- very melancholy, and I cried four-and-twenty hours after, almost without
- ceasing, about it; and yet even all this while, whatever it was that
- bewitched me, I had not one serious wish that I had taken him. I wished
- heartily, indeed, that I could have kept him with me, but I had a mortal
- aversion to marrying him, or indeed anybody else, but formed a thousand
- wild notions in my head that I was yet gay enough, and young and
- handsome enough, to please a man of quality, and that I would try my
- fortune at London, come of it what would.
- Thus blinded by my own vanity, I threw away the only opportunity I then
- had to have effectually settled my fortunes, and secured them for this
- world; and I am a memorial to all that shall read my story, a standing
- monument of the madness and distraction which pride and infatuations
- from hell run us into, how ill our passions guide us, and how
- dangerously we act when we follow the dictates of an ambitious mind.
- I was rich, beautiful, and agreeable, and not yet old. I had known
- something of the influence I had had upon the fancies of men even of the
- highest rank. I never forgot that the Prince de ---- had said, with an
- ecstasy, that I was the finest woman in France. I knew I could make a
- figure at London, and how well I could grace that figure. I was not at a
- loss how to behave, and having already been adored by princes, I thought
- of nothing less than of being mistress to the king himself. But I go
- back to my immediate circumstances at that time.
- I got over the absence of my honest merchant but slowly at first. It was
- with infinite regret that I let him go at all; and when I read the
- letter he left I was quite confounded. As soon as he was out of call
- and irrecoverable I would have given half I had in the world for him
- back again; my notion of things changed in an instant, and I called
- myself a thousand fools for casting myself upon a life of scandal and
- hazard, when, after the shipwreck of virtue, honour, and principle, and
- sailing at the utmost risk in the stormy seas of crime and abominable
- levity, I had a safe harbour presented, and no heart to cast anchor in
- it.
- His predictions terrified me; his promises of kindness if I came to
- distress melted me into tears, but frighted me with the apprehensions of
- ever coming into such distress, and filled my head with a thousand
- anxieties and thoughts how it should be possible for me, who had now
- such a fortune, to sink again into misery.
- Then the dreadful scene of my life, when I was left with my five
- children, &c., as I have related, represented itself again to me, and I
- sat considering what measures I might take to bring myself to such a
- state of desolation again, and how I should act to avoid it.
- But these things wore off gradually. As to my friend the merchant, he
- was gone, and gone irrecoverably, for I durst not follow him to Paris,
- for the reasons mentioned above. Again, I was afraid to write to him to
- return, lest he should have refused, as I verily believed he would; so
- I sat and cried intolerably for some days--nay, I may say for some
- weeks; but, I say, it wore off gradually, and as I had a pretty deal of
- business for managing my effects, the hurry of that particular part
- served to divert my thoughts, and in part to wear out the impressions
- which had been made upon my mind.
- I had sold my jewels, all but the diamond ring which my gentleman the
- jeweller used to wear, and this, at proper times, I wore myself; as also
- the diamond necklace which the prince had given me, and a pair of
- extraordinary earrings worth about 600 pistoles; the other, which was a
- fine casket, he left with me at his going to Versailles, and a small
- case with some rubies and emeralds, &c. I say I sold them at the Hague
- for 7600 pistoles. I had received all the bills which the merchant had
- helped me to at Paris, and with the money I brought with me, they made
- up 13,900 pistoles more; so that I had in ready money, and in account in
- the bank at Amsterdam, above one-and-twenty thousand pistoles, besides
- jewels; and how to get this treasure to England was my next care.
- The business I had had now with a great many people for receiving such
- large sums and selling jewels of such considerable value gave me
- opportunity to know and converse with several of the best merchants of
- the place, so that I wanted no direction now how to get my money
- remitted to England. Applying, therefore, to several merchants, that I
- might neither risk it all on the credit of one merchant, nor suffer any
- single man to know the quantity of money I had; I say, applying myself
- to several merchants, I got bills of exchange payable in London for all
- my money. The first bills I took with me; the second bills I left in
- trust (in case of any disaster at sea) in the hands of the first
- merchant, him to whom I was recommended by my friend from Paris.
- Having thus spent nine months in Holland, refused the best offer ever
- woman in my circumstances had, parted unkindly, and indeed barbarously,
- with the best friend and honestest man in the world, got all my money in
- my pocket, and a bastard in my belly, I took shipping at the Brill in
- the packet-boat, and arrived safe at Harwich, where my woman Amy was
- come by my direction to meet me.
- I would willingly have given ten thousand pounds of my money to have
- been rid of the burthen I had in my belly, as above; but it could not
- be, so I was obliged to bear with that part, and get rid of it by the
- ordinary method of patience and a hard travail.
- I was above the contemptible usage that women in my circumstances
- oftentimes meet with. I had considered all that beforehand; and having
- sent Amy beforehand, and remitted her money to do it, she had taken me
- a very handsome house in ---- Street, near Charing Cross; had hired me
- two maids and a footman, who she had put in a good livery; and having
- hired a glass coach and four horses, she came with them and the
- man-servant to Harwich to meet me, and had been there near a week before
- I came, so I had nothing to do but to go away to London to my own house,
- where I arrived in very good health, and where I passed for a French
- lady, by the title of ----.
- My first business was to get all my bills accepted, which, to cut the
- story short, was all both accepted and currently paid; and I then
- resolved to take me a country lodging somewhere near the town, to be
- incognito, till I was brought to bed; which, appearing in such a figure
- and having such an equipage, I easily managed without anybody's offering
- the usual insults of parish inquiries. I did not appear in my new house
- for some time, and afterwards I thought fit, for particular reasons, to
- quit that house, and not to come to it at all, but take handsome large
- apartments in the Pall Mall, in a house out of which was a private door
- into the king's garden, by the permission of the chief gardener, who had
- lived in the house.
- I had now all my effects secured; but my money being my great concern at
- that time, I found it a difficulty how to dispose of it so as to bring
- me in an annual interest. However, in some time I got a substantial
- safe mortgage for £14,000 by the assistance of the famous Sir Robert
- Clayton, for which I had an estate of £1800 a year bound to me, and had
- £700 per annum interest for it.
- This, with some other securities, made me a very handsome estate of
- above a thousand pounds a year; enough, one would think, to keep any
- woman in England from being a whore.
- I lay in at ----, about four miles from London, and brought a fine boy
- into the world, and, according to my promise, sent an account of it to
- my friend at Paris, the father of it; and in the letter told him how
- sorry I was for his going away, and did as good as intimate that, if he
- would come once more to see me, I should use him better than I had done.
- He gave me a very kind and obliging answer, but took not the least
- notice of what I had said of his coming over, so I found my interest
- lost there for ever. He gave me joy of the child, and hinted that he
- hoped I would make good what he had begged for the poor infant as I had
- promised, and I sent him word again that I would fulfil his order to a
- tittle; and such a fool and so weak I was in this last letter,
- notwithstanding what I have said of his not taking notice of my
- invitation, as to ask his pardon almost for the usage I gave him at
- Rotterdam, and stooped so low as to expostulate with him for not taking
- notice of my inviting him to come to me again, as I had done; and,
- which was still more, went so far as to make a second sort of an offer
- to him, telling him, almost in plain words, that if he would come over
- now I would have him; but he never gave me the least reply to it at all,
- which was as absolute a denial to me as he was ever able to give; so I
- sat down, I cannot say contented, but vexed heartily that I had made the
- offer at all, for he had, as I may say, his full revenge of me in
- scorning to answer, and to let me twice ask that of him which he with so
- much importunity begged of me before.
- I was now up again, and soon came to my City lodging in the Pall Mall,
- and here I began to make a figure suitable to my estate, which was very
- great; and I shall give you an account of my equipage in a few words,
- and of myself too.
- I paid £60 a year for my new apartments, for I took them by the year;
- but then they were handsome lodgings indeed, and very richly furnished.
- I kept my own servants to clean and look after them, found my own
- kitchen ware and firing. My equipage was handsome, but not very great; I
- had a coach, a coachman, a footman, my woman Amy, who I now dressed like
- a gentlewoman and made her my companion, and three maids; and thus I
- lived for a time. I dressed to the height of every mode, went extremely
- rich in clothes, and as for jewels, I wanted none. I gave a very good
- livery, laced with silver, and as rich as anybody below the nobility
- could be seen with; and thus I appeared, leaving the world to guess who
- or what I was, without offering to put myself forward.
- I walked sometimes in the Mall with my woman Amy, but I kept no company
- and made no acquaintances, only made as gay a show as I was able to do,
- and that upon all occasions. I found, however, the world was not
- altogether so unconcerned about me as I seemed to be about them; and
- first I understood that the neighbours began to be mighty inquisitive
- about me, as who I was, and what my circumstances were.
- Amy was the only person that could answer their curiosity or give any
- account of me; and she, a tattling woman and a true gossip, took care to
- do that with all the art that she was mistress of. She let them know
- that I was the widow of a person of quality in France, that I was very
- rich, that I came over hither to look after an estate that fell to me by
- some of my relations who died here, that I was worth £40,000 all in my
- own hands, and the like.
- This was all wrong in Amy, and in me too, though we did not see it at
- first, for this recommended me indeed to those sort of gentlemen they
- call fortune-hunters, and who always besieged ladies, as they called
- it--on purpose to take them prisoners, as I called it--that is to say,
- to marry the women and have the spending of their money. But if I was
- wrong in refusing the honourable proposals of the Dutch merchant, who
- offered me the disposal of my whole estate, and had as much of his own
- to maintain me with, I was right now in refusing those offers which came
- generally from gentlemen of good families and good estates, but who,
- living to the extent of them, were always needy and necessitous, and
- wanted a sum of money to make themselves easy, as they call it--that is
- to say, to pay off encumbrances, sisters' portions, and the like; and
- then the woman is prisoner for life, and may live as they give her
- leave. This life I had seen into clearly enough, and therefore I was not
- to be catched that way. However, as I said, the reputation of my money
- brought several of those sort of gentry about me, and they found means,
- by one stratagem or other, to get access to my ladyship; but, in short,
- I answered them well enough, that I lived single and was happy; that as
- I had no occasion to change my condition for an estate, so I did not see
- that by the best offer that any of them could make me I could mend my
- fortune; that I might be honoured with titles indeed, and in time rank
- on public occasions with the peeresses (I mention that because one that
- offered at me was the eldest son of a peer), but that I was as well
- without the title as long as I had the estate, and while I had £2000 a
- year of my own I was happier than I could be in being prisoner of state
- to a nobleman, for I took the ladies of that rank to be little better.
- As I have mentioned Sir Robert Clayton, with whom I had the good fortune
- to become acquainted, on account of the mortgage which he helped me to,
- it is necessary to take notice that I had much advantage in my ordinary
- affairs by his advice, and therefore I called it my good fortune; for as
- he paid me so considerable an annual income as £700 a year, so I am to
- acknowledge myself much a debtor, not only to the justice of his
- dealings with me, but to the prudence and conduct which he guided me to,
- by his advice, for the management of my estate. And as he found I was
- not inclined to marry, he frequently took occasion to hint how soon I
- might raise my fortune to a prodigious height if I would but order my
- family economy so far within my revenue as to lay up every year
- something to add to the capital.
- I was convinced of the truth of what he said, and agreed to the
- advantages of it. You are to take it as you go that Sir Robert supposed
- by my own discourse, and especially by my woman Amy, that I had £2000 a
- year income. He judged, as he said, by my way of living that I could not
- spend above one thousand, and so, he added, I might prudently lay by
- £1000 every year to add to the capital; and by adding every year the
- additional interest or income of the money to the capital, he proved to
- me that in ten years I should double the £1000 per annum that I laid by.
- And he drew me out a table, as he called it, of the increase, for me to
- judge by; and by which, he said, if the gentlemen of England would but
- act so, every family of them would increase their fortunes to a great
- degree, just as merchants do by trade; whereas now, says Sir Robert, by
- the humour of living up to the extent of their fortunes, and rather
- beyond, the gentlemen, says he, ay, and the nobility too, are almost all
- of them borrowers, and all in necessitous circumstances.
- As Sir Robert frequently visited me, and was (if I may say so from his
- own mouth) very well pleased with my way of conversing with him, for he
- knew nothing, not so much as guessed at what I had been; I say, as he
- came often to see me, so he always entertained me with this scheme of
- frugality; and one time he brought another paper, wherein he showed me,
- much to the same purpose as the former, to what degree I should increase
- my estate if I would come into his method of contracting my expenses;
- and by this scheme of his, it appeared that, laying up a thousand pounds
- a year, and every year adding the interest to it, I should in twelve
- years' time have in bank one-and-twenty thousand and fifty-eight
- pounds, after which I might lay up two thousand pounds a year.
- I objected that I was a young woman, that I had been used to live
- plentifully, and with a good appearance, and that I knew not how to be a
- miser.
- He told me that if I thought I had enough it was well, but that if I
- desired to have more, this was the way; that in another twelve years I
- should be too rich, so that I should not know what to do with it.
- "Ay, sir," says I, "you are contriving how to make me a rich old woman,
- but that won't answer my end; I had rather have £20,000 now than £60,000
- when I am fifty years old."
- "Then, madam," says he, "I suppose your honour has no children?"
- "None, Sir Robert," said I, "but what are provided for." So I left him
- in the dark as much as I found him. However, I considered his scheme
- very well, though I said no more to him at that time, and I resolved,
- though I would make a very good figure, I say I resolved to abate a
- little of my expense, and draw in, live closer, and save something, if
- not so much as he proposed to me. It was near the end of the year that
- Sir Robert made this proposal to me, and when the year was up I went to
- his house in the City, and there I told him I came to thank him for his
- scheme of frugality; that I had been studying much upon it, and though I
- had not been able to mortify myself so much as to lay up a thousand
- pounds a year, yet, as I had not come to him for my interest
- half-yearly, as was usual, I was now come to let him know that I had
- resolved to lay up that seven hundred pounds a year, and never use a
- penny of it, desiring him to help me to put it out to advantage.
- Sir Robert, a man thoroughly versed in arts of improving money, but
- thoroughly honest, said to me, "Madam, I am glad you approve of the
- method that I proposed to you; but you have begun wrong; you should have
- come for your interest at the half-year, and then you had had the money
- to put out. Now you have lost half a year's interest of £350, which is
- £9; for I had but 5 per cent, on the mortgage."
- "Well, well, sir," says I, "can you put this out for me now?"
- "Let it lie, madam," says he, "till the next year, and then I'll put out
- your £1400 together, and in the meantime I'll pay you interest for the
- £700." So he gave me his bill for the money, which he told me should be
- no less than £6 per cent. Sir Robert Clayton's bill was what nobody
- would refuse, so I thanked him and let it lie; and next year I did the
- same, and the third year Sir Robert got me a good mortgage for £2200 at
- £6 per cent interest. So I had £132 a year added to my income, which was
- a very satisfying article.
- But I return to my history. As I have said, I found that my measures
- were all wrong; the posture I set up in exposed me to innumerable
- visitors of the kind I have mentioned above. I was cried up for a vast
- fortune, and one that Sir Robert Clayton managed for; and Sir Robert
- Clayton was courted for me as much as I was for myself. But I had given
- Sir Robert his cue. I had told him my opinion of matrimony, in just the
- same terms as I had done my merchant, and he came into it presently. He
- owned that my observation was just, and that if I valued my liberty, as
- I knew my fortune, and that it was in my own hands, I was to blame if I
- gave it away to any one.
- But Sir Robert knew nothing of my design, that I aimed at being a kept
- mistress, and to have a handsome maintenance; and that I was still for
- getting money, and laying it up too, as much as he could desire me, only
- by a worse way.
- However, Sir Robert came seriously to me one day, and told me he had an
- offer of matrimony to make to me that was beyond all that he had heard
- had offered themselves, and this was a merchant. Sir Robert and I agreed
- exactly in our notions of a merchant. Sir Robert said, and I found it to
- be true, that a true-bred merchant is the best gentleman in the nation;
- that in knowledge, in manners, in judgment of things, the merchant
- outdid many of the nobility; that having once mastered the world, and
- being above the demand of business, though no real estate, they were
- then superior to most gentlemen, even in estate; that a merchant in
- flush business and a capital stock is able to spend more money than a
- gentleman of £5000 a year estate; that while a merchant spent, he only
- spent what he got, and not that, and that he laid up great sums every
- year; that an estate is a pond, but that a trade was a spring; that if
- the first is once mortgaged, it seldom gets clear, but embarrassed the
- person for ever; but the merchant had his estate continually flowing;
- and upon this he named me merchants who lived in more real splendour and
- spent more money than most of the noblemen in England could singly
- expend, and that they still grew immensely rich.
- He went on to tell me that even the tradesmen in London, speaking of the
- better sort of trades, could spend more money in their families, and yet
- give better fortunes to their children, than, generally speaking, the
- gentry of England from £1000 a year downward could do, and yet grow rich
- too.
- The upshot of all this was to recommend to me rather the bestowing my
- fortune upon some eminent merchant, who lived already in the first
- figure of a merchant, and who, not being in want or scarcity of money,
- but having a flourishing business and a flowing cash, would at the first
- word settle all my fortune on myself and children, and maintain me like
- a queen.
- This was certainly right, and had I taken his advice, I had been really
- happy; but my heart was bent upon an independency of fortune, and I told
- him I knew no state of matrimony but what was at best a state of
- inferiority, if not of bondage; that I had no notion of it; that I lived
- a life of absolute liberty now, was free as I was born, and having a
- plentiful fortune, I did not understand what coherence the words "honour
- and obey" had with the liberty of a free woman; that I knew no reason
- the men had to engross the whole liberty of the race, and make the
- woman, notwithstanding any disparity of fortune, be subject to the laws
- of marriage, of their own making; that it was my misfortune to be a
- woman, but I was resolved it should not be made worse by the sex; and,
- seeing liberty seemed to be the men's property, I would be a man-woman,
- for, as I was born free, I would die so.
- Sir Robert smiled, and told me I talked a kind of Amazonian language;
- that he found few women of my mind, or that, if they were, they wanted
- resolution to go on with it; that, notwithstanding all my notions, which
- he could not but say had once some weight in them, yet he understood I
- had broke in upon them, and had been married. I answered, I had so; but
- he did not hear me say that I had any encouragement from what was past
- to make a second venture; that I was got well out of the toil, and if I
- came in again I should have nobody to blame but myself.
- Sir Robert laughed heartily at me, but gave over offering any more
- arguments, only told me he had pointed me out for some of the best
- merchants in London, but since I forbade him he would give me no
- disturbance of that kind. He applauded my way of managing my money, and
- told me I should soon be monstrous rich; but he neither knew or
- mistrusted that, with all this wealth, I was yet a whore, and was not
- averse to adding to my estate at the farther expense of my virtue.
- But to go on with my story as to my way of living. I found, as above,
- that my living as I did would not answer; that it only brought the
- fortune-hunters and bites about me, as I have said before, to make a
- prey of me and my money; and, in short, I was harassed with lovers,
- beaux, and fops of quality, in abundance, but it would not do. I aimed
- at other things, and was possessed with so vain an opinion of my own
- beauty, that nothing less than the king himself was in my eye. And this
- vanity was raised by some words let fall by a person I conversed with,
- who was, perhaps, likely enough to have brought such a thing to pass,
- had it been sooner; but that game began to be pretty well over at
- court. However, the having mentioned such a thing, it seems a little
- too publicly, it brought abundance of people about me, upon a wicked
- account too.
- And now I began to act in a new sphere. The court was exceedingly gay
- and fine, though fuller of men than of women, the queen not affecting to
- be very much in public. On the other hand, it is no slander upon the
- courtiers to say, they were as wicked as anybody in reason could desire
- them. The king had several mistresses, who were prodigious fine, and
- there was a glorious show on that side indeed. If the sovereign gave
- himself a loose, it could not be expected the rest of the court should
- be all saints; so far was it from that, though I would not make it worse
- than it was, that a woman that had anything agreeable in her appearance
- could never want followers.
- I soon found myself thronged with admirers, and I received visits from
- some persons of very great figure, who always introduced themselves by
- the help of an old lady or two who were now become my intimates; and one
- of them, I understood afterwards, was set to work on purpose to get into
- my favour, in order to introduce what followed.
- The conversation we had was generally courtly, but civil. At length some
- gentlemen proposed to play, and made what they called a party. This, it
- seems, was a contrivance of one of my female hangers-on, for, as I
- said, I had two of them, who thought this was the way to introduce
- people as often as she pleased; and so indeed it was. They played high
- and stayed late, but begged my pardon, only asked leave to make an
- appointment for the next night. I was as gay and as well pleased as any
- of them, and one night told one of the gentlemen, my Lord ----, that
- seeing they were doing me the honour of diverting themselves at my
- apartment, and desired to be there sometimes, I did not keep a
- gaming-table, but I would give them a little ball the next day if they
- pleased, which they accepted very willingly.
- Accordingly, in the evening the gentlemen began to come, where I let
- them see that I understood very well what such things meant. I had a
- large dining-room in my apartments, with five other rooms on the same
- floor, all which I made drawing-rooms for the occasion, having all the
- beds taken down for the day. In three of these I had tables placed,
- covered with wine and sweetmeats, the fourth had a green table for play,
- and the fifth was my own room, where I sat, and where I received all the
- company that came to pay their compliments to me. I was dressed, you may
- be sure, to all the advantage possible, and had all the jewels on that I
- was mistress of. My Lord ----, to whom I had made the invitation, sent me
- a set of fine music from the playhouse, and the ladies danced, and we
- began to be very merry, when about eleven o'clock I had notice given me
- that there were some gentlemen coming in masquerade. I seemed a little
- surprised, and began to apprehend some disturbance, when my Lord ----
- perceiving it, spoke to me to be easy, for that there was a party of the
- guards at the door which should be ready to prevent any rudeness; and
- another gentleman gave me a hint as if the king was among the masks. I
- coloured as red as blood itself could make a face look, and expressed a
- great surprise; however, there was no going back, so I kept my station
- in my drawing-room, but with the folding-doors wide open.
- A while after the masks came in, and began with a dance _à la comique_,
- performing wonderfully indeed. While they were dancing I withdrew, and
- left a lady to answer for me that I would return immediately. In less
- than half-an-hour I returned, dressed in the habit of a Turkish
- princess; the habit I got at Leghorn, when my foreign prince bought me a
- Turkish slave, as I have said. The Maltese man-of-war had, it seems,
- taken a Turkish vessel going from Constantinople to Alexandria, in which
- were some ladies bound for Grand Cairo in Egypt; and as the ladies were
- made slaves, so their fine clothes were thus exposed; and with this
- Turkish slave I bought the rich clothes too. The dress was
- extraordinary fine indeed; I had bought it as a curiosity, having never
- seen the like. The robe was a fine Persian or India damask, the ground
- white, and the flowers blue and gold, and the train held five yards. The
- dress under it was a vest of the same, embroidered with gold, and set
- with some pearl in the work and some turquoise stones. To the vest was a
- girdle five or six inches wide, after the Turkish mode; and on both ends
- where it joined, or hooked, was set with diamonds for eight inches
- either way, only they were not true diamonds, but nobody knew that but
- myself.
- The turban, or head-dress, had a pinnacle on the top, but not above five
- inches, with a piece of loose sarcenet hanging from it; and on the
- front, just over the forehead, was a good jewel which I had added to it.
- This habit, as above, cost me about sixty pistoles in Italy, but cost
- much more in the country from whence it came; and little did I think
- when I bought it that I should put it to such a use as this, though I
- had dressed myself in it many times by the help of my little Turk, and
- afterwards between Amy and I, only to see how I looked in it. I had sent
- her up before to get it ready, and when I came up I had nothing to do
- but slip it on, and was down in my drawing-room in a little more than a
- quarter of an hour. When I came there the room was full of company; but
- I ordered the folding-doors to be shut for a minute or two till I had
- received the compliments of the ladies that were in the room, and had
- given them a full view of my dress.
- But my Lord ----, who happened to be in the room, slipped out at another
- door, and brought back with him one of the masks, a tall, well-shaped
- person, but who had no name, being all masked; nor would it have been
- allowed to ask any person's name on such an occasion. The person spoke
- in French to me, that it was the finest dress he had ever seen, and
- asked me if he should have the honour to dance with me. I bowed, as
- giving my consent, but said, as I had been a Mahometan, I could not
- dance after the manner of this country; I supposed their music would not
- play _à la Moresque_. He answered merrily. I had a Christian's face, and
- he'd venture it that I could dance like a Christian; adding that so much
- beauty could not be Mahometan. Immediately the folding-doors were flung
- open, and he led me into the room. The company were under the greatest
- surprise imaginable; the very music stopped awhile to gaze, for the
- dress was indeed exceedingly surprising, perfectly new, very agreeable,
- and wonderful rich.
- The gentleman, whoever he was, for I never knew, led me only _à
- courant_, and then asked me if I had a mind to dance an antic--that is
- to say, whether I would dance the antic as they had danced in
- masquerade, or anything by myself. I told him anything else rather, if
- he pleased; so we danced only two French dances, and he led me to the
- drawing-room door, when he retired to the rest of the masks. When he
- left me at the drawing-room door I did not go in, as he thought I would
- have done, but turned about and showed myself to the whole room, and
- calling my woman to me, gave her some directions to the music, by which
- the company presently understood that I would give them a dance by
- myself. Immediately all the house rose up and paid me a kind of a
- compliment by removing back every way to make me room, for the place was
- exceedingly full. The music did not at first hit the tune that I
- directed, which was a French tune, so I was forced to send my woman to
- them again, standing all this while at my drawing-room door; but as soon
- as my woman spoke to them again, they played it right, and I, to let
- them see it was so, stepped forward to the middle of the room. Then they
- began it again, and I danced by myself a figure which I learnt in
- France, when the Prince de ---- desired I would dance for his diversion.
- It was, indeed, a very fine figure, invented by a famous master at
- Paris, for a lady or a gentleman to dance single; but being perfectly
- new, it pleased the company exceedingly, and they all thought it had
- been Turkish; nay, one gentleman had the folly to expose himself so
- much as to say, and I think swore too, that he had seen it danced at
- Constantinople, which was ridiculous enough.
- At the finishing the dance the company clapped, and almost shouted; and
- one of the gentlemen cried out "Roxana! Roxana! by ----," with an oath;
- upon which foolish accident I had the name of Roxana presently fixed
- upon me all over the court end of town as effectually as if I had been
- christened Roxana. I had, it seems, the felicity of pleasing everybody
- that night to an extreme; and my ball, but especially my dress, was the
- chat of the town for that week; and so the name of Roxana was the toast
- at and about the court; no other health was to be named with it.
- Now things began to work as I would have them, and I began to be very
- popular, as much as I could desire. The ball held till (as well as I was
- pleased with the show) I was sick of the night; the gentlemen masked
- went off about three o'clock in the morning, the other gentlemen sat
- down to play; the music held it out, and some of the ladies were dancing
- at six in the morning.
- But I was mighty eager to know who it was danced with me. Some of the
- lords went so far as to tell me I was very much honoured in my company;
- one of them spoke so broad as almost to say it was the king, but I was
- convinced afterwards it was not; and another replied if he had been his
- Majesty he should have thought it no dishonour to lead up a Roxana; but
- to this hour I never knew positively who it was; and by his behaviour I
- thought he was too young, his Majesty being at that time in an age that
- might be discovered from a young person, even in his dancing.
- Be that as it would, I had five hundred guineas sent me the next
- morning, and the messenger was ordered to tell me that the persons who
- sent it desired a ball again at my lodgings on the next Tuesday, but
- that they would have my leave to give the entertainment themselves. I
- was mighty well pleased with this, to be sure, but very inquisitive to
- know who the money came from; but the messenger was silent as death as
- to that point, and bowing always at my inquiries, begged me to ask no
- questions which he could not give an obliging answer to.
- I forgot to mention, that the gentlemen that played gave a hundred
- guineas to the box, as they called it, and at the end of their play they
- asked for my gentlewoman of the bedchamber, as they called her (Mrs.
- Amy, forsooth), and gave it her, and gave twenty guineas more among the
- servants.
- These magnificent doings equally both pleased and surprised me, and I
- hardly knew where I was; but especially that notion of the king being
- the person that danced with me, puffed me up to that degree, that I not
- only did not know anybody else, but indeed was very far from knowing
- myself.
- I had now, the next Tuesday, to provide for the like company. But, alas!
- it was all taken out of my hand. Three gentlemen, who yet were, it
- seems, but servants, came on the Saturday, and bringing sufficient
- testimonies that they were right, for one was the same who brought the
- five hundred guineas; I say, three of them came, and brought bottles of
- all sorts of wines, and hampers of sweetmeats to such a quantity, it
- appeared they designed to hold the trade on more than once, and that
- they would furnish everything to a profusion.
- However, as I found a deficiency in two things, I made provision of
- about twelve dozen of fine damask napkins, with tablecloths of the same,
- sufficient to cover all the tables, with three tablecloths upon every
- table, and sideboards in proportion. Also I bought a handsome quantity
- of plate, necessary to have served all the sideboards; but the gentlemen
- would not suffer any of it to be used, telling me they had bought fine
- china dishes and plates for the whole service, and that in such public
- places they could not be answerable for the plate. So it was set all up
- in a large glass cupboard in the room I sat in, where it made a very
- good show indeed.
- On Tuesday there came such an appearance of gentlemen and ladies, that
- my apartments were by no means able to receive them, and those who in
- particular appeared as principals gave order below to let no more
- company come up. The street was full of coaches with coronets, and fine
- glass chairs, and, in short, it was impossible to receive the company. I
- kept my little room as before, and the dancers filled the great room;
- all the drawing-rooms also were filled, and three rooms below stairs,
- which were not mine.
- It was very well that there was a strong party of the guards brought to
- keep the door, for without that there had been such a promiscuous crowd,
- and some of them scandalous too, that we should have been all disorder
- and confusion; but the three head servants managed all that, and had a
- word to admit all the company by.
- It was uncertain to me, and is to this day, who it was that danced with
- me the Wednesday before, when the ball was my own; but that the king was
- at this assembly was out of question with me, by circumstances that, I
- suppose, I could not be deceived in, and particularly that there were
- five persons who were not masked; three of them had blue garters, and
- they appeared not to me till I came out to dance.
- This meeting was managed just as the first, though with much more
- magnificence, because of the company. I placed myself (exceedingly rich
- in clothes and jewels) in the middle of my little room, as before, and
- made my compliment to all the company as they passed me, as I did
- before. But my Lord ----, who had spoken openly to me the first night,
- came to me, and, unmasking, told me the company had ordered him to tell
- me they hoped they should see me in the dress I had appeared in the
- first day, which had been so acceptable that it had been the occasion of
- this new meeting. "And, madam," says he, "there are some in this
- assembly who it is worth your while to oblige."
- I bowed to my Lord ----, and immediately withdrew. While I was above,
- a-dressing in my new habit, two ladies, perfectly unknown to me, were
- conveyed into my apartment below, by the order of a noble person, who,
- with his family, had been in Persia; and here, indeed, I thought I
- should have been outdone, or perhaps balked.
- One of these ladies was dressed most exquisitely fine indeed, in the
- habit of a virgin lady of quality of Georgia, and the other in the same
- habit of Armenia, with each of them a woman slave to attend them.
- The ladies had their petticoats short to their ankles, but plaited all
- round, and before them short aprons, but of the finest point that could
- be seen. Their gowns were made with long antique sleeves hanging down
- behind, and a train let down. They had no jewels, but their heads and
- breasts were dressed up with flowers, and they both came in veiled.
- Their slaves were bareheaded, but their long, black hair was braided in
- locks hanging down behind to their waists, and tied up with ribands.
- They were dressed exceeding rich, and were as beautiful as their
- mistresses; for none of them had any masks on. They waited in my room
- till I came down, and all paid their respects to me after the Persian
- manner, and sat down on a safra--that is to say, almost crosslegged, on
- a couch made up of cushions laid on the ground.
- This was admirably fine, and I was indeed startled at it. They made
- their compliment to me in French, and I replied in the same language.
- When the doors were opened, they walked into the dancing-room, and
- danced such a dance as indeed nobody there had ever seen, and to an
- instrument like a guitar, with a small low-sounding trumpet, which
- indeed was very fine, and which my Lord ---- had provided.
- They danced three times all alone, for nobody indeed could dance with
- them. The novelty pleased, truly, but yet there was something wild and
- _bizarre_ in it, because they really acted to the life the barbarous
- country whence they came; but as mine had the French behaviour under the
- Mahometan dress, it was every way as new, and pleased much better
- indeed.
- As soon as they had shown their Georgian and Armenian shapes, and
- danced, as I have said, three times, they withdrew, paid their
- compliment to me (for I was queen of the day), and went off to undress.
- Some gentlemen then danced with ladies all in masks; and when they
- stopped, nobody rose up to dance, but all called out "Roxana, Roxana."
- In the interval, my Lord ---- had brought another masked person into my
- room, who I knew not, only that I could discern it was not the same
- person that led me out before. This noble person (for I afterwards
- understood it was the Duke of ----), after a short compliment, led me
- out into the middle of the room.
- I was dressed in the same vest and girdle as before, but the robe had a
- mantle over it, which is usual in the Turkish habit, and it was of
- crimson and green, the green brocaded with gold; and my tyhiaai, or
- head-dress, varied a little from that I had before, as it stood higher,
- and had some jewels about the rising part, which made it look like a
- turban crowned.
- I had no mask, neither did I paint, and yet I had the day of all the
- ladies that appeared at the ball, I mean of those that appeared with
- faces on. As for those masked, nothing could be said of them, no doubt
- there might be many finer than I was; it must be confessed that the
- habit was infinitely advantageous to me, and everybody looked at me with
- a kind of pleasure, which gave me great advantage too.
- After I had danced with that noble person, I did not offer to dance by
- myself, as I had before; but they all called out "Roxana" again; and two
- of the gentlemen came into the drawing-room to entreat me to give them
- the Turkish dance, which I yielded to readily, so I came out and danced
- just as at first.
- While I was dancing, I perceived five persons standing all together, and
- among them only one with his hat on. It was an immediate hint to me who
- it was, and had at first almost put me into some disorder; but I went
- on, received the applause of the house, as before, and retired into my
- own room. When I was there, the five gentlemen came across the room to
- my side, and, coming in, followed by a throng of great persons, the
- person with his hat on said, "Madam Roxana, you perform to admiration."
- I was prepared, and offered to kneel to kiss his hand, but he declined
- it, and saluted me, and so, passing back again through the great room,
- went away.
- I do not say here who this was, but I say I came afterwards to know
- something more plainly. I would have withdrawn, and disrobed, being
- somewhat too thin in that dress, unlaced and open-breasted, as if I had
- been in my shift; but it could not be, and I was obliged to dance
- afterwards with six or eight gentlemen most, if not all of them, of the
- first rank; and I was told afterwards that one of them was the Duke of
- M[onmou]th.
- About two or three o'clock in the morning the company began to decrease;
- the number of women especially dropped away home, some and some at a
- time; and the gentlemen retired downstairs, where they unmasked and went
- to play.
- Amy waited at the room where they played, sat up all night to attend
- them, and in the morning when they broke up they swept the box into her
- lap, when she counted out to me sixty-two guineas and a half; and the
- other servants got very well too. Amy came to me when they were all
- gone; "Law, madam," says Amy, with a long gaping cry, "what shall I do
- with all this money?" And indeed the poor creature was half mad with
- joy.
- I was now in my element. I was as much talked of as anybody could
- desire, and I did not doubt but something or other would come of it; but
- the report of my being so rich rather was a balk to my view than
- anything else; for the gentlemen that would perhaps have been
- troublesome enough otherwise, seemed to be kept off, for Roxana was too
- high for them.
- There is a scene which came in here which I must cover from human eyes
- or ears. For three years and about a month Roxana lived retired, having
- been obliged to make an excursion in a manner, and with a person which
- duty and private vows obliges her not to reveal, at least not yet.
- At the end of this time I appeared again; but, I must add, that as I had
- in this time of retreat made hay, &c., so I did not come abroad again
- with the same lustre, or shine with so much advantage as before. For as
- some people had got at least a suspicion of where I had been, and who
- had had me all the while, it began to be public that Roxana was, in
- short, a mere Roxana, neither better nor worse, and not that woman of
- honour and virtue that was at first supposed.
- You are now to suppose me about seven years come to town, and that I had
- not only suffered the old revenue, which I hinted was managed by Sir
- Robert Clayton, to grow, as was mentioned before, but I had laid up an
- incredible wealth, the time considered; and had I yet had the least
- thought of reforming, I had all the opportunity to do it with advantage
- that ever woman had. For the common vice of all whores, I mean money,
- was out of the question, nay, even avarice itself seemed to be glutted;
- for, including what I had saved in reserving the interest of £14,000,
- which, as above, I had left to grow, and including some very good
- presents I had made to me in mere compliment upon these shining
- masquerading meetings, which I held up for about two years, and what I
- made of three years of the most glorious retreat, as I call it, that
- ever woman had, I had fully doubled my first substance, and had near
- £5000 in money which I kept at home, besides abundance of plate and
- jewels, which I had either given me or had bought to set myself out for
- public days.
- In a word, I had now five-and-thirty thousand pounds estate; and as I
- found ways to live without wasting either principal or interest, I laid
- up £2000 every year at least out of the mere interest, adding it to the
- principal, and thus I went on.
- After the end of what I call my retreat, and out of which I brought a
- great deal of money, I appeared again, but I seemed like an old piece of
- plate that had been hoarded up some years, and comes out tarnished and
- discoloured; so I came out blown, and looked like a cast-off mistress;
- nor, indeed, was I any better, though I was not at all impaired in
- beauty except that I was a little fatter than I was formerly, and always
- granting that I was four years older.
- However, I preserved the youth of my temper, was always bright, pleasant
- in company, and agreeable to everybody, or else everybody flattered me;
- and in this condition I came abroad to the world again. And though I was
- not so popular as before, and indeed did not seek it, because I knew it
- could not be, yet I was far from being without company, and that of the
- greatest quality (of subjects I mean), who frequently visited me, and
- sometimes we had meetings for mirth and play at my apartments, where I
- failed not to divert them in the most agreeable manner possible.
- Nor could any of them make the least particular application to me, from
- the notion they had of my excessive wealth, which, as they thought,
- placed me above the meanness of a maintenance, and so left no room to
- come easily about me.
- But at last I was very handsomely attacked by a person of honour, and
- (which recommended him particularly to me) a person of a very great
- estate. He made a long introduction to me upon the subject of my wealth.
- "Ignorant creature!" said I to myself, considering him as a lord, "was
- there ever woman in the world that could stoop to the baseness of being
- a whore, and was above taking the reward of her vice! No, no, depend
- upon it, if your lordship obtains anything of me, you must pay for it;
- and the notion of my being so rich serves only to make it cost you the
- dearer, seeing you cannot offer a small matter to a woman of £2000 a
- year estate."
- After he had harangued upon that subject a good while, and had assured
- me he had no design upon me, that he did not come to make a prize of me,
- or to pick my pocket, which, by the way, I was in no fear of, for I took
- too much care of my money to part with any of it that way, he then
- turned his discourse to the subject of love, a point so ridiculous to me
- without the main thing, I mean the money, that I had no patience to hear
- him make so long a story of it.
- I received him civilly, and let him see I could bear to hear a wicked
- proposal without being affronted, and yet I was not to be brought into
- it too easily. He visited me a long while, and, in short, courted me as
- closely and assiduously as if he had been wooing me to matrimony. He
- made me several valuable presents, which I suffered myself to be
- prevailed with to accept, but not without great difficulty.
- Gradually I suffered also his other importunities; and when he made a
- proposal of a compliment or appointment to me for a settlement, he said
- that though I was rich, yet there was not the less due from him to
- acknowledge the favours he received; and that if I was to be his I
- should not live at my own expense, cost what it would. I told him I was
- far from being extravagant, and yet I did not live at the expense of
- less than £500 a year out of my own pocket; that, however, I was not
- covetous of settled allowances, for I looked upon that as a kind of
- golden chain, something like matrimony; that though I knew how to be
- true to a man of honour, as I knew his lordship to be, yet I had a kind
- of aversion to the bonds; and though I was not so rich as the world
- talked me up to be, yet I was not so poor as to bind myself to hardships
- for a pension.
- He told me he expected to make my life perfectly easy, and intended it
- so; that he knew of no bondage there could be in a private engagement
- between us; that the bonds of honour he knew I would be tied by, and
- think them no burthen; and for other obligations, he scorned to expect
- anything from me but what he knew as a woman of honour I could grant.
- Then as to maintenance, he told me he would soon show me that he valued
- me infinitely above £500 a year, and upon this foot we began.
- I seemed kinder to him after this discourse, and as time and private
- conversation made us very intimate, we began to come nearer to the main
- article, namely, the £500 a year. He offered that at first word, and to
- acknowledge it as an infinite favour to have it be accepted of; and I,
- that thought it was too much by all the money, suffered myself to be
- mastered, or prevailed with to yield, even on but a bare engagement upon
- parole.
- When he had obtained his end that way, I told him my mind. "Now you
- see, my lord," said I, "how weakly I have acted, namely, to yield to you
- without any capitulation, or anything secured to me but that which you
- may cease to allow when you please. If I am the less valued for such a
- confidence, I shall be injured in a manner that I will endeavour not to
- deserve."
- He told me that he would make it evident to me that he did not seek me
- by way of bargain, as such things were often done; that as I had treated
- him with a generous confidence, so I should find I was in the hands of a
- man of honour, and one that knew how to value the obligation; and upon
- this he pulled out a goldsmith's bill for £300, which (putting it into
- my hand), he said, he gave me as a pledge that I should not be a loser
- by my not having made a bargain with him.
- This was engaging indeed, and gave me a good idea of our future
- correspondence; and, in short, as I could not refrain treating him with
- more kindness than I had done before, so one thing begetting another, I
- gave him several testimonies that I was entirely his own by inclination
- as well as by the common obligation of a mistress, and this pleased him
- exceedingly.
- Soon after this private engagement I began to consider whether it were
- not more suitable to the manner of life I now led to be a little less
- public; and, as I told my lord, it would rid me of the importunities of
- others, and of continual visits from a sort of people who he knew of,
- and who, by the way, having now got the notion of me which I really
- deserved, began to talk of the old game, love and gallantry, and to
- offer at what was rude enough--things as nauseous to me now as if I had
- been married and as virtuous as other people. The visits of these people
- began indeed to be uneasy to me, and particularly as they were always
- very tedious and impertinent; nor could my Lord ---- be pleased with
- them at all if they had gone on. It would be diverting to set down here
- in what manner I repulsed these sort of people; how in some I resented
- it as an affront, and told them that I was sorry they should oblige me
- to vindicate myself from the scandal of such suggestions by telling them
- that I could see them no more, and by desiring them not to give
- themselves the trouble of visiting me, who, though I was not willing to
- be uncivil, yet thought myself obliged never to receive any visit from
- any gentleman after he had made such proposals as those to me. But these
- things would be too tedious to bring in here. It was on this account I
- proposed to his lordship my taking new lodgings for privacy; besides, I
- considered that as I might live very handsomely, and yet not so
- publicly, so I needed not spend so much money by a great deal; and if I
- made £500 a year of this generous person, it was more than I had any
- occasion to spend by a great deal.
- My lord came readily into this proposal, and went further than I
- expected, for he found out a lodging for me in a very handsome house,
- where yet he was not known--I suppose he had employed somebody to find
- it out for him--and where he had a convenient way to come into the
- garden by a door that opened into the park, a thing very rarely allowed
- in those times.
- By this key he could come in at what time of night or day he pleased;
- and as we had also a little door in the lower part of the house which
- was always left upon a lock, and his was the master-key, so if it was
- twelve, one, or two o'clock at night, he could come directly into my
- bedchamber. _N.B._--I was not afraid I should be found abed with anybody
- else, for, in a word, I conversed with nobody at all.
- It happened pleasantly enough one night, his lordship had stayed late,
- and I, not expecting him that night, had taken Amy to bed with me, and
- when my lord came into the chamber we were both fast asleep. I think it
- was near three o'clock when he came in, and a little merry, but not at
- all fuddled or what they call in drink; and he came at once into the
- room.
- Amy was frighted out of her wits, and cried out. I said calmly, "Indeed,
- my lord, I did not expect you to-night, and we have been a little
- frighted to-night with fire." "Oh!" says he, "I see you have got a
- bedfellow with you." I began to make an apology. "No, no," says my lord,
- "you need no excuse, 'tis not a man bedfellow, I see;" but then, talking
- merrily enough, he catched his words back: "But, hark ye," says he, "now
- I think on 't, how shall I be satisfied it is not a man bedfellow?"
- "Oh," says I, "I dare say your lordship is satisfied 'tis poor Amy."
- "Yes," says he, "'tis Mrs. Amy; but how do I know what Amy is? it may be
- Mr. Amy for aught I know; I hope you'll give me leave to be satisfied."
- I told him, yes, by all means, I would have his lordship satisfied; but
- I supposed he knew who she was.
- Well, he fell foul of poor Amy, and indeed I thought once he would have
- carried the jest on before my face, as was once done in a like case; but
- his lordship was not so hot neither, but he would know whether Amy was
- Mr. Amy or Mrs. Amy, and so, I suppose, he did; and then being satisfied
- in that doubtful case, he walked to the farther end of the room, and
- went into a little closet and sat down.
- In the meantime Amy and I got up, and I bid her run and make the bed in
- another chamber for my lord, and I gave her sheets to put into it; which
- she did immediately, and I put my lord to bed there, and when I had
- done, at his desire went to bed to him. I was backward at first to come
- to bed to him, and made my excuse because I had been in bed with Amy,
- and had not shifted me; but he was past those niceties at that time; and
- as long as he was sure it was Mrs. Amy, and not Mr. Amy, he was very
- well satisfied, and so the jest passed over. But Amy appeared no more
- all that night, or the next day, and when she did, my lord was so merry
- with her upon his eclaircissement, as he called it, that Amy did not
- know what to do with herself.
- Not that Amy was such a nice lady in the main, if she had been fairly
- dealt with, as has appeared in the former part of this work; but now she
- was surprised, and a little hurried, that she scarce knew where she was;
- and besides, she was, as to his lordship, as nice a lady as any in the
- world, and for anything he knew of her she appeared as such. The rest
- was to us only that knew of it.
- I held this wicked scene of life out eight years, reckoning from my
- first coming to England; and though my lord found no fault, yet I found,
- without much examining, that any one who looked in my face might see I
- was above twenty years old; and yet, without flattering myself, I
- carried my age, which was above fifty, very well too.
- I may venture to say that no woman ever lived a life like me, of
- six-and-twenty years of wickedness, without the least signals of
- remorse, without any signs of repentance, or without so much as a wish
- to put an end to it; I had so long habituated myself to a life of vice,
- that really it appeared to be no vice to me. I went on smooth and
- pleasant, I wallowed in wealth, and it flowed in upon me at such a rate,
- having taken the frugal measures that the good knight directed, so that
- I had at the end of the eight years two thousand eight hundred pounds
- coming yearly in, of which I did not spend one penny, being maintained
- by my allowance from my Lord ----, and more than maintained by above
- £200 per annum; for though he did not contract for £500 a year, as I
- made dumb signs to have it be, yet he gave me money so often, and that
- in such large parcels, that I had seldom so little as seven to eight
- hundred pounds a year of him, one year with another.
- [Illustration: THE DUTCH MERCHANT CALLS ON ROXANA
- _"There," says she (ushering him in), "is the person who, I suppose,
- thou inquirest for"_
- PAGE 338]
- I must go back here, after telling openly the wicked things I did, to
- mention something which, however, had the face of doing good. I
- remembered that when I went from England, which was fifteen years
- before, I had left five little children, turned out as it were to the
- wide world, and to the charity of their father's relations; the eldest
- was not six years old, for we had not been married full seven years when
- their father went away.
- After my coming to England I was greatly desirous to hear how things
- stood with them, and whether they were all alive or not, and in what
- manner they had been maintained; and yet I resolved not to discover
- myself to them in the least, or to let any of the people that had the
- breeding of them up know that there was such a body left in the world as
- their mother.
- Amy was the only body I could trust with such a commission, and I sent
- her into Spitalfields, to the old aunt and to the poor woman that were
- so instrumental in disposing the relations to take some care of the
- children, but they were both gone, dead and buried some years. The next
- inquiry she made was at the house where she carried the poor children,
- and turned them in at the door. When she came there she found the house
- inhabited by other people, so that she could make little or nothing of
- her inquiries, and came back with an answer that indeed was no answer to
- me, for it gave me no satisfaction at all. I sent her back to inquire in
- the neighbourhood what was become of the family that lived in that
- house; and if they were removed, where they lived, and what
- circumstances they were in; and, withal, if she could, what became of
- the poor children, and how they lived, and where; how they had been
- treated; and the like.
- She brought me back word upon this second going, that she heard, as to
- the family, that the husband, who, though but uncle-in-law to the
- children, had yet been kindest to them, was dead; and that the widow was
- left but in mean circumstances--that is to say, she did not want, but
- that she was not so well in the world as she was thought to be when her
- husband was alive; that, as to the poor children, two of them, it seems,
- had been kept by her, that is to say, by her husband, while he lived,
- for that it was against her will, that we all knew; but the honest
- neighbours pitied the poor children, they said, heartily; for that their
- aunt used them barbarously, and made them little better than servants in
- the house to wait upon her and her children, and scarce allowed them
- clothes fit to wear.
- These were, it seems, my eldest and third, which were daughters; the
- second was a son, the fourth a daughter, and the youngest a son.
- To finish the melancholy part of this history of my two unhappy girls,
- she brought me word that as soon as they were able to go out and get any
- work they went from her, and some said she had turned them out of doors;
- but it seems she had not done so, but she used them so cruelly that they
- left her, and one of them went to service to a neighbour's, a little way
- off, who knew her, an honest, substantial weaver's wife, to whom she was
- chambermaid, and in a little time she took her sister out of the
- Bridewell of her aunt's house, and got her a place too.
- This was all melancholy and dull. I sent her then to the weaver's house,
- where the eldest had lived, but found that, her mistress being dead, she
- was gone, and nobody knew there whither she went, only that they heard
- she had lived with a great lady at the other end of the town; but they
- did not know who that lady was.
- These inquiries took us up three or four weeks, and I was not one jot
- the better for it, for I could hear nothing to my satisfaction. I sent
- her next to find out the honest man who, as in the beginning of my story
- I observed, made them be entertained, and caused the youngest to be
- fetched from the town where we lived, and where the parish officers had
- taken care of him. This gentleman was still alive; and there she heard
- that my youngest daughter and eldest son was dead also; but that my
- youngest son was alive, and was at that time about seventeen years old,
- and that he was put out apprentice by the kindness and charity of his
- uncle, but to a mean trade, and at which he was obliged to work very
- hard.
- Amy was so curious in this part that she went immediately to see him,
- and found him all dirty and hard at work. She had no remembrance at all
- of the youth, for she had not seen him since he was about two years old;
- and it was evident he could have no knowledge of her.
- However, she talked with him, and found him a good, sensible, mannerly
- youth; that he knew little of the story of his father or mother, and had
- no view of anything but to work hard for his living; and she did not
- think fit to put any great things into his head, lest it should take him
- off of his business, and perhaps make him turn giddy-headed and be good
- for nothing; but she went and found out that kind man, his benefactor,
- who had put him out, and finding him a plain, well-meaning, honest, and
- kind-hearted man, she opened her tale to him the easier. She made a long
- story, how she had a prodigious kindness for the child, because she had
- the same for his father and mother; told him that she was the
- servant-maid that brought all of them to their aunt's door, and run away
- and left them; that their poor mother wanted bread, and what came of her
- after she would have been glad to know. She added that her circumstances
- had happened to mend in the world, and that, as she was in condition,
- so she was disposed to show some kindness to the children if she could
- find them out.
- He received her with all the civility that so kind a proposal demanded,
- gave her an account of what he had done for the child, how he had
- maintained him, fed and clothed him, put him to school, and at last put
- him out to a trade. She said he had indeed been a father to the child.
- "But, sir," says she, "'tis a very laborious, hard-working trade, and he
- is but a thin, weak boy." "That's true," says he; "but the boy chose the
- trade, and I assure you I gave £20 with him, and am to find him clothes
- all his apprenticeship; and as to its being a hard trade," says he,
- "that's the fate of his circumstances, poor boy. I could not well do
- better for him."
- "Well, sir, as you did all for him in charity," says she, "it was
- exceeding well; but, as my resolution is to do something for him, I
- desire you will, if possible, take him away again from that place, where
- he works so hard, for I cannot bear to see the child work so very hard
- for his bread, and I will do something for him that shall make him live
- without such hard labour."
- He smiled at that. "I can, indeed," says he, "take him away, but then I
- must lose my £20 that I gave with him."
- "Well, sir," said Amy, "I'll enable you to lose that £20 immediately;"
- and so she put her hand in her pocket and pulls out her purse.
- He begun to be a little amazed at her, and looked her hard in the face,
- and that so very much that she took notice of it, and said, "Sir, I
- fancy by your looking at me you think you know me, but I am assured you
- do not, for I never saw your face before. I think you have done enough
- for the child, and that you ought to be acknowledged as a father to him;
- but you ought not to lose by your kindness to him, more than the
- kindness of bringing him up obliges you to; and therefore there's the
- £20," added she, "and pray let him be fetched away."
- "Well, madam," says he, "I will thank you for the boy, as well as for
- myself; but will you please to tell me what I must do with him?"
- "Sir," says Amy, "as you have been so kind to keep him so many years, I
- beg you will take him home again one year more, and I'll bring you a
- hundred pounds more, which I will desire you to lay out in schooling and
- clothes for him, and to pay you for his board. Perhaps I may put him in
- a condition to return your kindness."
- He looked pleased, but surprised very much, and inquired of Amy, but
- with very great respect, what he should go to school to learn, and what
- trade she would please to put him out to.
- Amy said he should put him to learn a little Latin, and then merchants'
- accounts, and to write a good hand, for she would have him be put to a
- Turkey merchant.
- "Madam," says he, "I am glad for his sake to hear you talk so; but do
- you know that a Turkey merchant will not take him under £400 or £500?"
- "Yes, sir," says Amy, "I know it very well."
- "And," says he, "that it will require as many thousands to set him up?"
- "Yes, sir," says Amy, "I know that very well too;" and, resolving to
- talk very big, she added, "I have no children of my own, and I resolve
- to make him my heir, and if £10,000 be required to set him up, he shall
- not want it. I was but his mother's servant when he was born, and I
- mourned heartily for the disaster of the family, and I always said, if
- ever I was worth anything in the world, I would take the child for my
- own, and I'll be as good as my word now, though I did not then foresee
- that it would be with me as it has been since." And so Amy told him a
- long story how she was troubled for me, and what she would give to hear
- whether I was dead or alive, and what circumstances I was in; that if
- she could but find me, if I was ever so poor, she would take care of me,
- and make a gentlewoman of me again.
- He told her that, as to the child's mother, she had been reduced to the
- last extremity, and was obliged (as he supposed she knew) to send the
- children all among her husband's friends; and if it had not been for
- him, they had all been sent to the parish; but that he obliged the other
- relations to share the charge among them; that he had taken two, whereof
- he had lost the eldest, who died of the smallpox, but that he had been
- as careful of this as of his own, and had made very little difference in
- their breeding up, only that when he came to put him out he thought it
- was best for the boy to put him to a trade which he might set up in
- without a stock, for otherwise his time would be lost; and that as to
- his mother, he had never been able to hear one word of her, no, not
- though he had made the utmost inquiry after her; that there went a
- report that she had drowned herself, but that he could never meet with
- anybody that could give him a certain account of it.
- Amy counterfeited a cry for her poor mistress; told him she would give
- anything in the world to see her, if she was alive; and a great deal
- more such-like talk they had about that; then they returned to speak of
- the boy.
- He inquired of her why she did not seek after the child before, that he
- might have been brought up from a younger age, suitable to what she
- designed to do for him.
- She told him she had been out of England, and was but newly returned
- from the East Indies. That she had been out of England, and was but
- newly returned, was true, but the latter was false, and was put in to
- blind him, and provide against farther inquiries; for it was not a
- strange thing for young women to go away poor to the East Indies, and
- come home vastly rich. So she went on with directions about him, and
- both agreed in this, that the boy should by no means be told what was
- intended for him, but only that he should be taken home again to his
- uncle's, that his uncle thought the trade too hard for him, and the
- like.
- About three days after this Amy goes again, and carried him the hundred
- pounds she promised him, but then Amy made quite another figure than she
- did before; for she went in my coach, with two footmen after her, and
- dressed very fine also, with jewels and a gold watch; and there was
- indeed no great difficulty to make Amy look like a lady, for she was a
- very handsome, well-shaped woman, and genteel enough. The coachman and
- servants were particularly ordered to show her the same respect as they
- would to me, and to call her Madam Collins, if they were asked any
- questions about her.
- When the gentleman saw what a figure she made it added to the former
- surprise, and he entertained her in the most respectful manner possible,
- congratulated her advancement in fortune, and particularly rejoiced that
- it should fall to the poor child's lot to be so provided for, contrary
- to all expectation.
- Well, Amy talked big, but very free and familiar, told them she had no
- pride in her good fortune (and that was true enough, for, to give Amy
- her due, she was far from it, and was as good-humoured a creature as
- ever lived); that she was the same as ever; and that she always loved
- this boy, and was resolved to do something extraordinary for him.
- Then she pulled out her money, and paid him down a hundred and twenty
- pounds, which, she said, she paid him that he might be sure he should
- be no loser by taking him home again, and that she would come and see
- him again, and talk farther about things with him, so that all might be
- settled for him, in such a manner as accidents, such as mortality, or
- anything else, should make no alteration to the child's prejudice.
- At this meeting the uncle brought his wife out, a good, motherly,
- comely, grave woman, who spoke very tenderly of the youth, and, as it
- appeared, had been very good to him, though she had several children of
- her own. After a long discourse, she put in a word of her own. "Madam,"
- says she, "I am heartily glad of the good intentions you have for this
- poor orphan, and I rejoice sincerely in it for his sake; but, madam, you
- know, I suppose, that there are two sisters alive too; may we not speak
- a word for them? Poor girls," says she, "they have not been so kindly
- used as he has, and are turned out to the wide world."
- "Where are they, madam?" says Amy.
- "Poor creatures," says the gentlewoman, "they are out at service, nobody
- knows where but themselves; their case is very hard."
- "Well, madam," says Amy, "though if I could find them I would assist
- them, yet my concern is for my boy, as I call him, and I will put him
- into a condition to take care of his sisters."
- "But, madam," says the good, compassionate creature, "he may not be so
- charitable perhaps by his own inclination, for brothers are not
- fathers, and they have been cruelly used already, poor girls; we have
- often relieved them, both with victuals and clothes too, even while they
- were pretended to be kept by their barbarous aunt."
- "Well, madam," says Amy, "what can I do for them? They are gone, it
- seems, and cannot be heard of. When I see them 'tis time enough."
- She pressed Amy then to oblige their brother, out of the plentiful
- fortune he was like to have, to do something for his sisters when he
- should be able.
- Amy spoke coldly of that still, but said she would consider of it; and
- so they parted for that time. They had several meetings after this, for
- Amy went to see her adopted son, and ordered his schooling, clothes, and
- other things, but enjoined them not to tell the young man anything, but
- that they thought the trade he was at too hard for him, and they would
- keep him at home a little longer, and give him some schooling to fit him
- for other business; and Amy appeared to him as she did before, only as
- one that had known his mother and had some kindness for him.
- Thus this matter passed on for near a twelvemonth, when it happened that
- one of my maid-servants having asked Amy leave (for Amy was mistress of
- the servants, and took and put out such as she pleased)--I say, having
- asked leave to go into the city to see her friends, came home crying
- bitterly, and in a most grievous agony she was, and continued so
- several days till Amy, perceiving the excess, and that the maid would
- certainly cry herself sick, she took an opportunity with her and
- examined her about it.
- The maid told her a long story, that she had been to see her brother,
- the only brother she had in the world, and that she knew he was put out
- apprentice to a ----; but there had come a lady in a coach to his uncle
- ----, who had brought him up, and made him take him home again; and so
- the wench run on with the whole story just as 'tis told above, till she
- came to that part that belonged to herself. "And there," says she, "I
- had not let them know where I lived, and the lady would have taken me,
- and, they say, would have provided for me too, as she has done for my
- brother; but nobody could tell where to find me, and so I have lost it
- all, and all the hopes of being anything but a poor servant all my
- days;" and then the girl fell a-crying again.
- Amy said, "What's all this story? Who could this lady be? It must be
- some trick, sure." "No," she said, "it was not a trick, for she had made
- them take her brother home from apprentice, and bought him new clothes,
- and put him to have more learning; and the gentlewoman said she would
- make him her heir."
- "Her heir!" says Amy. "What does that amount to? It may be she had
- nothing to leave him; she might make anybody her heir."
- "No, no,"' says the girl; "she came in a fine coach and horses, and I
- don't know how many footmen to attend her, and brought a great bag of
- gold and gave it to my uncle ----, he that brought up my brother, to buy
- him clothes and to pay for his schooling and board."
- "He that brought up your brother?" says Amy. "Why, did not he bring you
- up too as well as your brother? Pray who brought you up, then?"
- Here the poor girl told a melancholy story, how an aunt had brought up
- her and her sister, and how barbarously she had used them, as we have
- heard.
- By this time Amy had her head full enough, and her heart too, and did
- not know how to hold it, or what to do, for she was satisfied that this
- was no other than my own daughter, for she told her all the history of
- her father and mother, and how she was carried by their maid to her
- aunt's door, just as is related in the beginning of my story.
- Amy did not tell me this story for a great while, nor did she well know
- what course to take in it; but as she had authority to manage everything
- in the family, she took occasion some time after, without letting me
- know anything of it, to find some fault with the maid and turn her away.
- Her reasons were good, though at first I was not pleased when I heard of
- it, but I was convinced afterwards that she was in the right, for if she
- had told me of it I should have been in great perplexity between the
- difficulty of concealing myself from my own child and the inconvenience
- of having my way of living be known among my first husband's relations,
- and even to my husband himself; for as to his being dead at Paris, Amy,
- seeing me resolved against marrying any more, had told me that she had
- formed that story only to make me easy when I was in Holland if anything
- should offer to my liking.
- However, I was too tender a mother still, notwithstanding what I had
- done, to let this poor girl go about the world drudging, as it were, for
- bread, and slaving at the fire and in the kitchen as a cook-maid;
- besides, it came into my head that she might perhaps marry some poor
- devil of a footman, or a coachman, or some such thing, and be undone
- that way, or, which was worse, be drawn in to lie with some of that
- coarse, cursed kind, and be with child, and be utterly ruined that way;
- and in the midst of all my prosperity this gave me great uneasiness.
- As to sending Amy to her, there was no doing that now, for, as she had
- been servant in the house, she knew Amy as well as Amy knew me; and no
- doubt, though I was much out of her sight, yet she might have had the
- curiosity to have peeped at me, and seen me enough to know me again if I
- had discovered myself to her; so that, in short, there was nothing to be
- done that way.
- However, Amy, a diligent indefatigable creature, found out another
- woman, and gave her her errand, and sent her to the honest man's house
- in Spitalfields, whither she supposed the girl would go after she was
- out of her place; and bade her talk with her, and tell her at a distance
- that as something had been done for her brother, so something would be
- done for her too; and, that she should not be discouraged, she carried
- her £20 to buy her clothes, and bid her not go to service any more, but
- think of other things; that she should take a lodging in some good
- family, and that she should soon hear farther.
- The girl was overjoyed with this news, you may be sure, and at first a
- little too much elevated with it, and dressed herself very handsomely
- indeed, and as soon as she had done so came and paid a visit to Madam
- Amy, to let her see how fine she was. Amy congratulated her, and wished
- it might be all as she expected, but admonished her not to be elevated
- with it too much; told her humility was the best ornament of a
- gentlewoman, and a great deal of good advice she gave her, but
- discovered nothing.
- All this was acted in the first years of my setting up my new figure
- here in town, and while the masks and balls were in agitation; and Amy
- carried on the affair of setting out my son into the world, which we
- were assisted in by the sage advice of my faithful counsellor, Sir
- Robert Clayton, who procured us a master for him, by whom he was
- afterwards sent abroad to Italy, as you shall hear in its place; and Amy
- managed my daughter too very well, though by a third hand.
- My amour with my Lord ---- began now to draw to an end, and indeed,
- notwithstanding his money, it had lasted so long that I was much more
- sick of his lordship than he could be of me. He grew old and fretful,
- and captious, and I must add, which made the vice itself begin to grow
- surfeiting and nauseous to me, he grew worse and wickeder the older he
- grew, and that to such degree as is not fit to write of, and made me so
- weary of him that upon one of his capricious humours, which he often
- took occasion to trouble me with, I took occasion to be much less
- complaisant to him than I used to be; and as I knew him to be hasty, I
- first took care to put him into a little passion, and then to resent it,
- and this brought us to words, in which I told him I thought he grew sick
- of me; and he answered in a heat that truly so he was. I answered that I
- found his lordship was endeavouring to make me sick too; that I had met
- with several such rubs from him of late, and that he did not use me as
- he used to do, and I begged his lordship he would make himself easy.
- This I spoke with an air of coldness and indifference such as I knew he
- could not bear; but I did not downright quarrel with him and tell him I
- was sick of him too, and desire him to quit me, for I knew that would
- come of itself; besides, I had received a great deal of handsome usage
- from him, and I was loth to have the breach be on my side, that he might
- not be able to say I was ungrateful.
- [Illustration: THE AMOUR DRAWS TO AN END
- _I told him I thought he grew sick of me; and he answered in a heat that
- truly so he was_]
- But he put the occasion into my hands, for he came no more to me for two
- months; indeed I expected a fit of absence, for such I had had several
- times before, but not for above a fortnight or three weeks at most;
- but after I had stayed a month, which was longer than ever he kept away
- yet, I took a new method with him, for I was resolved now it should be
- in my power to continue or not, as I thought fit. At the end of a month,
- therefore, I removed, and took lodgings at Kensington Gravel Pits, at
- that part next to the road to Acton, and left nobody in my lodgings but
- Amy and a footman, with proper instructions how to behave when his
- lordship, being come to himself, should think fit to come again, which I
- knew he would.
- About the end of two months, he came in the dusk of the evening as
- usual. The footman answered him, and told him his lady was not at home,
- but there was Mrs. Amy above; so he did not order her to be called down,
- but went upstairs into the dining-room, and Mrs. Amy came to him. He
- asked where I was. "My lord," said she, "my mistress has been removed a
- good while from hence, and lives at Kensington." "Ah, Mrs. Amy! how came
- you to be here, then?" "My lord," said she, "we are here till the
- quarter-day, because the goods are not removed, and to give answers if
- any comes to ask for my lady." "Well, and what answer are you to give to
- me?" "Indeed, my lord," says Amy, "I have no particular answer to your
- lordship, but to tell you and everybody else where my lady lives, that
- they may not think she's run away." "No, Mrs. Amy," says he, "I don't
- think she's run away; but, indeed, I can't go after her so far as
- that." Amy said nothing to that, but made a courtesy, and said she
- believed I would be there again for a week or two in a little time. "How
- little time, Mrs Amy?" says my lord. "She comes next Tuesday," says Amy.
- "Very well," says my lord; "I'll call and see her then;" and so he went
- away.
- Accordingly I came on the Tuesday, and stayed a fortnight, but he came
- not; so I went back to Kensington, and after that I had very few of his
- lordship's visits, which I was very glad of, and in a little time after
- was more glad of it than I was at first, and upon a far better account
- too.
- For now I began not to be sick of his lordship only, but really I began
- to be sick of the vice; and as I had good leisure now to divert and
- enjoy myself in the world as much as it was possible for any woman to do
- that ever lived in it, so I found that my judgment began to prevail upon
- me to fix my delight upon nobler objects than I had formerly done, and
- the very beginning of this brought some just reflections upon me
- relating to things past, and to the former manner of my living; and
- though there was not the least hint in all this from what may be called
- religion or conscience, and far from anything of repentance, or anything
- that was akin to it, especially at first, yet the sense of things, and
- the knowledge I had of the world, and the vast variety of scenes that I
- had acted my part in, began to work upon my senses, and it came so very
- strong upon my mind one morning when I had been lying awake some time
- in my bed, as if somebody had asked me the question, What was I a whore
- for now? It occurred naturally upon this inquiry, that at first I
- yielded to the importunity of my circumstances, the misery of which the
- devil dismally aggravated, to draw me to comply; for I confess I had
- strong natural aversions to the crime at first, partly owing to a
- virtuous education, and partly to a sense of religion; but the devil,
- and that greater devil of poverty, prevailed; and the person who laid
- siege to me did it in such an obliging, and I may almost say
- irresistible, manner, all still managed by the evil spirit; for I must
- be allowed to believe that he has a share in all such things, if not the
- whole management of them. But, I say, it was carried on by that person
- in such an irresistible manner that, as I said when I related the fact,
- there was no withstanding it; these circumstances, I say, the devil
- managed not only to bring me to comply, but he continued them as
- arguments to fortify my mind against all reflection, and to keep me in
- that horrid course I had engaged in, as if it were honest and lawful.
- But not to dwell upon that now; this was a pretence, and here was
- something to be said, though I acknowledge it ought not to have been
- sufficient to me at all; but, I say, to leave that, all this was out of
- doors; the devil himself could not form one argument, or put one reason
- into my head now, that could serve for an answer--no, not so much as a
- pretended answer to this question, why I should be a whore now.
- It had for a while been a little kind of excuse to me that I was engaged
- with this wicked old lord, and that I could not in honour forsake him;
- but how foolish and absurd did it look to repeat the word "honour" on so
- vile an occasion! as if a woman should prostitute her honour in point of
- honour--horrid inconsistency! Honour called upon me to detest the crime
- and the man too, and to have resisted all the attacks which, from the
- beginning, had been made upon my virtue; and honour, had it been
- consulted, would have preserved me honest from the beginning:
- "For 'honesty' and 'honour' are the same."
- This, however, shows us with what faint excuses and with what trifles we
- pretend to satisfy ourselves, and suppress the attempts of conscience,
- in the pursuit of agreeable crime, and in the possessing those pleasures
- which we are loth to part with.
- But this objection would now serve no longer, for my lord had in some
- sort broke his engagements (I won't call it honour again) with me, and
- had so far slighted me as fairly to justify my entire quitting of him
- now; and so, as the objection was fully answered, the question remained
- still unanswered, Why am I a whore now? Nor indeed had I anything to say
- for myself, even to myself; I could not without blushing, as wicked as I
- was, answer that I loved it for the sake of the vice, and that I
- delighted in being a whore, as such; I say, I could not say this, even
- to myself, and all alone, nor indeed would it have been true. I was
- never able, in justice and with truth, to say I was so wicked as that;
- but as necessity first debauched me, and poverty made me a whore at the
- beginning, so excess of avarice for getting money and excess of vanity
- continued me in the crime, not being able to resist the flatteries of
- great persons; being called the finest woman in France; being caressed
- by a prince; and afterwards, I had pride enough to expect and folly
- enough to believe, though indeed without ground, by a great monarch.
- These were my baits, these the chains by which the devil held me bound,
- and by which I was indeed too fast held for any reasoning that I was
- then mistress of to deliver me from.
- But this was all over now; avarice could have no pretence. I was out of
- the reach of all that fate could be supposed to do to reduce me; now I
- was so far from poor, or the danger of it, that I had £50,000 in my
- pocket at least; nay, I had the income of £50,000, for I had £2500 a
- year coming in upon very good land security, besides three or four
- thousand pounds in money, which I kept by me for ordinary occasions,
- and, besides, jewels, and plate, and goods which were worth near £5600
- more; these put together, when I ruminated on it all in my thoughts, as
- you may be sure I did often, added weight still to the question, as
- above, and it sounded continually in my head, "What next? What am I a
- whore for now?"
- It is true this was, as I say, seldom out of my thoughts, but yet it
- made no impressions upon me of that kind which might be expected from a
- reflection of so important a nature, and which had so much of substance
- and seriousness in it.
- But, however, it was not without some little consequences, even at that
- time, and which gave a little turn to my way of living at first, as you
- shall hear in its place.
- But one particular thing intervened besides this which gave me some
- uneasiness at this time, and made way for other things that followed. I
- have mentioned in several little digressions the concern I had upon me
- for my children, and in what manner I had directed that affair; I must
- go on a little with that part, in order to bring the subsequent parts of
- my story together.
- My boy, the only son I had left that I had a legal right to call "son,"
- was, as I have said, rescued from the unhappy circumstances of being
- apprentice to a mechanic, and was brought up upon a new foot; but though
- this was infinitely to his advantage, yet it put him back near three
- years in his coming into this world; for he had been near a year at the
- drudgery he was first put to, and it took up two years more to form him
- for what he had hopes given him he should hereafter be, so that he was
- full nineteen years old, or rather twenty years, before he came to be
- put out as I intended; at the end of which time I put him to a very
- flourishing Italian merchant, and he again sent him to Messina, in the
- island of Sicily; and a little before the juncture I am now speaking of
- I had letters from him--that is to say, Mrs. Amy had letters from him,
- intimating that he was out of his time, and that he had an opportunity
- to be taken into an English house there, on very good terms, if his
- support from hence might answer what he was bid to hope for; and so
- begged that what would be done for him might be so ordered that he might
- have it for his present advancement, referring for the particulars to
- his master, the merchant in London, who he had been put apprentice to
- here; who, to cut the story short, gave such a satisfactory account of
- it, and of my young man, to my steady and faithful counsellor, Sir
- Robert Clayton, that I made no scruple to pay £4000, which was £1000
- more than he demanded, or rather proposed, that he might have
- encouragement to enter into the world better than he expected.
- His master remitted the money very faithfully to him; and finding, by
- Sir Robert Clayton, that the young gentleman--for so he called him--was
- well supported, wrote such letters on his account as gave him a credit
- at Messina equal in value to the money itself.
- I could not digest it very well that I should all this while conceal
- myself thus from my own child, and make all this favour due, in his
- opinion, to a stranger; and yet I could not find in my heart to let my
- son know what a mother he had, and what a life she lived; when, at the
- same time that he must think himself infinitely obliged to me, he must
- be obliged, if he was a man of virtue, to hate his mother, and abhor the
- way of living by which all the bounty he enjoyed was raised.
- This is the reason of mentioning this part of my son's story, which is
- otherwise no ways concerned in my history, but as it put me upon
- thinking how to put an end to that wicked course I was in, that my own
- child, when he should afterwards come to England in a good figure, and
- with the appearance of a merchant, should not be ashamed to own me.
- But there was another difficulty, which lay heavier upon me a great
- deal, and that was my daughter, who, as before, I had relieved by the
- hands of another instrument, which Amy had procured. The girl, as I have
- mentioned, was directed to put herself into a good garb, take lodgings,
- and entertain a maid to wait upon her, and to give herself some
- breeding--that is to say, to learn to dance, and fit herself to appear
- as a gentlewoman; being made to hope that she should, some time or
- other, find that she should be put into a condition to support her
- character, and to make herself amends for all her former troubles. She
- was only charged not to be drawn into matrimony till she was secured of
- a fortune that might assist to dispose of herself suitable not to what
- she then was, but what she was to be.
- The girl was too sensible of her circumstances not to give all possible
- satisfaction of that kind, and indeed she was mistress of too much
- understanding not to see how much she should be obliged to that part for
- her own interest.
- It was not long after this, but being well equipped, and in everything
- well set out, as she was directed, she came, as I have related above,
- and paid a visit to Mrs. Amy, and to tell her of her good fortune. Amy
- pretended to be much surprised at the alteration, and overjoyed for her
- sake, and began to treat her very well, entertained her handsomely, and
- when she would have gone away, pretended to ask my leave, and sent my
- coach home with her; and, in short, learning from her where she lodged,
- which was in the city, Amy promised to return her visit, and did so;
- and, in a word, Amy and Susan (for she was my own name) began an
- intimate acquaintance together.
- There was an inexpressible difficulty in the poor girl's way, or else I
- should not have been able to have forborne discovering myself to her,
- and this was, her having been a servant in my particular family; and I
- could by no means think of ever letting the children know what a kind of
- creature they owed their being to, or giving them an occasion to upbraid
- their mother with her scandalous life, much less to justify the like
- practice from my example.
- Thus it was with me; and thus, no doubt, considering parents always find
- it that their own children are a restraint to them in their worst
- courses, when the sense of a superior power has not the same influence.
- But of that hereafter.
- There happened, however, one good circumstance in the case of this poor
- girl, which brought about a discovery sooner than otherwise it would
- have been, and it was thus. After she and Amy had been intimate for some
- time, and had exchanged several visits, the girl, now grown a woman,
- talking to Amy of the gay things that used to fall out when she was
- servant in my family, spoke of it with a kind of concern that she could
- not see (me) her lady; and at last she adds, "'Twas very strange,
- madam," says she to Amy, "but though I lived near two years in the
- house, I never saw my mistress in my life, except it was that public
- night when she danced in the fine Turkish habit, and then she was so
- disguised that I knew nothing of her afterwards."
- Amy was glad to hear this, but as she was a cunning girl from the
- beginning, she was not to be bit, and so she laid no stress upon that at
- first, but gave me an account of it; and I must confess it gave me a
- secret joy to think that I was not known to her, and that, by virtue of
- that only accident, I might, when other circumstances made room for it,
- discover myself to her, and let her know she had a mother in a condition
- fit to be owned.
- It was a dreadful restraint to me before, and this gave me some very sad
- reflections, and made way for the great question I have mentioned above;
- and by how much the circumstance was bitter to me, by so much the more
- agreeable it was to understand that the girl had never seen me, and
- consequently did not know me again if she was to be told who I was.
- However, the next time she came to visit Amy, I was resolved to put it
- to a trial, and to come into the room and let her see me, and to see by
- that whether she knew me or not; but Amy put me by, lest indeed, as
- there was reason enough to question, I should not be able to contain or
- forbear discovering myself to her; so it went off for that time.
- But both these circumstances, and that is the reason of mentioning them,
- brought me to consider of the life I lived, and to resolve to put myself
- into some figure of life in which I might not be scandalous to my own
- family, and be afraid to make myself known to my own children, who were
- my own flesh and blood.
- There was another daughter I had, which, with all our inquiries, we
- could not hear of, high nor low, for several years after the first. But
- I return to my own story.
- Being now in part removed from my old station, I seemed to be in a fair
- way of retiring from my old acquaintances, and consequently from the
- vile, abominable trade I had driven so long; so that the door seemed to
- be, as it were, particularly open to my reformation, if I had any mind
- to it in earnest; but, for all that, some of my old friends, as I had
- used to call them, inquired me out, and came to visit me at Kensington,
- and that more frequently than I wished they would do; but it being once
- known where I was, there was no avoiding it, unless I would have
- downright refused and affronted them; and I was not yet in earnest
- enough with my resolutions to go that length.
- The best of it was, my old lewd favourite, who I now heartily hated,
- entirely dropped me. He came once to visit me, but I caused Amy to deny
- me, and say I was gone out. She did it so oddly, too, that when his
- lordship went away, he said coldly to her, "Well, well, Mrs. Amy, I find
- your mistress does not desire to be seen; tell her I won't trouble her
- any more," repeating the words "any more" two or three times over, just
- at his going away.
- I reflected a little on it at first as unkind to him, having had so many
- considerable presents from him, but, as I have said, I was sick of him,
- and that on some accounts which, if I could suffer myself to publish
- them, would fully justify my conduct. But that part of the story will
- not bear telling, so I must leave it, and proceed.
- I had begun a little, as I have said above, to reflect upon my manner of
- living, and to think of putting a new face upon it, and nothing moved me
- to it more than the consideration of my having three children, who were
- now grown up; and yet that while I was in that station of life I could
- not converse with them or make myself known to them; and this gave me a
- great deal of uneasiness. At last I entered into talk on this part of it
- with my woman Amy.
- We lived at Kensington, as I have said, and though I had done with my
- old wicked l----, as above, yet I was frequently visited, as I said, by
- some others; so that, in a word, I began to be known in the town, not by
- name only, but by my character too, which was worse.
- It was one morning when Amy was in bed with me, and I had some of my
- dullest thoughts about me, that Amy, hearing me sigh pretty often, asked
- me if I was not well. "Yes, Amy, I am well enough," says I, "but my mind
- is oppressed with heavy thoughts, and has been so a good while;" and
- then I told her how it grieved me that I could not make myself known to
- my own children, or form any acquaintances in the world. "Why so?" says
- Amy. "Why, prithee, Amy," says I, "what will my children say to
- themselves, and to one another, when they find their mother, however
- rich she may be, is at best but a whore, a common whore? And as for
- acquaintance, prithee, Amy, what sober lady or what family of any
- character will visit or be acquainted with a whore?"
- "Why, all that's true, madam," says Amy; "but how can it be remedied
- now?" "'Tis true, Amy," said I, "the thing cannot be remedied now, but
- the scandal of it, I fancy, may be thrown off."
- "Truly," says Amy, "I do not see how, unless you will go abroad again,
- and live in some other nation where nobody has known us or seen us, so
- that they cannot say they ever saw us before."
- That very thought of Amy put what follows into my head, and I returned,
- "Why, Amy," says I, "is it not possible for me to shift my being from
- this part of the town and go and live in another part of the city, or
- another part of the country, and be as entirely concealed as if I had
- never been known?"
- "Yes," says Amy, "I believe it might; but then you must put off all your
- equipages and servants, coaches and horses, change your liveries--nay,
- your own clothes, and, if it was possible, your very face."
- "Well," says I, "and that's the way, Amy, and that I'll do, and that
- forthwith; for I am not able to live in this manner any longer." Amy
- came into this with a kind of pleasure particular to herself--that is to
- say, with an eagerness not to be resisted; for Amy was apt to be
- precipitant in her motions, and was for doing it immediately. "Well,"
- says I, "Amy, as soon as you will; but what course must we take to do
- it? We cannot put off servants, and coach and horses, and everything,
- leave off housekeeping, and transform ourselves into a new shape all in
- a moment; servants must have warning, and the goods must be sold off,
- and a thousand things;" and this began to perplex us, and in particular
- took us up two or three days' consideration.
- At last Amy, who was a clever manager in such cases, came to me with a
- scheme, as she called it. "I have found it out, madam," says she, "I
- have found a scheme how you shall, if you have a mind to it, begin and
- finish a perfect entire change of your figure and circumstances in one
- day, and shall be as much unknown, madam, in twenty-four hours, as you
- would be in so many years."
- "Come, Amy," says I, "let us hear of it, for you please me mightily with
- the thoughts of it." "Why, then," says Amy, "let me go into the city
- this afternoon, and I'll inquire out some honest, plain sober family,
- where I will take lodgings for you, as for a country gentlewoman that
- desires to be in London for about half a year, and to board yourself and
- a kinswoman--that is, half a servant, half a companion, meaning myself;
- and so agree with them by the month. To this lodging (if I hit upon one
- to your mind) you may go to-morrow morning in a hackney-coach, with
- nobody but me, and leave such clothes and linen as you think fit, but,
- to be sure, the plainest you have; and then you are removed at once; you
- never need set your foot in this house again" (meaning where we then
- were), "or see anybody belonging to it. In the meantime I'll let the
- servants know that you are going over to Holland upon extraordinary
- business, and will leave off your equipages, and so I'll give them
- warning, or, if they will accept of it, give them a month's wages. Then
- I'll sell off your furniture as well as I can. As to your coach, it is
- but having it new painted and the lining changed, and getting new
- harness and hammercloths, and you may keep it still or dispose of it as
- you think fit. And only take care to let this lodging be in some remote
- part of the town, and you may be as perfectly unknown as if you had
- never been in England in your life."
- This was Amy's scheme, and it pleased me so well that I resolved not
- only to let her go, but was resolved to go with her myself; but Amy put
- me off of that, because, she said, she should have occasion to hurry up
- and down so long that if I was with her it would rather hinder than
- further her, so I waived it.
- In a word, Amy went, and was gone five long hours; but when she came
- back I could see by her countenance that her success had been suitable
- to her pains, for she came laughing and gaping. "O madam!" says she, "I
- have pleased you to the life;" and with that she tells me how she had
- fixed upon a house in a court in the Minories; that she was directed to
- it merely by accident; that it was a female family, the master of the
- house being gone to New England, and that the woman had four children,
- kept two maids, and lived very handsomely, but wanted company to divert
- her; and that on that very account she had agreed to take boarders.
- Amy agreed for a good, handsome price, because she was resolved I should
- be used well; so she bargained to give her £35 for the half-year, and
- £50 if we took a maid, leaving that to my choice; and that we might be
- satisfied we should meet with nothing very gay, the people were Quakers,
- and I liked them the better.
- I was so pleased that I resolved to go with Amy the next day to see the
- lodgings, and to see the woman of the house, and see how I liked them;
- but if I was pleased with the general, I was much more pleased with the
- particulars, for the gentlewoman--I must call her so, though she was a
- Quaker--was a most courteous, obliging, mannerly person, perfectly
- well-bred and perfectly well-humoured, and, in short, the most agreeable
- conversation that ever I met with; and, which was worth all, so grave,
- and yet so pleasant and so merry, that 'tis scarcely possible for me to
- express how I was pleased and delighted with her company; and
- particularly, I was so pleased that I would go away no more; so I e'en
- took up my lodging there the very first night.
- In the meantime, though it took up Amy almost a month so entirely to put
- off all the appearances of housekeeping, as above, it need take me up no
- time to relate it; 'tis enough to say that Amy quitted all that part of
- the world and came pack and package to me, and here we took up our
- abode.
- I was now in a perfect retreat indeed, remote from the eyes of all that
- ever had seen me, and as much out of the way of being ever seen or heard
- of by any of the gang that used to follow me as if I had been among the
- mountains in Lancashire; for when did a blue garter or a coach-and-six
- come into a little narrow passage in the Minories or Goodman's Fields?
- And as there was no fear of them, so really I had no desire to see them,
- or so much as to hear from them any more as long as I lived.
- I seemed in a little hurry while Amy came and went so every day at
- first, but when that was over I lived here perfectly retired, and with a
- most pleasant and agreeable lady; I must call her so, for, though a
- Quaker, she had a full share of good breeding, sufficient to her if she
- had been a duchess; in a word, she was the most agreeable creature in
- her conversation, as I said before, that ever I met with.
- I pretended, after I had been there some time, to be extremely in love
- with the dress of the Quakers, and this pleased her so much that she
- would needs dress me up one day in a suit of her own clothes; but my
- real design was to see whether it would pass upon me for a disguise.
- Amy was struck with the novelty, though I had not mentioned my design to
- her, and when the Quaker was gone out of the room says Amy, "I guess
- your meaning; it is a perfect disguise to you. Why, you look quite
- another body; I should not have known you myself. Nay," says Amy, "more
- than that, it makes you look ten years younger than you did."
- Nothing could please me better than that, and when Amy repeated it, I
- was so fond of it that I asked my Quaker (I won't call her landlady;
- 'tis indeed too coarse a word for her, and she deserved a much
- better)--I say, I asked her if she would sell it. I told her I was so
- fond of it that I would give her enough to buy her a better suit. She
- declined it at first, but I soon perceived that it was chiefly in good
- manners, because I should not dishonour myself, as she called it, to put
- on her old clothes; but if I pleased to accept of them, she would give
- me them for my dressing-clothes, and go with me, and buy a suit for me
- that might be better worth my wearing.
- But as I conversed in a very frank, open manner with her, I bid her do
- the like with me; that I made no scruples of such things, but that if
- she would let me have them I would satisfy her. So she let me know what
- they cost, and to make her amends I gave her three guineas more than
- they cost her.
- This good (though unhappy) Quaker had the misfortune to have had a bad
- husband, and he was gone beyond sea. She had a good house, and well
- furnished, and had some jointure of her own estate which supported her
- and her children, so that she did not want; but she was not at all above
- such a help as my being there was to her; so she was as glad of me as I
- was of her.
- However, as I knew there was no way to fix this new acquaintance like
- making myself a friend to her, I began with making her some handsome
- presents and the like to her children. And first, opening my bundles one
- day in my chamber, I heard her in another room, and called her in with a
- kind of familiar way. There I showed her some of my fine clothes, and
- having among the rest of my things a piece of very fine new holland,
- which I had bought a little before, worth about 9s. an ell, I pulled it
- out: "Here, my friend," says I, "I will make you a present, if you will
- accept of it;" and with that I laid the piece of Holland in her lap.
- I could see she was surprised, and that she could hardly speak. "What
- dost thou mean?" says she. "Indeed I cannot have the face to accept so
- fine a present as this;" adding, "'Tis fit for thy own use, but 'tis
- above my wear, indeed." I thought she had meant she must not wear it so
- fine because she was a Quaker. So I returned, "Why, do not you Quakers
- wear fine linen neither?" "Yes," says she, "we wear fine linen when we
- can afford it, but this is too good for me." However, I made her take
- it, and she was very thankful too. But my end was answered another way,
- for by this I engaged her so, that as I found her a woman of
- understanding, and of honesty too, I might, upon any occasion, have a
- confidence in her, which was, indeed, what I very much wanted.
- By accustoming myself to converse with her, I had not only learned to
- dress like a Quaker, but so used myself to "thee" and "thou" that I
- talked like a Quaker too, as readily and naturally as if I had been born
- among them; and, in a word, I passed for a Quaker among all people that
- did not know me. I went but little abroad, but I had been so used to a
- coach that I knew not how well to go without one; besides, I thought it
- would be a farther disguise to me, so I told my Quaker friend one day
- that I thought I lived too close, that I wanted air. She proposed
- taking a hackney-coach sometimes, or a boat; but I told her I had always
- had a coach of my own till now, and I could find in my heart to have one
- again.
- She seemed to think it strange at first, considering how close I lived,
- but had nothing to say when she found I did not value the expense; so,
- in short, I resolved I would have a coach. When we came to talk of
- equipages, she extolled the having all things plain. I said so too; so I
- left it to her direction, and a coachmaker was sent for, and he provided
- me a plain coach, no gilding or painting, lined with a light grey cloth,
- and my coachman had a coat of the same, and no lace on his hat.
- When all was ready I dressed myself in the dress I bought of her, and
- said, "Come, I'll be a Quaker to-day, and you and I'll go abroad;" which
- we did, and there was not a Quaker in the town looked less like a
- counterfeit than I did. But all this was my particular plot, to be the
- more completely concealed, and that I might depend upon being not known,
- and yet need not be confined like a prisoner and be always in fear; so
- that all the rest was grimace.
- We lived here very easy and quiet, and yet I cannot say I was so in my
- mind; I was like a fish out of water. I was as gay and as young in my
- disposition as I was at five-and-twenty; and as I had always been
- courted, flattered, and used to love it, so I missed it in my
- conversation; and this put me many times upon looking back upon things
- past.
- I had very few moments in my life which, in their reflection, afforded
- me anything but regret: but of all the foolish actions I had to look
- back upon in my life, none looked so preposterous and so like
- distraction, nor left so much melancholy on my mind, as my parting with
- my friend, the merchant of Paris, and the refusing him upon such
- honourable and just conditions as he had offered; and though on his just
- (which I called unkind) rejecting my invitation to come to him again, I
- had looked on him with some disgust, yet now my mind run upon him
- continually, and the ridiculous conduct of my refusing him, and I could
- never be satisfied about him. I flattered myself that if I could but see
- him I could yet master him, and that he would presently forget all that
- had passed that might be thought unkind; but as there was no room to
- imagine anything like that to be possible, I threw those thoughts off
- again as much as I could.
- However, they continually returned, and I had no rest night or day for
- thinking of him, who I had forgot above eleven years. I told Amy of it,
- and we talked it over sometimes in bed, almost whole nights together. At
- last Amy started a thing of her own head, which put it in a way of
- management, though a wild one too. "You are so uneasy, madam," says she,
- "about this Mr. ----, the merchant at Paris; come," says she, "if you'll
- give me leave, I'll go over and see what's become of him."
- "Not for ten thousand pounds," said I; "no, nor if you met him in the
- street, not to offer to speak to him on my account." "No," says Amy, "I
- would not speak to him at all; or if I did, I warrant you it shall not
- look to be upon your account. I'll only inquire after him, and if he is
- in being, you shall hear of him; if not, you shall hear of him still,
- and that may be enough."
- "Why," says I, "if you will promise me not to enter into anything
- relating to me with him, nor to begin any discourse at all unless he
- begins it with you, I could almost be persuaded to let you go and try."
- Amy promised me all that I desired; and, in a word, to cut the story
- short, I let her go, but tied her up to so many particulars that it was
- almost impossible her going could signify anything; and had she intended
- to observe them, she might as well have stayed at home as have gone, for
- I charged her, if she came to see him, she should not so much as take
- notice that she knew him again; and if he spoke to her, she should tell
- him she was come away from me a great many years ago, and knew nothing
- what was become of me; that she had been come over to France six years
- ago, and was married there, and lived at Calais; or to that purpose.
- Amy promised me nothing, indeed; for, as she said, it was impossible for
- her to resolve what would be fit to do, or not to do, till she was there
- upon the spot, and had found out the gentleman, or heard of him; but
- that then, if I would trust her, as I had always done, she would answer
- for it that she would do nothing but what should be for my interest,
- and what she would hope I should be very well pleased with.
- With this general commission, Amy, notwithstanding she had been so
- frighted at the sea, ventured her carcass once more by water, and away
- she goes to France. She had four articles of confidence in charge to
- inquire after for me, and, as I found by her, she had one for herself--I
- say, four for me, because, though her first and principal errand was to
- inform myself of my Dutch merchant, yet I gave her in charge to inquire,
- second, after my husband, who I left a trooper in the _gens d'armes_;
- third, after that rogue of a Jew, whose very name I hated, and of whose
- face I had such a frightful idea that Satan himself could not
- counterfeit a worse; and, lastly, after my foreign prince. And she
- discharged herself very well of them all, though not so successful as I
- wished.
- Amy had a very good passage over the sea, and I had a letter from her,
- from Calais, in three days after she went from London. When she came to
- Paris she wrote me an account, that as to her first and most important
- inquiry, which was after the Dutch merchant, her account was, that he
- had returned to Paris, lived three years there, and quitting that city,
- went to live at Rouen; so away goes Amy for Rouen.
- But as she was going to bespeak a place in the coach to Rouen, she meets
- very accidentally in the street with her gentleman, as I called
- him--that is to say, the Prince de ----'s gentleman, who had been her
- favourite, as above.
- You may be sure there were several other kind things happened between
- Amy and him, as you shall hear afterwards; but the two main things were,
- first, that Amy inquired about his lord, and had a full account of him,
- of which presently; and, in the next place, telling him whither she was
- going and for what, he bade her not go yet, for that he would have a
- particular account of it the next day from a merchant that knew him;
- and, accordingly, he brought her word the next day that he had been for
- six years before that gone for Holland, and that he lived there still.
- This, I say, was the first news from Amy for some time--I mean about my
- merchant. In the meantime Amy, as I have said, inquired about the other
- persons she had in her instructions. As for the prince, the gentleman
- told her he was gone into Germany, where his estate lay, and that he
- lived there; that he had made great inquiry after me; that he (his
- gentleman) had made all the search he had been able for me, but that he
- could not hear of me; that he believed, if his lord had known I had been
- in England, he would have gone over to me; but that, after long inquiry,
- he was obliged to give it over; but that he verily believed, if he could
- have found me, he would have married me; and that he was extremely
- concerned that he could hear nothing of me.
- I was not at all satisfied with Amy's account, but ordered her to go to
- Rouen herself, which she did, and there with much difficulty (the
- person she was directed to being dead)--I say, with much difficulty she
- came to be informed that my merchant had lived there two years, or
- something more, but that, having met with a very great misfortune, he
- had gone back to Holland, as the French merchant said, where he had
- stayed two years; but with this addition, viz., that he came back again
- to Rouen, and lived in good reputation there another year; and
- afterwards he was gone to England, and that he lived in London. But Amy
- could by no means learn how to write to him there, till, by great
- accident, an old Dutch skipper, who had formerly served him, coming to
- Rouen, Amy was told of it; and he told her that he lodged in St.
- Laurence Pountney's Lane, in London, but was to be seen every day upon
- the Exchange, in the French walk.
- This, Amy thought, it was time enough to tell me of when she came over;
- and, besides, she did not find this Dutch skipper till she had spent
- four or five months and been again in Paris, and then come back to Rouen
- for farther information. But in the meantime she wrote to me from Paris
- that he was not to be found by any means; that he had been gone from
- Paris seven or eight years; that she was told he had lived at Rouen, and
- she was agoing thither to inquire, but that she had heard afterwards
- that he was gone also from thence to Holland, so she did not go.
- This, I say, was Amy's first account; and I, not satisfied with it, had
- sent her an order to go to Rouen to inquire there also, as above.
- While this was negotiating, and I received these accounts from Amy at
- several times, a strange adventure happened to me which I must mention
- just here. I had been abroad to take the air as usual with my Quaker, as
- far as Epping Forest, and we were driving back towards London, when, on
- the road between Bow and Mile End, two gentlemen on horseback came
- riding by, having overtaken the coach and passed it, and went forwards
- towards London.
- They did not ride apace though they passed the coach, for we went very
- softly; nor did they look into the coach at all, but rode side by side,
- earnestly talking to one another and inclining their faces sideways a
- little towards one another, he that went nearest the coach with his face
- from it, and he that was farthest from the coach with his face towards
- it, and passing in the very next tract to the coach, I could hear them
- talk Dutch very distinctly. But it is impossible to describe the
- confusion I was in when I plainly saw that the farthest of the two, him
- whose face looked towards the coach, was my friend the Dutch merchant of
- Paris.
- If it had been possible to conceal my disorder from my friend the Quaker
- I would have done it, but I found she was too well acquainted with such
- things not to take the hint. "Dost thou understand Dutch?" said she.
- "Why?" said I. "Why," says she, "it is easy to suppose that thou art a
- little concerned at somewhat those men say; I suppose they are talking
- of thee." "Indeed, my good friend," said I, "thou art mistaken this
- time, for I know very well what they are talking of, but 'tis all about
- ships and trading affairs." "Well," says she, "then one of them is a man
- friend of thine, or somewhat is the case; for though thy tongue will not
- confess it, thy face does."
- I was going to have told a bold lie, and said I knew nothing of them;
- but I found it was impossible to conceal it, so I said, "Indeed, I think
- I know the farthest of them; but I have neither spoken to him or so much
- as seen him for about eleven years." "Well, then," says she, "thou hast
- seen him with more than common eyes when thou didst see him, or else
- seeing him now would not be such a surprise to thee." "Indeed," said I,
- "it is true I am a little surprised at seeing him just now, for I
- thought he had been in quite another part of the world; and I can assure
- you I never saw him in England in my life." "Well, then, it is the more
- likely he is come over now on purpose to seek thee." "No, no," said I,
- "knight-errantry is over; women are not so hard to come at that men
- should not be able to please themselves without running from one kingdom
- to another." "Well, well," says she, "I would have him see thee for all
- that, as plainly as thou hast seen him." "No, but he shan't," says I,
- "for I am sure he don't know me in this dress, and I'll take care he
- shan't see my face, if I can help it;" so I held up my fan before my
- face, and she saw me resolute in that, so she pressed me no farther.
- We had several discourses upon the subject, but still I let her know I
- was resolved he should not know me; but at last I confessed so much,
- that though I would not let him know who I was or where I lived, I did
- not care if I knew where he lived and how I might inquire about him. She
- took the hint immediately, and her servant being behind the coach, she
- called him to the coach-side and bade him keep his eye upon that
- gentleman, and as soon as the coach came to the end of Whitechapel he
- should get down and follow him closely, so as to see where he put up his
- horse, and then to go into the inn and inquire, if he could, who he was
- and where he lived.
- The fellow followed diligently to the gate of an inn in Bishopsgate
- Street, and seeing him go in, made no doubt but he had him fast; but was
- confounded when, upon inquiry, he found the inn was a thoroughfare into
- another street, and that the two gentlemen had only rode through the
- inn, as the way to the street where they were going; and so, in short,
- came back no wiser than he went.
- My kind Quaker was more vexed at the disappointment, at least apparently
- so, than I was; and asking the fellow if he was sure he knew the
- gentleman again if he saw him, the fellow said he had followed him so
- close and took so much notice of him, in order to do his errand as it
- ought to be done, that he was very sure he should know him again; and
- that, besides, he was sure he should know his horse.
- This part was, indeed, likely enough; and the kind Quaker, without
- telling me anything of the matter, caused her man to place himself just
- at the corner of Whitechapel Church wall every Saturday in the
- afternoon, that being the day when the citizens chiefly ride abroad to
- take the air, and there to watch all the afternoon and look for him.
- It was not till the fifth Saturday that her man came, with a great deal
- of joy, and gave her an account that he had found out the gentleman;
- that he was a Dutchman, but a French merchant; that he came from Rouen,
- and his name was ----, and that he lodged at Mr. ----'s, on Laurence
- Pountney's Hill. I was surprised, you may be sure, when she came and
- told me one evening all the particulars, except that of having set her
- man to watch. "I have found out thy Dutch friend," says she, "and can
- tell thee how to find him too." I coloured again as red as fire. "Then
- thou hast dealt with the evil one, friend," said I very gravely. "No,
- no," says she, "I have no familiar; but I tell thee I have found him for
- thee, and his name is So-and-so, and he lives as above recited."
- I was surprised again at this, not being able to imagine how she should
- come to know all this. However, to put me out of pain, she told me what
- she had done. "Well," said I, "thou art very kind, but this is not
- worth thy pains; for now I know it, 'tis only to satisfy my curiosity;
- for I shall not send to him upon any account." "Be that as thou wilt,"
- says she. "Besides," added she, "thou art in the right to say so to me,
- for why should I be trusted with it? Though, if I were, I assure thee I
- should not betray thee." "That's very kind," said I, "and I believe
- thee; and assure thyself, if I do send to him, thou shalt know it, and
- be trusted with it too."
- During this interval of five weeks I suffered a hundred thousand
- perplexities of mind. I was thoroughly convinced I was right as to the
- person, that it was the man. I knew him so well, and saw him so plain, I
- could not be deceived. I drove out again in the coach (on pretence of
- air) almost every day in hopes of seeing him again, but was never so
- lucky as to see him; and now I had made the discovery I was as far to
- seek what measures to take as I was before.
- To send to him, or speak to him first if I should see him, so as to be
- known to him, that I resolved not to do, if I died for it. To watch him
- about his lodging, that was as much below my spirit as the other. So
- that, in a word, I was at a perfect loss how to act or what to do.
- At length came Amy's letter, with the last account which she had at
- Rouen from the Dutch skipper, which, confirming the other, left me out
- of doubt that this was my man; but still no human invention could bring
- me to the speech of him in such a manner as would suit with my
- resolutions. For, after all, how did I know what his circumstances were?
- whether married or single? And if he had a wife, I knew he was so honest
- a man he would not so much as converse with me, or so much as know me if
- he met me in the street.
- In the next place, as he entirely neglected me, which, in short, is the
- worst way of slighting a woman, and had given no answer to my letters, I
- did not know but he might be the same man still; so I resolved that I
- could do nothing in it unless some fairer opportunity presented, which
- might make my way clearer to me; for I was determined he should have no
- room to put any more slights upon me.
- In these thoughts I passed away near three months; till at last, being
- impatient, I resolved to send for Amy to come over, and tell her how
- things stood, and that I would do nothing till she came. Amy, in answer,
- sent me word she would come away with all speed, but begged of me that I
- would enter into no engagement with him, or anybody, till she arrived;
- but still keeping me in the dark as to the thing itself which she had to
- say; at which I was heartily vexed, for many reasons.
- But while all these things were transacting, and letters and answers
- passed between Amy and I a little slower than usual, at which I was not
- so well pleased as I used to be with Amy's despatch--I say, in this time
- the following scene opened.
- It was one afternoon, about four o'clock, my friendly Quaker and I
- sitting in her chamber upstairs, and very cheerful, chatting together
- (for she was the best company in the world), when somebody ringing
- hastily at the door, and no servant just then in the way, she ran down
- herself to the door, when a gentleman appears, with a footman attending,
- and making some apologies, which she did not thoroughly understand, he
- speaking but broken English, he asked to speak with me, by the very same
- name that I went by in her house, which, by the way, was not the name
- that he had known me by.
- She, with very civil language, in her way, brought him into a very
- handsome parlour below stairs, and said she would go and see whether the
- person who lodged in her house owned that name, and he should hear
- farther.
- I was a little surprised, even before I knew anything of who it was, my
- mind foreboding the thing as it happened (whence that arises let the
- naturalists explain to us); but I was frighted and ready to die when my
- Quaker came up all gay and crowing. "There," says she, "is the Dutch
- French merchant come to see thee." I could not speak one word to her nor
- stir off of my chair, but sat as motionless as a statue. She talked a
- thousand pleasant things to me, but they made no impression on me. At
- last she pulled me and teased me. "Come, come," says she, "be thyself,
- and rouse up. I must go down again to him; what shall I say to him?"
- "Say," said I, "that you have no such body in the house." "That I
- cannot do," says she, "because it is not the truth. Besides, I have
- owned thou art above. Come, come, go down with me." "Not for a thousand
- guineas," said I. "Well," says she, "I'll go and tell him thou wilt come
- quickly." So, without giving me time to answer her, away she goes.
- A million of thoughts circulated in my head while she was gone, and what
- to do I could not tell; I saw no remedy but I must speak with him, but
- would have given £500 to have shunned it; yet had I shunned it, perhaps
- then I would have given £500 again that I had seen him. Thus fluctuating
- and unconcluding were my thoughts, what I so earnestly desired I
- declined when it offered itself; and what now I pretended to decline was
- nothing but what I had been at the expense of £40 or £50 to send Amy to
- France for, and even without any view, or, indeed, any rational
- expectation of bringing it to pass; and what for half a year before I
- was so uneasy about that I could not be quiet night or day till Amy
- proposed to go over to inquire after him. In short, my thoughts were all
- confused and in the utmost disorder. I had once refused and rejected
- him, and I repented it heartily; then I had taken ill his silence, and
- in my mind rejected him again, but had repented that too. Now I had
- stooped so low as to send after him into France, which if he had known,
- perhaps, he had never come after me; and should I reject him a third
- time! On the other hand, he had repented too, in his turn, perhaps, and
- not knowing how I had acted, either in stooping to send in search after
- him or in the wickeder part of my life, was come over hither to seek me
- again; and I might take him, perhaps, with the same advantages as I
- might have done before, and would I now be backward to see him! Well,
- while I was in this hurry my friend the Quaker comes up again, and
- perceiving the confusion I was in, she runs to her closet and fetched me
- a little pleasant cordial; but I would not taste it. "Oh," says she, "I
- understand thee. Be not uneasy; I'll give thee something shall take off
- all the smell of it; if he kisses thee a thousand times he shall be no
- wiser." I thought to myself, "Thou art perfectly acquainted with affairs
- of this nature; I think you must govern me now;" so I began to incline
- to go down with her. Upon that I took the cordial, and she gave me a
- kind of spicy preserve after it, whose flavour was so strong, and yet so
- deliciously pleasant, that it would cheat the nicest smelling, and it
- left not the least taint of the cordial on the breath.
- Well, after this, though with some hesitation still, I went down a pair
- of back-stairs with her, and into a dining-room, next to the parlour in
- which he was; but there I halted, and desired she would let me consider
- of it a little. "Well, do so," says she, and left me with more readiness
- than she did before. "Do consider, and I'll come to thee again."
- Though I hung back with an awkwardness that was really unfeigned, yet
- when she so readily left me I thought it was not so kind, and I began to
- think she should have pressed me still on to it; so foolishly backward
- are we to the thing which, of all the world, we most desire; mocking
- ourselves with a feigned reluctance, when the negative would be death to
- us. But she was too cunning for me; for while I, as it were, blamed her
- in my mind for not carrying me to him, though, at the same time, I
- appeared backward to see him, on a sudden she unlocks the folding-doors,
- which looked into the next parlour, and throwing them open. "There,"
- says she (ushering him in), "is the person who, I suppose, thou
- inquirest for;" and the same moment, with a kind decency, she retired,
- and that so swift that she would not give us leave hardly to know which
- way she went.
- I stood up, but was confounded with a sudden inquiry in my thoughts how
- I should receive him, and with a resolution as swift as lightning, in
- answer to it, said to myself, "It shall be coldly." So on a sudden I put
- on an air of stiffness and ceremony, and held it for about two minutes;
- but it was with great difficulty.
- He restrained himself too, on the other hand, came towards me gravely,
- and saluted me in form; but it was, it seems, upon his supposing the
- Quaker was behind him, whereas she, as I said, understood things too
- well, and had retired as if she had vanished, that we might have full
- freedom; for, as she said afterwards, she supposed we had seen one
- another before, though it might have been a great while ago.
- Whatever stiffness I had put on my behaviour to him, I was surprised in
- my mind, and angry at his, and began to wonder what kind of a
- ceremonious meeting it was to be. However, after he perceived the woman
- was gone he made a kind of a hesitation, looking a little round him.
- "Indeed," said he, "I thought the gentlewoman was not withdrawn;" and
- with that he took me in his arms and kissed me three or four times; but
- I, that was prejudiced to the last degree with the coldness of his first
- salutes, when I did not know the cause of it, could not be thoroughly
- cleared of the prejudice though I did know the cause, and thought that
- even his return, and taking me in his arms, did not seem to have the
- same ardour with which he used to receive me, and this made me behave to
- him awkwardly, and I know not how for a good while; but this by the way.
- He began with a kind of an ecstasy upon the subject of his finding me
- out; how it was possible that he should have been four years in England,
- and had used all the ways imaginable, and could never so much as have
- the least intimation of me, or of any one like me; and that it was now
- above two years that he had despaired of it, and had given over all
- inquiry; and that now he should chop upon me, as it were, unlooked and
- unsought for.
- I could easily have accounted for his not finding me if I had but set
- down the detail of my real retirement; but I gave it a new, and indeed a
- truly hypocritical turn. I told him that any one that knew the manner
- of life I led might account for his not finding me; that the retreat I
- had taken up would have rendered it a hundred thousand to one odds that
- he ever found me at all; that, as I had abandoned all conversation,
- taken up another name, lived remote from London, and had not preserved
- one acquaintance in it, it was no wonder he had not met with me; that
- even my dress would let him see that I did not desire to be known by
- anybody.
- Then he asked if I had not received some letters from him. I told him
- no, he had not thought fit to give me the civility of an answer to the
- last I wrote to him, and he could not suppose I should expect a return
- after a silence in a case where I had laid myself so low and exposed
- myself in a manner I had never been used to; that indeed I had never
- sent for any letters after that to the place where I had ordered his to
- be directed; and that, being so justly, as I thought, punished for my
- weakness, I had nothing to do but to repent of being a fool, after I had
- strictly adhered to a just principle before; that, however, as what I
- did was rather from motions of gratitude than from real weakness,
- however it might be construed by him, I had the satisfaction in myself
- of having fully discharged the debt. I added, that I had not wanted
- occasions of all the seeming advancements which the pretended felicity
- of a marriage life was usually set off with, and might have been what I
- desired not to name; but that, however low I had stooped to him, I had
- maintained the dignity of female liberty against all the attacks either
- of pride or avarice; and that I had been infinitely obliged to him for
- giving me an opportunity to discharge the only obligation that
- endangered me, without subjecting me to the consequence; and that I
- hoped he was satisfied I had paid the debt by offering myself to be
- chained, but was infinitely debtor to him another way for letting me
- remain free.
- He was so confounded at this discourse that he knew not what to say, and
- for a good while he stood mute indeed; but recovering himself a little,
- he said I run out into a discourse he hoped was over and forgotten, and
- he did not intend to revive it; that he knew I had not had his letters,
- for that, when he first came to England, he had been at the place to
- which they were directed, and found them all lying there but one, and
- that the people had not known how to deliver them; that he thought to
- have had a direction there how to find me, but had the mortification to
- be told that they did not so much as know who I was; that he was under a
- great disappointment; and that I ought to know, in answer to all my
- resentments, that he had done a long and, he hoped, a sufficient penance
- for the slight that I had supposed he had put upon me; that it was true
- (and I could not suppose any other) that upon the repulse I had given
- them in a case so circumstanced as his was, and after such earnest
- entreaties and such offers as he had made me, he went away with a mind
- heartily grieved and full of resentment; that he had looked back on the
- crime he had committed with some regret, but on the cruelty of my
- treatment of the poor infant I went with at that time with the utmost
- detestation, and that this made him unable to send an agreeable answer
- to me; for which reason he had sent none at all for some time; but that
- in about six or seven months, those resentments wearing off by the
- return of his affection to me and his concern in the poor child ----.
- There he stopped, and indeed tears stood in his eyes; while in a
- parenthesis he only added, and to this minute he did not know whether it
- was dead or alive. He then went on: Those resentments wearing off, he
- sent me several letters--I think he said seven or eight--but received no
- answer; that then his business obliging him to go to Holland, he came to
- England, as in his way, but found, as above, that his letters had not
- been called for, but that he left them at the house after paying the
- postage of them; and going then back to France, he was yet uneasy, and
- could not refrain the knight-errantry of coming to England again to seek
- me, though he knew neither where or of who to inquire for me, being
- disappointed in all his inquiries before; that he had yet taken up his
- residence here, firmly believing that one time or other he should meet
- me, or hear of me, and that some kind chance would at last throw him in
- my way; that he had lived thus above four years, and though his hopes
- were vanished, yet he had not any thoughts of removing any more in the
- world, unless it should be at last, as it is with other old men, he
- might have some inclination to go home to die in his own country, but
- that he had not thought of it yet; that if I would consider all these
- steps, I would find some reasons to forget his first resentments, and to
- think that penance, as he called it, which he had undergone in search of
- me an _amende honorable_, in reparation of the affront given to the
- kindness of my letter of invitation; and that we might at last make
- ourselves some satisfaction on both sides for the mortifications past.
- I confess I could not hear all this without being moved very much, and
- yet I continued a little stiff and formal too a good while. I told him
- that before I could give him any reply to the rest of his discourse I
- ought to give him the satisfaction of telling him that his son was
- alive, and that indeed, since I saw him so concerned about it, and
- mention it with such affection, I was sorry that I had not found out
- some way or other to let him know it sooner; but that I thought, after
- his slighting the mother, as above, he had summed up his affection to
- the child in the letter he had wrote to me about providing for it; and
- that he had, as other fathers often do, looked upon it as a birth which,
- being out of the way, was to be forgotten, as its beginning was to be
- repented of; that in providing sufficiently for it he had done more than
- all such fathers used to do, and might be well satisfied with it.
- He answered me that he should have been very glad if I had been so good
- but to have given him the satisfaction of knowing the poor unfortunate
- creature was yet alive, and he would have taken some care of it upon
- himself, and particularly by owning it for a legitimate child, which,
- where nobody had known to the contrary, would have taken off the infamy
- which would otherwise cleave to it, and so the child should not itself
- have known anything of its own disaster; but that he feared it was now
- too late.
- He added that I might see by all his conduct since that what unhappy
- mistake drew him into the thing at first, and that he would have been
- very far from doing the injury to me, or being instrumental to add _une
- miserable_ (that was his word) to the world, if he had not been drawn
- into it by the hopes he had of making me his own; but that, if it was
- possible to rescue the child from the consequences of its unhappy birth,
- he hoped I would give him leave to do it, and he would let me see that
- he had both means and affection still to do it; and that,
- notwithstanding all the misfortunes that had befallen him, nothing that
- belonged to him, especially by a mother he had such a concern for as he
- had for me, should ever want what he was in a condition to do for it.
- I could not hear this without being sensibly touched with it. I was
- ashamed that he should show that he had more real affection for the
- child, though he had never seen it in his life, than I that bore it, for
- indeed I did not love the child, nor love to see it; and though I had
- provided for it, yet I did it by Amy's hand, and had not seen it above
- twice in four years, being privately resolved that when it grew up it
- should not be able to call me mother.
- However, I told him the child was taken care of, and that he need not be
- anxious about it, unless he suspected that I had less affection for it
- than he that had never seen it in his life; that he knew what I had
- promised him to do for it, namely, to give it the thousand pistoles
- which I had offered him, and which he had declined; that I assured him I
- had made my will, and that I had left it £5000, and the interest of it
- till he should come of age, if I died before that time; that I would
- still be as good as that to it; but if he had a mind to take it from me
- into his government, I would not be against it; and to satisfy him that
- I would perform what I said, I would cause the child to be delivered to
- him, and the £5000 also for its support, depending upon it that he would
- show himself a father to it by what I saw of his affection to it now.
- I had observed that he had hinted two or three times in his discourse,
- his having had misfortunes in the world, and I was a little surprised at
- the expression, especially at the repeating it so often; but I took no
- notice of that part yet.
- He thanked me for my kindness to the child with a tenderness which
- showed the sincerity of all he had said before, and which increased the
- regret with which, as I said, I looked back on the little affection I
- had showed to the poor child. He told me he did not desire to take him
- from me, but so as to introduce him into the world as his own, which he
- could still do, having lived absent from his other children (for he had
- two sons and a daughter which were brought up at Nimeguen, in Holland,
- with a sister of his) so long that he might very well send another son
- of ten years old to be bred up with them, and suppose his mother to be
- dead or alive, as he found occasion; and that, as I had resolved to do
- so handsomely for the child, he would add to it something considerable,
- though, having had some great disappointments (repeating the words), he
- could not do for it as he would otherwise have done.
- I then thought myself obliged to take notice of his having so often
- mentioned his having met with disappointments. I told him I was very
- sorry to hear he had met with anything afflicting to him in the world;
- that I would not have anything belonging to me add to his loss, or
- weaken him in what he might do for his other children; and that I would
- not agree to his having the child away, though the proposal was
- infinitely to the child's advantage, unless he would promise me that the
- whole expense should be mine, and that, if he did not think £5000 enough
- for the child, I would give it more.
- We had so much discourse upon this and the old affairs that it took up
- all our time at his first visit. I was a little importunate with him to
- tell me how he came to find me out, but he put it off for that time,
- and only obtaining my leave to visit me again, he went away; and indeed
- my heart was so full with what he had said already that I was glad when
- he went away. Sometimes I was full of tenderness and affection for him,
- and especially when he expressed himself so earnestly and passionately
- about the child; other times I was crowded with doubts about his
- circumstances. Sometimes I was terrified with apprehensions lest, if I
- should come into a close correspondence with him, he should any way come
- to hear what kind of life I had led at Pall Mall and in other places,
- and it might make me miserable afterwards; from which last thought I
- concluded that I had better repulse him again than receive him. All
- these thoughts, and many more, crowded in so fast, I say, upon me that I
- wanted to give vent to them and get rid of him, and was very glad when
- he was gone away.
- We had several meetings after this, in which still we had so many
- preliminaries to go through that we scarce ever bordered upon the main
- subject. Once, indeed, he said something of it, and I put it off with a
- kind of a jest. "Alas!" says I, "those things are out of the question
- now; 'tis almost two ages since those things were talked between us,"
- says I. "You see I am grown an old woman since that." Another time he
- gave a little push at it again, and I laughed again. "Why, what dost
- thou talk of?" said I in a formal way. "Dost thou not see I am turned
- Quaker? I cannot speak of those things now." "Why," says he, "the
- Quakers marry as well as other people, and love one another as well.
- Besides," says he, "the Quakers' dress does not ill become you," and so
- jested with me again, and so it went off for a third time. However, I
- began to be kind to him in process of time, as they call it, and we grew
- very intimate; and if the following accident had not unluckily
- intervened, I had certainly married him, or consented to marry him, the
- very next time he had asked me.
- I had long waited for a letter from Amy, who, it seems, was just at that
- time gone to Rouen the second time, to make her inquiries about him; and
- I received a letter from her at this unhappy juncture, which gave me the
- following account of my business:--
- I. That for my gentleman, who I had now, as I may say, in my arms, she
- said he had been gone from Paris, as I have hinted, having met with some
- great losses and misfortunes; that he had been in Holland on that very
- account, whither he had also carried his children; that he was after
- that settled for some time at Rouen; that she had been at Rouen, and
- found there (by a mere accident), from a Dutch skipper, that he was at
- London, had been there above three years; that he was to be found upon
- the Exchange, on the French walk; and that he lodged at St. Laurence
- Pountney's Lane, and the like; so Amy said she supposed I might soon
- find him out, but that she doubted he was poor, and not worth looking
- after. This she did because of the next clause, which the jade had most
- mind to on many accounts.
- II. That as to the Prince ----; that, as above, he was gone into
- Germany, where his estate lay; that he had quitted the French service,
- and lived retired; that she had seen his gentleman, who remained at
- Paris to solicit his arrears, &c.; that he had given her an account how
- his lord had employed him to inquire for me and find me out, as above,
- and told her what pains he had taken to find me; that he had understood
- that I was gone to England; that he once had orders to go to England to
- find me; that his lord had resolved, if he could have found me, to have
- called me a countess, and so have married me, and have carried me into
- Germany with him; and that his commission was still to assure me that
- the prince would marry me if I would come to him, and that he would send
- him an account that he had found me, and did not doubt but he would have
- orders to come over to England to attend me in a figure suitable to my
- quality.
- Amy, an ambitious jade, who knew my weakest part--namely, that I loved
- great things, and that I loved to be flattered and courted--said
- abundance of kind things upon this occasion, which she knew were
- suitable to me and would prompt my vanity; and talked big of the
- prince's gentleman having orders to come over to me with a procuration
- to marry me by proxy (as princes usually do in like cases), and to
- furnish me with an equipage, and I know not how many fine things; but
- told me, withal, that she had not yet let him know that she belonged to
- me still, or that she knew where to find me, or to write to me; because
- she was willing to see the bottom of it, and whether it was a reality or
- a gasconade. She had indeed told him that, if he had any such
- commission, she would endeavour to find me out, but no more.
- III. For the Jew, she assured me that she had not been able to come at a
- certainty what was become of him, or in what part of the world he was;
- but that thus much she had learned from good hands, that he had
- committed a crime, in being concerned in a design to rob a rich banker
- at Paris; and that he was fled, and had not been heard of there for
- above six years.
- IV. For that of my husband, the brewer, she learned, that being
- commanded into the field upon an occasion of some action in Flanders, he
- was wounded at the battle of Mons, and died of his wounds in the
- Hospital of the Invalids; so there was an end of my four inquiries,
- which I sent her over to make.
- This account of the prince, and the return of his affection to me, with
- all the flattering great things which seemed to come along with it; and
- especially as they came gilded and set out by my maid Amy--I say this
- account of the prince came to me in a very unlucky hour, and in the very
- crisis of my affair.
- The merchant and I had entered into close conferences upon the grand
- affair. I had left off talking my platonics, and of my independency, and
- being a free woman, as before; and he having cleared up my doubts too,
- as to his circumstances and the misfortunes he had spoken of, I had gone
- so far that we had begun to consider where we should live, and in what
- figure, what equipage, what house, and the like.
- I had made some harangues upon the delightful retirement of a country
- life, and how we might enjoy ourselves so effectually without the
- encumbrances of business and the world; but all this was grimace, and
- purely because I was afraid to make any public appearance in the world,
- for fear some impertinent person of quality should chop upon me again
- and cry out, "Roxana, Roxana, by ----!" with an oath, as had been done
- before.
- My merchant, bred to business and used to converse among men of
- business, could hardly tell how to live without it; at least it appeared
- he should be like a fish out of water, uneasy and dying. But, however,
- he joined with me; only argued that we might live as near London as we
- could, that he might sometimes come to 'Change and hear how the world
- should go abroad, and how it fared with his friends and his children.
- I answered that if he chose still to embarrass himself with business, I
- supposed it would be more to his satisfaction to be in his own country,
- and where his family was so well known, and where his children also
- were.
- He smiled at the thoughts of that, and let me know that he should be
- very willing to embrace such an offer; but that he could not expect it
- of me, to whom England was, to be sure, so naturalised now as that it
- would be carrying me out of my native country, which he would not desire
- by any means, however agreeable it might be to him.
- I told him he was mistaken in me; that as I had told him so much of a
- married state being a captivity, and the family being a house of
- bondage, that when I married I expected to be but an upper servant; so,
- if I did notwithstanding submit to it, I hoped he should see I knew how
- to act the servant's part, and do everything to oblige my master; that
- if I did not resolve to go with him wherever he desired to go, he might
- depend I would never have him. "And did I not," said I, "offer myself to
- go with you to the East Indies?"
- All this while this was indeed but a copy of my countenance; for, as my
- circumstances would not admit of my stay in London, at least not so as
- to appear publicly, I resolved, if I took him, to live remote in the
- country, or go out of England with him.
- But in an evil hour, just now came Amy's letter, in the very middle of
- all these discourses; and the fine things she had said about the prince
- began to make strange work with me. The notion of being a princess, and
- going over to live where all that had happened here would have been
- quite sunk out of knowledge as well as out of memory (conscience
- excepted), was mighty taking. The thoughts of being surrounded with
- domestics, honoured with titles, be called her Highness, and live in all
- the splendour of a court, and, which was still more, in the arms of a
- man of such rank, and who, I knew, loved and valued me--all this, in a
- word, dazzled my eyes, turned my head, and I was as truly crazed and
- distracted for about a fortnight as most of the people in Bedlam, though
- perhaps not quite so far gone.
- When my gentleman came to me the next time I had no notion of him; I
- wished I had never received him at all. In short, I resolved to have no
- more to say to him, so I feigned myself indisposed; and though I did
- come down to him and speak to him a little, yet I let him see that I was
- so ill that I was (as we say) no company, and that it would be kind in
- him to give me leave to quit him for that time.
- The next morning he sent a footman to inquire how I did; and I let him
- know I had a violent cold, and was very ill with it. Two days after he
- came again, and I let him see me again, but feigned myself so hoarse
- that I could not speak to be heard, and that it was painful to me but to
- whisper; and, in a word, I held him in this suspense near three weeks.
- During this time I had a strange elevation upon my mind; and the prince,
- or the spirit of him, had such a possession of me that I spent most of
- this time in the realising all the great things of a life with the
- prince, to my mind pleasing my fancy with the grandeur I was supposing
- myself to enjoy, and with wickedly studying in what manner to put off
- this gentleman and be rid of him for ever.
- I cannot but say that sometimes the baseness of the action stuck hard
- with me; the honour and sincerity with which he had always treated me,
- and, above all, the fidelity he had showed me at Paris, and that I owed
- my life to him--I say, all these stared in my face, and I frequently
- argued with myself upon the obligation I was under to him, and how base
- would it be now too, after so many obligations and engagements, to cast
- him off.
- But the title of highness, and of a princess, and all those fine things,
- as they came in, weighed down all this; and the sense of gratitude
- vanished as if it had been a shadow.
- At other times I considered the wealth I was mistress of; that I was
- able to live like a princess, though not a princess; and that my
- merchant (for he had told me all the affair of his misfortunes) was far
- from being poor, or even mean; that together we were able to make up an
- estate of between three and four thousand pounds a year, which was in
- itself equal to some princes abroad. But though this was true, yet the
- name of princess, and the flutter of it--in a word, the pride--weighed
- them down; and all these arguings generally ended to the disadvantage of
- my merchant; so that, in short, I resolved to drop him, and give him a
- final answer at his next coming; namely, that something had happened in
- my affairs which had caused me to alter my measures unexpectedly, and,
- in a word, to desire him to trouble himself no farther.
- I think, verily, this rude treatment of him was for some time the effect
- of a violent fermentation in my blood; for the very motion which the
- steady contemplation of my fancied greatness had put my spirits into had
- thrown me into a kind of fever, and I scarce knew what I did.
- I have wondered since that it did not make me mad; nor do I now think it
- strange to hear of those who have been quite lunatic with their pride,
- that fancied themselves queens and empresses, and have made their
- attendants serve them upon the knee, given visitors their hand to kiss,
- and the like; for certainly, if pride will not turn the brain, nothing
- can.
- However, the next time my gentleman came, I had not courage enough, or
- not ill nature enough, to treat him in the rude manner I had resolved to
- do, and it was very well I did not; for soon after, I had another letter
- from Amy, in which was the mortifying news, and indeed surprising to me,
- that my prince (as I, with a secret pleasure, had called him) was very
- much hurt by a bruise he had received in hunting and engaging with a
- wild boar, a cruel and desperate sport which the noblemen of Germany, it
- seems, much delight in.
- This alarmed me indeed, and the more because Amy wrote me word that his
- gentleman was gone away express to him, not without apprehensions that
- he should find his master was dead before his coming home; but that he
- (the gentleman) had promised her that as soon as he arrived he would
- send back the same courier to her with an account of his master's
- health, and of the main affair; and that he had obliged Amy to stay at
- Paris fourteen days for his return; she having promised him before to
- make it her business to go to England and to find me out for his lord if
- he sent her such orders; and he was to send her a bill for fifty
- pistoles for her journey. So Amy told me she waited for the answer.
- This was a blow to me several ways; for, first, I was in a state of
- uncertainty as to his person, whether he was alive or dead; and I was
- not unconcerned in that part, I assure you; for I had an inexpressible
- affection remaining for his person, besides the degree to which it was
- revived by the view of a firmer interest in him. But this was not all,
- for in losing him I forever lost the prospect of all the gaiety and
- glory that had made such an impression upon my imagination.
- In this state of uncertainty, I say, by Amy's letter, I was like still
- to remain another fortnight; and had I now continued the resolution of
- using my merchant in the rude manner I once intended, I had made perhaps
- a sorry piece of work of it indeed, and it was very well my heart failed
- me as it did.
- However, I treated him with a great many shuffles, and feigned stories
- to keep him off from any closer conferences than we had already had,
- that I might act afterwards as occasion might offer, one way or other.
- But that which mortified me most was, that Amy did not write, though the
- fourteen days were expired. At last, to my great surprise, when I was,
- with the utmost impatience, looking out at the window, expecting the
- postman that usually brought the foreign letters--I say I was agreeably
- surprised to see a coach come to the yard-gate where we lived, and my
- woman Amy alight out of it and come towards the door, having the
- coachman bringing several bundles after her.
- I flew like lightning downstairs to speak to her, but was soon damped
- with her news. "Is the prince alive or dead, Amy?" says I. She spoke
- coldly and slightly. "He is alive, madam," said she. "But it is not much
- matter; I had as lieu he had been dead." So we went upstairs again to my
- chamber, and there we began a serious discourse of the whole matter.
- First, she told me a long story of his being hurt by a wild boar, and of
- the condition he was reduced to, so that every one expected he should
- die, the anguish of the wound having thrown him into a fever, with
- abundance of circumstances too long to relate here; how he recovered of
- that extreme danger, but continued very weak; how the gentleman had been
- _homme de parole_, and had sent back the courier as punctually as if it
- had been to the king; that he had given a long account of his lord, and
- of his illness and recovery; but the sum of the matter, as to me, was,
- that as to the lady, his lord was turned penitent, was under some vows
- for his recovery, and could not think any more on that affair; and
- especially, the lady being gone, and that it had not been offered to
- her, so there was no breach of honour; but that his lord was sensible of
- the good offices of Mrs. Amy, and had sent her the fifty pistoles for
- her trouble, as if she had really gone the journey.
- I was, I confess, hardly able to bear the first surprise of this
- disappointment. Amy saw it, and gapes out (as was her way), "Lawd,
- madam! never be concerned at it; you see he is gotten among the priests,
- and I suppose they have saucily imposed some penance upon him, and, it
- may be, sent him of an errand barefoot to some Madonna or Nôtredame, or
- other; and he is off of his amours for the present. I'll warrant you
- he'll be as wicked again as ever he was when he is got thorough well,
- and gets but out of their hands again. I hate this out-o'-season
- repentance. What occasion had he, in his repentance, to be off of taking
- a good wife? I should have been glad to see you have been a princess,
- and all that; but if it can't be, never afflict yourself; you are rich
- enough to be a princess to yourself; you don't want him, that's the best
- of it."
- Well, I cried for all that, and was heartily vexed, and that a great
- while; but as Amy was always at my elbow, and always jogging it out of
- my head with her mirth and her wit, it wore off again.
- Then I told Amy all the story of my merchant, and how he had found me
- out when I was in such a concern to find him; how it was true that he
- lodged in St. Laurence Pountney's Lane; and how I had had all the story
- of his misfortune, which she had heard of, in which he had lost above
- £8000 sterling; and that he had told me frankly of it before she had
- sent me any account of it, or at least before I had taken any notice
- that I had heard of it.
- Amy was very joyful at that part. "Well, madam, then," says Amy, "what
- need you value the story of the prince, and going I know not whither
- into Germany to lay your bones in another world, and learn the devil's
- language, called High Dutch? You are better here by half," says Amy.
- "Lawd, madam!" says she; "why, are you not as rich as Croesus?"
- Well, it was a great while still before I could bring myself off of this
- fancied sovereignty; and I, that was so willing once to be mistress to a
- king, was now ten thousand times more fond of being wife to a prince.
- So fast a hold has pride and ambition upon our minds, that when once it
- gets admission, nothing is so chimerical but, under this possession, we
- can form ideas of in our fancy and realise to our imagination. Nothing
- can be so ridiculous as the simple steps we take in such cases; a man or
- a woman becomes a mere _malade imaginaire_, and, I believe, may as
- easily die with grief or run mad with joy (as the affair in his fancy
- appears right or wrong) as if all was real, and actually under the
- management of the person.
- I had indeed two assistants to deliver me from this snare, and these
- were, first, Amy, who knew my disease, but was able to do nothing as to
- the remedy; the second, the merchant, who really brought the remedy, but
- knew nothing of the distemper.
- I remember, when all these disorders were upon my thoughts, in one of
- the visits my friend the merchant made me, he took notice that he
- perceived I was under some unusual disorder; he believed, he said, that
- my distemper, whatever it was, lay much in my head, and it being summer
- weather and very hot, proposed to me to go a little way into the air.
- I started at his expression. "What!" says I; "do you think, then, that I
- am crazed? You should, then, propose a madhouse for my cure." "No, no,"
- says he, "I do not mean anything like that; I hope the head may be
- distempered and not the brain." Well, I was too sensible that he was
- right, for I knew I had acted a strange, wild kind of part with him; but
- he insisted upon it, and pressed me to go into the country. I took him
- short again. "What need you," says I, "send me out of your way? It is in
- your power to be less troubled with me, and with less inconvenience to
- us both."
- He took that ill, and told me I used to have a better opinion of his
- sincerity, and desired to know what he had done to forfeit my charity.
- I mention this only to let you see how far I had gone in my measures of
- quitting him--that is to say, how near I was of showing him how base,
- ungrateful, and how vilely I could act; but I found I had carried the
- jest far enough, and that a little matter might have made him sick of me
- again, as he was before; so I began by little and little to change my
- way of talking to him, and to come to discourse to the purpose again as
- we had done before.
- A while after this, when we were very merry and talking familiarly
- together, he called me, with an air of particular satisfaction, his
- princess. I coloured at the word, for it indeed touched me to the quick;
- but he knew nothing of the reason of my being touched with it. "What
- d'ye mean by that?" said I. "Nay," says he, "I mean nothing but that you
- are a princess to me." "Well," says I, "as to that I am content, and yet
- I could tell you I might have been a princess if I would have quitted
- you, and believe I could be so still." "It is not in my power to make
- you a princess," says he, "but I can easily make you a lady here in
- England, and a countess too if you will go out of it."
- I heard both with a great deal of satisfaction, for my pride remained
- though it had been balked, and I thought with myself that this proposal
- would make me some amends for the loss of the title that had so tickled
- my imagination another way, and I was impatient to understand what he
- meant, but I would not ask him by any means; so it passed off for that
- time.
- When he was gone I told Amy what he had said, and Amy was as impatient
- to know the manner how it could be as I was; but the next time
- (perfectly unexpected to me) he told me that he had accidentally
- mentioned a thing to me last time he was with me, having not the least
- thought of the thing itself; but not knowing but such a thing might be
- of some weight to me, and that it might bring me respect among people
- where I might appear, he had thought since of it, and was resolved to
- ask me about it.
- I made light of it, and told him that, as he knew I had chosen a retired
- life, it was of no value to me to be called lady or countess either; but
- that if he intended to drag me, as I might call it, into the world
- again, perhaps it might be agreeable to him; but, besides that, I could
- not judge of the thing, because I did not understand how either of them
- was to be done.
- He told me that money purchased titles of honour in almost all parts of
- the world, though money could not give principles of honour, they must
- come by birth and blood; that, however, titles sometimes assist to
- elevate the soul and to infuse generous principles into the mind, and
- especially where there was a good foundation laid in the persons; that
- he hoped we should neither of us misbehave if we came to it; and that as
- we knew how to wear a title without undue elevations, so it might sit as
- well upon us as on another; that as to England, he had nothing to do
- but to get an act of naturalisation in his favour, and he knew where to
- purchase a patent for baronet--that is say, to have the honour and title
- transferred to him; but if I intended to go abroad with him, he had a
- nephew, the son of his eldest brother, who had the title of count, with
- the estate annexed, which was but small, and that he had frequently
- offered to make it over to him for a thousand pistoles, which was not a
- great deal of money, and considering it was in the family already, he
- would, upon my being willing, purchase it immediately.
- I told him I liked the last best, but then I would not let him buy it
- unless he would let me pay the thousand pistoles. "No, no," says he, "I
- refused a thousand pistoles that I had more right to have accepted than
- that, and you shall not be at so much expense now." "Yes," says I, "you
- did refuse it, and perhaps repented it afterwards." "I never
- complained," said he. "But I did," says I, "and often repented it for
- you." "I do not understand you," says he. "Why," said I, "I repented
- that I suffered you to refuse it." "Well, well," said he, "we may talk
- of that hereafter, when you shall resolve which part of the world you
- will make your settled residence in." Here he talked very handsomely to
- me, and for a good while together; how it had been his lot to live all
- his days out of his native country, and to be often shifting and
- changing the situation of his affairs; and that I myself had not always
- had a fixed abode, but that now, as neither of us was very young, he
- fancied I would be for taking up our abode where, if possible, we might
- remove no more; that as to his part, he was of that opinion entirely,
- only with this exception, that the choice of the place should be mine,
- for that all places in the world were alike to him, only with this
- single addition, namely, that I was with him.
- I heard him with a great deal of pleasure, as well for his being willing
- to give me the choice as for that I resolved to live abroad, for the
- reason I have mentioned already, namely, lest I should at any time be
- known in England, and all that story of Roxana and the balls should come
- out; as also I was not a little tickled with the satisfaction of being
- still a countess, though I could not be a princess.
- I told Amy all this story, for she was still my privy councillor; but
- when I asked her opinion, she made me laugh heartily. "Now, which of the
- two shall I take, Amy?" said I. "Shall I be a lady--that is, a baronet's
- lady in England, or a countess in Holland?" The ready-witted jade, that
- knew the pride of my temper too, almost as well as I did myself,
- answered (without the least hesitation), "Both, madam. Which of them?"
- says she (repeating the words). "Why not both of them? and then you will
- be really a princess; for, sure, to be a lady in English and a countess
- in Dutch may make a princess in High Dutch." Upon the whole, though Amy
- was in jest, she put the thought into my head, and I resolved that, in
- short, I would be both of them, which I managed as you shall hear.
- First, I seemed to resolve that I would live and settle in England, only
- with this condition, namely, that I would not live in London. I
- pretended that it would choke me up; that I wanted breath when I was in
- London, but that anywhere else I would be satisfied; and then I asked
- him whether any seaport town in England would not suit him; because I
- knew, though he seemed to leave off, he would always love to be among
- business, and conversing with men of business; and I named several
- places, either nearest for business with France or with Holland; as
- Dover or Southampton, for the first; and Ipswich, or Yarmouth, or Hull
- for the last; but I took care that we would resolve upon nothing; only
- by this it seemed to be certain that we should live in England.
- It was time now to bring things to a conclusion, and so in about six
- weeks' time more we settled all our preliminaries; and, among the rest,
- he let me know that he should have the bill for his naturalisation
- passed time enough, so that he would be (as he called it) an Englishman
- before we married. That was soon perfected, the Parliament being then
- sitting, and several other foreigners joining in the said bill to save
- the expense.
- It was not above three or four days after, but that, without giving me
- the least notice that he had so much as been about the patent for
- baronet, he brought it me in a fine embroidered bag, and saluting me by
- the name of my Lady ---- (joining his own surname to it), presented it
- to me with his picture set with diamonds, and at the same time gave me a
- breast-jewel worth a thousand pistoles, and the next morning we were
- married. Thus I put an end to all the intriguing part of my life--a life
- full of prosperous wickedness; the reflections upon which were so much
- the more afflicting as the time had been spent in the grossest crimes,
- which, the more I looked back upon, the more black and horrid they
- appeared, effectually drinking up all the comfort and satisfaction which
- I might otherwise have taken in that part of life which was still before
- me.
- The first satisfaction, however, that I took in the new condition I was
- in was in reflecting that at length the life of crime was over, and that
- I was like a passenger coming back from the Indies, who, having, after
- many years' fatigues and hurry in business, gotten a good estate, with
- innumerable difficulties and hazards, is arrived safe at London with all
- his effects, and has the pleasure of saying he shall never venture upon
- the seas any more.
- When we were married we came back immediately to my lodgings (for the
- church was but just by), and we were so privately married that none but
- Amy and my friend the Quaker was acquainted with it. As soon as we came
- into the house he took me in his arms, and kissing me, "Now you are my
- own," says he. "Oh that you had been so good to have done this eleven
- years ago!" "Then," said I, "you, perhaps, would have been tired of me
- long ago; it is much better now, for now all our happy days are to come.
- Besides," said I, "I should not have been half so rich;" but that I said
- to myself, for there was no letting him into the reason of it. "Oh!"
- says he, "I should not have been tired of you; but, besides having the
- satisfaction of your company, it had saved me that unlucky blow at
- Paris, which was a dead loss to me of above eight thousand pistoles, and
- all the fatigues of so many years' hurry and business;" and then he
- added, "But I'll make you pay for it all, now I have you." I started a
- little at the words. "Ay," said I, "do you threaten already? Pray what
- d'ye mean by that?" and began to look a little grave.
- "I'll tell you," says he, "very plainly what I mean;" and still he held
- me fast in his arms. "I intend from this time never to trouble myself
- with any more business, so I shall never get one shilling for you more
- than I have already; all that you will lose one way. Next, I intend not
- to trouble myself with any of the care or trouble of managing what
- either you have for me or what I have to add to it; but you shall e'en
- take it all upon yourself, as the wives do in Holland; so you will pay
- for it that way too, for all the drudgery shall be yours. Thirdly, I
- intend to condemn you to the constant bondage of my impertinent company,
- for I shall tie you like a pedlar's pack at my back. I shall scarce
- ever be from you; for I am sure I can take delight in nothing else in
- this world." "Very well," says I; "but I am pretty heavy. I hope you'll
- set me down sometimes when you are aweary." "As for that," says he,
- "tire me if you can."
- This was all jest and allegory; but it was all true, in the moral of the
- fable, as you shall hear in its place. We were very merry the rest of
- the day, but without any noise or clutter; for he brought not one of his
- acquaintance or friends, either English or foreigner. The honest Quaker
- provided us a very noble dinner indeed, considering how few we were to
- eat it; and every day that week she did the like, and would at last have
- it be all at her own charge, which I was utterly averse to; first,
- because I knew her circumstances not to be very great, though not very
- low; and next, because she had been so true a friend, and so cheerful a
- comforter to me, ay, and counsellor too, in all this affair, that I had
- resolved to make her a present that should be some help to her when all
- was over.
- But to return to the circumstances of our wedding. After being very
- merry, as I have told you, Amy and the Quaker put us to bed, the honest
- Quaker little thinking we had been abed together eleven years before.
- Nay, that was a secret which, as it happened, Amy herself did not know.
- Amy grinned and made faces, as if she had been pleased; but it came out
- in so many words, when he was not by, the sum of her mumbling and
- muttering was, that this should have been done ten or a dozen years
- before; that it would signify little now; that was to say, in short,
- that her mistress was pretty near fifty, and too old to have any
- children. I chid her; the Quaker laughed, complimented me upon my not
- being so old as Amy pretended, that I could not be above forty, and
- might have a house full of children yet. But Amy and I too knew better
- than she how it was, for, in short, I was old enough to have done
- breeding, however I looked; but I made her hold her tongue.
- In the morning my Quaker landlady came and visited us before we were up,
- and made us eat cakes and drink chocolate in bed; and then left us
- again, and bid us take a nap upon it, which I believe we did. In short,
- she treated us so handsomely, and with such an agreeable cheerfulness,
- as well as plenty, as made it appear to me that Quakers may, and that
- this Quaker did, understand good manners as well as any other people.
- I resisted her offer, however, of treating us for the whole week; and I
- opposed it so long that I saw evidently that she took it ill, and would
- have thought herself slighted if we had not accepted it. So I said no
- more, but let her go on, only told her I would be even with her; and so
- I was. However, for that week she treated us as she said she would, and
- did it so very fine, and with such a profusion of all sorts of good
- things, that the greatest burthen to her was how to dispose of things
- that were left; for she never let anything, how dainty or however large,
- be so much as seen twice among us.
- I had some servants indeed, which helped her off a little; that is to
- say, two maids, for Amy was now a woman of business, not a servant, and
- ate always with us. I had also a coachman and a boy. My Quaker had a
- man-servant too, but had but one maid; but she borrowed two more of some
- of her friends for the occasion, and had a man-cook for dressing the
- victuals.
- She was only at a loss for plate, which she gave me a whisper of; and I
- made Amy fetch a large strong-box, which I had lodged in a safe hand, in
- which was all the fine plate which I had provided on a worse occasion,
- as is mentioned before; and I put it into the Quaker's hand, obliging
- her not to use it as mine, but as her own, for a reason I shall mention
- presently.
- I was now my Lady ----, and I must own I was exceedingly pleased with
- it; 'twas so big and so great to hear myself called "her ladyship," and
- "your ladyship," and the like, that I was like the Indian king at
- Virginia, who, having a house built for him by the English, and a lock
- put upon the door, would sit whole days together with the key in his
- hand, locking and unlocking, and double-locking, the door, with an
- unaccountable pleasure at the novelty; so I could have sat a whole day
- together to hear Amy talk to me, and call me "your ladyship" at every
- word; but after a while the novelty wore off and the pride of it abated,
- till at last truly I wanted the other title as much as I did that of
- ladyship before.
- We lived this week in all the innocent mirth imaginable, and our
- good-humoured Quaker was so pleasant in her way that it was particularly
- entertaining to us. We had no music at all, or dancing; only I now and
- then sung a French song to divert my spouse, who desired it, and the
- privacy of our mirth greatly added to the pleasure of it. I did not make
- many clothes for my wedding, having always a great many rich clothes by
- me, which, with a little altering for the fashion, were perfectly new.
- The next day he pressed me to dress, though we had no company. At last,
- jesting with him, I told him I believed I was able to dress me so, in
- one kind of dress that I had by me, that he would not know his wife when
- he saw her, especially if anybody else was by. No, he said, that was
- impossible, and he longed to see that dress. I told him I would dress me
- in it, if he would promise me never to desire me to appear in it before
- company. He promised he would not, but wanted to know why too; as
- husbands, you know, are inquisitive creatures, and love to inquire after
- anything they think is kept from them; but I had an answer ready for
- him. "Because," said I, "it is not a decent dress in this country, and
- would not look modest." Neither, indeed, would it, for it was but one
- degree off from appearing in one's shift, but was the usual wear in the
- country where they were used. He was satisfied with my answer, and gave
- me his promise never to ask me to be seen in it before company. I then
- withdrew, taking only Amy and the Quaker with me; and Amy dressed me in
- my old Turkish habit which I danced in formerly, &c., as before. The
- Quaker was charmed with the dress, and merrily said, that if such a
- dress should come to be worn here, she should not know what to do; she
- should be tempted not to dress in the Quaker's way any more.
- When all the dress was put on, I loaded it with jewels, and in
- particular I placed the large breast-jewel which he had given me of a
- thousand pistoles upon the front of the _tyhaia_, or head-dress, where
- it made a most glorious show indeed. I had my own diamond necklace on,
- and my hair was _tout brilliant_, all glittering with jewels.
- His picture set with diamonds I had placed stitched to my vest, just, as
- might be supposed, upon my heart (which is the compliment in such cases
- among the Eastern people); and all being open at the breast, there was
- no room for anything of a jewel there.
- In this figure, Amy holding the train of my robe, I came down to him. He
- was surprised, and perfectly astonished. He knew me, to be sure, because
- I had prepared him, and because there was nobody else there but the
- Quaker and Amy; but he by no means knew Amy, for she had dressed herself
- in the habit of a Turkish slave, being the garb of my little Turk which
- I had at Naples, as I have said; she had her neck and arms bare, was
- bareheaded, and her hair braided in a long tassel hanging down her back;
- but the jade could neither hold her countenance or her chattering
- tongue, so as to be concealed long.
- Well, he was so charmed with this dress that he would have me sit and
- dine in it; but it was so thin, and so open before, and the weather
- being also sharp, that I was afraid of taking cold; however, the fire
- being enlarged and the doors kept shut, I sat to oblige him, and he
- professed he never saw so fine a dress in his life. I afterwards told
- him that my husband (so he called the jeweller that was killed) bought
- it for me at Leghorn, with a young Turkish slave which I parted with at
- Paris; and that it was by the help of that slave that I learned how to
- dress in it, and how everything was to be worn, and many of the Turkish
- customs also, with some of their language. This story agreeing with the
- fact, only changing the person, was very natural, and so it went off
- with him; but there was good reason why I should not receive any company
- in this dress--that is to say, not in England. I need not repeat it; you
- will hear more of it.
- But when I came abroad I frequently put it on, and upon two or three
- occasions danced in it, but always at his request.
- We continued at the Quaker's lodgings for above a year; for now, making
- as though it was difficult to determine where to settle in England to
- his satisfaction, unless in London, which was not to mine, I pretended
- to make him an offer, that, to oblige him, I began to incline to go and
- live abroad with him; that I knew nothing could be more agreeable to
- him, and that as to me, every place was alike; that, as I had lived
- abroad without a husband so many years, it could be no burthen to me to
- live abroad again, especially with him. Then we fell to straining our
- courtesies upon one another. He told me he was perfectly easy at living
- in England, and had squared all his affairs accordingly; for that, as he
- had told me he intended to give over all business in the world, as well
- the care of managing it as the concern about it, seeing we were both in
- condition neither to want it or to have it be worth our while, so I
- might see it was his intention, by his getting himself naturalised, and
- getting the patent of baronet, &c. Well, for all that, I told him I
- accepted his compliment, but I could not but know that his native
- country, where his children were breeding up, must be most agreeable to
- him, and that, if I was of such value to him, I would be there then, to
- enhance the rate of his satisfaction; that wherever he was would be a
- home to me, and any place in the world would be England to me if he was
- with me; and thus, in short, I brought him to give me leave to oblige
- him with going to live abroad, when, in truth, I could not have been
- perfectly easy at living in England, unless I had kept constantly within
- doors, lest some time or other the dissolute life I had lived here
- should have come to be known, and all those wicked things have been
- known too, which I now began to be very much ashamed of.
- When we closed up our wedding week, in which our Quaker had been so very
- handsome to us, I told him how much I thought we were obliged to her for
- her generous carriage to us; how she had acted the kindest part through
- the whole, and how faithful a friend she had been to me upon all
- occasions; and then letting him know a little of her family unhappiness,
- I proposed that I thought I not only ought to be grateful to her, but
- really to do something extraordinary for her, towards making her easy in
- her affairs. And I added, that I had no hangers-on that should trouble
- him; that there was nobody belonged to me but what was thoroughly
- provided for, and that, if I did something for this honest woman that
- was considerable, it should be the last gift I would give to anybody in
- the world but Amy; and as for her, we were not agoing to turn her
- adrift, but whenever anything offered for her, we would do as we saw
- cause; that, in the meantime, Amy was not poor, that she had saved
- together between seven and eight hundred pounds. By the way, I did not
- tell him how, and by what wicked ways she got it, but that she had it;
- and that was enough to let him know she would never be in want of us.
- My spouse was exceedingly pleased with my discourse about the Quaker,
- made a kind of a speech to me upon the subject of gratitude, told me it
- was one of the brightest parts of a gentlewoman, that it was so twisted
- with honesty, nay, and even with religion too, that he questioned
- whether either of them could be found where gratitude was not to be
- found; that in this act there was not only gratitude, but charity; and
- that to make the charity still more Christian-like, the object too had
- real merit to attract it; he therefore agreed to the thing with all his
- heart, only would have had me let him pay it out of his effects.
- I told him, as for that, I did not design, whatever I had said formerly,
- that we should have two pockets; and that though I had talked to him of
- being a free woman, and an independent, and the like, and he had offered
- and promised that I should keep all my own estate in my own hands; yet,
- that since I had taken him, I would e'en do as other honest wives
- did--where I thought fit to give myself, I should give what I had too;
- that if I reserved anything, it should be only in case of mortality, and
- that I might give it to his children afterwards, as my own gift; and
- that, in short, if he thought fit to join stocks, we would see to-morrow
- morning what strength we could both make up in the world, and bringing
- it all together, consider, before we resolved upon the place of
- removing, how we should dispose of what we had, as well as of ourselves.
- This discourse was too obliging, and he too much of a man of sense not
- to receive it as it was meant. He only answered, we would do in that as
- we should both agree; but the thing under our present care was to show
- not gratitude only, but charity and affection too, to our kind friend
- the Quaker; and the first word he spoke of was to settle a thousand
- pounds upon her for her life--that is to say, sixty pounds a year--but
- in such a manner as not to be in the power of any person to reach but
- herself. This was a great thing, and indeed showed the generous
- principles of my husband, and for that reason I mention it; but I
- thought that a little too much too, and particularly because I had
- another thing in view for her about the plate; so I told him I thought,
- if he gave her a purse with a hundred guineas as a present first, and
- then made her a compliment of £40 per annum for her life, secured any
- such way as she should desire, it would be very handsome.
- He agreed to that; and the same day, in the evening, when we were just
- going to bed, he took my Quaker by the hand, and, with a kiss, told her
- that we had been very kindly treated by her from the beginning of this
- affair, and his wife before, as she (meaning me) had informed him; and
- that he thought himself bound to let her see that she had obliged
- friends who knew how to be grateful; that for his part of the obligation
- he desired she would accept of that, for an acknowledgment in part only
- (putting the gold into her hand), and that his wife would talk with her
- about what farther he had to say to her; and upon that, not giving her
- time hardly to say "Thank ye," away he went upstairs into our
- bedchamber, leaving her confused and not knowing what to say.
- When he was gone she began to make very handsome and obliging
- representations of her goodwill to us both, but that it was without
- expectation of reward; that I had given her several valuable presents
- before--and so, indeed, I had; for, besides the piece of linen which I
- had given her at first, I had given her a suit of damask table-linen, of
- the linen I bought for my balls, viz., three table-cloths and three
- dozen of napkins; and at another time I gave her a little necklace of
- gold beads, and the like; but that is by the way. But she mentioned
- them, I say, and how she was obliged by me on many other occasions; that
- she was not in condition to show her gratitude any other way, not being
- able to make a suitable return; and that now we took from her all
- opportunity, to balance my former friendship, and left her more in debt
- than she was before. She spoke this in a very good kind of manner, in
- her own way, but which was very agreeable indeed, and had as much
- apparent sincerity, and I verily believe as real as was possible to be
- expressed; but I put a stop to it, and bade her say no more, but accept
- of what my spouse had given her, which was but in part, as she had heard
- him say. "And put it up," says I, "and come and sit down here, and give
- me leave to say something else to you on the same head, which my spouse
- and I have settled between ourselves in your behalf." "What dost thee
- mean?" says she, and blushed, and looked surprised, but did not stir.
- She was going to speak again, but I interrupted her, and told her she
- should make no more apologies of any kind whatever, for I had better
- things than all this to talk to her of; so I went on, and told her, that
- as she had been so friendly and kind to us on every occasion, and that
- her house was the lucky place where we came together, and that she knew
- I was from her own mouth acquainted in part with her circumstances, we
- were resolved she should be the better for us as long as she lived. Then
- I told what we had resolved to do for her, and that she had nothing more
- to do but to consult with me how it should be effectually secured for
- her, distinct from any of the effects which were her husband's; and that
- if her husband did so supply her that she could live comfortably, and
- not want it for bread or other necessaries, she should not make use of
- it, but lay up the income of it, and add it every year to the principal,
- so to increase the annual payment, which in time, and perhaps before she
- might come to want it, might double itself; that we were very willing
- whatever she should so lay up should be to herself, and whoever she
- thought fit after her; but that the forty pounds a year must return to
- our family after her life, which we both wished might be long and happy.
- Let no reader wonder at my extraordinary concern for this poor woman, or
- at my giving my bounty to her a place in this account. It is not, I
- assure you, to make a pageantry of my charity, or to value myself upon
- the greatness of my soul, that should give in so profuse a manner as
- this, which was above my figure, if my wealth had been twice as much as
- it was; but there was another spring from whence all flowed, and 'tis on
- that account I speak of it. Was it possible I could think of a poor
- desolate woman with four children, and her husband gone from her, and
- perhaps good for little if he had stayed--I say, was I, that had tasted
- so deep of the sorrows of such a kind of widowhood, able to look on her,
- and think of her circumstances, and not be touched in an uncommon
- manner? No, no; I never looked on her and her family, though she was not
- left so helpless and friendless as I had been, without remembering my
- own condition, when Amy was sent out to pawn or sell my pair of stays to
- buy a breast of mutton and a bunch of turnips; nor could I look on her
- poor children, though not poor and perishing, like mine, without tears;
- reflecting on the dreadful condition that mine were reduced to, when
- poor Amy sent them all into their aunt's in Spitalfields, and run away
- from them. These were the original springs, or fountain-head, from
- whence my affectionate thoughts were moved to assist this poor woman.
- When a poor debtor, having lain long in the Compter, or Ludgate, or the
- King's Bench for debt, afterwards gets out, rises again in the world,
- and grows rich, such a one is a certain benefactor to the prisoners
- there, and perhaps to every prison he passes by as long as he lives, for
- he remembers the dark days of his own sorrow; and even those who never
- had the experience of such sorrows to stir up their minds to acts of
- charity would have the same charitable, good disposition did they as
- sensibly remember what it is that distinguishes them from others by a
- more favourable and merciful Providence.
- This, I say, was, however, the spring of my concern for this honest,
- friendly, and grateful Quaker; and as I had so plentiful a fortune in
- the world, I resolved she should taste the fruit of her kind usage to me
- in a manner that she could not expect.
- All the while I talked to her I saw the disorder of her mind; the sudden
- joy was too much for her, and she coloured, trembled, changed, and at
- last grew pale, and was indeed near fainting, when she hastily rung a
- little bell for her maid, who coming in immediately, she beckoned to
- her--for speak she could not--to fill her a glass of wine; but she had
- no breath to take it in, and was almost choked with that which she took
- in her mouth. I saw she was ill, and assisted her what I could, and with
- spirits and things to smell to just kept her from fainting, when she
- beckoned to her maid to withdraw, and immediately burst out in crying,
- and that relieved her. When she recovered herself a little she flew to
- me, and throwing her arms about my neck, "Oh!" says she, "thou hast
- almost killed me;" and there she hung, laying her head in my neck for
- half a quarter of an hour, not able to speak, but sobbing like a child
- that had been whipped.
- I was very sorry that I did not stop a little in the middle of my
- discourse and make her drink a glass of wine before it had put her
- spirits into such a violent motion; but it was too late, and it was ten
- to one odds but that it had killed her.
- But she came to herself at last, and began to say some very good things
- in return for my kindness. I would not let her go on, but told her I had
- more to say to her still than all this, but that I would let it alone
- till another time. My meaning was about the box of plate, good part of
- which I gave her, and some I gave to Amy; for I had so much plate, and
- some so large, that I thought if I let my husband see it he might be apt
- to wonder what occasion I could ever have for so much, and for plate of
- such a kind too; as particularly a great cistern for bottles, which cost
- a hundred and twenty pounds, and some large candlesticks too big for any
- ordinary use. These I caused Amy to sell; in short, Amy sold above three
- hundred pounds' worth of plate; what I gave the Quaker was worth above
- sixty pounds, and I gave Amy above thirty pounds' worth, and yet I had a
- great deal left for my husband.
- Nor did our kindness to the Quaker end with the forty pounds a year, for
- we were always, while we stayed with her, which was above ten months,
- giving her one good thing or another; and, in a word, instead of lodging
- with her, she boarded with us, for I kept the house, and she and all
- her family ate and drank with us, and yet we paid her the rent of the
- house too; in short, I remembered my widowhood, and I made this widow's
- heart glad many a day the more upon that account.
- And now my spouse and I began to think of going over to Holland, where I
- had proposed to him to live, and in order to settle all the
- preliminaries of our future manner of living, I began to draw in my
- effects, so as to have them all at command upon whatever occasion we
- thought fit; after which, one morning I called my spouse up to me: "Hark
- ye, sir," said I to him, "I have two very weighty questions to ask of
- you. I don't know what answer you will give to the first, but I doubt
- you will be able to give but a sorry answer to the other, and yet, I
- assure you, it is of the last importance to yourself, and towards the
- future part of your life, wherever it is to be."
- He did not seem to be much alarmed, because he could see I was speaking
- in a kind of merry way. "Let's hear your questions, my dear," says he,
- "and I'll give the best answer I can to them." "Why, first," says I:
- "I. You have married a wife here, made her a lady, and put her in
- expectation of being something else still when she comes abroad. Pray
- have you examined whether you are able to supply all her extravagant
- demands when she comes abroad, and maintain an expensive Englishwoman in
- all her pride and vanity? In short, have you inquired whether you are
- able to keep her?
- "II. You have married a wife here, and given her a great many fine
- things, and you maintain her like a princess, and sometimes call her so.
- Pray what portion have you had with her? what fortune has she been to
- you? and where does her estate lie, that you keep her so fine? I am
- afraid that you keep her in a figure a great deal above her estate, at
- least above all that you have seen of it yet. Are you sure you han't got
- a bite, and that you have not made a beggar a lady?"
- "Well," says he, "have you any more questions to ask? Let's have them
- all together; perhaps they may be all answered in a few words, as well
- as these two." "No," says I, "these are the two grand questions--at
- least for the present." "Why, then," says he, "I'll answer you in a few
- words; that I am fully master of my own circumstances, and, without
- farther inquiry, can let my wife you speak of know, that as I have made
- her a lady I can maintain her as a lady, wherever she goes with me; and
- this whether I have one pistole of her portion, or whether she has any
- portion or no; and as I have not inquired whether she has any portion or
- not, so she shall not have the less respect showed her from me, or be
- obliged to live meaner, or be anyways straitened on that account; on the
- contrary, if she goes abroad to live with me in my own country, I will
- make her more than a lady, and support the expense of it too, without
- meddling with anything she has; and this, I suppose," says he, "contains
- an answer to both your questions together."
- He spoke this with a great deal more earnestness in his countenance than
- I had when I proposed my questions, and said a great many kind things
- upon it, as the consequence of former discourses, so that I was obliged
- to be in earnest too. "My dear," says I, "I was but in jest in my
- questions; but they were proposed to introduce what I am going to say to
- you in earnest; namely, that if I am to go abroad, 'tis time I should
- let you know how things stand, and what I have to bring you with your
- wife; how it is to be disposed and secured, and the like; and therefore
- come," says I, "sit down, and let me show you your bargain here; I hope
- you will find that you have not got a wife without a fortune."
- He told me then, that since he found I was in earnest, he desired that I
- would adjourn it till to-morrow, and then we would do as the poor people
- do after they marry, feel in their pockets, and see how much money they
- can bring together in the world. "Well," says I, "with all my heart;"
- and so we ended our talk for that time.
- As this was in the morning, my spouse went out after dinner to his
- goldsmith's, as he said, and about three hours after returns with a
- porter and two large boxes with him; and his servant brought another
- box, which I observed was almost as heavy as the two that the porter
- brought, and made the poor fellow sweat heartily; he dismissed the
- porter, and in a little while after went out again with his man, and
- returning at night, brought another porter with more boxes and bundles,
- and all was carried up, and put into a chamber, next to our bedchamber;
- and in the morning he called for a pretty large round table, and began
- to unpack.
- When the boxes were opened, I found they were chiefly full of books, and
- papers, and parchments, I mean books of accounts, and writings, and such
- things as were in themselves of no moment to me, because I understood
- them not; but I perceived he took them all out, and spread them about
- him upon the table and chairs, and began to be very busy with them; so I
- withdrew and left him; and he was indeed so busy among them, that he
- never missed me till I had been gone a good while; but when he had gone
- through all his papers, and come to open a little box, he called for me
- again. "Now," says he, and called me his countess, "I am ready to answer
- your first question; if you will sit down till I have opened this box,
- we will see how it stands."
- So we opened the box; there was in it indeed what I did not expect, for
- I thought he had sunk his estate rather than raised it; but he produced
- me in goldsmiths' bills, and stock in the English East India Company,
- about sixteen thousand pounds sterling; then he gave into my hands nine
- assignments upon the Bank of Lyons in France, and two upon the rents of
- the town-house in Paris, amounting in the whole to 5800 crowns per
- annum, or annual rent, as it is called there; and lastly, the sum of
- 30,000 rixdollars in the Bank of Amsterdam; besides some jewels and gold
- in the box to the value of about £1500 or £1600, among which was a very
- good necklace of pearl of about £200 value; and that he pulled out and
- tied about my neck, telling me that should not be reckoned into the
- account.
- I was equally pleased and surprised, and it was with an inexpressible
- joy that I saw him so rich.
- "You might well tell me," said I, "that you were able to make me
- countess, and maintain me as such." In short, he was immensely rich; for
- besides all this, he showed me, which was the reason of his being so
- busy among the books, I say, he showed me several adventures he had
- abroad in the business of his merchandise; as particularly an eighth
- share in an East India ship then abroad; an account-courant with a
- merchant at Cadiz in Spain; about £3000 lent upon bottomry, upon ships
- gone to the Indies; and a large cargo of goods in a merchant's hands,
- for sale at Lisbon in Portugal; so that in his books there was about
- £12,000 more; all which put together, made about £27,000 sterling, and
- £1320 a year.
- I stood amazed at this account, as well I might, and said nothing to him
- for a good while, and the rather because I saw him still busy looking
- over his books. After a while, as I was going to express my wonder,
- "Hold, my dear," says he, "this is not all neither;" then he pulled me
- out some old seals, and small parchment rolls, which I did not
- understand; but he told me they were a right of reversion which he had
- to a paternal estate in his family, and a mortgage of 14,000 rixdollars,
- which he had upon it, in the hands of the present possessor; so that was
- about £3000 more.
- "But now hold again," says he, "for I must pay my debts out of all this,
- and they are very great, I assure you;" and the first he said was a
- black article of 8000 pistoles, which he had a lawsuit about at Paris,
- but had it awarded against him, which was the loss he had told me of,
- and which made him leave Paris in disgust; that in other accounts he
- owed about £5300 sterling; but after all this, upon the whole, he had
- still £17,000 clear stock in money, and £1320 a year in rent.
- After some pause, it came to my turn to speak. "Well," says I, "'tis
- very hard a gentleman with such a fortune as this should come over to
- England, and marry a wife with nothing; it shall never," says I, "be
- said, but what I have, I'll bring into the public stock;" so I began to
- produce.
- First, I pulled out the mortgage which good Sir Robert had procured for
- me, the annual rent £700 per annum; the principal money £14,000.
- Secondly, I pulled out another mortgage upon land, procured by the same
- faithful friend, which at three times had advanced £12,000.
- Thirdly, I pulled him out a parcel of little securities, procured by
- several hands, by fee-farm rents, and such petty mortgages as those
- times afforded, amounting to £10,800 principal money, and paying six
- hundred and thirty-six pounds a-year. So that in the whole there was two
- thousand and fifty-six pounds a year ready money constantly coming in.
- When I had shown him all these, I laid them upon the table, and bade him
- take them, that he might be able to give me an answer to the second
- question. What fortune he had with his wife? And laughed a little at it.
- He looked at them awhile, and then handed them all back again to me: "I
- will not touch them," says he, "nor one of them, till they are all
- settled in trustees' hands for your own use, and the management wholly
- your own."
- I cannot omit what happened to me while all this was acting; though it
- was cheerful work in the main, yet I trembled every joint of me, worse
- for aught I know than ever Belshazzar did at the handwriting on the
- wall, and the occasion was every way as just. "Unhappy wretch," said I
- to myself, "shall my ill-got wealth, the product of prosperous lust, and
- of a vile and vicious life of whoredom and adultery, be intermingled
- with the honest well-gotten estate of this innocent gentleman, to be a
- moth and a caterpillar among it, and bring the judgments of heaven upon
- him, and upon what he has, for my sake? Shall my wickedness blast his
- comforts? Shall I be fire in his flax? and be a means to provoke heaven
- to curse his blessings? God forbid! I'll keep them asunder if it be
- possible."
- This is the true reason why I have been so particular in the account of
- my vast acquired stock; and how his estate, which was perhaps the
- product of many years' fortunate industry, and which was equal if not
- superior to mine at best, was, at my request, kept apart from mine, as
- is mentioned above.
- I have told you how he gave back all my writings into my own hands
- again. "Well," says I, "seeing you will have it be kept apart, it shall
- be so, upon one condition, which I have to propose, and no other." "And
- what is the condition?" says he. "Why," says I, "all the pretence I can
- have for the making over my own estate to me is, that in case of your
- mortality, I may have it reserved for me, if I outlive you." "Well,"
- says he, "that is true" "But then," said I, "the annual income is always
- received by the husband, during his life, as 'tis supposed, for the
- mutual subsistence of the family; now," says I, "here is £2000 a year,
- which I believe is as much as we shall spend, and I desire none of it
- may be saved; and all the income of your own estate, the interest of the
- £17,000 and the £1320 a year, may be constantly laid by for the increase
- of your estate; and so," added I, "by joining the interest every year to
- the capital you will perhaps grow as rich as you would do if you were to
- trade with it all, if you were obliged to keep house out of it too."
- He liked the proposal very well, and said it should be so; and this way
- I, in some measure, satisfied myself that I should not bring my husband
- under the blast of a just Providence, for mingling my cursed ill-gotten
- wealth with his honest estate. This was occasioned by the reflections
- which, at some certain intervals of time, came into my thoughts of the
- justice of heaven, which I had reason to expect would some time or other
- still fall upon me or my effects, for the dreadful life I had lived.
- And let nobody conclude from the strange success I met with in all my
- wicked doings, and the vast estate which I had raised by it, that
- therefore I either was happy or easy. No, no, there was a dart struck
- into the liver; there was a secret hell within, even all the while, when
- our joy was at the highest; but more especially now, after it was all
- over, and when, according to all appearance, I was one of the happiest
- women upon earth; all this while, I say, I had such constant terror upon
- my mind, as gave me every now and then very terrible shocks, and which
- made me expect something very frightful upon every accident of life.
- In a word, it never lightened or thundered, but I expected the next
- flash would penetrate my vitals, and melt the sword (soul) in this
- scabbard of flesh; it never blew a storm of wind, but I expected the
- fall of some stack of chimneys, or some part of the house, would bury me
- in its ruins; and so of other things.
- But I shall perhaps have occasion to speak of all these things again
- by-and-by; the case before us was in a manner settled; we had full four
- thousand pounds per annum for our future subsistence, besides a vast sum
- in jewels and plate; and besides this, I had about eight thousand pounds
- reserved in money which I kept back from him, to provide for my two
- daughters, of whom I have much yet to say.
- With this estate, settled as you have heard, and with the best husband
- in the world, I left England again; I had not only, in human prudence,
- and by the nature of the thing, being now married and settled in so
- glorious a manner,--I say, I had not only abandoned all the gay and
- wicked course which I had gone through before, but I began to look back
- upon it with that horror and that detestation which is the certain
- companion, if not the forerunner, of repentance.
- Sometimes the wonders of my present circumstances would work upon me,
- and I should have some raptures upon my soul, upon the subject of my
- coming so smoothly out of the arms of hell, that I was not ingulfed in
- ruin, as most who lead such lives are, first or last; but this was a
- flight too high for me; I was not come to that repentance that is raised
- from a sense of Heaven's goodness; I repented of the crime, but it was
- of another and lower kind of repentance, and rather moved by my fears of
- vengeance, than from a sense of being spared from being punished, and
- landed safe after a storm.
- The first thing which happened after our coming to the Hague (where we
- lodged for a while) was, that my spouse saluted me one morning with the
- title of countess, as he said he intended to do, by having the
- inheritance to which the honour was annexed made over to him. It is
- true, it was a reversion, but it soon fell, and in the meantime, as all
- the brothers of a count are called counts, so I had the title by
- courtesy, about three years before I had it in reality.
- I was agreeably surprised at this coming so soon, and would have had my
- spouse have taken the money which it cost him out of my stock, but he
- laughed at me, and went on.
- I was now in the height of my glory and prosperity, and I was called the
- Countess de ----; for I had obtained that unlooked for, which I secretly
- aimed at, and was really the main reason of my coming abroad. I took now
- more servants, lived in a kind of magnificence that I had not been
- acquainted with, was called "your honour" at every word, and had a
- coronet behind my coach; though at the same time I knew little or
- nothing of my new pedigree.
- The first thing that my spouse took upon him to manage, was to declare
- ourselves married eleven years before our arriving in Holland; and
- consequently to acknowledge our little son, who was yet in England, to
- be legitimate; order him to be brought over, and added to his family,
- and acknowledge him to be our own.
- This was done by giving notice to his people at Nimeguen, where his
- children (which were two sons and a daughter) were brought up, that he
- was come over from England, and that he was arrived at the Hague with
- his wife, and should reside there some time, and that he would have his
- two sons brought down to see him; which accordingly was done, and where
- I entertained them with all the kindness and tenderness that they could
- expect from their mother-in-law; and who pretended to be so ever since
- they were two or three years old.
- This supposing us to have been so long married was not difficult at all,
- in a country where we had been seen together about that time, viz.,
- eleven years and a half before, and where we had never been seen
- afterwards till we now returned together: this being seen together was
- also openly owned and acknowledged, of course, by our friend the
- merchant at Rotterdam, and also by the people in the house where we both
- lodged in the same city, and where our first intimacies began, and who,
- as it happened, were all alive; and therefore, to make it the more
- public, we made a tour to Rotterdam again, lodged in the same house, and
- was visited there by our friend the merchant, and afterwards invited
- frequently to his house, where he treated us very handsomely.
- This conduct of my spouse, and which he managed very cleverly, was
- indeed a testimony of a wonderful degree of honesty and affection to our
- little son; for it was done purely for the sake of the child.
- I call it an honest affection, because it was from a principle of
- honesty that he so earnestly concerned himself to prevent the scandal
- which would otherwise have fallen upon the child, who was itself
- innocent; and as it was from this principle of justice that he so
- earnestly solicited me, and conjured me by the natural affections of a
- mother, to marry him when it was yet young within me and unborn, that
- the child might not suffer for the sin of its father and mother; so,
- though at the same time he really loved me very well, yet I had reason
- to believe that it was from this principle of justice to the child that
- he came to England again to seek me with design to marry me, and, as he
- called it, save the innocent lamb from infamy worse than death.
- It was with a just reproach to myself that I must repeat it again, that
- I had not the same concern for it, though it was the child of my own
- body; nor had I ever the hearty affectionate love to the child that he
- had. What the reason of it was I cannot tell; and, indeed, I had shown a
- general neglect of the child through all the gay years of my London
- revels, except that I sent Amy to look upon it now and then, and to pay
- for its nursing; as for me, I scarce saw it four times in the first four
- years of its life, and often wished it would go quietly out of the
- world; whereas a son which I had by the jeweller, I took a different
- care of, and showed a different concern for, though I did not let him
- know me; for I provided very well for him, had him put out very well to
- school, and when he came to years fit for it, let him go over with a
- person of honesty and good business, to the Indies; and after he had
- lived there some time, and began to act for himself, sent him over the
- value of £2000, at several times, with which he traded and grew rich;
- and, as 'tis to be hoped, may at last come over again with forty or
- fifty thousand pounds in his pocket, as many do who have not such
- encouragement at their beginning.
- I also sent him over a wife, a beautiful young lady, well-bred, an
- exceeding good-natured pleasant creature; but the nice young fellow did
- not like her, and had the impudence to write to me, that is, to the
- person I employed to correspond with him, to send him another, and
- promised that he would marry her I had sent him, to a friend of his, who
- liked her better than he did; but I took it so ill, that I would not
- send him another, and withal, stopped another article of £1000 which I
- had appointed to send him. He considered of it afterwards, and offered
- to take her; but then truly she took so ill the first affront he put
- upon her, that she would not have him, and I sent him word I thought she
- was very much in the right. However, after courting her two years, and
- some friends interposing, she took him, and made him an excellent wife,
- as I knew she would, but I never sent him the thousand pounds cargo, so
- that he lost that money for misusing me, and took the lady at last
- without it.
- My new spouse and I lived a very regular, contemplative life; and, in
- itself, certainly a life filled with all human felicity. But if I looked
- upon my present situation with satisfaction, as I certainly did, so, in
- proportion, I on all occasions looked back on former things with
- detestation, and with the utmost affliction; and now, indeed, and not
- till now, those reflections began to prey upon my comforts, and lessen
- the sweets of my other enjoyments. They might be said to have gnawed a
- hole in my heart before; but now they made a hole quite through it: now
- they ate into all my pleasant things, made bitter every sweet, and mixed
- my sighs with every smile.
- Not all the affluence of a plentiful fortune; not a hundred thousand
- pounds estate (for, between us, we had little less); not honour and
- titles, attendants and equipages; in a word, not all the things we call
- pleasure, could give me any relish, or sweeten the taste of things to
- me; at least, not so much but I grew sad, heavy, pensive, and
- melancholy; slept little, and ate little; dreamed continually of the
- most frightful and terrible things imaginable: nothing but apparitions
- of devils and monsters, falling into gulfs, and off from steep and high
- precipices, and the like; so that in the morning, when I should rise,
- and be refreshed with the blessing of rest, I was hag-ridden with
- frights and terrible things formed merely in the imagination, and was
- either tired and wanted sleep, or overrun with vapours, and not fit for
- conversing with my family, or any one else.
- My husband, the tenderest creature in the world, and particularly so to
- me, was in great concern for me, and did everything that lay in his
- power to comfort and restore me; strove to reason me out of it; then
- tried all the ways possible to divert me: but it was all to no purpose,
- or to but very little.
- My only relief was sometimes to unbosom myself to poor Amy, when she and
- I was alone; and she did all she could to comfort me. But all was to
- little effect there; for, though Amy was the better penitent before,
- when we had been in the storm, Amy was just where she used to be now, a
- wild, gay, loose wretch, and not much the graver for her age; for Amy
- was between forty and fifty by this time too.
- But to go on with my own story. As I had no comforter, so I had no
- counsellor; it was well, as I often thought, that I was not a Roman
- Catholic; for what a piece of work should I have made, to have gone to a
- priest with such a history as I had to tell him; and what penance would
- any father confessor have obliged me to perform, especially if he had
- been honest, and true to his office!
- However, as I had none of the recourse, so I had none of the absolution,
- by which the criminal confessing goes away comforted; but I went about
- with a heart loaded with crime, and altogether in the dark as to what I
- was to do; and in this condition I languished near two years. I may well
- call it languishing, for if Providence had not relieved me, I should
- have died in little time. But of that hereafter.
- I must now go back to another scene, and join it to this end of my
- story, which will complete all my concern with England, at least all
- that I shall bring into this account.
- I have hinted at large what I had done for my two sons, one at Messina,
- and the other in the Indies; but I have not gone through the story of my
- two daughters. I was so in danger of being known by one of them, that I
- durst not see her, so as to let her know who I was; and for the other, I
- could not well know how to see her, and own her, and let her see me,
- because she must then know that I would not let her sister know me,
- which would look strange; so that, upon the whole, I resolved to see
- neither of them at all. But Amy managed all that for me; and when she
- had made gentlewomen of them both, by giving them a good, though late
- education, she had like to have blown up the whole case, and herself and
- me too, by an unhappy discovery of herself to the last of them, that is,
- to her who was our cook-maid, and who, as I said before, Amy had been
- obliged to turn away, for fear of the very discovery which now happened.
- I have observed already in what manner Amy managed her by a third
- person; and how the girl, when she was set up for a lady, as above, came
- and visited Amy at my lodgings; after which, Amy going, as was her
- custom, to see the girl's brother (my son) at the honest man's house in
- Spitalfields, both the girls were there, merely by accident, at the same
- time; and the other girl unawares discovered the secret, namely, that
- this was the lady that had done all this for them.
- Amy was greatly surprised at it; but as she saw there was no remedy, she
- made a jest of it, and so after that conversed openly, being still
- satisfied that neither of them could make much of it, as long as they
- knew nothing of me. So she took them together one time, and told them
- the history, as she called it, of their mother, beginning at the
- miserable carrying them to their aunt's; she owned she was not their
- mother herself, but described her to them. However, when she said she
- was not their mother, one of them expressed herself very much surprised,
- for the girl had taken up a strong fancy that Amy was really her mother,
- and that she had, for some particular reasons, concealed it from her;
- and therefore, when she told her frankly that she was not her mother,
- the girl fell a-crying, and Amy had much ado to keep life in her. This
- was the girl who was at first my cook-maid in the Pall Mall. When Amy
- had brought her to again a little, and she had recovered her first
- disorder, Amy asked what ailed her? The poor girl hung about her, and
- kissed her, and was in such a passion still, though she was a great
- wench of nineteen or twenty years old, that she could not be brought to
- speak a great while. At last, having recovered her speech, she said
- still, "But oh! Do not say you a'n't my mother! I'm sure you are my
- mother;" and then the girl cried again like to kill herself. Amy could
- not tell what to do with her a good while; she was loth to say again she
- was not her mother, because she would not throw her into a fit of
- crying again; but she went round about a little with her. "Why, child,"
- says she, "why would you have me be your mother? If it be because I am
- so kind to you, be easy, my dear," says Amy; "I'll be as kind to you
- still, as if I was your mother."
- "Ay, but," says the girl, "I am sure you are my mother too; and what
- have I done that you won't own me, and that you will not be called my
- mother? Though I am poor, you have made me a gentlewoman," says she,
- "and I won't do anything to disgrace you; besides," added she, "I can
- keep a secret, too, especially for my own mother, sure;" then she calls
- Amy her dear mother, and hung about her neck again, crying still
- vehemently.
- This last part of the girl's words alarmed Amy, and, as she told me,
- frighted her terribly; nay, she was so confounded with it, that she was
- not able to govern herself, or to conceal her disorder from the girl
- herself, as you shall hear. Amy was at a full stop, and confused to the
- last degree; and the girl, a sharp jade, turned it upon her. "My dear
- mother," says she, "do not be uneasy about it; I know it all; but do not
- be uneasy, I won't let my sister know a word of it, or my brother
- either, without you giving me leave; but don't disown me now you have
- found me; don't hide yourself from me any longer; I can't bear that,"
- says she, "it will break my heart."
- "I think the girl's mad," says Amy; "why, child, I tell thee, if I was
- thy mother I would not disown thee; don't you see I am as kind to you
- as if I was your mother?" Amy might as well have sung a song to a
- kettledrum, as talk to her. "Yes," says the girl, "you are very good to
- me indeed;" and that was enough to make anybody believe she was her
- mother too; but, however, that was not the case, she had other reasons
- to believe, and to know, that she was her mother; and it was a sad thing
- she would not let her call her mother, who was her own child.
- Amy was so heart-full with the disturbance of it, that she did not enter
- farther with her into the inquiry, as she would otherwise have done; I
- mean, as to what made the girl so positive; but comes away, and tells me
- the whole story.
- I was thunderstruck with the story at first, and much more afterwards,
- as you shall hear; but, I say, I was thunderstruck at first, and amazed,
- and said to Amy, "There must be something or other in it more than we
- know of." But, having examined farther into it, I found the girl had no
- notion of anybody but of Amy; and glad I was that I was not concerned in
- the pretence, and that the girl had no notion of me in it. But even this
- easiness did not continue long; for the next time Amy went to see her,
- she was the same thing, and rather more violent with Amy than she was
- before. Amy endeavoured to pacify her by all the ways imaginable: first,
- she told her she took it ill that she would not believe her; and told
- her, if she would not give over such a foolish whimsey, she would leave
- her to the wide world as she found her.
- This put the girl into fits, and she cried ready to kill herself, and
- hung about Amy again like a child. "Why," says Amy, "why can you not be
- easy with me, then, and compose yourself, and let me go on to do you
- good, and show you kindness, as I would do, and as I intend to do? Can
- you think that if I was your mother, I would not tell you so? What
- whimsey is this that possesses your mind?" says Amy. Well, the girl told
- her in a few words (but those few such as frighted Amy out of her wits,
- and me too) that she knew well enough how it was. "I know," says she,
- "when you left ----," naming the village, "where I lived when my father
- went away from us all, that you went over to France; I know that too,
- and who you went with," says the girl; "did not my Lady Roxana come back
- again with you? I know it all well enough; though I was but a child, I
- have heard it all." And thus she run on with such discourse as put Amy
- out of all temper again; and she raved at her like a bedlam, and told
- her she would never come near her any more; she might go a-begging again
- if she would; she'd have nothing to do with her. The girl, a passionate
- wench, told her she knew the worst of it, she could go to service again,
- and if she would not own her own child, she must do as she pleased; then
- she fell into a passion of crying again, as if she would kill herself.
- In short, this girl's conduct terrified Amy to the last degree, and me
- too; and was it not that we knew the girl was quite wrong in some
- things, she was yet so right in some other, that it gave me a great deal
- of perplexity; but that which put Amy the most to it, was that the girl
- (my daughter) told her that she (meaning me, her mother) had gone away
- with the jeweller, and into France too; she did not call him the
- jeweller, but with the landlord of the house; who, after her mother fell
- into distress, and that Amy had taken all the children from her, made
- much of her, and afterwards married her.
- In short, it was plain the girl had but a broken account of things, but
- yet that she had received some accounts that had a reality in the bottom
- of them, so that, it seems, our first measures, and the amour with the
- jeweller, were not so concealed as I thought they had been; and, it
- seems, came in a broken manner to my sister-in-law, who Amy carried the
- children to, and she made some bustle, it seems, about it. But, as good
- luck was, it was too late, and I was removed and gone, none knew
- whither, or else she would have sent all the children home to me again,
- to be sure.
- This we picked out of the girl's discourse, that is to say, Amy did, at
- several times; but it all consisted of broken fragments of stories, such
- as the girl herself had heard so long ago, that she herself could make
- very little of it; only that in the main, that her mother had played the
- whore; had gone away with the gentleman that was landlord of the house;
- that he married her; that she went into France. And, as she had learned
- in my family, where she was a servant, that Mrs. Amy and her Lady Roxana
- had been in France together, so she put all these things together, and
- joining them with the great kindness that Amy now showed her, possessed
- the creature that Amy was really her mother, nor was it possible for Amy
- to conquer it for a long time.
- But this, after I had searched into it, as far as by Amy's relation I
- could get an account of it, did not disquiet me half so much as that the
- young slut had got the name of Roxana by the end, and that she knew who
- her Lady Roxana was, and the like; though this, neither, did not hang
- together, for then she would not have fixed upon Amy for her mother. But
- some time after, when Amy had almost persuaded her out of it, and that
- the girl began to be so confounded in her discourses of it, that she
- made neither head nor tail, at last the passionate creature flew out in
- a kind of rage, and said to Amy, that if she was not her mother, Madam
- Roxana was her mother then, for one of them, she was sure, was her
- mother; and then all this that Amy had done for her was by Madam
- Roxana's order. "And I am sure," says she, "it was my Lady Roxana's
- coach that brought the gentlewoman, whoever it was, to my uncle's in
- Spitalfields, for the coachman told me so." Amy fell a-laughing at her
- aloud, as was her usual way; but, as Amy told me, it was but on one
- side of her mouth, for she was so confounded at her discourse, that she
- was ready to sink into the ground; and so was I too when she told it me.
- However, Amy brazened her out of it all; told her, "Well, since you
- think you are so high-born as to be my Lady Roxana's daughter, you may
- go to her and claim your kindred, can't you? I suppose," says Amy, "you
- know where to find her?" She said she did not question to find her, for
- she knew where she was gone to live privately; but, though, she might be
- removed again. "For I know how it is," says she, with a kind of a smile
- or a grin; "I know how it all is, well enough."
- Amy was so provoked, that she told me, in short, she began to think it
- would be absolutely necessary to murder her. That expression filled me
- with horror, all my blood ran chill in my veins, and a fit of trembling
- seized me, that I could not speak a good while; at last. "What, is the
- devil in you, Amy?" said I. "Nay, nay," says she, "let it be the devil
- or not the devil, if I thought she knew one tittle of your history, I
- would despatch her if she were my own daughter a thousand times." "And
- I," says I in a rage, "as well as I love you, would be the first that
- should put the halter about your neck, and see you hanged with more
- satisfaction than ever I saw you in my life; nay," says I, "you would
- not live to be hanged, I believe I should cut your throat with my own
- hand; I am almost ready to do it," said I, "as 'tis, for your but
- naming the thing." With that, I called her cursed devil, and bade her
- get out of the room.
- I think it was the first time that ever I was angry with Amy in all my
- life; and when all was done, though she was a devilish jade in having
- such a thought, yet it was all of it the effect of her excess of
- affection and fidelity to me.
- But this thing gave me a terrible shock, for it happened just after I
- was married, and served to hasten my going over to Holland; for I would
- not have been seen, so as to be known by the name of Roxana, no, not for
- ten thousand pounds; it would have been enough to have ruined me to all
- intents and purposes with my husband, and everybody else too; I might as
- well have been the "German princess."
- Well, I set Amy to work; and give Amy her due, she set all her wits to
- work to find out which way this girl had her knowledge, but, more
- particularly, how much knowledge she had--that is to say, what she
- really knew, and what she did not know, for this was the main thing with
- me; how she could say she knew who Madam Roxana was, and what notions
- she had of that affair, was very mysterious to me, for it was certain
- she could not have a right notion of me, because she would have it be
- that Amy was her mother.
- I scolded heartily at Amy for letting the girl ever know her, that is to
- say, know her in this affair; for that she knew her could not be hid,
- because she, as I might say, served Amy, or rather under Amy, in my
- family, as is said before; but she (Amy) talked with her at first by
- another person, and not by herself; and that secret came out by an
- accident, as I have said above.
- Amy was concerned at it as well as I, but could not help it; and though
- it gave us great uneasiness, yet, as there was no remedy, we were bound
- to make as little noise of it as we could, that it might go no farther.
- I bade Amy punish the girl for it, and she did so, for she parted with
- her in a huff, and told her she should see she was not her mother, for
- that she could leave her just where she found her; and seeing she could
- not be content to be served by the kindness of a friend, but that she
- would needs make a mother of her, she would, for the future, be neither
- mother or friend, and so bid her go to service again, and be a drudge as
- she was before.
- The poor girl cried most lamentably, but would not be beaten out of it
- still; but that which dumbfoundered Amy more than all the rest was that
- when she had berated the poor girl a long time, and could not beat her out
- of it, and had, as I have observed, threatened to leave her, the girl
- kept to what she said before, and put this turn to it again, that she
- was sure, if Amy wa'n't, my Lady Roxana was her mother, and that she
- would go find her out; adding, that she made no doubt but she could do
- it, for she knew where to inquire the name of her new husband.
- Amy came home with this piece of news in her mouth to me. I could easily
- perceive when she came in that she was mad in her mind, and in a rage at
- something or other, and was in great pain to get it out; for when she
- came first in, my husband was in the room. However, Amy going up to
- undress her, I soon made an excuse to follow her, and coming into the
- room, "What the d--l is the matter, Amy?" says I; "I am sure you have
- some bad news." "News," says Amy aloud; "ay, so I have; I think the d--l
- is in that young wench. She'll ruin us all and herself too; there's no
- quieting her." So she went on and told me all the particulars; but sure
- nothing was so astonished as I was when she told me that the girl knew I
- was married, that she knew my husband's name, and would endeavour to
- find me out. I thought I should have sunk down at the very words. In the
- middle of all my amazement, Amy starts up and runs about the room like a
- distracted body. "I must put an end to it, that I will; I can't bear
- it--I must murder her, I'll kill the b----;" and swears by her Maker, in
- the most serious tone in the world, and then repeated it over three or
- four times, walking to and again in the room. "I will, in short, I will
- kill her, if there was not another wench in the world."
- "Prithee hold thy tongue, Amy," says I; "why, thou art mad." "Ay, so I
- am," says she, "stark mad; but I'll be the death of her for all that,
- and then I shall be sober again." "But you sha'n't," says I, "you
- sha'n't hurt a hair of her head; why, you ought to be hanged for what
- you have done already, for having resolved on it is doing it; as to the
- guilt of the fact you are a murderer already, as much as if you had done
- it already."
- "I know that," says Amy, "and it can be no worse; I'll put you out of
- your pain, and her too; she shall never challenge you for her mother in
- this world, whatever she may in the next." "Well, well," says I, "be
- quiet, and do not talk thus, I can't bear it." So she grew a little
- soberer after a while.
- I must acknowledge, the notion of being discovered carried with it so
- many frightful ideas, and hurried my thoughts so much, that I was scarce
- myself any more than Amy, so dreadful a thing is a load of guilt upon
- the mind.
- And yet when Amy began the second time to talk thus abominably of
- killing the poor child, of murdering her, and swore by her Maker that
- she would, so that I began to see that she was in earnest, I was farther
- terrified a great deal, and it helped to bring me to myself again in
- other cases.
- We laid our heads together then to see if it was possible to discover by
- what means she had learned to talk so, and how she (I mean my girl) came
- to know that her mother had married a husband; but it would not do, the
- girl would acknowledge nothing, and gave but a very imperfect account of
- things still, being disgusted to the last degree with Amy's leaving her
- so abruptly as she did.
- Well, Amy went to the house where the boy was; but it was all one, there
- they had only heard a confused story of the lady somebody, they knew not
- who, which the same wench had told them, but they gave no heed to it at
- all. Amy told them how foolishly the girl had acted, and how she had
- carried on the whimsey so far, in spite of all they could say to her;
- that she had taken it so ill, she would see her no more, and so she
- might e'en go to service again if she would, for she (Amy) would have
- nothing to do with her unless she humbled herself and changed her note,
- and that quickly too.
- The good old gentleman, who had been the benefactor to them all, was
- greatly concerned at it, and the good woman his wife was grieved beyond
- all expressing, and begged her ladyship (meaning Amy), not to resent it;
- they promised, too, they would talk with her about it, and the old
- gentlewoman added, with some astonishment, "Sure she cannot be such a
- fool but she will be prevailed with to hold her tongue, when she has it
- from your own mouth that you are not her mother, and sees that it
- disobliges your ladyship to have her insist upon it." And so Amy came
- away with some expectation that it would be stopped here.
- But the girl was such a fool for all that, and persisted in it
- obstinately, notwithstanding all they could say to her; nay, her sister
- begged and entreated her not to play the fool, for that it would ruin
- her too, and that the lady (meaning Amy) would abandon them both.
- Well, notwithstanding this, she insisted, I say, upon it, and which was
- worse, the longer it lasted the more she began to drop Amy's ladyship,
- and would have it that the Lady Roxana was her mother, and that she had
- made some inquiries about it, and did not doubt but she should find her
- out.
- When it was come to this, and we found there was nothing to be done with
- the girl, but that she was so obstinately bent upon the search after me,
- that she ventured to forfeit all she had in view; I say, when I found it
- was come to this, I began to be more serious in my preparations of my
- going beyond sea, and particularly, it gave me some reason to fear that
- there was something in it. But the following accident put me beside all
- my measures, and struck me into the greatest confusion that ever I was
- in my life.
- I was so near going abroad that my spouse and I had taken measures for
- our going off; and because I would be sure not to go too public, but so
- as to take away all possibility of being seen, I had made some exception
- to my spouse against going in the ordinary public passage boats. My
- pretence to him was the promiscuous crowds in those vessels, want of
- convenience, and the like. So he took the hint, and found me out an
- English merchant-ship, which was bound for Rotterdam, and getting soon
- acquainted with the master, he hired his whole ship, that is to say, his
- great cabin, for I do not mean his ship for freight, that so we had all
- the conveniences possible for our passage; and all things being near
- ready, he brought home the captain one day to dinner with him, that I
- might see him, and be acquainted a little with him. So we came after
- dinner to talk of the ship and the conveniences on board, and the
- captain pressed me earnestly to come on board and see the ship,
- intimating that he would treat us as well as he could; and in discourse
- I happened to say I hoped he had no other passengers. He said no, he had
- not; but, he said, his wife had courted him a good while to let her go
- over to Holland with him, for he always used that trade, but he never
- could think of venturing all he had in one bottom; but if I went with
- him he thought to take her and her kinswoman along with him this voyage,
- that they might both wait upon me; and so added, that if we would do him
- the honour to dine on board the next day, he would bring his wife on
- board, the better to make us welcome.
- Who now could have believed the devil had any snare at the bottom of all
- this? or that I was in any danger on such an occasion, so remote and out
- of the way as this was? But the event was the oddest that could be
- thought of. As it happened, Amy was not at home when we accepted this
- invitation, and so she was left out of the company; but instead of Amy,
- we took our honest, good-humoured, never-to-be-omitted friend the
- Quaker, one of the best creatures that ever lived, sure; and who,
- besides a thousand good qualities unmixed with one bad one, was
- particularly excellent for being the best company in the world; though
- I think I had carried Amy too, if she had not been engaged in this
- unhappy girl's affair. For on a sudden the girl was lost, and no news
- was to be heard of her; and Amy had haunted her to every place she could
- think of, that it was likely to find her in; but all the news she could
- hear of her was, that she was gone to an old comrade's house of hers,
- which she called sister, and who was married to a master of a ship, who
- lived at Redriff; and even this the jade never told me. It seems, when
- this girl was directed by Amy to get her some breeding, go to the
- boarding-school, and the like, she was recommended to a boarding-school
- at Camberwell, and there she contracted an acquaintance with a young
- lady (so they are all called), her bedfellow, that they called sisters,
- and promised never to break off their acquaintance.
- But judge you what an unaccountable surprise I must be in when I came on
- board the ship and was brought into the captain's cabin, or what they
- call it, the great cabin of the ship, to see his lady or wife, and
- another young person with her, who, when I came to see her near hand,
- was my old cook-maid in the Pall Mall, and, as appeared by the sequel of
- the story, was neither more or less than my own daughter. That I knew
- her was out of doubt; for though she had not had opportunity to see me
- very often, yet I had often seen her, as I must needs, being in my own
- family so long.
- If ever I had need of courage, and a full presence of mind, it was now;
- it was the only valuable secret in the world to me, all depended upon
- this occasion; if the girl knew me, I was undone; and to discover any
- surprise or disorder had been to make her know me, or guess it, and
- discover herself.
- I was once going to feign a swooning and fainting away, and so falling
- on the ground, or floor, put them all into a hurry and fright, and by
- that means to get an opportunity to be continually holding something to
- my nose to smell to, and so hold my hand or my handkerchief, or both,
- before my mouth; then pretend I could not bear the smell of the ship, or
- the closeness of the cabin. But that would have been only to remove into
- a clearer air upon the quarter-deck, where we should, with it, have had
- a clearer light too; and if I had pretended the smell of the ship, it
- would have served only to have carried us all on shore to the captain's
- house, which was hard by; for the ship lay so close to the shore, that
- we only walked over a plank to go on board, and over another ship which
- lay within her; so this not appearing feasible, and the thought not
- being two minutes old, there was no time, for the two ladies rose up,
- and we saluted, so that I was bound to come so near my girl as to kiss
- her, which I would not have done had it been possible to have avoided
- it, but there was no room to escape.
- I cannot but take notice here, that notwithstanding there was a secret
- horror upon my mind, and I was ready to sink when I came close to her to
- salute her, yet it was a secret inconceivable pleasure to me when I
- kissed her, to know that I kissed my own child, my own flesh and blood,
- born of my body, and who I had never kissed since I took the fatal
- farewell of them all, with a million of tears, and a heart almost dead
- with grief, when Amy and the good woman took them all away, and went
- with them to Spitalfields. No pen can describe, no words can express, I
- say, the strange impression which this thing made upon my spirits. I
- felt something shoot through my blood, my heart fluttered, my head
- flashed, and was dizzy, and all within me, as I thought, turned about,
- and much ado I had not to abandon myself to an excess of passion at the
- first sight of her, much more when my lips touched her face. I thought I
- must have taken her in my arms and kissed her again a thousand times,
- whether I would or no.
- But I roused up my judgment, and shook it off, and with infinite
- uneasiness in my mind, I sat down. You will not wonder if upon this
- surprise I was not conversable for some minutes, and that the disorder
- had almost discovered itself. I had a complication of severe things upon
- me, I could not conceal my disorder without the utmost difficulty, and
- yet upon my concealing it depended the whole of my prosperity; so I used
- all manner of violence with myself to prevent the mischief which was at
- the door.
- Well, I saluted her, but as I went first forward to the captain's lady,
- who was at the farther end of the cabin, towards the light, I had the
- occasion offered to stand with my back to the light, when I turned
- about to her, who stood more on my left hand, so that she had not a fair
- sight of me, though I was so near her. I trembled, and knew neither what
- I did or said, I was in the utmost extremity, between so many particular
- circumstances as lay upon me, for I was to conceal my disorder from
- everybody at the utmost peril, and at the same time expected everybody
- would discern it. I was to expect she would discover that she knew me,
- and yet was, by all means possible, to prevent it. I was to conceal
- myself, if possible, and yet had not the least room to do anything
- towards it. In short, there was no retreat, no shifting anything off, no
- avoiding or preventing her having a full sight of me, nor was there any
- counterfeiting my voice, for then my husband would have perceived it. In
- short, there was not the least circumstance that offered me any
- assistance, or any favourable thing to help me in this exigence.
- After I had been upon the rack for near half-an-hour, during which I
- appeared stiff and reserved, and a little too formal, my spouse and the
- captain fell into discourses about the ship and the sea, and business
- remote from us women; and by-and-by the captain carried him out upon the
- quarter-deck, and left us all by ourselves in the great cabin. Then we
- began to be a little freer one with another, and I began to be a little
- revived by a sudden fancy of my own--namely, I thought I perceived that
- the girl did not know me, and the chief reason of my having such a
- notion was because I did not perceive the least disorder in her
- countenance, or the least change in her carriage, no confusion, no
- hesitation in her discourse; nor, which I had my eye particularly upon,
- did I observe that she fixed her eyes much upon me, that is to say, not
- singling me out to look steadily at me, as I thought would have been the
- case, but that she rather singled out my friend the Quaker, and chatted
- with her on several things; but I observed, too, that it was all about
- indifferent matters.
- This greatly encouraged me, and I began to be a little cheerful; but I
- was knocked down again as with a thunderclap, when turning to the
- captain's wife, and discoursing of me, she said to her, "Sister, I
- cannot but think my lady to be very much like such a person." Then she
- named the person, and the captain's wife said she thought so too. The
- girl replied again, she was sure she had seen me before, but she could
- not recollect where; I answered (though her speech was not directed to
- me) that I fancied she had not seen me before in England, but asked if
- she had lived in Holland. She said, No, no, she had never been out of
- England, and I added, that she could not then have known me in England,
- unless it was very lately, for I had lived at Rotterdam a great while.
- This carried me out of that part of the broil pretty well, and to make
- it go off better, when a little Dutch boy came into the cabin, who
- belonged to the captain, and who I easily perceived to be Dutch, I
- jested and talked Dutch to him, and was merry about the boy, that is to
- say, as merry as the consternation I was still in would let me be.
- However, I began to be thoroughly convinced by this time that the girl
- did not know me, which was an infinite satisfaction to me, or, at least,
- that though she had some notion of me, yet that she did not think
- anything about my being who I was, and which, perhaps, she would have
- been as glad to have known as I would have been surprised if she had;
- indeed, it was evident that, had she suspected anything of the truth,
- she would not have been able to have concealed it.
- Thus this meeting went off, and, you may be sure, I was resolved, if
- once I got off of it, she should never see me again to revive her fancy;
- but I was mistaken there too, as you shall hear. After we had been on
- board, the captain's lady carried us home to her house, which was but
- just on shore, and treated us there again very handsomely, and made us
- promise that we would come again and see her before we went to concert
- our affairs for the voyage and the like, for she assured us that both
- she and her sister went the voyage at that time for our company, and I
- thought to myself, "Then you'll never go the voyage at all;" for I saw
- from that moment that it would be no way convenient for my ladyship to
- go with them, for that frequent conversation might bring me to her mind,
- and she would certainly claim her kindred to me in a few days, as indeed
- would have been the case.
- It is hardly possible for me to conceive what would have been our part
- in this affair had my woman Amy gone with me on board this ship; it had
- certainly blown up the whole affair, and I must for ever after have been
- this girl's vassal, that is to say, have let her into the secret, and
- trusted to her keeping it too, or have been exposed and undone. The very
- thought filled me with horror.
- But I was not so unhappy neither, as it fell out, for Amy was not with
- us, and that was my deliverance indeed; yet we had another chance to get
- over still. As I resolved to put off the voyage, so I resolved to put
- off the visit, you may be sure, going upon this principle, namely, that
- I was fixed in it that the girl had seen her last of me, and should
- never see me more.
- However, to bring myself well off, and, withal, to see, if I could, a
- little farther into the matter, I sent my friend the Quaker to the
- captain's lady to make the visit promised, and to make my excuse that I
- could not possibly wait on her, for that I was very much out of order;
- and in the end of the discourse I bade her insinuate to them that she
- was afraid I should not be able to get ready to go the voyage as soon as
- the captain would be obliged to go, and that perhaps we might put it off
- to his next voyage. I did not let the Quaker into any other reason for
- it than that I was indisposed; and not knowing what other face to put
- upon that part, I made her believe that I thought I was a-breeding.
- It was easy to put that into her head, and she of course hinted to the
- captain's lady that she found me so very ill that she was afraid I would
- miscarry, and then, to be sure, I could not think of going.
- She went, and she managed that part very dexterously, as I knew she
- would, though she knew not a word of the grand reason of my
- indisposition; but I was all sunk and dead-hearted again when she told
- me she could not understand the meaning of one thing in her visit,
- namely, that the young woman, as she called her, that was with the
- captain's lady, and who she called sister, was most impertinently
- inquisitive into things; as who I was? how long I had been in England?
- where I had lived? and the like; and that, above all the rest, she
- inquired if I did not live once at the other end of the town.
- "I thought her inquiries so out of the way," says the honest Quaker,
- "that I gave her not the least satisfaction; but as I saw by thy answers
- on board the ship, when she talked of thee, that thou didst not incline
- to let her be acquainted with thee, so I was resolved that she should
- not be much the wiser for me; and when she asked me if thou ever
- lived'st here or there, I always said, No, but that thou wast a Dutch
- lady, and was going home again to thy family, and lived abroad."
- I thanked her very heartily for that part, and indeed she served me in
- it more than I let her know she did: in a word, she thwarted the girl so
- cleverly, that if she had known the whole affair she could not have
- done it better.
- But, I must acknowledge, all this put me upon the rack again, and I was
- quite discouraged, not at all doubting but that the jade had a right
- scent of things, and that she knew and remembered my face, but had
- artfully concealed her knowledge of me till she might perhaps do it more
- to my disadvantage. I told all this to Amy, for she was all the relief I
- had. The poor soul (Amy) was ready to hang herself, that, as she said,
- she had been the occasion of it all; and that if I was ruined (which was
- the word I always used to her), she had ruined me; and she tormented
- herself about it so much, that I was sometimes fain to comfort her and
- myself too.
- What Amy vexed herself at was, chiefly, that she should be surprised so
- by the girl, as she called her; I mean surprised into a discovery of
- herself to the girl; which indeed was a false step of Amy's, and so I
- had often told her. But it was to no purpose to talk of that now, the
- business was, how to get clear of the girl's suspicions, and of the girl
- too, for it looked more threatening every day than other; and if I was
- uneasy at what Amy had told me of her rambling and rattling to her
- (Amy), I had a thousand times as much reason to be uneasy now, when she
- had chopped upon me so unhappily as this; and not only had seen my face,
- but knew too where I lived, what name I went by, and the like.
- And I am not come to the worst of it yet neither, for a few days after
- my friend the Quaker had made her visit, and excused me on the account
- of indisposition, as if they had done it in over and above kindness,
- because they had been told I was not well, they come both directly to my
- lodgings to visit me: the captain's wife and my daughter (who she called
- sister), and the captain, to show them the place; the captain only
- brought them to the door, put them in, and went away upon some business.
- Had not the kind Quaker, in a lucky moment, come running in before them,
- they had not only clapped in upon me, in the parlour, as it had been a
- surprise, but which would have been a thousand times worse, had seen Amy
- with me; I think if that had happened, I had had no remedy but to take
- the girl by herself, and have made myself known to her, which would have
- been all distraction.
- But the Quaker, a lucky creature to me, happened to see them come to the
- door, before they rung the bell, and instead of going to let them in,
- came running in with some confusion in her countenance, and told me who
- was a-coming; at which Amy run first and I after her, and bid the Quaker
- come up as soon as she had let them in.
- I was going to bid her deny me, but it came into my thoughts, that
- having been represented so much out of order, it would have looked very
- odd; besides, I knew the honest Quaker, though she would do anything
- else for me, would not lie for me, and it would have been hard to have
- desired it of her.
- After she had let them in, and brought them into the parlour, she came
- up to Amy and I, who were hardly out of the fright, and yet were
- congratulating one another that Amy was not surprised again.
- They paid their visit in form, and I received them as formally, but took
- occasion two or three times to hint that I was so ill that I was afraid
- I should not be able to go to Holland, at least not so soon as the
- captain must go off; and made my compliment how sorry I was to be
- disappointed of the advantage of their company and assistance in the
- voyage; and sometimes I talked as if I thought I might stay till the
- captain returned, and would be ready to go again; then the Quaker put
- in, that then I might be too far gone, meaning with child, that I should
- not venture at all; and then (as if she should be pleased with it)
- added, she hoped I would stay and lie in at her house; so as this
- carried its own face with it, 'twas well enough.
- But it was now high time to talk of this to my husband, which, however,
- was not the greatest difficulty before me; for after this and other chat
- had taken up some time, the young fool began her tattle again; and two
- or three times she brought it in, that I was so like a lady that she had
- the honour to know at the other end of the town, that she could not put
- that lady out of her mind when I was by, and once or twice I fancied the
- girl was ready to cry; by and by she was at it again, and at last I
- plainly saw tears in her eyes; upon which I asked her if the lady was
- dead, because she seemed to be in some concern for her. She made me much
- easier by her answer than ever she did before; she said she did not
- really know, but she believed she was dead.
- This, I say, a little relieved my thoughts, but I was soon down again;
- for, after some time, the jade began to grow talkative; and as it was
- plain that she had told all that her head could retain of Roxana, and
- the days of joy which I had spent at that part of the town, another
- accident had like to have blown us all up again.
- I was in a kind of dishabille when they came, having on a loose robe,
- like a morning-gown, but much after the Italian way; and I had not
- altered it when I went up, only dressed my head a little; and as I had
- been represented as having been lately very ill, so the dress was
- becoming enough for a chamber.
- This morning vest, or robe, call it as you please, was more shaped to
- the body than we wear them since, showing the body in its true shape,
- and perhaps a little too plainly if it had been to be worn where any men
- were to come; but among ourselves it was well enough, especially for hot
- weather; the colour was green, figured, and the stuff a French damask,
- very rich.
- This gown or vest put the girl's tongue a running again, and her sister,
- as she called her, prompted it; for as they both admired my vest, and
- were taken up much about the beauty of the dress, the charming damask,
- the noble trimming, and the like, my girl puts in a word to the sister
- (captain's wife), "This is just such a thing as I told you," says she,
- "the lady danced in." "What," says the captain's wife, "the Lady Roxana
- that you told me of? Oh! that's a charming story," says she, "tell it my
- lady." I could not avoid saying so too, though from my soul I wished her
- in heaven for but naming it; nay, I won't say but if she had been
- carried t'other way it had been much as one to me, if I could but have
- been rid of her, and her story too, for when she came to describe the
- Turkish dress, it was impossible but the Quaker, who was a sharp,
- penetrating creature, should receive the impression in a more dangerous
- manner than the girl, only that indeed she was not so dangerous a
- person; for if she had known it all, I could more freely have trusted
- her than I could the girl, by a great deal, nay, I should have been
- perfectly easy in her.
- However, as I have said, her talk made me dreadfully uneasy, and the
- more when the captain's wife mentioned but the name of Roxana. What my
- face might do towards betraying me I knew not, because I could not see
- myself, but my heart beat as if it would have jumped out at my mouth,
- and my passion was so great, that, for want of vent, I thought I should
- have burst. In a word, I was in a kind of a silent rage, for the force I
- was under of restraining my passion was such as I never felt the like
- of. I had no vent, nobody to open myself to, or to make a complaint to,
- for my relief; I durst not leave the room by any means, for then she
- would have told all the story in my absence, and I should have been
- perpetually uneasy to know what she had said, or had not said; so that,
- in a word, I was obliged to sit and hear her tell all the story of
- Roxana, that is to say, of myself, and not know at the same time whether
- she was in earnest or in jest, whether she knew me or no; or, in short,
- whether I was to be exposed, or not exposed.
- She began only in general with telling where she lived, what a place she
- had of it, how gallant a company her lady had always had in the house;
- how they used to sit up all night in the house gaming and dancing; what
- a fine lady her mistress was, and what a vast deal of money the upper
- servants got; as for her, she said, her whole business was in the next
- house, so that she got but little, except one night that there was
- twenty guineas given to be divided among the servants, when, she said,
- she got two guineas and a half for her share.
- She went on, and told them how many servants there was, and how they
- were ordered; but, she said, there was one Mrs. Amy who was over them
- all; and that she, being the lady's favourite, got a great deal. She did
- not know, she said, whether Amy was her Christian name or her surname,
- but she supposed it was her surname; that they were told she got
- threescore pieces of gold at one time, being the same night that the
- rest of the servants had the twenty guineas divided among them.
- I put in at that word, and said it was a vast deal to give away. "Why,"
- says I, "it was a portion for a servant." "O madam!" says she, "it was
- nothing to what she got afterwards; we that were servants hated her
- heartily for it; that is to say, we wished it had been our lot in her
- stead." Then I said again, "Why, it was enough to get her a good
- husband, and settle her for the world, if she had sense to manage it."
- "So it might, to be sure, madam," says she, "for we were told she laid
- up above £500; but, I suppose, Mrs. Amy was too sensible that her
- character would require a good portion to put her off."
- "Oh," said I, "if that was the case it was another thing."
- "Nay," says she, "I don't know, but they talked very much of a young
- lord that was very great with her."
- "And pray what came of her at last?" said I, for I was willing to hear a
- little (seeing she would talk of it) what she had to say, as well of Amy
- as of myself.
- "I don't know, madam," said she, "I never heard of her for several
- years, till t'other day I happened to see her."
- "Did you indeed?" says I (and made mighty strange of it); "what! and in
- rags, it may be," said I; "that's often the end of such creatures."
- "Just the contrary, madam," says she. "She came to visit an acquaintance
- of mine, little thinking, I suppose, to see me, and, I assure you, she
- came in her coach."
- "In her coach!" said I; "upon my word, she had made her market then; I
- suppose she made hay while the sun shone. Was she married, pray?"
- "I believe she had been married, madam," says she, "but it seems she had
- been at the East Indies; and if she was married, it was there, to be
- sure. I think she said she had good luck in the Indies."
- "That is, I suppose," said I, "had buried her husband there."
- "I understood it so, madam," says she, "and that she had got his
- estate."
- "Was that her good luck?" said I; "it might be good to her, as to the
- money indeed, but it was but the part of a jade to call it good luck."
- Thus far our discourse of Mrs. Amy went, and no farther, for she knew no
- more of her; but then the Quaker unhappily, though undesignedly, put in
- a question, which the honest good-humoured creature would have been far
- from doing if she had known that I had carried on the discourse of Amy
- on purpose to drop Roxana out of the conversation.
- But I was not to be made easy too soon. The Quaker put in, "But I think
- thou saidst something was behind of thy mistress; what didst thou call
- her? Roxana, was it not? Pray, what became of her?"
- "Ay, ay, Roxana," says the captain's wife; "pray, sister, let's hear the
- story of Roxana; it will divert my lady, I'm sure."
- "That's a damned lie," said I to myself; "if you knew how little 't
- would divert me, you would have too much advantage over me." Well, I saw
- no remedy, but the story must come on, so I prepared to hear the worst
- of it.
- "Roxana!" says she, "I know not what to say of her; she was so much
- above us, and so seldom seen, that we could know little of her but by
- report; but we did sometimes see her too; she was a charming woman
- indeed, and the footmen used to say that she was to be sent for to
- court."
- "To court!" said I; "why, she was at court, wasn't she? the Pall Mall is
- not far from Whitehall."
- "Yes, madam," says she, "but I mean another way."
- "I understand thee," says the Quaker; "thou meanest, I suppose, to be
- mistress to the king."
- "Yes, madam," said she.
- I cannot help confessing what a reserve of pride still was left in me;
- and though I dreaded the sequel of the story, yet when she talked how
- handsome and how fine a lady this Roxana was, I could not help being
- pleased and tickled with it, and put in questions two or three times of
- how handsome she was; and was she really so fine a woman as they talked
- of; and the like, on purpose to hear her repeat what the people's
- opinion of me was, and how I had behaved.
- "Indeed," says she, at last, "she was a most beautiful creature as ever
- I saw in my life." "But then," said I, "you never had the opportunity to
- see her but when she was set out to the best advantage."
- "Yes, yes, madam," says she, "I have seen her several times in her
- _déshabille_. And I can assure you, she was a very fine woman; and that
- which was more still, everybody said she did not paint."
- This was still agreeable to me one way; but there was a devilish sting
- in the tail of it all, and this last article was one; wherein she said
- she had seen me several times in my _déshabille_. This put me in mind
- that then she must certainly know me, and it would come out at last;
- which was death to me but to think of.
- "Well, but, sister," says the captain's wife, "tell my lady about the
- ball; that's the best of all the story; and of Roxana's dancing in a
- fine outlandish dress."
- "That's one of the brightest parts of her story indeed," says the girl.
- "The case was this: we had balls and meetings in her ladyship's
- apartments every week almost; but one time my lady invited all the
- nobles to come such a time, and she would give them a ball; and there
- was a vast crowd indeed," says she.
- "I think you said the king was there, sister, didn't you?"
- "No, madam," says she, "that was the second time, when they said the
- king had heard how finely the Turkish lady danced, and that he was
- there to see her; but the king, if his Majesty was there, came
- disguised."
- "That is, what they call incog.," says my friend the Quaker; "thou canst
- not think the king would disguise himself." "Yes," says the girl, "it
- was so; he did not come in public with his guards, but we all knew which
- was the king well enough, that is to say, which they said was the king."
- "Well," says the captain's wife, "about the Turkish dress; pray let us
- hear that." "Why," says she, "my lady sat in a fine little drawing-room,
- which opened into the great room, and where she received the compliments
- of the company; and when the dancing began, a great lord," says she, "I
- forget who they called him (but he was a very great lord or duke, I
- don't know which), took her out, and danced with her; but after a while,
- my lady on a sudden shut the drawing-room, and ran upstairs with her
- woman, Mrs. Amy; and though she did not stay long (for I suppose she had
- contrived it all beforehand), she came down dressed in the strangest
- figure that ever I saw in my life; but it was exceeding fine."
- Here she went on to describe the dress, as I have done already; but did
- it so exactly, that I was surprised at the manner of her telling it;
- there was not a circumstance of it left out.
- I was now under a new perplexity, for this young slut gave so complete
- an account of everything in the dress, that my friend the Quaker
- coloured at it, and looked two or three times at me, to see if I did not
- do so too; for (as she told me afterwards) she immediately perceived it
- was the same dress that she had seen me have on, as I have said before.
- However, as she saw I took no notice of it, she kept her thought private
- to herself; and I did so too, as well as I could.
- I put in two or three times, that she had a good memory, that could be
- so particular in every part of such a thing.
- "Oh, madam!" says she, "we that were servants, stood by ourselves in a
- corner, but so as we could see more than some strangers; besides," says
- she, "it was all our conversation for several days in the family, and
- what one did not observe another did." "Why," says I to her, "this was
- no Persian dress; only, I suppose your lady was some French comedian,
- that is to say, a stage Amazon, that put on a counterfeit dress to
- please the company, such as they used in the play of Tamerlane at Paris,
- or some such."
- "No, indeed, madam," says she, "I assure you my lady was no actress; she
- was a fine modest lady, fit to be a princess; everybody said if she was
- a mistress, she was fit to be a mistress to none but the king; and they
- talked her up for the king as if it had really been so. Besides, madam,"
- says she, "my lady danced a Turkish dance; all the lords and gentry said
- it was so; and one of them swore he had seen it danced in Turkey
- himself, so that it could not come from the theatre at Paris; and then
- the name Roxana," says she, "was a Turkish name."
- "Well," said I, "but that was not your lady's name, I suppose?"
- "No, no, madam," said she, "I know that. I know my lady's name and
- family very well; Roxana was not her name, that's true, indeed."
- Here she run me aground again, for I durst not ask her what was Roxana's
- real name, lest she had really dealt with the devil, and had boldly
- given my own name in for answer; so that I was still more and more
- afraid that the girl had really gotten the secret somewhere or other;
- though I could not imagine neither how that could be.
- In a word, I was sick of the discourse, and endeavoured many ways to put
- an end to it, but it was impossible; for the captain's wife, who called
- her sister, prompted her, and pressed her to tell it, most ignorantly
- thinking that it would be a pleasant tale to all of us.
- Two or three times the Quaker put in, that this Lady Roxana had a good
- stock of assurance; and that it was likely, if she had been in Turkey,
- she had lived with, or been kept by, some great bashaw there. But still
- she would break in upon all such discourse, and fly out into the most
- extravagant praises of her mistress, the famed Roxana. I run her down as
- some scandalous woman; that it was not possible to be otherwise; but she
- would not hear of it; her lady was a person of such and such
- qualifications that nothing but an angel was like her, to be sure; and
- yet, after all she could say, her own account brought her down to this,
- that, in short, her lady kept little less than a gaming ordinary; or, as
- it would be called in the times since that, an assembly for gallantry
- and play.
- All this while I was very uneasy, as I said before, and yet the whole
- story went off again without any discovery, only that I seemed a little
- concerned that she should liken me to this gay lady, whose character I
- pretended to run down very much, even upon the foot of her own relation.
- But I was not at the end of my mortifications yet, neither, for now my
- innocent Quaker threw out an unhappy expression, which put me upon the
- tenters again. Says she to me, "This lady's habit, I fancy, is just such
- a one as thine, by the description of it;" and then turning to the
- captain's wife, says she, "I fancy my friend has a finer Turkish or
- Persian dress, a great deal." "Oh," says the girl, "'tis impossible to
- be finer; my lady's," says she, "was all covered with gold and diamonds;
- her hair and head-dress, I forget the name they gave it," said she,
- "shone like the stars, there were so many jewels in it."
- I never wished my good friend the Quaker out of my company before now;
- but, indeed, I would have given some guineas to have been rid of her
- just now; for beginning to be curious in the comparing the two dresses,
- she innocently began a description of mine; and nothing terrified me so
- much as the apprehension lest she should importune me to show it, which
- I was resolved I would never agree to. But before it came to this, she
- pressed my girl to describe the tyhaia, or head-dress, which she did so
- cleverly that the Quaker could not help saying mine was just such a one;
- and after several other similitudes, all very vexatious to me, out comes
- the kind motion to me to let the ladies see my dress; and they joined
- their eager desires of it, even to importunity.
- I desired to be excused, though I had little to say at first why I
- declined it; but at last it came into my head to say it was packed up
- with my other clothes that I had least occasion for, in order to be sent
- on board the captain's ship; but that if we lived to come to Holland
- together (which, by the way, I resolved should never happen), then, I
- told them, at unpacking my clothes, they should see me dressed in it;
- but they must not expect I should dance in it, like the Lady Roxana in
- all her fine things.
- This carried it off pretty well; and getting over this, got over most of
- the rest, and I began to be easy again; and, in a word, that I may
- dismiss the story too, as soon as may be, I got rid at last of my
- visitors, who I had wished gone two hours sooner than they intended it.
- As soon as they were gone, I ran up to Amy, and gave vent to my passions
- by telling her the whole story, and letting her see what mischiefs one
- false step of hers had like, unluckily, to have involved us all in;
- more, perhaps, than we could ever have lived to get through. Amy was
- sensible of it enough, and was just giving her wrath a vent another way,
- viz., by calling the poor girl all the damned jades and fools (and
- sometimes worse names) that she could think of, in the middle of which
- up comes my honest, good Quaker, and put an end to our discourse. The
- Quaker came in smiling (for she was always soberly cheerful). "Well,"
- says she, "thou art delivered at last; I come to joy thee of it; I
- perceived thou wert tired grievously of thy visitors."
- "Indeed," says I, "so I was; that foolish young girl held us all in a
- Canterbury story; I thought she would never have done with it." "Why,
- truly, I thought she was very careful to let thee know she was but a
- cook-maid." "Ay," says I, "and at a gaming-house, or gaming-ordinary,
- and at t'other end of the town too; all which (by the way) she might
- know would add very little to her good name among us citizens."
- "I can't think," says the Quaker, "but she had some other drift in that
- long discourse; there's something else in her head," says she, "I am
- satisfied of that." Thought I, "Are you satisfied of it? I am sure I am
- the less satisfied for that; at least 'tis but small satisfaction to me
- to hear you say so. What can this be?" says I; "and when will my
- uneasiness have an end?" But this was silent, and to myself, you may be
- sure. But in answer to my friend the Quaker, I returned by asking her a
- question or two about it; as what she thought was in it, and why she
- thought there was anything in it. "For," says I, "she can have nothing
- in it relating to me."
- "Nay," says the kind Quaker, "if she had any view towards thee, that's
- no business of mine; and I should be far from desiring thee to inform
- me."
- This alarmed me again; not that I feared trusting the good-humoured
- creature with it, if there had been anything of just suspicion in her;
- but this affair was a secret I cared not to communicate to anybody.
- However, I say, this alarmed me a little; for as I had concealed
- everything from her, I was willing to do so still; but as she could not
- but gather up abundance of things from the girl's discourse, which
- looked towards me, so she was too penetrating to be put off with such
- answers as might stop another's mouth. Only there was this double
- felicity in it, first, that she was not inquisitive to know or find
- anything out, and not dangerous if she had known the whole story. But,
- as I say, she could not but gather up several circumstances from the
- girl's discourse, as particularly the name of Amy, and the several
- descriptions of the Turkish dress which my friend the Quaker had seen,
- and taken so much notice of, as I have said above.
- As for that, I might have turned it off by jesting with Amy, and asking
- her who she lived with before she came to live with me. But that would
- not do, for we had unhappily anticipated that way of talking, by having
- often talked how long Amy had lived with me; and, which was still worse,
- by having owned formerly that I had had lodgings in the Pall Mall; so
- that all those things corresponded too well. There was only one thing
- that helped me out with the Quaker, and that was the girl's having
- reported how rich Mrs. Amy was grown, and that she kept her coach. Now,
- as there might be many more Mrs. Amys besides mine, so it was not likely
- to be my Amy, because she was far from such a figure as keeping her
- coach; and this carried it off from the suspicions which the good
- friendly Quaker might have in her head.
- But as to what she imagined the girl had in her head, there lay more
- real difficulty in that part a great deal, and I was alarmed at it very
- much, for my friend the Quaker told me that she observed the girl was in
- a great passion when she talked of the habit, and more when I had been
- importuned to show her mine, but declined it. She said she several times
- perceived her to be in disorder, and to restrain herself with great
- difficulty; and once or twice she muttered to herself that she had found
- it out, or that she would find it out, she could not tell whether; and
- that she often saw tears in her eyes; that when I said my suit of
- Turkish clothes was put up, but that she should see it when we arrived
- in Holland, she heard her say softly she would go over on purpose then.
- After she had ended her observations, I added: "I observed, too, that
- the girl talked and looked oddly, and that she was mighty inquisitive,
- but I could not imagine what it was she aimed at." "Aimed at," says the
- Quaker, "'tis plain to me what she aims at. She believes thou art the
- same Lady Roxana that danced in the Turkish vest, but she is not
- certain." "Does she believe so?" says I; "if I had thought that, I would
- have put her out of her pain." "Believe so!" says the Quaker; "yes, and
- I began to think so too, and should have believed so still, if thou
- had'st not satisfied me to the contrary by thy taking no notice of it,
- and by what thou hast said since." "Should you have believed so?" said I
- warmly; "I am very sorry for that. Why, would you have taken me for an
- actress, or a French stage-player?" "No," says the good kind creature,
- "thou carriest it too far; as soon as thou madest thy reflections upon
- her, I knew it could not be; but who could think any other when she
- described the Turkish dress which thou hast here, with the head-tire and
- jewels, and when she named thy maid Amy too, and several other
- circumstances concurring? I should certainly have believed it," said
- she, "if thou hadst not contradicted it; but as soon as I heard thee
- speak, I concluded it was otherwise." "That was very kind," said I, "and
- I am obliged to you for doing me so much justice; it is more, it seems,
- than that young talking creature does." "Nay," says the Quaker, "indeed
- she does not do thee justice; for she as certainly believes it still as
- ever she did." "Does she?" said I. "Ay," says the Quaker; "and I warrant
- thee she'll make thee another visit about it." "Will she?" said I;
- "then I believe I shall downright affront her." "No, thou shalt not
- affront her," says she (full of her good-humour and temper), "I'll take
- that part off thy hands, for I'll affront her for thee, and not let her
- see thee." I thought that was a very kind offer, but was at a loss how
- she would be able to do it; and the thought of seeing her there again
- half distracted me, not knowing what temper she would come in, much less
- what manner to receive her in; but my fast friend and constant
- comforter, the Quaker, said she perceived the girl was impertinent, and
- that I had no inclination to converse with her, and she was resolved I
- should not be troubled with her. But I shall have occasion to say more
- of this presently, for this girl went farther yet than I thought she
- had.
- It was now time, as I said before, to take measures with my husband, in
- order to put off my voyage; so I fell into talk with him one morning as
- he was dressing, and while I was in bed. I pretended I was very ill; and
- as I had but too easy a way to impose upon him, because he so absolutely
- believed everything I said, so I managed my discourse as that he should
- understand by it I was a-breeding, though I did not tell him so.
- However, I brought it about so handsomely that, before he went out of
- the room, he came and sat down by my bedside, and began to talk very
- seriously to me upon the subject of my being so every day ill, and
- that, as he hoped I was with child, he would have me consider well of
- it, whether I had not best alter my thoughts of the voyage to Holland;
- for that being sea-sick, and which was worse, if a storm should happen,
- might be very dangerous to me. And after saying abundance of the kindest
- things that the kindest of husbands in the world could say, he concluded
- that it was his request to me, that I would not think any more of going
- till after all should be over; but that I would, on the contrary,
- prepare to lie-in where I was, and where I knew, as well as he, I could
- be very well provided, and very well assisted.
- This was just what I wanted, for I had, as you have heard, a thousand
- good reasons why I should put off the voyage, especially with that
- creature in company; but I had a mind the putting it off should be at
- his motion, not my own; and he came into it of himself, just as I would
- have had it. This gave me an opportunity to hang back a little, and to
- seem as if I was unwilling. I told him I could not abide to put him to
- difficulties and perplexities in his business; that now he had hired the
- great cabin in the ship, and, perhaps, paid some of the money, and, it
- may be, taken freight for goods; and to make him break it all off again
- would be a needless charge to him, or, perhaps, a damage to the captain.
- As to that, he said, it was not to be named, and he would not allow it
- to be any consideration at all; that he could easily pacify the captain
- of the ship by telling him the reason of it, and that if he did make
- him some satisfaction for the disappointment, it should not be much.
- "But, my dear," says I, "you ha'n't heard me say I am with child,
- neither can I say so; and if it should not be so at last, then I shall
- have made a fine piece of work of it indeed; besides," says I, "the two
- ladies, the captain's wife and her sister, they depend upon our going
- over, and have made great preparations, and all in compliment to me;
- what must I say to them?"
- "Well, my dear," says he, "if you should not be with child, though I
- hope you are, yet there is no harm done; the staying three or four
- months longer in England will be no damage to me, and we can go when we
- please, when we are sure you are not with child, or, when it appearing
- that you are with child, you shall be down and up again; and as for the
- captain's wife and sister, leave that part to me; I'll answer for it
- there shall be no quarrel raised upon that subject. I'll make your
- excuse to them by the captain himself, so all will be well enough there,
- I'll warrant you."
- This was as much as I could desire, and thus it rested for awhile. I had
- indeed some anxious thoughts about this impertinent girl, but believed
- that putting off the voyage would have put an end to it all, so I began
- to be pretty easy; but I found myself mistaken, for I was brought to the
- point of destruction by her again, and that in the most unaccountable
- manner imaginable.
- My husband, as he and I had agreed, meeting the captain of the ship,
- took the freedom to tell him that he was afraid he must disappoint him,
- for that something had fallen out which had obliged him to alter his
- measures, and that his family could not be ready to go time enough for
- him.
- "I know the occasion, sir," says the captain; "I hear your lady has got
- a daughter more than she expected; I give you joy of it." "What do you
- mean by that?" says my spouse. "Nay, nothing," says the captain, "but
- what I hear the women tattle over the tea-table. I know nothing, but
- that you don't go the voyage upon it, which I am sorry for; but you know
- your own affairs," added the captain, "that's no business of mine."
- "Well, but," says my husband, "I must make you some satisfaction for the
- disappointment," and so pulls out his money. "No, no," says the captain;
- and so they fell to straining their compliments one upon another; but,
- in short, my spouse gave him three or four guineas, and made him take
- it. And so the first discourse went off again, and they had no more of
- it.
- But it did not go off so easily with me, for now, in a word, the clouds
- began to thicken about me, and I had alarms on every side. My husband
- told me what the captain had said, but very happily took it that the
- captain had brought a tale by halves, and having heard it one way, had
- told it another; and that neither could he understand the captain,
- neither did the captain understand himself, so he contented himself to
- tell me, he said, word for word, as the captain delivered it.
- How I kept my husband from discovering my disorder you shall hear
- presently; but let it suffice to say just now, that if my husband did
- not understand the captain, nor the captain understand himself, yet I
- understood them both very well; and, to tell the truth, it was a worse
- shock than ever I had yet. Invention supplied me, indeed, with a sudden
- motion to avoid showing my surprise; for as my spouse and I was sitting
- by a little table near the fire, I reached out my hand, as if I had
- intended to take a spoon which lay on the other side, and threw one of
- the candles off of the table; and then snatching it up, started up upon
- my feet, and stooped to the lap of my gown and took it in my hand. "Oh!"
- says I, "my gown's spoiled; the candle has greased it prodigiously."
- This furnished me with an excuse to my spouse to break off the discourse
- for the present, and call Amy down; and Amy not coming presently, I said
- to him, "My dear, I must run upstairs and put it off, and let Amy clean
- it a little." So my husband rose up too, and went into a closet where he
- kept his papers and books, and fetched a book out, and sat down by
- himself to read.
- Glad I was that I had got away, and up I run to Amy, who, as it
- happened, was alone. "Oh, Amy!" says I, "we are all utterly undone." And
- with that I burst out a-crying, and could not speak a word for a great
- while.
- I cannot help saying that some very good reflections offered themselves
- upon this head. It presently occurred, what a glorious testimony it is
- to the justice of Providence, and to the concern Providence has in
- guiding all the affairs of men (even the least as well as the greatest),
- that the most secret crimes are, by the most unforeseen accidents,
- brought to light and discovered.
- Another reflection was, how just it is that sin and shame follow one
- another so constantly at the heels; that they are not like attendants
- only, but, like cause and consequence, necessarily connected one with
- another; that the crime going before, the scandal is certain to follow;
- and that 'tis not in the power of human nature to conceal the first, or
- avoid the last.
- "What shall I do, Amy?" said I, as soon as I could speak, "and what will
- become of me?" And then I cried again so vehemently that I could say no
- more a great while. Amy was frighted almost out of her wits, but knew
- nothing what the matter was; but she begged to know, and persuaded me to
- compose myself, and not cry so. "Why, madam, if my master should come up
- now," says she, "he will see what a disorder you are in; he will know
- you have been crying, and then he will want to know the cause of it."
- With that I broke out again. "Oh, he knows it already, Amy," says I, "he
- knows all! 'Tis all discovered, and we are undone!" Amy was
- thunderstruck now indeed. "Nay," says Amy, "if that be true, we are
- undone indeed; but that can never be; that's impossible, I'm sure."
- "No, no," says I, "'tis far from impossible, for I tell you 'tis so."
- And by this time, being a little recovered, I told her what discourse my
- husband and the captain had had together, and what the captain had said.
- This put Amy into such a hurry that she cried, she raved, she swore and
- cursed like a mad thing; then she upbraided me that I would not let her
- kill the girl when she would have done it, and that it was all my own
- doing, and the like. Well, however, I was not for killing the girl yet.
- I could not bear the thoughts of that neither.
- We spent half-an-hour in these extravagances, and brought nothing out of
- them neither; for indeed we could do nothing or say nothing that was to
- the purpose; for if anything was to come out-of-the-way, there was no
- hindering it, or help for it; so after thus giving a vent to myself by
- crying, I began to reflect how I had left my spouse below, and what I
- had pretended to come up for; so I changed my gown that I pretended the
- candle fell upon, and put on another, and went down.
- When I had been down a good while, and found my spouse did not fall into
- the story again, as I expected, I took heart, and called for it. "My
- dear," said I, "the fall of the candle put you out of your history,
- won't you go on with it?" "What history?" says he. "Why," says I, "about
- the captain." "Oh," says he, "I had done with it. I know no more than
- that the captain told a broken piece of news that he had heard by
- halves, and told more by halves than he heard it,--namely, of your being
- with child, and that you could not go the voyage."
- I perceived my husband entered not into the thing at all, but took it
- for a story, which, being told two or three times over, was puzzled, and
- come to nothing, and that all that was meant by it was what he knew, or
- thought he knew already--viz., that I was with child, which he wished
- might be true.
- His ignorance was a cordial to my soul, and I cursed them in my thoughts
- that should ever undeceive him; and as I saw him willing to have the
- story end there, as not worth being farther mentioned, I closed it too,
- and said I supposed the captain had it from his wife; she might have
- found somebody else to make her remarks upon; and so it passed off with
- my husband well enough, and I was still safe there, where I thought
- myself in most danger. But I had two uneasinesses still; the first was
- lest the captain and my spouse should meet again, and enter into farther
- discourse about it; and the second was lest the busy impertinent girl
- should come again, and when she came, how to prevent her seeing Amy,
- which was an article as material as any of the rest; for seeing Amy
- would have been as fatal to me as her knowing all the rest.
- As to the first of these, I knew the captain could not stay in town
- above a week, but that his ship being already full of goods, and fallen
- down the river, he must soon follow, so I contrived to carry my husband
- somewhere out of town for a few days, that they might be sure not to
- meet.
- My greatest concern was where we should go. At last I fixed upon North
- Hall; not, I said, that I would drink the waters, but that I thought the
- air was good, and might be for my advantage. He, who did everything upon
- the foundation of obliging me, readily came into it, and the coach was
- appointed to be ready the next morning; but as we were settling matters,
- he put in an ugly word that thwarted all my design, and that was, that
- he had rather I would stay till afternoon, for that he should speak to
- the captain the next morning if he could, to give him some letters,
- which he could do, and be back again about twelve o'clock.
- I said, "Ay, by all means." But it was but a cheat on him, and my voice
- and my heart differed; for I resolved, if possible, he should not come
- near the captain, nor see him, whatever came of it.
- In the evening, therefore, a little before we went to bed, I pretended
- to have altered my mind, and that I would not go to North Hall, but I
- had a mind to go another way, but I told him I was afraid his business
- would not permit him. He wanted to know where it was. I told him,
- smiling, I would not tell him, lest it should oblige him to hinder his
- business. He answered with the same temper, but with infinitely more
- sincerity, that he had no business of so much consequence as to hinder
- him going with me anywhere that I had a mind to go. "Yes," says I, "you
- want to speak with the captain before he goes away." "Why, that's true,"
- says he, "so I do," and paused awhile; and then added, "but I'll write a
- note to a man that does business for me to go to him; 'tis only to get
- some bills of loading signed, and he can do it." When I saw I had gained
- my point, I seemed to hang back a little. "My dear," says I, "don't
- hinder an hour's business for me; I can put it off for a week or two
- rather than you shall do yourself any prejudice." "No, no," says he,
- "you shall not put it off an hour for me, for I can do my business by
- proxy with anybody but my wife." And then he took me in his arms and
- kissed me. How did my blood flush up into my face when I reflected how
- sincerely, how affectionately, this good-humoured gentleman embraced the
- most cursed piece of hypocrisy that ever came into the arms of an honest
- man! His was all tenderness, all kindness, and the utmost sincerity;
- mine all grimace and deceit;--a piece of mere manage and framed conduct
- to conceal a past life of wickedness, and prevent his discovering that
- he had in his arms a she-devil, whose whole conversation for twenty-five
- years had been black as hell, a complication of crime, and for which,
- had he been let into it, he must have abhorred me and the very mention
- of my name. But there was no help for me in it; all I had to satisfy
- myself was that it was my business to be what I was, and conceal what I
- had been; that all the satisfaction I could make him was to live
- virtuously for the time to come, not being able to retrieve what had
- been in time past; and this I resolved upon, though, had the great
- temptation offered, as it did afterwards, I had reason to question my
- stability. But of that hereafter.
- After my husband had kindly thus given up his measures to mine, we
- resolved to set out in the morning early. I told him that my project, if
- he liked it, was to go to Tunbridge, and he, being entirely passive in
- the thing, agreed to it with the greatest willingness; but said if I had
- not named Tunbridge, he would have named Newmarket, there being a great
- court there, and abundance of fine things to be seen. I offered him
- another piece of hypocrisy here, for I pretended to be willing to go
- thither, as the place of his choice, but indeed I would not have gone
- for a thousand pounds; for the court being there at that time, I durst
- not run the hazard of being known at a place where there were so many
- eyes that had seen me before. So that, after some time, I told my
- husband that I thought Newmarket was so full of people at that time,
- that we should get no accommodation; that seeing the court and the crowd
- was no entertainment at all to me, unless as it might be so to him, that
- if he thought fit, we would rather put it off to another time; and that
- if, when we went to Holland, we should go by Harwich, we might take a
- round by Newmarket and Bury, and so come down to Ipswich, and go from
- thence to the seaside. He was easily put off from this, as he was from
- anything else that I did not approve; and so, with all imaginable
- facility, he appointed to be ready early in the morning to go with me
- for Tunbridge.
- I had a double design in this, viz., first, to get away my spouse from
- seeing the captain any more; and secondly, to be out of the way myself,
- in case this impertinent girl, who was now my plague, should offer to
- come again, as my friend the Quaker believed she would, and as indeed
- happened within two or three days afterwards.
- Having thus secured my going away the next day, I had nothing to do but
- to furnish my faithful agent the Quaker with some instructions what to
- say to this tormentor (for such she proved afterwards), and how to
- manage her, if she made any more visits than ordinary.
- I had a great mind to leave Amy behind too, as an assistant, because she
- understood so perfectly well what to advise upon any emergence; and Amy
- importuned me to do so. But I know not what secret impulse prevailed
- over my thoughts against it; I could not do it for fear the wicked jade
- should make her away, which my very soul abhorred the thoughts of;
- which, however, Amy found means to bring to pass afterwards, as I may in
- time relate more particularly.
- It is true I wanted as much to be delivered from her as ever a sick man
- did from a third-day ague; and had she dropped into the grave by any
- fair way, as I may call it, I mean, had she died by any ordinary
- distemper, I should have shed but very few tears for her. But I was not
- arrived to such a pitch of obstinate wickedness as to commit murder,
- especially such as to murder my own child, or so much as to harbour a
- thought so barbarous in my mind. But, as I said, Amy effected all
- afterwards without my knowledge, for which I gave her my hearty curse,
- though I could do little more; for to have fallen upon Amy had been to
- have murdered myself. But this tragedy requires a longer story than I
- have room for here. I return to my journey.
- My dear friend the Quaker was kind, and yet honest, and would do
- anything that was just and upright to serve me, but nothing wicked or
- dishonourable. That she might be able to say boldly to the creature, if
- she came, she did not know where I was gone, she desired I would not let
- her know; and to make her ignorance the more absolutely safe to herself,
- and likewise to me, I allowed her to say that she heard us talk of going
- to Newmarket, &c. She liked that part, and I left all the rest to her,
- to act as she thought fit; only charged her, that if the girl entered
- into the story of the Pall Mall, she should not entertain much talk
- about it, but let her understand that we all thought she spoke of it a
- little too particularly; and that the lady (meaning me) took it a
- little ill to be so likened to a public mistress, or a stage-player, and
- the like; and so to bring her, if possible, to say no more of it.
- However, though I did not tell my friend the Quaker how to write to me,
- or where I was, yet I left a sealed paper with her maid to give her, in
- which I gave her a direction how to write to Amy, and so, in effect, to
- myself.
- It was but a few days after I was gone, but the impatient girl came to
- my lodgings on pretence to see how I did, and to hear if I intended to
- go the voyage, and the like. My trusty agent was at home, and received
- her coldly at the door; but told her that the lady, which she supposed
- she meant, was gone from her house.
- This was a full stop to all she could say for a good while; but as she
- stood musing some time at the door, considering what to begin a talk
- upon, she perceived my friend the Quaker looked a little uneasy, as if
- she wanted to go in and shut the door, which stung her to the quick; and
- the wary Quaker had not so much as asked her to come in; for seeing her
- alone she expected she would be very impertinent, and concluded that I
- did not care how coldly she received her.
- But she was not to be put off so. She said if the Lady ---- was not to
- be spoken with, she desired to speak two or three words with her,
- meaning my friend the Quaker. Upon that the Quaker civilly but coldly
- asked her to walk in, which was what she wanted. Note.--She did not
- carry her into her best parlour, as formerly, but into a little outer
- room, where the servants usually waited.
- By the first of her discourse she did not stick to insinuate as if she
- believed I was in the house, but was unwilling to be seen; and pressed
- earnestly that she might speak but two words with me; to which she added
- earnest entreaties, and at last tears.
- "I am sorry," says my good creature the Quaker, "thou hast so ill an
- opinion of me as to think I would tell thee an untruth, and say that the
- Lady ---- was gone from my house if she was not! I assure thee I do not
- use any such method; nor does the Lady ---- desire any such kind of
- service from me, as I know of. If she had been in the house, I should
- have told thee so."
- She said little to that, but said it was business of the utmost
- importance that she desired to speak with me about, and then cried again
- very much.
- "Thou seem'st to be sorely afflicted," says the Quaker, "I wish I could
- give thee any relief; but if nothing will comfort thee but seeing the
- Lady ----, it is not in my power."
- "I hope it is," says she again; "to be sure it is of great consequence
- to me, so much that I am undone without it."
- "Thou troublest me very much to hear thee say so," says the Quaker; "but
- why, then, didst thou not speak to her apart when thou wast here
- before?"
- "I had no opportunity," says she, "to speak to her alone, and I could
- not do it in company; if I could have spoken but two words to her alone,
- I would have thrown myself at her foot, and asked her blessing."
- "I am surprised at thee; I do not understand thee," says the Quaker.
- "Oh!" says she, "stand my friend if you have any charity, or if you have
- any compassion for the miserable; for I am utterly undone!"
- "Thou terrifiest me," says the Quaker, "with such passionate
- expressions, for verily I cannot comprehend thee!"
- "Oh!" says she, "she is my mother! she is my mother! and she does not
- own me!"
- "Thy mother!" says the Quaker, and began to be greatly moved indeed. "I
- am astonished at thee: what dost thou mean?"
- "I mean nothing but what I say," says she. "I say again, she is my
- mother, and will not own me;" and with that she stopped with a flood of
- tears.
- "Not own thee!" says the Quaker; and the tender good creature wept too.
- "Why," says she, "she does not know thee, and never saw thee before."
- "No," says the girl, "I believe she does not know me, but I know her;
- and I know that she is my mother."
- "It's impossible, thou talk'st mystery!" says the Quaker; "wilt thou
- explain thyself a little to me?"
- "Yes, yes," says she, "I can explain it well enough. I am sure she is my
- mother, and I have broke my heart to search for her; and now to lose her
- again, when I was so sure I had found her, will break my heart more
- effectually."
- "Well, but if she be thy mother," says the Quaker, "how can it be that
- she should not know thee?"
- "Alas!" says she, "I have been lost to her ever since I was a child; she
- has never seen me."
- "And hast thou never seen her?" says the Quaker.
- "Yes," says she, "I have seen her; often enough I saw her; for when she
- was the Lady Roxana I was her housemaid, being a servant, but I did not
- know her then, nor she me; but it has all come out since. Has she not a
- maid named Amy?" Note.--The honest Quaker was--nonplussed, and greatly
- surprised at that question.
- "Truly," says she, "the Lady ---- has several women servants, but I do
- not know all their names."
- "But her woman, her favourite," adds the girl; "is not her name Amy?"
- "Why, truly," says the Quaker, with a very happy turn of wit, "I do not
- like to be examined; but lest thou shouldest take up any mistakes by
- reason of my backwardness to speak, I will answer thee for once, that
- what her woman's name is I know not, but they call her Cherry."
- _N.B._--My husband gave her that name in jest on our wedding-day, and we
- had called her by it ever after; so that she spoke literally true at
- that time.
- The girl replied very modestly that she was sorry if she gave her any
- offence in asking; that she did not design to be rude to her, or pretend
- to examine her; but that she was in such an agony at this disaster that
- she knew not what she did or said; and that she should be very sorry to
- disoblige her, but begged of her again, as she was a Christian and a
- woman, and had been a mother of children, that she would take pity on
- her, and, if possible, assist her, so that she might but come to me and
- speak a few words to me.
- The tender-hearted Quaker told me the girl spoke this with such moving
- eloquence that it forced tears from her; but she was obliged to say that
- she neither knew where I was gone or how to write to me; but that if she
- did ever see me again she would not fail to give me an account of all
- she had said to her, or that she should yet think fit to say, and to
- take my answer to it, if I thought fit to give any.
- Then the Quaker took the freedom to ask a few particulars about this
- wonderful story, as she called it; at which the girl, beginning at the
- first distresses of my life, and indeed of her own, went through all the
- history of her miserable education, her service under the Lady Roxana,
- as she called me, and her relief by Mrs. Amy, with the reasons she had
- to believe that as Amy owned herself to be the same that lived with her
- mother, and especially that Amy was the Lady Roxana's maid too, and came
- out of France with her, she was by those circumstances, and several
- others in her conversation, as fully convinced that the Lady Roxana was
- her mother, as she was that the Lady ---- at her house (the Quaker's)
- was the very same Roxana that she had been servant to.
- My good friend the Quaker, though terribly shocked at the story, and not
- well knowing what to say, yet was too much my friend to seem convinced
- in a thing which she did not know to be true, and which, if it was true,
- she could see plainly I had a mind should not be known; so she turned
- her discourse to argue the girl out of it. She insisted upon the slender
- evidence she had of the fact itself, and the rudeness of claiming so
- near a relation of one so much above her, and of whose concern in it she
- had no knowledge, at least no sufficient proof; that as the lady at her
- house was a person above any disguises, so she could not believe that
- she would deny her being her daughter, if she was really her mother;
- that she was able sufficiently to have provided for her if she had not a
- mind to have her known; and, therefore, seeing she had heard all she had
- said of the Lady Roxana, and was so far from owning herself to be the
- person, so she had censured that sham lady as a cheat and a common
- woman; and that 'twas certain she could never be brought to own a name
- and character she had so justly exposed.
- Besides, she told her that her lodger, meaning me, was not a sham lady,
- but the real wife of a knight-baronet; and that she knew her to be
- honestly such, and far above such a person as she had described. She
- then added that she had another reason why it was not very possible to
- be true. "And that is," says she, "thy age is in the way; for thou
- acknowledgest that thou art four-and twenty years old, and that thou
- wast the youngest of three of thy mother's children; so that, by thy
- account, thy mother must be extremely young, or this lady cannot be thy
- mother; for thou seest," says she, "and any one may see, she is but a
- young woman now, and cannot be supposed to be above forty years old, if
- she is so much; and is now big with child at her going into the country;
- so that I cannot give any credit to thy notion of her being thy mother;
- and if I might counsel thee, it should be to give over that thought, as
- an improbable story that does but serve to disorder thee, and disturb
- thy head; for," added she, "I perceive thou art much disturbed indeed."
- But this was all nothing; she could be satisfied with nothing but seeing
- me; but the Quaker defended herself very well, and insisted on it that
- she could not give her any account of me; and finding her still
- importunate, she affected at last being a little disgusted that she
- should not believe her, and added, that indeed, if she had known where I
- was gone, she would not have given any one an account of it, unless I
- had given her orders to do so. "But seeing she has not acquainted me,"
- says she, "where she has gone, 'tis an intimation to me she was not
- desirous it should be publicly known;" and with this she rose up, which
- was as plain a desiring her to rise up too and begone as could be
- expressed, except the downright showing her the door.
- Well, the girl rejected all this, and told her she could not indeed
- expect that she (the Quaker) should be affected with the story she had
- told her, however moving, or that she should take any pity on her. That
- it was her misfortune, that when she was at the house before, and in the
- room with me, she did not beg to speak a word with me in private, or
- throw herself upon the floor at my feet, and claim what the affection of
- a mother would have done for her; but since she had slipped her
- opportunity, she would wait for another; that she found by her (the
- Quaker's) talk, that she had not quite left her lodgings, but was gone
- into the country, she supposed for the air; and she was resolved she
- would take so much knight-errantry upon her, that she would visit all
- the airing-places in the nation, and even all the kingdom over, ay, and
- Holland too, but she would find me; for she was satisfied she could so
- convince me that she was my own child, that I would not deny it; and she
- was sure I was so tender and compassionate, I would not let her perish
- after I was convinced that she was my own flesh and blood; and in saying
- she would visit all the airing-places in England, she reckoned them all
- up by name, and began with Tunbridge, the very place I was gone to; then
- reckoning up Epsom, North Hall, Barnet, Newmarket, Bury, and at last,
- the Bath; and with this she took her leave.
- My faithful agent the Quaker failed not to write to me immediately; but
- as she was a cunning as well as an honest woman, it presently occurred
- to her that this was a story which, whether true or false, was not very
- fit to come to my husband's knowledge; that as she did not know what I
- might have been, or might have been called in former times, and how far
- there might have been something or nothing in it, so she thought if it
- was a secret I ought to have the telling it myself; and if it was not,
- it might as well be public afterwards as now; and that, at least, she
- ought to leave it where she found it, and not hand it forwards to
- anybody without my consent. These prudent measures were inexpressibly
- kind, as well as seasonable; for it had been likely enough that her
- letter might have come publicly to me, and though my husband would not
- have opened it, yet it would have looked a little odd that I should
- conceal its contents from him, when I had pretended so much to
- communicate all my affairs.
- In consequence of this wise caution, my good friend only wrote me in few
- words, that the impertinent young woman had been with her, as she
- expected she would; and that she thought it would be very convenient
- that, if I could spare Cherry, I would send her up (meaning Amy),
- because she found there might be some occasion for her.
- As it happened, this letter was enclosed to Amy herself, and not sent
- by the way I had at first ordered; but it came safe to my hands; and
- though I was alarmed a little at it, yet I was not acquainted with the
- danger I was in of an immediate visit from this teasing creature till
- afterwards; and I ran a greater risk, indeed, than ordinary, in that I
- did not send Amy up under thirteen or fourteen days, believing myself as
- much concealed at Tunbridge as if I had been at Vienna.
- But the concern of my faithful spy (for such my Quaker was now, upon the
- mere foot of her own sagacity), I say, her concern for me, was my safety
- in this exigence, when I was, as it were, keeping no guard for myself;
- for, finding Amy not come up, and that she did not know how soon this
- wild thing might put her designed ramble in practice, she sent a
- messenger to the captain's wife's house, where she lodged, to tell her
- that she wanted to speak with her. She was at the heels of the
- messenger, and came eager for some news; and hoped, she said, the lady
- (meaning me) had been come to town.
- The Quaker, with as much caution as she was mistress of, not to tell a
- downright lie, made her believe she expected to hear of me very quickly;
- and frequently, by the by, speaking of being abroad to take the air,
- talked of the country about Bury, how pleasant it was, how wholesome,
- and how fine an air; how the downs about Newmarket were exceeding fine,
- and what a vast deal of company there was, now the court was there; till
- at last, the girl began to conclude that my ladyship was gone thither;
- for, she said, she knew I loved to see a great deal of company.
- "Nay," says my friend, "thou takest me wrong; I did not suggest," says
- she, "that the person thou inquirest after is gone thither, neither do I
- believe she is, I assure thee." Well, the girl smiled, and let her know
- that she believed it for all that; so, to clench it fast, "Verily," says
- she, with great seriousness, "thou dost not do well, for thou suspectest
- everything and believest nothing. I speak solemnly to thee that I do not
- believe they are gone that way; so if thou givest thyself the trouble to
- go that way, and art disappointed, do not say that I have deceived
- thee." She knew well enough that if this did abate her suspicion it
- would not remove it, and that it would do little more than amuse her;
- but by this she kept her in suspense till Amy came up, and that was
- enough.
- When Amy came up, she was quite confounded to hear the relation which
- the Quaker gave her, and found means to acquaint me of it; only letting
- me know, to my great satisfaction, that she would not come to Tunbridge
- first, but that she would certainly go to Newmarket or Bury first.
- However, it gave me very great uneasiness; for as she resolved to ramble
- in search after me over the whole country, I was safe nowhere, no, not
- in Holland itself. So indeed I did not know what to do with her; and
- thus I had a bitter in all my sweet, for I was continually perplexed
- with this hussy, and thought she haunted me like an evil spirit.
- In the meantime Amy was next door to stark-mad about her; she durst not
- see her at my lodgings for her life; and she went days without number to
- Spitalfields, where she used to come, and to her former lodging, and
- could never meet with her. At length she took up a mad resolution that
- she would go directly to the captain's house in Redriff and speak with
- her. It was a mad step, that's true; but as Amy said she was mad, so
- nothing she could do could be otherwise. For if Amy had found her at
- Redriff, she (the girl) would have concluded presently that the Quaker
- had given her notice, and so that we were all of a knot; and that, in
- short, all she had said was right. But as it happened, things came to
- hit better than we expected; for that Amy going out of a coach to take
- water at Tower Wharf, meets the girl just come on shore, having crossed
- the water from Redriff. Amy made as if she would have passed by her,
- though they met so full that she did not pretend she did not see her,
- for she looked fairly upon her first, but then turning her head away
- with a slight, offered to go from her; but the girl stopped, and spoke
- first, and made some manners to her.
- Amy spoke coldly to her, and a little angry; and after some words,
- standing in the street or passage, the girl saying she seemed to be
- angry, and would not have spoken to her, "Why," says Amy, "how can you
- expect I should have any more to say to you after I had done so much
- for you, and you have behaved so to me?" The girl seemed to take no
- notice of that now, but answered, "I was going to wait on you now."
- "Wait on me!" says Amy; "what do you mean by that?" "Why," says she
- again, with a kind of familiarity, "I was going to your lodgings."
- Amy was provoked to the last degree at her, and yet she thought it was
- not her time to resent, because she had a more fatal and wicked design
- in her head against her; which, indeed, I never knew till after it was
- executed, nor durst Amy ever communicate it to me; for as I had always
- expressed myself vehemently against hurting a hair of her head, so she
- was resolved to take her own measures without consulting me any more.
- In order to this, Amy gave her good words, and concealed her resentment
- as much as she could; and when she talked of going to her lodging, Amy
- smiled and said nothing, but called for a pair of oars to go to
- Greenwich; and asked her, seeing she said she was going to her lodging,
- to go along with her, for she was going home, and was all alone.
- Amy did this with such a stock of assurance that the girl was
- confounded, and knew not what to say; but the more she hesitated, the
- more Amy pressed her to go; and talking very kindly to her, told her if
- she did not go to see her lodgings she might go to keep her company, and
- she would pay a boat to bring her back again; so, in a word, Amy
- prevailed on her to go into the boat with her, and carried her down to
- Greenwich.
- 'Tis certain that Amy had no more business at Greenwich than I had, nor
- was she going thither; but we were all hampered to the last degree with
- the impertinence of this creature; and, in particular, I was horribly
- perplexed with it.
- As they were in the boat, Amy began to reproach her with ingratitude in
- treating her so rudely who had done so much for her, and been so kind to
- her; and to ask her what she had got by it, or what she expected to get.
- Then came in my share, the Lady Roxana. Amy jested with that, and
- bantered her a little, and asked her if she had found her yet.
- But Amy was both surprised and enraged when the girl told her roundly
- that she thanked her for what she had done for her, but that she would
- not have her think she was so ignorant as not to know that what she
- (Amy) had done was by her mother's order, and who she was beholden to
- for it. That she could never make instruments pass for principals, and
- pay the debt to the agent when the obligation was all to the original.
- That she knew well enough who she was, and who she was employed by. That
- she knew the Lady ---- very well (naming the name that I now went by),
- which was my husband's true name, and by which she might know whether
- she had found out her mother or no.
- Amy wished her at the bottom of the Thames; and had there been no
- watermen in the boat, and nobody in sight, she swore to me she would
- have thrown her into the river. I was horribly disturbed when she told
- me this story, and began to think this would, at last, all end in my
- ruin; but when Amy spoke of throwing her into the river and drowning
- her, I was so provoked at her that all my rage turned against Amy, and I
- fell thoroughly out with her. I had now kept Amy almost thirty years,
- and found her on all occasions the faithfullest creature to me that ever
- woman had--I say, faithful to me; for, however wicked she was, still she
- was true to me; and even this rage of hers was all upon my account, and
- for fear any mischief should befall me.
- But be that how it would, I could not bear the mention of her murdering
- the poor girl, and it put me so beside myself, that I rose up in a rage,
- and bade her get out of my sight, and out of my house; told her I had
- kept her too long, and that I would never see her face more. I had
- before told her that she was a murderer, and a bloody-minded creature;
- that she could not but know that I could not bear the thought of it,
- much less the mention of it; and that it was the impudentest thing that
- ever was known to make such a proposal to me, when she knew that I was
- really the mother of this girl, and that she was my own child; that it
- was wicked enough in her, but that she must conclude I was ten times
- wickeder than herself if I could come into it; that the girl was in the
- right, and I had nothing to blame her for; but that it was owing to the
- wickedness of my life that made it necessary for me to keep her from a
- discovery; but that I would not murder my child, though I was otherwise
- to be ruined by it. Amy replied, somewhat rough and short, Would I not?
- but she would, she said, if she had an opportunity; and upon these words
- it was that I bade her get out of my sight and out of my house; and it
- went so far that Amy packed up her alls, and marched off; and was gone
- for almost good and all. But of that in its order; I must go back to her
- relation of the voyage which they made to Greenwich together.
- They held on the wrangle all the way by water; the girl insisted upon
- her knowing that I was her mother, and told her all the history of my
- life in the Pall Mall, as well after her being turned away as before,
- and of my marriage since; and which was worse, not only who my present
- husband was, but where he had lived, viz., at Rouen in France. She knew
- nothing of Paris or of where we was going to live, namely, at Nimeguen;
- but told her in so many words that if she could not find me here, she
- would go to Holland after me.
- They landed at Greenwich, and Amy carried her into the park with her,
- and they walked above two hours there in the farthest and remotest
- walks; which Amy did because, as they talked with great heat, it was
- apparent they were quarrelling, and the people took notice of it.
- They walked till they came almost to the wilderness at the south side
- of the park; but the girl, perceiving Amy offered to go in there among
- the woods and trees, stopped short there, and would go no further; but
- said she would not go in there.
- Amy smiled, and asked her what was the matter? She replied short, she
- did not know where she was, nor where she was going to carry her, and
- she would go no farther; and without any more ceremony, turns back, and
- walks apace away from her. Amy owned she was surprised, and came back
- too, and called to her, upon which the girl stopped, and Amy coming up
- to her, asked her what she meant?
- The girl boldly replied she did not know but she might murder her; and
- that, in short, she would not trust herself with her, and never would
- come into her company again alone.
- It was very provoking, but, however, Amy kept her temper with much
- difficulty, and bore it, knowing that much might depend upon it; so she
- mocked her foolish jealousy, and told her she need not be uneasy for
- her, she would do her no harm, and would have done her good if she would
- have let her; but since she was of such a refractory humour, she should
- not trouble herself, for she should never come into her company again;
- and that neither she or her brother or sister should ever hear from her
- or see her any more; and so she should have the satisfaction of being
- the ruin of her brother and sisters as well as of herself.
- The girl seemed a little mollified at that, and said that for herself,
- she knew the worst of it, she could seek her fortune; but it was hard
- her brother and sister should suffer on her score; and said something
- that was tender and well enough on that account. But Amy told her it was
- for her to take that into consideration; for she would let her see that
- it was all her own; that she would have done them all good, but that
- having been used thus, she would do no more for any of them; and that
- she should not need to be afraid to come into her company again, for she
- would never give her occasion for it any more. This, by the way, was
- false in the girl too; for she did venture into Amy's company again
- after that, once too much, as I shall relate by itself.
- They grew cooler, however, afterwards, and Amy carried her into a house
- at Greenwich, where she was acquainted, and took an occasion to leave
- the girl in a room awhile, to speak to the people in the house, and so
- prepare them to own her as a lodger in the house; and then going in to
- her again told her there she lodged, if she had a mind to find her out,
- or if anybody else had anything to say to her. And so Amy dismissed her,
- and got rid of her again; and finding an empty hackney-coach in the
- town, came away by land to London, and the girl, going down to the
- water-side, came by boat.
- This conversation did not answer Amy's end at all, because it did not
- secure the girl from pursuing her design of hunting me out; and though
- my indefatigable friend the Quaker amused her three or four days, yet I
- had such notice of it at last that I thought fit to come away from
- Tunbridge upon it. And where to go I knew not; but, in short, I went to
- a little village upon Epping Forest, called Woodford, and took lodgings
- in a private house, where I lived retired about six weeks, till I
- thought she might be tired of her search, and have given me over.
- Here I received an account from my trusty Quaker that the wench had
- really been at Tunbridge, had found out my lodgings, and had told her
- tale there in a most dismal tone; that she had followed us, as she
- thought, to London; but the Quaker had answered her that she knew
- nothing of it, which was indeed true; and had admonished her to be easy,
- and not hunt after people of such fashion as we were, as if we were
- thieves; that she might be assured, that since I was not willing to see
- her, I would not be forced to it; and treating me thus would effectually
- disoblige me. And with such discourses as these she quieted her; and she
- (the Quaker) added that she hoped I should not be troubled much more
- with her.
- It was in this time that Amy gave me the history of her Greenwich
- voyage, when she spoke of drowning and killing the girl in so serious a
- manner, and with such an apparent resolution of doing it, that, as I
- said, put me in a rage with her, so that I effectually turned her away
- from me, as I have said above, and she was gone; nor did she so much as
- tell me whither or which way she was gone. On the other hand, when I
- came to reflect on it that now I had neither assistant or confidant to
- speak to, or receive the least information from, my friend the Quaker
- excepted, it made me very uneasy.
- I waited and expected and wondered from day to day, still thinking Amy
- would one time or other think a little and come again, or at least let
- me hear of her; but for ten days together I heard nothing of her. I was
- so impatient that I got neither rest by day or sleep by night, and what
- to do I knew not. I durst not go to town to the Quaker's for fear of
- meeting that vexatious creature, my girl, and I could get no
- intelligence where I was; so I got my spouse, upon pretence of wanting
- her company, to take the coach one day and fetch my good Quaker to me.
- When I had her, I durst ask her no questions, nor hardly knew which end
- of the business to begin to talk of; but of her own accord she told me
- that the girl had been three or four times haunting her for news from
- me; and that she had been so troublesome that she had been obliged to
- show herself a little angry with her; and at last told her plainly that
- she need give herself no trouble in searching after me by her means, for
- she (the Quaker) would not tell her if she knew; upon which she
- refrained awhile. But, on the other hand, she told me it was not safe
- for me to send my own coach for her to come in, for she had some reason
- to believe that she (my daughter) watched her door night and day; nay,
- and watched her too every time she went in and out; for she was so bent
- upon a discovery that she spared no pains, and she believed she had
- taken a lodging very near their house for that purpose.
- I could hardly give her a hearing of all this for my eagerness to ask
- for Amy; but I was confounded when she told me she had heard nothing of
- her. It is impossible to express the anxious thoughts that rolled about
- in my mind, and continually perplexed me about her; particularly I
- reproached myself with my rashness in turning away so faithful a
- creature that for so many years had not only been a servant but an
- agent; and not only an agent, but a friend, and a faithful friend too.
- Then I considered too that Amy knew all the secret history of my life;
- had been in all the intrigues of it, and been a party in both evil and
- good; and at best there was no policy in it; that as it was very
- ungenerous and unkind to run things to such an extremity with her, and
- for an occasion, too, in which all the fault she was guilty of was owing
- to her excessive care for my safety, so it must be only her steady
- kindness to me, and an excess of generous friendship for me, that should
- keep her from ill-using me in return for it; which ill-using me was
- enough in her power, and might be my utter undoing.
- These thoughts perplexed me exceedingly, and what course to take I
- really did not know. I began, indeed, to give Amy quite over, for she
- had now been gone above a fortnight, and as she had taken away all her
- clothes, and her money too, which was not a little, and so had no
- occasion of that kind to come any more, so she had not left any word
- where she was gone, or to which part of the world I might send to hear
- of her.
- And I was troubled on another account too, viz., that my spouse and I
- too had resolved to do very handsomely for Amy, without considering what
- she might have got another way at all; but we had said nothing of it to
- her, and so I thought, as she had not known what was likely to fall in
- her way, she had not the influence of that expectation to make her come
- back.
- Upon the whole, the perplexity of this girl, who hunted me as if, like a
- hound, she had had a hot scent, but was now at a fault, I say, that
- perplexity, and this other part of Amy being gone, issued in this--I
- resolved to be gone, and go over to Holland; there, I believed, I should
- be at rest. So I took occasion one day to tell my spouse that I was
- afraid he might take it ill that I had amused him thus long, and that at
- last I doubted I was not with child; and that since it was so, our
- things being packed up, and all in order for going to Holland, I would
- go away now when he pleased.
- My spouse, who was perfectly easy whether in going or staying, left it
- all entirely to me; so I considered of it, and began to prepare again
- for my voyage. But, alas! I was irresolute to the last degree. I was,
- for want of Amy, destitute; I had lost my right hand; she was my
- steward, gathered in my rents (I mean my interest money) and kept my
- accounts, and, in a word, did all my business; and without her, indeed,
- I knew not how to go away nor how to stay. But an accident thrust itself
- in here, and that even in Amy's conduct too, which frighted me away, and
- without her too, in the utmost horror and confusion.
- I have related how my faithful friend the Quaker was come to me, and
- what account she gave me of her being continually haunted by my
- daughter; and that, as she said, she watched her very door night and
- day. The truth was, she had set a spy to watch so effectually that she
- (the Quaker) neither went in or out but she had notice of it.
- This was too evident when, the next morning after she came to me (for I
- kept her all night), to my unspeakable surprise I saw a hackney-coach
- stop at the door where I lodged, and saw her (my daughter) in the coach
- all alone. It was a very good chance, in the middle of a bad one, that
- my husband had taken out the coach that very morning, and was gone to
- London. As for me, I had neither life or soul left in me; I was so
- confounded I knew not what to do or to say.
- My happy visitor had more presence of mind than I, and asked me if I had
- made no acquaintance among the neighbours. I told her, yes, there was a
- lady lodged two doors off that I was very intimate with. "But hast thou
- no way out backward to go to her?" says she. Now it happened there was
- a back-door in the garden, by which we usually went and came to and from
- the house, so I told her of it. "Well, well," says she, "go out and make
- a visit then, and leave the rest to me." Away I run, told the lady (for
- I was very free there) that I was a widow to-day, my spouse being gone
- to London, so I came not to visit her, but to dwell with her that day,
- because also our landlady had got strangers come from London. So having
- framed this orderly lie, I pulled some work out of my pocket, and added
- I did not come to be idle.
- As I went out one way, my friend the Quaker went the other to receive
- this unwelcome guest. The girl made but little ceremony, but having bid
- the coachman ring at the gate, gets down out of the coach and comes to
- the door, a country girl going to the door (belonging to the house), for
- the Quaker forbid any of my maids going. Madam asked for my Quaker by
- name, and the girl asked her to walk in.
- Upon this, my Quaker, seeing there was no hanging back, goes to her
- immediately, but put all the gravity upon her countenance that she was
- mistress of, and that was not a little indeed.
- When she (the Quaker) came into the room (for they had showed my
- daughter into a little parlour), she kept her grave countenance, but
- said not a word, nor did my daughter speak a good while; but after some
- time my girl began and said, "I suppose you know me, madam?"
- "Yes," says the Quaker, "I know thee." And so the dialogue went on.
- _Girl._ Then you know my business too?
- _Quaker._ No, verily, I do not know any business thou canst have here
- with me.
- _Girl._ Indeed, my business is not chiefly with you.
- _Qu._ Why, then, dost thou come after me thus far?
- _Girl._ You know whom I seek. [_And with that she cried._]
- _Qu._ But why shouldst thou follow me for her, since thou know'st that I
- assured thee more than once that I knew not where she was?
- _Girl._ But I hoped you could.
- _Qu._ Then thou must hope that I did not speak the truth, which would be
- very wicked.
- _Girl._ I doubt not but she is in this house.
- _Qu._ If those be thy thoughts, thou may'st inquire in the house; so
- thou hast no more business with me. Farewell! [_Offers to go._]
- _Girl._ I would not be uncivil; I beg you to let me see her.
- _Qu._ I am here to visit some of my friends, and I think thou art not
- very civil in following me hither.
- _Girl._ I came in hopes of a discovery in my great affair which you know
- of.
- _Qu._ Thou cam'st wildly, indeed; I counsel thee to go back again, and
- be easy; I shall keep my word with thee, that I would not meddle in it,
- or give thee any account, if I knew it, unless I had her orders.
- [Illustration: ROXANA'S DAUGHTER AND THE QUAKER
- _Here the girl importuned her again with the utmost earnestness, and
- cried bitterly_]
- _Girl._ If you knew my distress you could not be so cruel.
- _Qu._ Thou hast told me all thy story, and I think it might be more
- cruelty to tell thee than not to tell thee; for I understand she is
- resolved not to see thee, and declares she is not thy mother. Will'st
- thou be owned where thou hast no relation?
- _Girl._ Oh, if I could but speak to her, I would prove my relation to
- her so that she could not deny it any longer.
- _Qu._ Well, but thou canst not come to speak with her, it seems.
- _Girl._ I hope you will tell me if she is here. I had a good account
- that you were come out to see her, and that she sent for you.
- _Qu._ I much wonder how thou couldst have such an account. If I had come
- out to see her, thou hast happened to miss the house, for I assure thee
- she is not to be found in this house.
- Here the girl importuned her again with the utmost earnestness, and
- cried bitterly, insomuch that my poor Quaker was softened with it, and
- began to persuade me to consider of it, and, if it might consist with my
- affairs, to see her, and hear what she had to say; but this was
- afterwards. I return to the discourse.
- The Quaker was perplexed with her a long time; she talked of sending
- back the coach, and lying in the town all night. This, my friend knew,
- would be very uneasy to me, but she durst not speak a word against it;
- but on a sudden thought, she offered a bold stroke, which, though
- dangerous if it had happened wrong, had its desired effect.
- She told her that, as for dismissing her coach, that was as she pleased,
- she believed she would not easily get a lodging in the town; but that as
- she was in a strange place, she would so much befriend her, that she
- would speak to the people of the house, that if they had room, she might
- have a lodging there for one night, rather than be forced back to London
- before she was free to go.
- This was a cunning, though a dangerous step, and it succeeded
- accordingly, for it amused the creature entirely, and she presently
- concluded that really I could not be there then, otherwise she would
- never have asked her to lie in the house; so she grew cold again
- presently as to her lodging there, and said, No, since it was so, she
- would go back that afternoon, but she would come again in two or three
- days, and search that and all the towns round in an effectual manner, if
- she stayed a week or two to do it; for, in short, if I was in England or
- Holland she would find me.
- "In truth," says the Quaker, "thou wilt make me very hurtful to thee,
- then." "Why so?" says she, "Because wherever I go, thou wilt put thyself
- to great expense, and the country to a great deal of unnecessary
- trouble." "Not unnecessary," says she. "Yes, truly," says the Quaker;
- "it must be unnecessary, because it will be to no purpose. I think I
- must abide in my own house to save thee that charge and trouble."
- She said little to that, except that, she said, she would give her as
- little trouble as possible; but she was afraid she should sometimes be
- uneasy to her, which she hoped she would excuse. My Quaker told her she
- would much rather excuse her if she would forbear; for that if she would
- believe her, she would assure her she should never get any intelligence
- of me by her.
- That set her into tears again; but after a while, recovering herself,
- she told her perhaps she might be mistaken; and she (the Quaker) should
- watch herself very narrowly, or she might one time or other get some
- intelligence from her, whether she would or no; and she was satisfied
- she had gained some of her by this journey, for that if I was not in the
- house, I was not far off; and if I did not remove very quickly, she
- would find me out. "Very well," says my Quaker; "then if the lady is not
- willing to see thee, thou givest me notice to tell her, that she may get
- out of thy way."
- She flew out in a rage at that, and told my friend that if she did, a
- curse would follow her, and her children after her, and denounced such
- horrid things upon her as frighted the poor tender-hearted Quaker
- strangely, and put her more out of temper than ever I saw her before; so
- that she resolved to go home the next morning, and I, that was ten times
- more uneasy than she, resolved to follow her, and go to London too;
- which, however, upon second thoughts, I did not, but took effectual
- measures not to be seen or owned if she came any more; but I heard no
- more of her for some time.
- I stayed there about a fortnight, and in all that time I heard no more
- of her, or of my Quaker about her; but after about two days more, I had
- a letter from my Quaker, intimating that she had something of moment to
- say, that she could not communicate by letter, but wished I would give
- myself the trouble to come up, directing me to come with the coach into
- Goodman's Fields, and then walk to her back-door on foot, which being
- left open on purpose, the watchful lady, if she had any spies, could not
- well see me.
- My thoughts had for so long time been kept, as it were, waking, that
- almost everything gave me the alarm, and this especially, so that I was
- very uneasy; but I could not bring matters to bear to make my coming to
- London so clear to my husband as I would have done; for he liked the
- place, and had a mind, he said, to stay a little longer, if it was not
- against my inclination; so I wrote my friend the Quaker word that I
- could not come to town yet; and that, besides, I could not think of
- being there under spies, and afraid to look out of doors; and so, in
- short, I put off going for near a fortnight more.
- At the end of that time she wrote again, in which she told me that she
- had not lately seen the impertinent visitor which had been so
- troublesome; but that she had seen my trusty agent Amy, who told her
- she had cried for six weeks without intermission; that Amy had given her
- an account how troublesome the creature had been, and to what straits
- and perplexities I was driven by her hunting after and following me from
- place to place; upon which Amy had said, that, notwithstanding I was
- angry with her, and had used her so hardly for saying something about
- her of the same kind, yet there was an absolute necessity of securing
- her, and removing her out of the way; and that, in short, without asking
- my leave, or anybody's leave, she should take care she should trouble
- her mistress (meaning me) no more; and that after Amy had said so, she
- had indeed never heard any more of the girl; so that she supposed Amy
- had managed it so well as to put an end to it.
- The innocent, well-meaning creature, my Quaker, who was all kindness and
- goodness in herself, and particularly to me, saw nothing in this; but
- she thought Amy had found some way to persuade her to be quiet and easy,
- and to give over teasing and following me, and rejoiced in it for my
- sake; as she thought nothing of any evil herself, so she suspected none
- in anybody else, and was exceeding glad of having such good news to
- write to me; but my thoughts of it run otherwise.
- I was struck, as with a blast from heaven, at the reading her letter; I
- fell into a fit of trembling from head to foot, and I ran raving about
- the room like a mad woman. I had nobody to speak a word to, to give
- vent to my passion; nor did I speak a word for a good while, till after
- it had almost overcome me. I threw myself on the bed, and cried out,
- "Lord, be merciful to me, she has murdered my child!" and with that a
- flood of tears burst out, and I cried vehemently for above an hour.
- My husband was very happily gone out a-hunting, so that I had the
- opportunity of being alone, and to give my passions some vent, by which
- I a little recovered myself. But after my crying was over, then I fell
- in a new rage at Amy; I called her a thousand devils and monsters and
- hard-hearted tigers; I reproached her with her knowing that I abhorred
- it, and had let her know it sufficiently, in that I had, at it were,
- kicked her out of doors, after so many years' friendship and service,
- only for naming it to me.
- Well, after some time, my spouse came in from his sport, and I put on
- the best looks I could to deceive him; but he did not take so little
- notice of me as not to see I had been crying, and that something
- troubled me, and he pressed me to tell him. I seemed to bring it out
- with reluctance, but told him my backwardness was more because I was
- ashamed that such a trifle should have any effect upon me, than for any
- weight that was in it; so I told him I had been vexing myself about my
- woman Amy's not coming again; that she might have known me better than
- not to believe I should have been friends with her again, and the like;
- and that, in short, I had lost the best servant by my rashness that ever
- woman had.
- "Well, well," says he, "if that be all your grief, I hope you will soon
- shake it off; I'll warrant you in a little while we shall hear of Mrs.
- Amy again." And so it went off for that time. But it did not go off with
- me; for I was uneasy and terrified to the last degree, and wanted to get
- some farther account of the thing. So I went away to my sure and certain
- comforter, the Quaker, and there I had the whole story of it; and the
- good innocent Quaker gave me joy of my being rid of such an unsufferable
- tormentor.
- "Rid of her! Ay," says I, "if I was rid of her fairly and honourably;
- but I don't know what Amy may have done. Sure, she ha'n't made her
- away?" "Oh fie!" says my Quaker; "how canst thou entertain such a
- notion! No, no. Made her away? Amy didn't talk like that; I dare say
- thou may'st be easy in that; Amy has nothing of that in her head, I dare
- say," says she; and so threw it, as it were, out of my thoughts.
- But it would not do; it run in my head continually; night and day I
- could think of nothing else; and it fixed such a horror of the fact upon
- my spirits, and such a detestation of Amy, who I looked upon as the
- murderer, that, as for her, I believe if I could have seen her I should
- certainly have sent her to Newgate, or to a worse place, upon
- suspicion; indeed, I think I could have killed her with my own hands.
- As for the poor girl herself, she was ever before my eyes; I saw her by
- night and by day; she haunted my imagination, if she did not haunt the
- house; my fancy showed me her in a hundred shapes and postures; sleeping
- or waking, she was with me. Sometimes I thought I saw her with her
- throat cut; sometimes with her head cut, and her brains knocked out;
- other times hanged up upon a beam; another time drowned in the great
- pond at Camberwell. And all these appearances were terrifying to the
- last degree; and that which was still worse, I could really hear nothing
- of her; I sent to the captain's wife in Redriff, and she answered me,
- she was gone to her relations in Spitalfields. I sent thither, and they
- said she was there about three weeks ago, but that she went out in a
- coach with the gentlewoman that used to be so kind to her, but whither
- she was gone they knew not, for she had not been there since. I sent
- back the messenger for a description of the woman she went out with; and
- they described her so perfectly, that I knew it to be Amy, and none but
- Amy.
- I sent word again that Mrs. Amy, who she went out with, left her in two
- or three hours, and that they should search for her, for I had a reason
- to fear she was murdered. This frighted them all intolerably. They
- believed Amy had carried her to pay her a sum of money, and that
- somebody had watched her after her having received it, and had robbed
- and murdered her.
- I believed nothing of that part; but I believed, as it was, that
- whatever was done, Amy had done it; and that, in short, Amy had made her
- away; and I believed it the more, because Amy came no more near me, but
- confirmed her guilt by her absence.
- Upon the whole, I mourned thus for her for above a month; but finding
- Amy still come not near me, and that I must put my affairs in a posture
- that I might go to Holland, I opened all my affairs to my dear trusty
- friend the Quaker, and placed her, in matters of trust, in the room of
- Amy; and with a heavy, bleeding heart for my poor girl, I embarked with
- my spouse, and all our equipage and goods, on board another Holland's
- trader, not a packet-boat, and went over to Holland, where I arrived, as
- I have said.
- I must put in a caution, however, here, that you must not understand me
- as if I let my friend the Quaker into any part of the secret history of
- my former life; nor did I commit the grand reserved article of all to
- her, viz., that I was really the girl's mother, and the Lady Roxana;
- there was no need of that part being exposed; and it was always a maxim
- with me, that secrets should never be opened without evident utility. It
- could be of no manner of use to me or her to communicate that part to
- her; besides, she was too honest herself to make it safe to me; for
- though she loved me very sincerely, and it was plain by many
- circumstances that she did so, yet she would not lie for me upon
- occasion, as Amy would, and therefore it was not advisable on any terms
- to communicate that part; for if the girl, or any one else, should have
- come to her afterwards, and put it home to her, whether she knew that I
- was the girl's mother or not, or was the same as the Lady Roxana or not,
- she either would not have denied it, or would have done it with so ill a
- grace, such blushing, such hesitations and falterings in her answers, as
- would have put the matter out of doubt, and betrayed herself and the
- secret too.
- For this reason, I say, I did not discover anything of that kind to her;
- but I placed her, as I have said, in Amy's stead in the other affairs of
- receiving money, interests, rents, and the like, and she was as faithful
- as Amy could be, and as diligent.
- But there fell out a great difficulty here, which I knew not how to get
- over; and this was how to convey the usual supply of provision and money
- to the uncle and the other sister, who depended, especially the sister,
- upon the said supply for her support; and indeed, though Amy had said
- rashly that she would not take any more notice of the sister, and would
- leave her to perish, as above, yet it was neither in my nature, or Amy's
- either, much less was it in my design; and therefore I resolved to leave
- the management of what I had reserved for that work with my faithful
- Quaker, but how to direct her to manage them was the great difficulty.
- Amy had told them in so many words that she was not their mother, but
- that she was the maid Amy, that carried them to their aunt's; that she
- and their mother went over to the East Indies to seek their fortune, and
- that there good things had befallen them, and that their mother was very
- rich and happy; that she (Amy) had married in the Indies, but being now
- a widow, and resolving to come over to England, their mother had obliged
- her to inquire them out, and do for them as she had done; and that now
- she was resolved to go back to the Indies again; but that she had orders
- from their mother to do very handsomely by them; and, in a word, told
- them she had £2000 apiece for them, upon condition that they proved
- sober, and married suitably to themselves, and did not throw themselves
- away upon scoundrels.
- The good family in whose care they had been, I had resolved to take more
- than ordinary notice of; and Amy, by my order, had acquainted them with
- it, and obliged my daughters to promise to submit to their government,
- as formerly, and to be ruled by the honest man as by a father and
- counsellor; and engaged him to treat them as his children. And to oblige
- him effectually to take care of them, and to make his old age
- comfortable both to him and his wife, who had been so good to the
- orphans, I had ordered her to settle the other £2000, that is to say,
- the interest of it, which was £120 a year, upon them, to be theirs for
- both their lives, but to come to my two daughters after them. This was
- so just, and was so prudently managed by Amy, that nothing she ever did
- for me pleased me better. And in this posture, leaving my two daughters
- with their ancient friend, and so coming away to me (as they thought to
- the East Indies), she had prepared everything in order to her going over
- with me to Holland; and in this posture that matter stood when that
- unhappy girl, who I have said so much of, broke in upon all our
- measures, as you have heard, and, by an obstinacy never to be conquered
- or pacified, either with threats or persuasions, pursued her search
- after me (her mother) as I have said, till she brought me even to the
- brink of destruction; and would, in all probability, have traced me out
- at last, if Amy had not, by the violence of her passion, and by a way
- which I had no knowledge of, and indeed abhorred, put a stop to her, of
- which I cannot enter into the particulars here.
- However, notwithstanding this, I could not think of going away and
- leaving this work so unfinished as Amy had threatened to do, and for the
- folly of one child to leave the other to starve, or to stop my
- determined bounty to the good family I have mentioned. So, in a word, I
- committed the finishing it all to my faithful friend the Quaker, to whom
- I communicated as much of the whole story as was needful to empower her
- to perform what Amy had promised, and to make her talk so much to the
- purpose, as one employed more remotely than Amy had been, needed to be.
- To this purpose she had, first of all, a full possession of the money;
- and went first to the honest man and his wife, and settled all the
- matter with them; when she talked of Mrs. Amy, she talked of her as one
- that had been empowered by the mother of the girls in the Indies, but
- was obliged to go back to the Indies, and had settled all sooner if she
- had not been hindered by the obstinate humour of the other daughter;
- that she had left instructions with her for the rest; but that the other
- had affronted her so much that she was gone away without doing anything
- for her; and that now, if anything was done, it must be by fresh orders
- from the East Indies.
- I need not say how punctually my new agent acted; but, which was more,
- she brought the old man and his wife, and my other daughter, several
- times to her house, by which I had an opportunity, being there only as a
- lodger, and a stranger, to see my other girl, which I had never done
- before, since she was a little child.
- The day I contrived to see them I was dressed up in a Quaker's habit,
- and looked so like a Quaker, that it was impossible for them, who had
- never seen me before, to suppose I had ever been anything else; also my
- way of talking was suitable enough to it, for I had learned that long
- before.
- I have not time here to take notice what a surprise it was to me to see
- my child; how it worked upon my affections; with what infinite struggle
- I mastered a strong inclination that I had to discover myself to her;
- how the girl was the very counterpart of myself, only much handsomer;
- and how sweetly and modestly she behaved; how, on that occasion, I
- resolved to do more for her than I had appointed by Amy, and the like.
- It is enough to mention here, that as the settling this affair made way
- for my going on board, notwithstanding the absence of my old agent Amy,
- so, however, I left some hints for Amy too, for I did not yet despair of
- my hearing from her; and that if my good Quaker should ever see her
- again, she should let her see them; wherein, particularly, ordering her
- to leave the affair of Spitalfields just as I had done, in the hands of
- my friend, she should come away to me; upon this condition,
- nevertheless, that she gave full satisfaction to my friend the Quaker
- that she had not murdered my child; for if she had, I told her I would
- never see her face more. However, notwithstanding this, she came over
- afterwards, without giving my friend any of that satisfaction, or any
- account that she intended to come over.
- I can say no more now, but that, as above, being arrived in Holland,
- with my spouse and his son, formerly mentioned, I appeared there with
- all the splendour and equipage suitable to our new prospect, as I have
- already observed.
- Here, after some few years of flourishing and outwardly happy
- circumstances, I fell into a dreadful course of calamities, and Amy
- also; the very reverse of our former good days. The blast of Heaven
- seemed to follow the injury done the poor girl by us both, and I was
- brought so low again, that my repentance seemed to be only the
- consequence of my misery, as my misery was of my crime.
- CONTINUATION
- (_From the 1745 Edition_)
- In resolving to go to Holland with my husband, and take possession of
- the title of countess as soon as possible, I had a view of deceiving my
- daughter, were she yet alive, and seeking me out; for it seldom happens
- that a nobleman, or his lady, are called by their surnames, and as she
- was a stranger to our noble title, might have inquired at our next door
- neighbours for Mr. ----, the Dutch merchant, and not have been one jot
- the wiser for her inquiry. So one evening, soon after this resolution,
- as I and my husband were sitting together when supper was over, and
- talking of several various scenes in life, I told him that, as there was
- no likelihood of my being with child, as I had some reason to suspect I
- was some time before, I was ready to go with him to any part of the
- world, whenever he pleased. I said, that great part of my things were
- packed up, and what was not would not be long about, and that I had
- little occasion to buy any more clothes, linen, or jewels, whilst I was
- in England, having a large quantity of the richest and best of
- everything by me already. On saying these words, he took me in his
- arms, and told me that he looked on what I had now spoken with so great
- an emphasis, to be my settled resolution, and the fault should not lie
- on his side if it miscarried being put in practice.
- The next morning he went out to see some merchants, who had received
- advice of the arrival of some shipping which had been in great danger at
- sea, and whose insurance had run very high; and it was this interval
- that gave me an opportunity of my coming to a final resolution. I now
- told the Quaker, as she was sitting at work in her parlour, that we
- should very speedily leave her, and although she daily expected it, yet
- she was really sorry to hear that we had come to a full determination;
- she said abundance of fine things to me on the happiness of the life I
- did then, and was going to live; believing, I suppose, that a countess
- could not have a foul conscience; but at that very instant, I would
- have, had it been in my power, resigned husband, estate, title, and all
- the blessings she fancied I had in the world, only for her real virtue,
- and the sweet peace of mind, joined to a loving company of children,
- which she really possessed.
- When my husband returned, he asked me at dinner if I persevered in my
- resolution of leaving England; to which I answered in the affirmative.
- "Well," says he, "as all my affairs will not take up a week's time to
- settle, I will be ready to go from London with you in ten days' time."
- We fixed upon no particular place or abode, but in general concluded to
- go to Dover, cross the Channel to Calais, and proceed from thence by
- easy journeys to Paris, where after staying about a week, we intended to
- go through part of France, the Austrian Netherlands, and so on to
- Amsterdam, Rotterdam, or the Hague, as we were to settle before we went
- from Paris. As my husband did not care to venture all our fortune in one
- bottom, so our goods, money, and plate were consigned to several
- merchants, who had been his intimates many years, and he took notes of a
- prodigious value in his pocket, besides what he gave me to take care of
- during our journey. The last thing to be considered was, how we should
- go ourselves, and what equipage we should take with us; my thoughts were
- wholly taken up about it some time; I knew I was going to be a countess,
- and did not care to appear anything mean before I came to that honour;
- but, on the other hand, if I left London in any public way, I might
- possibly hear of inquiries after me in the road, that I had been
- acquainted with before. At last I said we would discharge all our
- servants, except two footmen, who should travel with us to Dover, and
- one maid to wait on me, that had lived with me only since the retreat of
- Amy, and she was to go through, if she was willing; and as to the
- carriage of us, a coach should be hired for my husband, myself, and
- maid, and two horses were to be hired for the footmen, who were to
- return with them to London.
- When the Quaker had heard when and how we intended to go, she begged, as
- there would be a spare seat in the coach, to accompany us as far as
- Dover, which we both readily consented to; no woman could be a better
- companion, neither was there any acquaintance that we loved better, or
- could show more respect to us.
- The morning before we set out, my husband sent for a master coachman to
- know the price of a handsome coach, with six able horses, to go to
- Dover. He inquired how many days we intended to be on the journey? My
- husband said he would go but very easy, and chose to be three days on
- the road; that they should stay there two days, and be three more
- returning to London, with a gentlewoman (meaning the Quaker) in it. The
- coachman said it would be an eight days' journey, and he would have ten
- guineas for it. My husband consented to pay him his demand, and he
- received orders to be ready at the door by seven of the clock the next
- morning: I was quite prepared to go, having no person to take leave of
- but the Quaker, and she had desired to see us take the packet-boat at
- Dover, before we parted with her; and the last night of my stay in
- London was spent very agreeably with the Quaker and her family. My
- husband, who stayed out later than usual, in taking his farewell of
- several merchants of his acquaintance, came home about eleven o'clock,
- and drank a glass or two of wine with us before we went to bed.
- The next morning, the whole family got up about five o'clock, and I,
- with my husband's consent, made each of the Quaker's daughters a present
- of a diamond ring, valued at £20, and a guinea apiece to all the
- servants, without exception. We all breakfasted together, and at the
- hour appointed, the coach and attendants came to the door; this drew
- several people about it, who were all very inquisitive to know who was
- going into the country, and what is never forgot on such occasions, all
- the beggars in the neighbourhood were prepared to give us their
- benedictions in hopes of an alms. When the coachmen had packed up what
- boxes were designed for our use, we, namely, my husband, the Quaker,
- myself, and the waiting-maid, all got into the coach, the footmen were
- mounted on horses behind, and in this manner the coach, after I had
- given a guinea to one of the Quaker's daughters equally to divide among
- the beggars at the door, drove away from the house, and I took leave of
- my lodging in the Minories, as well as of London.
- At St. George's Church, Southwark, we were met by three gentlemen on
- horseback, who were merchants of my husband's acquaintance, and had come
- out on purpose, to go half a day's journey with us; and as they kept
- talking to us at the coach side, we went a good pace, and were very
- merry together; we stopped at the best house of entertainment on
- Shooter's Hill.
- Here we stopped for about an hour, and drank some wine, and my husband,
- whose chief study was how to please and divert me, caused me to alight
- out of the coach; which the gentlemen who accompanied us observing,
- alighted also. The waiter showed us upstairs into a large room, whose
- window opened to our view a fine prospect of the river Thames, which
- here, they say, forms one of the most beautiful meanders. It was within
- an hour of high water, and such a number of ships coming in under sail
- quite astonished as well as delighted me, insomuch that I could not help
- breaking out into such-like expressions, "My dear, what a fine sight
- this is; I never saw the like before! Pray will they get to London this
- tide?" At which the good-natured gentleman smiled, and said, "Yes, my
- dear; why, there is London, and as the wind is quite fair for them, some
- of them will come to an anchor in about half-an-hour, and all within an
- hour."
- I was so taken up with looking down the river that, till my husband
- spoke, I had not once looked up the river; but when I did, and saw
- London, the Monument, the cathedral church of St. Paul, and the steeples
- belonging to the several parish churches, I was transported into an
- ecstasy, and could not refrain from saying, "Sure that cannot be the
- place we are now just come from, it must be further off, for that looks
- to be scarce three miles off, and we have been three hours, by my watch,
- coming from our lodgings in the Minories! No, no, it is not London, it
- is some other place!"
- Upon which one of the gentlemen present offered to convince me that the
- place I saw was London if I would go up to the top of the house, and
- view it from the turret. I accepted the offer, and I, my husband, and
- the three gentlemen were conducted by the master of the house upstairs
- into the turret. If I was delighted before with my prospect, I was now
- ravished, for I was elevated above the room I was in before upwards of
- thirty feet. I seemed a little dizzy, for the turret being a lantern,
- and giving light all ways, for some time I thought myself suspended in
- the air; but sitting down, and having eat a mouthful of biscuit and
- drank a glass of sack, I soon recovered, and then the gentleman who had
- undertaken to convince me that the place I was shown was really London,
- thus began, after having drawn aside one of the windows.
- "You see, my lady," says the gentleman, "the greatest, the finest, the
- richest, and the most populous city in the world, at least in Europe, as
- I can assure your ladyship, upon my own knowledge, it deserves the
- character I have given it." "But this, sir, will never convince me that
- the place you now show me is London, though I have before heard that
- London deserves the character you have with so much cordiality bestowed
- upon it. And this I can testify, that London, in every particular you
- have mentioned, greatly surpasses Paris, which is allowed by all
- historians and travellers to be the second city in Europe."
- Here the gentleman, pulling out his pocket-glass, desired me to look
- through it, which I did; and then he directed me to look full at St.
- Paul's, and to make that the centre of my future observation, and
- thereupon he promised me conviction.
- Whilst I took my observation, I sat in a high chair, made for that
- purpose, with a convenience before you to hold the glass. I soon found
- the cathedral, and then I could not help saying I have been several
- times up to the stone gallery, but not quite so often up to the iron
- gallery. Then I brought my eye to the Monument, and was obliged to
- confess I knew it to be such. The gentleman then moved the glass and
- desired me to look, which doing, I said, "I think I see Whitehall and
- St. James's Park, and I see also two great buildings like barns, but I
- do not know what they are." "Oh," says the gentleman, "they are the
- Parliament House and Westminster Abbey." "They may be so," said I; and
- continuing looking, I perceived the very house at Kensington which I had
- lived in some time; but of that I took no notice, yet I found my colour
- come, to think what a life of gaiety and wickedness I had lived. The
- gentleman, perceiving my disorder, said, "I am afraid I have tired your
- ladyship; I will make but one remove, more easterly, and then I believe
- you will allow the place we see to be London."
- He might have saved himself the trouble, for I was thoroughly convinced
- of my error; but to give myself time to recover, and to hide my
- confusion, I seemed not yet to be quite convinced. I looked, and the
- first object that presented itself was Aldgate Church, which, though I
- confess to my shame, I seldom saw the inside of it, yet I was well
- acquainted with the outside, for many times my friend the Quaker and I
- had passed and repassed by it when we used to go in the coach to take an
- airing. I saw the church, or the steeple of the church, so plain, and
- knew it so well, that I could not help saying, with some earnestness,
- "My dear, I see our church; the church, I mean, belonging to our
- neighbourhood; I am sure it is Aldgate Church." Then I saw the Tower,
- and all the shipping; and, taking my eye from the glass, I thanked the
- gentleman for the trouble I had given him, and said to him that I was
- fully convinced that the place I saw was London, and that it was the
- very place we came from that morning.
- When we came to Sittingbourne, our servant soon brought us word that
- although we were at the best inn in the town, yet there was nothing in
- the larder fit for our dinner. The landlord came in after him and began
- to make excuses for his empty cupboard. He told us, withal, that if we
- would please to stay, he would kill a calf, a sheep, a hog, or anything
- we had a fancy to. We ordered him to kill a pig and some pigeons, which,
- with a dish of fish, a cherry pie, and some pastry, made up a tolerable
- dinner. We made up two pounds ten shillings, for we caused the landlord,
- his wife, and two daughters, to dine with us, and help us off with our
- wine. Our landlady and her two daughters, with a glass or two given to
- the cook, managed two bottles of white wine. This operated so strong
- upon one of the young wenches that, my spouse being gone out into the
- yard, her tongue began to run; and, looking at me, she says to her
- mother, "La! mother, how much like the lady her ladyship is" (speaking
- of me), "the young woman who lodged here the other night, and stayed
- here part of the next day, and then set forward for Canterbury,
- described. The lady is the same person, I'm sure."
- This greatly alarmed me, and made me very uneasy, for I concluded this
- young woman could be no other than my daughter, who was resolved to find
- me out, whether I would or no. I desired the girl to describe the young
- woman she mentioned, which she did, and I was convinced it was my own
- daughter. I asked in what manner she travelled, and whether she had any
- company. I was answered that she was on foot, and that she had no
- company; but that she always travelled from place to place in company;
- that her method was, when she came into any town, to go to the best inns
- and inquire for the lady she sought; and then, when she had satisfied
- herself that the lady, whom she called her mother, was not to be found
- in that town or neighbourhood, she then begged the favour of the
- landlady of the inn where she was, to put her into such a company that
- she knew that she might go safe to the next town; that this was the
- manner of her proceeding at her house, and she believed she had
- practised it ever since she set out from London; and she hoped to meet
- with her mother, as she called her, upon the road.
- I asked my landlady whether she described our coach and equipage, but
- she said the young woman did not inquire concerning equipage, but only
- described a lady "so like your ladyship, that I have often, since I saw
- your ladyship, took you to be the very person she was looking for."
- Amidst the distractions of my mind, this afforded me some comfort, that
- my daughter was not in the least acquainted with the manner in which we
- travelled. My husband and the landlord returned, and that put an end to
- the discourse.
- I left this town with a heavy heart, feeling my daughter would
- infallibly find me out at Canterbury; but, as good luck would have it,
- she had left that city before we came thither, some time. I was very
- short in one thing, that I had not asked my landlady at Sittingbourne
- how long it was since my daughter was there. But when I came to
- Canterbury I was a very anxious and indefatigable in inquiring after my
- daughter, and I found that she had been at the inn where we then were,
- and had inquired for me, as I found by the description the people gave
- of myself.
- Here I learnt my daughter had left Canterbury a week. This pleased me;
- and I was determined to stay in Canterbury one day, to view the
- cathedral, and see the antiquities of this metropolis.
- As we had sixteen miles to our journey's end that night, for it was near
- four o'clock before we got into our coach again, the coachman drove with
- great speed, and at dusk in the evening we entered the west gate of the
- city, and put up at an inn in High Street (near St. Mary Bredman's
- church), which generally was filled with the best of company. The
- anxiety of my mind, on finding myself pursued by this girl, and the
- fatigue of my journey, had made me much out of order, my head ached, and
- I had no stomach.
- This made my husband (but he knew not the real occasion of my illness)
- and the Quaker very uneasy, and they did all in their power to persuade
- me to eat anything I could fancy.
- At length the landlady of the inn, who perceived I was more disturbed in
- my mind than sick, advised me to eat one poached egg, drink a glass of
- sack, eat a toast, and go to bed, and she warranted, she said, I should
- be well by the morning. This was immediately done; and I must
- acknowledge, that the sack and toast cheered me wonderfully, and I began
- to take heart again; and my husband would have the coachman in after
- supper, on purpose to divert me and the honest Quaker, who, poor
- creature, seemed much more concerned at my misfortune than I was myself.
- I went soon to bed, but for fear I should be worse in the night, two
- maids of the inn were ordered to sit up in an adjoining chamber; the
- Quaker and my waiting-maid lay in a bed in the same room, and my
- husband by himself in another apartment.
- While my maid was gone down on some necessary business, and likewise to
- get me some burnt wine, which I was to drink going to bed, or rather
- when I was just got into bed, the Quaker and I had the following
- dialogue:
- _Quaker._ The news thou heardest at Sittingbourne has disordered thee. I
- am glad the young woman has been out of this place a week; she went
- indeed for Dover; and when she comes there and canst not find thee, she
- may go to Deal, and so miss of thee.
- _Roxana._ What I most depend upon is, that as we do not travel by any
- particular name, but the general one of the baronet and his lady, and
- the girl hath no notion what sort of equipage we travelled with, it was
- not easy to make a discovery of me, unless she accidentally, in her
- travels, light upon you (meaning the Quaker), or upon me; either of
- which must unavoidably blow the secret I had so long laboured to
- conceal.
- _Quaker._ As thou intendest to stay here to-morrow, to see the things
- which thou callest antiquities, and which are more properly named the
- relics of the Whore of Babylon; suppose thou wert to send Thomas, who at
- thy command followeth after us, to the place called Dover, to inquire
- whether such a young woman has been inquiring for thee. He may go out
- betimes in the morning, and may return by night, for it is but twelve
- or fourteen miles at farthest thither.
- _Roxana._ I like thy scheme very well; and I beg the favour of you in
- the morning, as soon as you are up, to send Tom to Dover, with such
- instructions as you shall think proper.
- After a good night's repose I was well recovered, to the great
- satisfaction of all that were with me.
- The good-natured Quaker, always studious to serve and oblige me, got up
- about five o'clock in the morning, and going down into the inn-yard, met
- with Tom, gave him his instructions, and he set out for Dover before six
- o'clock.
- As we were at the best inn in the city, so we could readily have
- whatever we pleased, and whatever the season afforded; but my husband,
- the most indulgent man that ever breathed, having observed how heartily
- I ate my dinner at Rochester two days before, ordered the very same bill
- of fare, and of which I made a heartier meal than I did before. We were
- very merry, and after we had dined, we went to see the town-house, but
- as it was near five o'clock I left the Quaker behind me, to receive what
- intelligence she could get concerning my daughter, from the footman, who
- was expected to return from Dover at six.
- We came to the inn just as it was dark, and then excusing myself to my
- husband, I immediately ran up into my chamber, where I had appointed the
- Quaker to be against my return. I ran to her with eagerness, and
- inquired what news from Dover, by Tom, the footman.
- She said, Tom had been returned two hours; that he got to Dover that
- morning between seven and eight, and found, at the inn he put up at,
- there had been an inquisitive young woman to find out a gentleman that
- was a Dutch merchant, and a lady who was her mother; that the young
- woman perfectly well described his lady; that he found that she had
- visited every public inn in the town; that she said she would go to
- Deal, and that if she did not find the lady, her mother, there, she
- would go by the first ship to the Hague, and go from thence, to
- Amsterdam and Rotterdam, searching all the towns through which she
- passed in the United Provinces.
- This account pleased me very well, especially when I understood that she
- had been gone from Dover five days. The Quaker comforted me, and said it
- was lucky this busy creature had passed the road before us, otherwise
- she might easily have found means to have overtaken us, for, as she
- observed, the wench had such an artful way of telling her story, that
- she moved everybody to compassion; and she did not doubt but that if we
- had been before, as we were behind, she would have got those who would
- have assisted her with a coach, &c., to have pursued us, and they might
- have come up with us.
- I was of the honest Quaker's sentiments. I grew pretty easy, called Tom,
- and gave him half a guinea for his diligence; then I and the Quaker went
- into the parlour to my husband, and soon after supper came in, and I
- ate moderately, and we spent the remainder of the evening, for the clock
- had then tolled nine, very cheerfully; for my Quaker was so rejoiced at
- my good fortune, as she called it, that she was very alert, and
- exceeding good company; and her wit, and she had no small share of it, I
- thought was better played off than ever I had heard it before.
- My husband asked me how I should choose to go on board; I desired him to
- settle it as he pleased, telling him it was a matter of very great
- indifference to me, as he was to go with me. "That may be true, my
- dear," says he, "but I ask you for a reason or two, which I will lay
- before you, viz., if we hire a vessel for ourselves, we may set sail
- when we please, have the liberty of every part of the ship to ourselves,
- and land at what port, either in Holland or France, we might make choice
- of. Besides," added he, "another reason I mention it to you is, that I
- know you do not love much company, which, in going into the packet-boat,
- it is almost impossible to avoid." "I own, my dear," said I, "your
- reasons are very good; I have but one thing to say against them, which
- is, that the packet-boat, by its frequent voyages, must of course be
- furnished with experienced seamen, who know the seas too well even to
- run any hazard." (At this juncture the terrible voyage I and Amy made
- from France to Harwich came so strong in my mind, that I trembled so as
- to be taken notice of by my husband.) "Besides," added I, "the landlord
- may send the master of one of them to you, and I think it may be best to
- hire the state cabin, as they call it, to ourselves, by which method we
- shall avoid company, without we have an inclination to associate
- ourselves with such passengers we may happen to like; and the expense
- will be much cheaper than hiring a vessel to go the voyage with us
- alone, and every whit as safe."
- The Quaker, who had seriously listened to our discourse, gave it as her
- opinion that the method I had proposed was by far the safest, quickest,
- and cheapest. "Not," said she, "as I think thou wouldest be against any
- necessary expense, though I am certain thou wouldest not fling thy money
- away."
- Soon after, my husband ordered the landlord to send for one of the
- masters of the packet-boats, of whom he hired the great cabin, and
- agreed to sail from thence the next day, if the wind and the tide
- answered.
- The settling our method of going over sea had taken up the time till the
- dinner was ready, which we being informed of, came out of a chamber we
- had been in all the morning, to a handsome parlour, where everything was
- placed suitable to our rank; there was a large, old-fashioned service of
- plate, and a sideboard genteelly set off. The dinner was excellent, and
- well dressed.
- After dinner, we entered into another discourse, which was the hiring of
- servants to go with us from Dover to Paris; a thing frequently done by
- travellers; and such are to be met with at every stage inn. Our footmen
- set out this morning on their return to London, and the Quaker and coach
- was to go the next day. My new chambermaid, whose name was Isabel, was
- to go through the journey, on condition of doing no other business than
- waiting on me. In a while we partly concluded to let the hiring of
- men-servants alone till we came to Calais, for they could be of no use
- to us on board a ship, the sailor's or cabin boy's place being to attend
- the cabin passengers as well as his master.
- To divert ourselves, we took a walk after we had dined, round about the
- town, and coming to the garrison, and being somewhat thirsty, all went
- into the sutler's for a glass of wine. A pint was called for and
- brought; but the man of the house came in with it raving like a madman,
- saying, "Don't you think you are a villain, to ask for a pot of ale when
- I know you have spent all your money, and are ignorant of the means of
- getting more, without you hear of a place, which I look upon to be very
- unlikely?" "Don't be in such a passion, landlord," said my husband.
- "Pray, what is the matter?" "Oh, nothing, sir," says he; "but a young
- fellow in the sutling room, whom I find to have been a gentleman's
- servant, wants a place; and having spent all his money, would willingly
- run up a score with me, knowing I must get him a master if ever I intend
- to have my money." "Pray, sir," said my husband, "send the young fellow
- to me; if I like him, and can agree with him, it is possible I may take
- him into my service." The landlord took care we should not speak to him
- twice, he went and fetched him in himself, and my husband examined him
- before he spoke, as to his size, mien, and garb. The young man was clean
- dressed, of a middling stature, a dark complexion, and about
- twenty-seven years old.
- "I hear, young man," says he to him, "that you want a place; it may
- perhaps be in my power to serve you. Let me know at once what education
- you have had, if you have any family belonging to you, or if you are fit
- for a gentleman's service, can bring any person of reputation to your
- character, and are willing to go and live in Holland with me: we will
- not differ about your wages."
- The young fellow made a respectful bow to each of us, and addressed
- himself to my husband as follows: "Sir," said he, "in me you behold the
- eldest child of misfortune. I am but young, as you may see; I have no
- comers after me, and having lived with several gentlemen, some of whom
- are on their travels, others settled in divers parts of the world,
- besides what are dead, makes me unable to produce a character without a
- week's notice to write to London, and I should not doubt but by the
- return of the post to let you see some letters as would satisfy you in
- any doubts about me. My education," continued he, "is but very middling,
- being taken from school before I had well learnt to read, write, and
- cast accounts; and as to my parentage, I cannot well give you any
- account of them: all that I know is, that my father was a brewer, and by
- his extravagance ran out a handsome fortune, and afterwards left my poor
- mother almost penniless, with five small children, of which I was the
- second, though not above five years old. My mother knew not what to do
- with us, so she sent a poor girl, our maid, whose name I have forgot
- this many years, with us all to a relation's, and there left us, and I
- never saw or heard of or from them any more. Indeed, I inquired among
- the neighbours, and all that I could learn was that my mother's goods
- were seized, that she was obliged to apply to the parish for relief, and
- died of grief soon after. For my part," says he, "I was put into the
- hands of my father's sister, where, by her cruel usage, I was forced to
- run away at nine years of age; and the numerous scenes of life I have
- since gone through are more than would fill a small volume. Pray, sir,"
- added he, "let it satisfy you that I am thoroughly honest, and should be
- glad to serve you at any rate; and although I cannot possibly get a good
- character from anybody at present, yet I defy the whole world to give me
- an ill one, either in public or private life."
- If I had had the eyes of Argus I should have seen with them all on this
- occasion. I knew that this was my son, and one that, among all my
- inquiry, I could never get any account of. The Quaker seeing my colour
- come and go, and also tremble, said, "I verily believe thou art not
- well; I hope this Kentish air, which was always reckoned aguish, does
- not hurt thee?" "I am taken very sick of a sudden," said I; "so pray let
- me go to our inn that I may go to my chamber." Isabel being called in,
- she and the Quaker attended me there, leaving the young fellow with my
- spouse. When I was got into my chamber I was seized with such a grief as
- I had never known before; and flinging myself down upon the bed, burst
- into a flood of tears, and soon after fainted away. Soon after, I came a
- little to myself, and the Quaker begged of me to tell her what was the
- cause of my sudden indisposition. "Nothing at all," says I, "as I know
- of; but a sudden chilliness seized my blood, and that, joined to a
- fainting of the spirits, made me ready to sink."
- Presently after my husband came to see how I did, and finding me
- somewhat better, he told me that he had a mind to hire the young man I
- had left him with, for he believed he was honest and fit for our
- service. "My dear," says I, "I did not mind him. I would desire you to
- be cautious who we pick up on the road; but as I have the satisfaction
- of hiring my maids, I shall never trouble myself with the men-servants,
- that is wholly your province. However," added I (for I was very certain
- he was my son, and was resolved to have him in my service, though it was
- my interest to keep my husband off, in order to bring him on), "if you
- like the fellow, I am not averse to your hiring one servant in England.
- We are not obliged to trust him with much before we see his conduct,
- and if he does not prove as you may expect, you may turn him off
- whenever you please." "I believe," said my husband, "he has been
- ingenuous in his relation to me; and as a man who has seen great variety
- of life, and may have been the shuttlecock of fortune, the butt of envy,
- and the mark of malice, I will hire him when he comes to me here anon,
- as I have ordered him."
- As I knew he was to be hired, I resolved to be out of the way when he
- came to my husband; so about five o'clock I proposed to the Quaker to
- take a walk on the pier and see the shipping, while the tea-kettle was
- boiling. We went, and took Isabel with us, and as we were going along I
- saw my son Thomas (as I shall for the future call him) going to our inn;
- so we stayed out about an hour, and when we returned my husband told me
- he had hired the man, and that he was to come to him as a servant on the
- morrow morning. "Pray, my dear," said I, "did you ask where he ever
- lived, or what his name is?" "Yes," replied my husband, "he says his
- name is Thomas ----; and as to places, he has mentioned several families
- of note, and among others, he lived at my Lord ----'s, next door to the
- great French lady's in Pall Mall, whose name he tells me was Roxana." I
- was now in a sad dilemma, and was fearful I should be known by my own
- son; and the Quaker took notice of it, and afterwards told me she
- believed fortune had conspired that all the people I became acquainted
- with, should have known the Lady Roxana. "I warrant," said she, "this
- young fellow is somewhat acquainted with the impertinent wench that
- calls herself thy daughter."
- I was very uneasy in mind, but had one thing in my favour, which was
- always to keep myself at a very great distance from my servants; and as
- the Quaker was to part with us the next day or night, he would have
- nobody to mention the name Roxana to, and so of course it would drop.
- We supped pretty late at night, and were very merry, for my husband said
- all the pleasant things he could think of, to divert me from the
- supposed illness he thought I had been troubled with in the day. The
- Quaker kept up the discourse with great spirit, and I was glad to
- receive the impression, for I wanted the real illness to be drove out of
- my head.
- The next morning, after breakfast, Thomas came to his new place. He
- appeared very clean, and brought with him a small bundle, which I
- supposed to be linen tied up in a handkerchief. My husband sent him to
- order some porters belonging to the quay to fetch our boxes to the
- Custom-house, where they were searched, for which we paid one shilling;
- and he had orders to give a crown for head money, as they called it;
- their demand by custom is but sixpence a head, but we appeared to our
- circumstances in everything. As soon as our baggage was searched, it was
- carried from the Custom-house on board the packet-boat, and there
- lodged in the great cabin as we had ordered it.
- This took up the time till dinner, and when we were sitting together
- after we had both dined, the captain came to tell us that the wind was
- very fair, and that he was to sail at high water, which would be about
- ten o'clock at night. My husband asked him to stay and drink part of a
- bottle of wine with him, which he did; and their discourse being all in
- the maritime strain, the Quaker and I retired and left them together,
- for I had something to remind her of in our discourse before we left
- London. When we got into the garden, which was rather neat than fine, I
- repeated all my former requests to her about my children, Spitalfields,
- Amy, &c., and we sat talking together till Thomas was sent to tell us
- the captain was going, on which we returned; but, by the way, I kissed
- her and put a large gold medal into her hand, as a token of my sincere
- love, and desired that she would never neglect the things she had
- promised to perform, and her repeated promise gave me great
- satisfaction.
- The captain, who was going out of the parlour as we returned in, was
- telling my husband he would send six of his hands to conduct us to the
- boat, about a quarter of an hour before he sailed, and as the moon was
- at the full, he did not doubt of a pleasant passage.
- Our next business was to pay off the coachman, to whom my husband gave
- half a guinea extraordinary, to set the Quaker down at the house he
- took us all up at, which he promised to perform.
- As it was low water, we went on board to see the cabin that we were to
- go our voyage in, and the captain would detain us to drink a glass of
- the best punch, I think, I ever tasted.
- When we returned to the inn, we ordered supper to be ready by eight
- o'clock, that we might drink a parting glass to settle it, before we
- went on board; for my husband, who knew the sea very well, said a full
- stomach was the forerunner of sea-sickness, which I was willing to
- avoid.
- We invited the landlord, his wife, and daughter, to supper with us, and
- having sat about an hour afterwards, the captain himself, with several
- sailors, came to fetch us to the vessel. As all was paid, we had nothing
- to hinder us but taking a final leave of the Quaker, who would go to see
- us safe in the vessel, where tears flowed from both our eyes; and I
- turned short in the boat, while my husband took his farewell, and he
- then followed me, and I never saw the Quaker or England any more.
- We were no sooner on board than we hoisted sail; the anchors being up,
- and the wind fair, we cut the waves at a great rate, till about four
- o'clock in the morning, when a French boat came to fetch the mail to
- carry it to the post-house, and the boat cast her anchors, for we were a
- good distance from the shore, neither could we sail to the town till
- next tide, the present one being too far advanced in the ebb.
- We might have gone on shore in the boat that carried the mail, but my
- husband was sleeping in the cabin when it came to the packet-boat, and I
- did not care to disturb him; however, we had an opportunity soon after,
- for my husband awaking, and two other boats coming up with oars to see
- for passengers, Thomas came to let us know we might go on shore, if we
- pleased. My husband paid the master of the packet-boat for our passage,
- and Thomas, with the sailors' assistance, got our boxes into the wherry,
- so we sailed for Calais; but before our boat came to touch ground,
- several men, whose bread I suppose it is, rushed into the water, without
- shoes or stockings, to carry us on shore; so having paid ten shillings
- for the wherry, we each of us was carried from the boat to the land by
- two men, and our goods brought after us; here was a crown to be paid, to
- save ourselves from being wet, by all which a man that is going a
- travelling may see that it is not the bare expense of the packet-boat
- that will carry him to Calais.
- It would be needless to inform the reader of all the ceremonies that we
- passed through at this place before we were suffered to proceed on our
- journey; however, our boxes having been searched at the Custom-house, my
- husband had them plumbed, as they called it, to hinder any further
- inquiry about them; and we got them all to the Silver Lion, a noted inn,
- and the post-house of this place, where we took a stage-coach for
- ourselves, and the next morning, having well refreshed ourselves, we
- all, viz., my husband, self, and chambermaid within the coach, and
- Thomas behind (beside which my husband hired two horsemen well armed,
- who were pretty expensive, to travel with us), set forward on our
- journey.
- We were five days on our journey from Calais to Paris, which we went
- through with much satisfaction, for, having fine weather and good
- attendance, we had nothing to hope for.
- When we arrived at Paris (I began to be sorry I had ever proposed going
- to it for fear of being known, but as we were to stay there but a few
- days, I was resolved to keep very retired), we went to a merchant's
- house of my husband's acquaintance in the Rue de la Bourle, near the
- Carmelites, in the Faubourg de St. Jacques.
- This being a remote part of the city, on the south side, and near
- several pleasant gardens, I thought it would be proper to be a little
- indisposed, that my husband might not press me to go with him to see the
- curiosities; for he could do the most needful business, such as going to
- the bankers to exchange bills, despatching of letters, settling affairs
- with merchants, &c., without my assistance; and I had a tolerable plea
- for my conduct, such as the great fatigue of our journey, being among
- strangers, &c.; so we stayed at Paris eight days without my going to any
- particular places, except going one day to the gardens of Luxembourg,
- another to the church of Notre Dame on the Isle of Paris, a third to the
- Hôtel Royale des Invalides, a fourth to the gardens of the Tuileries, a
- fifth to the suburbs of St. Lawrence, to see the fair which was then
- holding there; a sixth to the gardens of the Louvre, a seventh to the
- playhouse, and the eighth stayed all day at home to write a letter to
- the Quaker, letting her know where I then was, and how soon we should go
- forwards in our journey, but did not mention where we intended to
- settle, as, indeed, we had not yet settled that ourselves.
- One of the days, viz., that in which I went to the gardens of the
- Tuileries, I asked Thomas several questions about his father, mother,
- and other relations, being resolved, notwithstanding he was my own son,
- as he did not know it, to turn him off by some stratagem or another, if
- he had any manner of memory of me, either as his mother, or the Lady
- Roxana. I asked him if he had any particular memory of his mother or
- father; he answered, "No, I scarce remember anything of either of them,"
- said he, "but I have heard from several people that I had one brother
- and three sisters, though I never saw them all, to know them,
- notwithstanding I lived with an aunt four years; I often asked after my
- mother, and some people said she went away with a man, but it was
- allowed by most people, that best knew her, that she, being brought to
- the greatest distress, was carried to the workhouse belonging to the
- parish, where she died soon after with grief."
- Nothing could give me more satisfaction than what Thomas had related; so
- now, I thought I would ask about the Lady Roxana (for he had been my
- next-door neighbour when I had that title conferred on me). "Pray,
- Thomas," said I, "did not you speak of a great person of quality, whose
- name I have forgot, that lived next door to my Lord ----'s when you was
- his valet? pray who was she? I suppose a foreigner, by the name you
- called her." "Really, my lady," replied he, "I do not know who she was;
- all I can say of her is, that she kept the greatest company, and was a
- beautiful woman, by report, but I never saw her; she was called the Lady
- Roxana, was a very good mistress, but her character was not so good as
- to private life as it ought to be. Though I once had an opportunity,"
- continued he, "of seeing a fine outlandish dress she danced in before
- the king, which I took as a great favour, for the cook took me up when
- the lady was out, and she desired my lady's woman to show it to me."
- All this answered right, and I had nothing to do but to keep my Turkish
- dress out of the way, to be myself unknown to my child, for as he had
- never seen Roxana, so he knew nothing of me.
- In the interval, my husband had hired a stage-coach to carry us to the
- city of Menin, where he intended to go by water down the river Lys to
- Ghent, and there take coach to Isabella fort, opposite the city of
- Anvers, and cross the river to that place, and go from thence by land to
- Breda; and as he had agreed and settled this patrol, I was satisfied,
- and we set out next day. We went through several handsome towns and
- villages before we took water, but by water we went round part of the
- city of Courtrai, and several fortified towns. At Anvers we hired a
- coach to Breda, where we stayed two days to refresh ourselves, for we
- had been very much fatigued; as Willemstadt was situated so as to be
- convenient for our taking water for Rotterdam, we went there, and being
- shipped, had a safe and speedy voyage to that city.
- As we had resolved in our journey to settle at the Hague, we did not
- intend to stay any longer at Rotterdam, than while my husband had all
- our wealth delivered to him from the several merchants he had consigned
- it to. This business took up a month, during which time we lived in
- ready-furnished lodgings on the Great Quay, where all the respect was
- shown us as was due to our quality.
- Here my husband hired two more men-servants, and I took two maids, and
- turned Isabel, who was a well-bred, agreeable girl, into my companion;
- but that I might not be too much fatigued, my husband went to the Hague
- first, and left me, with three maids and Thomas, at Rotterdam, while he
- took a house, furnished it, and had everything ready for my reception,
- which was done with great expedition. One of his footmen came with a
- letter to me one morning, to let me know his master would come by the
- scow next day to take me home, in which he desired that I would prepare
- for my departure. I soon got everything ready, and the next morning, on
- the arrival of the scow, I saw my husband; and we both, with all the
- servants, left the city of Rotterdam, and safely got to the Hague the
- afternoon following.
- It was now the servants had notice given them to call me by the name of
- "my lady," as the honour of baronetage had entitled me, and with which
- title I was pretty well satisfied, but should have been more so had not
- I yet the higher title of countess in view.
- I now lived in a place where I knew nobody, neither was I known, on
- which I was pretty careful whom I became acquainted with; our
- circumstances were very good, my husband loving, to the greatest degree,
- my servants respectful; and, in short, I lived the happiest life woman
- could enjoy, had my former crimes never crept into my guilty conscience.
- I was in this happy state of life when I wrote a letter to the Quaker,
- in which I gave her a direction where she might send to me. And about a
- fortnight after, as I was one afternoon stepping into my coach in order
- to take an airing, the postman came to our door with letters, one of
- which was directed to me, and as soon as I saw it was the Quaker's hand,
- I bid the coachman put up again, and went into my closet to read the
- contents, which were as follows:
- "DEAR FRIEND,--I have had occasion to write to thee several times
- since we saw each other, but as this is my first letter, so it
- shall contain all the business thou wouldst know. I got safe to
- London, by thy careful ordering of the coach, and the attendants
- were not at all wanting in their duty. When I had been at home a
- few days, thy woman, Mrs. Amy, came to see me, so I took her to
- task as thou ordered me, about murdering thy pretended daughter;
- she declared her innocence, but said she had procured a false
- evidence to swear a large debt against her, and by that means had
- put her into a prison, and fee'd the keepers to hinder her from
- sending any letter or message out of the prison to any person
- whatever. This, I suppose, was the reason thou thought she was
- murdered, because thou wert relieved from her by this base usage.
- However, when I heard of it, I checked Amy very much, but was well
- satisfied to hear she was alive. After this I did not hear from Amy
- for above a month, and in the interim (as I knew thou wast safe), I
- sent a friend of mine to pay the debt, and release the prisoner,
- which he did, but was so indiscreet as to let her know who was the
- benefactress. My next care was to manage thy Spitalfields business,
- which I did with much exactness. And the day that I received thy
- last letter, Amy came to me again, and I read as much of it to her
- as she was concerned in: nay, I entreated her to drink tea with me,
- and after it one glass of citron, in which she drank towards thy
- good health, and she told me she would come to see thee as soon as
- possible. Just as she was gone, I was reading thy letter again in
- the little parlour, and that turbulent creature (thy pretended
- daughter) came to me, as she said, to return thanks for the favour
- I had done her, so I accidentally laid thy letter down in the
- window, while I went to fetch her a glass of cordial, for she
- looked sadly; and before I returned I heard the street door shut,
- on which I went back without the liquor, not knowing who might have
- come in, but missing her, I thought she might be gone to stand at
- the door, and the wind had blown it to; but I was never the nearer,
- she was sought for in vain. So when I believed her to be quite
- gone, I looked to see if I missed anything, which I did not; but at
- last, to my great surprise, I missed your letter, which she
- certainly took and made off with. I was so terrified at this
- unhappy chance that I fainted away, and had not one of my maidens
- come in at that juncture, it might have been attended with fatal
- consequences. I would advise thee to prepare thyself to see her,
- for I verily believe she will come to thee. I dread your knowing of
- this, but hope the best. Before I went to fetch the unhappy
- cordial, she told me, as she had often done before, that she was
- the eldest daughter, that the captain's wife was your second
- daughter, and her sister, and that the youngest sister was dead.
- She also said there were two brothers, the eldest of whom had never
- been seen by any of them since he run away from an uncle's at nine
- years of age, and that the youngest had been taken care of by an
- old lady that kept her coach, whom he took to be his godmother. She
- gave me a long history in what manner she was arrested and flung
- into Whitechapel jail, how hardly she fared there; and at length
- the keeper's wife, to whom she told her pitiful story, took
- compassion of her, and recommended her to the bounty of a certain
- lady who lived in that neighbourhood, that redeemed prisoners for
- small sums, and who lay for their fees, every return of the day of
- her nativity; that she was one of the six the lady had discharged;
- that the lady prompted her to seek after her mother; that she
- thereupon did seek thee in all the towns and villages between
- London and Dover; that not finding thee at Dover she went to Deal;
- and that at length, she being tired of seeking thee, she returned
- by shipping to London, where she was no sooner arrived but she was
- immediately arrested and flung into the Marshalsea prison, where
- she lived in a miserable condition, without the use of pen, ink,
- and paper, and without the liberty of having any one of her friends
- come near her. 'In this condition I was,' continued she, 'when you
- sent and paid my debt for me, and discharged me.' When she had
- related all this she fell into such a fit of crying, sighing, and
- sobbing, from which, when she was a little recovered, she broke out
- into loud exclamations against the wickedness of the people in
- England, that they could be so unchristian as to arrest her twice,
- when she said it was as true as the Gospel that she never did owe
- to any one person the sum of one shilling in all her life; that she
- could not think who it was that should owe her so much ill-will,
- for that she was not conscious to herself that she had any ways
- offended any person in the whole universal world, except Mrs. Amy,
- in the case of her mother, which, she affirmed, she was acquitted
- of by all men, and hoped she should be so by her Maker; and that if
- she (Mrs. Amy) had any hand in her sufferings, God would forgive
- her, as she heartily did. 'But then,' she added, 'I will not stay
- in England, I will go all over the world, I will go to France, to
- Paris; I know my mother did once live there, and if I do not find
- her there, I will go through Holland, to Amsterdam, to Rotterdam;
- in short, I will go till I find my mother out, if I should die in
- the pursuit.' I should be glad to hear of thine and thy spouse's
- welfare, and remain with much sincerity, your sincere friend,
- "M.P.
- "The ninth of the month called October.
- "P.S.--If thou hast any business to transact in this city, pray let
- me know; I shall use my best endeavours to oblige thee; my
- daughters all join with me in willing thee a hearty farewell."
- I concealed my surprise for a few minutes, only till I could get into
- the summer-house, at the bottom of our large garden; but when I was shut
- in, no living soul can describe the agony I was in, I raved, tore,
- fainted away, swore, prayed, wished, cried, and promised, but all
- availed nothing, I was now stuck in to see the worst of it, let what
- would happen.
- At last I came to the following resolution, which was to write a letter
- to the Quaker, and in it enclose a fifty pound bank-bill, and tell the
- Quaker to give that to the young woman if she called again, and also to
- let her know a fifty pound bill should be sent her every year, so long
- as she made no inquiry after me, and kept herself retired in England.
- Although this opened myself too full to the Quaker, yet I thought I had
- better venture my character abroad, than destroy my peace at home.
- Soon after, my husband came home, and he perceived I had been crying,
- and asked what was the reason. I told him that I had shed tears both
- for joy and sorrow: "For," said I, "I have received one of the
- tenderest letters from Amy, as it was possible for any person, and she
- tells me in it," added I, "that she will soon come to see me; which so
- overjoyed me, that I cried, and after it, I went to read the letter a
- second time, as I was looking out of the summer-house window over the
- canal; and in unfolding it, I accidentally let it fall in, by which
- mischance it is lost, for which I am very sorry, as I intended you
- should see it." "Pray, my dear," said he, "do not let that give you any
- uneasiness; if Amy comes, and you approve of it, you have my consent to
- take her into the house, in what capacity you please. I am very glad,"
- continued he, "that you have nothing of more consequence to be uneasy
- at, I fancy you would make but an indifferent helpmate if you had." Oh!
- thought I to myself, if you but knew half the things that lie on my
- conscience, I believe you would think that I bear them out past all
- example.
- About ten days afterwards, as we were sitting at dinner with two
- gentlemen, one of the footmen came to the door, and said, "My lady, here
- is a gentlewoman at the door who desires to speak with you: she says her
- name is Mrs. Amy."
- I no sooner heard her name, but I was ready to swoon away, but I ordered
- the footman to call Isabel, and ask the gentlewoman to walk up with her
- into my dressing-room; which he immediately did, and there I went to
- have my first interview with her. She kissed me for joy when she saw
- me, and I sent Isabel downstairs, for I was in pain till I had some
- private conversation with my old confidante.
- There was not much ceremony between us, before I told her all the
- material circumstances that had happened in her absence, especially
- about the girl's imprisonments which she had contrived, and how she had
- got my letter at the Quaker's, the very day she had been there. "Well,"
- says Amy, when I had told her all, "I find nothing is to ensue, if she
- lives, but your ruin; you would not agree to her death, so I will not
- make myself uneasy about her life; it might have been rectified, but you
- were angry with me for giving you the best of counsel, viz., when I
- proposed to murder her."
- "Hussy," said I, in the greatest passion imaginable, "how dare you
- mention the word murder? You wretch you, I could find in my heart, if my
- husband and the company were gone, to kick you out of my house. Have you
- not done enough to kill her, in throwing her into one of the worst jails
- in England, where, you see, that Providence in a peculiar manner
- appeared to her assistance. Away! thou art a wicked wretch; thou art a
- murderer in the sight of God."
- "I will say no more," says Amy, "but if I could have found her, after
- thy friend the Quaker had discharged her out of the Marshalsea prison, I
- had laid a scheme to have her taken up for a theft, and by that means
- got her transported for fourteen years. She will be with you soon, I am
- sure; I believe she is now in Holland."
- While we were in this discourse, I found the gentlemen who dined with us
- were going, so we came downstairs, and I went into the parlour to take
- leave of them before their departure. When they were gone, my husband
- told me he had been talking with them about taking upon him the title of
- Count or Earl of ----, as he had told me of, and as an opportunity now
- offered, he was going to put it in execution.
- I told him I was so well settled, as not to want anything this world
- could afford me, except the continuance of his life and love (though the
- very thing he had mentioned, joined with the death of my daughter, in
- the natural way, would have been much more to my satisfaction). "Well,
- my dear," says he, "the expense will be but small, and as I promised you
- the title, it shall not be long before the honour shall be brought home
- to your toilette." He was as good as his word, for that day week he
- brought the patent home to me, in a small box covered with crimson
- velvet and two gold hinges. "There, my lady countess," says he, "long
- may you live to bear the title, for I am certain you are a credit to
- it." In a few days after, I had the pleasure to see our equipage, as
- coach, chariot, &c., all new painted, and a coronet fixed at the proper
- place, and, in short, everything was proportioned to our quality, so
- that our house vied with most of the other nobility.
- It was at this juncture that I was at the pinnacle of all my worldly
- felicity, notwithstanding my soul was black with the foulest crimes.
- And, at the same time, I may begin to reckon the beginning of my
- misfortunes, which were in embryo, but were very soon brought forth, and
- hurried me on to the greatest distress.
- As I was sitting one day talking to Amy in our parlour, and the street
- door being left open by one of the servants, I saw my daughter pass by
- the window, and without any ceremony she came to the parlour door, and
- opening of it, came boldly in. I was terribly amazed, and asked her who
- she wanted, as if I had not known her, but Amy's courage was quite lost,
- and she swooned away. "Your servant, my lady," says she; "I thought I
- should never have had the happiness to see you _tête-à-tête_, till your
- agent, the Quaker, in Haydon Yard, in the Minories, carelessly left a
- direction for me in her own window; however, she is a good woman, for
- she released me out of a jail in which, I believe, that base wretch"
- (pointing to Amy, who was coming to herself) "caused me to be confined."
- As soon as Amy recovered, she flew at her like a devil, and between them
- there was so much noise as alarmed the servants, who all came to see
- what was the matter. Amy had pulled down one of my husband's swords,
- drawn it, and was just going to run her through the body, as the
- servants came in, who not knowing anything of the matter, some of them
- secured Amy, others held the girl, and the rest were busy about me, to
- prevent my fainting away, which was more than they could do, for I fell
- into strong fits, and in the interim they turned the girl out of the
- house, who was fully bent on revenge.
- My lord, as I now called him, was gone out a-hunting. I was satisfied he
- knew nothing of it, as yet, and when Amy and I were thoroughly come to
- ourselves, we thought it most advisable to find the girl out, and give
- her a handsome sum of money to keep her quiet. So Amy went out, but in
- all her searching could hear nothing of her; this made me very uneasy. I
- guessed she would contrive to see my lord before he came home, and so it
- proved, as you shall presently hear.
- When night came on, that I expected his return, I wondered I did not see
- him. Amy sat up in my chamber with me, and was as much concerned as was
- possible. Well, he did not come in all that night, but the next morning,
- about ten o'clock, he rapped at the door, with the girl along with him.
- When it was opened, he went into the great parlour, and bid Thomas go
- call down his lady. This was the crisis. I now summoned up all my
- resolution, and took Amy down with me, to see if we could not baffle the
- girl, who, to an inch, was her mother's own child.
- It will be necessary here to give a short account of our debate, because
- on it all my future misery depended, and it made me lose my husband's
- love, and own my daughter; who would not rest there, but told my lord
- how many brothers and sisters she had.
- When we entered the room, my lord was walking very gravely about it, but
- with his brows knit, and a wild confusion in his face, as if all the
- malice and revenge of a Dutchman had joined to put me out of countenance
- before I spoke a word.
- "Pray, madam," says he, "do you know this young woman? I expect a speedy
- and positive answer, without the least equivocation."
- "Really, my lord," replied I, "to give you an answer as quick as you
- desire, I declare I do not."
- "Do not!" said he, "what do you mean by that? She tells me that you are
- her mother, and that her father ran away from you, and left two sons,
- and two daughters besides herself, who were all sent to their relations
- for provision, after which you ran away with a jeweller to Paris. Do you
- know anything of this? answer me quickly."
- "My lord," said the girl, "there is Mrs. Amy, who was my mother's
- servant at the time (as she told me herself about three months ago),
- knows very well I am the person I pretend to be, and caused me to be
- thrown into jail for debts I knew nothing of, because I should not find
- out my mother to make myself known to her before she left England."
- After this she told my lord everything she knew of me, even in the
- character of Roxana, and described my dress so well, that he knew it to
- be mine.
- [Illustration: ROXANA IS CONFRONTED WITH HER DAUGHTER
- "_Pray, madam," says he, "do you know this young woman?_"]
- When she had quite gone through her long relation, "Well, madam,"
- says he, "now let me see if I cannot tell how far she has told the truth
- in relation to you. When I first became acquainted with you, it was on
- the sale of those jewels, in which I stood so much your friend, at a
- time that you were in the greatest distress, your substance being in the
- hands of the Jew; you then passed for a jeweller's widow; this agrees
- with her saying you ran away with a jeweller. In the next place, you
- would not consent to marry me about twelve years ago; I suppose then
- your real husband was living, for nothing else could tally with your
- condescension to me in everything except marriage. Since that time, your
- refusing to come to Holland in the vessel I had provided for you, under
- a distant prospect of your being with child, though in reality it was
- your having a child too much, as the captain told me of, when I, being
- ignorant of the case, did not understand him. Now," continued he, "she
- says that you are the identical Lady Roxana which made so much noise in
- the world, and has even described the robe and head-dress you wore on
- that occasion, and in that I know she is right; for, to my own
- knowledge, you have that very dress by you now; I having seen you
- dressed in it at our lodging at the Quaker's. From all these
- circumstances," says he, "I may be assured that you have imposed grossly
- upon me, and instead of being a woman of honour as I took you for, I
- find that you have been an abandoned wretch, and had nothing to
- recommend you but a sum of money and a fair countenance, joined to a
- false unrelenting heart."
- These words of my lord's struck such a damp upon my spirits, as made me
- unable to speak in my turn. But at last, I spoke as follows: "My lord, I
- have most patiently stood to hear all it was possible for you to allege
- against me, which has no other proof than imagination. That I was the
- wife of a brewer, I have no reason now to deny, neither had I any
- occasion before to acknowledge it. I brought him a handsome fortune,
- which, joined to his, made us appear in a light far superior to our
- neighbours. I had also five children by him, two sons and three
- daughters, and had my husband been as wise as rich, we might have lived
- happily together now. But it was not so, for he minded nothing but
- sporting, in almost every branch; and closely following of it soon run
- out all his substance, and then left me in an unhappy, helpless
- condition. I did not send my children to my relations till the greatest
- necessity drove me, and after that, hearing my husband was dead, I
- married the jeweller, who was afterwards murdered. If I had owned how
- many children I had, the jeweller would not have married me, and the way
- of life I was in would not keep my family, so I was forced to deny them
- in order to get them bread. Neither can I say that I have either heard
- or known anything of my children since, excepting that I heard they were
- all taken care of; and this was the very reason I would not marry you,
- when you offered it some years since, for these children lay seriously
- at my heart, and as I did not want money, my inclination was to come to
- England, and not entail five children upon you the day of marriage."
- "Pray, madam," said my lord, interrupting me, "I do not find that you
- kept up to your resolutions when you got there; you were so far from
- doing your duty as a parent, that you even neglected the civility of
- acquaintances, for they would have asked after them, but your whole
- scheme has been to conceal yourself as much as possible, and even when
- you were found out, denied yourself, as witness the case of your
- daughter here. As to the character of Lady Roxana, which you so nicely
- managed," said he, "did that become a woman that had five children,
- whose necessity had obliged you to leave them, to live in a continual
- scene of pageantry and riot, I could almost say debauchery? Look into
- your conduct, and see if you deserve to have the title or the estate you
- now so happily enjoy."
- After this speech, he walked about the room in a confused manner for
- some minutes, and then addressed himself to Amy. "Pray, Mrs. Amy," says
- he, "give me your judgment in this case, for although I know you are as
- much as possible in your lady's interest, yet I cannot think you have so
- little charity as to think she acted like a woman of worth and
- discretion. Do you really think, as you knew all of them from infants,
- that this young woman is your lady's daughter?"
- Amy, who always had spirits enough about her, said at once she believed
- the girl was my daughter. "And truly," says she, "I think your man
- Thomas is her eldest son, for the tale he tells of his birth and
- education suits exactly with our then circumstances."
- "Why, indeed," said my lord, "I believe so too, for I now recollect that
- when we first took him into our service at Dover, he told me he was the
- son of a brewer in London; that his father had run away from his mother,
- and left her in a distressed condition with five children, of which he
- was second child, or eldest son."
- Thomas was then called into the parlour, and asked what he knew of his
- family; he repeated all as above, concerning his father's running away
- and leaving me; but said that he had often asked and inquired after
- them, but without any success, and concluded, that he believed his
- brothers and sisters were distributed in several places, and that his
- mother died in the greatest distress, and was buried by the parish.
- "Indeed," said my lord, "it is my opinion that Thomas is one of your
- sons; do not you think the same?" addressing himself to me.
- "From the circumstances that have been related, my lord," said I, "I now
- believe that these are both my children; but you would have thought me a
- mad woman to have countenanced and taken this young woman in as my
- child, without a thorough assurance of it; for that would have been
- running myself to a certain expense and trouble, without the least
- glimpse of real satisfaction."
- "Pray," said my lord to my daughter, "let me know what is become of
- your brothers and sisters; give me the best account of them that you
- can."
- "My lord," replied she, "agreeably to your commands, I will inform you
- to the best of my knowledge; and to begin with myself, who am the eldest
- of the five. I was put to a sister of my father's with my youngest
- brother, who, by mere dint of industry, gave us maintenance and
- education, suitable to her circumstances; and she, with my uncle's
- consent, let me go to service when I was advanced in years; and among
- the variety of places I lived at, Lady Roxana's was one."
- "Yes," said Thomas, "I knew her there, when I was a valet at my Lord
- D----'s, the next door; it was there I became acquainted with her; and
- she, by the consent of the gentlewoman," pointing to Amy, "let me see
- the Lady Roxana's fine vestment, which she danced in at the grand ball."
- "Well," continued my daughter, "after I left this place, I was at
- several others before I became acquainted with Mrs. Amy a second time (I
- knew her before as Roxana's woman), who told me one day some things
- relating to my mother, and from thence I concluded if she was not my
- mother herself (as I at first thought she was), she must be employed by
- her; for no stranger could profess so much friendship, where there was
- no likelihood of any return, after being so many years asunder.
- "After this, I made it my business to find your lady out if possible,
- and was twice in her company, once on board the ship you were to have
- come to Holland in, and once at the Quaker's house in the Minories,
- London; but as I gave her broad hints of whom I took her for, and my
- lady did not think proper to own me, I began to think I was mistaken,
- till your voyage to Holland was put off. Soon after, I was flung into
- Whitechapel jail for a false debt, but, through the recommendation of
- the jailer's wife to the annual charity of the good Lady Roberts, of
- Mile End, I was discharged. Whereupon I posted away, seeking my mother
- all down the Kent Road as far as Dover and Deal, at which last place not
- finding her, I came in a coaster to London, and landing in Southwark,
- was immediately arrested, and confined in the Marshalsea prison, where I
- remained some time, deprived of every means to let any person without
- the prison know my deplorable state and condition, till my chum, a young
- woman, my bedfellow, who was also confined for debt, was, by a
- gentleman, discharged. This young woman of her own free will, went, my
- lord, to your lodgings in the Minories, and acquainted your landlady,
- the Quaker, where I was, and for what sum I was confined, who
- immediately sent and paid the pretended debt, and so I was a second time
- discharged. Upon which, going to the Quaker's to return her my thanks
- soon after a letter from your lady to her, with a direction in it where
- to find you, falling into my hands, I set out the next morning for the
- Hague; and I humbly hope your pardon, my lord, for the liberty I have
- taken; and you may be assured, that whatever circumstances of life I
- happen to be in, I will be no disgrace to your lordship or family."
- "Well," said my husband, "what can you say of your mother's second
- child, who, I hear, was a son?"
- "My lord," said I, "it is in my power to tell you, that Thomas there is
- the son you mention; their circumstances are the same, with this
- difference, that she was brought up under the care of a good aunt, and
- the boy forced to run away from a bad one, and shift for his bread ever
- since; so if she is my daughter, he is my son, and to oblige you, my
- lord, I own her, and to please myself I will own him, and they two are
- brother and sister." I had no sooner done speaking, than Thomas fell
- down before me, and asked my blessing, after which, he addressed himself
- to my lord as follows:
- "My lord," said he, "out of your abundant goodness you took me into your
- service at Dover. I told you then the circumstances I was in, which will
- save your lordship much time by preventing a repetition; but, if your
- lordship pleases, it shall be carefully penned down, for such a variety
- of incidents has happened to me in England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland,
- Holland, France, and the Isle of Man, in which I have travelled for
- about eighteen years past, as may prove an agreeable amusement to you,
- when you are cloyed with better company; for as I have never been
- anything above a common servant, so my stories shall only consist of
- facts, and such as are seldom to be met with, as they are all in low
- life."
- "Well, Thomas," said my lord, "take your own time to do it, and I will
- reward you for your trouble."
- "Now, madam," said my lord to my daughter, "if you please to proceed."
- "My lord," continued she, "my mother's third child, which was a
- daughter, lived with the relation I did, and got a place to wait upon a
- young lady whose father and mother were going to settle at Boulogne, in
- France; she went with them, and having stayed at this gentleman's (who
- was a French merchant) two years, was married to a man with the consent
- of the family she lived in; and her master, by way of fortune, got him
- to be master of a French and Holland coaster, and this was the very
- person whose ship you hired to come to Holland in; the captain's wife
- was my own sister, consequently my lady's second daughter; as to my
- youngest sister, she lived with the uncle and aunt Thomas ran away from,
- and died of the smallpox soon after. My youngest brother was put out
- apprentice to a carpenter, where he improved in his business, till a
- gentlewoman came to his master and mistress (which I take by the
- description they gave me, to be Mrs. Amy), who had him put out to an
- education fit for a merchant, and then sent him to the Indies, where he
- is now settled, and in a fair way to get a large estate. This, my lord,
- is the whole account I can at present give of them, and although it may
- seem very strange, I assure you, it is all the just truth."
- When she had finished her discourse, my lord turned to me, and said,
- that since I that was her mother had neglected doing my duty, though
- sought so much after, he would take it upon himself to see both the girl
- and Thomas provided for, without any advising or letting me know
- anything about them; and added, with a malicious sneer, "I must take
- care of the child I have had by you too, or it will have but an
- indifferent parent to trust to in case of my decease."
- This finished the discourse, and my lord withdrew into his study, in a
- humour that I am unable to describe, and left me, Amy, Thomas, and my
- daughter Susanna, as I must now call her, in the parlour together. We
- sat staring at each other some time, till at last Amy said, "I suppose,
- my lady, you have no farther business with your new daughter; she has
- told her story, and may now dispose of herself to the best advantage she
- can." "No," said I, "I have nothing to say to her, only that she shall
- never be admitted into my presence again." The poor girl burst out into
- tears, and said, "Pray, my lady, excuse me, for I am certain that were
- you in my circumstances, you would have done the very action I have, and
- would expect a pardon for committing the offence."
- After this, I said to Thomas, "Keep what has been said to yourself, and
- I shall speak to you by-and-by;" and then I withdrew, and went upstairs
- to my closet, leaving Amy with Susanna, who soon dismissed her, and
- followed me.
- When Amy came to me, "Now, my lady," says she, "what do you think of
- this morning's work? I believe my lord is not so angry as we were
- fearful of." "You are mistaken in your lord, Amy," said I, "and are not
- so well acquainted with the deep and premeditated revenge of Dutchmen as
- I am, and although it may not be my husband's temper, yet I dread it as
- much, but shall see more at dinner time."
- Soon after this, my husband called Thomas, and bid him order the cloth
- for his dinner to be laid in his study, and bid him tell his mother that
- he would dine by himself. When I heard this, I was more shocked than I
- had been yet. "Now his anger begins to work, Amy," said I, "how must I
- act?" "I do not know," answered she, "but I will go into the study, and
- try what can be done, and, as a faithful mediator, will try to bring you
- together." She was not long before she returned, and bursting into
- tears, "I know not what to do," says she, "for your husband is in a deep
- study, and when I told him you desired him to dine with you in the
- parlour as usual, he only said, 'Mrs. Amy, go to your lady, tell her to
- dine when and where she pleases, and pray obey her as your lady; but let
- her know from me that she has lost the tenderness I had for her as a
- wife, by the little thought she had of her children.'"
- Nothing could have shocked me more than the delivery of this message by
- Amy. I, almost bathed in tears, went to him myself; found him in a
- melancholy posture reading in Milton's "Paradise Regained." He looked at
- me very sternly when I entered his study, told me he had nothing to say
- to me at that time, and if I had a mind not to disturb him, I must leave
- him for the present. "My lord," said I, "supposing all that has been
- said by this girl was truth, what reason have you to be in this
- unforgiving humour? What have I done to you to deserve this usage? Have
- you found any fault with me since I had the happiness of being married
- to you? Did you ever find me in any company that you did not approve of?
- Have you any reason to think that I have wasted any of your substance?
- If you have none of these things to allege against me, for heaven's sake
- do not let us now make our lives unhappy, for my having had legitimate
- children by a lawful husband, at a time that you think it no crime to
- have had a natural son by me, which I had the most reason to repent of."
- I spoke the latter part of these words with a small air of authority,
- that he might think me the less guilty; but, I believe, he only looked
- on what I had said as a piece of heroism; for he soon after delivered
- himself in the following speech: "Madam, do you not think that you have
- used me in a very deceitful manner? If you think that I have not had
- that usage, I will, in a few words, prove the contrary. When first I
- knew you, soon after the jeweller's death at Paris, you never mentioned,
- in all that intricate affair I was engaged in for you, so much as your
- having any children; that, as your circumstances then were, could have
- done you no harm, but, on the contrary, it would have moved the
- compassion of your bitter enemy the Jew, if he had any. Afterwards, when
- I first saw you in London, and began to treat with you about marriage,
- your children, which, to all prudent women, are the first things
- provided for, were so far neglected as not to be spoken of, though mine
- were mentioned to you; and as our fortunes were very considerable, yours
- might very well have been put into the opposite scale with them. Another
- great piece of your injustice was when I offered to settle your own
- fortune upon yourself, you would not consent to it; I do not look on
- that piece of condescension out of love to me, but a thorough hatred you
- had to your own flesh and blood; and lastly, your not owning your
- daughter, though she strongly hinted who she was to you when she was
- twice in your company, and even followed you from place to place while
- you were in England. Now, if you can reconcile this piece of inhumanity
- with yourself, pray try what you can say to me about your never telling
- me the life you led in Pall Mall, in the character of Roxana? You
- scrupled to be happily married to me, and soon after came to England,
- and was a reputed whore to any nobleman that would come up to your
- price, and lived with one a considerable time, and was taken by several
- people to be his lawful wife. If any gentleman should ask me what I have
- taken to my bed, what must I answer? I must say an inhuman false-hearted
- whore, one that had not tenderness enough to own her own children, and
- has too little virtue, in my mind, to make a good wife.
- "I own I would," says he, "have settled your own estate upon you with
- great satisfaction, but I will not do it now; you may retire to your
- chamber, and when I have any occasion to speak with you, I will send a
- messenger to you; so, my undeserving lady countess, you may walk out of
- the room."
- I was going to reply to all this, but instead of hearing me, he began to
- speak against the Quaker, who, he supposed, knew all the intrigues of my
- life; but I cleared her innocence, by solemnly declaring it was a
- thorough reformation of my past life that carried me to live at the
- Quaker's house, who knew nothing of me before I went to live with her,
- and that she was, I believed, a virtuous woman.
- I went away prodigiously chagrined. I knew not what course to take; I
- found expostulation signified nothing, and all my hopes depended on what
- I might say to him after we were gone to bed at night. I sent in for
- Amy, and having told her our discourse, she said she knew not what to
- think of him, but hoped it would, by great submission, wear off by
- degrees. I could eat but little dinner, and Amy was more sorrowful than
- hungry, and after we had dined, we walked by ourselves in the garden,
- to know what we had best pursue. As we were walking about, Thomas came
- to us, and told us that the young woman who had caused all the words,
- had been at the door, and delivered a letter to my lord's footman, who
- had carried it upstairs, and that she was ordered to go to his lordship
- in his study, which struck me with a fresh and sensible grief. I told
- Thomas, as he was to be her brother, to learn what my lord had said to
- her, if he could, as she came down; on which he went into the house to
- obey his order.
- He was not gone in above a quarter of an hour before he came to me
- again, and told me she was gone, and that my lord had given her a purse
- of twenty guineas, with orders to live retired, let nobody know who or
- what she was, and come to him again in about a month's time. I was very
- much satisfied to hear this, and was in hopes of its proving a happy
- omen; and I was better pleased about two hours after, when Thomas came
- to me to let me know that my lord had given him thirty guineas, and bid
- him take off his livery, and new clothe himself, for he intended to make
- him his first clerk, and put him in the way of making his fortune. I now
- thought it was impossible for me to be poor, and was inwardly rejoiced
- that my children (meaning Thomas and Susanna) were in the high road to
- grow rich.
- As Amy and I had dined by ourselves, my lord kept his study all the day,
- and at night, after supper, Isabel came and told me that my lord's man
- had received orders to make his bed in the crimson room, which name it
- received from the colour of the bed and furniture, and was reserved
- against the coming of strangers, or sickness. When she had delivered her
- message she withdrew, and I told Amy it would be to no purpose to go to
- him again, but I would have her lie in a small bed, which I ordered
- immediately to be carried into my chamber. Before we went to bed, I went
- to his lordship to know why he would make us both look so little among
- our own servants, as to part, bed and board, so suddenly. He only said,
- "My Lady Roxana knows the airs of quality too well to be informed that a
- scandal among nobility does not consist in parting of beds; if you
- cannot lie by yourself, you may send a letter to my Lord ----, whom you
- lived with as a mistress in London; perhaps he may want a bedfellow as
- well as you, and come to you at once; you are too well acquainted with
- him to stand upon ceremony."
- I left him, with my heart full of malice, grief, shame, and revenge. I
- did not want a good will to do any mischief; but I wanted an unlimited
- power to put all my wicked thoughts in execution.
- Amy and I lay in our chamber, and the next morning at breakfast we were
- talking of what the servants (for there were thirteen of them in all,
- viz., two coachmen, four footmen, a groom, and postillion, two women
- cooks, two housemaids, and a laundry-maid, besides Isabel, who was my
- waiting-maid, and Amy, who acted as housekeeper) could say of the
- disturbance that was in the family. "Pho!" said Amy, "never trouble your
- head about that, for family quarrels are so common in noblemen's houses,
- both here and in England, that there are more families parted, both in
- bed and board, than live lovingly together. It can be no surprise to the
- servants, and if your neighbours should hear it, they will only think
- you are imitating the air of nobility, and have more of that blood in
- you than you appeared to have when you and your lord lived happily
- together."
- The time, I own, went very sluggishly on. I had no company but Amy and
- Isabel, and it was given out among the servants of noblemen and gentry
- that I was very much indisposed, for I thought it a very improper time
- either to receive or pay visits.
- In this manner I lived till the month was up that my daughter was to
- come again to my lord, for although I went morning, noon, and night,
- into his apartment to see him, I seldom had a quarter of an hour's
- discourse with him, and oftentimes one of his valets would be sent to
- tell me his lord was busy, a little before the time I usually went,
- which I found was to prevent my going in to him, but this was only when
- he was in an ill humour, as his man called it.
- Whether my lord used to make himself uneasy for want of mine or other
- company, I cannot tell, but the servants complained every day, as I
- heard by Amy, that his lordship ate little or nothing, and would
- sometimes shed tears when he sat down by himself to breakfast, dinner,
- or supper; and, indeed, I began to think that he looked very thin, his
- countenance grew pale, and that he had every other sign of a grieved or
- broken heart.
- My daughter came to him one Monday morning, and stayed with him in his
- study near two hours. I wondered at the reason of it, but could guess at
- nothing certain; and at last she went away, but I fixed myself so as to
- see her as she passed by me, and she appeared to have a countenance full
- of satisfaction.
- In the evening, when I went in as usual, he spoke to me in a freer style
- than he had done since our breach. "Well, madam" (for he had not used
- the words "my lady" at any time after my daughter's coming to our
- house), said he, "I think I have provided for your daughter." "As how,
- my lord, pray will you let me know?" said I. "Yes," replied he, "as I
- have reason to think you will be sorry to hear of her welfare in any
- shape, I will tell you. A gentleman who is going factor for the Dutch
- East India Company, on the coast of Malabar, I have recommended her to;
- and he, on my character and promise of a good fortune, will marry her
- very soon, for the Company's ships sail in about twelve days; so, in a
- fortnight, like a great many mothers as there are nowadays, you may
- rejoice at having got rid of one of your children, though you neither
- know where, how, or to whom."
- Although I was very glad my lord spoke to me at all, and more especially
- so at my daughter's going to be married, and settling in the Indies, yet
- his words left so sharp a sting behind them as was exceeding troublesome
- to me to wear off. I did not dare venture to make any further inquiries,
- but was very glad of what I heard, and soon bidding my lord goodnight,
- went and found Amy, who was reading a play in the chamber.
- I waited with the greatest impatience for this marriage; and when I
- found the day was fixed, I made bold to ask my lord if I should not be
- present in his chamber when the ceremony was performed. This favor was
- also denied me. I then asked my lord's chaplain to speak to him on that
- head, but he was deaf to his importunities, and bade him tell me that I
- very well knew his mind. The wedding was performed on a Wednesday
- evening, in my lord's presence, and he permitted nobody to be there but
- a sister of the bridegroom's, and Thomas (now my lord's secretary or
- chief clerk), who was brother to the bride, and who gave her away. They
- all supped together after the ceremony was over in the great
- dining-room, where the fortune was paid, which was £2000 (as I heard
- from Thomas afterwards), and the bonds for the performance of the
- marriage were redelivered.
- Next morning my lord asked me if I was willing to see my daughter before
- she sailed to the Indies. "My lord," said I, "as the seeing of her was
- the occasion of this great breach that has happened between us, so if
- your lordship will let me have a sight of her and a reconciliation with
- you at the same time, there is nothing can be more desirable to me, or
- would more contribute to my happiness during the rest of my life."
- "No, madam," says he, "I would have you see your daughter, to be
- reconciled to her, and give her your blessing (if a blessing can proceed
- from you) at parting; but our reconciliation will never be completed
- till one of us comes near the verge of life, if then; for I am a man
- that am never reconciled without ample amends, which is a thing that is
- not in your power to give, without you can alter the course of nature
- and recall time."
- On hearing him declare himself so open, I told him that my curse instead
- of my blessing would pursue my daughter for being the author of all the
- mischiefs that had happened between us. "No, madam," said he, "if you
- had looked upon her as a daughter heretofore, I should have had no
- occasion to have had any breach with you. The whole fault lies at your
- own door; for whatever your griefs may inwardly be, I would have you
- recollect they were of your own choosing."
- I found I was going to give way to a very violent passion, which would
- perhaps be the worse for me, so I left the room and went up to my own
- chamber, not without venting bitter reproaches both against my daughter
- and her unknown husband.
- However, the day she was to go on shipboard, she breakfasted with my
- lord, and as soon as it was over, and my lord was gone into his study to
- fetch something out, I followed him there, and asked him if he would
- give me leave to present a gold repeating watch to my daughter before
- she went away. I thought he seemed somewhat pleased with this piece of
- condescension in me, though it was done more to gain his goodwill than
- to express any value I had for her. He told me that he did not know who
- I could better make such a present to, and I might give it to her if I
- pleased. Accordingly I went and got it out of my cabinet in a moment,
- and bringing it to my lord, desired he would give it her from me. He
- asked me if I would not give it her myself. I told him no; I wished her
- very well, but had nothing to say to her till I was restored to his
- lordship's bed and board.
- About two hours after all this, the coach was ordered to the door, and
- my daughter and her new husband, the husband's sister, and my son
- Thomas, all went into it, in order to go to the house of a rich uncle of
- the bridegroom's, where they were to dine before they went on board, and
- my lord went there in a sedan about an hour after. And having eaten
- their dinner, which on this occasion was the most elegant, they all went
- on board the Indiaman, where my lord and my son Thomas stayed till the
- ship's crew was hauling in their anchors to sail, and then came home
- together in the coach, and it being late in the evening, he told Thomas
- he should sup with him that night, after which they went to bed in
- their several apartments.
- Next morning when I went to see my lord as usual, he told me that as he
- had handsomely provided for my daughter, and sent her to the Indies with
- a man of merit and fortune, he sincerely wished her great prosperity.
- "And," he added, "to let you see, madam, that I should never have parted
- from my first engagements of love to you, had you not laid yourself so
- open to censure for your misconduct, my next care shall be to provide
- for your son Thomas in a handsome manner, before I concern myself with
- my son by you."
- This was the subject of our discourse, with which I was very well
- pleased. I only wished my daughter had been married and sent to the
- Indies before I had married myself; but I began to hope that the worst
- would be over when Thomas was provided for too, and the son my lord had
- by me, who was now at the university, was at home; which I would have
- brought to pass could my will be obeyed, but I was not to enjoy that
- happiness.
- My lord and I lived with a secret discontent of each other for near a
- twelvemonth before I saw any provision made for my son Thomas, and then
- I found my lord bought him a very large plantation in Virginia, and was
- furnishing him to go there in a handsome manner; he also gave him four
- quarter parts in four large trading West India vessels, in which he
- boarded a great quantity of merchandise to traffic with when he came to
- the end of his journey, so that he was a very rich man before he (what
- we call) came into the world.
- The last article that was to be managed, was to engage my son to a wife
- before he left Holland; and it happened that the gentleman who was the
- seller of the plantation my husband bought, had been a Virginia planter
- in that colony a great many years; but his life growing on the decline,
- and his health very dubious, he had come to Holland with an intent to
- sell his plantation, and then had resolved to send for his wife, son,
- and daughter, to come to him with the return of the next ships. This
- gentleman had brought over with him the pictures of all his family,
- which he was showing to my lord at the same time he was paying for the
- effects; and on seeing the daughter's picture, which appeared to him
- very beautiful, my lord inquired if she was married. "No, my lord," says
- the planter, "but I believe I shall dispose of her soon after she comes
- to me." "How old is your daughter?" said my lord. "Why, my lord,"
- replied the planter, "she is twenty-two years of age." Then my lord
- asked my son if he should like that young lady for a wife. "Nothing, my
- lord," said Thomas, "could lay a greater obligation upon me than your
- lordship's providing me with a wife."
- "Now, sir," said my lord to the planter, "what do you say to a match
- between this young gentleman and your daughter? Their ages are
- agreeable, and if you can, or will, give her more fortune than he has,
- his shall be augmented. You partly know his substance, by the money I
- have now paid you."
- This generous proposal of my lord's pleased the planter to a great
- degree, and he declared to my lord that he thought nothing could be a
- greater favour done him, for two reasons; one of which was, that he was
- certain the young gentleman was as good as he appeared, because he had
- taken for his plantation so large a sum of money as none but a gentleman
- could pay. The next reason was, that this marriage, to be performed as
- soon as my son arrived there, would be a great satisfaction to his wife,
- whose favourite the daughter was. "For," added he, "my wife will not
- only have the pleasure of seeing her daughter settled on what was our
- own hereditary estate, but also see her married to a man of substance,
- without the danger of crossing the seas to be matched to a person equal
- to herself."
- "Pray, sir," said my lord, "let me hear what fortune you are willing to
- give with your daughter; you have but two children, and I know you must
- be rich." "Why, my lord," replied the planter, "there is no denying
- that; but you must remember I have a son as well as a daughter to
- provide for, and he I intend to turn into the mercantile way as soon as
- he arrives safe from Virginia. I have, my lord," continued he, "a very
- large stock-in-trade there, as warehouses of tobacco, &c., lodged in the
- custom-houses of the ports, to the value of £7000, to which I will add
- £3000 in money, and I hope you will look upon that as a very competent
- estate; and when the young gentleman's fortune is joined to that, I
- believe he will be the richest man in the whole American colonies of his
- age."
- It was then considered between my lord and Thomas, that no woman with a
- quarter of that fortune would venture herself over to the West Indies
- with a man that had ten times as much; so it being hinted to the planter
- that my lord had agreed to the proposals, they promised to meet the next
- morning to settle the affair.
- In the evening, my lord, with Thomas in his company, hinted the above
- discourse to me. I was frightened almost out of my wits to think what a
- large sum of money had been laid out for my son, but kept what I thought
- to myself. It was agreed that my son was to marry the old planter's
- daughter, and a lawyer was sent for, with instructions to draw up all
- the writings for the marriage-settlement, &c., and the next morning a
- messenger came from the planter with a note to my lord, letting him
- know, if it was not inconvenient, he would wait on his lordship to
- breakfast. He came soon after with a Dutch merchant of great estate, who
- was our neighbour at The Hague, where they settled every point in
- question, and the articles were all drawn up and signed by the several
- parties the next day before dinner.
- There was nothing now remaining but my son's departure to his new
- plantation in Virginia. Great despatch was made that he might be ready
- to sail in one of his own ships, and take the advantage of an English
- convoy, which was almost ready to sail. My lord sent several valuable
- presents to my son's lady, as did her father; and as I was at liberty in
- this case to do as I would, and knowing my lord had a very great value
- for my son, I thought that the richer my presents were, the more he
- would esteem me (but there was nothing in it, the enmity he took against
- me had taken root in his heart); so I sent her a curious set of china,
- the very best I could buy, with a silver tea-kettle and lamp, tea-pot,
- sugar-dish, cream-pot, teaspoons, &c., and as my lord had sent a golden
- repeater, I added to it a golden equipage, with my lord's picture
- hanging to it, finely painted; (This was another thing I did purposely
- to please him, but it would not do.) A few days after, he came to take
- his leave of me, by my lord's order, and at my parting with him I shed
- abundance of tears, to think I was then in an almost strange place, no
- child that could then come near me, and under so severe a displeasure of
- my lord, that I had very little hopes of ever being friends with him
- again.
- My life did not mend after my son was gone; all I could do would not
- persuade my lord to have any free conversation with me. And at this
- juncture it was that the foolish jade Amy, who was now advanced in
- years, was catched in a conversation with one of my lord's men, which
- was not to her credit; for, it coming to his ears, she was turned out of
- the house by my lord's orders, and was never suffered to come into it
- again during his lifetime, and I did not dare to speak a word in her
- favour for fear he should retort upon me, "Like mistress, like maid."
- I could hear nothing of Amy for the first three months after she had
- left me, till one day, as I was looking out of a dining-room window, I
- saw her pass by, but I did not dare ask her to come in, for fear my lord
- should hear of her being there, which would have been adding fuel to the
- fire; however, she, looking up at the house, saw me. I made a motion to
- her to stay a little about the door, and in the meantime I wrote a note,
- and dropped it out of the window, in which I told her how I had lived in
- her absence, and desired her to write me a letter, and carry it the next
- day to my sempstress's house, who would take care to deliver it to me
- herself.
- I told Isabel that she should let me know when the milliner came again,
- for I had some complaints to her about getting up my best suit of
- Brussels lace nightclothes. On the Saturday following, just after I had
- dined, Isabel came into my apartment. "My lady," says she, "the milliner
- is in the parlour; will you be pleased to have her sent upstairs, or
- will your ladyship be pleased to go down to her?" "Why, send her up,
- Isabel," said I, "she is as able to come to me as I am to go to her; I
- will see her here."
- When the milliner came into my chamber, I sent Isabel to my
- dressing-room to fetch a small parcel of fine linen which lay there, and
- in the interim she gave me Amy's letter, which I put into my pocket,
- and, having pretended to be angry about my linen, I gave her the small
- bundle Isabel brought, and bid her be sure to do them better for the
- future.
- She promised me she would, and went about her business; and when she was
- gone, I opened Amy's letter, and having read it, found it was to the
- following purpose, viz., that she had opened a coffee-house, and
- furnished the upper part of it to let out in lodgings; that she kept two
- maids and a man, but that the trade of it did not answer as she had
- reason to expect; she was willing to leave it off, and retire into the
- country to settle for the rest of her life, but was continually harassed
- by such disturbance in her conscience as made her unfit to resolve upon
- anything, and wished there was a possibility for her to see me, that she
- might open her mind with the same freedom as formerly, and have my
- advice upon some particular affairs; and such-like discourse.
- It was a pretty while before I heard from Amy again, and when I did, the
- letter was in much the same strain as the former, excepting that things
- were coming more to a crisis; for she told me in it that her money was
- so out, that is, lent as ready money to traders, and trusted for liquors
- in her house, that if she did not go away this quarter, she should be
- obliged to run away the next. I very much lamented her unfortunate case,
- but that could be no assistance to her, as I had it not now in my power
- to see her when I would, or give her what I pleased, as it had always
- used to be; so all I could do was to wish her well, and leave her to
- take care of herself.
- About this time it was that I perceived my lord began to look very pale
- and meagre, and I had a notion he was going into a consumption, but did
- not dare tell him so, for fear he should say I was daily looking for his
- death, and was now overjoyed that I saw a shadow of it; nevertheless, he
- soon after began to find himself in a very bad state of health, for he
- said to me one morning, that my care would not last long, for he
- believed he was seized by a distemper it was impossible for him to get
- over. "My lord," said I, "you do not do me justice in imagining anything
- concerning me that does not tend to your own happiness, for if your body
- is out of order, my mind suffers for it." Indeed, had he died then,
- without making a will, it might have been well for me; but he was not so
- near death as that; and, what was worse, the distemper, which proved a
- consumption (which was occasioned chiefly by much study, watchings,
- melancholy thoughts, wilful and obstinate neglect of taking care of his
- body, and such like things), held him nine weeks and three days after
- this, before it carried him off.
- He now took country lodgings, most delightfully situated both for air
- and prospect, and had a maid and man to attend him. I begged on my knees
- to go with him, but could not get that favour granted; for, if I could,
- it might have been the means of restoring me to his favour, but our
- breach was too wide to be thoroughly reconciled, though I used all the
- endearing ways I had ever had occasion for to creep into his favour.
- Before he went out of town he locked and sealed up every room in the
- house, excepting my bedchamber, dressing-room, one parlour, and all the
- offices and rooms belonging to the servants; and, as he had now all my
- substance in his power, I was in a very poor state for a countess, and
- began to wish, with great sincerity, that I had never seen him, after I
- had lived so happy a life as I did at the Quaker's. For notwithstanding
- our estates joined together, when we were first married, amounted to
- £3376 per annum, and near £18,000 ready money, besides jewels, plate,
- goods, &c., of a considerable value, yet we had lived in a very high
- manner since our taking the title of earl and countess upon us; setting
- up a great house, and had a number of servants; our equipage, such as
- coach, chariot, horses, and their attendants; a handsome fortune my lord
- had given to my daughter, and a very noble one to my son, whom he loved
- very well, not for his being my son, but for the courteous behaviour of
- him in never aspiring to anything above a valet after he knew who he
- was, till my lord made him his secretary or clerk. Besides all these
- expenses, my lord, having flung himself into the trade to the Indies,
- both East and West, had sustained many great and uncommon losses,
- occasioned by his merchandise being mostly shipped in English bottoms;
- and that nation having declared war against the crown of Spain, he was
- one of the first and greatest sufferers by that power; so that, on the
- whole, our estate, which was as above, dwindled to about £1000 per
- annum, and our home stock, viz., about £17,000, was entirely gone. This,
- I believe, was another great mortification to his lordship, and one of
- the main things that did help to hasten his end; for he was observed,
- both by me and all his servants, to be more cast down at hearing of his
- losses, that were almost daily sent to him, than he was at what had
- happened between him and me.
- Nothing could give more uneasiness than the damage our estate sustained
- by this traffic. He looked upon it as a mere misfortune that no person
- could avoid; but I, besides that, thought it was a judgment upon me, to
- punish me in the loss of all my ill-got gain. But when I found that his
- own fortune began to dwindle as well as mine, I was almost ready to
- think it was possible his lordship might have been as wicked a liver as
- I had, and the same vengeance as had been poured upon me for my repeated
- crimes might also be a punishment for him.
- As his lordship was in a bad state of health, and had removed to a
- country lodging, his study and counting-house, as well as his other
- rooms, were locked and sealed up; all business was laid aside, excepting
- such letters as came to him were carried to his lordship to be opened,
- read, and answered. I also went to see him morning and evening, but he
- would not suffer me to stay with him a single night. I might have had
- another room in the same house, but was not willing the people who kept
- it should know that there was a misunderstanding between us; so I
- contented myself to be a constant visitor, but could not persuade him to
- forgive me the denying of my daughter, and acting the part of Roxana,
- because I had kept those two things an inviolable secret from him and
- everybody else but Amy, and it was carelessness in her conduct at last
- that was the foundation of all my future misery.
- As my lord's weakness increased, so his ill temper, rather than
- diminish, increased also. I could do nothing to please him, and began to
- think that he was only pettish because he found it was his turn to go
- out of the world first. A gentleman that lived near him, as well as his
- chaplain, persuaded him to have a physician, to know in what state his
- health was; and by all I could learn, the doctor told him to settle his
- worldly affairs as soon as he conveniently could. "For," says he,
- "although your death is not certain, still your life is very
- precarious."
- The first thing he did after this was to send for the son he had by me
- from the university. He came the week afterwards, and the tutor with
- him, to take care of his pupil. The next day after my lord came home,
- and sending for six eminent men that lived at The Hague he made his
- will, and signed it in the presence of them all; and they, with the
- chaplain, were appointed the executors of it, and guardians of my son.
- As I was in a great concern at his making his will unknown to me, and
- before we were friends, I thought of it in too serious a manner not to
- speak about it. I did not know where to apply first, but after mature
- consideration sent for the chaplain, and he coming to me, I desired he
- would give me the best intelligence he could about it. "My lady," said
- he, "you cannot be so unacquainted with the duty of my function, and the
- trust my lord has reposed in me, but you must know I shall go beyond my
- trust in relating anything of that nature to you; all that I can say on
- that head is, that I would have you make friends with my lord as soon as
- you possibly can, and get him to make another will, or else take the
- best care of yourself as lies in your power; for, I assure you, if his
- lordship dies, you are but poorly provided for."
- These last words of the chaplain's most terribly alarmed me. I knew not
- what to do; and, at last, as if I was to be guided by nothing but the
- furies, I went to his chamber, and after inquiring how he did, and
- hearing that he was far from well, I told him I had heard he had made
- his will. "Yes," said he, "I have; and what then?" "Why, my lord,"
- replied I, "I thought it would not have been derogatory to both our
- honours for you to have mentioned it to me before you did it, and have
- let me known in what manner you intended to settle your estate. This
- would have been but acting like a man to his wife, even if you had
- married me without a fortune; but as you received so handsomely with me,
- you ought to have considered it as my substance, as well as your own,
- that you were going to dispose of."
- My lord looked somewhat staggered at what I had said, and pausing a
- little while, answered, that he thought, and also looked upon it as a
- granted opinion, that after a man married a woman, all that she was in
- possession of was his, excepting he had made a prior writing or
- settlement to her of any part or all she was then possessed of.
- "Besides, my lady," added he, "I have married both your children, and
- given them very noble fortunes, especially your son. I have also had
- great losses in trade, both by sea and land, since you delivered your
- fortune to me, and even at this time, notwithstanding the appearance we
- make in the world, I am not worth a third of what I was when we came to
- settle in Holland; and then, here is our own son shall be provided for
- in a handsome manner by me; for I am thoroughly convinced there will be
- but little care taken of him if I leave anything in your power for that
- purpose: witness Thomas and Susanna."
- "My lord," said I, "I am not come into your chamber to know what care
- you have taken of our child. I do not doubt but you have acted like a
- father by it. What I would be informed in is, what I am to depend upon
- in case of your decease; which I, however, hope may be a great many
- years off yet." "You need not concern yourself about that," said he;
- "your son will take care that you shall not want; but yet, I will tell
- you, too," said he, "that it may prevent your wishing for my death. I
- have, in my will, left all I am possessed of in the world to my son,
- excepting £1500; out of that there is £500 for you, £500 among my
- executors, and the other £500 is to bury me, pay my funeral expenses,
- and what is overplus I have ordered to be equally divided among my
- servants."
- When I had heard him pronounce these words, I stared like one that was
- frightened out of his senses. "Five hundred pounds for me!" says I;
- "pray, what do you mean? What! am I, that brought you so handsome a
- fortune, to be under the curb of my son, and ask him for every penny I
- want? No, sir," said I, "I will not accept it. I expect to be left in
- full possession of one-half of your fortune, that I may live the
- remainder of my life like your wife." "Madam," replied my lord, "you may
- expect what you please. If you can make it appear since I found you out
- to be a jilt that I have looked upon you as my wife, everything shall be
- altered and settled just as you desire, which might then be called your
- will; but as the case now stands, the will is mine, and so it shall
- remain."
- I thought I should have sunk when I had heard him make this solemn and
- premeditated declaration. I raved like a mad woman, and, at the end of
- my discourse, told him that I did not value what could happen to me,
- even if I was forced to beg my bread, for I would stand the test of my
- own character; and as I could get nothing by being an honest woman, so
- I should not scruple to declare that "the son you have left what you
- have to is a bastard you had by me several years before we were
- married."
- "Oh," says he, "madam, do you think you can frighten me? no, not in the
- least; for if you ever mention anything of it, the title, as well as all
- the estate, will go to another branch of my family, and you will then be
- left to starve in good earnest, without having the least glimpse of hope
- to better your fortune; for," added he, "it is not very probable that
- you will be courted for a wife by any man of substance at these years;
- so if you have a mind to make yourself easy in your present
- circumstances, you must rest contented with what I have left you, and
- not prove yourself a whore to ruin your child, in whose power it will be
- to provide for you in a handsome manner, provided you behave yourself
- with that respect to him and me as you ought to do; for if any words
- arise about what I have done, I shall make a fresh will, and, as the
- laws of this nation will give me liberty, cut you off with a shilling."
- My own unhappiness, and his strong and lasting resentment, had kept me
- at high words, and flowing in tears, for some time; and as I was
- unwilling anybody should see me in that unhappy condition, I stayed
- coolly talking to him, till our son, who had been to several gentlemen's
- houses about my lord's business, came home to tell his father the
- success he had met with abroad. He brought in with him bank-notes to
- the amount of £12,000, which he had received of some merchants he held a
- correspondence with; at which my lord was well pleased, for he was
- pretty near out of money at this juncture. After our son had delivered
- the accounts and bills, and had withdrawn, I asked my lord, in a calm
- tone, to give me the satisfaction of knowing in what manner the losses
- he had complained to have suffered consisted. "You must consider, my
- lord," said I, "that according to what you have been pleased to inform
- me of, we are upwards of £2000 per annum, besides about £17,000 ready
- money, poorer than we were when we first came to settle in Holland."
- "You talk," replied my lord, "in a very odd manner. Do not you know that
- I had children of my own by a former wife? and of these I have taken so
- much care as to provide with very handsome fortunes, which are settled
- irrevocably upon them. I have, Providence be thanked, given each of them
- £5000, and that is laid in East India stock, sufficient to keep them
- genteelly, above the frowns of fortune, and free from the fear of want.
- This, joined to the money I mentioned to you before, as losses at sea,
- deaths, and bankruptcies, your children's fortunes, which are larger
- than my own children's, the buying the estate we live on, and several
- other things, which my receipts and notes will account for, as you may
- see after my decease. I have, to oblige you on this head, almost
- descended to particulars, which I never thought to have done; but as I
- have, rest yourself contented, and be well assured that I have not
- wilfully thrown any of your substance away."
- I could not tell what he meant by saying he had not wilfully thrown any
- of my substance away. These words puzzled me, for I found by his
- discourse I was to have but £500 of all I had brought him, at his
- decease, which I looked upon to be near at hand. I had but one thing
- that was any satisfaction to me, which was this: I was assured by him
- that he had not bestowed above the £15,000 he mentioned to me, on his
- children by his former wife; and, on an exact calculation, he made it
- appear that he had bestowed on my son Thomas alone near £13,000 in
- buying the plantation, shares in vessels, and merchandise, besides
- several valuable presents sent to his wife, both by him and me; and as
- for my daughter Susanna, she was very well married to a factor, with a
- fortune of £2000 (which was a great sum of money for a woman to have who
- was immediately to go to the East Indies), besides some handsome
- presents given to her both by him and me. In fact, her fortune was, in
- proportion, as large as her brother's, for there is but very few women
- in England or Holland with £2000 fortune that would venture to the coast
- of Malabar, even to have married an Indian king, much more to have gone
- over with a person that no one could tell what reception he might meet
- with, or might be recalled at the pleasure of the Company upon the least
- distaste taken by the merchants against him. Neither would I, though her
- own mother, hinder her voyage, for she had been the author of all the
- misfortunes that happened to me; and if my speaking a word would have
- saved her from the greatest torment, I believe I should have been quite
- silent. And I had but one reason to allege for the girl's going so
- hazardous a voyage, which is, she knew that the match was proposed by my
- lord, and if he had not thought it would have been advantageous for her,
- he would never have given £2000 to her husband as a fortune; and again,
- as my lord was the only friend she had in our family, she was cunning
- enough to know that the bare disobliging of him would have been her ruin
- for ever after; to which I may add, that it is possible, as she had made
- so much mischief about me, she was glad to get what she could and go out
- of the way, for fear my lord and I should be friends; which, if that had
- happened, she would have been told never to come to our house any more.
- As my lord's death began to be daily the discourse of the family, I
- thought that he might be more reconciled if I entered into the arguments
- again, pro and con, which we had together before. I did so, but all I
- could say was no satisfaction, till I importuned him on my knees, with a
- flood of tears. "Madam," said he, "what would you have me do?" "Do, my
- lord," said I, "only be so tender to my years and circumstances as to
- alter your will, or, at least, add a codicil to it; I desire nothing
- more, for I declare I had rather be a beggar, than live under my
- child's jurisdiction." To this he agreed with some reluctance, and he
- added a codicil to his will.
- This pleased me greatly, and gave me comfort, for I dreaded nothing so
- much, after all my high living, as being under any person, relation or
- stranger, and whether they exercised any power over me or not.
- I saw the lawyer come out of the chamber first, but was above asking him
- any questions; the next were the executors and chaplain. I asked the
- last how they came to have words. He did not answer me directly, but
- begged to know whose pleasure it was to have the codicil annexed. "It
- was mine, sir," replied I; "and it made me very uneasy before I could
- have the favour granted." He only replied by saying, "Ah! poor lady, the
- favour, as you are pleased to term it, is not calculated for any benefit
- to you; think the worst you can of it."
- I was terribly uneasy at what the chaplain had said, but I imagined to
- myself that I could not be worse off than I thought I should be before
- the codicil was annexed; and as he withdrew without saying any more, I
- was fain to rest satisfied with what I had heard, and that amounted to
- nothing.
- The next day after this the physicians that attended my lord told him it
- was time for him to settle his worldly affairs, and prepare himself for
- a hereafter. I now found all was over, and I had no other hopes of his
- life than the physicians' declaration of his being near his death. For
- it often happens that the gentlemen of the faculty give out that a man
- is near his death, to make the cure appear to be the effect of their
- great skill in distempers and medicine; as others, when they cannot find
- out the real disease, give out that a man's end is near, rather than
- discover their want of judgment; and this I thought might be the case
- with our doctors of physic.
- Our son was still kept from the university, and lodged at the house of
- one of his future guardians; but when he heard that his father was so
- near his end, he was very little out of his presence, for he dearly
- loved him. My lord sent the day before his death to lock and seal up all
- the doors in his dwelling house at The Hague; and the steward had
- orders, in case of my lord's decease, not to let anybody come in, not
- even his lady (who had for some time lodged in the same house with her
- lord), without an order from the executors.
- The keys of the doors were carried to him, and as he saw his death
- approach, he prepared for it, and, in fact, resigned up the keys of
- everything to the executors, and having bid them all a farewell, they
- were dismissed. The physicians waited; but as the verge of life
- approached, and it was out of their power to do him any service, he gave
- them a bill of £100 for the care they had taken of him, and dismissed
- them.
- I now went into the chamber, and kneeling by his bedside, kissed him
- with great earnestness, and begged of him, if ever I had disobliged him
- in any respect, to forgive me. He sighed, and said he most freely
- forgave me everything that I had reason to think I had offended him in;
- but he added, "If you had been so open in your conversation to me before
- our marriage as to discover your family and way of life, I know not but
- that I should have married you as I did. I might now have been in a good
- state of health, and you many years have lived with all the honours due
- to the Countess de Wintselsheim." These words drew tears from my eyes,
- and they being the last of any consequence he said, they had the greater
- impression upon me. He faintly bid me a long farewell, and said, as he
- had but a few moments to live, he hoped I would retire, and leave him
- with our son and chaplain. I withdrew into my own chamber, almost
- drowned in tears, and my son soon followed me out, leaving the chaplain
- with his father, offering up his prayers to Heaven for the receiving of
- his soul into the blessed mansions of eternal bliss.
- A few minutes after our son went into the chamber with me again, and
- received his father's last blessing. The chaplain now saw him departing,
- and was reading the prayer ordered by the Church for that occasion; and
- while he was doing it, my lord laid his head gently on the pillow, and
- turning on his left side, departed this life with all the calmness of a
- composed mind, without so much as a groan, in the fifty-seventh year of
- his age.
- As soon as he was dead an undertaker was sent for, by order of the
- executors, who met together immediately to open his will, and take care
- of all my son's effects. I was present when it was opened and read; but
- how terribly I was frightened at hearing the codicil repeated any person
- may imagine by the substance of it, which was to this effect; that if I
- had given me any more after his decease than the £500 he had left me,
- the £500 left to his executors, and the £1000 of my son's estate (which
- was now a year's interest), was to be given to such poor families at The
- Hague as were judged to be in the greatest want of it; not to be divided
- into equal sums, but every family to have according to their merit and
- necessity. But this was not all. My son was tied down much harder; for
- if it was known that he gave me any relief, let my condition be ever so
- bad, either by himself, by his order, or in any manner of way, device,
- or contrivance that he could think of, one-half of his estate, which was
- particularly mentioned, was to devolve to the executors for ever; and if
- they granted me ever so small a favour, that sum was to be equally
- divided among the several parishes where they lived, for the benefit of
- the poor.
- Any person would have been surprised to have seen how we all sat staring
- at each other; for though it was signed by all the executors, yet they
- did not know the substance of it till it was publicly read, excepting
- the chaplain; and he, as I mentioned before, had told me the codicil had
- better never have been added.
- I was now in a fine dilemma; had the title of a countess, with £500, and
- nothing else to subsist on but a very good wardrobe of clothes, which
- were not looked upon by my son and the executors to be my late lord's
- property, and which were worth, indeed, more than treble the sum I had
- left me.
- I immediately removed from the lodgings, and left them to bury the body
- when they thought proper, and retired to a lodging at a private
- gentleman's house, about a mile from The Hague. I was now resolved to
- find out Amy, being, as it were, at liberty; and accordingly went to the
- house where she had lived, and finding that empty, inquired for her
- among the neighbours, who gave various accounts of what had become of
- her; but one of them had a direction left at his house where she might
- be found. I went to the place and found the house shut up, and all the
- windows broken, the sign taken down, and the rails and benches pulled
- from before the door. I was quite ashamed to ask for her there, for it
- was a very scandalous neighbourhood, and I concluded that Amy had been
- brought to low circumstances, and had kept a house of ill-fame, and was
- either run away herself, or was forced to it by the officers of justice.
- However, as nobody knew me here, I went into a shop to buy some trifles,
- and asked who had lived in the opposite house (meaning Amy's). "Really,
- madam," says the woman, "I do not well know; but it was a woman who kept
- girls for gentlemen; she went on in that wickedness for some time, till
- a gentleman was robbed there of his watch and a diamond ring, on which
- the women were all taken up, and committed to the house of correction;
- but the young ones are now at liberty, and keep about the town." "Pray,"
- said I, "what may have become of the old beast that could be the ruin of
- those young creatures?" "Why, I do not well know," says she; "but I have
- heard that, as all her goods were seized upon, she was sent to the
- poorhouse; but it soon after appearing that she had the French disease
- to a violent degree, was removed to a hospital to be taken care of, but
- I believe she will never live to come out; and if she should be so
- fortunate, the gentleman that was robbed, finding that she was the
- guilty person, intends to prosecute her to the utmost rigour of the
- law."
- I was sadly surprised to hear this character of Amy; for I thought
- whatever house she might keep, that the heyday of her blood had been
- over. But I found that she had not been willing to be taken for an old
- woman, though near sixty years of age; and my not seeing or hearing from
- her for some time past was a confirmation of what had been told me.
- I went home sadly dejected, considering how I might hear of her. I had
- known her for a faithful servant to me, in all my bad and good fortune,
- and was sorry that at the last such a miserable end should overtake her,
- though she, as well as I, deserved it several years before.
- A few days after I went pretty near the place I had heard she was, and
- hired a poor woman to go and inquire how Amy ---- did, and whether she
- was likely to do well. The woman returned, and told me that the matron,
- or mistress, said, the person I inquired after died in a salivation two
- days before, and was buried the last night in the cemetery belonging to
- the hospital.
- I was very sorry to hear of Amy's unhappy and miserable death; for when
- she came first into my service she was really a sober girl, very witty
- and brisk, but never impudent, and her notions in general were good,
- till my forcing her, as it were, to have an intrigue with the jeweller.
- She had also lived with me between thirty and forty years, in the
- several stages of life as I had passed through; and as I had done
- nothing but what she was privy to, so she was the best person in the
- universal world to consult with and take advice from, as my
- circumstances now were.
- I returned to my lodgings much chagrined, and very disconsolate; for as
- I had for several years lived at the pinnacle of splendour and
- satisfaction, it was a prodigious heart-break to me now to fall from
- upwards of £3000 per annum to a poor £500 principal.
- A few days after this I went to see my son, the Earl of Wintselsheim. He
- received me in a very courteous (though far from a dutiful) manner. We
- talked together near an hour upon general things, but had no particular
- discourse about my late lord's effects, as I wanted to have. Among
- other things he told me that his guardians had advised him to go to the
- university for four years longer, when he would come of age, and his
- estate would be somewhat repaired; to which he said he had agreed; and
- for that purpose all the household goods and equipages were to be
- disposed of the next week, and the servants dismissed. I immediately
- asked if it would be looked upon as an encroachment upon his father's
- will if I took Isabel (who had been my waiting-maid ever since I came
- from England) to live with me. "No, my lady," very readily replied he;
- "as she will be dismissed from me, she is certainly at liberty and full
- freedom to do for herself as soon and in the best manner she possibly
- can." After this I stayed about a quarter of an hour with him, and then
- I sent for Isabel, to know if she would come and live with me on her
- dismission from her lord's. The girl readily consented, for I had always
- been a good mistress to her; and then I went to my own lodgings in my
- son's coach, which he had ordered to be got ready to carry me home.
- Isabel came, according to appointment, about ten days after, and told me
- the house was quite cleared both of men and movables, but said her lord
- (meaning my son) was not gone to the university as yet, but was at one
- of his guardians' houses, where he would stay about a month, and that he
- intended to make a visit before his departure, which he did, attended by
- my late chaplain; and I, being in handsome lodgings, received them with
- all the complaisance and love as was possible, telling them that time
- and circumstances having greatly varied with me, whatever they saw amiss
- I hoped they would be so good as to look over it at that time, by
- considering the unhappy situation of my affairs.
- After this visit was over, and I had myself and Isabel to provide for,
- handsome lodgings to keep (which were as expensive as they were fine),
- and nothing but my principal money to live on (I mean what I happened to
- have in my pocket at my lord's death, for I had not been paid my £500 as
- yet), I could not manage for a genteel maintenance as I had done some
- years before. I thought of divers things to lay my small sums out to
- advantage, but could fix on nothing; for it always happens that when
- people have but a trifle, they are very dubious in the disposal of it.
- Having been long resolving in my mind, I at last fixed on merchandise as
- the most genteel and profitable of anything else. Accordingly I went to
- a merchant who was intimate with my late lord, and letting him know how
- my circumstances were, he heartily condoled with me, and told me he
- could help me to a share in two ships--one was going a trading voyage to
- the coast of Africa, and the other a-privateering. I was now in a
- dilemma, and was willing to have a share in the trader, but was dubious
- of being concerned in the privateer; for I had heard strange stories
- told of the gentlemen concerned in that way of business. Nay, I had
- been told, but with what certainty I cannot aver, that there was a set
- of men who took upon them to issue ships, and as they always knew to
- what port they are bound, notice was sent to their correspondent abroad
- to order out their privateers on the coast the other sailed, and they
- knowing the loading, and the numbers of hands and guns were on board,
- soon made prizes of the vessels, and the profits were equally divided,
- after paying what was paid for their insurance, among them all.
- However, I at last resolved, by the merchant's advice, to have a share
- in the trader, and the next day he over-persuaded me to have a share in
- the privateer also. But that I may not lay out my money before I have
- it, it may not be amiss to observe that I went to the executors and
- received my £500 at an hour's notice, and then went to the merchant's to
- know what the shares would come to, and being told £1500, I was resolved
- to raise the money; so I went home, and, with my maid Isabel, in two
- days' time disposed of as many of my clothes as fetched me near £1100,
- which, joined to the above sum, I carried to the merchant's, where the
- writings were drawn, signed, sealed, and delivered to me in the presence
- of two witnesses, who went with me for that purpose. The ships were near
- ready for sailing; the trader was so well manned and armed, as well as
- the privateer, that the partners would not consent to insure them, and
- out they both sailed, though from different ports, and I depended on
- getting a good estate between them.
- When I was about this last ship a letter came from the count, my son,
- full of tender expressions of his duty to me, in which I was informed
- that he was going again to the university at Paris, where he should
- remain four years; after that he intended to make the tour of Europe,
- and then come and settle at The Hague. I returned him thanks in a letter
- for his compliment, wished him all happiness, and a safe return to
- Holland, and desired that he would write to me from time to time that I
- might hear of his welfare, which was all I could now expect of him. But
- this was the last time I heard from him, or he from me.
- In about a month's time the news came that the privateer (which sailed
- under British colours, and was divided into eight shares) had taken a
- ship, and was bringing it into the Texel, but that it accidentally
- foundered, and being chained to the privateer, had, in sinking, like to
- have lost that too. Two or three of the hands got on shore, and came to
- The Hague; but how terribly I was alarmed any one may judge, when I
- heard the ship the privateer had was the Newfoundland merchantman, as I
- had bought two shares in out of four. About two months after news was
- current about The Hague of a privateer or merchantman, one of them of
- the town, though not known which, having an engagement in the
- Mediterranean, in which action both the privateer and trader was lost.
- Soon after their names were publicly known, and, in the end, my partners
- heard that they were our ships, and unhappily sailing under false
- colours (a thing often practised in the time of war), and never having
- seen each other, had, at meeting, a very smart engagement, each fighting
- for life and honour, till two unfortunate shots; one of them, viz., the
- privateer, was sunk by a shot between wind and water, and the trader
- unhappily blown up by a ball falling in the powder-room. There were only
- two hands of the trader, and three of the privateer, that escaped, and
- they all fortunately met at one of the partners' houses, where they
- confirmed the truth of this melancholy story, and to me a fatal loss.
- What was to be done now? I had no money, and but few clothes left;
- there, was no hope of subsistence from my son or his guardians; they
- were tied down to be spectators of my misfortunes, without affording me
- any redress, even if they would.
- Isabel, though I was now reduced to the last penny, would live with me
- still, and, as I observed before and may now repeat, I was in a pretty
- situation to begin the world--upwards of sixty years of age, friendless,
- scanty of clothes, and but very little money.
- I proposed to Isabel to remove from lodgings and retire to Amsterdam,
- where I was not known, and might turn myself into some little way of
- business, and work for that bread now which had been too often
- squandered away upon very trifles. And upon consideration I found myself
- in a worse condition than I thought, for I had nothing to recommend me
- to Heaven, either in works or thoughts; had even banished from my mind
- all the cardinal and moral virtues, and had much more reason to hide
- myself from the sight of God, if possible, than I had to leave The
- Hague, that I might not be known of my fellow-creatures. And farther to
- hasten our removing to Amsterdam, I recollected I was involved in debt
- for money to purchase a share in the Newfoundland trader, which was
- lost, and my creditors daily threatened me with an arrest to make me pay
- them.
- I soon discharged my lodgings and went with Isabel to Amsterdam, where I
- thought, as I was advanced in years, to give up all I could raise in the
- world, and on the sale of everything I had to go into one of the
- Proveniers' houses, where I should be settled for life. But as I could
- not produce enough money for it, I turned it into a coffee-house near
- the Stadt-house, where I might have done well; but as soon as I was
- settled one of my Hague creditors arrested me for a debt of £75, and I
- not having a friend in the world of whom to raise the money, was, in a
- shameful condition, carried to the common jail, where poor Isabel
- followed me with showers of tears, and left me inconsolable for my great
- misfortunes. Here, without some very unforeseen accident, I shall never
- go out of it until I am carried to my grave, for which my much-offended
- God prepare me as soon as possible.
- _The continuation of the Life of Roxana, by Isabel Johnson, who had
- been her waiting-maid, from the time she was thrown into jail to
- the time of her death._
- After my lady, as it was my duty to call her, was thrown into jail for a
- debt she was unable to pay, she gave her mind wholly up to devotion.
- Whether it was from a thorough sense of her wretched state, or any other
- reason, I could never learn; but this I may say, that she was a sincere
- penitent, and in every action had all the behaviour of a Christian. By
- degrees all the things she had in the world were sold, and she began to
- find an inward decay upon her spirits. In this interval she repeated all
- the passages of her ill-spent life to me, and thoroughly repented of
- every bad action, especially the little value she had for her children,
- which were honestly born and bred. And having, as she believed, made her
- peace with God, she died with mere grief on the 2nd of July 1742, in the
- sixty-fifth year of her age, and was decently buried by me in the
- churchyard belonging to the Lutherans, in the city of Amsterdam.
- THE END.
- End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Fortunate Mistress (Parts 1 and 2), by
- Daniel Defoe
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