Agnes Grey

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Title: Agnes Grey
Author: Anne Bronte
Release Date: December 25, 2010 [eBook #767]
Language: English
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***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AGNES GREY***
Transcribed from the 1910 John Murray edition by David Price, email
ccx074@pglaf.org
_Facsimile of the Title-Page of the First Edition_, _which was issued_,
_together with_ ‘_Wuthering Heights_,’ _in three volumes_, ‘_Wuthering
Heights_’ _forming Volumes_ 1 _and_ 2.
AGNES GREY.
A NOVEL,
BY
ACTON BELL.
VOL. III.
* * * * *
LONDON:
THOMAS CAUTLEY NEWBY, PUBLISHER,
72, MORTIMER ST., CAVENDISH SQ.
* * * * *
1847.
[Picture: Birthplace of Charlotte, Emily and Anne Brontë, Thornton]
CHAPTER I—THE PARSONAGE
All true histories contain instruction; though, in some, the treasure may
be hard to find, and when found, so trivial in quantity, that the dry,
shrivelled kernel scarcely compensates for the trouble of cracking the
nut. Whether this be the case with my history or not, I am hardly
competent to judge. I sometimes think it might prove useful to some, and
entertaining to others; but the world may judge for itself. Shielded by
my own obscurity, and by the lapse of years, and a few fictitious names,
I do not fear to venture; and will candidly lay before the public what I
would not disclose to the most intimate friend.
My father was a clergyman of the north of England, who was deservedly
respected by all who knew him; and, in his younger days, lived pretty
comfortably on the joint income of a small incumbency and a snug little
property of his own. My mother, who married him against the wishes of
her friends, was a squire’s daughter, and a woman of spirit. In vain it
was represented to her, that if she became the poor parson’s wife, she
must relinquish her carriage and her lady’s-maid, and all the luxuries
and elegancies of affluence; which to her were little less than the
necessaries of life. A carriage and a lady’s-maid were great
conveniences; but, thank heaven, she had feet to carry her, and hands to
minister to her own necessities. An elegant house and spacious grounds
were not to be despised; but she would rather live in a cottage with
Richard Grey than in a palace with any other man in the world.
Finding arguments of no avail, her father, at length, told the lovers
they might marry if they pleased; but, in so doing, his daughter would
forfeit every fraction of her fortune. He expected this would cool the
ardour of both; but he was mistaken. My father knew too well my mother’s
superior worth not to be sensible that she was a valuable fortune in
herself: and if she would but consent to embellish his humble hearth he
should be happy to take her on any terms; while she, on her part, would
rather labour with her own hands than be divided from the man she loved,
whose happiness it would be her joy to make, and who was already one with
her in heart and soul. So her fortune went to swell the purse of a wiser
sister, who had married a rich nabob; and she, to the wonder and
compassionate regret of all who knew her, went to bury herself in the
homely village parsonage among the hills of ---. And yet, in spite of
all this, and in spite of my mother’s high spirit and my father’s whims,
I believe you might search all England through, and fail to find a
happier couple.
Of six children, my sister Mary and myself were the only two that
survived the perils of infancy and early childhood. I, being the younger
by five or six years, was always regarded as _the_ child, and the pet of
the family: father, mother, and sister, all combined to spoil me—not by
foolish indulgence, to render me fractious and ungovernable, but by
ceaseless kindness, to make me too helpless and dependent—too unfit for
buffeting with the cares and turmoils of life.
Mary and I were brought up in the strictest seclusion. My mother, being
at once highly accomplished, well informed, and fond of employment, took
the whole charge of our education on herself, with the exception of
Latin—which my father undertook to teach us—so that we never even went to
school; and, as there was no society in the neighbourhood, our only
intercourse with the world consisted in a stately tea-party, now and
then, with the principal farmers and tradespeople of the vicinity (just
to avoid being stigmatized as too proud to consort with our neighbours),
and an annual visit to our paternal grandfather’s; where himself, our
kind grandmamma, a maiden aunt, and two or three elderly ladies and
gentlemen, were the only persons we ever saw. Sometimes our mother would
amuse us with stories and anecdotes of her younger days, which, while
they entertained us amazingly, frequently awoke—in _me_, at least—a
secret wish to see a little more of the world.
I thought she must have been very happy: but she never seemed to regret
past times. My father, however, whose temper was neither tranquil nor
cheerful by nature, often unduly vexed himself with thinking of the
sacrifices his dear wife had made for him; and troubled his head with
revolving endless schemes for the augmentation of his little fortune, for
her sake and ours. In vain my mother assured him she was quite
satisfied; and if he would but lay by a little for the children, we
should all have plenty, both for time present and to come: but saving was
not my father’s forte. He would not run in debt (at least, my mother
took good care he should not), but while he had money he must spend it:
he liked to see his house comfortable, and his wife and daughters well
clothed, and well attended; and besides, he was charitably disposed, and
liked to give to the poor, according to his means: or, as some might
think, beyond them.
At length, however, a kind friend suggested to him a means of doubling
his private property at one stroke; and further increasing it, hereafter,
to an untold amount. This friend was a merchant, a man of enterprising
spirit and undoubted talent, who was somewhat straitened in his
mercantile pursuits for want of capital; but generously proposed to give
my father a fair share of his profits, if he would only entrust him with
what he could spare; and he thought he might safely promise that whatever
sum the latter chose to put into his hands, it should bring him in cent.
per cent. The small patrimony was speedily sold, and the whole of its
price was deposited in the hands of the friendly merchant; who as
promptly proceeded to ship his cargo, and prepare for his voyage.
My father was delighted, so were we all, with our brightening prospects.
For the present, it is true, we were reduced to the narrow income of the
curacy; but my father seemed to think there was no necessity for
scrupulously restricting our expenditure to that; so, with a standing
bill at Mr. Jackson’s, another at Smith’s, and a third at Hobson’s, we
got along even more comfortably than before: though my mother affirmed we
had better keep within bounds, for our prospects of wealth were but
precarious, after all; and if my father would only trust everything to
her management, he should never feel himself stinted: but he, for once,
was incorrigible.
What happy hours Mary and I have passed while sitting at our work by the
fire, or wandering on the heath-clad hills, or idling under the weeping
birch (the only considerable tree in the garden), talking of future
happiness to ourselves and our parents, of what we would do, and see, and
possess; with no firmer foundation for our goodly superstructure than the
riches that were expected to flow in upon us from the success of the
worthy merchant’s speculations. Our father was nearly as bad as
ourselves; only that he affected not to be so much in earnest: expressing
his bright hopes and sanguine expectations in jests and playful sallies,
that always struck me as being exceedingly witty and pleasant. Our
mother laughed with delight to see him so hopeful and happy: but still
she feared he was setting his heart too much upon the matter; and once I
heard her whisper as she left the room, ‘God grant he be not
disappointed! I know not how he would bear it.’
Disappointed he was; and bitterly, too. It came like a thunder-clap on
us all, that the vessel which contained our fortune had been wrecked, and
gone to the bottom with all its stores, together with several of the
crew, and the unfortunate merchant himself. I was grieved for him; I was
grieved for the overthrow of all our air-built castles: but, with the
elasticity of youth, I soon recovered the shock.
Though riches had charms, poverty had no terrors for an inexperienced
girl like me. Indeed, to say the truth, there was something exhilarating
in the idea of being driven to straits, and thrown upon our own
resources. I only wished papa, mamma, and Mary were all of the same mind
as myself; and then, instead of lamenting past calamities we might all
cheerfully set to work to remedy them; and the greater the difficulties,
the harder our present privations, the greater should be our cheerfulness
to endure the latter, and our vigour to contend against the former.
Mary did not lament, but she brooded continually over the misfortune, and
sank into a state of dejection from which no effort of mine could rouse
her. I could not possibly bring her to regard the matter on its bright
side as I did: and indeed I was so fearful of being charged with childish
frivolity, or stupid insensibility, that I carefully kept most of my
bright ideas and cheering notions to myself; well knowing they could not
be appreciated.
My mother thought only of consoling my father, and paying our debts and
retrenching our expenditure by every available means; but my father was
completely overwhelmed by the calamity: health, strength, and spirits
sank beneath the blow, and he never wholly recovered them. In vain my
mother strove to cheer him, by appealing to his piety, to his courage, to
his affection for herself and us. That very affection was his greatest
torment: it was for our sakes he had so ardently longed to increase his
fortune—it was our interest that had lent such brightness to his hopes,
and that imparted such bitterness to his present distress. He now
tormented himself with remorse at having neglected my mother’s advice;
which would at least have saved him from the additional burden of debt—he
vainly reproached himself for having brought her from the dignity, the
ease, the luxury of her former station to toil with him through the cares
and toils of poverty. It was gall and wormwood to his soul to see that
splendid, highly-accomplished woman, once so courted and admired,
transformed into an active managing housewife, with hands and head
continually occupied with household labours and household economy. The
very willingness with which she performed these duties, the cheerfulness
with which she bore her reverses, and the kindness which withheld her
from imputing the smallest blame to him, were all perverted by this
ingenious self-tormentor into further aggravations of his sufferings.
And thus the mind preyed upon the body, and disordered the system of the
nerves, and they in turn increased the troubles of the mind, till by
action and reaction his health was seriously impaired; and not one of us
could convince him that the aspect of our affairs was not half so gloomy,
so utterly hopeless, as his morbid imagination represented it to be.
The useful pony phaeton was sold, together with the stout, well-fed
pony—the old favourite that we had fully determined should end its days
in peace, and never pass from our hands; the little coach-house and
stable were let; the servant boy, and the more efficient (being the more
expensive) of the two maid-servants, were dismissed. Our clothes were
mended, turned, and darned to the utmost verge of decency; our food,
always plain, was now simplified to an unprecedented degree—except my
father’s favourite dishes; our coals and candles were painfully
economized—the pair of candles reduced to one, and that most sparingly
used; the coals carefully husbanded in the half-empty grate: especially
when my father was out on his parish duties, or confined to bed through
illness—then we sat with our feet on the fender, scraping the perishing
embers together from time to time, and occasionally adding a slight
scattering of the dust and fragments of coal, just to keep them alive.
As for our carpets, they in time were worn threadbare, and patched and
darned even to a greater extent than our garments. To save the expense
of a gardener, Mary and I undertook to keep the garden in order; and all
the cooking and household work that could not easily be managed by one
servant-girl, was done by my mother and sister, with a little occasional
help from me: only a little, because, though a woman in my own
estimation, I was still a child in theirs; and my mother, like most
active, managing women, was not gifted with very active daughters: for
this reason—that being so clever and diligent herself, she was never
tempted to trust her affairs to a deputy, but, on the contrary, was
willing to act and think for others as well as for number one; and
whatever was the business in hand, she was apt to think that no one could
do it so well as herself: so that whenever I offered to assist her, I
received such an answer as—‘No, love, you cannot indeed—there’s nothing
here you can do. Go and help your sister, or get her to take a walk with
you—tell her she must not sit so much, and stay so constantly in the
house as she does—she may well look thin and dejected.’
‘Mary, mamma says I’m to help you; or get you to take a walk with me; she
says you may well look thin and dejected, if you sit so constantly in the
house.’
‘Help me you cannot, Agnes; and I cannot go out with _you_—I have far too
much to do.’
‘Then let me help you.’
‘You cannot, indeed, dear child. Go and practise your music, or play
with the kitten.’
There was always plenty of sewing on hand; but I had not been taught to
cut out a single garment, and except plain hemming and seaming, there was
little I could do, even in that line; for they both asserted that it was
far easier to do the work themselves than to prepare it for me: and
besides, they liked better to see me prosecuting my studies, or amusing
myself—it was time enough for me to sit bending over my work, like a
grave matron, when my favourite little pussy was become a steady old cat.
Under such circumstances, although I was not many degrees more useful
than the kitten, my idleness was not entirely without excuse.
Through all our troubles, I never but once heard my mother complain of
our want of money. As summer was coming on she observed to Mary and me,
‘What a desirable thing it would be for your papa to spend a few weeks at
a watering-place. I am convinced the sea-air and the change of scene
would be of incalculable service to him. But then, you see, there’s no
money,’ she added, with a sigh. We both wished exceedingly that the
thing might be done, and lamented greatly that it could not. ‘Well,
well!’ said she, ‘it’s no use complaining. Possibly something might be
done to further the project after all. Mary, you are a beautiful drawer.
What do you say to doing a few more pictures in your best style, and
getting them framed, with the water-coloured drawings you have already
done, and trying to dispose of them to some liberal picture-dealer, who
has the sense to discern their merits?’
‘Mamma, I should be delighted if you think they _could_ be sold; and for
anything worth while.’
‘It’s worth while trying, however, my dear: do you procure the drawings,
and I’ll endeavour to find a purchaser.’
‘I wish _I_ could do something,’ said I.
‘You, Agnes! well, who knows? You draw pretty well, too: if you choose
some simple piece for your subject, I daresay you will be able to produce
something we shall all be proud to exhibit.’
‘But I have another scheme in my head, mamma, and have had long, only I
did not like to mention it.’
‘Indeed! pray tell us what it is.’
‘I should like to be a governess.’
My mother uttered an exclamation of surprise, and laughed. My sister
dropped her work in astonishment, exclaiming, ‘_You_ a governess, Agnes!
What can you be dreaming of?’
‘Well! I don’t see anything so _very_ extraordinary in it. I do not
pretend to be able to instruct great girls; but surely I could teach
little ones: and I should like it so much: I am so fond of children. Do
let me, mamma!’
‘But, my love, you have not learned to take care of _yourself _yet: and
young children require more judgment and experience to manage than elder
ones.’
‘But, mamma, I am above eighteen, and quite able to take care of myself,
and others too. You do not know half the wisdom and prudence I possess,
because I have never been tried.’
‘Only think,’ said Mary, ‘what would you do in a house full of strangers,
without me or mamma to speak and act for you—with a parcel of children,
besides yourself, to attend to; and no one to look to for advice? You
would not even know what clothes to put on.’
‘You think, because I always do as you bid me, I have no judgment of my
own: but only try me—that is all I ask—and you shall see what I can do.’
At that moment my father entered and the subject of our discussion was
explained to him.
‘What, my little Agnes a governess!’ cried he, and, in spite of his
dejection, he laughed at the idea.
‘Yes, papa, don’t _you_ say anything against it: I should like it so
much; and I am sure I could manage delightfully.’
‘But, my darling, we could not spare you.’ And a tear glistened in his
eye as he added—‘No, no! afflicted as we are, surely we are not brought
to that pass yet.’
‘Oh, no!’ said my mother. ‘There is no necessity whatever for such a
step; it is merely a whim of her own. So you must hold your tongue, you
naughty girl; for, though you are so ready to leave us, you know very
well we cannot part with _you_.’
I was silenced for that day, and for many succeeding ones; but still I
did not wholly relinquish my darling scheme. Mary got her drawing
materials, and steadily set to work. I got mine too; but while I drew, I
thought of other things. How delightful it would be to be a governess!
To go out into the world; to enter upon a new life; to act for myself; to
exercise my unused faculties; to try my unknown powers; to earn my own
maintenance, and something to comfort and help my father, mother, and
sister, besides exonerating them from the provision of my food and
clothing; to show papa what his little Agnes could do; to convince mamma
and Mary that I was not quite the helpless, thoughtless being they
supposed. And then, how charming to be entrusted with the care and
education of children! Whatever others said, I felt I was fully
competent to the task: the clear remembrance of my own thoughts in early
childhood would be a surer guide than the instructions of the most mature
adviser. I had but to turn from my little pupils to myself at their age,
and I should know, at once, how to win their confidence and affections:
how to waken the contrition of the erring; how to embolden the timid and
console the afflicted; how to make Virtue practicable, Instruction
desirable, and Religion lovely and comprehensible.
—Delightful task!
To teach the young idea how to shoot!
To train the tender plants, and watch their buds unfolding day by day!
Influenced by so many inducements, I determined still to persevere;
though the fear of displeasing my mother, or distressing my father’s
feelings, prevented me from resuming the subject for several days. At
length, again, I mentioned it to my mother in private; and, with some
difficulty, got her to promise to assist me with her endeavours. My
father’s reluctant consent was next obtained, and then, though Mary still
sighed her disapproval, my dear, kind mother began to look out for a
situation for me. She wrote to my father’s relations, and consulted the
newspaper advertisements—her own relations she had long dropped all
communication with: a formal interchange of occasional letters was all
she had ever had since her marriage, and she would not at any time have
applied to them in a case of this nature. But so long and so entire had
been my parents’ seclusion from the world, that many weeks elapsed before
a suitable situation could be procured. At last, to my great joy, it was
decreed that I should take charge of the young family of a certain Mrs.
Bloomfield; whom my kind, prim aunt Grey had known in her youth, and
asserted to be a very nice woman. Her husband was a retired tradesman,
who had realized a very comfortable fortune; but could not be prevailed
upon to give a greater salary than twenty-five pounds to the instructress
of his children. I, however, was glad to accept this, rather than refuse
the situation—which my parents were inclined to think the better plan.
But some weeks more were yet to be devoted to preparation. How long, how
tedious those weeks appeared to me! Yet they were happy ones in the
main—full of bright hopes and ardent expectations. With what peculiar
pleasure I assisted at the making of my new clothes, and, subsequently,
the packing of my trunks! But there was a feeling of bitterness mingling
with the latter occupation too; and when it was done—when all was ready
for my departure on the morrow, and the last night at home approached—a
sudden anguish seemed to swell my heart. My dear friends looked so sad,
and spoke so very kindly, that I could scarcely keep my eyes from
overflowing: but I still affected to be gay. I had taken my last ramble
with Mary on the moors, my last walk in the garden, and round the house;
I had fed, with her, our pet pigeons for the last time—the pretty
creatures that we had tamed to peck their food from our hands: I had
given a farewell stroke to all their silky backs as they crowded in my
lap. I had tenderly kissed my own peculiar favourites, the pair of
snow-white fantails; I had played my last tune on the old familiar piano,
and sung my last song to papa: not the last, I hoped, but the last for
what appeared to me a very long time. And, perhaps, when I did these
things again it would be with different feelings: circumstances might be
changed, and this house might never be my settled home again. My dear
little friend, the kitten, would certainly be changed: she was already
growing a fine cat; and when I returned, even for a hasty visit at
Christmas, would, most likely, have forgotten both her playmate and her
merry pranks. I had romped with her for the last time; and when I
stroked her soft bright fur, while she lay purring herself to sleep in my
lap, it was with a feeling of sadness I could not easily disguise. Then
at bed-time, when I retired with Mary to our quiet little chamber, where
already my drawers were cleared out and my share of the bookcase was
empty—and where, hereafter, she would have to sleep alone, in dreary
solitude, as she expressed it—my heart sank more than ever: I felt as if
I had been selfish and wrong to persist in leaving her; and when I knelt
once more beside our little bed, I prayed for a blessing on her and on my
parents more fervently than ever I had done before. To conceal my
emotion, I buried my face in my hands, and they were presently bathed in
tears. I perceived, on rising, that she had been crying too: but neither
of us spoke; and in silence we betook ourselves to our repose, creeping
more closely together from the consciousness that we were to part so
soon.
But the morning brought a renewal of hope and spirits. I was to depart
early; that the conveyance which took me (a gig, hired from Mr. Smith,
the draper, grocer, and tea-dealer of the village) might return the same
day. I rose, washed, dressed, swallowed a hasty breakfast, received the
fond embraces of my father, mother, and sister, kissed the cat—to the
great scandal of Sally, the maid—shook hands with her, mounted the gig,
drew my veil over my face, and then, but not till then, burst into a
flood of tears. The gig rolled on; I looked back; my dear mother and
sister were still standing at the door, looking after me, and waving
their adieux. I returned their salute, and prayed God to bless them from
my heart: we descended the hill, and I could see them no more.
‘It’s a coldish mornin’ for you, Miss Agnes,’ observed Smith; ‘and a
darksome ’un too; but we’s happen get to yon spot afore there come much
rain to signify.’
‘Yes, I hope so,’ replied I, as calmly as I could.
‘It’s comed a good sup last night too.’
‘Yes.’
‘But this cold wind will happen keep it off.’
‘Perhaps it will.’
Here ended our colloquy. We crossed the valley, and began to ascend the
opposite hill. As we were toiling up, I looked back again; there was the
village spire, and the old grey parsonage beyond it, basking in a
slanting beam of sunshine—it was but a sickly ray, but the village and
surrounding hills were all in sombre shade, and I hailed the wandering
beam as a propitious omen to my home. With clasped hands I fervently
implored a blessing on its inhabitants, and hastily turned away; for I
saw the sunshine was departing; and I carefully avoided another glance,
lest I should see it in gloomy shadow, like the rest of the landscape.
CHAPTER II—FIRST LESSONS IN THE ART OF INSTRUCTION
As we drove along, my spirits revived again, and I turned, with pleasure,
to the contemplation of the new life upon which I was entering. But
though it was not far past the middle of September, the heavy clouds and
strong north-easterly wind combined to render the day extremely cold and
dreary; and the journey seemed a very long one, for, as Smith observed,
the roads were ‘very heavy’; and certainly, his horse was very heavy too:
it crawled up the hills, and crept down them, and only condescended to
shake its sides in a trot where the road was at a dead level or a very
gentle slope, which was rarely the case in those rugged regions; so that
it was nearly one o’clock before we reached the place of our destination.
Yet, after all, when we entered the lofty iron gateway, when we drove
softly up the smooth, well-rolled carriage-road, with the green lawn on
each side, studded with young trees, and approached the new but stately
mansion of Wellwood, rising above its mushroom poplar-groves, my heart
failed me, and I wished it were a mile or two farther off. For the first
time in my life I must stand alone: there was no retreating now. I must
enter that house, and introduce myself among its strange inhabitants.
But how was it to be done? True, I was near nineteen; but, thanks to my
retired life and the protecting care of my mother and sister, I well knew
that many a girl of fifteen, or under, was gifted with a more womanly
address, and greater ease and self-possession, than I was. Yet, if Mrs.
Bloomfield were a kind, motherly woman, I might do very well, after all;
and the children, of course, I should soon be at ease with them—and Mr.
Bloomfield, I hoped, I should have but little to do with.
‘Be calm, be calm, whatever happens,’ I said within myself; and truly I
kept this resolution so well, and was so fully occupied in steadying my
nerves and stifling the rebellious flutter of my heart, that when I was
admitted into the hall and ushered into the presence of Mrs. Bloomfield,
I almost forgot to answer her polite salutation; and it afterwards struck
me, that the little I did say was spoken in the tone of one half-dead or
half-asleep. The lady, too, was somewhat chilly in her manner, as I
discovered when I had time to reflect. She was a tall, spare, stately
woman, with thick black hair, cold grey eyes, and extremely sallow
complexion.
With due politeness, however, she showed me my bedroom, and left me there
to take a little refreshment. I was somewhat dismayed at my appearance
on looking in the glass: the cold wind had swelled and reddened my hands,
uncurled and entangled my hair, and dyed my face of a pale purple; add to
this my collar was horridly crumpled, my frock splashed with mud, my feet
clad in stout new boots, and as the trunks were not brought up, there was
no remedy; so having smoothed my hair as well as I could, and repeatedly
twitched my obdurate collar, I proceeded to clomp down the two flights of
stairs, philosophizing as I went; and with some difficulty found my way
into the room where Mrs. Bloomfield awaited me.
She led me into the dining-room, where the family luncheon had been laid
out. Some beefsteaks and half-cold potatoes were set before me; and
while I dined upon these, she sat opposite, watching me (as I thought)
and endeavouring to sustain something like a conversation—consisting
chiefly of a succession of commonplace remarks, expressed with frigid
formality: but this might be more my fault than hers, for I really could
_not_ converse. In fact, my attention was almost wholly absorbed in my
dinner: not from ravenous appetite, but from distress at the toughness of
the beefsteaks, and the numbness of my hands, almost palsied by their
five-hours’ exposure to the bitter wind. I would gladly have eaten the
potatoes and let the meat alone, but having got a large piece of the
latter on to my plate, I could not be so impolite as to leave it; so,
after many awkward and unsuccessful attempts to cut it with the knife, or
tear it with the fork, or pull it asunder between them, sensible that the
awful lady was a spectator to the whole transaction, I at last
desperately grasped the knife and fork in my fists, like a child of two
years old, and fell to work with all the little strength I possessed.
But this needed some apology—with a feeble attempt at a laugh, I said,
‘My hands are so benumbed with the cold that I can scarcely handle my
knife and fork.’
‘I daresay you would find it cold,’ replied she with a cool, immutable
gravity that did not serve to reassure me.
When the ceremony was concluded, she led me into the sitting-room again,
where she rang and sent for the children.
‘You will find them not very far advanced in their attainments,’ said
she, ‘for I have had so little time to attend to their education myself,
and we have thought them too young for a governess till now; but I think
they are clever children, and very apt to learn, especially the little
boy; he is, I think, the flower of the flock—a generous, noble-spirited
boy, one to be led, but not driven, and remarkable for always speaking
the truth. He seems to scorn deception’ (this was good news). ‘His
sister Mary Ann will require watching,’ continued she, ‘but she is a very
good girl upon the whole; though I wish her to be kept out of the nursery
as much as possible, as she is now almost six years old, and might
acquire bad habits from the nurses. I have ordered her crib to be placed
in your room, and if you will be so kind as to overlook her washing and
dressing, and take charge of her clothes, she need have nothing further
to do with the nursery maid.’
I replied I was quite willing to do so; and at that moment my young
pupils entered the apartment, with their two younger sisters. Master Tom
Bloomfield was a well-grown boy of seven, with a somewhat wiry frame,
flaxen hair, blue eyes, small turned-up nose, and fair complexion. Mary
Ann was a tall girl too, somewhat dark like her mother, but with a round
full face and a high colour in her cheeks. The second sister was Fanny,
a very pretty little girl; Mrs. Bloomfield assured me she was a
remarkably gentle child, and required encouragement: she had not learned
anything yet; but in a few days, she would be four years old, and then
she might take her first lesson in the alphabet, and be promoted to the
schoolroom. The remaining one was Harriet, a little broad, fat, merry,
playful thing of scarcely two, that I coveted more than all the rest—but
with her I had nothing to do.
I talked to my little pupils as well as I could, and tried to render
myself agreeable; but with little success I fear, for their mother’s
presence kept me under an unpleasant restraint. They, however, were
remarkably free from shyness. They seemed bold, lively children, and I
hoped I should soon be on friendly terms with them—the little boy
especially, of whom I had heard such a favourable character from his
mamma. In Mary Ann there was a certain affected simper, and a craving
for notice, that I was sorry to observe. But her brother claimed all my
attention to himself; he stood bolt upright between me and the fire, with
his hands behind his back, talking away like an orator, occasionally
interrupting his discourse with a sharp reproof to his sisters when they
made too much noise.
‘Oh, Tom, what a darling you are!’ exclaimed his mother. ‘Come and kiss
dear mamma; and then won’t you show Miss Grey your schoolroom, and your
nice new books?’
‘I won’t kiss _you_, mamma; but I _will_ show Miss Grey my schoolroom,
and my new books.’
‘And _my_ schoolroom, and _my_ new books, Tom,’ said Mary Ann. ‘They’re
mine too.’
‘They’re _mine_,’ replied he decisively. ‘Come along, Miss Grey—I’ll
escort you.’
When the room and books had been shown, with some bickerings between the
brother and sister that I did my utmost to appease or mitigate, Mary Ann
brought me her doll, and began to be very loquacious on the subject of
its fine clothes, its bed, its chest of drawers, and other appurtenances;
but Tom told her to hold her clamour, that Miss Grey might see his
rocking-horse, which, with a most important bustle, he dragged forth from
its corner into the middle of the room, loudly calling on me to attend to
it. Then, ordering his sister to hold the reins, he mounted, and made me
stand for ten minutes, watching how manfully he used his whip and spurs.
Meantime, however, I admired Mary Ann’s pretty doll, and all its
possessions; and then told Master Tom he was a capital rider, but I hoped
he would not use his whip and spurs so much when he rode a real pony.
‘Oh, yes, I will!’ said he, laying on with redoubled ardour. ‘I’ll cut
into him like smoke! Eeh! my word! but he shall sweat for it.’
This was very shocking; but I hoped in time to be able to work a
reformation.
‘Now you must put on your bonnet and shawl,’ said the little hero, ‘and
I’ll show you my garden.’
‘And _mine_,’ said Mary Ann.
Tom lifted his fist with a menacing gesture; she uttered a loud, shrill
scream, ran to the other side of me, and made a face at him.
‘Surely, Tom, you would not strike your sister! I hope I shall _never_
see you do that.’
‘You will sometimes: I’m obliged to do it now and then to keep her in
order.’
‘But it is not your business to keep her in order, you know—that is for—’
‘Well, now go and put on your bonnet.’
‘I don’t know—it is so very cloudy and cold, it seems likely to rain;—and
you know I have had a long drive.’
‘No matter—you _must_ come; I shall allow of no excuses,’ replied the
consequential little gentleman. And, as it was the first day of our
acquaintance, I thought I might as well indulge him. It was too cold for
Mary Ann to venture, so she stayed with her mamma, to the great relief of
her brother, who liked to have me all to himself.
The garden was a large one, and tastefully laid out; besides several
splendid dahlias, there were some other fine flowers still in bloom: but
my companion would not give me time to examine them: I must go with him,
across the wet grass, to a remote sequestered corner, the most important
place in the grounds, because it contained _his_ garden. There were two
round beds, stocked with a variety of plants. In one there was a pretty
little rose-tree. I paused to admire its lovely blossoms.
‘Oh, never mind that!’ said he, contemptuously. ‘That’s only _Mary
Ann’s_ garden; look, THIS is mine.’
After I had observed every flower, and listened to a disquisition on
every plant, I was permitted to depart; but first, with great pomp, he
plucked a polyanthus and presented it to me, as one conferring a
prodigious favour. I observed, on the grass about his garden, certain
apparatus of sticks and corn, and asked what they were.
‘Traps for birds.’
‘Why do you catch them?’
‘Papa says they do harm.’
‘And what do you do with them when you catch them?’
‘Different things. Sometimes I give them to the cat; sometimes I cut
them in pieces with my penknife; but the next, I mean to roast alive.’
‘And why do you mean to do such a horrible thing?’
‘For two reasons: first, to see how long it will live—and then, to see
what it will taste like.’
‘But don’t you know it is extremely wicked to do such things? Remember,
the birds can feel as well as you; and think, how would you like it
yourself?’
‘Oh, that’s nothing! I’m not a bird, and I can’t feel what I do to
them.’
‘But you will have to feel it some time, Tom: you have heard where wicked
people go to when they die; and if you don’t leave off torturing innocent
birds, remember, you will have to go there, and suffer just what you have
made them suffer.’
‘Oh, pooh! I shan’t. Papa knows how I treat them, and he never blames
me for it: he says it is just what _he_ used to do when _he_ was a boy.
Last summer, he gave me a nest full of young sparrows, and he saw me
pulling off their legs and wings, and heads, and never said anything;
except that they were nasty things, and I must not let them soil my
trousers: and Uncle Robson was there too, and he laughed, and said I was
a fine boy.’
‘But what would your mamma say?’
‘Oh, she doesn’t care! she says it’s a pity to kill the pretty singing
birds, but the naughty sparrows, and mice, and rats, I may do what I like
with. So now, Miss Grey, you see it is _not_ wicked.’
‘I still think it is, Tom; and perhaps your papa and mamma would think so
too, if they thought much about it. However,’ I internally added, ‘they
may say what they please, but I am determined you shall do nothing of the
kind, as long as I have power to prevent it.’
He next took me across the lawn to see his mole-traps, and then into the
stack-yard to see his weasel-traps: one of which, to his great joy,
contained a dead weasel; and then into the stable to see, not the fine
carriage-horses, but a little rough colt, which he informed me had been
bred on purpose for him, and he was to ride it as soon as it was properly
trained. I tried to amuse the little fellow, and listened to all his
chatter as complacently as I could; for I thought if he had any
affections at all, I would endeavour to win them; and then, in time, I
might be able to show him the error of his ways: but I looked in vain for
that generous, noble spirit his mother talked of; though I could see he
was not without a certain degree of quickness and penetration, when he
chose to exert it.
When we re-entered the house it was nearly tea-time. Master Tom told me
that, as papa was from home, he and I and Mary Ann were to have tea with
mamma, for a treat; for, on such occasions, she always dined at
luncheon-time with them, instead of at six o’clock. Soon after tea, Mary
Ann went to bed, but Tom favoured us with his company and conversation
till eight. After he was gone, Mrs. Bloomfield further enlightened me on
the subject of her children’s dispositions and acquirements, and on what
they were to learn, and how they were to be managed, and cautioned me to
mention their defects to no one but herself. My mother had warned me
before to mention them as little as possible to _her_, for people did not
like to be told of their children’s faults, and so I concluded I was to
keep silence on them altogether. About half-past nine, Mrs. Bloomfield
invited me to partake of a frugal supper of cold meat and bread. I was
glad when that was over, and she took her bedroom candlestick and retired
to rest; for though I wished to be pleased with her, her company was
extremely irksome to me; and I could not help feeling that she was cold,
grave, and forbidding—the very opposite of the kind, warm-hearted matron
my hopes had depicted her to be.
CHAPTER III—A FEW MORE LESSONS
I rose next morning with a feeling of hopeful exhilaration, in spite of
the disappointments already experienced; but I found the dressing of Mary
Ann was no light matter, as her abundant hair was to be smeared with
pomade, plaited in three long tails, and tied with bows of ribbon: a task
my unaccustomed fingers found great difficulty in performing. She told
me her nurse could do it in half the time, and, by keeping up a constant
fidget of impatience, contrived to render me still longer. When all was
done, we went into the schoolroom, where I met my other pupil, and
chatted with the two till it was time to go down to breakfast. That meal
being concluded, and a few civil words having been exchanged with Mrs.
Bloomfield, we repaired to the schoolroom again, and commenced the
business of the day. I found my pupils very backward, indeed; but Tom,
though averse to every species of mental exertion, was not without
abilities. Mary Ann could scarcely read a word, and was so careless and
inattentive that I could hardly get on with her at all. However, by dint
of great labour and patience, I managed to get something done in the
course of the morning, and then accompanied my young charge out into the
garden and adjacent grounds, for a little recreation before dinner.
There we got along tolerably together, except that I found they had no
notion of going with me: I must go with them, wherever they chose to lead
me. I must run, walk, or stand, exactly as it suited their fancy. This,
I thought, was reversing the order of things; and I found it doubly
disagreeable, as on this as well as subsequent occasions, they seemed to
prefer the dirtiest places and the most dismal occupations. But there
was no remedy; either I must follow them, or keep entirely apart from
them, and thus appear neglectful of my charge. To-day, they manifested a
particular attachment to a well at the bottom of the lawn, where they
persisted in dabbling with sticks and pebbles for above half an hour. I
was in constant fear that their mother would see them from the window,
and blame me for allowing them thus to draggle their clothes and wet
their feet and hands, instead of taking exercise; but no arguments,
commands, or entreaties could draw them away. If _she_ did not see them,
some one else did—a gentleman on horseback had entered the gate and was
proceeding up the road; at the distance of a few paces from us he paused,
and calling to the children in a waspish penetrating tone, bade them
‘keep out of that water.’ ‘Miss Grey,’ said he, ‘(I suppose it _is_ Miss
Grey), I am surprised that you should allow them to dirty their clothes
in that manner! Don’t you see how Miss Bloomfield has soiled her frock?
and that Master Bloomfield’s socks are quite wet? and both of them
without gloves? Dear, dear! Let me _request_ that in future you will
keep them _decent_ at least!’ so saying, he turned away, and continued
his ride up to the house. This was Mr. Bloomfield. I was surprised that
he should nominate his children Master and Miss Bloomfield; and still
more so, that he should speak so uncivilly to me, their governess, and a
perfect stranger to himself. Presently the bell rang to summon us in. I
dined with the children at one, while he and his lady took their luncheon
at the same table. His conduct there did not greatly raise him in my
estimation. He was a man of ordinary stature—rather below than above—and
rather thin than stout, apparently between thirty and forty years of age:
he had a large mouth, pale, dingy complexion, milky blue eyes, and hair
the colour of a hempen cord. There was a roast leg of mutton before him:
he helped Mrs. Bloomfield, the children, and me, desiring me to cut up
the children’s meat; then, after twisting about the mutton in various
directions, and eyeing it from different points, he pronounced it not fit
to be eaten, and called for the cold beef.
‘What is the matter with the mutton, my dear?’ asked his mate.
‘It is quite overdone. Don’t you taste, Mrs. Bloomfield, that all the
goodness is roasted out of it? And can’t you see that all that nice, red
gravy is completely dried away?’
‘Well, I think the _beef_ will suit you.’
The beef was set before him, and he began to carve, but with the most
rueful expressions of discontent.
‘What is the matter with the _beef_, Mr. Bloomfield? I’m sure I thought
it was very nice.’
‘And so it _was_ very nice. A nicer joint could not be; but it is
_quite_ spoiled,’ replied he, dolefully.
‘How so?’
‘How so! Why, don’t you see how it is cut? Dear—dear! it is quite
shocking!’
‘They must have cut it wrong in the kitchen, then, for I’m sure I carved
it quite properly here, yesterday.’
‘No _doubt_ they cut it wrong in the kitchen—the savages! Dear—dear!
Did ever any one see such a fine piece of beef so completely ruined? But
remember that, in future, when a decent dish leaves this table, they
shall not _touch_ it in the kitchen. Remember _that_, Mrs. Bloomfield!’
Notwithstanding the ruinous state of the beef, the gentleman managed to
out himself some delicate slices, part of which he ate in silence. When
he next spoke, it was, in a less querulous tone, to ask what there was
for dinner.
‘Turkey and grouse,’ was the concise reply.
‘And what besides?’
‘Fish.’
‘What kind of fish?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘_You don’t know_?’ cried he, looking solemnly up from his plate, and
suspending his knife and fork in astonishment.
‘No. I told the cook to get some fish—I did not particularize what.’
‘Well, that beats everything! A lady professes to keep house, and
doesn’t even know what fish is for dinner! professes to order fish, and
doesn’t specify what!’
‘Perhaps, Mr. Bloomfield, you will order dinner yourself in future.’
Nothing more was said; and I was very glad to get out of the room with my
pupils; for I never felt so ashamed and uncomfortable in my life for
anything that was not my own fault.
In the afternoon we applied to lessons again: then went out again; then
had tea in the schoolroom; then I dressed Mary Ann for dessert; and when
she and her brother had gone down to the dining-room, I took the
opportunity of beginning a letter to my dear friends at home: but the
children came up before I had half completed it. At seven I had to put
Mary Ann to bed; then I played with Tom till eight, when he, too, went;
and I finished my letter and unpacked my clothes, which I had hitherto
found no opportunity for doing, and, finally, went to bed myself.
But this is a very favourable specimen of a day’s proceedings.
My task of instruction and surveillance, instead of becoming easier as my
charges and I got better accustomed to each other, became more arduous as
their characters unfolded. The name of governess, I soon found, was a
mere mockery as applied to me: my pupils had no more notion of obedience
than a wild, unbroken colt. The habitual fear of their father’s peevish
temper, and the dread of the punishments he was wont to inflict when
irritated, kept them generally within bounds in his immediate presence.
The girls, too, had some fear of their mother’s anger; and the boy might
occasionally be bribed to do as she bid him by the hope of reward; but I
had no rewards to offer; and as for punishments, I was given to
understand, the parents reserved that privilege to themselves; and yet
they expected me to keep my pupils in order. Other children might be
guided by the fear of anger and the desire of approbation; but neither
the one nor the other had any effect upon these.
Master Tom, not content with refusing to be ruled, must needs set up as a
ruler, and manifested a determination to keep, not only his sisters, but
his governess in order, by violent manual and pedal applications; and, as
he was a tall, strong boy of his years, this occasioned no trifling
inconvenience. A few sound boxes on the ear, on such occasions, might
have settled the matter easily enough: but as, in that case, he might
make up some story to his mother which she would be sure to believe, as
she had such unshaken faith in his veracity—though I had already
discovered it to be by no means unimpeachable—I determined to refrain
from striking him, even in self-defence; and, in his most violent moods,
my only resource was to throw him on his back and hold his hands and feet
till the frenzy was somewhat abated. To the difficulty of preventing him
from doing what he ought not, was added that of forcing him to do what he
ought. Often he would positively refuse to learn, or to repeat his
lessons, or even to look at his book. Here, again, a good birch rod
might have been serviceable; but, as my powers were so limited, I must
make the best use of what I had.
As there were no settled hours for study and play, I resolved to give my
pupils a certain task, which, with moderate attention, they could perform
in a short time; and till this was done, however weary I was, or however
perverse they might be, nothing short of parental interference should
induce me to suffer them to leave the schoolroom, even if I should sit
with my chair against the door to keep them in. Patience, Firmness, and
Perseverance were my only weapons; and these I resolved to use to the
utmost. I determined always strictly to fulfil the threats and promises
I made; and, to that end, I must be cautious to threaten and promise
nothing that I could not perform. Then, I would carefully refrain from
all useless irritability and indulgence of my own ill-temper: when they
behaved tolerably, I would be as kind and obliging as it was in my power
to be, in order to make the widest possible distinction between good and
bad conduct; I would reason with them, too, in the simplest and most
effective manner. When I reproved them, or refused to gratify their
wishes, after a glaring fault, it should be more in sorrow than in anger:
their little hymns and prayers I would make plain and clear to their
understanding; when they said their prayers at night and asked pardon for
their offences, I would remind them of the sins of the past day,
solemnly, but in perfect kindness, to avoid raising a spirit of
opposition; penitential hymns should be said by the naughty, cheerful
ones by the comparatively good; and every kind of instruction I would
convey to them, as much as possible, by entertaining discourse—apparently
with no other object than their present amusement in view.
By these means I hoped in time both to benefit the children and to gain
the approbation of their parents; and also to convince my friends at home
that I was not so wanting in skill and prudence as they supposed. I knew
the difficulties I had to contend with were great; but I knew (at least I
believed) unremitting patience and perseverance could overcome them; and
night and morning I implored Divine assistance to this end. But either
the children were so incorrigible, the parents so unreasonable, or myself
so mistaken in my views, or so unable to carry them out, that my best
intentions and most strenuous efforts seemed productive of no better
result than sport to the children, dissatisfaction to their parents, and
torment to myself.
The task of instruction was as arduous for the body as the mind. I had
to run after my pupils to catch them, to carry or drag them to the table,
and often forcibly to hold them there till the lesson was done. Tom I
frequently put into a corner, seating myself before him in a chair, with
a book which contained the little task that must be said or read, before
he was released, in my hand. He was not strong enough to push both me
and the chair away, so he would stand twisting his body and face into the
most grotesque and singular contortions—laughable, no doubt, to an
unconcerned spectator, but not to me—and uttering loud yells and doleful
outcries, intended to represent weeping but wholly without the
accompaniment of tears. I knew this was done solely for the purpose of
annoying me; and, therefore, however I might inwardly tremble with
impatience and irritation, I manfully strove to suppress all visible
signs of molestation, and affected to sit with calm indifference, waiting
till it should please him to cease this pastime, and prepare for a run in
the garden, by casting his eye on the book and reading or repeating the
few words he was required to say. Sometimes he was determined to do his
writing badly; and I had to hold his hand to prevent him from purposely
blotting or disfiguring the paper. Frequently I threatened that, if he
did not do better, he should have another line: then he would stubbornly
refuse to write this line; and I, to save my word, had finally to resort
to the expedient of holding his fingers upon the pen, and forcibly
drawing his hand up and down, till, in spite of his resistance, the line
was in some sort completed.
Yet Tom was by no means the most unmanageable of my pupils: sometimes, to
my great joy, he would have the sense to see that his wisest policy was
to finish his tasks, and go out and amuse himself till I and his sisters
came to join him; which frequently was not at all, for Mary Ann seldom
followed his example in this particular: she apparently preferred rolling
on the floor to any other amusement: down she would drop like a leaden
weight; and when I, with great difficulty, had succeeded in rooting her
thence, I had still to hold her up with one arm, while with the other I
held the book from which she was to read or spell her lesson. As the
dead weight of the big girl of six became too heavy for one arm to bear,
I transferred it to the other; or, if both were weary of the burden, I
carried her into a corner, and told her she might come out when she
should find the use of her feet, and stand up: but she generally
preferred lying there like a log till dinner or tea-time, when, as I
could not deprive her of her meals, she must be liberated, and would come
crawling out with a grin of triumph on her round, red face. Often she
would stubbornly refuse to pronounce some particular word in her lesson;
and now I regret the lost labour I have had in striving to conquer her
obstinacy. If I had passed it over as a matter of no consequence, it
would have been better for both parties, than vainly striving to overcome
it as I did; but I thought it my absolute duty to crush this vicious
tendency in the bud: and so it was, if I could have done it; and had my
powers been less limited, I might have enforced obedience; but, as it
was, it was a trial of strength between her and me, in which she
generally came off victorious; and every victory served to encourage and
strengthen her for a future contest. In vain I argued, coaxed,
entreated, threatened, scolded; in vain I kept her in from play, or, if
obliged to take her out, refused to play with her, or to speak kindly or
have anything to do with her; in vain I tried to set before her the
advantages of doing as she was bid, and being loved, and kindly treated
in consequence, and the disadvantages of persisting in her absurd
perversity. Sometimes, when she would ask me to do something for her, I
would answer,—‘Yes, I will, Mary Ann, if you will only say that word.
Come! you’d better say it at once, and have no more trouble about it.’
‘No.’
‘Then, of course, I can do nothing for you.’
With me, at her age, or under, neglect and disgrace were the most
dreadful of punishments; but on her they made no impression. Sometimes,
exasperated to the utmost pitch, I would shake her violently by the
shoulder, or pull her long hair, or put her in the corner; for which she
punished me with loud, shrill, piercing screams, that went through my
head like a knife. She knew I hated this, and when she had shrieked her
utmost, would look into my face with an air of vindictive satisfaction,
exclaiming,—‘_Now_, then! _that’s_ for you!’ and then shriek again and
again, till I was forced to stop my ears. Often these dreadful cries
would bring Mrs. Bloomfield up to inquire what was the matter?
‘Mary Ann is a naughty girl, ma’am.’
‘But what are these shocking screams?’
‘She is screaming in a passion.’
‘I never heard such a dreadful noise! You might be killing her. Why is
she not out with her brother?’
‘I cannot get her to finish her lessons.’
‘But Mary Ann must be a _good_ girl, and finish her lessons.’ This was
blandly spoken to the child. ‘And I hope I shall _never_ hear such
terrible cries again!’
And fixing her cold, stony eyes upon me with a look that could not be
mistaken, she would shut the door, and walk away. Sometimes I would try
to take the little obstinate creature by surprise, and casually ask her
the word while she was thinking of something else; frequently she would
begin to say it, and then suddenly check herself, with a provoking look
that seemed to say, ‘Ah! I’m too sharp for you; you shan’t trick it out
of me, either.’
On another occasion, I pretended to forget the whole affair; and talked
and played with her as usual, till night, when I put her to bed; then
bending over her, while she lay all smiles and good humour, just before
departing, I said, as cheerfully and kindly as before—‘Now, Mary Ann,
just tell me that word before I kiss you good-night. You are a good girl
now, and, of course, you will say it.’
‘No, I won’t.’
‘Then I can’t kiss you.’
‘Well, I don’t care.’
In vain I expressed my sorrow; in vain I lingered for some symptom of
contrition; she really ‘didn’t care,’ and I left her alone, and in
darkness, wondering most of all at this last proof of insensate
stubbornness. In _my_ childhood I could not imagine a more afflictive
punishment than for my mother to refuse to kiss me at night: the very
idea was terrible. More than the idea I never felt, for, happily, I
never committed a fault that was deemed worthy of such penalty; but once
I remember, for some transgression of my sister’s, our mother thought
proper to inflict it upon her: what _she_ felt, I cannot tell; but my
sympathetic tears and suffering for her sake I shall not soon forget.
Another troublesome trait in Mary Ann was her incorrigible propensity to
keep running into the nursery, to play with her little sisters and the
nurse. This was natural enough, but, as it was against her mother’s
express desire, I, of course, forbade her to do so, and did my utmost to
keep her with me; but that only increased her relish for the nursery, and
the more I strove to keep her out of it, the oftener she went, and the
longer she stayed, to the great dissatisfaction of Mrs. Bloomfield, who,
I well knew, would impute all the blame of the matter to me. Another of
my trials was the dressing in the morning: at one time she would not be
washed; at another she would not be dressed, unless she might wear some
particular frock, that I knew her mother would not like her to have; at
another she would scream and run away if I attempted to touch her hair.
So that, frequently, when, after much trouble and toil, I had, at length,
succeeded in bringing her down, the breakfast was nearly half over; and
black looks from ‘mamma,’ and testy observations from ‘papa,’ spoken at
me, if not to me, were sure to be my meed: for few things irritated the
latter so much as want of punctuality at meal times. Then, among the
minor annoyances, was my inability to satisfy Mrs. Bloomfield with her
daughter’s dress; and the child’s hair ‘was never fit to be seen.’
Sometimes, as a powerful reproach to me, she would perform the office of
tire woman herself, and then complain bitterly of the trouble it gave
her.
When little Fanny came into the schoolroom, I hoped she would be mild and
inoffensive, at least; but a few days, if not a few hours, sufficed to
destroy the illusion: I found her a mischievous, intractable little
creature, given up to falsehood and deception, young as she was, and
alarmingly fond of exercising her two favourite weapons of offence and
defence: that of spitting in the faces of those who incurred her
displeasure, and bellowing like a bull when her unreasonable desires were
not gratified. As she, generally, was pretty quiet in her parents’
presence, and they were impressed with the notion of her being a
remarkably gentle child, her falsehoods were readily believed, and her
loud uproars led them to suspect harsh and injudicious treatment on my
part; and when, at length, her bad disposition became manifest even to
their prejudiced eyes, I felt that the whole was attributed to me.
‘What a naughty girl Fanny is getting!’ Mrs. Bloomfield would say to her
spouse. ‘Don’t you observe, my dear, how she is altered since she
entered the schoolroom? She will soon be as bad as the other two; and, I
am sorry to say, they have quite deteriorated of late.’
‘You may say that,’ was the answer. ‘I’ve been thinking that same
myself. I thought when we got them a governess they’d improve; but,
instead of that, they get worse and worse: I don’t know how it is with
their learning, but their habits, I know, make no sort of improvement;
they get rougher, and dirtier, and more unseemly every day.’
I knew this was all pointed at me; and these, and all similar innuendoes,
affected me far more deeply than any open accusations would have done;
for against the latter I should have been roused to speak in my own
defence: now I judged it my wisest plan to subdue every resentful
impulse, suppress every sensitive shrinking, and go on perseveringly,
doing my best; for, irksome as my situation was, I earnestly wished to
retain it. I thought, if I could struggle on with unremitting firmness
and integrity, the children would in time become more humanized: every
month would contribute to make them some little wiser, and, consequently,
more manageable; for a child of nine or ten as frantic and ungovernable
as these at six and seven would be a maniac.
I flattered myself I was benefiting my parents and sister by my
continuance here; for small as the salary was, I still was earning
something, and with strict economy I could easily manage to have
something to spare for them, if they would favour me by taking it. Then
it was by my own will that I had got the place: I had brought all this
tribulation on myself, and I was determined to bear it; nay, more than
that, I did not even regret the step I had taken. I longed to show my
friends that, even now, I was competent to undertake the charge, and able
to acquit myself honourably to the end; and if ever I felt it degrading
to submit so quietly, or intolerable to toil so constantly, I would turn
towards my home, and say within myself—
They may crush, but they shall not subdue me!
’Tis of thee that I think, not of them.
About Christmas I was allowed to visit home; but my holiday was only of a
fortnight’s duration: ‘For,’ said Mrs. Bloomfield, ‘I thought, as you had
seen your friends so lately, you would not care for a longer stay.’ I
left her to think so still: but she little knew how long, how wearisome
those fourteen weeks of absence had been to me; how intensely I had
longed for my holidays, how greatly I was disappointed at their
curtailment. Yet she was not to blame in this. I had never told her my
feelings, and she could not be expected to divine them; I had not been
with her a full term, and she was justified in not allowing me a full
vacation.
CHAPTER IV—THE GRANDMAMMA
I spare my readers the account of my delight on coming home, my happiness
while there—enjoying a brief space of rest and liberty in that dear,
familiar place, among the loving and the loved—and my sorrow on being
obliged to bid them, once more, a long adieu.
I returned, however, with unabated vigour to my work—a more arduous task
than anyone can imagine, who has not felt something like the misery of
being charged with the care and direction of a set of mischievous,
turbulent rebels, whom his utmost exertions cannot bind to their duty;
while, at the same time, he is responsible for their conduct to a higher
power, who exacts from him what cannot be achieved without the aid of the
superior’s more potent authority; which, either from indolence, or the
fear of becoming unpopular with the said rebellious gang, the latter
refuses to give. I can conceive few situations more harassing than that
wherein, however you may long for success, however you may labour to
fulfil your duty, your efforts are baffled and set at nought by those
beneath you, and unjustly censured and misjudged by those above.
I have not enumerated half the vexatious propensities of my pupils, or
half the troubles resulting from my heavy responsibilities, for fear of
trespassing too much upon the reader’s patience; as, perhaps, I have
already done; but my design in writing the few last pages was not to
amuse, but to benefit those whom it might concern; he that has no
interest in such matters will doubtless have skipped them over with a
cursory glance, and, perhaps, a malediction against the prolixity of the
writer; but if a parent has, therefrom, gathered any useful hint, or an
unfortunate governess received thereby the slightest benefit, I am well
rewarded for my pains.
To avoid trouble and confusion, I have taken my pupils one by one, and
discussed their various qualities; but this can give no adequate idea of
being worried by the whole three together; when, as was often the case,
all were determined to ‘be naughty, and to tease Miss Grey, and put her
in a passion.’
Sometimes, on such occasions, the thought has suddenly occurred to me—‘If
they could see me now!’ meaning, of course, my friends at home; and the
idea of how they would pity me has made me pity myself—so greatly that I
have had the utmost difficulty to restrain my tears: but I have
restrained them, till my little tormentors were gone to dessert, or
cleared off to bed (my only prospects of deliverance), and then, in all
the bliss of solitude, I have given myself up to the luxury of an
unrestricted burst of weeping. But this was a weakness I did not often
indulge: my employments were too numerous, my leisure moments too
precious, to admit of much time being given to fruitless lamentations.
I particularly remember one wild, snowy afternoon, soon after my return
in January: the children had all come up from dinner, loudly declaring
that they meant ‘to be naughty;’ and they had well kept their resolution,
though I had talked myself hoarse, and wearied every muscle in my throat,
in the vain attempt to reason them out of it. I had got Tom pinned up in
a corner, whence, I told him, he should not escape till he had done his
appointed task. Meantime, Fanny had possessed herself of my work-bag,
and was rifling its contents—and spitting into it besides. I told her to
let it alone, but to no purpose, of course. ‘Burn it, Fanny!’ cried Tom:
and _this_ command she hastened to obey. I sprang to snatch it from the
fire, and Tom darted to the door. ‘Mary Ann, throw her desk out of the
window!’ cried he: and my precious desk, containing my letters and
papers, my small amount of cash, and all my valuables, was about to be
precipitated from the three-storey window. I flew to rescue it.
Meanwhile Tom had left the room, and was rushing down the stairs,
followed by Fanny. Having secured my desk, I ran to catch them, and Mary
Ann came scampering after. All three escaped me, and ran out of the
house into the garden, where they plunged about in the snow, shouting and
screaming in exultant glee.
What must I do? If I followed them, I should probably be unable to
capture one, and only drive them farther away; if I did not, how was I to
get them in? And what would their parents think of me, if they saw or
heard the children rioting, hatless, bonnetless, gloveless, and bootless,
in the deep soft snow? While I stood in this perplexity, just without
the door, trying, by grim looks and angry words, to awe them into
subjection, I heard a voice behind me, in harshly piercing tones,
exclaiming,—
‘Miss Grey! Is it possible? What, in the devil’s name, can you be
thinking about?’
‘I can’t get them in, sir,’ said I, turning round, and beholding Mr.
Bloomfield, with his hair on end, and his pale blue eyes bolting from
their sockets.
‘But I INSIST upon their being got in!’ cried he, approaching nearer, and
looking perfectly ferocious.
‘Then, sir, you must call them yourself, if you please, for they won’t
listen to me,’ I replied, stepping back.
‘Come in with you, you filthy brats; or I’ll horsewhip you every one!’
roared he; and the children instantly obeyed. ‘There, you see!—they come
at the first word!’
‘Yes, when _you_ speak.’
‘And it’s very strange, that when you’ve the care of ’em you’ve no better
control over ’em than that!—Now, there they are—gone upstairs with their
nasty snowy feet! Do go after ’em and see them made decent, for heaven’s
sake!’
That gentleman’s mother was then staying in the house; and, as I ascended
the stairs and passed the drawing-room door, I had the satisfaction of
hearing the old lady declaiming aloud to her daughter-in-law to this
effect (for I could only distinguish the most emphatic words)—
‘Gracious heavens!—never in all my life—!—get their death as sure as—!
Do you think, my dear, she’s a _proper person_? Take my word for it—’
I heard no more; but that sufficed.
The senior Mrs. Bloomfield had been very attentive and civil to me; and
till now I had thought her a nice, kind-hearted, chatty old body. She
would often come to me and talk in a confidential strain; nodding and
shaking her head, and gesticulating with hands and eyes, as a certain
class of old ladies are won’t to do; though I never knew one that carried
the peculiarity to so great an extent. She would even sympathise with me
for the trouble I had with the children, and express at times, by half
sentences, interspersed with nods and knowing winks, her sense of the
injudicious conduct of their mamma in so restricting my power, and
neglecting to support me with her authority. Such a mode of testifying
disapprobation was not much to my taste; and I generally refused to take
it in, or understand anything more than was openly spoken; at least, I
never went farther than an implied acknowledgment that, if matters were
otherwise ordered my task would be a less difficult one, and I should be
better able to guide and instruct my charge; but now I must be doubly
cautious. Hitherto, though I saw the old lady had her defects (of which
one was a proneness to proclaim her perfections), I had always been
wishful to excuse them, and to give her credit for all the virtues she
professed, and even imagine others yet untold. Kindness, which had been
the food of my life through so many years, had lately been so entirely
denied me, that I welcomed with grateful joy the slightest semblance of
it. No wonder, then, that my heart warmed to the old lady, and always
gladdened at her approach and regretted her departure.
But now, the few words luckily or unluckily heard in passing had wholly
revolutionized my ideas respecting her: now I looked upon her as
hypocritical and insincere, a flatterer, and a spy upon my words and
deeds. Doubtless it would have been my interest still to meet her with
the same cheerful smile and tone of respectful cordiality as before; but
I could not, if I would: my manner altered with my feelings, and became
so cold and shy that she could not fail to notice it. She soon did
notice it, and _her_ manner altered too: the familiar nod was changed to
a stiff bow, the gracious smile gave place to a glare of Gorgon ferocity;
her vivacious loquacity was entirely transferred from me to ‘the darling
boy and girls,’ whom she flattered and indulged more absurdly than ever
their mother had done.
I confess I was somewhat troubled at this change: I feared the
consequences of her displeasure, and even made some efforts to recover
the ground I had lost—and with better apparent success than I could have
anticipated. At one time, I, merely in common civility, asked after her
cough; immediately her long visage relaxed into a smile, and she favoured
me with a particular history of that and her other infirmities, followed
by an account of her pious resignation, delivered in the usual emphatic,
declamatory style, which no writing can portray.
‘But there’s one remedy for all, my dear, and that’s resignation’ (a toss
of the head), ‘resignation to the will of heaven!’ (an uplifting of the
hands and eyes). ‘It has always supported me through all my trials, and
always will do’ (a succession of nods). ‘But then, it isn’t everybody
that can say that’ (a shake of the head); ‘but I’m one of the pious ones,
Miss Grey!’ (a very significant nod and toss). ‘And, thank heaven, I
always was’ (another nod), ‘and I glory in it!’ (an emphatic clasping of
the hands and shaking of the head). And with several texts of Scripture,
misquoted or misapplied, and religious exclamations so redolent of the
ludicrous in the style of delivery and manner of bringing in, if not in
the expressions themselves, that I decline repeating them, she withdrew;
tossing her large head in high good-humour—with herself at least—and left
me hoping that, after all, she was rather weak than wicked.
At her next visit to Wellwood House, I went so far as to say I was glad
to see her looking so well. The effect of this was magical: the words,
intended as a mark of civility, were received as a flattering compliment;
her countenance brightened up, and from that moment she became as
gracious and benign as heart could wish—in outward semblance at least.
From what I now saw of her, and what I heard from the children, I know
that, in order to gain her cordial friendship, I had but to utter a word
of flattery at each convenient opportunity: but this was against my
principles; and for lack of this, the capricious old dame soon deprived
me of her favour again, and I believe did me much secret injury.
She could not greatly influence her daughter-in-law against me, because,
between that lady and herself there was a mutual dislike—chiefly shown by
her in secret detractions and calumniations; by the other, in an excess
of frigid formality in her demeanour; and no fawning flattery of the
elder could thaw away the wall of ice which the younger interposed
between them. But with her son, the old lady had better success: he
would listen to all she had to say, provided she could soothe his fretful
temper, and refrain from irritating him by her own asperities; and I have
reason to believe that she considerably strengthened his prejudice
against me. She would tell him that I shamefully neglected the children,
and even his wife did not attend to them as she ought; and that he must
look after them himself, or they would all go to ruin.
Thus urged, he would frequently give himself the trouble of watching them
from the windows during their play; at times, he would follow them
through the grounds, and too often came suddenly upon them while they
were dabbling in the forbidden well, talking to the coachman in the
stables, or revelling in the filth of the farm-yard—and I, meanwhile,
wearily standing, by, having previously exhausted my energy in vain
attempts to get them away. Often, too, he would unexpectedly pop his
head into the schoolroom while the young people were at meals, and find
them spilling their milk over the table and themselves, plunging their
fingers into their own or each other’s mugs, or quarrelling over their
victuals like a set of tiger’s cubs. If I were quiet at the moment, I
was conniving at their disorderly conduct; if (as was frequently the
case) I happened to be exalting my voice to enforce order, I was using
undue violence, and setting the girls a bad example by such ungentleness
of tone and language.
I remember one afternoon in spring, when, owing to the rain, they could
not go out; but, by some amazing good fortune, they had all finished
their lessons, and yet abstained from running down to tease their
parents—a trick that annoyed me greatly, but which, on rainy days, I
seldom could prevent their doing; because, below, they found novelty and
amusement—especially when visitors were in the house; and their mother,
though she bid me keep them in the schoolroom, would never chide them for
leaving it, or trouble herself to send them back. But this day they
appeared satisfied with, their present abode, and what is more wonderful
still, seemed disposed to play together without depending on me for
amusement, and without quarrelling with each other. Their occupation was
a somewhat puzzling one: they were all squatted together on the floor by
the window, over a heap of broken toys and a quantity of birds’ eggs—or
rather egg-shells, for the contents had luckily been abstracted. These
shells they had broken up and were pounding into small fragments, to what
end I could not imagine; but so long as they were quiet and not in
positive mischief, I did not care; and, with a feeling of unusual repose,
I sat by the fire, putting the finishing stitches to a frock for Mary
Ann’s doll; intending, when that was done, to begin a letter to my
mother. Suddenly the door opened, and the dingy head of Mr. Bloomfield
looked in.
‘All very quiet here! What are you doing?’ said he. ‘No harm _to-day_,
at least,’ thought I. But he was of a different opinion. Advancing to
the window, and seeing the children’s occupations, he testily
exclaimed—‘What in the world are you about?’
‘We’re grinding egg-shells, papa!’ cried Tom.
‘How _dare_ you make such a mess, you little devils? Don’t you see what
confounded work you’re making of the carpet?’ (the carpet was a plain
brown drugget). ‘Miss Grey, did you know what they were doing?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘You knew it?’
‘Yes.’
‘You knew it! and you actually sat there and permitted them to go on
without a word of reproof!’
‘I didn’t think they were doing any harm.’
‘Any harm! Why, look there! Just look at that carpet, and see—was there
ever anything like it in a Christian house before? No wonder your room
is not fit for a pigsty—no wonder your pupils are worse than a litter of
pigs!—no wonder—oh! I declare, it puts me quite past my patience’ and he
departed, shutting the door after him with a bang that made the children
laugh.
‘It puts me quite past my patience too!’ muttered I, getting up; and,
seizing the poker, I dashed it repeatedly into the cinders, and stirred
them up with unwonted energy; thus easing my irritation under pretence of
mending the fire.
After this, Mr. Bloomfield was continually looking in to see if the
schoolroom was in order; and, as the children were continually littering
the floor with fragments of toys, sticks, stones, stubble, leaves, and
other rubbish, which I could not prevent their bringing, or oblige them
to gather up, and which the servants refused to ‘clean after them,’ I had
to spend a considerable portion of my valuable leisure moments on my
knees upon the floor, in painsfully reducing things to order. Once I
told them that they should not taste their supper till they had picked up
everything from the carpet; Fanny might have hers when she had taken up a
certain quantity, Mary Ann when she had gathered twice as many, and Tom
was to clear away the rest. Wonderful to state, the girls did their
part; but Tom was in such a fury that he flew upon the table, scattered
the bread and milk about the floor, struck his sisters, kicked the coals
out of the coal-pan, attempted to overthrow the table and chairs, and
seemed inclined to make a Douglas-larder of the whole contents of the
room: but I seized upon him, and, sending Mary Ann to call her mamma,
held him, in spite of kicks, blows, yells, and execrations, till Mrs.
Bloomfield made her appearance.
‘What is the matter with my boy?’ said she.
And when the matter was explained to her, all she did was to send for the
nursery-maid to put the room in order, and bring Master Bloomfield his
supper.
‘There now,’ cried Tom, triumphantly, looking up from his viands with his
mouth almost too full for speech. ‘There now, Miss Grey! you see I’ve
got my supper in spite of you: and I haven’t picked up a single thing!’
The only person in the house who had any real sympathy for me was the
nurse; for she had suffered like afflictions, though in a smaller degree;
as she had not the task of teaching, nor was she so responsible for the
conduct of her charge.
‘Oh, Miss Grey!’ she would say, ‘you have some trouble with them
childer!’
‘I have, indeed, Betty; and I daresay you know what it is.’
‘Ay, I do so! But I don’t vex myself o’er ’em as you do. And then, you
see, I hit ’em a slap sometimes: and them little ’uns—I gives ’em a good
whipping now and then: there’s nothing else will do for ’em, as what they
say. Howsoever, I’ve lost my place for it.’
‘Have you, Betty? I heard you were going to leave.’
‘Eh, bless you, yes! Missis gave me warning a three wik sin’. She told
me afore Christmas how it mud be, if I hit ’em again; but I couldn’t hold
my hand off ’em at nothing. I know not how _you_ do, for Miss Mary Ann’s
worse by the half nor her sisters!’
CHAPTER V—THE UNCLE
Besides the old lady, there was another relative of the family, whose
visits were a great annoyance to me—this was ‘Uncle Robson,’ Mrs.
Bloomfield’s brother; a tall, self-sufficient fellow, with dark hair and
sallow complexion like his sister, a nose that seemed to disdain the
earth, and little grey eyes, frequently half-closed, with a mixture of
real stupidity and affected contempt of all surrounding objects. He was
a thick-set, strongly-built man, but he had found some means of
compressing his waist into a remarkably small compass; and that, together
with the unnatural stillness of his form, showed that the lofty-minded,
manly Mr. Robson, the scorner of the female sex, was not above the
foppery of stays. He seldom deigned to notice me; and, when he did, it
was with a certain supercilious insolence of tone and manner that
convinced me he was no gentleman: though it was intended to have a
contrary effect. But it was not for that I disliked his coming, so much
as for the harm he did the children—encouraging all their evil
propensities, and undoing in a few minutes the little good it had taken
me months of labour to achieve.
Fanny and little Harriet he seldom condescended to notice; but Mary Ann
was something of a favourite. He was continually encouraging her
tendency to affectation (which I had done my utmost to crush), talking
about her pretty face, and filling her head with all manner of conceited
notions concerning her personal appearance (which I had instructed her to
regard as dust in the balance compared with the cultivation of her mind
and manners); and I never saw a child so susceptible of flattery as she
was. Whatever was wrong, in either her or her brother, he would
encourage by laughing at, if not by actually praising: people little know
the injury they do to children by laughing at their faults, and making a
pleasant jest of what their true friends have endeavoured to teach them
to hold in grave abhorrence.
Though not a positive drunkard, Mr. Robson habitually swallowed great
quantities of wine, and took with relish an occasional glass of brandy
and water. He taught his nephew to imitate him in this to the utmost of
his ability, and to believe that the more wine and spirits he could take,
and the better he liked them, the more he manifested his bold, and manly
spirit, and rose superior to his sisters. Mr. Bloomfield had not much to
say against it, for his favourite beverage was gin and water; of which he
took a considerable portion every day, by dint of constant sipping—and to
that I chiefly attributed his dingy complexion and waspish temper.
Mr. Robson likewise encouraged Tom’s propensity to persecute the lower
creation, both by precept and example. As he frequently came to course
or shoot over his brother-in-law’s grounds, he would bring his favourite
dogs with him; and he treated them so brutally that, poor as I was, I
would have given a sovereign any day to see one of them bite him,
provided the animal could have done it with impunity. Sometimes, when in
a very complacent mood, he would go a-birds’-nesting with the children, a
thing that irritated and annoyed me exceedingly; as, by frequent and
persevering attempts, I flattered myself I had partly shown them the evil
of this pastime, and hoped, in time, to bring them to some general sense
of justice and humanity; but ten minutes’ birds’-nesting with uncle
Robson, or even a laugh from him at some relation of their former
barbarities, was sufficient at once to destroy the effect of my whole
elaborate course of reasoning and persuasion. Happily, however, during
that spring, they never, but once, got anything but empty nests, or
eggs—being too impatient to leave them till the birds were hatched; that
once, Tom, who had been with his uncle into the neighbouring plantation,
came running in high glee into the garden, with a brood of little callow
nestlings in his hands. Mary Ann and Fanny, whom I was just bringing
out, ran to admire his spoils, and to beg each a bird for themselves.
‘No, not one!’ cried Tom. ‘They’re all mine; uncle Robson gave them to
me—one, two, three, four, five—you shan’t touch one of them! no, not one,
for your lives!’ continued he, exultingly; laying the nest on the ground,
and standing over it with his legs wide apart, his hands thrust into his
breeches-pockets, his body bent forward, and his face twisted into all
manner of contortions in the ecstasy of his delight.
‘But you shall see me fettle ’em off. My word, but I _will_ wallop ’em?
See if I don’t now. By gum! but there’s rare sport for me in that nest.’
‘But, Tom,’ said I, ‘I shall not allow you to torture those birds. They
must either be killed at once or carried back to the place you took them
from, that the old birds may continue to feed them.’
‘But you don’t know where that is, Madam: it’s only me and uncle Robson
that knows that.’
‘But if you don’t tell me, I shall kill them myself—much as I hate it.’
‘You daren’t. You daren’t touch them for your life! because you know
papa and mamma, and uncle Robson, would be angry. Ha, ha! I’ve caught
you there, Miss!’
‘I shall do what I think right in a case of this sort without consulting
any one. If your papa and mamma don’t happen to approve of it, I shall
be sorry to offend them; but your uncle Robson’s opinions, of course, are
nothing to me.’
So saying—urged by a sense of duty—at the risk of both making myself sick
and incurring the wrath of my employers—I got a large flat stone, that
had been reared up for a mouse-trap by the gardener; then, having once
more vainly endeavoured to persuade the little tyrant to let the birds be
carried back, I asked what he intended to do with them. With fiendish
glee he commenced a list of torments; and while he was busied in the
relation, I dropped the stone upon his intended victims and crushed them
flat beneath it. Loud were the outcries, terrible the execrations,
consequent upon this daring outrage; uncle Robson had been coming up the
walk with his gun, and was just then pausing to kick his dog. Tom flew
towards him, vowing he would make him kick me instead of Juno. Mr.
Robson leant upon his gun, and laughed excessively at the violence of his
nephew’s passion, and the bitter maledictions and opprobrious epithets he
heaped upon me. ‘Well, you _are_ a good ’un!’ exclaimed he, at length,
taking up his weapon and proceeding towards the house. ‘Damme, but the
lad has some spunk in him, too. Curse me, if ever I saw a nobler little
scoundrel than that. He’s beyond petticoat government already: by God!
he defies mother, granny, governess, and all! Ha, ha, ha! Never mind,
Tom, I’ll get you another brood to-morrow.’
‘If you do, Mr. Robson, I shall kill them too,’ said I.
‘Humph!’ replied he, and having honoured me with a broad stare—which,
contrary to his expectations, I sustained without flinching—he turned
away with an air of supreme contempt, and stalked into the house. Tom
next went to tell his mamma. It was not her way to say much on any
subject; but, when she next saw me, her aspect and demeanour were doubly
dark and chilled. After some casual remark about the weather, she
observed—‘I am sorry, Miss Grey, you should think it necessary to
interfere with Master Bloomfield’s amusements; he was very much
distressed about your destroying the birds.’
‘When Master Bloomfield’s amusements consist in injuring sentient
creatures,’ I answered, ‘I think it my duty to interfere.’
‘You seemed to have forgotten,’ said she, calmly, ‘that the creatures
were all created for our convenience.’
I thought that doctrine admitted some doubt, but merely replied—‘If they
were, we have no right to torment them for our amusement.’
‘I think,’ said she, ‘a child’s amusement is scarcely to be weighed
against the welfare of a soulless brute.’
‘But, for the child’s own sake, it ought not to be encouraged to have
such amusements,’ answered I, as meekly as I could, to make up for such
unusual pertinacity. ‘“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain
mercy.”’
‘Oh! of course; but that refers to our conduct towards each other.’
‘“The merciful man shows mercy to his beast,”’ I ventured to add.
‘I think _you_ have not shown much mercy,’ replied she, with a short,
bitter laugh; ‘killing the poor birds by wholesale in that shocking
manner, and putting the dear boy to such misery for a mere whim.’
I judged it prudent to say no more. This was the nearest approach to a
quarrel I ever had with Mrs. Bloomfield; as well as the greatest number
of words I ever exchanged with her at one time, since the day of my first
arrival.
But Mr. Robson and old Mrs. Bloomfield were not the only guests whose
coming to Wellwood House annoyed me; every visitor disturbed me more or
less; not so much because they neglected me (though I did feel their
conduct strange and disagreeable in that respect), as because I found it
impossible to keep my pupils away from them, as I was repeatedly desired
to do: Tom must talk to them, and Mary Ann must be noticed by them.
Neither the one nor the other knew what it was to feel any degree of
shamefacedness, or even common modesty. They would indecently and
clamorously interrupt the conversation of their elders, tease them with
the most impertinent questions, roughly collar the gentlemen, climb their
knees uninvited, hang about their shoulders or rifle their pockets, pull
the ladies’ gowns, disorder their hair, tumble their collars, and
importunately beg for their trinkets.
Mrs. Bloomfield had the sense to be shocked and annoyed at all this, but
she had not sense to prevent it: she expected me to prevent it. But how
could I—when the guests, with their fine clothes and new faces,
continually flattered and indulged them, out of complaisance to their
parents—how could I, with my homely garments, every-day face, and honest
words, draw them away? I strained every nerve to do so: by striving to
amuse them, I endeavoured to attract them to my side; by the exertion of
such authority as I possessed, and by such severity as I dared to use, I
tried to deter them from tormenting the guests; and by reproaching their
unmannerly conduct, to make them ashamed to repeat it. But they knew no
shame; they scorned authority which had no terrors to back it; and as for
kindness and affection, either they had no hearts, or such as they had
were so strongly guarded, and so well concealed, that I, with all my
efforts, had not yet discovered how to reach them.
But soon my trials in this quarter came to a close—sooner than I either
expected or desired; for one sweet evening towards the close of May, as I
was rejoicing in the near approach of the holidays, and congratulating
myself upon having made some progress with my pupils (as far as their
learning went, at least, for I _had_ instilled _something_ into their
heads, and I had, at length, brought them to be a little—a very
little—more rational about getting their lessons done in time to leave
some space for recreation, instead of tormenting themselves and me all
day long to no purpose), Mrs. Bloomfield sent for me, and calmly told me
that after Midsummer my services would be no longer required. She
assured me that my character and general conduct were unexceptionable;
but the children had made so little improvement since my arrival that Mr.
Bloomfield and she felt it their duty to seek some other mode of
instruction. Though superior to most children of their years in
abilities, they were decidedly behind them in attainments; their manners
were uncultivated, and their tempers unruly. And this she attributed to
a want of sufficient firmness, and diligent, persevering care on my part.
Unshaken firmness, devoted diligence, unwearied perseverance, unceasing
care, were the very qualifications on which I had secretly prided myself;
and by which I had hoped in time to overcome all difficulties, and obtain
success at last. I wished to say something in my own justification; but
in attempting to speak, I felt my voice falter; and rather than testify
any emotion, or suffer the tears to overflow that were already gathering
in my eyes, I chose to keep silence, and bear all like a self-convicted
culprit.
Thus was I dismissed, and thus I sought my home. Alas! what would they
think of me? unable, after all my boasting, to keep my place, even for a
single year, as governess to three small children, whose mother was
asserted by my own aunt to be a ‘very nice woman.’ Having been thus
weighed in the balance and found wanting, I need not hope they would be
willing to try me again. And this was an unwelcome thought; for vexed,
harassed, disappointed as I had been, and greatly as I had learned to
love and value my home, I was not yet weary of adventure, nor willing to
relax my efforts. I knew that all parents were not like Mr. and Mrs.
Bloomfield, and I was certain all children were not like theirs. The
next family must be different, and any change must be for the better. I
had been seasoned by adversity, and tutored by experience, and I longed
to redeem my lost honour in the eyes of those whose opinion was more than
that of all the world to me.
CHAPTER VI—THE PARSONAGE AGAIN
For a few months I remained peaceably at home, in the quiet enjoyment of
liberty and rest, and genuine friendship, from all of which I had fasted
so long; and in the earnest prosecution of my studies, to recover what I
had lost during my stay at Wellwood House, and to lay in new stores for
future use. My father’s health was still very infirm, but not materially
worse than when I last saw him; and I was glad I had it in my power to
cheer him by my return, and to amuse him with singing his favourite
songs.
No one triumphed over my failure, or said I had better have taken his or
her advice, and quietly stayed at home. All were glad to have me back
again, and lavished more kindness than ever upon me, to make up for the
sufferings I had undergone; but not one would touch a shilling of what I
had so cheerfully earned and so carefully saved, in the hope of sharing
it with them. By dint of pinching here, and scraping there, our debts
were already nearly paid. Mary had had good success with her drawings;
but our father had insisted upon _her_ likewise keeping all the produce
of her industry to herself. All we could spare from the supply of our
humble wardrobe and our little casual expenses, he directed us to put
into the savings’-bank; saying, we knew not how soon we might be
dependent on that alone for support: for he felt he had not long to be
with us, and what would become of our mother and us when he was gone, God
only knew!
Dear papa! if he had troubled himself less about the afflictions that
threatened us in case of his death, I am convinced that dreaded event
would not have taken place so soon. My mother would never suffer him to
ponder on the subject if she could help it.
‘Oh, Richard!’ exclaimed she, on one occasion, ‘if you would but dismiss
such gloomy subjects from your mind, you would live as long as any of us;
at least you would live to see the girls married, and yourself a happy
grandfather, with a canty old dame for your companion.’
My mother laughed, and so did my father: but his laugh soon perished in a
dreary sigh.
‘_They_ married—poor penniless things!’ said he; ‘who will take them I
wonder!’
‘Why, nobody shall that isn’t thankful for them. Wasn’t I penniless when
you took me? and you _pretended_, at least, to be vastly pleased with
your acquisition. But it’s no matter whether they get married or not: we
can devise a thousand honest ways of making a livelihood. And I wonder,
Richard, you can think of bothering your head about our _poverty_ in case
of your death; as if _that_ would be anything compared with the calamity
of losing you—an affliction that you well know would swallow up all
others, and which you ought to do your utmost to preserve us from: and
there is nothing like a cheerful mind for keeping the body in health.’
‘I know, Alice, it is wrong to keep repining as I do, but I cannot help
it: you must bear with me.’
‘I _won’t_ bear with you, if I can alter you,’ replied my mother: but the
harshness of her words was undone by the earnest affection of her tone
and pleasant smile, that made my father smile again, less sadly and less
transiently than was his wont.
‘Mamma,’ said I, as soon as I could find an opportunity of speaking with
her alone, ‘my money is but little, and cannot last long; if I could
increase it, it would lessen papa’s anxiety, on one subject at least. I
cannot draw like Mary, and so the best thing I could do would be to look
out for another situation.’
‘And so you would actually try again, Agnes?’
‘Decidedly, I would.’
‘Why, my dear, I should have thought you had had enough of it.’
‘I know,’ said I, ‘everybody is not like Mr. and Mrs. Bloomfield—’
‘Some are worse,’ interrupted my mother.
‘But not many, I think,’ replied I, ‘and I’m sure all children are not
like theirs; for I and Mary were not: we always did as you bid us, didn’t
we?’
‘Generally: but then, I did not spoil you; and you were not perfect
angels after all: Mary had a fund of quiet obstinacy, and you were
somewhat faulty in regard to temper; but you were very good children on
the whole.’
‘I know I was sulky sometimes, and I should have been glad to see these
children sulky sometimes too; for then I could have understood them: but
they never were, for they _could_ not be offended, nor hurt, nor ashamed:
they could not be unhappy in any way, except when they were in a
passion.’
‘Well, if they _could_ not, it was not their fault: you cannot expect
stone to be as pliable as clay.’
‘No, but still it is very unpleasant to live with such unimpressible,
incomprehensible creatures. You cannot love them; and if you could, your
love would be utterly thrown away: they could neither return it, nor
value, nor understand it. But, however, even if I should stumble on such
a family again, which is quite unlikely, I have all this experience to
begin with, and I should manage better another time; and the end and aim
of this preamble is, let me try again.’
‘Well, my girl, you are not easily discouraged, I see: I am glad of that.
But, let me tell you, you are a good deal paler and thinner than when you
first left home; and we cannot have you undermining your health to hoard
up money either for yourself or others.’
‘Mary tells me I am changed too; and I don’t much wonder at it, for I was
in a constant state of agitation and anxiety all day long: but next time
I am determined to take things coolly.’
After some further discussion, my mother promised once more to assist me,
provided I would wait and be patient; and I left her to broach the matter
to my father, when and how she deemed it most advisable: never doubting
her ability to obtain his consent. Meantime, I searched, with great
interest, the advertising columns of the newspapers, and wrote answers to
every ‘Wanted a Governess’ that appeared at all eligible; but all my
letters, as well as the replies, when I got any, were dutifully shown to
my mother; and she, to my chagrin, made me reject the situations one
after another: these were low people, these were too exacting in their
demands, and these too niggardly in their remuneration.
‘Your talents are not such as every poor clergyman’s daughter possesses,
Agnes,’ she would say, ‘and you must not throw them away. Remember, you
promised to be patient: there is no need of hurry: you have plenty of
time before you, and may have many chances yet.’
At length, she advised me to put an advertisement, myself, in the paper,
stating my qualifications, &c.
‘Music, singing, drawing, French, Latin, and German,’ said she, ‘are no
mean assemblage: many will be glad to have so much in one instructor; and
this time, you shall try your fortune in a somewhat higher family in that
of some genuine, thoroughbred gentleman; for such are far more likely to
treat you with proper respect and consideration than those purse-proud
tradespeople and arrogant upstarts. I have known several among the
higher ranks who treated their governesses quite as one of the family;
though some, I allow, are as insolent and exacting as any one else can
be: for there are bad and good in all classes.’
The advertisement was quickly written and despatched. Of the two parties
who answered it, but one would consent to give me fifty pounds, the sum
my mother bade me name as the salary I should require; and here, I
hesitated about engaging myself, as I feared the children would be too
old, and their parents would require some one more showy, or more
experienced, if not more accomplished than I. But my mother dissuaded me
from declining it on that account: I should do vastly well, she said, if
I would only throw aside my diffidence, and acquire a little more
confidence in myself. I was just to give a plain, true statement of my
acquirements and qualifications, and name what stipulations I chose to
make, and then await the result. The only stipulation I ventured to
propose, was that I might be allowed two months’ holidays during the year
to visit my friends, at Midsummer and Christmas. The unknown lady, in
her reply, made no objection to this, and stated that, as to my
acquirements, she had no doubt I should be able to give satisfaction; but
in the engagement of governesses she considered those things as but
subordinate points; as being situated in the neighbourhood of O---, she
could get masters to supply any deficiencies in that respect: but, in her
opinion, next to unimpeachable morality, a mild and cheerful temper and
obliging disposition were the most essential requisities.
My mother did not relish this at all, and now made many objections to my
accepting the situation; in which my sister warmly supported her: but,
unwilling to be balked again, I overruled them all; and, having first
obtained the consent of my father (who had, a short time previously, been
apprised of these transactions), I wrote a most obliging epistle to my
unknown correspondent, and, finally, the bargain was concluded.
It was decreed that on the last day of January I was to enter upon my new
office as governess in the family of Mr. Murray, of Horton Lodge, near
O---, about seventy miles from our village: a formidable distance to me,
as I had never been above twenty miles from home in all the course of my
twenty years’ sojourn on earth; and as, moreover, every individual in
that family and in the neighbourhood was utterly unknown to myself and
all my acquaintances. But this rendered it only the more piquant to me.
I had now, in some measure, got rid of the _mauvaise honte_ that had
formerly oppressed me so much; there was a pleasing excitement in the
idea of entering these unknown regions, and making my way alone among its
strange inhabitants. I now flattered myself I was going to see something
in the world: Mr. Murray’s residence was near a large town, and not in a
manufacturing district, where the people had nothing to do but to make
money; his rank from what I could gather, appeared to be higher than that
of Mr. Bloomfield; and, doubtless, he was one of those genuine
thoroughbred gentry my mother spoke of, who would treat his governess
with due consideration as a respectable well-educated lady, the
instructor and guide of his children, and not a mere upper servant.
Then, my pupils being older, would be more rational, more teachable, and
less troublesome than the last; they would be less confined to the
schoolroom, and not require that constant labour and incessant watching;
and, finally, bright visions mingled with my hopes, with which the care
of children and the mere duties of a governess had little or nothing to
do. Thus, the reader will see that I had no claim to be regarded as a
martyr to filial piety, going forth to sacrifice peace and liberty for
the sole purpose of laying up stores for the comfort and support of my
parents: though certainly the comfort of my father, and the future
support of my mother, had a large share in my calculations; and fifty
pounds appeared to me no ordinary sum. I must have decent clothes
becoming my station; I must, it seemed, put out my washing, and also pay
for my four annual journeys between Horton Lodge and home; but with
strict attention to economy, surely twenty pounds, or little more, would
cover those expenses, and then there would be thirty for the bank, or
little less: what a valuable addition to our stock! Oh, I must struggle
to keep this situation, whatever it might be! both for my own honour
among my friends and for the solid services I might render them by my
continuance there.
CHAPTER VII—HORTON LODGE
The 31st of January was a wild, tempestuous day: there was a strong north
wind, with a continual storm of snow drifting on the ground and whirling
through the air. My friends would have had me delay my departure, but
fearful of prejudicing my employers against me by such want of
punctuality at the commencement of my undertaking, I persisted in keeping
the appointment.
I will not inflict upon my readers an account of my leaving home on that
dark winter morning: the fond farewells, the long, long journey to O---,
the solitary waitings in inns for coaches or trains—for there were some
railways then—and, finally, the meeting at O--- with Mr. Murray’s
servant, who had been sent with the phaeton to drive me from thence to
Horton Lodge. I will just state that the heavy snow had thrown such
impediments in the way of both horses and steam-engines, that it was dark
some hours before I reached my journey’s end, and that a most bewildering
storm came on at last, which made the few miles’ space between O--- and
Horton Lodge a long and formidable passage. I sat resigned, with the
cold, sharp snow drifting through my veil and filling my lap, seeing
nothing, and wondering how the unfortunate horse and driver could make
their way even as well as they did; and indeed it was but a toilsome,
creeping style of progression, to say the best of it. At length we
paused; and, at the call of the driver, someone unlatched and rolled back
upon their creaking hinges what appeared to be the park gates. Then we
proceeded along a smoother road, whence, occasionally, I perceived some
huge, hoary mass gleaming through the darkness, which I took to be a
portion of a snow-clad tree. After a considerable time we paused again,
before the stately portico of a large house with long windows descending
to the ground.
I rose with some difficulty from under the superincumbent snowdrift, and
alighted from the carriage, expecting that a kind and hospitable
reception would indemnify me for the toils and hardships of the day. A
gentleman person in black opened the door, and admitted me into a
spacious hall, lighted by an amber-coloured lamp suspended from the
ceiling; he led me through this, along a passage, and opening the door of
a back room, told me that was the schoolroom. I entered, and found two
young ladies and two young gentlemen—my future pupils, I supposed. After
a formal greeting, the elder girl, who was trifling over a piece of
canvas and a basket of German wools, asked if I should like to go
upstairs. I replied in the affirmative, of course.
‘Matilda, take a candle, and show her her room,’ said she.
Miss Matilda, a strapping hoyden of about fourteen, with a short frock
and trousers, shrugged her shoulders and made a slight grimace, but took
a candle and proceeded before me up the back stairs (a long, steep,
double flight), and through a long, narrow passage, to a small but
tolerably comfortable room. She then asked me if I would take some tea
or coffee. I was about to answer No; but remembering that I had taken
nothing since seven o’clock that morning, and feeling faint in
consequence, I said I would take a cup of tea. Saying she would tell
‘Brown,’ the young lady departed; and by the time I had divested myself
of my heavy, wet cloak, shawl, bonnet, &c., a mincing damsel came to say
the young ladies desired to know whether I would take my tea up there or
in the schoolroom. Under the plea of fatigue I chose to take it there.
She withdrew; and, after a while, returned again with a small tea-tray,
and placed it on the chest of drawers, which served as a dressing-table.
Having civilly thanked her, I asked at what time I should be expected to
rise in the morning.
‘The young ladies and gentlemen breakfast at half-past eight, ma’am,’
said she; ‘they rise early; but, as they seldom do any lessons before
breakfast, I should think it will do if you rise soon after seven.’
I desired her to be so kind as to call me at seven, and, promising to do
so, she withdrew. Then, having broken my long fast on a cup of tea and a
little thin bread and butter, I sat down beside the small, smouldering
fire, and amused myself with a hearty fit of crying; after which, I said
my prayers, and then, feeling considerably relieved, began to prepare for
bed. Finding that none of my luggage was brought up, I instituted a
search for the bell; and failing to discover any signs of such a
convenience in any corner of the room, I took my candle and ventured
through the long passage, and down the steep stairs, on a voyage of
discovery. Meeting a well-dressed female on the way, I told her what I
wanted; but not without considerable hesitation, as I was not quite sure
whether it was one of the upper servants, or Mrs. Murray herself: it
happened, however, to be the lady’s-maid. With the air of one conferring
an unusual favour, she vouchsafed to undertake the sending up of my
things; and when I had re-entered my room, and waited and wondered a long
time (greatly fearing that she had forgotten or neglected to perform her
promise, and doubting whether to keep waiting or go to bed, or go down
again), my hopes, at length, were revived by the sound of voices and
laughter, accompanied by the tramp of feet along the passage; and
presently the luggage was brought in by a rough-looking maid and a man,
neither of them very respectful in their demeanour to me. Having shut
the door upon their retiring footsteps, and unpacked a few of my things,
I betook myself to rest; gladly enough, for I was weary in body and mind.
It was with a strange feeling of desolation, mingled with a strong sense
of the novelty of my situation, and a joyless kind of curiosity
concerning what was yet unknown, that I awoke the next morning; feeling
like one whirled away by enchantment, and suddenly dropped from the
clouds into a remote and unknown land, widely and completely isolated
from all he had ever seen or known before; or like a thistle-seed borne
on the wind to some strange nook of uncongenial soil, where it must lie
long enough before it can take root and germinate, extracting nourishment
from what appears so alien to its nature: if, indeed, it ever can. But
this gives no proper idea of my feelings at all; and no one that has not
lived such a retired, stationary life as mine, can possibly imagine what
they were: hardly even if he has known what it is to awake some morning,
and find himself in Port Nelson, in New Zealand, with a world of waters
between himself and all that knew him.
I shall not soon forget the peculiar feeling with which I raised my blind
and looked out upon the unknown world: a wide, white wilderness was all
that met my gaze; a waste of
Deserts tossed in snow,
And heavy laden groves.
I descended to the schoolroom with no remarkable eagerness to join my
pupils, though not without some feeling of curiosity respecting what a
further acquaintance would reveal. One thing, among others of more
obvious importance, I determined with myself—I must begin with calling
them Miss and Master. It seemed to me a chilling and unnatural piece of
punctilio between the children of a family and their instructor and daily
companion; especially where the former were in their early childhood, as
at Wellwood House; but even there, my calling the little Bloomfields by
their simple names had been regarded as an offensive liberty: as their
parents had taken care to show me, by carefully designating them _Master_
and _Miss_ Bloomfield, &c., in speaking to me. I had been very slow to
take the hint, because the whole affair struck me as so very absurd; but
now I determined to be wiser, and begin at once with as much form and
ceremony as any member of the family would be likely to require: and,
indeed, the children being so much older, there would be less difficulty;
though the little words Miss and Master seemed to have a surprising
effect in repressing all familiar, open-hearted kindness, and
extinguishing every gleam of cordiality that might arise between us.
As I cannot, like Dogberry, find it in my heart to bestow all my
tediousness upon the reader, I will not go on to bore him with a minute
detail of all the discoveries and proceedings of this and the following
day. No doubt he will be amply satisfied with a slight sketch of the
different members of the family, and a general view of the first year or
two of my sojourn among them.
To begin with the head: Mr. Murray was, by all accounts, a blustering,
roystering, country squire: a devoted fox-hunter, a skilful horse-jockey
and farrier, an active, practical farmer, and a hearty _bon vivant_. By
all accounts, I say; for, except on Sundays, when he went to church, I
never saw him from month to month: unless, in crossing the hall or
walking in the grounds, the figure of a tall, stout gentleman, with
scarlet cheeks and crimson nose, happened to come across me; on which
occasions, if he passed near enough to speak, an unceremonious nod,
accompanied by a ‘Morning, Miss Grey,’ or some such brief salutation, was
usually vouchsafed. Frequently, indeed, his loud laugh reached me from
afar; and oftener still I heard him swearing and blaspheming against the
footmen, groom, coachman, or some other hapless dependant.
Mrs. Murray was a handsome, dashing lady of forty, who certainly required
neither rouge nor padding to add to her charms; and whose chief
enjoyments were, or seemed to be, in giving or frequenting parties, and
in dressing at the very top of the fashion. I did not see her till
eleven o’clock on the morning after my arrival; when she honoured me with
a visit, just as my mother might step into the kitchen to see a new
servant-girl: yet not so, either, for my mother would have seen her
immediately after her arrival, and not waited till the next day; and,
moreover, she would have addressed her in a more kind and friendly
manner, and given her some words of comfort as well as a plain exposition
of her duties; but Mrs. Murray did neither the one nor the other. She
just stepped into the schoolroom on her return from ordering dinner in
the housekeeper’s room, bade me good-morning, stood for two minutes by
the fire, said a few words about the weather and the ‘rather rough’
journey I must have had yesterday; petted her youngest child—a boy of
ten—who had just been wiping his mouth and hands on her gown, after
indulging in some savoury morsel from the housekeeper’s store; told me
what a sweet, good boy he was; and then sailed out, with a
self-complacent smile upon her face: thinking, no doubt, that she had
done quite enough for the present, and had been delightfully
condescending into the bargain. Her children evidently held the same
opinion, and I alone thought otherwise.
After this she looked in upon me once or twice, during the absence of my
pupils, to enlighten me concerning my duties towards them. For the girls
she seemed anxious only to render them as superficially attractive and
showily accomplished as they could possibly be made, without present
trouble or discomfort to themselves; and I was to act accordingly—to
study and strive to amuse and oblige, instruct, refine, and polish, with
the least possible exertion on their part, and no exercise of authority
on mine. With regard to the two boys, it was much the same; only instead
of accomplishments, I was to get the greatest possible quantity of Latin
grammar and Valpy’s Delectus into their heads, in order to fit them for
school—the greatest possible quantity at least _without_ trouble to
themselves. John might be a ‘little high-spirited,’ and Charles might be
a little ‘nervous and tedious—’
‘But at all events, Miss Grey,’ said she, ‘I hope _you_ will keep your
temper, and be mild and patient throughout; especially with the dear
little Charles; he is so extremely nervous and susceptible, and so
utterly unaccustomed to anything but the tenderest treatment. You will
excuse my naming these things to you; for the fact is, I have hitherto
found all the governesses, even the very best of them, faulty in this
particular. They wanted that meek and quiet spirit, which St. Matthew,
or some of them, says is better than the putting on of apparel—you will
know the passage to which I allude, for you are a clergyman’s daughter.
But I have no doubt you will give satisfaction in this respect as well as
the rest. And remember, on all occasions, when any of the young people
do anything improper, if persuasion and gentle remonstrance will not do,
let one of the others come and tell me; for I can speak to them more
plainly than it would be proper for you to do. And make them as happy as
you can, Miss Grey, and I dare say you will do very well.’
I observed that while Mrs. Murray was so extremely solicitous for the
comfort and happiness of her children, and continually talking about it,
she never once mentioned mine; though they were at home, surrounded by
friends, and I an alien among strangers; and I did not yet know enough of
the world, not to be considerably surprised at this anomaly.
Miss Murray, otherwise Rosalie, was about sixteen when I came, and
decidedly a very pretty girl; and in two years longer, as time more
completely developed her form and added grace to her carriage and
deportment, she became positively beautiful; and that in no common
degree. She was tall and slender, yet not thin; perfectly formed,
exquisitely fair, though not without a brilliant, healthy bloom; her
hair, which she wore in a profusion of long ringlets, was of a very light
brown inclining to yellow; her eyes were pale blue, but so clear and
bright that few would wish them darker; the rest of her features were
small, not quite regular, and not remarkably otherwise: but altogether
you could not hesitate to pronounce her a very lovely girl. I wish I
could say as much for mind and disposition as I can for her form and
face.
Yet think not I have any dreadful disclosures to make: she was lively,
light-hearted, and could be very agreeable, with those who did not cross
her will. Towards me, when I first came, she was cold and haughty, then
insolent and overbearing; but, on a further acquaintance, she gradually
laid aside her airs, and in time became as deeply attached to me as it
was possible for _her_ to be to one of my character and position: for she
seldom lost sight, for above half an hour at a time, of the fact of my
being a hireling and a poor curate’s daughter. And yet, upon the whole,
I believe she respected me more than she herself was aware of; because I
was the only person in the house who steadily professed good principles,
habitually spoke the truth, and generally endeavoured to make inclination
bow to duty; and this I say, not, of course, in commendation of myself,
but to show the unfortunate state of the family to which my services
were, for the present, devoted. There was no member of it in whom I
regretted this sad want of principle so much as Miss Murray herself; not
only because she had taken a fancy to me, but because there was so much
of what was pleasant and prepossessing in herself, that, in spite of her
failings, I really liked her—when she did not rouse my indignation, or
ruffle my temper by _too_ great a display of her faults. These, however,
I would fain persuade myself were rather the effect of her education than
her disposition: she had never been perfectly taught the distinction
between right and wrong; she had, like her brothers and sisters, been
suffered, from infancy, to tyrannize over nurses, governesses, and
servants; she had not been taught to moderate her desires, to control her
temper or bridle her will, or to sacrifice her own pleasure for the good
of others. Her temper being naturally good, she was never violent or
morose, but from constant indulgence, and habitual scorn of reason, she
was often testy and capricious; her mind had never been cultivated: her
intellect, at best, was somewhat shallow; she possessed considerable
vivacity, some quickness of perception, and some talent for music and the
acquisition of languages, but till fifteen she had troubled herself to
acquire nothing;—then the love of display had roused her faculties, and
induced her to apply herself, but only to the more showy accomplishments.
And when I came it was the same: everything was neglected but French,
German, music, singing, dancing, fancy-work, and a little drawing—such
drawing as might produce the greatest show with the smallest labour, and
the principal parts of which were generally done by me. For music and
singing, besides my occasional instructions, she had the attendance of
the best master the country afforded; and in these accomplishments, as
well as in dancing, she certainly attained great proficiency. To music,
indeed, she devoted too much of her time, as, governess though I was, I
frequently told her; but her mother thought that if _she_ liked it, she
_could_ not give too much time to the acquisition of so attractive an
art. Of fancy-work I knew nothing but what I gathered from my pupil and
my own observation; but no sooner was I initiated, than she made me
useful in twenty different ways: all the tedious parts of her work were
shifted on to my shoulders; such as stretching the frames, stitching in
the canvas, sorting the wools and silks, putting in the grounds, counting
the stitches, rectifying mistakes, and finishing the pieces she was tired
of.
At sixteen, Miss Murray was something of a romp, yet not more so than is
natural and allowable for a girl of that age, but at seventeen, that
propensity, like all other things, began to give way to the ruling
passion, and soon was swallowed up in the all-absorbing ambition to
attract and dazzle the other sex. But enough of her: now let us turn to
her sister.
Miss Matilda Murray was a veritable hoyden, of whom little need be said.
She was about two years and a half younger than her sister; her features
were larger, her complexion much darker. She might possibly make a
handsome woman; but she was far too big-boned and awkward ever to be
called a pretty girl, and at present she cared little about it. Rosalie
knew all her charms, and thought them even greater than they were, and
valued them more highly than she ought to have done, had they been three
times as great; Matilda thought she was well enough, but cared little
about the matter; still less did she care about the cultivation of her
mind, and the acquisition of ornamental accomplishments. The manner in
which she learnt her lessons and practised her music was calculated to
drive any governess to despair. Short and easy as her tasks were, if
done at all, they were slurred over, at any time and in any way; but
generally at the least convenient times, and in the way least beneficial
to herself, and least satisfactory to me: the short half-hour of
practising was horribly strummed through; she, meantime, unsparingly
abusing me, either for interrupting her with corrections, or for not
rectifying her mistakes before they were made, or something equally
unreasonable. Once or twice, I ventured to remonstrate with her
seriously for such irrational conduct; but on each of those occasions, I
received such reprehensive expostulations from her mother, as convinced
me that, if I wished to keep the situation, I must even let Miss Matilda
go on in her own way.
When her lessons were over, however, her ill-humour was generally over
too: while riding her spirited pony, or romping with the dogs or her
brothers and sister, but especially with her dear brother John, she was
as happy as a lark. As an animal, Matilda was all right, full of life,
vigour, and activity; as an intelligent being, she was barbarously
ignorant, indocile, careless and irrational; and, consequently, very
distressing to one who had the task of cultivating her understanding,
reforming her manners, and aiding her to acquire those ornamental
attainments which, unlike her sister, she despised as much as the rest.
Her mother was partly aware of her deficiencies, and gave me many a
lecture as to how I should try to form her tastes, and endeavour to rouse
and cherish her dormant vanity; and, by insinuating, skilful flattery, to
win her attention to the desired objects—which I would not do; and how I
should prepare and smooth the path of learning till she could glide along
it without the least exertion to herself: which I could not, for nothing
can be taught to any purpose without some little exertion on the part of
the learner.
As a moral agent, Matilda was reckless, headstrong, violent, and
unamenable to reason. One proof of the deplorable state of her mind was,
that from her father’s example she had learned to swear like a trooper.
Her mother was greatly shocked at the ‘unlady-like trick,’ and wondered
‘how she had picked it up.’ ‘But you can soon break her of it, Miss
Grey,’ said she: ‘it is only a habit; and if you will just gently remind
her every time she does so, I am sure she will soon lay it aside.’ I not
only ‘gently reminded’ her, I tried to impress upon her how wrong it was,
and how distressing to the ears of decent people: but all in vain: I was
only answered by a careless laugh, and, ‘Oh, Miss Grey, how shocked you
are! I’m so glad!’ or, ‘Well! I can’t help it; papa shouldn’t have
taught me: I learned it all from him; and maybe a bit from the coachman.’
Her brother John, _alias_ Master Murray, was about eleven when I came: a
fine, stout, healthy boy, frank and good-natured in the main, and might
have been a decent lad had he been properly educated; but now he was as
rough as a young bear, boisterous, unruly, unprincipled, untaught,
unteachable—at least, for a governess under his mother’s eye. His
masters at school might be able to manage him better—for to school he was
sent, greatly to my relief, in the course of a year; in a state, it is
true, of scandalous ignorance as to Latin, as well as the more useful
though more neglected things: and this, doubtless, would all be laid to
the account of his education having been entrusted to an ignorant female
teacher, who had presumed to take in hand what she was wholly incompetent
to perform. I was not delivered from his brother till full twelve months
after, when he also was despatched in the same state of disgraceful
ignorance as the former.
Master Charles was his mother’s peculiar darling. He was little more
than a year younger than John, but much smaller, paler, and less active
and robust; a pettish, cowardly, capricious, selfish little fellow, only
active in doing mischief, and only clever in inventing falsehoods: not
simply to hide his faults, but, in mere malicious wantonness, to bring
odium upon others. In fact, Master Charles was a very great nuisance to
me: it was a trial of patience to live with him peaceably; to watch over
him was worse; and to teach him, or pretend to teach him, was
inconceivable. At ten years old, he could not read correctly the easiest
line in the simplest book; and as, according to his mother’s principle,
he was to be told every word, before he had time to hesitate or examine
its orthography, and never even to be informed, as a stimulant to
exertion, that other boys were more forward than he, it is not surprising
that he made but little progress during the two years I had charge of his
education. His minute portions of Latin grammar, &c., were to be
repeated over to him, till he chose to say he knew them, and then he was
to be helped to say them; if he made mistakes in his little easy sums in
arithmetic, they were to be shown him at once, and the sum done for him,
instead of his being left to exercise his faculties in finding them out
himself; so that, of course, he took no pains to avoid mistakes, but
frequently set down his figures at random, without any calculation at
all.
I did not invariably confine myself to these rules: it was against my
conscience to do so; but I seldom could venture to deviate from them in
the slightest degree, without incurring the wrath of my little pupil, and
subsequently of his mamma; to whom he would relate my transgressions
maliciously exaggerated, or adorned with embellishments of his own; and
often, in consequence, was I on the point of losing or resigning my
situation. But, for their sakes at home, I smothered my pride and
suppressed my indignation, and managed to struggle on till my little
tormentor was despatched to school; his father declaring that home
education was ‘no go; for him, it was plain; his mother spoiled him
outrageously, and his governess could make no hand of him at all.’
A few more observations about Horton Lodge and its ongoings, and I have
done with dry description for the present. The house was a very
respectable one; superior to Mr. Bloomfield’s, both in age, size, and
magnificence: the garden was not so tastefully laid out; but instead of
the smooth-shaven lawn, the young trees guarded by palings, the grove of
upstart poplars, and the plantation of firs, there was a wide park,
stocked with deer, and beautified by fine old trees. The surrounding
country itself was pleasant, as far as fertile fields, flourishing trees,
quiet green lanes, and smiling hedges with wild-flowers scattered along
their banks, could make it; but it was depressingly flat to one born and
nurtured among the rugged hills of ---.
We were situated nearly two miles from the village church, and,
consequently, the family carriage was put in requisition every Sunday
morning, and sometimes oftener. Mr. and Mrs. Murray generally thought it
sufficient to show themselves at church once in the course of the day;
but frequently the children preferred going a second time to wandering
about the grounds all the day with nothing to do. If some of my pupils
chose to walk and take me with them, it was well for me; for otherwise my
position in the carriage was to be crushed into the corner farthest from
the open window, and with my back to the horses: a position which
invariably made me sick; and if I were not actually obliged to leave the
church in the middle of the service, my devotions were disturbed with a
feeling of languor and sickliness, and the tormenting fear of its
becoming worse: and a depressing headache was generally my companion
throughout the day, which would otherwise have been one of welcome rest,
and holy, calm enjoyment.
‘It’s very odd, Miss Grey, that the carriage should always make you sick:
it never makes _me_,’ remarked Miss Matilda,
‘Nor me either,’ said her sister; ‘but I dare say it would, if I sat
where she does—such a nasty, horrid place, Miss Grey; I wonder how you
can bear it!’
‘I am obliged to bear it, since no choice is left me,’—I might have
answered; but in tenderness for their feelings I only replied,—‘Oh! it is
but a short way, and if I am not sick in church, I don’t mind it.’
If I were called upon to give a description of the usual divisions and
arrangements of the day, I should find it a very difficult matter. I had
all my meals in the schoolroom with my pupils, at such times as suited
their fancy: sometimes they would ring for dinner before it was half
cooked; sometimes they would keep it waiting on the table for above an
hour, and then be out of humour because the potatoes were cold, and the
gravy covered with cakes of solid fat; sometimes they would have tea at
four; frequently, they would storm at the servants because it was not in
precisely at five; and when these orders were obeyed, by way of
encouragement to punctuality, they would keep it on the table till seven
or eight.
Their hours of study were managed in much the same way; my judgment or
convenience was never once consulted. Sometimes Matilda and John would
determine ‘to get all the plaguy business over before breakfast,’ and
send the maid to call me up at half-past five, without any scruple or
apology; sometimes, I was told to be ready precisely at six, and, having
dressed in a hurry, came down to an empty room, and after waiting a long
time in suspense, discovered that they had changed their minds, and were
still in bed; or, perhaps, if it were a fine summer morning, Brown would
come to tell me that the young ladies and gentlemen had taken a holiday,
and were gone out; and then I was kept waiting for breakfast till I was
almost ready to faint: they having fortified themselves with something
before they went.
Often they would do their lessons in the open air; which I had nothing to
say against: except that I frequently caught cold by sitting on the damp
grass, or from exposure to the evening dew, or some insidious draught,
which seemed to have no injurious effect on them. It was quite right
that they should be hardy; yet, surely, they might have been taught some
consideration for others who were less so. But I must not blame them for
what was, perhaps, my own fault; for I never made any particular
objections to sitting where they pleased; foolishly choosing to risk the
consequences, rather than trouble them for my convenience. Their
indecorous manner of doing their lessons was quite as remarkable as the
caprice displayed in their choice of time and place. While receiving my
instructions, or repeating what they had learned, they would lounge upon
the sofa, lie on the rug, stretch, yawn, talk to each other, or look out
of the window; whereas, I could not so much as stir the fire, or pick up
the handkerchief I had dropped, without being rebuked for inattention by
one of my pupils, or told that ‘mamma would not like me to be so
careless.’
The servants, seeing in what little estimation the governess was held by
both parents and children, regulated their behaviour by the same
standard. I have frequently stood up for them, at the risk of some
injury to myself, against the tyranny and injustice of their young
masters and mistresses; and I always endeavoured to give them as little
trouble as possible: but they entirely neglected my comfort, despised my
requests, and slighted my directions. All servants, I am convinced,
would not have done so; but domestics in general, being ignorant and
little accustomed to reason and reflection, are too easily corrupted by
the carelessness and bad example of those above them; and these, I think,
were not of the best order to begin with.
I sometimes felt myself degraded by the life I led, and ashamed of
submitting to so many indignities; and sometimes I thought myself a fool
for caring so much about them, and feared I must be sadly wanting in
Christian humility, or that charity which ‘suffereth long and is kind,
seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, beareth all things, endureth
all things.’
But, with time and patience, matters began to be slightly ameliorated:
slowly, it is true, and almost imperceptibly; but I got rid of my male
pupils (that was no trifling advantage), and the girls, as I intimated
before concerning one of them, became a little less insolent, and began
to show some symptoms of esteem. ‘Miss Grey was a queer creature: she
never flattered, and did not praise them half enough; but whenever she
did speak favourably of them, or anything belonging to them, they could
be quite sure her approbation was sincere. She was very obliging, quiet,
and peaceable in the main, but there were some things that put her out of
temper: they did not much care for that, to be sure, but still it was
better to keep her in tune; as when she was in a good humour she would
talk to them, and be very agreeable and amusing sometimes, in her way;
which was quite different to mamma’s, but still very well for a change.
She had her own opinions on every subject, and kept steadily to them—very
tiresome opinions they often were; as she was always thinking of what was
right and what was wrong, and had a strange reverence for matters
connected with religion, and an unaccountable liking to good people.’
CHAPTER VIII—THE ‘COMING OUT’
At eighteen, Miss Murray was to emerge from the quiet obscurity of the
schoolroom into the full blaze of the fashionable world—as much of it, at
least, as could be had out of London; for her papa could not be persuaded
to leave his rural pleasures and pursuits, even for a few weeks’
residence in town. She was to make her début on the third of January, at
a magnificent ball, which her mamma proposed to give to all the nobility
and choice gentry of O--- and its neighbourhood for twenty miles round.
Of course, she looked forward to it with the wildest impatience, and the
most extravagant anticipations of delight.
‘Miss Grey,’ said she, one evening, a month before the all-important day,
as I was perusing a long and extremely interesting letter of my
sister’s—which I had just glanced at in the morning to see that it
contained no very bad news, and kept till now, unable before to find a
quiet moment for reading it,—‘Miss Grey, do put away that dull, stupid
letter, and listen to me! I’m sure my talk must be far more amusing than
that.’
She seated herself on the low stool at my feet; and I, suppressing a sigh
of vexation, began to fold up the epistle.
‘You should tell the good people at home not to bore you with such long
letters,’ said she; ‘and, above all, do bid them write on proper
note-paper, and not on those great vulgar sheets. You should see the
charming little lady-like notes mamma writes to her friends.’
‘The good people at home,’ replied I, ‘know very well that the longer
their letters are, the better I like them. I should be very sorry to
receive a charming little lady-like note from any of them; and I thought
you were too much of a lady yourself, Miss Murray, to talk about the
“vulgarity” of writing on a large sheet of paper.’
‘Well, I only said it to tease you. But now I want to talk about the
ball; and to tell you that you positively must put off your holidays till
it is over.’
‘Why so?—I shall not be present at the ball.’
‘No, but you will see the rooms decked out before it begins, and hear the
music, and, above all, see me in my splendid new dress. I shall be so
charming, you’ll be ready to worship me—you really must stay.’
‘I should like to see you very much; but I shall have many opportunities
of seeing you equally charming, on the occasion of some of the numberless
balls and parties that are to be, and I cannot disappoint my friends by
postponing my return so long.’
‘Oh, never mind your friends! Tell them we won’t let you go.’
‘But, to say the truth, it would be a disappointment to myself: I long to
see them as much as they to see me—perhaps more.’
‘Well, but it is such a short time.’
‘Nearly a fortnight by my computation; and, besides, I cannot bear the
thoughts of a Christmas spent from home: and, moreover, my sister is
going to be married.’
‘Is she—when?’
‘Not till next month; but I want to be there to assist her in making
preparations, and to make the best of her company while we have her.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’
‘I’ve only got the news in this letter, which you stigmatize as dull and
stupid, and won’t let me read.’
‘To whom is she to be married?’
‘To Mr. Richardson, the vicar of a neighbouring parish.’
‘Is he rich?’
‘No; only comfortable.’
‘Is he handsome?’
‘No; only decent.’
‘Young?’
‘No; only middling.’
‘Oh, mercy! what a wretch! What sort of a house is it?’
‘A quiet little vicarage, with an ivy-clad porch, an old-fashioned
garden, and—’
‘Oh, stop!—you’ll make me sick. How _can_ she bear it?’
‘I expect she’ll not only be able to bear it, but to be very happy. You
did not ask me if Mr. Richardson were a good, wise, or amiable man; I
could have answered Yes, to all these questions—at least so Mary thinks,
and I hope she will not find herself mistaken.’
‘But—miserable creature! how can she think of spending her life there,
cooped up with that nasty old man; and no hope of change?’
‘He is not old: he’s only six or seven and thirty; and she herself is
twenty-eight, and as sober as if she were fifty.’
‘Oh! that’s better then—they’re well matched; but do they call him the
“worthy vicar”?’
‘I don’t know; but if they do, I believe he merits the epithet.’
‘Mercy, how shocking! and will she wear a white apron and make pies and
puddings?’
‘I don’t know about the white apron, but I dare say she will make pies
and puddings now and then; but that will be no great hardship, as she has
done it before.’
‘And will she go about in a plain shawl, and a large straw bonnet,
carrying tracts and bone soup to her husband’s poor parishioners?’
‘I’m not clear about that; but I dare say she will do her best to make
them comfortable in body and mind, in accordance with our mother’s
example.’
CHAPTER IX—THE BALL
‘Now, Miss Grey,’ exclaimed Miss Murray, immediately I entered the
schoolroom, after having taken off my outdoor garments, upon returning
from my four weeks’ recreation, ‘Now—shut the door, and sit down, and
I’ll tell you all about the ball.’
‘No—damn it, no!’ shouted Miss Matilda. ‘Hold your tongue, can’t ye? and
let me tell her about my new mare—_such_ a splendour, Miss Grey! a fine
blood mare—’
‘Do be quiet, Matilda; and let me tell my news first.’
‘No, no, Rosalie; you’ll be such a damned long time over it—she shall
hear me first—I’ll be hanged if she doesn’t!’
‘I’m sorry to hear, Miss Matilda, that you’ve not got rid of that
shocking habit yet.’
‘Well, I can’t help it: but I’ll never say a wicked word again, if you’ll
only listen to me, and tell Rosalie to hold her confounded tongue.’
Rosalie remonstrated, and I thought I should have been torn in pieces
between them; but Miss Matilda having the loudest voice, her sister at
length gave in, and suffered her to tell her story first: so I was doomed
to hear a long account of her splendid mare, its breeding and pedigree,
its paces, its action, its spirit, &c., and of her own amazing skill and
courage in riding it; concluding with an assertion that she could clear a
five-barred gate ‘like winking,’ that papa said she might hunt the next
time the hounds met, and mamma had ordered a bright scarlet hunting-habit
for her.
‘Oh, Matilda! what stories you are telling!’ exclaimed her sister.
‘Well,’ answered she, no whit abashed, ‘I know I _could_ clear a
five-barred gate, if I tried, and papa _will_ say I may hunt, and mamma
_will_ order the habit when I ask it.’
‘Well, now get along,’ replied Miss Murray; ‘and do, dear Matilda, try to
be a little more lady-like. Miss Grey, I wish you would tell her not to
use such shocking words; she will call her horse a mare: it is so
inconceivably shocking! and then she uses such dreadful expressions in
describing it: she must have learned it from the grooms. It nearly puts
me into fits when she begins.’
‘I learned it from papa, you ass! and his jolly friends,’ said the young
lady, vigorously cracking a hunting-whip, which she habitually carried in
her hand. ‘I’m as good judge of horseflesh as the best of ’m.’
‘Well, now get along, you shocking girl! I really shall take a fit if
you go on in such a way. And now, Miss Grey, attend to me; I’m going to
tell you about the ball. You must be dying to hear about it, I know.
Oh, _such_ a ball! You never saw or heard, or read, or dreamt of
anything like it in all your life. The decorations, the entertainment,
the supper, the music were indescribable! and then the guests! There
were two noblemen, three baronets, and five titled ladies, and other
ladies and gentlemen innumerable. The ladies, of course, were of no
consequence to me, except to put me in a good humour with myself, by
showing how ugly and awkward most of them were; and the best, mamma told
me,—the most transcendent beauties among them, were nothing to me. As
for me, Miss Grey—I’m so _sorry_ you didn’t see me! I was
_charming_—wasn’t I, Matilda?’
‘Middling.’
‘No, but I really was—at least so mamma said—and Brown and Williamson.
Brown said she was sure no gentleman could set eyes on me without falling
in love that minute; and so I may be allowed to be a little vain. I know
you think me a shocking, conceited, frivolous girl; but then, you know, I
don’t attribute it _all_ to my personal attractions: I give some praise
to the hairdresser, and some to my exquisitely lovely dress—you must see
it to-morrow—white gauze over pink satin—and so _sweetly_ made! and a
necklace and bracelet of beautiful, large pearls!’
‘I have no doubt you looked very charming: but should that delight you so
very much?’
‘Oh, no!—not that alone: but, then, I was so much admired; and I made so
_many_ conquests in that one night—you’d be astonished to hear—’
‘But what good will they do you?’
‘What good! Think of any woman asking that!’
‘Well, I should think one conquest would be enough; and too much, unless
the subjugation were mutual.’
‘Oh, but you know I never agree with you on those points. Now, wait a
bit, and I’ll tell you my principal admirers—those who made themselves
very conspicuous that night and after: for I’ve been to two parties
since. Unfortunately the two noblemen, Lord G--- and Lord F---, were
married, or I might have condescended to be particularly gracious to
_them_; as it was, I did not: though Lord F---, who hates his wife, was
evidently much struck with me. He asked me to dance with him twice—he is
a charming dancer, by-the-by, and so am I: you can’t think how well I
did—I was astonished at myself. My lord was very complimentary
too—rather too much so in fact—and I thought proper to be a little
haughty and repellent; but I had the pleasure of seeing his nasty, cross
wife ready to perish with spite and vexation—’
‘Oh, Miss Murray! you don’t mean to say that such a thing could really
give you pleasure? However cross or—’
‘Well, I know it’s very wrong;—but never mind! I mean to be good some
time—only don’t preach now, there’s a good creature. I haven’t told you
half yet. Let me see. Oh! I was going to tell you how many
unmistakeable admirers I had:—Sir Thomas Ashby was one,—Sir Hugh Meltham
and Sir Broadley Wilson are old codgers, only fit companions for papa and
mamma. Sir Thomas is young, rich, and gay; but an ugly beast,
nevertheless: however, mamma says I should not mind that after a few
months’ acquaintance. Then, there was Henry Meltham, Sir Hugh’s younger
son; rather good-looking, and a pleasant fellow to flirt with: but
_being_ a younger son, that is all he is good for; then there was young
Mr. Green, rich enough, but of no family, and a great stupid fellow, a
mere country booby! and then, our good rector, Mr. Hatfield: an _humble_
admirer he ought to consider himself; but I fear he has forgotten to
number humility among his stock of Christian virtues.’
‘Was Mr. Hatfield at the ball?’
‘Yes, to be sure. Did you think he was too good to go?’
‘I thought be might consider it unclerical.’
‘By no means. He did not profane his cloth by dancing; but it was with
difficulty he could refrain, poor man: he looked as if he were dying to
ask my hand just for _one_ set; and—oh! by-the-by—he’s got a new curate:
that seedy old fellow Mr. Bligh has got his long-wished-for living at
last, and is gone.’
‘And what is the new one like?’
‘Oh, _such_ a beast! Weston his name is. I can give you his description
in three words—an insensate, ugly, stupid blockhead. That’s four, but no
matter—enough of _him_ now.’
Then she returned to the ball, and gave me a further account of her
deportment there, and at the several parties she had since attended; and
further particulars respecting Sir Thomas Ashby and Messrs. Meltham,
Green, and Hatfield, and the ineffaceable impression she had wrought upon
each of them.
‘Well, which of the four do you like best?’ said I, suppressing my third
or fourth yawn.
‘I detest them all!’ replied she, shaking her bright ringlets in
vivacious scorn.
‘That means, I suppose, “I like them all”—but which most?’
‘No, I really detest them all; but Harry Meltham is the handsomest and
most amusing, and Mr. Hatfield the cleverest, Sir Thomas the wickedest,
and Mr. Green the most stupid. But the one I’m to have, I suppose, if
I’m doomed to have any of them, is Sir Thomas Ashby.’
‘Surely not, if he’s so wicked, and if you dislike him?’
‘Oh, I don’t mind his being wicked: he’s all the better for that; and as
for disliking him—I shouldn’t greatly object to being Lady Ashby of Ashby
Park, if I must marry. But if I could be always young, I would be always
single. I should like to enjoy myself thoroughly, and coquet with all
the world, till I am on the verge of being called an old maid; and then,
to escape the infamy of that, after having made ten thousand conquests,
to break all their hearts save one, by marrying some high-born, rich,
indulgent husband, whom, on the other hand, fifty ladies were dying to
have.’
‘Well, as long as you entertain these views, keep single by all means,
and never marry at all: not even to escape the infamy of old-maidenhood.’
CHAPTER X—THE CHURCH
‘Well, Miss Grey, what do you think of the new curate?’ asked Miss
Murray, on our return from church the Sunday after the recommencement of
our duties.
‘I can scarcely tell,’ was my reply: ‘I have not even heard him preach.’
‘Well, but you saw him, didn’t you?’
‘Yes, but I cannot pretend to judge of a man’s character by a single
cursory glance at his face.’
‘But isn’t he ugly?’
‘He did not strike me as being particularly so; I don’t dislike that cast
of countenance: but the only thing I particularly noticed about him was
his style of reading; which appeared to me good—infinitely better, at
least, than Mr. Hatfield’s. He read the Lessons as if he were bent on
giving full effect to every passage; it seemed as if the most careless
person could not have helped attending, nor the most ignorant have failed
to understand; and the prayers he read as if he were not reading at all,
but praying earnestly and sincerely from his own heart.’
‘Oh, yes, that’s all he is good for: he can plod through the service well
enough; but he has not a single idea beyond it.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Oh! I know perfectly well; I am an excellent judge in such matters. Did
you see how he went out of church? stumping along—as if there were nobody
there but himself—never looking to the right hand or the left, and
evidently thinking of nothing but just getting out of the church, and,
perhaps, home to his dinner: his great stupid head could contain no other
idea.’
‘I suppose you would have had him cast a glance into the squire’s pew,’
said I, laughing at the vehemence of her hostility.
‘Indeed! I should have been highly indignant if he had dared to do such a
thing!’ replied she, haughtily tossing her head; then, after a moment’s
reflection, she added—‘Well, well! I suppose he’s good enough for his
place: but I’m glad I’m not dependent on _him_ for amusement—that’s all.
Did you see how Mr. Hatfield hurried out to get a bow from me, and be in
time to put us into the carriage?’
‘Yes,’ answered I; internally adding, ‘and I thought it somewhat
derogatory to his dignity as a clergyman to come flying from the pulpit
in such eager haste to shake hands with the squire, and hand his wife and
daughters into their carriage: and, moreover, I owe him a grudge for
nearly shutting me out of it’; for, in fact, though I was standing before
his face, close beside the carriage steps, waiting to get in, he would
persist in putting them up and closing the door, till one of the family
stopped him by calling out that the governess was not in yet; then,
without a word of apology, he departed, wishing them good-morning, and
leaving the footman to finish the business.
_Nota bene_.—Mr. Hatfield never spoke to me, neither did Sir Hugh or Lady
Meltham, nor Mr. Harry or Miss Meltham, nor Mr. Green or his sisters, nor
any other lady or gentleman who frequented that church: nor, in fact, any
one that visited at Horton Lodge.
Miss Murray ordered the carriage again, in the afternoon, for herself and
her sister: she said it was too cold for them to enjoy themselves in the
garden; and besides, she believed Harry Meltham would be at church.
‘For,’ said she, smiling slyly at her own fair image in the glass, ‘he
has been a most exemplary attendant at church these last few Sundays: you
would think he was quite a good Christian. And you may go with us, Miss
Grey: I want you to see him; he is so greatly improved since he returned
from abroad—you can’t think! And besides, then you will have an
opportunity of seeing the beautiful Mr. Weston again, and of hearing him
preach.’
I did hear him preach, and was decidedly pleased with the evangelical
truth of his doctrine, as well as the earnest simplicity of his manner,
and the clearness and force of his style. It was truly refreshing to
hear such a sermon, after being so long accustomed to the dry, prosy
discourses of the former curate, and the still less edifying harangues of
the rector. Mr. Hatfield would come sailing up the aisle, or rather
sweeping along like a whirlwind, with his rich silk gown flying behind
him and rustling against the pew doors, mount the pulpit like a conqueror
ascending his triumphal car; then, sinking on the velvet cushion in an
attitude of studied grace, remain in silent prostration for a certain
time; then mutter over a Collect, and gabble through the Lord’s Prayer,
rise, draw off one bright lavender glove, to give the congregation the
benefit of his sparkling rings, lightly pass his fingers through his
well-curled hair, flourish a cambric handkerchief, recite a very short
passage, or, perhaps, a mere phrase of Scripture, as a head-piece to his
discourse, and, finally, deliver a composition which, as a composition,
might be considered good, though far too studied and too artificial to be
pleasing to me: the propositions were well laid down, the arguments
logically conducted; and yet, it was sometimes hard to listen quietly
throughout, without some slight demonstrations of disapproval or
impatience.
His favourite subjects were church discipline, rites and ceremonies,
apostolical succession, the duty of reverence and obedience to the
clergy, the atrocious criminality of dissent, the absolute necessity of
observing all the forms of godliness, the reprehensible presumption of
individuals who attempted to think for themselves in matters connected
with religion, or to be guided by their own interpretations of Scripture,
and, occasionally (to please his wealthy parishioners) the necessity of
deferential obedience from the poor to the rich—supporting his maxims and
exhortations throughout with quotations from the Fathers: with whom he
appeared to be far better acquainted than with the Apostles and
Evangelists, and whose importance he seemed to consider at least equal to
theirs. But now and then he gave us a sermon of a different order—what
some would call a very good one; but sunless and severe: representing the
Deity as a terrible taskmaster rather than a benevolent father. Yet, as
I listened, I felt inclined to think the man was sincere in all he said:
he must have changed his views, and become decidedly religious, gloomy
and austere, yet still devout. But such illusions were usually
dissipated, on coming out of church, by hearing his voice in jocund
colloquy with some of the Melthams or Greens, or, perhaps, the Murrays
themselves; probably laughing at his own sermon, and hoping that he had
given the rascally people something to think about; perchance, exulting
in the thought that old Betty Holmes would now lay aside the sinful
indulgence of her pipe, which had been her daily solace for upwards of
thirty years: that George Higgins would be frightened out of his Sabbath
evening walks, and Thomas Jackson would be sorely troubled in his
conscience, and shaken in his sure and certain hope of a joyful
resurrection at the last day.
Thus, I could not but conclude that Mr. Hatfield was one of those who
‘bind heavy burdens, and grievous to be borne, and lay them upon men’s
shoulders, while they themselves will not move them with one of their
fingers’; and who ‘make the word of God of none effect by their
traditions, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.’ I was well
pleased to observe that the new curate resembled him, as far as I could
see, in none of these particulars.
‘Well, Miss Grey, what do you think of him now?’ said Miss Murray, as we
took our places in the carriage after service.
‘No harm still,’ replied I.
‘No harm!’ repeated she in amazement. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, I think no worse of him than I did before.’
‘No worse! I should think not indeed—quite the contrary! Is he not
greatly improved?’
‘Oh, yes; very much indeed,’ replied I; for I had now discovered that it
was Harry Meltham she meant, not Mr. Weston. That gentleman had eagerly
come forward to speak to the young ladies: a thing he would hardly have
ventured to do had their mother been present; he had likewise politely
handed them into the carriage. He had not attempted to shut me out, like
Mr. Hatfield; neither, of course, had he offered me his assistance (I
should not have accepted it, if he had), but as long as the door remained
open he had stood smirking and chatting with them, and then lifted his
hat and departed to his own abode: but I had scarcely noticed him all the
time. My companions, however, had been more observant; and, as we rolled
along, they discussed between them not only his looks, words, and
actions, but every feature of his face, and every article of his apparel.
‘You shan’t have him all to yourself, Rosalie,’ said Miss Matilda at the
close of this discussion; ‘I like him: I know he’d make a nice, jolly
companion for me.’
‘Well, you’re quite welcome to him, Matilda,’ replied her sister, in a
tone of affected indifference.
‘And I’m sure,’ continued the other, ‘he admires me quite as much as he
does you; doesn’t he, Miss Grey?’
‘I don’t know; I’m not acquainted with his sentiments.’
‘Well, but he _does_ though.’
‘My _dear_ Matilda! nobody will ever admire you till you get rid of your
rough, awkward manners.’
‘Oh, stuff! Harry Meltham likes such manners; and so do papa’s friends.’
‘Well, you _may_ captivate old men, and younger sons; but nobody else, I
am sure, will ever take a fancy to you.’
‘I don’t care: I’m not always grabbing after money, like you and mamma.
If my husband is able to keep a few good horses and dogs, I shall be
quite satisfied; and all the rest may go to the devil!’
‘Well, if you use such shocking expressions, I’m sure no real gentleman
will ever venture to come near you. Really, Miss Grey, you should not
let her do so.’
‘I can’t possibly prevent it, Miss Murray.’
‘And you’re quite mistaken, Matilda, in supposing that Harry Meltham
admires you: I assure you he does nothing of the kind.’
Matilda was beginning an angry reply; but, happily, our journey was now
at an end; and the contention was cut short by the footman opening the
carriage-door, and letting down the steps for our descent.
CHAPTER XI—THE COTTAGERS
As I had now only one regular pupil—though she contrived to give me as
much trouble as three or four ordinary ones, and though her sister still
took lessons in German and drawing—I had considerably more time at my own
disposal than I had ever been blessed with before, since I had taken upon
me the governess’s yoke; which time I devoted partly to correspondence
with my friends, partly to reading, study, and the practice of music,
singing, &c., partly to wandering in the grounds or adjacent fields, with
my pupils if they wanted me, alone if they did not.
Often, when they had no more agreeable occupation at hand, the Misses
Murray would amuse themselves with visiting the poor cottagers on their
father’s estate, to receive their flattering homage, or to hear the old
stories or gossiping news of the garrulous old women; or, perhaps, to
enjoy the purer pleasure of making the poor people happy with their
cheering presence and their occasional gifts, so easily bestowed, so
thankfully received. Sometimes, I was called upon to accompany one or
both of the sisters in these visits; and sometimes I was desired to go
alone, to fulfil some promise which they had been more ready to make than
to perform; to carry some small donation, or read to one who was sick or
seriously disposed: and thus I made a few acquaintances among the
cottagers; and, occasionally, I went to see them on my own account.
I generally had more satisfaction in going alone than with either of the
young ladies; for they, chiefly owing to their defective education,
comported themselves towards their inferiors in a manner that was highly
disagreeable for me to witness. They never, in thought, exchanged places
with them; and, consequently, had no consideration for their feelings,
regarding them as an order of beings entirely different from themselves.
They would watch the poor creatures at their meals, making uncivil
remarks about their food, and their manner of eating; they would laugh at
their simple notions and provincial expressions, till some of them
scarcely durst venture to speak; they would call the grave elderly men
and women old fools and silly old blockheads to their faces: and all this
without meaning to offend. I could see that the people were often hurt
and annoyed by such conduct, though their fear of the ‘grand ladies’
prevented them from testifying any resentment; but _they_ never perceived
it. They thought that, as these cottagers were poor and untaught, they
must be stupid and brutish; and as long as they, their superiors,
condescended to talk to them, and to give them shillings and half-crowns,
or articles of clothing, they had a right to amuse themselves, even at
their expense; and the people must adore them as angels of light,
condescending to minister to their necessities, and enlighten their
humble dwellings.
I made many and various attempts to deliver my pupils from these delusive
notions without alarming their pride—which was easily offended, and not
soon appeased—but with little apparent result; and I know not which was
the more reprehensible of the two: Matilda was more rude and boisterous;
but from Rosalie’s womanly age and lady-like exterior better things were
expected: yet she was as provokingly careless and inconsiderate as a
giddy child of twelve.
One bright day in the last week of February, I was walking in the park,
enjoying the threefold luxury of solitude, a book, and pleasant weather;
for Miss Matilda had set out on her daily ride, and Miss Murray was gone
in the carriage with her mamma to pay some morning calls. But it struck
me that I ought to leave these selfish pleasures, and the park with its
glorious canopy of bright blue sky, the west wind sounding through its
yet leafless branches, the snow-wreaths still lingering in its hollows,
but melting fast beneath the sun, and the graceful deer browsing on its
moist herbage already assuming the freshness and verdure of spring—and go
to the cottage of one Nancy Brown, a widow, whose son was at work all day
in the fields, and who was afflicted with an inflammation in the eyes;
which had for some time incapacitated her from reading: to her own great
grief, for she was a woman of a serious, thoughtful turn of mind. I
accordingly went, and found her alone, as usual, in her little, close,
dark cottage, redolent of smoke and confined air, but as tidy and clean
as she could make it. She was seated beside her little fire (consisting
of a few red cinders and a bit of stick), busily knitting, with a small
sackcloth cushion at her feet, placed for the accommodation of her gentle
friend the cat, who was seated thereon, with her long tail half
encircling her velvet paws, and her half-closed eyes dreamily gazing on
the low, crooked fender.
‘Well, Nancy, how are you to-day?’
‘Why, middling, Miss, i’ myseln—my eyes is no better, but I’m a deal
easier i’ my mind nor I have been,’ replied she, rising to welcome me
with a contented smile; which I was glad to see, for Nancy had been
somewhat afflicted with religious melancholy. I congratulated her upon
the change. She agreed that it was a great blessing, and expressed
herself ‘right down thankful for it’; adding, ‘If it please God to spare
my sight, and make me so as I can read my Bible again, I think I shall be
as happy as a queen.’
‘I hope He will, Nancy,’ replied I; ‘and, meantime, I’ll come and read to
you now and then, when I have a little time to spare.’
With expressions of grateful pleasure, the poor woman moved to get me a
chair; but, as I saved her the trouble, she busied herself with stirring
the fire, and adding a few more sticks to the decaying embers; and then,
taking her well-used Bible from the shelf, dusted it carefully, and gave
it me. On my asking if there was any particular part she should like me
to read, she answered—
‘Well, Miss Grey, if it’s all the same to you, I should like to hear that
chapter in the First Epistle of St. John, that says, “God is love, and he
that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.”’
With a little searching, I found these words in the fourth chapter. When
I came to the seventh verse she interrupted me, and, with needless
apologies for such a liberty, desired me to read it very slowly, that she
might take it all in, and dwell on every word; hoping I would excuse her,
as she was but a ‘simple body.’
‘The wisest person,’ I replied, ‘might think over each of these verses
for an hour, and be all the better for it; and I would rather read them
slowly than not.’
Accordingly, I finished the chapter as slowly as need be, and at the same
time as impressively as I could; my auditor listened most attentively all
the while, and sincerely thanked me when I had done. I sat still about
half a minute to give her time to reflect upon it; when, somewhat to my
surprise, she broke the pause by asking me how I liked Mr. Weston?
‘I don’t know,’ I replied, a little startled by the suddenness of the
question; ‘I think he preaches very well.’
‘Ay, he does so; and talks well too.’
‘Does he?’
‘He does. Maybe, you haven’t seen him—not to talk to him much, yet?’
‘No, I never see any one to talk to—except the young ladies of the Hall.’
‘Ah; they’re nice, kind young ladies; but they can’t talk as he does.’
‘Then he comes to see you, Nancy?’
‘He does, Miss; and I’se thankful for it. He comes to see all us poor
bodies a deal ofter nor Maister Bligh, or th’ Rector ever did; an’ it’s
well he does, for he’s always welcome: we can’t say as much for th’
Rector—there is ‘at says they’re fair feared on him. When he comes into
a house, they say he’s sure to find summut wrong, and begin a-calling ’em
as soon as he crosses th’ doorstuns: but maybe he thinks it his duty like
to tell ’em what’s wrong. And very oft he comes o’ purpose to reprove
folk for not coming to church, or not kneeling an’ standing when other
folk does, or going to the Methody chapel, or summut o’ that sort: but I
can’t say ’at he ever fund much fault wi’ me. He came to see me once or
twice, afore Maister Weston come, when I was so ill troubled in my mind;
and as I had only very poor health besides, I made bold to send for
him—and he came right enough. I was sore distressed, Miss Grey—thank
God, it’s owered now—but when I took my Bible, I could get no comfort of
it at all. That very chapter ‘at you’ve just been reading troubled me as
much as aught—“He that loveth not, knoweth not God.” It seemed fearsome
to me; for I felt that I loved neither God nor man as I should do, and
could not, if I tried ever so. And th’ chapter afore, where it says,—“He
that is born of God cannot commit sin.” And another place where it
says,—“Love is the fulfilling of the Law.” And many, many others, Miss:
I should fair weary you out, if I was to tell them all. But all seemed
to condemn me, and to show me ‘at I was not in the right way; and as I
knew not how to get into it, I sent our Bill to beg Maister Hatfield to
be as kind as look in on me some day and when he came, I telled him all
my troubles.’
‘And what did he say, Nancy?’
‘Why, Miss, he seemed to scorn me. I might be mista’en—but he like gave
a sort of a whistle, and I saw a bit of a smile on his face; and he said,
“Oh, it’s all stuff! You’ve been among the Methodists, my good woman.”
But I telled him I’d never been near the Methodies. And then he
said,—“Well,” says he, “you must come to church, where you’ll hear the
Scriptures properly explained, instead of sitting poring over your Bible
at home.”
‘But I telled him I always used coming to church when I had my health;
but this very cold winter weather I hardly durst venture so far—and me so
bad wi’ th’ rheumatic and all.
‘But he says, “It’ll do your rheumatiz good to hobble to church: there’s
nothing like exercise for the rheumatiz. You can walk about the house
well enough; why can’t you walk to church? The fact is,” says he,
“you’re getting too fond of your ease. It’s always easy to find excuses
for shirking one’s duty.”
‘But then, you know, Miss Grey, it wasn’t so. However, I telled him I’d
try. “But please, sir,” says I, “if I do go to church, what the better
shall I be? I want to have my sins blotted out, and to feel that they
are remembered no more against me, and that the love of God is shed
abroad in my heart; and if I can get no good by reading my Bible an’
saying my prayers at home, what good shall I get by going to church?”’
‘“The church,” says he, “is the place appointed by God for His worship.
It’s your duty to go there as often as you can. If you want comfort, you
must seek it in the path of duty,”—an’ a deal more he said, but I cannot
remember all his fine words. However, it all came to this, that I was to
come to church as oft as ever I could, and bring my prayer-book with me,
an’ read up all the sponsers after the clerk, an’ stand, an’ kneel, an’
sit, an’ do all as I should, and take the Lord’s Supper at every
opportunity, an’ hearken his sermons, and Maister Bligh’s, an’ it ’ud be
all right: if I went on doing my duty, I should get a blessing at last.
‘“But if you get no comfort that way,” says he, “it’s all up.”
‘“Then, sir,” says I, “should you think I’m a reprobate?”
‘“Why,” says he—he says, “if you do your best to get to heaven and can’t
manage it, you must be one of those that seek to enter in at the strait
gate and shall not be able.”
‘An’ then he asked me if I’d seen any of the ladies o’ th’ Hall about
that mornin’; so I telled him where I had seen the young misses go on th’
Moss Lane;—an’ he kicked my poor cat right across th’ floor, an’ went
after ’em as gay as a lark: but I was very sad. That last word o’ his
fair sunk into my heart, an’ lay there like a lump o’ lead, till I was
weary to bear it.
‘Howsever, I follered his advice: I thought he meant it all for th’ best,
though he _had_ a queer way with him. But you know, Miss, he’s rich an’
young, and such like cannot right understand the thoughts of a poor old
woman such as me. But, howsever, I did my best to do all as he bade
me—but maybe I’m plaguing you, Miss, wi’ my chatter.’
‘Oh, no, Nancy! Go on, and tell me all.’
‘Well, my rheumatiz got better—I know not whether wi’ going to church or
not, but one frosty Sunday I got this cold i’ my eyes. Th’ inflammation
didn’t come on all at once like, but bit by bit—but I wasn’t going to
tell you about my eyes, I was talking about my trouble o’ mind;—and to
tell the truth, Miss Grey, I don’t think it was anyways eased by coming
to church—nought to speak on, at least: I like got my health better; but
that didn’t mend my soul. I hearkened and hearkened the ministers, and
read an’ read at my prayer-book; but it was all like sounding brass and a
tinkling cymbal: the sermons I couldn’t understand, an’ th’ prayer-book
only served to show me how wicked I was, that I could read such good
words an’ never be no better for it, and oftens feel it a sore labour an’
a heavy task beside, instead of a blessing and a privilege as all good
Christians does. It seemed like as all were barren an’ dark to me. And
then, them dreadful words, “Many shall seek to enter in, and shall not be
able.” They like as they fair dried up my sperrit.
‘But one Sunday, when Maister Hatfield gave out about the sacrament, I
noticed where he said, “If there be any of you that cannot quiet his own
conscience, but requireth further comfort or counsel, let him come to me,
or some other discreet and learned minister of God’s word, and open his
grief!” So next Sunday morning, afore service, I just looked into the
vestry, an’ began a-talking to th’ Rector again. I hardly could fashion
to take such a liberty, but I thought when my soul was at stake I
shouldn’t stick at a trifle. But he said he hadn’t time to attend to me
then.
‘“And, indeed,” says he, “I’ve nothing to say to you but what I’ve said
before. Take the sacrament, of course, and go on doing your duty; and if
that won’t serve you, nothing will. So don’t bother me any more.”
‘So then, I went away. But I heard Maister Weston—Maister Weston was
there, Miss—this was his first Sunday at Horton, you know, an’ he was i’
th’ vestry in his surplice, helping th’ Rector on with his gown—’
‘Yes, Nancy.’
‘And I heard him ask Maister Hatfield who I was, an’ he says, “Oh, she’s
a canting old fool.”
‘And I was very ill grieved, Miss Grey; but I went to my seat, and I
tried to do my duty as aforetime: but I like got no peace. An’ I even
took the sacrament; but I felt as though I were eating and drinking to my
own damnation all th’ time. So I went home, sorely troubled.
‘But next day, afore I’d gotten fettled up—for indeed, Miss, I’d no heart
to sweeping an’ fettling, an’ washing pots; so I sat me down i’ th’
muck—who should come in but Maister Weston! I started siding stuff then,
an’ sweeping an’ doing; and I expected he’d begin a-calling me for my
idle ways, as Maister Hatfield would a’ done; but I was mista’en: he only
bid me good-mornin’ like, in a quiet dacent way. So I dusted him a
chair, an’ fettled up th’ fireplace a bit; but I hadn’t forgotten th’
Rector’s words, so says I, “I wonder, sir, you should give yourself that
trouble, to come so far to see a ‘canting old fool,’ such as me.”
‘He seemed taken aback at that; but he would fain persuade me ‘at the
Rector was only in jest; and when that wouldn’t do, he says, “Well,
Nancy, you shouldn’t think so much about it: Mr. Hatfield was a little
out of humour just then: you know we’re none of us perfect—even Moses
spoke unadvisedly with his lips. But now sit down a minute, if you can
spare the time, and tell me all your doubts and fears; and I’ll try to
remove them.”
‘So I sat me down anent him. He was quite a stranger, you know, Miss
Grey, and even _younger_ nor Maister Hatfield, I believe; and I had
thought him not so pleasant-looking as him, and rather a bit crossish, at
first, to look at; but he spake so civil like—and when th’ cat, poor
thing, jumped on to his knee, he only stroked her, and gave a bit of a
smile: so I thought that was a good sign; for once, when she did so to
th’ Rector, he knocked her off, like as it might be in scorn and anger,
poor thing. But you can’t expect a cat to know manners like a Christian,
you know, Miss Grey.’
‘No; of course not, Nancy. But what did Mr. Weston say then?’
‘He said nought; but he listened to me as steady an’ patient as could be,
an’ never a bit o’ scorn about him; so I went on, an’ telled him all,
just as I’ve telled you—an’ more too.
‘“Well,” says he, “Mr. Hatfield was quite right in telling you to
persevere in doing your duty; but in advising you to go to church and
attend to the service, and so on, he didn’t mean that was the whole of a
Christian’s duty: he only thought you might there learn what more was to
be done, and be led to take delight in those exercises, instead of
finding them a task and a burden. And if you had asked him to explain
those words that trouble you so much, I think he would have told you,
that if many shall seek to enter in at the strait gate and shall not be
able, it is their own sins that hinder them; just as a man with a large
sack on his back might wish to pass through a narrow doorway, and find it
impossible to do so unless he would leave his sack behind him. But you,
Nancy, I dare say, have no sins that you would not gladly throw aside, if
you knew how?”
‘“Indeed, sir, you speak truth,” said I.
‘“Well,” says he, “you know the first and great commandment—and the
second, which is like unto it—on which two commandments hang all the law
and the prophets? You say you cannot love God; but it strikes me that if
you rightly consider who and what He is, you cannot help it. He is your
father, your best friend: every blessing, everything good, pleasant, or
useful, comes from Him; and everything evil, everything you have reason
to hate, to shun, or to fear, comes from Satan—_His_ enemy as well as
ours. And for _this_ cause was God manifest in the flesh, that He might
destroy the works of the Devil: in one word, God is LOVE; and the more of
love we have within us, the nearer we are to Him and the more of His
spirit we possess.”
‘“Well, sir,” I said, “if I can always think on these things, I think I
might well love God: but how can I love my neighbours, when they vex me,
and be so contrary and sinful as some on ’em is?”
‘“It may seem a hard matter,” says he, “to love our neighbours, who have
so much of what is evil about them, and whose faults so often awaken the
evil that lingers within ourselves; but remember that _He_ made them, and
_He_ loves them; and whosoever loveth him that begat, loveth him that is
begotten also. And if God so loveth us, that He gave His only begotten
Son to die for us, we ought also to love one another. But if you cannot
feel positive affection for those who do not care for you, you can at
least try to do to them as you would they should do unto you: you can
endeavour to pity their failings and excuse their offences, and to do all
the good you can to those about you. And if you accustom yourself to
this, Nancy, the very effort itself will make you love them in some
degree—to say nothing of the goodwill your kindness would beget in them,
though they might have little else that is good about them. If we love
God and wish to serve Him, let us try to be like Him, to do His work, to
labour for His glory—which is the good of man—to hasten the coming of His
kingdom, which is the peace and happiness of all the world: however
powerless we may seem to be, in doing all the good we can through life,
the humblest of us may do much towards it: and let us dwell in love, that
He may dwell in us and we in Him. The more happiness we bestow, the more
we shall receive, even here; and the greater will be our reward in heaven
when we rest from our labours.” I believe, Miss, them is his very words,
for I’ve thought ’em ower many a time. An’ then he took that Bible, an’
read bits here and there, an’ explained ’em as clear as the day: and it
seemed like as a new light broke in on my soul; an’ I felt fair aglow
about my heart, an’ only wished poor Bill an’ all the world could ha’
been there, an’ heard it all, and rejoiced wi’ me.
‘After he was gone, Hannah Rogers, one o’ th’ neighbours, came in and
wanted me to help her to wash. I telled her I couldn’t just then, for I
hadn’t set on th’ potaties for th’ dinner, nor washed up th’ breakfast
stuff yet. So then she began a-calling me for my nasty idle ways. I was
a little bit vexed at first, but I never said nothing wrong to her: I
only telled her like all in a quiet way, ’at I’d had th’ new parson to
see me; but I’d get done as quick as ever I could, an’ then come an’ help
her. So then she softened down; and my heart like as it warmed towards
her, an’ in a bit we was very good friends. An’ so it is, Miss Grey, “a
soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.” It
isn’t only in them you speak to, but in yourself.’
‘Very true, Nancy, if we could always remember it.’
‘Ay, if we could!’
‘And did Mr. Weston ever come to see you again?’
‘Yes, many a time; and since my eyes has been so bad, he’s sat an’ read
to me by the half-hour together: but you know, Miss, he has other folks
to see, and other things to do—God bless him! An’ that next Sunday he
preached _such_ a sermon! His text was, “Come unto me all ye that labour
and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” and them two blessed
verses that follows. You wasn’t there, Miss, you was with your friends
then—but it made me _so_ happy! And I _am_ happy now, thank God! an’ I
take a pleasure, now, in doing little bits o’ jobs for my neighbours—such
as a poor old body ’at’s half blind can do; and they take it kindly of
me, just as he said. You see, Miss, I’m knitting a pair o’ stockings
now;—they’re for Thomas Jackson: he’s a queerish old body, an’ we’ve had
many a bout at threaping, one anent t’other; an’ at times we’ve differed
sorely. So I thought I couldn’t do better nor knit him a pair o’ warm
stockings; an’ I’ve felt to like him a deal better, poor old man, sin’ I
began. It’s turned out just as Maister Weston said.’
‘Well, I’m very glad to see you so happy, Nancy, and so wise: but I must
go now; I shall be wanted at the Hall,’ said I; and bidding her good-bye,
I departed, promising to come again when I had time, and feeling nearly
as happy as herself.
At another time I went to read to a poor labourer who was in the last
stage of consumption. The young ladies had been to see him, and somehow
a promise of reading had been extracted from them; but it was too much
trouble, so they begged me to do it instead. I went, willingly enough;
and there too I was gratified with the praises of Mr. Weston, both from
the sick man and his wife. The former told me that he derived great
comfort and benefit from the visits of the new parson, who frequently
came to see him, and was ‘another guess sort of man’ to Mr. Hatfield;
who, before the other’s arrival at Horton, had now and then paid him a
visit; on which occasions he would always insist upon having the
cottage-door kept open, to admit the fresh air for his own convenience,
without considering how it might injure the sufferer; and having opened
his prayer-book and hastily read over a part of the Service for the Sick,
would hurry away again: if he did not stay to administer some harsh
rebuke to the afflicted wife, or to make some thoughtless, not to say
heartless, observation, rather calculated to increase than diminish the
troubles of the suffering pair.
‘Whereas,’ said the man, ‘Maister Weston ’ull pray with me quite in a
different fashion, an’ talk to me as kind as owt; an’ oft read to me too,
an’ sit beside me just like a brother.’
‘Just for all the world!’ exclaimed his wife; ‘an’ about a three wik
sin’, when he seed how poor Jem shivered wi’ cold, an’ what pitiful fires
we kept, he axed if wer stock of coals was nearly done. I telled him it
was, an’ we was ill set to get more: but you know, mum, I didn’t think o’
him helping us; but, howsever, he sent us a sack o’ coals next day; an’
we’ve had good fires ever sin’: and a great blessing it is, this winter
time. But that’s his way, Miss Grey: when he comes into a poor body’s
house a-seein’ sick folk, he like notices what they most stand i’ need
on; an’ if he thinks they can’t readily get it therseln, he never says
nowt about it, but just gets it for ’em. An’ it isn’t everybody ’at ’ud
do that, ’at has as little as he has: for you know, mum, he’s nowt at all
to live on but what he gets fra’ th’ Rector, an’ that’s little enough
they say.’
I remembered then, with a species of exultation, that he had frequently
been styled a vulgar brute by the amiable Miss Murray, because he wore a
silver watch, and clothes not quite so bright and fresh as Mr.
Hatfield’s.
In returning to the Lodge I felt very happy, and thanked God that I had
now something to think about; something to dwell on as a relief from the
weary monotony, the lonely drudgery, of my present life: for I _was_
lonely. Never, from month to month, from year to year, except during my
brief intervals of rest at home, did I see one creature to whom I could
open my heart, or freely speak my thoughts with any hope of sympathy, or
even comprehension: never one, unless it were poor Nancy Brown, with whom
I could enjoy a single moment of real social intercourse, or whose
conversation was calculated to render me better, wiser, or happier than
before; or who, as far as I could see, could be greatly benefited by
mine. My only companions had been unamiable children, and ignorant,
wrong-headed girls; from whose fatiguing folly, unbroken solitude was
often a relief most earnestly desired and dearly prized. But to be
restricted to such associates was a serious evil, both in its immediate
effects and the consequences that were likely to ensue. Never a new idea
or stirring thought came to me from without; and such as rose within me
were, for the most part, miserably crushed at once, or doomed to sicken
or fade away, because they could not see the light.
Habitual associates are known to exercise a great influence over each
other’s minds and manners. Those whose actions are for ever before our
eyes, whose words are ever in our ears, will naturally lead us, albeit
against our will, slowly, gradually, imperceptibly, perhaps, to act and
speak as they do. I will not presume to say how far this irresistible
power of assimilation extends; but if one civilised man were doomed to
pass a dozen years amid a race of intractable savages, unless he had
power to improve them, I greatly question whether, at the close of that
period, he would not have become, at least, a barbarian himself. And I,
as I could not make my young companions better, feared exceedingly that
they would make me worse—would gradually bring my feelings, habits,
capacities, to the level of their own; without, however, imparting to me
their lightheartedness and cheerful vivacity.
Already, I seemed to feel my intellect deteriorating, my heart
petrifying, my soul contracting; and I trembled lest my very moral
perceptions should become deadened, my distinctions of right and wrong
confounded, and all my better faculties be sunk, at last, beneath the
baneful influence of such a mode of life. The gross vapours of earth
were gathering around me, and closing in upon my inward heaven; and thus
it was that Mr. Weston rose at length upon me, appearing like the morning
star in my horizon, to save me from the fear of utter darkness; and I
rejoiced that I had now a subject for contemplation that was above me,
not beneath. I was glad to see that all the world was not made up of
Bloomfields, Murrays, Hatfields, Ashbys, &c.; and that human excellence
was not a mere dream of the imagination. When we hear a little good and
no harm of a person, it is easy and pleasant to imagine more: in short,
it is needless to analyse all my thoughts; but Sunday was now become a
day of peculiar delight to me (I was now almost broken-in to the back
corner in the carriage), for I liked to hear him—and I liked to see him,
too; though I knew he was not handsome, or even what is called agreeable,
in outward aspect; but, certainly, he was not ugly.
In stature he was a little, a very little, above the middle size; the
outline of his face would be pronounced too square for beauty, but to me
it announced decision of character; his dark brown hair was not carefully
curled, like Mr. Hatfield’s, but simply brushed aside over a broad white
forehead; the eyebrows, I suppose, were too projecting, but from under
those dark brows there gleamed an eye of singular power, brown in colour,
not large, and somewhat deep-set, but strikingly brilliant, and full of
expression; there was character, too, in the mouth, something that
bespoke a man of firm purpose and an habitual thinker; and when he
smiled—but I will not speak of that yet, for, at the time I mention, I
had never seen him smile: and, indeed, his general appearance did not
impress me with the idea of a man given to such a relaxation, nor of such
an individual as the cottagers described him. I had early formed my
opinion of him; and, in spite of Miss Murray’s objurgations: was fully
convinced that he was a man of strong sense, firm faith, and ardent
piety, but thoughtful and stern: and when I found that, to his other good
qualities, was added that of true benevolence and gentle, considerate
kindness, the discovery, perhaps, delighted me the more, as I had not
been prepared to expect it.
CHAPTER XII—THE SHOWER
The next visit I paid to Nancy Brown was in the second week in March:
for, though I had many spare minutes during the day, I seldom could look
upon an hour as entirely my own; since, where everything was left to the
caprices of Miss Matilda and her sister, there could be no order or
regularity. Whatever occupation I chose, when not actually busied about
them or their concerns, I had, as it were, to keep my loins girded, my
shoes on my feet, and my staff in my hand; for not to be immediately
forthcoming when called for, was regarded as a grave and inexcusable
offence: not only by my pupils and their mother, but by the very servant,
who came in breathless haste to call me, exclaiming, ‘You’re to go to the
schoolroom _directly_, mum, the young ladies is WAITING!!’ Climax of
horror! actually waiting for their governess!!!
But this time I was pretty sure of an hour or two to myself; for Matilda
was preparing for a long ride, and Rosalie was dressing for a
dinner-party at Lady Ashby’s: so I took the opportunity of repairing to
the widow’s cottage, where I found her in some anxiety about her cat,
which had been absent all day. I comforted her with as many anecdotes of
that animal’s roving propensities as I could recollect. ‘I’m feared o’
th’ gamekeepers,’ said she: ‘that’s all ’at I think on. If th’ young
gentlemen had been at home, I should a’ thought they’d been setting their
dogs at her, an’ worried her, poor thing, as they did _many_ a poor
thing’s cat; but I haven’t that to be feared on now.’ Nancy’s eyes were
better, but still far from well: she had been trying to make a Sunday
shirt for her son, but told me she could only bear to do a little bit at
it now and then, so that it progressed but slowly, though the poor lad
wanted it sadly. So I proposed to help her a little, after I had read to
her, for I had plenty of time that evening, and need not return till
dusk. She thankfully accepted the offer. ‘An’ you’ll be a bit o’
company for me too, Miss,’ said she; ‘I like as I feel lonesome without
my cat.’ But when I had finished reading, and done the half of a seam,
with Nancy’s capacious brass thimble fitted on to my finger by means of a
roll of paper, I was disturbed by the entrance of Mr. Weston, with the
identical cat in his arms. I now saw that he could smile, and very
pleasantly too.
‘I’ve done you a piece of good service, Nancy,’ he began: then seeing me,
he acknowledged my presence by a slight bow. I should have been
invisible to Hatfield, or any other gentleman of those parts. ‘I’ve
delivered your cat,’ he continued, ‘from the hands, or rather the gun, of
Mr. Murray’s gamekeeper.’
‘God bless you, sir!’ cried the grateful old woman, ready to weep for joy
as she received her favourite from his arms.
‘Take care of it,’ said he, ‘and don’t let it go near the rabbit-warren,
for the gamekeeper swears he’ll shoot it if he sees it there again: he
would have done so to-day, if I had not been in time to stop him. I
believe it is raining, Miss Grey,’ added he, more quietly, observing that
I had put aside my work, and was preparing to depart. ‘Don’t let me
disturb you—I shan’t stay two minutes.’
‘You’ll _both_ stay while this shower gets owered,’ said Nancy, as she
stirred the fire, and placed another chair beside it; ‘what! there’s room
for all.’
‘I can see better here, thank you, Nancy,’ replied I, taking my work to
the window, where she had the goodness to suffer me to remain unmolested,
while she got a brush to remove the cat’s hairs from Mr. Weston’s coat,
carefully wiped the rain from his hat, and gave the cat its supper,
busily talking all the time: now thanking her clerical friend for what he
had done; now wondering how the cat had found out the warren; and now
lamenting the probable consequences of such a discovery. He listened
with a quiet, good-natured smile, and at length took a seat in compliance
with her pressing invitations, but repeated that he did not mean to stay.
‘I have another place to go to,’ said he, ‘and I see’ (glancing at the
book on the table) ‘someone else has been reading to you.’
‘Yes, sir; Miss Grey has been as kind as read me a chapter; an’ now she’s
helping me with a shirt for our Bill—but I’m feared she’ll be cold there.
Won’t you come to th’ fire, Miss?’
‘No, thank you, Nancy, I’m quite warm. I must go as soon as this shower
is over.’
‘Oh, Miss! You said you could stop while dusk!’ cried the provoking old
woman, and Mr. Weston seized his hat.
‘Nay, sir,’ exclaimed she, ‘pray don’t go now, while it rains so fast.’
‘But it strikes me I’m keeping your visitor away from the fire.’
‘No, you’re not, Mr. Weston,’ replied I, hoping there was no harm in a
falsehood of that description.
‘No, sure!’ cried Nancy. ‘What, there’s lots o’ room!’
‘Miss Grey,’ said he, half-jestingly, as if he felt it necessary to
change the present subject, whether he had anything particular to say or
not, ‘I wish you would make my peace with the squire, when you see him.
He was by when I rescued Nancy’s cat, and did not quite approve of the
deed. I told him I thought he might better spare all his rabbits than
she her cat, for which audacious assertion he treated me to some rather
ungentlemanly language; and I fear I retorted a trifle too warmly.’
‘Oh, lawful sir! I hope you didn’t fall out wi’ th’ maister for sake o’
my cat! he cannot bide answering again—can th’ maister.’
‘Oh! it’s no matter, Nancy: I don’t care about it, really; I said nothing
_very_ uncivil; and I suppose Mr. Murray is accustomed to use rather
strong language when he’s heated.’
‘Ay, sir: it’s a pity.’
‘And now, I really must go. I have to visit a place a mile beyond this;
and you would not have me to return in the dark: besides, it has nearly
done raining now—so good-evening, Nancy. Good-evening, Miss Grey.’
‘Good-evening, Mr. Weston; but don’t depend upon me for making your peace
with Mr. Murray, for I never see him—to speak to.’
‘Don’t you; it can’t be helped then,’ replied he, in dolorous
resignation: then, with a peculiar half-smile, he added, ‘But never mind;
I imagine the squire has more to apologise for than I;’ and left the
cottage.
I went on with my sewing as long as I could see, and then bade Nancy
good-evening; checking her too lively gratitude by the undeniable
assurance that I had only done for her what she would have done for me,
if she had been in my place and I in hers. I hastened back to Horton
Lodge, where, having entered the schoolroom, I found the tea-table all in
confusion, the tray flooded with slops, and Miss Matilda in a most
ferocious humour.
‘Miss Grey, whatever have you been about? I’ve had tea half an hour ago,
and had to make it myself, and drink it all alone! I wish you would come
in sooner!’
‘I’ve been to see Nancy Brown. I thought you would not be back from your
ride.’
‘How could I ride in the rain, I should like to know. That damned
pelting shower was vexatious enough—coming on when I was just in full
swing: and then to come and find nobody in to tea! and you know I can’t
make the tea as I like it.’
‘I didn’t think of the shower,’ replied I (and, indeed, the thought of
its driving her home had never entered my head).
‘No, of course; you were under shelter yourself, and you never thought of
other people.’
I bore her coarse reproaches with astonishing equanimity, even with
cheerfulness; for I was sensible that I had done more good to Nancy Brown
than harm to her: and perhaps some other thoughts assisted to keep up my
spirits, and impart a relish to the cup of cold, overdrawn tea, and a
charm to the otherwise unsightly table; and—I had almost said—to Miss
Matilda’s unamiable face. But she soon betook herself to the stables,
and left me to the quiet enjoyment of my solitary meal.
CHAPTER XIII—THE PRIMROSES
Miss Murray now always went twice to church, for she so loved admiration
that she could not bear to lose a single opportunity of obtaining it; and
she was so sure of it wherever she showed herself, that, whether Harry
Meltham and Mr. Green were there or not, there was certain to be somebody
present who would not be insensible to her charms, besides the Rector,
whose official capacity generally obliged him to attend. Usually, also,
if the weather permitted, both she and her sister would walk home;
Matilda, because she hated the confinement of the carriage; she, because
she disliked the privacy of it, and enjoyed the company that generally
enlivened the first mile of the journey in walking from the church to Mr.
Green’s park-gates: near which commenced the private road to Horton
Lodge, which lay in the opposite direction, while the highway conducted
in a straightforward course to the still more distant mansion of Sir Hugh
Meltham. Thus there was always a chance of being accompanied, so far,
either by Harry Meltham, with or without Miss Meltham, or Mr. Green, with
perhaps one or both of his sisters, and any gentlemen visitors they might
have.
Whether I walked with the young ladies or rode with their parents,
depended upon their own capricious will: if they chose to ‘take’ me, I
went; if, for reasons best known to themselves, they chose to go alone, I
took my seat in the carriage. I liked walking better, but a sense of
reluctance to obtrude my presence on anyone who did not desire it, always
kept me passive on these and similar occasions; and I never inquired into
the causes of their varying whims. Indeed, this was the best policy—for
to submit and oblige was the governess’s part, to consult their own
pleasure was that of the pupils. But when I did walk, the first half of
journey was generally a great nuisance to me. As none of the
before-mentioned ladies and gentlemen ever noticed me, it was
disagreeable to walk beside them, as if listening to what they said, or
wishing to be thought one of them, while they talked over me, or across;
and if their eyes, in speaking, chanced to fall on me, it seemed as if
they looked on vacancy—as if they either did not see me, or were very
desirous to make it appear so. It was disagreeable, too, to walk behind,
and thus appear to acknowledge my own inferiority; for, in truth, I
considered myself pretty nearly as good as the best of them, and wished
them to know that I did so, and not to imagine that I looked upon myself
as a mere domestic, who knew her own place too well to walk beside such
fine ladies and gentlemen as they were—though her young ladies might
choose to have her with them, and even condescend to converse with her
when no better company were at hand. Thus—I am almost ashamed to confess
it—but indeed I gave myself no little trouble in my endeavours (if I did
keep up with them) to appear perfectly unconscious or regardless of their
presence, as if I were wholly absorbed in my own reflections, or the
contemplation of surrounding objects; or, if I lingered behind, it was
some bird or insect, some tree or flower, that attracted my attention,
and having duly examined that, I would pursue my walk alone, at a
leisurely pace, until my pupils had bidden adieu to their companions and
turned off into the quiet private road.
One such occasion I particularly well remember; it was a lovely afternoon
about the close of March; Mr. Green and his sisters had sent their
carriage back empty, in order to enjoy the bright sunshine and balmy air
in a sociable walk home along with their visitors, Captain Somebody and
Lieutenant Somebody-else (a couple of military fops), and the Misses
Murray, who, of course, contrived to join them. Such a party was highly
agreeable to Rosalie; but not finding it equally suitable to my taste, I
presently fell back, and began to botanise and entomologise along the
green banks and budding hedges, till the company was considerably in
advance of me, and I could hear the sweet song of the happy lark; then my
spirit of misanthropy began to melt away beneath the soft, pure air and
genial sunshine; but sad thoughts of early childhood, and yearnings for
departed joys, or for a brighter future lot, arose instead. As my eyes
wandered over the steep banks covered with young grass and green-leaved
plants, and surmounted by budding hedges, I longed intensely for some
familiar flower that might recall the woody dales or green hill-sides of
home: the brown moorlands, of course, were out of the question. Such a
discovery would make my eyes gush out with water, no doubt; but that was
one of my greatest enjoyments now. At length I descried, high up between
the twisted roots of an oak, three lovely primroses, peeping so sweetly
from their hiding-place that the tears already started at the sight; but
they grew so high above me, that I tried in vain to gather one or two, to
dream over and to carry with me: I could not reach them unless I climbed
the bank, which I was deterred from doing by hearing a footstep at that
moment behind me, and was, therefore, about to turn away, when I was
startled by the words, ‘Allow me to gather them for you, Miss Grey,’
spoken in the grave, low tones of a well-known voice. Immediately the
flowers were gathered, and in my hand. It was Mr. Weston, of course—who
else would trouble himself to do so much for _me_?
‘I thanked him; whether warmly or coldly, I cannot tell: but certain I am
that I did not express half the gratitude I felt. It was foolish,
perhaps, to feel any gratitude at all; but it seemed to me, at that
moment, as if this were a remarkable instance of his good-nature: an act
of kindness, which I could not repay, but never should forget: so utterly
unaccustomed was I to receive such civilities, so little prepared to
expect them from anyone within fifty miles of Horton Lodge. Yet this did
not prevent me from feeling a little uncomfortable in his presence; and I
proceeded to follow my pupils at a much quicker pace than before; though,
perhaps, if Mr. Weston had taken the hint, and let me pass without
another word, I might have repeated it an hour after: but he did not. A
somewhat rapid walk for me was but an ordinary pace for him.
‘Your young ladies have left you alone,’ said he.
‘Yes, they are occupied with more agreeable company.’
‘Then don’t trouble yourself to overtake them.’ I slackened my pace; but
next moment regretted having done so: my companion did not speak; and I
had nothing in the world to say, and feared he might be in the same
predicament. At length, however, he broke the pause by asking, with a
certain quiet abruptness peculiar to himself, if I liked flowers.
‘Yes; very much,’ I answered, ‘wild-flowers especially.’
‘_I_ like wild-flowers,’ said he; ‘others I don’t care about, because I
have no particular associations connected with them—except one or two.
What are your favourite flowers?’
‘Primroses, bluebells, and heath-blossoms.’
‘Not violets?’
‘No; because, as you say, I have no particular associations connected
with them; for there are no sweet violets among the hills and valleys
round my home.’
‘It must be a great consolation to you to have a home, Miss Grey,’
observed my companion after a short pause: ‘however remote, or however
seldom visited, still it is something to look to.’
‘It is so much that I think I could not live without it,’ replied I, with
an enthusiasm of which I immediately repented; for I thought it must have
sounded essentially silly.
‘Oh, yes, you could,’ said he, with a thoughtful smile. ‘The ties that
bind us to life are tougher than you imagine, or than anyone can who has
not felt how roughly they may be pulled without breaking. You might be
miserable without a home, but even _you_ could live; and not so miserably
as you suppose. The human heart is like india-rubber; a little swells
it, but a great deal will not burst it. If “little more than nothing
will disturb it, little less than all things will suffice” to break it.
As in the outer members of our frame, there is a vital power inherent in
itself that strengthens it against external violence. Every blow that
shakes it will serve to harden it against a future stroke; as constant
labour thickens the skin of the hand, and strengthens its muscles instead
of wasting them away: so that a day of arduous toil, that might excoriate
a lady’s palm, would make no sensible impression on that of a hardy
ploughman.
‘I speak from experience—partly my own. There was a time when I thought
as you do—at least, I was fully persuaded that home and its affections
were the only things that made life tolerable: that, if deprived of
these, existence would become a burden hard to be endured; but now I have
no home—unless you would dignify my two hired rooms at Horton by such a
name;—and not twelve months ago I lost the last and dearest of my early
friends; and yet, not only I live, but I am not wholly destitute of hope
and comfort, even for this life: though I must acknowledge that I can
seldom enter even an humble cottage at the close of day, and see its
inhabitants peaceably gathered around their cheerful hearth, without a
feeling _almost_ of envy at their domestic enjoyment.’
‘You don’t know what happiness lies before you yet,’ said I: ‘you are now
only in the commencement of your journey.’
‘The best of happiness,’ replied he, ‘is mine already—the power and the
will to be useful.’
We now approached a stile communicating with a footpath that conducted to
a farm-house, where, I suppose, Mr. Weston purposed to make himself
‘useful;’ for he presently took leave of me, crossed the stile, and
traversed the path with his usual firm, elastic tread, leaving me to
ponder his words as I continued my course alone. I had heard before that
he had lost his mother not many months before he came. She then was the
last and dearest of his early friends; and he had _no home_. I pitied
him from my heart: I almost wept for sympathy. And this, I thought,
accounted for the shade of premature thoughtfulness that so frequently
clouded his brow, and obtained for him the reputation of a morose and
sullen disposition with the charitable Miss Murray and all her kin.
‘But,’ thought I, ‘he is not so miserable as I should be under such a
deprivation: he leads an active life; and a wide field for useful
exertion lies before him. He can _make_ friends; and he can make a home
too, if he pleases; and, doubtless, he will please some time. God grant
the partner of that home may be worthy of his choice, and make it a happy
one—such a home as he deserves to have! And how delightful it would be
to—’ But no matter what I thought.
I began this book with the intention of concealing nothing; that those
who liked might have the benefit of perusing a fellow-creature’s heart:
but we have some thoughts that all the angels in heaven are welcome to
behold, but not our brother-men—not even the best and kindest amongst
them.
By this time the Greens had taken themselves to their own abode, and the
Murrays had turned down the private road, whither I hastened to follow
them. I found the two girls warm in an animated discussion on the
respective merits of the two young officers; but on seeing me Rosalie
broke off in the middle of a sentence to exclaim, with malicious glee—
‘Oh-ho, Miss Grey! you’re come at last, are you? No _wonder_ you
lingered so long behind; and no _wonder_ you always stand up so
vigorously for Mr. Weston when I abuse him. Ah-ha! I see it all now!’
‘Now, come, Miss Murray, don’t be foolish,’ said I, attempting a
good-natured laugh; ‘you know such nonsense can make no impression on
me.’
But she still went on talking such intolerable stuff—her sister helping
her with appropriate fiction coined for the occasion—that I thought it
necessary to say something in my own justification.
‘What folly all this is!’ I exclaimed. ‘If Mr. Weston’s road happened to
be the same as mine for a few yards, and if he chose to exchange a word
or two in passing, what is there so remarkable in that? I assure you, I
never spoke to him before: except once.’
‘Where? where? and when?’ cried they eagerly.
‘In Nancy’s cottage.’
‘Ah-ha! you’ve met him there, have you?’ exclaimed Rosalie, with exultant
laughter. ‘Ah! now, Matilda, I’ve found out why she’s so fond of going
to Nancy Brown’s! She goes there to flirt with Mr. Weston.’
‘Really, that is not worth contradicting—I only saw him there once, I
tell you—and how could I know he was coming?’
Irritated as I was at their foolish mirth and vexatious imputations, the
uneasiness did not continue long: when they had had their laugh out, they
returned again to the captain and lieutenant; and, while they disputed
and commented upon them, my indignation rapidly cooled; the cause of it
was quickly forgotten, and I turned my thoughts into a pleasanter
channel. Thus we proceeded up the park, and entered the hall; and as I
ascended the stairs to my own chamber, I had but one thought within me:
my heart was filled to overflowing with one single earnest wish. Having
entered the room, and shut the door, I fell upon my knees and offered up
a fervent but not impetuous prayer: ‘Thy will be done,’ I strove to say
throughout; but, ‘Father, all things are possible with Thee, and may it
be Thy will,’ was sure to follow. That wish—that prayer—both men and
women would have scorned me for—‘But, Father, _Thou_ wilt _not_ despise!’
I said, and felt that it was true. It seemed to me that another’s
welfare was at least as ardently implored for as my own; nay, even _that_
was the principal object of my heart’s desire. I might have been
deceiving myself; but that idea gave me confidence to ask, and power to
hope I did not ask in vain. As for the primroses, I kept two of them in
a glass in my room until they were completely withered, and the housemaid
threw them out; and the petals of the other I pressed between the leaves
of my Bible—I have them still, and mean to keep them always.
CHAPTER XIV—THE RECTOR
The following day was as fine as the preceding one. Soon after breakfast
Miss Matilda, having galloped and blundered through a few unprofitable
lessons, and vengeably thumped the piano for an hour, in a terrible
humour with both me and it, because her mamma would not give her a
holiday, had betaken herself to her favourite places of resort, the
yards, the stables, and the dog-kennels; and Miss Murray was gone forth
to enjoy a quiet ramble with a new fashionable novel for her companion,
leaving me in the schoolroom hard at work upon a water-colour drawing
which I had promised to do for her, and which she insisted upon my
finishing that day.
At my feet lay a little rough terrier. It was the property of Miss
Matilda; but she hated the animal, and intended to sell it, alleging that
it was quite spoiled. It was really an excellent dog of its kind; but
she affirmed it was fit for nothing, and had not even the sense to know
its own mistress.
The fact was she had purchased it when but a small puppy, insisting at
first that no one should touch it but herself; but soon becoming tired of
so helpless and troublesome a nursling, she had gladly yielded to my
entreaties to be allowed to take charge of it; and I, by carefully
nursing the little creature from infancy to adolescence, of course, had
obtained its affections: a reward I should have greatly valued, and
looked upon as far outweighing all the trouble I had had with it, had not
poor Snap’s grateful feelings exposed him to many a harsh word and many a
spiteful kick and pinch from his owner, and were he not now in danger of
being ‘put away’ in consequence, or transferred to some rough,
stony-hearted master. But how could I help it? I could not make the dog
hate me by cruel treatment, and she would not propitiate him by kindness.
However, while I thus sat, working away with my pencil, Mrs. Murray came,
half-sailing, half-bustling, into the room.
‘Miss Grey,’ she began,—‘dear! how can you sit at your drawing such a day
as this?’ (She thought I was doing it for my own pleasure.) ‘I _wonder_
you don’t put on your bonnet and go out with the young ladies.’
‘I think, ma’am, Miss Murray is reading; and Miss Matilda is amusing
herself with her dogs.’
‘If you would try to amuse Miss Matilda yourself a little more, I think
she would not be driven to seek amusement in the companionship of dogs
and horses and grooms, so much as she is; and if you would be a little
more cheerful and conversable with Miss Murray, she would not so often go
wandering in the fields with a book in her hand. However, I don’t want
to vex you,’ added she, seeing, I suppose, that my cheeks burned and my
hand trembled with some unamiable emotion. ‘Do, pray, try not to be so
touchy—there’s no speaking to you else. And tell me if you know where
Rosalie is gone: and why she likes to be so much alone?’
‘She says she likes to be alone when she has a new book to read.’
‘But why can’t she read it in the park or the garden?—why should she go
into the fields and lanes? And how is it that that Mr. Hatfield so often
finds her out? She told me last week he’d walked his horse by her side
all up Moss Lane; and now I’m sure it was he I saw, from my dressing-room
window, walking so briskly past the park-gates, and on towards the field
where she so frequently goes. I wish you would go and see if she is
there; and just gently remind her that it is not proper for a young lady
of her rank and prospects to be wandering about by herself in that
manner, exposed to the attentions of anyone that presumes to address her;
like some poor neglected girl that has no park to walk in, and no friends
to take care of her: and tell her that her papa would be extremely angry
if he knew of her treating Mr. Hatfield in the familiar manner that I
fear she does; and—oh! if you—if _any_ governess had but half a mother’s
watchfulness—half a mother’s anxious care, I should be saved this
trouble; and you would see at once the necessity of keeping your eye upon
her, and making your company agreeable to— Well, go—go; there’s no time
to be lost,’ cried she, seeing that I had put away my drawing materials,
and was waiting in the doorway for the conclusion of her address.
According to her prognostications, I found Miss Murray in her favourite
field just without the park; and, unfortunately, not alone; for the tall,
stately figure of Mr. Hatfield was slowly sauntering by her side.
Here was a poser for me. It was my duty to interrupt the _tête-à-tête_:
but how was it to be done? Mr. Hatfield could not to be driven away by
so insignificant person as I; and to go and place myself on the other
side of Miss Murray, and intrude my unwelcome presence upon her without
noticing her companion, was a piece of rudeness I could not be guilty of:
neither had I the courage to cry aloud from the top of the field that she
was wanted elsewhere. So I took the intermediate course of walking
slowly but steadily towards them; resolving, if my approach failed to
scare away the beau, to pass by and tell Miss Murray her mamma wanted
her.
She certainly looked very charming as she strolled, lingering along under
the budding horse-chestnut trees that stretched their long arms over the
park-palings; with her closed book in one hand, and in the other a
graceful sprig of myrtle, which served her as a very pretty plaything;
her bright ringlets escaping profusely from her little bonnet, and gently
stirred by the breeze, her fair cheek flushed with gratified vanity, her
smiling blue eyes, now slyly glancing towards her admirer, now gazing
downward at her myrtle sprig. But Snap, running before me, interrupted
her in the midst of some half-pert, half-playful repartee, by catching
hold of her dress and vehemently tugging thereat; till Mr. Hatfield, with
his cane, administered a resounding thwack upon the animal’s skull, and
sent it yelping back to me with a clamorous outcry that afforded the
reverend gentleman great amusement: but seeing me so near, he thought, I
suppose, he might as well be taking his departure; and, as I stooped to
caress the dog, with ostentatious pity to show my disapproval of his
severity, I heard him say: ‘When shall I see you again, Miss Murray?’
‘At church, I suppose,’ replied she, ‘unless your business chances to
bring you here again at the precise moment when I happen to be walking
by.’
‘I could always manage to have business here, if I knew precisely when
and where to find you.’
‘But if I would, I could not inform you, for I am so immethodical, I
never can tell to-day what I shall do to-morrow.’
‘Then give me that, meantime, to comfort me,’ said he, half jestingly and
half in earnest, extending his hand for the sprig of myrtle.
‘No, indeed, I shan’t.’
‘Do! _pray_ do! I shall be the most miserable of men if you don’t. You
cannot be so cruel as to deny me a favour so easily granted and yet so
highly prized!’ pleaded he as ardently as if his life depended on it.
By this time I stood within a very few yards of them, impatiently waiting
his departure.
‘There then! take it and go,’ said Rosalie.
He joyfully received the gift, murmured something that made her blush and
toss her head, but with a little laugh that showed her displeasure was
entirely affected; and then with a courteous salutation withdrew.
‘Did you ever see such a man, Miss Grey?’ said she, turning to me; ‘I’m
so _glad_ you came! I thought I never _should_, get rid of him; and I
was so terribly afraid of papa seeing him.’
‘Has he been with you long?’
‘No, not long, but he’s so extremely impertinent: and he’s always hanging
about, pretending his business or his clerical duties require his
attendance in these parts, and really watching for poor me, and pouncing
upon me wherever he sees me.’
‘Well, your mamma thinks you ought not to go beyond the park or garden
without some discreet, matronly person like me to accompany you, and keep
off all intruders. She descried Mr. Hatfield hurrying past the
park-gates, and forthwith despatched me with instructions to seek you up
and to take care of you, and likewise to warn—’
‘Oh, mamma’s so tiresome! As if I couldn’t take care of myself. She
bothered me before about Mr. Hatfield; and I told her she might trust me:
I never should forget my rank and station for the most delightful man
that ever breathed. I wish he would go down on his knees to-morrow, and
implore me to be his wife, that I might just show her how mistaken she is
in supposing that I could ever—Oh, it provokes me so! To think that I
could be such a fool as to fall in _love_! It is quite beneath the
dignity of a woman to do such a thing. Love! I detest the word! As
applied to one of our sex, I think it a perfect insult. A preference I
_might_ acknowledge; but never for one like poor Mr. Hatfield, who has
not seven hundred a year to bless himself with. I like to talk to him,
because he’s so clever and amusing—I wish Sir Thomas Ashby were half as
nice; besides, I must have _somebody_ to flirt with, and no one else has
the sense to come here; and when we go out, mamma won’t let me flirt with
anybody but Sir Thomas—if he’s there; and if he’s _not_ there, I’m bound
hand and foot, for fear somebody should go and make up some exaggerated
story, and put it into his head that I’m engaged, or likely to be
engaged, to somebody else; or, what is more probable, for fear his nasty
old mother should see or hear of my ongoings, and conclude that I’m not a
fit wife for her excellent son: as if the said son were not the greatest
scamp in Christendom; and as if any woman of common decency were not a
world too good for him.’
‘Is it really so, Miss Murray? and does your mamma know it, and yet wish
you to marry him?’
‘To be sure, she does! She knows more against him than I do, I believe:
she keeps it from me lest I should be discouraged; not knowing how little
I care about such things. For it’s no great matter, really: he’ll be all
right when he’s married, as mamma says; and reformed rakes make the best
husbands, _everybody_ knows. I only wish he were not so ugly—_that’s_
all _I_ think about: but then there’s no choice here in the country; and
papa _will not_ let us go to London—’
‘But I should think Mr. Hatfield would be far better.’
‘And so he would, if he were lord of Ashby Park—there’s not a doubt of
it: but the fact is, I _must_ have Ashby Park, whoever shares it with
me.’
‘But Mr. Hatfield thinks you like him all this time; you don’t consider
how bitterly he will be disappointed when he finds himself mistaken.’
‘_No_, indeed! It will be a proper punishment for his presumption—for
ever _daring_ to think I could like him. I should enjoy nothing so much
as lifting the veil from his eyes.’
‘The sooner you do it the better then.’
‘No; I tell you, I like to amuse myself with him. Besides, he doesn’t
really think I like him. I take good care of that: you don’t know how
cleverly I manage. He may presume to think he can induce me to like him;
for which I shall punish him as he deserves.’
‘Well, mind you don’t give too much reason for such presumption—that’s
all,’ replied I.
But all my exhortations were in vain: they only made her somewhat more
solicitous to disguise her wishes and her thoughts from me. She talked
no more to me about the Rector; but I could see that her mind, if not her
heart, was fixed upon him still, and that she was intent upon obtaining
another interview: for though, in compliance with her mother’s request, I
was now constituted the companion of her rambles for a time, she still
persisted in wandering in the fields and lanes that lay in the nearest
proximity to the road; and, whether she talked to me or read the book she
carried in her hand, she kept continually pausing to look round her, or
gaze up the road to see if anyone was coming; and if a horseman trotted
by, I could tell by her unqualified abuse of the poor equestrian, whoever
he might be, that she hated him _because_ he was not Mr. Hatfield.
‘Surely,’ thought I, ‘she is not so indifferent to him as she believes
herself to be, or would have others to believe her; and her mother’s
anxiety is not so wholly causeless as she affirms.’
Three days passed away, and he did not make his appearance. On the
afternoon of the fourth, as we were walking beside the park-palings in
the memorable field, each furnished with a book (for I always took care
to provide myself with something to be doing when she did not require me
to talk), she suddenly interrupted my studies by exclaiming—
‘Oh, Miss Grey! do be so kind as to go and see Mark Wood, and take his
wife half-a-crown from me—I should have given or sent it a week ago, but
quite forgot. There!’ said she, throwing me her purse, and speaking very
fast—‘Never mind getting it out now, but take the purse and give them
what you like; I would go with you, but I want to finish this volume.
I’ll come and meet you when I’ve done it. Be quick, will you—and—oh,
wait; hadn’t you better read to him a bit? Run to the house and get some
sort of a good book. Anything will do.’
I did as I was desired; but, suspecting something from her hurried manner
and the suddenness of the request, I just glanced back before I quitted
the field, and there was Mr. Hatfield about to enter at the gate below.
By sending me to the house for a book, she had just prevented my meeting
him on the road.
‘Never mind!’ thought I, ‘there’ll be no great harm done. Poor Mark will
be glad of the half-crown, and perhaps of the good book too; and if the
Rector does steal Miss Rosalie’s heart, it will only humble her pride a
little; and if they do get married at last, it will only save her from a
worse fate; and she will be quite a good enough partner for him, and he
for her.’
Mark Wood was the consumptive labourer whom I mentioned before. He was
now rapidly wearing away. Miss Murray, by her liberality, obtained
literally the blessing of him that was ready to perish; for though the
half-crown could be of very little service to him, he was glad of it for
the sake of his wife and children, so soon to be widowed and fatherless.
After I had sat a few minutes, and read a little for the comfort and
edification of himself and his afflicted wife, I left them; but I had not
proceeded fifty yards before I encountered Mr. Weston, apparently on his
way to the same abode. He greeted me in his usual quiet, unaffected way,
stopped to inquire about the condition of the sick man and his family,
and with a sort of unconscious, brotherly disregard to ceremony took from
my hand the book out of which I had been reading, turned over its pages,
made a few brief but very sensible remarks, and restored it; then told me
about some poor sufferer he had just been visiting, talked a little about
Nancy Brown, made a few observations upon my little rough friend the
terrier, that was frisking at his feet, and finally upon the beauty of
the weather, and departed.
I have omitted to give a detail of his words, from a notion that they
would not interest the reader as they did me, and not because I have
forgotten them. No; I remember them well; for I thought them over and
over again in the course of that day and many succeeding ones, I know not
how often; and recalled every intonation of his deep, clear voice, every
flash of his quick, brown eye, and every gleam of his pleasant, but too
transient smile. Such a confession will look very absurd, I fear: but no
matter: I have written it: and they that read it will not know the
writer.
While I was walking along, happy within, and pleased with all around,
Miss Murray came hastening to meet me; her buoyant step, flushed cheek,
and radiant smiles showing that she, too, was happy, in her own way.
Running up to me, she put her arm through mine, and without waiting to
recover breath, began—‘Now, Miss Grey, think yourself highly honoured,
for I’m come to tell you my news before I’ve breathed a word of it to
anyone else.’
‘Well, what is it?’
‘Oh, _such_ news! In the first place, you must know that Mr. Hatfield
came upon me just after you were gone. I was in such a way for fear papa
or mamma should see him; but you know I couldn’t call you back again, and
so!—oh, dear! I can’t tell you all about it now, for there’s Matilda, I
see, in the park, and I must go and open my budget to her. But, however,
Hatfield was most uncommonly audacious, unspeakably complimentary, and
unprecedentedly tender—tried to be so, at least—he didn’t succeed very
well in _that_, because it’s not his vein. I’ll tell you all he said
another time.’
‘But what did _you_ say—I’m more interested in that?’
‘I’ll tell you that, too, at some future period. I happened to be in a
very good humour just then; but, though I was complaisant and gracious
enough, I took care not to compromise myself in any possible way. But,
however, the conceited wretch chose to interpret my amiability of temper
his own way, and at length presumed upon my indulgence so far—what do you
think?—he actually made me an offer!’
‘And you—’
‘I proudly drew myself up, and with the greatest coolness expressed my
astonishment at such an occurrence, and hoped he had seen nothing in my
conduct to justify his expectations. You should have _seen_ how his
countenance fell! He went perfectly white in the face. I assured him
that I esteemed him and all that, but could not possibly accede to his
proposals; and if I did, papa and mamma could never be brought to give
their consent.’
‘“But if they could,” said he, “would yours be wanting?”
‘“Certainly, Mr. Hatfield,” I replied, with a cool decision which quelled
all hope at once. Oh, if you had seen how dreadfully mortified he
was—how crushed to the earth by his disappointment! really, I almost
pitied him myself.
‘One more desperate attempt, however, he made. After a silence of
considerable duration, during which he struggled to be calm, and I to be
grave—for I felt a strong propensity to laugh—which would have ruined
all—he said, with the ghost of a smile—“But tell me plainly, Miss Murray,
if I had the wealth of Sir Hugh Meltham, or the prospects of his eldest
son, would you still refuse me? Answer me truly, upon your honour.”
‘“Certainly,” said I. “That would make no difference whatever.”
‘It was a great lie, but he looked so confident in his own attractions
still, that I determined not to leave him one stone upon another. He
looked me full in the face; but I kept my countenance so well that he
could not imagine I was saying anything more than the actual truth.
‘“Then it’s all over, I suppose,” he said, looking as if he could have
died on the spot with vexation and the intensity of his despair. But he
was angry as well as disappointed. There was he, suffering so
unspeakably, and there was I, the pitiless cause of it all, so utterly
impenetrable to all the artillery of his looks and words, so calmly cold
and proud, he could not but feel some resentment; and with singular
bitterness he began—“I certainly did not expect this, Miss Murray. I
might say something about your past conduct, and the hopes you have led
me to foster, but I forbear, on condition—”
‘“No conditions, Mr. Hatfield!” said I, now truly indignant at his
insolence.
‘“Then let me beg it as a favour,” he replied, lowering his voice at
once, and taking a humbler tone: “let me entreat that you will not
mention this affair to anyone whatever. If you will keep silence about
it, there need be no unpleasantness on either side—nothing, I mean,
beyond what is quite unavoidable: for my own feelings I will endeavour to
keep to myself, if I cannot annihilate them—I will try to forgive, if I
cannot forget the cause of my sufferings. I will not suppose, Miss
Murray, that you know how deeply you have injured me. I would not have
you aware of it; but if, in addition to the injury you have already done
me—pardon me, but, whether innocently or not, you _have_ done it—and if
you add to it by giving publicity to this unfortunate affair, or naming
it _at all_, you will find that I too can speak, and though you scorned
my love, you will hardly scorn my—”
‘He stopped, but he bit his bloodless lip, and looked so terribly fierce
that I was quite frightened. However, my pride upheld me still, and I
answered disdainfully; “I do not know what motive you suppose I could
have for naming it to anyone, Mr. Hatfield; but if I were disposed to do
so, you would not deter me by threats; and it is scarcely the part of a
gentleman to attempt it.”
‘“Pardon me, Miss Murray,” said he, “I have loved you so intensely—I do
still adore you so deeply, that I would not willingly offend you; but
though I never have loved, and never _can_ love any woman as I have loved
you, it is equally certain that I never was so ill-treated by any. On
the contrary, I have always found your sex the kindest and most tender
and obliging of God’s creation, till now.” (Think of the conceited
fellow saying that!) “And the novelty and harshness of the lesson you
have taught me to-day, and the bitterness of being disappointed in the
only quarter on which the happiness of my life depended, must excuse any
appearance of asperity. If my presence is disagreeable to you, Miss
Murray,” he said (for I was looking about me to show how little I cared
for him, so he thought I was tired of him, I suppose)—“if my presence is
disagreeable to you, Miss Murray, you have only to promise me the favour
I named, and I will relieve you at once. There are many ladies—some even
in this parish—who would be delighted to accept what you have so
scornfully trampled under your feet. They would be naturally inclined to
hate one whose surpassing loveliness has so completely estranged my heart
from them and blinded me to their attractions; and a single hint of the
truth from me to one of these would be sufficient to raise such a talk
against you as would seriously injure your prospects, and diminish your
chance of success with any other gentleman you or your mamma might design
to entangle.”
‘“What do your mean, sir?” said I, ready to stamp with passion.
‘“I mean that this affair from beginning to end appears to me like a case
of arrant flirtation, to say the least of it—such a case as you would
find it rather inconvenient to have blazoned through the world:
especially with the additions and exaggerations of your female rivals,
who would be too glad to publish the matter, if I only gave them a handle
to it. But I promise you, on the faith of a gentleman, that no word or
syllable that could tend to your prejudice shall ever escape my lips,
provided you will—”
‘“Well, well, I won’t mention it,” said I. “You may rely upon my
silence, if that can afford you any consolation.”
‘“You promise it?”
‘“Yes,” I answered; for I wanted to get rid of him now.
‘“Farewell, then!” said he, in a most doleful, heart-sick tone; and with
a look where pride vainly struggled against despair, he turned and went
away: longing, no doubt, to get home, that he might shut himself up in
his study and cry—if he doesn’t burst into tears before he gets there.’
‘But you have broken your promise already,’ said I, truly horrified at
her perfidy.
‘Oh! it’s only to you; I know you won’t repeat it.’
‘Certainly, I shall not: but you say you are going to tell your sister;
and she will tell your brothers when they come home, and Brown
immediately, if you do not tell her yourself; and Brown will blazon it,
or be the means of blazoning it, throughout the country.’
‘No, indeed, she won’t. We shall not tell her at all, unless it be under
the promise of the strictest secrecy.’
‘But how can you expect her to keep her promises better than her more
enlightened mistress?’
‘Well, well, she shan’t hear it then,’ said Miss Murray, somewhat
snappishly.
‘But you will tell your mamma, of course,’ pursued I; ‘and she will tell
your papa.’
‘Of course I shall tell mamma—that is the very thing that pleases me so
much. I shall now be able to convince her how mistaken she was in her
fears about me.’
‘Oh, _that’s_ it, is it? I was wondering what it was that delighted you
so much.’
‘Yes; and another thing is, that I’ve humbled Mr. Hatfield so charmingly;
and another—why, you must allow me some share of female vanity: I don’t
pretend to be without that most essential attribute of our sex—and if you
had seen poor Hatfield’s intense eagerness in making his ardent
declaration and his flattering proposal, and his agony of mind, that no
effort of pride could conceal, on being refused, you would have allowed I
had some cause to be gratified.’
‘The greater his agony, I should think, the less your cause for
gratification.’
‘Oh, nonsense!’ cried the young lady, shaking herself with vexation.
‘You either can’t understand me, or you won’t. If I had not confidence
in your magnanimity, I should think you envied me. But you will,
perhaps, comprehend this cause of pleasure—which is as great as
any—namely, that I am delighted with myself for my prudence, my
self-command, my heartlessness, if you please. I was not a bit taken by
surprise, not a bit confused, or awkward, or foolish; I just acted and
spoke as I ought to have done, and was completely my own mistress
throughout. And here was a man, decidedly good-looking—Jane and Susan
Green call him bewitchingly handsome--I suppose they’re two of the ladies
he pretends would be so glad to have him; but, however, he was certainly
a very clever, witty, agreeable companion—not what you call clever, but
just enough to make him entertaining; and a man one needn’t be ashamed of
anywhere, and would not soon grow tired of; and to confess the truth, I
rather liked him—better even, of late, than Harry Meltham—and he
evidently idolised me; and yet, though he came upon me all alone and
unprepared, I had the wisdom, and the pride, and the strength to refuse
him—and so scornfully and coolly as I did: I have good reason to be proud
of that.’
‘And are you equally proud of having told him that his having the wealth
of Sir Hugh Meltham would make no difference to you, when that was not
the case; and of having promised to tell no one of his misadventure,
apparently without the slightest intention of keeping your promise?’
‘Of course! what else could I do? You would not have had me—but I see,
Miss Grey, you’re not in a good temper. Here’s Matilda; I’ll see what
she and mamma have to say about it.’
She left me, offended at my want of sympathy, and thinking, no doubt,
that I envied her. I did not—at least, I firmly believed I did not. I
was sorry for her; I was amazed, disgusted at her heartless vanity; I
wondered why so much beauty should be given to those who made so bad a
use of it, and denied to some who would make it a benefit to both
themselves and others.
But, God knows best, I concluded. There are, I suppose, some men as
vain, as selfish, and as heartless as she is, and, perhaps, such women
may be useful to punish them.
CHAPTER XV—THE WALK
‘Oh, dear! I wish Hatfield had not been so precipitate!’ said Rosalie
next day at four P.M., as, with a portentous yawn, she laid down her
worsted-work and looked listlessly towards the window. ‘There’s no
inducement to go out now; and nothing to look forward to. The days will
be so long and dull when there are no parties to enliven them; and there
are none this week, or next either, that I know of.’
‘Pity you were so cross to him,’ observed Matilda, to whom this
lamentation was addressed. ‘He’ll never come again: and I suspect you
liked him after all. I hoped you would have taken him for your beau, and
left dear Harry to me.’
‘Humph! my beau must be an Adonis indeed, Matilda, the admired of all
beholders, if I am to be contented with him alone. I’m sorry to lose
Hatfield, I confess; but the first decent man, or number of men, that
come to supply his place, will be more than welcome. It’s Sunday
to-morrow—I do wonder how he’ll look, and whether he’ll be able to go
through the service. Most likely he’ll pretend he’s got a cold, and make
Mr. Weston do it all.’
‘Not he!’ exclaimed Matilda, somewhat contemptuously. ‘Fool as he is,
he’s not so soft as that comes to.’
Her sister was slightly offended; but the event proved Matilda was right:
the disappointed lover performed his pastoral duties as usual. Rosalie,
indeed, affirmed he looked very pale and dejected: he might be a little
paler; but the difference, if any, was scarcely perceptible. As for his
dejection, I certainly did not hear his laugh ringing from the vestry as
usual, nor his voice loud in hilarious discourse; though I did hear it
uplifted in rating the sexton in a manner that made the congregation
stare; and, in his transits to and from the pulpit and the
communion-table, there was more of solemn pomp, and less of that
irreverent, self-confident, or rather self-delighted imperiousness with
which he usually swept along—that air that seemed to say, ‘You all
reverence and adore me, I know; but if anyone does not, I defy him to the
teeth!’ But the most remarkable change was, that he never once suffered
his eyes to wander in the direction of Mr. Murray’s pew, and did not
leave the church till we were gone.
Mr. Hatfield had doubtless received a very severe blow; but his pride
impelled him to use every effort to conceal the effects of it. He had
been disappointed in his certain hope of obtaining not only a beautiful,
and, to him, highly attractive wife, but one whose rank and fortune might
give brilliance to far inferior charms: he was likewise, no doubt,
intensely mortified by his repulse, and deeply offended at the conduct of
Miss Murray throughout. It would have given him no little consolation to
have known how disappointed she was to find him apparently so little
moved, and to see that he was able to refrain from casting a single
glance at her throughout both services; though, she declared, it showed
he was thinking of her all the time, or his eyes would have fallen upon
her, if it were only by chance: but if they had so chanced to fall, she
would have affirmed it was because they could not resist the attraction.
It might have pleased him, too, in some degree, to have seen how dull and
dissatisfied she was throughout that week (the greater part of it, at
least), for lack of her usual source of excitement; and how often she
regretted having ‘used him up so soon,’ like a child that, having
devoured its plumcake too hastily, sits sucking its fingers, and vainly
lamenting its greediness.
At length I was called upon, one fine morning, to accompany her in a walk
to the village. Ostensibly she went to get some shades of Berlin wool,
at a tolerably respectable shop that was chiefly supported by the ladies
of the vicinity: really—I trust there is no breach of charity in
supposing that she went with the idea of meeting either with the Rector
himself, or some other admirer by the way; for as we went along, she kept
wondering ‘what Hatfield would do or say, if we met him,’ &c. &c.; as we
passed Mr. Green’s park-gates, she ‘wondered whether he was at home—great
stupid blockhead’; as Lady Meltham’s carriage passed us, she ‘wondered
what Mr. Harry was doing this fine day’; and then began to abuse his
elder brother for being ‘such a fool as to get married and go and live in
London.’
‘Why,’ said I, ‘I thought you wanted to live in London yourself.’
‘Yes, because it’s so dull here: but then he makes it still duller by
taking himself off: and if he were not married I might have him instead
of that odious Sir Thomas.’
Then, observing the prints of a horse’s feet on the somewhat miry road,
she ‘wondered whether it was a gentleman’s horse,’ and finally concluded
it was, for the impressions were too small to have been made by a ‘great
clumsy cart-horse’; and then she ‘wondered who the rider could be,’ and
whether we should meet him coming back, for she was sure he had only
passed that morning; and lastly, when we entered the village and saw only
a few of its humble inhabitants moving about, she ‘wondered why the
stupid people couldn’t keep in their houses; she was sure she didn’t want
to see their ugly faces, and dirty, vulgar clothes—it wasn’t for that she
came to Horton!’
Amid all this, I confess, I wondered, too, in secret, whether we should
meet, or catch a glimpse of somebody else; and as we passed his lodgings,
I even went so far as to wonder whether he was at the window. On
entering the shop, Miss Murray desired me to stand in the doorway while
she transacted her business, and tell her if anyone passed. But alas!
there was no one visible besides the villagers, except Jane and Susan
Green coming down the single street, apparently returning from a walk.
‘Stupid things!’ muttered she, as she came out after having concluded her
bargain. ‘Why couldn’t they have their dolt of a brother with them? even
he would be better than nothing.’
She greeted them, however, with a cheerful smile, and protestations of
pleasure at the happy meeting equal to their own. They placed themselves
one on each side of her, and all three walked away chatting and laughing
as young ladies do when they get together, if they be but on tolerably
intimate terms. But I, feeling myself to be one too many, left them to
their merriment and lagged behind, as usual on such occasions: I had no
relish for walking beside Miss Green or Miss Susan like one deaf and
dumb, who could neither speak nor be spoken to.
But this time I was not long alone. It struck me, first, as very odd,
that just as I was thinking about Mr. Weston he should come up and accost
me; but afterwards, on due reflection, I thought there was nothing odd
about it, unless it were the fact of his speaking to me; for on such a
morning and so near his own abode, it was natural enough that he should
be about; and as for my thinking of him, I had been doing that, with
little intermission, ever since we set out on our journey; so there was
nothing remarkable in that.
‘You are alone again, Miss Grey,’ said he.
‘Yes.’
‘What kind of people are those ladies—the Misses Green?’
‘I really don’t know.’
‘That’s strange—when you live so near and see them so often!’
‘Well, I suppose they are lively, good-tempered girls; but I imagine you
must know them better than I do, yourself, for I never exchanged a word
with either of them.’
‘Indeed? They don’t strike me as being particularly reserved.’
‘Very likely they are not so to people of their own class; but they
consider themselves as moving in quite a different sphere from me!’
He made no reply to this: but after a short pause, he said,—‘I suppose
it’s these things, Miss Grey, that make you think you could not live
without a home?’
‘Not exactly. The fact is I am too socially disposed to be able to live
contentedly without a friend; and as the only friends I have, or am
likely to have, are at home, if it—or rather, if they were gone—I will
not say I could not live—but I would rather not live in such a desolate
world.’
‘But why do you say the only friends you are likely to have? Are you so
unsociable that you cannot make friends?’
‘No, but I never made one yet; and in my present position there is no
possibility of doing so, or even of forming a common acquaintance. The
fault may be partly in myself, but I hope not altogether.’
‘The fault is partly in society, and partly, I should think, in your
immediate neighbours: and partly, too, in yourself; for many ladies, in
your position, would make themselves be noticed and accounted of. But
your pupils should be companions for you in some degree; they cannot be
many years younger than yourself.’
‘Oh, yes, they are good company sometimes; but I cannot call them
friends, nor would they think of bestowing such a name on me—they have
other companions better suited to their tastes.’
‘Perhaps you are too wise for them. How do you amuse yourself when
alone—do you read much?’
‘Reading is my favourite occupation, when I have leisure for it and books
to read.’
From speaking of books in general, he passed to different books in
particular, and proceeded by rapid transitions from topic to topic, till
several matters, both of taste and opinion, had been discussed
considerably within the space of half an hour, but without the
embellishment of many observations from himself; he being evidently less
bent upon communicating his own thoughts and predilections, than on
discovering mine. He had not the tact, or the art, to effect such a
purpose by skilfully drawing out my sentiments or ideas through the real
or apparent statement of his own, or leading the conversation by
imperceptible gradations to such topics as he wished to advert to: but
such gentle abruptness, and such single-minded straightforwardness, could
not possibly offend me.
‘And why should he interest himself at all in my moral and intellectual
capacities: what is it to him what I think or feel?’ I asked myself. And
my heart throbbed in answer to the question.
But Jane and Susan Green soon reached their home. As they stood
parleying at the park-gates, attempting to persuade Miss Murray to come
in, I wished Mr. Weston would go, that she might not see him with me when
she turned round; but, unfortunately, his business, which was to pay one
more visit to poor Mark Wood, led him to pursue the same path as we did,
till nearly the close of our journey. When, however, he saw that Rosalie
had taken leave of her friends and I was about to join her, he would have
left me and passed on at a quicker pace; but, as he civilly lifted his
hat in passing her, to my surprise, instead of returning the salute with
a stiff, ungracious bow, she accosted him with one of her sweetest
smiles, and, walking by his side, began to talk to him with all
imaginable cheerfulness and affability; and so we proceeded all three
together.
After a short pause in the conversation, Mr. Weston made some remark
addressed particularly to me, as referring to something we had been
talking of before; but before I could answer, Miss Murray replied to the
observation and enlarged upon it: he rejoined; and, from thence to the
close of the interview, she engrossed him entirely to herself. It might
be partly owing to my own stupidity, my want of tact and assurance: but I
felt myself wronged: I trembled with apprehension; and I listened with
envy to her easy, rapid flow of utterance, and saw with anxiety the
bright smile with which she looked into his face from time to time: for
she was walking a little in advance, for the purpose (as I judged) of
being seen as well as heard. If her conversation was light and trivial,
it was amusing, and she was never at a loss for something to say, or for
suitable words to express it in. There was nothing pert or flippant in
her manner now, as when she walked with Mr. Hatfield, there was only a
gentle, playful kind of vivacity, which I thought must be peculiarly
pleasing to a man of Mr. Weston’s disposition and temperament.
When he was gone she began to laugh, and muttered to herself, ‘I thought
I could do it!’
‘Do what?’ I asked.
‘Fix that man.’
‘What in the world do you mean?’
‘I mean that he will go home and dream of me. I have shot him through
the heart!’
‘How do you know?’
‘By many infallible proofs: more especially the look he gave me when he
went away. It was not an impudent look—I exonerate him from that—it was
a look of reverential, tender adoration. Ha, ha! he’s not quite such a
stupid blockhead as I thought him!’
I made no answer, for my heart was in my throat, or something like it,
and I could not trust myself to speak. ‘O God, avert it!’ I cried,
internally—‘for his sake, not for mine!’
Miss Murray made several trivial observations as we passed up the park,
to which (in spite of my reluctance to let one glimpse of my feelings
appear) I could only answer by monosyllables. Whether she intended to
torment me, or merely to amuse herself, I could not tell—and did not much
care; but I thought of the poor man and his one lamb, and the rich man
with his thousand flocks; and I dreaded I knew not what for Mr. Weston,
independently of my own blighted hopes.
Right glad was I to get into the house, and find myself alone once more
in my own room. My first impulse was to sink into the chair beside the
bed; and laying my head on the pillow, to seek relief in a passionate
burst of tears: there was an imperative craving for such an indulgence;
but, alas! I must restrain and swallow back my feelings still: there was
the bell—the odious bell for the schoolroom dinner; and I must go down
with a calm face, and smile, and laugh, and talk nonsense—yes, and eat,
too, if possible, as if all was right, and I was just returned from a
pleasant walk.
CHAPTER XVI—THE SUBSTITUTION
Next Sunday was one of the gloomiest of April days—a day of thick, dark
clouds, and heavy showers. None of the Murrays were disposed to attend
church in the afternoon, excepting Rosalie: she was bent upon going as
usual; so she ordered the carriage, and I went with her: nothing loth, of
course, for at church I might look without fear of scorn or censure upon
a form and face more pleasing to me than the most beautiful of God’s
creations; I might listen without disturbance to a voice more charming
than the sweetest music to my ears; I might seem to hold communion with
that soul in which I felt so deeply interested, and imbibe its purest
thoughts and holiest aspirations, with no alloy to such felicity except
the secret reproaches of my conscience, which would too often whisper
that I was deceiving my own self, and mocking God with the service of a
heart more bent upon the creature than the Creator.
Sometimes, such thoughts would give me trouble enough; but sometimes I
could quiet them with thinking—it is not the man, it is his goodness that
I love. ‘Whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are honest and of good report, think on these things.’
We do well to worship God in His works; and I know none of them in which
so many of His attributes—so much of His own spirit shines, as in this
His faithful servant; whom to know and not to appreciate, were obtuse
insensibility in me, who have so little else to occupy my heart.
Almost immediately after the conclusion of the service, Miss Murray left
the church. We had to stand in the porch, for it was raining, and the
carriage was not yet come. I wondered at her coming forth so hastily,
for neither young Meltham nor Squire Green was there; but I soon found it
was to secure an interview with Mr. Weston as he came out, which he
presently did. Having saluted us both, he would have passed on, but she
detained him; first with observations upon the disagreeable weather, and
then with asking if he would be so kind as to come some time to-morrow to
see the granddaughter of the old woman who kept the porter’s lodge, for
the girl was ill of a fever, and wished to see him. He promised to do
so.
‘And at what time will you be most likely to come, Mr. Weston? The old
woman will like to know when to expect you—you know such people think
more about having their cottages in order when decent people come to see
them than we are apt to suppose.’
Here was a wonderful instance of consideration from the thoughtless Miss
Murray. Mr. Weston named an hour in the morning at which he would
endeavour, to be there. By this time the carriage was ready, and the
footman was waiting, with an open umbrella, to escort Miss Murray through
the churchyard. I was about to follow; but Mr. Weston had an umbrella
too, and offered me the benefit of its shelter, for it was raining
heavily.
‘No, thank you, I don’t mind the rain,’ I said. I always lacked common
sense when taken by surprise.
‘But you don’t _like_ it, I suppose?—an umbrella will do you no harm at
any rate,’ he replied, with a smile that showed he was not offended; as a
man of worse temper or less penetration would have been at such a refusal
of his aid. I could not deny the truth of his assertion, and so went
with him to the carriage; he even offered me his hand on getting in: an
unnecessary piece of civility, but I accepted that too, for fear of
giving offence. One glance he gave, one little smile at parting—it was
but for a moment; but therein I read, or thought I read, a meaning that
kindled in my heart a brighter flame of hope than had ever yet arisen.
‘I would have sent the footman back for you, Miss Grey, if you’d waited a
moment—you needn’t have taken Mr. Weston’s umbrella,’ observed Rosalie,
with a very unamiable cloud upon her pretty face.
‘I would have come without an umbrella, but Mr. Weston offered me the
benefit of his, and I could not have refused it more than I did without
offending him,’ replied I, smiling placidly; for my inward happiness made
that amusing, which would have wounded me at another time.
The carriage was now in motion. Miss Murray bent forwards, and looked
out of the window as we were passing Mr. Weston. He was pacing homewards
along the causeway, and did not turn his head.
‘Stupid ass!’ cried she, throwing herself back again in the seat. ‘You
don’t know what you’ve lost by not looking this way!’
‘What has he lost?’
‘A bow from me, that would have raised him to the seventh heaven!’
I made no answer. I saw she was out of humour, and I derived a secret
gratification from the fact, not that she was vexed, but that she thought
she had reason to be so. It made me think my hopes were not entirely the
offspring of my wishes and imagination.
‘I mean to take up Mr. Weston instead of Mr. Hatfield,’ said my
companion, after a short pause, resuming something of her usual
cheerfulness. ‘The ball at Ashby Park takes place on Tuesday, you know;
and mamma thinks it very likely that Sir Thomas will propose to me then:
such things are often done in the privacy of the ball-room, when
gentlemen are most easily ensnared, and ladies most enchanting. But if I
am to be married so soon, I must make the best of the present time: I am
determined Hatfield shall not be the only man who shall lay his heart at
my feet, and implore me to accept the worthless gift in vain.’
‘If you mean Mr. Weston to be one of your victims,’ said I, with affected
indifference, ‘you will have to make such overtures yourself that you
will find it difficult to draw back when he asks you to fulfil the
expectations you have raised.’
‘I don’t suppose he will ask me to marry him, nor should I desire it:
that would be rather too much presumption! but I intend him to feel my
power. He has felt it already, indeed: but he shall _acknowledge_ it
too; and what visionary hopes he may have, he must keep to himself, and
only amuse me with the result of them—for a time.’
‘Oh! that some kind spirit would whisper those words in his ear,’ I
inwardly exclaimed. I was far too indignant to hazard a reply to her
observation aloud; and nothing more was said about Mr. Weston that day,
by me or in my hearing. But next morning, soon after breakfast, Miss
Murray came into the schoolroom, where her sister was employed at her
studies, or rather her lessons, for studies they were not, and said,
‘Matilda, I want you to take a walk with me about eleven o’clock.’
‘Oh, I can’t, Rosalie! I have to give orders about my new bridle and
saddle-cloth, and speak to the rat-catcher about his dogs: Miss Grey must
go with you.’
‘No, I want you,’ said Rosalie; and calling her sister to the window, she
whispered an explanation in her ear; upon which the latter consented to
go.
I remembered that eleven was the hour at which Mr. Weston proposed to
come to the porter’s lodge; and remembering that, I beheld the whole
contrivance. Accordingly, at dinner, I was entertained with a long
account of how Mr. Weston had overtaken them as they were walking along
the road; and how they had had a long walk and talk with him, and really
found him quite an agreeable companion; and how he must have been, and
evidently was, delighted with them and their amazing condescension, &c.
&c.
CHAPTER XVII—CONFESSIONS
As I am in the way of confessions I may as well acknowledge that, about
this time, I paid more attention to dress than ever I had done before.
This is not saying much—for hitherto I had been a little neglectful in
that particular; but now, also, it was no uncommon thing to spend as much
as two minutes in the contemplation of my own image in the glass; though
I never could derive any consolation from such a study. I could discover
no beauty in those marked features, that pale hollow cheek, and ordinary
dark brown hair; there might be intellect in the forehead, there might be
expression in the dark grey eyes, but what of that?—a low Grecian brow,
and large black eyes devoid of sentiment would be esteemed far
preferable. It is foolish to wish for beauty. Sensible people never
either desire it for themselves or care about it in others. If the mind
be but well cultivated, and the heart well disposed, no one ever cares
for the exterior. So said the teachers of our childhood; and so say we
to the children of the present day. All very judicious and proper, no
doubt; but are such assertions supported by actual experience?
We are naturally disposed to love what gives us pleasure, and what more
pleasing than a beautiful face—when we know no harm of the possessor at
least? A little girl loves her bird—Why? Because it lives and feels;
because it is helpless and harmless? A toad, likewise, lives and feels,
and is equally helpless and harmless; but though she would not hurt a
toad, she cannot love it like the bird, with its graceful form, soft
feathers, and bright, speaking eyes. If a woman is fair and amiable, she
is praised for both qualities, but especially the former, by the bulk of
mankind: if, on the other hand, she is disagreeable in person and
character, her plainness is commonly inveighed against as her greatest
crime, because, to common observers, it gives the greatest offence;
while, if she is plain and good, provided she is a person of retired
manners and secluded life, no one ever knows of her goodness, except her
immediate connections. Others, on the contrary, are disposed to form
unfavourable opinions of her mind, and disposition, if it be but to
excuse themselves for their instinctive dislike of one so unfavoured by
nature; and _visa versâ_ with her whose angel form conceals a vicious
heart, or sheds a false, deceitful charm over defects and foibles that
would not be tolerated in another. They that have beauty, let them be
thankful for it, and make a good use of it, like any other talent; they
that have it not, let them console themselves, and do the best they can
without it: certainly, though liable to be over-estimated, it is a gift
of God, and not to be despised. Many will feel this who have felt that
they could love, and whose hearts tell them that they are worthy to be
loved again; while yet they are debarred, by the lack of this or some
such seeming trifle, from giving and receiving that happiness they seem
almost made to feel and to impart. As well might the humble glowworm
despise that power of giving light without which the roving fly might
pass her and repass her a thousand times, and never rest beside her: she
might hear her winged darling buzzing over and around her; he vainly
seeking her, she longing to be found, but with no power to make her
presence known, no voice to call him, no wings to follow his flight;—the
fly must seek another mate, the worm must live and die alone.
Such were some of my reflections about this period. I might go on
prosing more and more, I might dive much deeper, and disclose other
thoughts, propose questions the reader might be puzzled to answer, and
deduce arguments that might startle his prejudices, or, perhaps, provoke
his ridicule, because he could not comprehend them; but I forbear.
Now, therefore, let us return to Miss Murray. She accompanied her mamma
to the ball on Tuesday; of course splendidly attired, and delighted with
her prospects and her charms. As Ashby Park was nearly ten miles distant
from Horton Lodge, they had to set out pretty early, and I intended to
have spent the evening with Nancy Brown, whom I had not seen for a long
time; but my kind pupil took care I should spend it neither there nor
anywhere else beyond the limits of the schoolroom, by giving me a piece
of music to copy, which kept me closely occupied till bed-time. About
eleven next morning, as soon as she had left her room, she came to tell
me her news. Sir Thomas had indeed proposed to her at the ball; an event
which reflected great credit on her mamma’s sagacity, if not upon her
skill in contrivance. I rather incline to the belief that she had first
laid her plans, and then predicted their success. The offer had been
accepted, of course, and the bridegroom elect was coming that day to
settle matters with Mr. Murray.
Rosalie was pleased with the thoughts of becoming mistress of Ashby Park;
she was elated with the prospect of the bridal ceremony and its attendant
splendour and éclat, the honeymoon spent abroad, and the subsequent
gaieties she expected to enjoy in London and elsewhere; she appeared
pretty well pleased too, for the time being, with Sir Thomas himself,
because she had so lately seen him, danced with him, and been flattered
by him; but, after all, she seemed to shrink from the idea of being so
soon united: she wished the ceremony to be delayed some months, at least;
and I wished it too. It seemed a horrible thing to hurry on the
inauspicious match, and not to give the poor creature time to think and
reason on the irrevocable step she was about to take. I made no
pretension to ‘a mother’s watchful, anxious care,’ but I was amazed and
horrified at Mrs. Murray’s heartlessness, or want of thought for the real
good of her child; and by my unheeded warnings and exhortations, I vainly
strove to remedy the evil. Miss Murray only laughed at what I said; and
I soon found that her reluctance to an immediate union arose chiefly from
a desire to do what execution she could among the young gentlemen of her
acquaintance, before she was incapacitated from further mischief of the
kind. It was for this cause that, before confiding to me the secret of
her engagement, she had extracted a promise that I would not mention a
word on the subject to any one. And when I saw this, and when I beheld
her plunge more recklessly than ever into the depths of heartless
coquetry, I had no more pity for her. ‘Come what will,’ I thought, ‘she
deserves it. Sir Thomas cannot be too bad for her; and the sooner she is
incapacitated from deceiving and injuring others the better.’
The wedding was fixed for the first of June. Between that and the
critical ball was little more than six weeks; but, with Rosalie’s
accomplished skill and resolute exertion, much might be done, even within
that period; especially as Sir Thomas spent most of the interim in
London; whither he went up, it was said, to settle affairs with his
lawyer, and make other preparations for the approaching nuptials. He
endeavoured to supply the want of his presence by a pretty constant fire
of billets-doux; but these did not attract the neighbours’ attention, and
open their eyes, as personal visits would have done; and old Lady Ashby’s
haughty, sour spirit of reserve withheld her from spreading the news,
while her indifferent health prevented her coming to visit her future
daughter-in-law; so that, altogether, this affair was kept far closer
than such things usually are.
Rosalie would sometimes show her lover’s epistles to me, to convince me
what a kind, devoted husband he would make. She showed me the letters of
another individual, too, the unfortunate Mr. Green, who had not the
courage, or, as she expressed it, the ‘spunk,’ to plead his cause in
person, but whom one denial would not satisfy: he must write again and
again. He would not have done so if he could have seen the grimaces his
fair idol made over his moving appeals to her feelings, and heard her
scornful laughter, and the opprobrious epithets she heaped upon him for
his perseverance.
‘Why don’t you tell him, at once, that you are engaged?’ I asked.
‘Oh, I don’t want him to know that,’ replied she. ‘If he knew it, his
sisters and everybody would know it, and then there would be an end of
my—ahem! And, besides, if I told him that, he would think my engagement
was the only obstacle, and that I would have him if I were free; which I
could not bear that any man should think, and he, of all others, at
least. Besides, I don’t care for his letters,’ she added,
contemptuously; ‘he may write as often as he pleases, and look as great a
calf as he likes when I meet him; it only amuses me.’
Meantime, young Meltham was pretty frequent in his visits to the house or
transits past it; and, judging by Matilda’s execrations and reproaches,
her sister paid more attention to him than civility required; in other
words, she carried on as animated a flirtation as the presence of her
parents would admit. She made some attempts to bring Mr. Hatfield once
more to her feet; but finding them unsuccessful, she repaid his haughty
indifference with still loftier scorn, and spoke of him with as much
disdain and detestation as she had formerly done of his curate. But,
amid all this, she never for a moment lost sight of Mr. Weston. She
embraced every opportunity of meeting him, tried every art to fascinate
him, and pursued him with as much perseverance as if she really loved him
and no other, and the happiness of her life depended upon eliciting a
return of affection. Such conduct was completely beyond my
comprehension. Had I seen it depicted in a novel, I should have thought
it unnatural; had I heard it described by others, I should have deemed it
a mistake or an exaggeration; but when I saw it with my own eyes, and
suffered from it too, I could only conclude that excessive vanity, like
drunkenness, hardens the heart, enslaves the faculties, and perverts the
feelings; and that dogs are not the only creatures which, when gorged to
the throat, will yet gloat over what they cannot devour, and grudge the
smallest morsel to a starving brother.
She now became extremely beneficent to the poor cottagers. Her
acquaintance among them was more widely extended, her visits to their
humble dwellings were more frequent and excursive than they had ever been
before. Hereby, she earned among them the reputation of a condescending
and very charitable young lady; and their encomiums were sure to be
repeated to Mr. Weston: whom also she had thus a daily chance of meeting
in one or other of their abodes, or in her transits to and fro; and
often, likewise, she could gather, through their gossip, to what places
he was likely to go at such and such a time, whether to baptize a child,
or to visit the aged, the sick, the sad, or the dying; and most skilfully
she laid her plans accordingly. In these excursions she would sometimes
go with her sister—whom, by some means, she had persuaded or bribed to
enter into her schemes—sometimes alone, never, now, with me; so that I
was debarred the pleasure of seeing Mr. Weston, or hearing his voice even
in conversation with another: which would certainly have been a very
great pleasure, however hurtful or however fraught with pain. I could
not even see him at church: for Miss Murray, under some trivial pretext,
chose to take possession of that corner in the family pew which had been
mine ever since I came; and, unless I had the presumption to station
myself between Mr. and Mrs. Murray, I must sit with my back to the
pulpit, which I accordingly did.
Now, also, I never walked home with my pupils: they said their mamma
thought it did not look well to see three people out of the family
walking, and only two going in the carriage; and, as they greatly
preferred walking in fine weather, I should be honoured by going with the
seniors. ‘And besides,’ said they, ‘you can’t walk as fast as we do; you
know you’re always lagging behind.’ I knew these were false excuses, but
I made no objections, and never contradicted such assertions, well
knowing the motives which dictated them. And in the afternoons, during
those six memorable weeks, I never went to church at all. If I had a
cold, or any slight indisposition, they took advantage of that to make me
stay at home; and often they would tell me they were not going again that
day, themselves, and then pretend to change their minds, and set off
without telling me: so managing their departure that I never discovered
the change of purpose till too late. Upon their return home, on one of
these occasions, they entertained me with an animated account of a
conversation they had had with Mr. Weston as they came along. ‘And he
asked if you were ill, Miss Grey,’ said Matilda; ‘but we told him you
were quite well, only you didn’t want to come to church—so he’ll think
you’re turned wicked.’
All chance meetings on week-days were likewise carefully prevented; for,
lest I should go to see poor Nancy Brown or any other person, Miss Murray
took good care to provide sufficient employment for all my leisure hours.
There was always some drawing to finish, some music to copy, or some work
to do, sufficient to incapacitate me from indulging in anything beyond a
short walk about the grounds, however she or her sister might be
occupied.
One morning, having sought and waylaid Mr. Weston, they returned in high
glee to give me an account of their interview. ‘And he asked after you
again,’ said Matilda, in spite of her sister’s silent but imperative
intimation that she should hold her tongue. ‘He wondered why you were
never with us, and thought you must have delicate health, as you came out
so seldom.’
‘He didn’t Matilda—what nonsense you’re talking!’
‘Oh, Rosalie, what a lie! He did, you know; and you said—Don’t,
Rosalie—hang it!—I won’t be pinched so! And, Miss Grey, Rosalie told him
you were quite well, but you were always so buried in your books that you
had no pleasure in anything else.’
‘What an idea he must have of me!’ I thought.
‘And,’ I asked, ‘does old Nancy ever inquire about me?’
‘Yes; and we tell her you are so fond of reading and drawing that you can
do nothing else.’
‘That is not the case though; if you had told her I was so busy I could
not come to see her, it would have been nearer the truth.’
‘I don’t think it would,’ replied Miss Murray, suddenly kindling up; ‘I’m
sure you have plenty of time to yourself now, when you have so little
teaching to do.’
It was no use beginning to dispute with such indulged, unreasoning
creatures: so I held my peace. I was accustomed, now, to keeping silence
when things distasteful to my ear were uttered; and now, too, I was used
to wearing a placid smiling countenance when my heart was bitter within
me. Only those who have felt the like can imagine my feelings, as I sat
with an assumption of smiling indifference, listening to the accounts of
those meetings and interviews with Mr. Weston, which they seemed to find
such pleasure in describing to me; and hearing things asserted of him
which, from the character of the man, I knew to be exaggerations and
perversions of the truth, if not entirely false—things derogatory to him,
and flattering to them—especially to Miss Murray—which I burned to
contradict, or, at least, to show my doubts about, but dared not; lest,
in expressing my disbelief, I should display my interest too. Other
things I heard, which I felt or feared were indeed too true: but I must
still conceal my anxiety respecting him, my indignation against them,
beneath a careless aspect; others, again, mere hints of something said or
done, which I longed to hear more of, but could not venture to inquire.
So passed the weary time. I could not even comfort myself with saying,
‘She will soon be married; and then there may be hope.’
Soon after her marriage the holidays would come; and when I returned from
home, most likely, Mr. Weston would be gone, for I was told that he and
the Rector could not agree (the Rector’s fault, of course), and he was
about to remove to another place.
No—besides my hope in God, my only consolation was in thinking that,
though he know it not, I was more worthy of his love than Rosalie Murray,
charming and engaging as she was; for I could appreciate his excellence,
which she could not: I would devote my life to the promotion of his
happiness; she would destroy his happiness for the momentary
gratification of her own vanity. ‘Oh, if he could but know the
difference!’ I would earnestly exclaim. ‘But no! I would not have him
see my heart: yet, if he could but know her hollowness, her worthless,
heartless frivolity, he would then be safe, and I should be—_almost_
happy, though I might never see him more!’
I fear, by this time, the reader is well nigh disgusted with the folly
and weakness I have so freely laid before him. I never disclosed it
then, and would not have done so had my own sister or my mother been with
me in the house. I was a close and resolute dissembler—in this one case
at least. My prayers, my tears, my wishes, fears, and lamentations, were
witnessed by myself and heaven alone.
When we are harassed by sorrows or anxieties, or long oppressed by any
powerful feelings which we must keep to ourselves, for which we can
obtain and seek no sympathy from any living creature, and which yet we
cannot, or will not wholly crush, we often naturally seek relief in
poetry—and often find it, too—whether in the effusions of others, which
seem to harmonize with our existing case, or in our own attempts to give
utterance to those thoughts and feelings in strains less musical,
perchance, but more appropriate, and therefore more penetrating and
sympathetic, and, for the time, more soothing, or more powerful to rouse
and to unburden the oppressed and swollen heart. Before this time, at
Wellwood House and here, when suffering from home-sick melancholy, I had
sought relief twice or thrice at this secret source of consolation; and
now I flew to it again, with greater avidity than ever, because I seemed
to need it more. I still preserve those relics of past sufferings and
experience, like pillars of witness set up in travelling through the vale
of life, to mark particular occurrences. The footsteps are obliterated
now; the face of the country may be changed; but the pillar is still
there, to remind me how all things were when it was reared. Lest the
reader should be curious to see any of these effusions, I will favour him
with one short specimen: cold and languid as the lines may seem, it was
almost a passion of grief to which they owed their being:—
Oh, they have robbed me of the hope
My spirit held so dear;
They will not let me hear that voice
My soul delights to hear.
They will not let me see that face
I so delight to see;
And they have taken all thy smiles,
And all thy love from me.
Well, let them seize on all they can;—
One treasure still is mine,—
A heart that loves to think on thee,
And feels the worth of thine.
Yes, at least, they could not deprive me of that: I could think of him
day and night; and I could feel that he was worthy to be thought of.
Nobody knew him as I did; nobody could appreciate him as I did; nobody
could love him as I—could, if I might: but there was the evil. What
business had I to think so much of one that never thought of me? Was it
not foolish? was it not wrong? Yet, if I found such deep delight in
thinking of him, and if I kept those thoughts to myself, and troubled no
one else with them, where was the harm of it? I would ask myself. And
such reasoning prevented me from making any sufficient effort to shake
off my fetters.
But, if those thoughts brought delight, it was a painful, troubled
pleasure, too near akin to anguish; and one that did me more injury than
I was aware of. It was an indulgence that a person of more wisdom or
more experience would doubtless have denied herself. And yet, how dreary
to turn my eyes from the contemplation of that bright object and force
them to dwell on the dull, grey, desolate prospect around: the joyless,
hopeless, solitary path that lay before me. It was wrong to be so
joyless, so desponding; I should have made God my friend, and to do His
will the pleasure and the business of my life; but faith was weak, and
passion was too strong.
In this time of trouble I had two other causes of affliction. The first
may seem a trifle, but it cost me many a tear: Snap, my little dumb,
rough-visaged, but bright-eyed, warm-hearted companion, the only thing I
had to love me, was taken away, and delivered over to the tender mercies
of the village rat-catcher, a man notorious for his brutal treatment of
his canine slaves. The other was serious enough; my letters from home
gave intimation that my father’s health was worse. No boding fears were
expressed, but I was grown timid and despondent, and could not help
fearing that some dreadful calamity awaited us there. I seemed to see
the black clouds gathering round my native hills, and to hear the angry
muttering of a storm that was about to burst, and desolate our hearth.
CHAPTER XVIII—MIRTH AND MOURNING
The 1st of June arrived at last: and Rosalie Murray was transmuted into
Lady Ashby. Most splendidly beautiful she looked in her bridal costume.
Upon her return from church, after the ceremony, she came flying into the
schoolroom, flushed with excitement, and laughing, half in mirth, and
half in reckless desperation, as it seemed to me.
‘Now, Miss Grey, I’m Lady Ashby!’ she exclaimed. ‘It’s done, my fate is
sealed: there’s no drawing back now. I’m come to receive your
congratulations and bid you good-by; and then I’m off for Paris, Rome,
Naples, Switzerland, London—oh, dear! what a deal I shall see and hear
before I come back again. But don’t forget me: I shan’t forget you,
though I’ve been a naughty girl. Come, why don’t you congratulate me?’
‘I cannot congratulate you,’ I replied, ‘till I know whether this change
is really for the better: but I sincerely hope it is; and I wish you true
happiness and the best of blessings.’
‘Well, good-by, the carriage is waiting, and they’re calling me.’
She gave me a hasty kiss, and was hurrying away; but, suddenly returning,
embraced me with more affection than I thought her capable of evincing,
and departed with tears in her eyes. Poor girl! I really loved her
then; and forgave her from my heart all the injury she had done me—and
others also: she had not half known it, I was sure; and I prayed God to
pardon her too.
During the remainder of that day of festal sadness, I was left to my own
devices. Being too much unhinged for any steady occupation, I wandered
about with a book in my hand for several hours, more thinking than
reading, for I had many things to think about. In the evening, I made
use of my liberty to go and see my old friend Nancy once again; to
apologize for my long absence (which must have seemed so neglectful and
unkind) by telling her how busy I had been; and to talk, or read, or work
for her, whichever might be most acceptable, and also, of course, to tell
her the news of this important day: and perhaps to obtain a little
information from her in return, respecting Mr. Weston’s expected
departure. But of this she seemed to know nothing, and I hoped, as she
did, that it was all a false report. She was very glad to see me; but,
happily, her eyes were now so nearly well that she was almost independent
of my services. She was deeply interested in the wedding; but while I
amused her with the details of the festive day, the splendours of the
bridal party and of the bride herself, she often sighed and shook her
head, and wished good might come of it; she seemed, like me, to regard it
rather as a theme for sorrow than rejoicing. I sat a long time talking
to her about that and other things—but no one came.
Shall I confess that I sometimes looked towards the door with a
half-expectant wish to see it open and give entrance to Mr. Weston, as
had happened once before? and that, returning through the lanes and
fields, I often paused to look round me, and walked more slowly than was
at all necessary—for, though a fine evening, it was not a hot one—and,
finally, felt a sense of emptiness and disappointment at having reached
the house without meeting or even catching a distant glimpse of any one,
except a few labourers returning from their work?
Sunday, however, was approaching: I should see him then: for now that
Miss Murray was gone, I could have my old corner again. I should see
him, and by look, speech, and manner, I might judge whether the
circumstance of her marriage had very much afflicted him. Happily I
could perceive no shadow of a difference: he wore the same aspect as he
had worn two months ago—voice, look, manner, all alike unchanged: there
was the same keen-sighted, unclouded truthfulness in his discourse, the
same forcible clearness in his style, the same earnest simplicity in all
he said and did, that made itself, not marked by the eye and ear, but
felt upon the hearts of his audience.
I walked home with Miss Matilda; but _he did not join us_. Matilda was
now sadly at a loss for amusement, and wofully in want of a companion:
her brothers at school, her sister married and gone, she too young to be
admitted into society; for which, from Rosalie’s example, she was in some
degree beginning to acquire a taste—a taste at least for the company of
certain classes of gentlemen; at this dull time of year—no hunting going
on, no shooting even—for, though she might not join in that, it was
_something_ to see her father or the gamekeeper go out with the dogs, and
to talk with them on their return, about the different birds they had
bagged. Now, also, she was denied the solace which the companionship of
the coachman, grooms, horses, greyhounds, and pointers might have
afforded; for her mother having, notwithstanding the disadvantages of a
country life, so satisfactorily disposed of her elder daughter, the pride
of her heart had begun seriously to turn her attention to the younger;
and, being truly alarmed at the roughness of her manners, and thinking it
high time to work a reform, had been roused at length to exert her
authority, and prohibited entirely the yards, stables, kennels, and
coach-house. Of course, she was not implicitly obeyed; but, indulgent as
she had hitherto been, when once her spirit was roused, her temper was
not so gentle as she required that of her governesses to be, and her will
was not to be thwarted with impunity. After many a scene of contention
between mother and daughter, many a violent outbreak which I was ashamed
to witness, in which the father’s authority was often called in to
confirm with oaths and threats the mother’s slighted prohibitions—for
even _he_ could see that ‘Tilly, though she would have made a fine lad,
was not quite what a young lady ought to be’—Matilda at length found that
her easiest plan was to keep clear of the forbidden regions; unless she
could now and then steal a visit without her watchful mother’s knowledge.
Amid all this, let it not be imagined that I escaped without many a
reprimand, and many an implied reproach, that lost none of its sting from
not being openly worded; but rather wounded the more deeply, because,
from that very reason, it seemed to preclude self-defence. Frequently, I
was told to amuse Miss Matilda with other things, and to remind her of
her mother’s precepts and prohibitions. I did so to the best of my
power: but she would not be amused against her will, and could not
against her taste; and though I went beyond mere reminding, such gentle
remonstrances as I could use were utterly ineffectual.
‘_Dear_ Miss Grey! it is the _strangest_ thing. I suppose you can’t help
it, if it’s not in your nature—but I _wonder_ you can’t win the
confidence of that girl, and make your society at _least_ as agreeable to
her as that of Robert or Joseph!’
‘They can talk the best about the things in which she is most
interested,’ I replied.
‘Well! that is a strange confession, _however_, to come from her
_governess_! Who is to form a young lady’s tastes, I wonder, if the
governess doesn’t do it? I have known governesses who have so completely
identified themselves with the reputation of their young ladies for
elegance and propriety in mind and manners, that they would blush to
speak a word against them; and to hear the slightest blame imputed to
their pupils was worse than to be censured in their own persons—and I
really think it very natural, for my part.’
‘Do you, ma’am?’
‘Yes, of course: the young lady’s proficiency and elegance is of more
consequence to the governess than her own, as well as to the world. If
she wishes to prosper in her vocation she must devote all her energies to
her business: all her ideas and all her ambition will tend to the
accomplishment of that one object. When we wish to decide upon the
merits of a governess, we naturally look at the young ladies she
professes to have educated, and judge accordingly. The _judicious_
governess knows this: she knows that, while she lives in obscurity
herself, her pupils’ virtues and defects will be open to every eye; and
that, unless she loses sight of herself in their cultivation, she need
not hope for success. You see, Miss Grey, it is just the same as any
other trade or profession: they that wish to prosper must devote
themselves body and soul to their calling; and if they begin to yield to
indolence or self-indulgence they are speedily distanced by wiser
competitors: there is little to choose between a person that ruins her
pupils by neglect, and one that corrupts them by her example. You will
excuse my dropping these little hints: you know it is all for your own
good. Many ladies would speak to you much more strongly; and many would
not trouble themselves to speak at all, but quietly look out for a
substitute. That, of course, would be the _easiest_ plan: but I know the
advantages of a place like this to a person in your situation; and I have
no desire to part with you, as I am sure you would do very well if you
will only think of these things and try to exert yourself a _little_
more: then, I am convinced, you would _soon_ acquire that delicate tact
which alone is wanting to give you a proper influence over the mind of
your pupil.’
I was about to give the lady some idea of the fallacy of her
expectations; but she sailed away as soon as she had concluded her
speech. Having said what she wished, it was no part of her plan to await
my answer: it was my business to hear, and not to speak.
However, as I have said, Matilda at length yielded in some degree to her
mother’s authority (pity it had not been exerted before); and being thus
deprived of almost every source of amusement, there was nothing for it
but to take long rides with the groom and long walks with the governess,
and to visit the cottages and farmhouses on her father’s estate, to kill
time in chatting with the old men and women that inhabited them. In one
of these walks, it was our chance to meet Mr. Weston. This was what I
had long desired; but now, for a moment, I wished either he or I were
away: I felt my heart throb so violently that I dreaded lest some outward
signs of emotion should appear; but I think he hardly glanced at me, and
I was soon calm enough. After a brief salutation to both, he asked
Matilda if she had lately heard from her sister.
‘Yes,’ replied she. ‘She was at Paris when she wrote, and very well, and
very happy.’
She spoke the last word emphatically, and with a glance impertinently
sly. He did not seem to notice it, but replied, with equal emphasis, and
very seriously—
‘I hope she will continue to be so.’
‘Do you think it likely?’ I ventured to inquire: for Matilda had started
off in pursuit of her dog, that was chasing a leveret.
‘I cannot tell,’ replied he. ‘Sir Thomas may be a better man than I
suppose; but, from all I have heard and seen, it seems a pity that one so
young and gay, and—and interesting, to express many things by one
word—whose greatest, if not her only fault, appears to be
thoughtlessness—no trifling fault to be sure, since it renders the
possessor liable to almost every other, and exposes him to so many
temptations—but it seems a pity that she should be thrown away on such a
man. It was her mother’s wish, I suppose?’
‘Yes; and her own too, I think, for she always laughed at my attempts to
dissuade her from the step.’
‘You did attempt it? Then, at least, you will have the satisfaction of
knowing that it is no fault of yours, if any harm should come of it. As
for Mrs. Murray, I don’t know how she can justify her conduct: if I had
sufficient acquaintance with her, I’d ask her.’
‘It seems unnatural: but some people think rank and wealth the chief
good; and, if they can secure that for their children, they think they
have done their duty.’
‘True: but is it not strange that persons of experience, who have been
married themselves, should judge so falsely?’ Matilda now came panting
back, with the lacerated body of the young hare in her hand.
‘Was it your intention to kill that hare, or to save it, Miss Murray?’
asked Mr. Weston, apparently puzzled at her gleeful countenance.
‘I pretended to want to save it,’ she answered, honestly enough, ‘as it
was so glaringly out of season; but I was better pleased to see it
lolled. However, you can both witness that I couldn’t help it: Prince
was determined to have her; and he clutched her by the back, and killed
her in a minute! Wasn’t it a noble chase?’
‘Very! for a young lady after a leveret.’
There was a quiet sarcasm in the tone of his reply which was not lost
upon her; she shrugged her shoulders, and, turning away with a
significant ‘Humph!’ asked me how I had enjoyed the fun. I replied that
I saw no fun in the matter; but admitted that I had not observed the
transaction very narrowly.
‘Didn’t you see how it doubled—just like an old hare? and didn’t you hear
it scream?’
‘I’m happy to say I did not.’
‘It cried out just like a child.’
‘Poor little thing! What will you do with it?’
‘Come along—I shall leave it in the first house we come to. I don’t want
to take it home, for fear papa should scold me for letting the dog kill
it.’
Mr. Weston was now gone, and we too went on our way; but as we returned,
after having deposited the hare in a farm-house, and demolished some
spice-cake and currant-wine in exchange, we met him returning also from
the execution of his mission, whatever it might be. He carried in his
hand a cluster of beautiful bluebells, which he offered to me; observing,
with a smile, that though he had seen so little of me for the last two
months, he had not forgotten that bluebells were numbered among my
favourite flowers. It was done as a simple act of goodwill, without
compliment or remarkable courtesy, or any look that could be construed
into ‘reverential, tender adoration’ (_vide_ Rosalie Murray); but still,
it was something to find my unimportant saying so well remembered: it was
something that he had noticed so accurately the time I had ceased to be
visible.
‘I was told,’ said he, ‘that you were a perfect bookworm, Miss Grey: so
completely absorbed in your studies that you were lost to every other
pleasure.’
‘Yes, and it’s quite true!’ cried Matilda.
‘No, Mr. Weston: don’t believe it: it’s a scandalous libel. These young
ladies are too fond of making random assertions at the expense of their
friends; and you ought to be careful how you listen to them.’
‘I hope _this_ assertion is groundless, at any rate.’
‘Why? Do you particularly object to ladies studying?’
‘No; but I object to anyone so devoting himself or herself to study, as
to lose sight of everything else. Except under peculiar circumstances, I
consider very close and constant study as a waste of time, and an injury
to the mind as well as the body.’
‘Well, I have neither the time nor the inclination for such
transgressions.’
We parted again.
Well! what is there remarkable in all this? Why have I recorded it?
Because, reader, it was important enough to give me a cheerful evening, a
night of pleasing dreams, and a morning of felicitous hopes.
Shallow-brained cheerfulness, foolish dreams, unfounded hopes, you would
say; and I will not venture to deny it: suspicions to that effect arose
too frequently in my own mind. But our wishes are like tinder: the flint
and steel of circumstances are continually striking out sparks, which
vanish immediately, unless they chance to fall upon the tinder of our
wishes; then, they instantly ignite, and the flame of hope is kindled in
a moment.
But alas! that very morning, my flickering flame of hope was dismally
quenched by a letter from my mother, which spoke so seriously of my
father’s increasing illness, that I feared there was little or no chance
of his recovery; and, close at hand as the holidays were, I almost
trembled lest they should come too late for me to meet him in this world.
Two days after, a letter from Mary told me his life was despaired of, and
his end seemed fast approaching. Then, immediately, I sought permission
to anticipate the vacation, and go without delay. Mrs. Murray stared,
and wondered at the unwonted energy and boldness with which I urged the
request, and thought there was no occasion to hurry; but finally gave me
leave: stating, however, that there was ‘no need to be in such agitation
about the matter—it might prove a false alarm after all; and if not—why,
it was only in the common course of nature: we must all die some time;
and I was not to suppose myself the only afflicted person in the world;’
and concluding with saying I might have the phaeton to take me to O---.
‘And instead of _repining_, Miss Grey, be thankful for the _privileges_
you enjoy. There’s many a poor clergyman whose family would be plunged
into ruin by the event of his death; but you, you see, have influential
friends ready to continue their patronage, and to show you every
consideration.’
I thanked her for her ‘consideration,’ and flew to my room to make some
hurried preparations for my departure. My bonnet and shawl being on, and
a few things hastily crammed into my largest trunk, I descended. But I
might have done the work more leisurely, for no one else was in a hurry;
and I had still a considerable time to wait for the phaeton. At length
it came to the door, and I was off: but, oh, what a dreary journey was
that! how utterly different from my former passages homewards! Being too
late for the last coach to ---, I had to hire a cab for ten miles, and
then a car to take me over the rugged hills.
It was half-past ten before I reached home. They were not in bed.
My mother and sister both met me in the passage—sad—silent—pale! I was
so much shocked and terror-stricken that I could not speak, to ask the
information I so much longed yet dreaded to obtain.
‘Agnes!’ said my mother, struggling to repress some strong emotion.
‘Oh, Agnes!’ cried Mary, and burst into tears.
‘How is he?’ I asked, gasping for the answer.
‘Dead!’
It was the reply I had anticipated: but the shock seemed none the less
tremendous.
CHAPTER XIX—THE LETTER
My father’s mortal remains had been consigned to the tomb; and we, with
sad faces and sombre garments, sat lingering over the frugal
breakfast-table, revolving plans for our future life. My mother’s strong
mind had not given way beneath even this affliction: her spirit, though
crushed, was not broken. Mary’s wish was that I should go back to Horton
Lodge, and that our mother should come and live with her and Mr.
Richardson at the vicarage: she affirmed that he wished it no less than
herself, and that such an arrangement could not fail to benefit all
parties; for my mother’s society and experience would be of inestimable
value to them, and they would do all they could to make her happy. But
no arguments or entreaties could prevail: my mother was determined not to
go. Not that she questioned, for a moment, the kind wishes and
intentions of her daughter; but she affirmed that so long as God spared
her health and strength, she would make use of them to earn her own
livelihood, and be chargeable to no one; whether her dependence would be
felt as a burden or not. If she could afford to reside as a lodger
in—vicarage, she would choose that house before all others as the place
of her abode; but not being so circumstanced, she would never come under
its roof, except as an occasional visitor: unless sickness or calamity
should render her assistance really needful, or until age or infirmity
made her incapable of maintaining herself.
‘No, Mary,’ said she, ‘if Richardson and you have anything to spare, you
must lay it aside for your family; and Agnes and I must gather honey for
ourselves. Thanks to my having had daughters to educate, I have not
forgotten my accomplishments. God willing, I will check this vain
repining,’ she said, while the tears coursed one another down her cheeks
in spite of her efforts; but she wiped them away, and resolutely shaking
back her head, continued, ‘I will exert myself, and look out for a small
house, commodiously situated in some populous but healthy district, where
we will take a few young ladies to board and educate—if we can get
them—and as many day pupils as will come, or as we can manage to
instruct. Your father’s relations and old friends will be able to send
us some pupils, or to assist us with their recommendations, no doubt: I
shall not apply to my own. What say you to it, Agnes? will you be
willing to leave your present situation and try?’
‘Quite willing, mamma; and the money I have saved will do to furnish the
house. It shall be taken from the bank directly.’
‘When it is wanted: we must get the house, and settle on preliminaries
first.’
Mary offered to lend the little she possessed; but my mother declined it,
saying that we must begin on an economical plan; and she hoped that the
whole or part of mine, added to what we could get by the sale of the
furniture, and what little our dear papa had contrived to lay aside for
her since the debts were paid, would be sufficient to last us till
Christmas; when, it was hoped, something would accrue from our united
labours. It was finally settled that this should be our plan; and that
inquiries and preparations should immediately be set on foot; and while
my mother busied herself with these, I should return to Horton Lodge at
the close of my four weeks’ vacation, and give notice for my final
departure when things were in train for the speedy commencement of our
school.
We were discussing these affairs on the morning I have mentioned, about a
fortnight after my father’s death, when a letter was brought in for my
mother, on beholding which the colour mounted to her face—lately pale
enough with anxious watchings and excessive sorrow. ‘From my father!’
murmured she, as she hastily tore off the cover. It was many years since
she had heard from any of her own relations before. Naturally wondering
what the letter might contain, I watched her countenance while she read
it, and was somewhat surprised to see her bite her lip and knit her brows
as if in anger. When she had done, she somewhat irreverently cast it on
the table, saying with a scornful smile,—‘Your grandpapa has been so kind
as to write to me. He says he has no doubt I have long repented of my
“unfortunate marriage,” and if I will only acknowledge this, and confess
I was wrong in neglecting his advice, and that I have justly suffered for
it, he will make a lady of me once again—if that be possible after my
long degradation—and remember my girls in his will. Get my desk, Agnes,
and send these things away: I will answer the letter directly. But
first, as I may be depriving you both of a legacy, it is just that I
should tell you what I mean to say. I shall say that he is mistaken in
supposing that I can regret the birth of my daughters (who have been the
pride of my life, and are likely to be the comfort of my old age), or the
thirty years I have passed in the company of my best and dearest
friend;—that, had our misfortunes been three times as great as they were
(unless they had been of my bringing on), I should still the more rejoice
to have shared them with your father, and administered what consolation I
was able; and, had his sufferings in illness been ten times what they
wore, I could not regret having watched over and laboured to relieve
them;—that, if he had married a richer wife, misfortunes and trials would
no doubt have come upon him still; while I am egotist enough to imagine
that no other woman could have cheered him through them so well: not that
I am superior to the rest, but I was made for him, and he for me; and I
can no more repent the hours, days, years of happiness we have spent
together, and which neither could have had without the other, than I can
the privilege of having been his nurse in sickness, and his comfort in
affliction.
‘Will this do, children?—or shall I say we are all very sorry for what
has happened during the last thirty years, and my daughters wish they had
never been born; but since they have had that misfortune, they will be
thankful for any trifle their grandpapa will be kind enough to bestow?’
Of course, we both applauded our mother’s resolution; Mary cleared away
the breakfast things; I brought the desk; the letter was quickly written
and despatched; and, from that day, we heard no more of our grandfather,
till we saw his death announced in the newspaper a considerable time
after—all his worldly possessions, of course, being left to our wealthy
unknown cousins.
CHAPTER XX—THE FAREWELL
A house in A---, the fashionable watering-place, was hired for our
seminary; and a promise of two or three pupils was obtained to commence
with. I returned to Horton Lodge about the middle of July, leaving my
mother to conclude the bargain for the house, to obtain more pupils, to
sell off the furniture of our old abode, and to fit out the new one.
We often pity the poor, because they have no leisure to mourn their
departed relatives, and necessity obliges them to labour through their
severest afflictions: but is not active employment the best remedy for
overwhelming sorrow—the surest antidote for despair? It may be a rough
comforter: it may seem hard to be harassed with the cares of life when we
have no relish for its enjoyments; to be goaded to labour when the heart
is ready to break, and the vexed spirit implores for rest only to weep in
silence: but is not labour better than the rest we covet? and are not
those petty, tormenting cares less hurtful than a continual brooding over
the great affliction that oppresses us? Besides, we cannot have cares,
and anxieties, and toil, without hope—if it be but the hope of fulfilling
our joyless task, accomplishing some needful project, or escaping some
further annoyance. At any rate, I was glad my mother had so much
employment for every faculty of her action-loving frame. Our kind
neighbours lamented that she, once so exalted in wealth and station,
should be reduced to such extremity in her time of sorrow; but I am
persuaded that she would have suffered thrice as much had she been left
in affluence, with liberty to remain in that house, the scene of her
early happiness and late affliction, and no stern necessity to prevent
her from incessantly brooding over and lamenting her bereavement.
I will not dilate upon the feelings with which I left the old house, the
well-known garden, the little village church—then doubly dear to me,
because my father, who, for thirty years, had taught and prayed within
its walls, lay slumbering now beneath its flags—and the old bare hills,
delightful in their very desolation, with the narrow vales between,
smiling in green wood and sparkling water—the house where I was born, the
scene of all my early associations, the place where throughout life my
earthly affections had been centred;—and left them to return no more!
True, I was going back to Horton Lodge, where, amid many evils, one
source of pleasure yet remained: but it was pleasure mingled with
excessive pain; and my stay, alas! was limited to six weeks. And even of
that precious time, day after day slipped by and I did not see him:
except at church, I never saw him for a fortnight after my return. It
seemed a long time to me: and, as I was often out with my rambling pupil,
of course hopes would keep rising, and disappointments would ensue; and
then, I would say to my own heart, ‘Here is a convincing proof—if you
would but have the sense to see it, or the candour to acknowledge it—that
he does not care for you. If he only thought _half_ as much about you as
you do about him, he would have contrived to meet you many times ere
this: you must know that, by consulting your own feelings. Therefore,
have done with this nonsense: you have no ground for hope: dismiss, at
once, these hurtful thoughts and foolish wishes from your mind, and turn
to your own duty, and the dull blank life that lies before you. You
might have known such happiness was not for you.’
But I saw him at last. He came suddenly upon me as I was crossing a
field in returning from a visit to Nancy Brown, which I had taken the
opportunity of paying while Matilda Murray was riding her matchless mare.
He must have heard of the heavy loss I had sustained: he expressed no
sympathy, offered no condolence: but almost the first words he uttered
were,—‘How is your mother?’ And this was no matter-of-course question,
for I never told him that I had a mother: he must have learned the fact
from others, if he knew it at all; and, besides, there was sincere
goodwill, and even deep, touching, unobtrusive sympathy in the tone and
manner of the inquiry. I thanked him with due civility, and told him she
was as well as could be expected. ‘What will she do?’ was the next
question. Many would have deemed it an impertinent one, and given an
evasive reply; but such an idea never entered my head, and I gave a brief
but plain statement of my mother’s plans and prospects.
‘Then you will leave this place shortly?’ said he.
‘Yes, in a month.’
He paused a minute, as if in thought. When he spoke again, I hoped it
would be to express his concern at my departure; but it was only to
say,—‘I should think you will be willing enough to go?’
‘Yes—for some things,’ I replied.
‘For _some_ things only—I wonder what should make you regret it?’
I was annoyed at this in some degree; because it embarrassed me: I had
only one reason for regretting it; and that was a profound secret, which
he had no business to trouble me about.
‘Why,’ said I—‘why should you suppose that I dislike the place?’
‘You told me so yourself,’ was the decisive reply. ‘You said, at least,
that you could not live contentedly, without a friend; and that you had
no friend here, and no possibility of making one—and, besides, I know you
_must_ dislike it.’
‘But if you remember rightly, I said, or meant to say, I could not live
contentedly without a friend in the world: I was not so unreasonable as
to require one always near me. I think I could be happy in a house full
of enemies, if—’ but no; that sentence must not be continued—I paused,
and hastily added,—‘And, besides, we cannot well leave a place where we
have lived for two or three years, without some feeling of regret.’
‘Will you regret to part with Miss Murray, your sole remaining pupil and
companion?’
‘I dare say I shall in some degree: it was not without sorrow I parted
with her sister.’
‘I can imagine that.’
‘Well, Miss Matilda is quite as good—better in one respect.’
‘What is that?’
‘She’s honest.’
‘And the other is not?’
‘I should not call her _dis_honest; but it must be confessed she’s a
little artful.’
‘_Artful_ is she?—I saw she was giddy and vain—and now,’ he added, after
a pause, ‘I can well believe she was artful too; but so excessively so as
to assume an aspect of extreme simplicity and unguarded openness. Yes,’
continued he, musingly, ‘that accounts for some little things that
puzzled me a trifle before.’
After that, he turned the conversation to more general subjects. He did
not leave me till we had nearly reached the park-gates: he had certainly
stepped a little out of his way to accompany me so far, for he now went
back and disappeared down Moss Lane, the entrance of which we had passed
some time before. Assuredly I did not regret this circumstance: if
sorrow had any place in my heart, it was that he was gone at last—that he
was no longer walking by my side, and that that short interval of
delightful intercourse was at an end. He had not breathed a word of
love, or dropped one hint of tenderness or affection, and yet I had been
supremely happy. To be near him, to hear him talk as he did talk, and to
feel that he thought me worthy to be so spoken to—capable of
understanding and duly appreciating such discourse—was enough.
‘Yes, Edward Weston, I could indeed be happy in a house full of enemies,
if I had but one friend, who truly, deeply, and faithfully loved me; and
if that friend were you—though we might be far apart—seldom to hear from
each other, still more seldom to meet—though toil, and trouble, and
vexation might surround me, still—it would be too much happiness for me
to dream of! Yet who can tell,’ said I within myself, as I proceeded up
the park,—‘who can tell what this one month may bring forth? I have
lived nearly three-and-twenty years, and I have suffered much, and tasted
little pleasure yet; is it likely my life all through will be so clouded?
Is it not possible that God may hear my prayers, disperse these gloomy
shadows, and grant me some beams of heaven’s sunshine yet? Will He
entirely deny to me those blessings which are so freely given to others,
who neither ask them nor acknowledge them when received? May I not still
hope and trust? I did hope and trust for a while: but, alas, alas! the
time ebbed away: one week followed another, and, excepting one distant
glimpse and two transient meetings—during which scarcely anything was
said—while I was walking with Miss Matilda, I saw nothing of him: except,
of course, at church.
And now, the last Sunday was come, and the last service. I was often on
the point of melting into tears during the sermon—the last I was to hear
from him: the best I should hear from anyone, I was well assured. It was
over—the congregation were departing; and I must follow. I had then seen
him, and heard his voice, too, probably for the last time. In the
churchyard, Matilda was pounced upon by the two Misses Green. They had
many inquiries to make about her sister, and I know not what besides. I
only wished they would have done, that we might hasten back to Horton
Lodge: I longed to seek the retirement of my own room, or some
sequestered nook in the grounds, that I might deliver myself up to my
feelings—to weep my last farewell, and lament my false hopes and vain
delusions. Only this once, and then adieu to fruitless
dreaming—thenceforth, only sober, solid, sad reality should occupy my
mind. But while I thus resolved, a low voice close beside me said—‘I
suppose you are going this week, Miss Grey?’ ‘Yes,’ I replied. I was
very much startled; and had I been at all hysterically inclined, I
certainly should have committed myself in some way then. Thank God, I
was not.
‘Well,’ said Mr. Weston, ‘I want to bid you good-bye—it is not likely I
shall see you again before you go.’
‘Good-bye, Mr. Weston,’ I said. Oh, how I struggled to say it calmly! I
gave him my hand. He retained it a few seconds in his.
‘It is possible we may meet again,’ said he; ‘will it be of any
consequence to you whether we do or not?’
‘Yes, I should be very glad to see you again.’
I _could_ say no less. He kindly pressed my hand, and went. Now, I was
happy again—though more inclined to burst into tears than ever. If I had
been forced to speak at that moment, a succession of sobs would have
inevitably ensued; and as it was, I could not keep the water out of my
eyes. I walked along with Miss Murray, turning aside my face, and
neglecting to notice several successive remarks, till she bawled out that
I was either deaf or stupid; and then (having recovered my
self-possession), as one awakened from a fit of abstraction, I suddenly
looked up and asked what she had been saying.
CHAPTER XXI—THE SCHOOL
I left Horton Lodge, and went to join my mother in our new abode at A---.
I found her well in health, resigned in spirit, and even cheerful, though
subdued and sober, in her general demeanour. We had only three boarders
and half a dozen day-pupils to commence with; but by due care and
diligence we hoped ere long to increase the number of both.
I set myself with befitting energy to discharge the duties of this new
mode of life. I call it _new_, for there was, indeed, a considerable
difference between working with my mother in a school of our own, and
working as a hireling among strangers, despised and trampled upon by old
and young; and for the first few weeks I was by no means unhappy. ‘It is
possible we may meet again,’ and ‘will it be of any consequence to you
whether we do or not?’—Those words still rang in my ear and rested on my
heart: they were my secret solace and support. ‘I shall see him
again.—He will come; or he will write.’ No promise, in fact, was too
bright or too extravagant for Hope to whisper in my ear. I did not
believe half of what she told me: I pretended to laugh at it all; but I
was far more credulous than I myself supposed; otherwise, why did my
heart leap up when a knock was heard at the front door, and the maid, who
opened it, came to tell my mother a gentleman wished to see her? and why
was I out of humour for the rest of the day, because it proved to be a
music-master come to offer his services to our school? and what stopped
my breath for a moment, when the postman having brought a couple of
letters, my mother said, ‘Here, Agnes, this is for you,’ and threw one of
them to me? and what made the hot blood rush into my face when I saw it
was directed in a gentleman’s hand? and why—oh! why did that cold,
sickening sense of disappointment fall upon me, when I had torn open the
cover and found it was _only_ a letter from Mary, which, for some reason
or other, her husband had directed for her?
Was it then come to this—that I should be _disappointed_ to receive a
letter from my only sister: and because it was not written by a
comparative stranger? Dear Mary! and she had written it so kindly—and
thinking I should be so pleased to have it!—I was not worthy to read it!
And I believe, in my indignation against myself, I should have put it
aside till I had schooled myself into a better frame of mind, and was
become more deserving of the honour and privilege of its perusal: but
there was my mother looking on, and wishful to know what news it
contained; so I read it and delivered it to her, and then went into the
schoolroom to attend to the pupils: but amidst the cares of copies and
sums—in the intervals of correcting errors here, and reproving
derelictions of duty there, I was inwardly taking myself to task with far
sterner severity. ‘What a fool you must be,’ said my head to my heart,
or my sterner to my softer self;—‘how could you ever dream that he would
write to you? What grounds have you for such a hope—or that he will see
you, or give himself any trouble about you—or even think of you again?’
‘What grounds?’—and then Hope set before me that last, short interview,
and repeated the words I had so faithfully treasured in my memory.
‘Well, and what was there in that?—Who ever hung his hopes upon so frail
a twig? What was there in those words that any common acquaintance might
not say to another? Of course, it was possible you might meet again: he
might have said so if you had been going to New Zealand; but that did not
imply any _intention_ of seeing you—and then, as to the question that
followed, anyone might ask that: and how did you answer?—Merely with a
stupid, commonplace reply, such as you would have given to Master Murray,
or anyone else you had been on tolerably civil terms with.’ ‘But, then,’
persisted Hope, ‘the tone and manner in which he spoke.’ ‘Oh, that is
nonsense! he always speaks impressively; and at that moment there were
the Greens and Miss Matilda Murray just before, and other people passing
by, and he was obliged to stand close beside you, and to speak very low,
unless he wished everybody to hear what he said, which—though it was
nothing at all particular—of course, he would rather not.’ But then,
above all, that emphatic, yet gentle pressure of the hand, which seemed
to say, ‘_Trust_ me;’ and many other things besides—too delightful,
almost too flattering, to be repeated even to one’s self. ‘Egregious
folly—too absurd to require contradiction—mere inventions of the
imagination, which you ought to be ashamed of. If you would but consider
your own unattractive exterior, your unamiable reserve, your foolish
diffidence—which must make you appear cold, dull, awkward, and perhaps
ill-tempered too;—if you had but rightly considered these from the
beginning, you would never have harboured such presumptuous thoughts: and
now that you have been so foolish, pray repent and amend, and let us have
no more of it!’
I cannot say that I implicitly obeyed my own injunctions: but such
reasoning as this became more and more effective as time wore on, and
nothing was seen or heard of Mr. Weston; until, at last, I gave up
hoping, for even my heart acknowledged it was all in vain. But still, I
would think of him: I would cherish his image in my mind; and treasure
every word, look, and gesture that my memory could retain; and brood over
his excellences and his peculiarities, and, in fact, all I had seen,
heard, or imagined respecting him.
‘Agnes, this sea air and change of scene do you no good, I think: I never
saw you look so wretched. It must be that you sit too much, and allow
the cares of the schoolroom to worry you. You must learn to take things
easy, and to be more active and cheerful; you must take exercise whenever
you can get it, and leave the most tiresome duties to me: they will only
serve to exercise my patience, and, perhaps, try my temper a little.’
So said my mother, as we sat at work one morning during the Easter
holidays. I assured her that my employments were not at all oppressive;
that I was well; or, if there was anything amiss, it would be gone as
soon as the trying months of spring were over: when summer came I should
be as strong and hearty as she could wish to see me: but inwardly her
observation startled me. I knew my strength was declining, my appetite
had failed, and I was grown listless and desponding;—and if, indeed, he
could never care for me, and I could never see him more—if I was
forbidden to minister to his happiness—forbidden, for ever, to taste the
joys of love, to bless, and to be blessed—then, life must be a burden,
and if my heavenly Father would call me away, I should be glad to rest.
But it would not do to die and leave my mother. Selfish, unworthy
daughter, to forget her for a moment! Was not her happiness committed in
a great measure to my charge?—and the welfare of our young pupils too?
Should I shrink from the work that God had set before me, because it was
not fitted to my taste? Did not He know best what I should do, and where
I ought to labour?—and should I long to quit His service before I had
finished my task, and expect to enter into His rest without having
laboured to earn it? ‘No; by His help I will arise and address myself
diligently to my appointed duty. If happiness in this world is not for
me, I will endeavour to promote the welfare of those around me, and my
reward shall be hereafter.’ So said I in my heart; and from that hour I
only permitted my thoughts to wander to Edward Weston—or at least to
dwell upon him now and then—as a treat for rare occasions: and, whether
it was really the approach of summer or the effect of these good
resolutions, or the lapse of time, or all together, tranquillity of mind
was soon restored; and bodily health and vigour began likewise, slowly,
but surely, to return.
Early in June, I received a letter from Lady Ashby, late Miss Murray.
She had written to me twice or thrice before, from the different stages
of her bridal tour, always in good spirits, and professing to be very
happy. I wondered every time that she had not forgotten me, in the midst
of so much gaiety and variety of scene. At length, however, there was a
pause; and it seemed she had forgotten me, for upwards of seven months
passed away and no letter. Of course, I did not break my heart about
_that_, though I often wondered how she was getting on; and when this
last epistle so unexpectedly arrived, I was glad enough to receive it.
It was dated from Ashby Park, where she was come to settle down at last,
having previously divided her time between the continent and the
metropolis. She made many apologies for having neglected me so long,
assured me she had not forgotten me, and had often intended to write, &c.
&c., but had always been prevented by something. She acknowledged that
she had been leading a very dissipated life, and I should think her very
wicked and very thoughtless; but, notwithstanding that, she thought a
great deal, and, among other things, that she should vastly like to see
me. ‘We have been several days here already,’ wrote she. ‘We have not a
single friend with us, and are likely to be very dull. You know I never
had a fancy for living with my husband like two turtles in a nest, were
he the most delightful creature that ever wore a coat; so do take pity
upon me and come. I suppose your Midsummer holidays commence in June,
the same as other people’s; therefore you cannot plead want of time; and
you must and shall come—in fact, I shall die if you don’t. I want you to
visit me as a friend, and stay a long time. There is nobody with me, as
I told you before, but Sir Thomas and old Lady Ashby: but you needn’t
mind them—they’ll trouble us but little with their company. And you
shall have a room to yourself, whenever you like to retire to it, and
plenty of books to read when my company is not sufficiently amusing. I
forget whether you like babies; if you do, you may have the pleasure of
seeing mine—the most charming child in the world, no doubt; and all the
more so, that I am not troubled with nursing it—I was determined I
wouldn’t be bothered with that. Unfortunately, it is a girl, and Sir
Thomas has never forgiven me: but, however, if you will only come, I
promise you shall be its governess as soon as it can speak; and you shall
bring it up in the way it should go, and make a better woman of it than
its mamma. And you shall see my poodle, too: a splendid little charmer
imported from Paris: and two fine Italian paintings of great value—I
forget the artist. Doubtless you will be able to discover prodigious
beauties in them, which you must point out to me, as I only admire by
hearsay; and many elegant curiosities besides, which I purchased at Rome
and elsewhere; and, finally, you shall see my new home—the splendid house
and grounds I used to covet so greatly. Alas! how far the promise of
anticipation exceeds the pleasure of possession! There’s a fine
sentiment! I assure you I am become quite a grave old matron: pray come,
if it be only to witness the wonderful change. Write by return of post,
and tell me when your vacation commences, and say that you will come the
day after, and stay till the day before it closes—in mercy to
‘Yours affectionately,
‘ROSALIE ASHBY.’
I showed this strange epistle to my mother, and consulted her on what I
ought to do. She advised me to go; and I went—willing enough to see Lady
Ashby, and her baby, too, and to do anything I could to benefit her, by
consolation or advice; for I imagined she must be unhappy, or she would
not have applied to me thus—but feeling, as may readily be conceived,
that, in accepting the invitation, I made a great sacrifice for her, and
did violence to my feelings in many ways, instead of being delighted with
the honourable distinction of being entreated by the baronet’s lady to
visit her as a friend. However, I determined my visit should be only for
a few days at most; and I will not deny that I derived some consolation
from the idea that, as Ashby Park was not very far from Horton, I might
possibly see Mr. Weston, or, at least, hear something about him.
CHAPTER XXII—THE VISIT
Ashby Park was certainly a very delightful residence. The mansion was
stately without, commodious and elegant within; the park was spacious and
beautiful, chiefly on account of its magnificent old trees, its stately
herds of deer, its broad sheet of water, and the ancient woods that
stretched beyond it: for there was no broken ground to give variety to
the landscape, and but very little of that undulating swell which adds so
greatly to the charm of park scenery. And so, this was the place Rosalie
Murray had so longed to call her own, that she must have a share of it,
on whatever terms it might be offered—whatever price was to be paid for
the title of mistress, and whoever was to be her partner in the honour
and bliss of such a possession! Well I am not disposed to censure her
now.
She received me very kindly; and, though I was a poor clergyman’s
daughter, a governess, and a schoolmistress, she welcomed me with
unaffected pleasure to her home; and—what surprised me rather—took some
pains to make my visit agreeable. I could see, it is true, that she
expected me to be greatly struck with the magnificence that surrounded
her; and, I confess, I was rather annoyed at her evident efforts to
reassure me, and prevent me from being overwhelmed by so much
grandeur—too much awed at the idea of encountering her husband and
mother-in-law, or too much ashamed of my own humble appearance. I was
not ashamed of it at all; for, though plain, I had taken good care not to
be shabby or mean, and should have been pretty considerably at my ease, if
my condescending hostess had not taken such manifest pains to make me so;
and, as for the magnificence that surrounded her, nothing that met my
eyes struck me or affected me half so much as her own altered appearance.
Whether from the influence of fashionable dissipation, or some other
evil, a space of little more than twelve months had had the effect that
might be expected from as many years, in reducing the plumpness of her
form, the freshness of her complexion, the vivacity of her movements, and
the exuberance of her spirits.
I wished to know if she was unhappy; but I felt it was not my province to
inquire: I might endeavour to win her confidence; but, if she chose to
conceal her matrimonial cares from me, I would trouble her with no
obtrusive questions. I, therefore, at first, confined myself to a few
general inquiries about her health and welfare, and a few commendations
on the beauty of the park, and of the little girl that should have been a
boy: a small delicate infant of seven or eight weeks old, whom its mother
seemed to regard with no remarkable degree of interest or affection,
though full as much as I expected her to show.
Shortly after my arrival, she commissioned her maid to conduct me to my
room and see that I had everything I wanted; it was a small,
unpretending, but sufficiently comfortable apartment. When I descended
thence—having divested myself of all travelling encumbrances, and
arranged my toilet with due consideration for the feelings of my lady
hostess, she conducted me herself to the room I was to occupy when I
chose to be alone, or when she was engaged with visitors, or obliged to
be with her mother-in-law, or otherwise prevented, as she said, from
enjoying the pleasure of my society. It was a quiet, tidy little
sitting-room; and I was not sorry to be provided with such a harbour of
refuge.
‘And some time,’ said she, ‘I will show you the library: I never examined
its shelves, but, I daresay, it is full of wise books; and you may go and
burrow among them whenever you please. And now you shall have some
tea—it will soon be dinner-time, but I thought, as you were accustomed to
dine at one, you would perhaps like better to have a cup of tea about
this time, and to dine when we lunch: and then, you know, you can have
your tea in this room, and that will save you from having to dine with
Lady Ashby and Sir Thomas: which would be rather awkward—at least, not
awkward, but rather—a—you know what I mean. I thought you mightn’t like
it so well—especially as we may have other ladies and gentlemen to dine
with us occasionally.’
‘Certainly,’ said I, ‘I would much rather have it as you say, and, if you
have no objection, I should prefer having all my meals in this room.’
‘Why so?’
‘Because, I imagine, it would be more agreeable to Lady Ashby and Sir
Thomas.’
‘Nothing of the kind.’
‘At any rate it would be more agreeable to me.’
She made some faint objections, but soon conceded; and I could see that
the proposal was a considerable relief to her.
‘Now, come into the drawing-room,’ said she. ‘There’s the dressing bell;
but I won’t go yet: it’s no use dressing when there’s no one to see you;
and I want to have a little discourse.’
The drawing-room was certainly an imposing apartment, and very elegantly
furnished; but I saw its young mistress glance towards me as we entered,
as if to notice how I was impressed by the spectacle, and accordingly I
determined to preserve an aspect of stony indifference, as if I saw
nothing at all remarkable. But this was only for a moment: immediately
conscience whispered, ‘Why should I disappoint her to save my pride?
No—rather let me sacrifice my pride to give her a little innocent
gratification.’ And I honestly looked round, and told her it was a noble
room, and very tastefully furnished. She said little, but I saw she was
pleased.
She showed me her fat French poodle, that lay curled up on a silk
cushion, and the two fine Italian paintings: which, however, she would
not give me time to examine, but, saying I must look at them some other
day, insisted upon my admiring the little jewelled watch she had
purchased in Geneva; and then she took me round the room to point out
sundry articles of _vertu_ she had brought from Italy: an elegant little
timepiece, and several busts, small graceful figures, and vases, all
beautifully carved in white marble. She spoke of these with animation,
and heard my admiring comments with a smile of pleasure: that soon,
however, vanished, and was followed by a melancholy sigh; as if in
consideration of the insufficiency of all such baubles to the happiness
of the human heart, and their woeful inability to supply its insatiate
demands.
Then, stretching herself upon a couch, she motioned me to a capacious
easy-chair that stood opposite—not before the fire, but before a wide
open window; for it was summer, be it remembered; a sweet, warm evening
in the latter half of June. I sat for a moment in silence, enjoying the
still, pure air, and the delightful prospect of the park that lay before
me, rich in verdure and foliage, and basking in yellow sunshine, relieved
by the long shadows of declining day. But I must take advantage of this
pause: I had inquiries to make, and, like the substance of a lady’s
postscript, the most important must come last. So I began with asking
after Mr. and Mrs. Murray, and Miss Matilda and the young gentlemen.
I was told that papa had the gout, which made him very ferocious; and
that he would not give up his choice wines, and his substantial dinners
and suppers, and had quarrelled with his physician, because the latter
had dared to say that no medicine could cure him while he lived so
freely; that mamma and the rest were well. Matilda was still wild and
reckless, but she had got a fashionable governess, and was considerably
improved in her manners, and soon to be introduced to the world; and John
and Charles (now at home for the holidays) were, by all accounts, ‘fine,
bold, unruly, mischievous boys.’
‘And how are the other people getting on?’ said I—‘the Greens, for
instance?’
‘Ah! Mr. Green is heart-broken, you know,’ replied she, with a languid
smile: ‘he hasn’t got over his disappointment yet, and never will, I
suppose. He’s doomed to be an old bachelor; and his sisters are doing
their best to get married.’
‘And the Melthams?’
‘Oh, they’re jogging on as usual, I suppose: but I know very little about
any of them—except Harry,’ said she, blushing slightly, and smiling
again. ‘I saw a great deal of him while we were in London; for, as soon
as he heard we were there, he came up under pretence of visiting his
brother, and either followed me, like a shadow, wherever I went, or met
me, like a reflection, at every turn. You needn’t look so shocked, Miss
Grey; I was very discreet, I assure you, but, you know, one can’t help
being admired. Poor fellow! He was not my only worshipper; though he
was certainly the most conspicuous, and, I think, the most devoted among
them all. And that detestable—ahem—and Sir Thomas chose to take offence
at him—or my profuse expenditure, or something—I don’t exactly know
what—and hurried me down to the country at a moment’s notice; where I’m
to play the hermit, I suppose, for life.’
And she bit her lip, and frowned vindictively upon the fair domain she
had once so coveted to call her own.
‘And Mr. Hatfield,’ said I, ‘what is become of him?’
Again she brightened up, and answered gaily—‘Oh! he made up to an elderly
spinster, and married her, not long since; weighing her heavy purse
against her faded charms, and expecting to find that solace in gold which
was denied him in love—ha, ha!’
‘Well, and I think that’s all—except Mr. Weston: what is he doing?’
‘I don’t know, I’m sure. He’s gone from Horton.’
‘How long since? and where is he gone to?’
‘I know nothing about him,’ replied she, yawning—‘except that he went
about a month ago—I never asked where’ (I would have asked whether it was
to a living or merely another curacy, but thought it better not); ‘and
the people made a great rout about his leaving,’ continued she, ‘much to
Mr. Hatfield’s displeasure; for Hatfield didn’t like him, because he had
too much influence with the common people, and because he was not
sufficiently tractable and submissive to him—and for some other
unpardonable sins, I don’t know what. But now I positively must go and
dress: the second bell will ring directly, and if I come to dinner in
this guise, I shall never hear the end of it from Lady Ashby. It’s a
strange thing one can’t be mistress in one’s own house! Just ring the
bell, and I’ll send for my maid, and tell them to get you some tea. Only
think of that intolerable woman—’
‘Who—your maid?’
‘No;—my mother-in-law—and my unfortunate mistake! Instead of letting her
take herself off to some other house, as she offered to do when I
married, I was fool enough to ask her to live here still, and direct the
affairs of the house for me; because, in the first place, I hoped we
should spend the greater part of the year, in town, and in the second
place, being so young and inexperienced, I was frightened at the idea of
having a houseful of servants to manage, and dinners to order, and
parties to entertain, and all the rest of it, and I thought she might
assist me with her experience; never dreaming she would prove a usurper,
a tyrant, an incubus, a spy, and everything else that’s detestable. I
wish she was dead!’
She then turned to give her orders to the footman, who had been standing
bolt upright within the door for the last half minute, and had heard the
latter part of her animadversions; and, of course, made his own
reflections upon them, notwithstanding the inflexible, wooden countenance
he thought proper to preserve in the drawing-room. On my remarking
afterwards that he must have heard her, she replied—‘Oh, no matter! I
never care about the footmen; they’re mere automatons: it’s nothing to
them what their superiors say or do; they won’t dare to repeat it; and as
to what they think—if they presume to think at all—of course, nobody
cares for that. It would be a pretty thing indeed, it we were to be
tongue-tied by our servants!’
So saying, she ran off to make her hasty toilet, leaving me to pilot my
way back to my sitting-room, where, in due time, I was served with a cup
of tea. After that, I sat musing on Lady Ashby’s past and present
condition; and on what little information I had obtained respecting Mr.
Weston, and the small chance there was of ever seeing or hearing anything
more of him throughout my quiet, drab-colour life: which, henceforth,
seemed to offer no alternative between positive rainy days, and days of
dull grey clouds without downfall. At length, however, I began to weary
of my thoughts, and to wish I knew where to find the library my hostess
had spoken of; and to wonder whether I was to remain there doing nothing
till bed-time.
As I was not rich enough to possess a watch, I could not tell how time
was passing, except by observing the slowly lengthening shadows from the
window; which presented a side view, including a corner of the park, a
clump of trees whose topmost branches had been colonized by an
innumerable company of noisy rooks, and a high wall with a massive wooden
gate: no doubt communicating with the stable-yard, as a broad
carriage-road swept up to it from the park. The shadow of this wall soon
took possession of the whole of the ground as far as I could see, forcing
the golden sunlight to retreat inch by inch, and at last take refuge in
the very tops of the trees. Ere long, even they were left in shadow—the
shadow of the distant hills, or of the earth itself; and, in sympathy for
the busy citizens of the rookery, I regretted to see their habitation, so
lately bathed in glorious light, reduced to the sombre, work-a-day hue of
the lower world, or of my own world within. For a moment, such birds as
soared above the rest might still receive the lustre on their wings,
which imparted to their sable plumage the hue and brilliance of deep red
gold; at last, that too departed. Twilight came stealing on; the rooks
became more quiet; I became more weary, and wished I were going home
to-morrow. At length it grew dark; and I was thinking of ringing for a
candle, and betaking myself to bed, when my hostess appeared, with many
apologies for having neglected me so long, and laying all the blame upon
that ‘nasty old woman,’ as she called her mother-in-law.
‘If I didn’t sit with her in the drawing-room while Sir Thomas is taking
his wine,’ said she, ‘she would never forgive me; and then, if I leave
the room the instant he comes—as I have done once or twice—it is an
unpardonable offence against her dear Thomas. _She_ never showed such
disrespect to _her_ husband: and as for affection, wives never think of
that now-a-days, she supposes: but things were different in _her_ time—as
if there was any good to be done by staying in the room, when he does
nothing but grumble and scold when he’s in a bad humour, talk disgusting
nonsense when he’s in a good one, and go to sleep on the sofa when he’s
too stupid for either; which is most frequently the case now, when he has
nothing to do but to sot over his wine.’
‘But could you not try to occupy his mind with something better; and
engage him to give up such habits? I’m sure you have powers of
persuasion, and qualifications for amusing a gentleman, which many ladies
would be glad to possess.’
‘And so you think I would lay myself out for his amusement! No: that’s
not _my_ idea of a wife. It’s the husband’s part to please the wife, not
hers to please him; and if he isn’t satisfied with her as she is—and
thankful to possess her too—he isn’t worthy of her, that’s all. And as
for persuasion, I assure you I shan’t trouble myself with that: I’ve
enough to do to bear with him as he is, without attempting to work a
reform. But I’m sorry I left you so long alone, Miss Grey. How have you
passed the time?’
‘Chiefly in watching the rooks.’
‘Mercy, how dull you must have been! I really must show you the library;
and you must ring for everything you want, just as you would in an inn,
and make yourself comfortable. I have selfish reasons for wishing to
make you happy, because I want you to stay with me, and not fulfil your
horrid threat of running away in a day or two.’
‘Well, don’t let me keep you out of the drawing-room any longer to-night,
for at present I am tired and wish to go to bed.’
CHAPTER XXIII—THE PARK
I came down a little before eight, next morning, as I knew by the
striking of a distant clock. There was no appearance of breakfast. I
waited above an hour before it came, still vainly longing for access to
the library; and, after that lonely repast was concluded, I waited again
about an hour and a half in great suspense and discomfort, uncertain what
to do. At length Lady Ashby came to bid me good-morning. She informed
me she had only just breakfasted, and now wanted me to take an early walk
with her in the park. She asked how long I had been up, and on receiving
my answer, expressed the deepest regret, and again promised to show me
the library. I suggested she had better do so at once, and then there
would be no further trouble either with remembering or forgetting. She
complied, on condition that I would not think of reading, or bothering
with the books now; for she wanted to show me the gardens, and take a
walk in the park with me, before it became too hot for enjoyment; which,
indeed, was nearly the case already. Of course I readily assented; and
we took our walk accordingly.
As we were strolling in the park, talking of what my companion had seen
and heard during her travelling experience, a gentleman on horseback rode
up and passed us. As he turned, in passing, and stared me full in the
face, I had a good opportunity of seeing what he was like. He was tall,
thin, and wasted, with a slight stoop in the shoulders, a pale face, but
somewhat blotchy, and disagreeably red about the eyelids, plain features,
and a general appearance of languor and flatness, relieved by a sinister
expression in the mouth and the dull, soulless eyes.
‘I detest that man!’ whispered Lady Ashby, with bitter emphasis, as he
slowly trotted by.
‘Who is it?’ I asked, unwilling to suppose that she should so speak of
her husband.
‘Sir Thomas Ashby,’ she replied, with dreary composure.
‘And do you _detest_ him, Miss Murray?’ said I, for I was too much
shocked to remember her name at the moment.
‘Yes, I do, Miss Grey, and despise him too; and if you knew him you would
not blame me.’
‘But you knew what he was before you married him.’
‘No; I only thought so: I did not half know him really. I know you
warned me against it, and I wish I had listened to you: but it’s too late
to regret that now. And besides, mamma ought to have known better than
either of us, and she never said anything against it—quite the contrary.
And then I thought he adored me, and would let me have my own way: he did
pretend to do so at first, but now he does not care a bit about me. Yet
I should not care for that: he might do as he pleased, if I might only be
free to amuse myself and to stay in London, or have a few friends down
here: but _he will_ do as he pleases, and I must be a prisoner and a
slave. The moment he saw I could enjoy myself without him, and that
others knew my value better than himself, the selfish wretch began to
accuse me of coquetry and extravagance; and to abuse Harry Meltham, whose
shoes he was not worthy to clean. And then he must needs have me down in
the country, to lead the life of a nun, lest I should dishonour him or
bring him to ruin; as if he had not been ten times worse every way, with
his betting-book, and his gaming-table, and his opera-girls, and his Lady
This and Mrs. That—yes, and his bottles of wine, and glasses of
brandy-and-water too! Oh, I would give ten thousand worlds to be Miss
Murray again! It is _too_ bad to feel life, health, and beauty wasting
away, unfelt and unenjoyed, for such a brute as that!’ exclaimed she,
fairly bursting into tears in the bitterness of her vexation.
Of course, I pitied her exceedingly; as well for her false idea of
happiness and disregard of duty, as for the wretched partner with whom
her fate was linked. I said what I could to comfort her, and offered
such counsels as I thought she most required: advising her, first, by
gentle reasoning, by kindness, example, and persuasion, to try to
ameliorate her husband; and then, when she had done all she could, if she
still found him incorrigible, to endeavour to abstract herself from
him—to wrap herself up in her own integrity, and trouble herself as
little about him as possible. I exhorted her to seek consolation in
doing her duty to God and man, to put her trust in Heaven, and solace
herself with the care and nurture of her little daughter; assuring her
she would be amply rewarded by witnessing its progress in strength and
wisdom, and receiving its genuine affection.
‘But I can’t devote myself entirely to a child,’ said she; ‘it may
die—which is not at all improbable.’
‘But, with care, many a delicate infant has become a strong man or
woman.’
‘But it may grow so intolerably like its father that I shall hate it.’
‘That is not likely; it is a little girl, and strongly resembles its
mother.’
‘No matter; I should like it better if it were a boy—only that its father
will leave it no inheritance that he can possibly squander away. What
pleasure can I have in seeing a girl grow up to eclipse me, and enjoy
those pleasures that I am for ever debarred from? But supposing I could
be so generous as to take delight in this, still it is _only_ a child;
and I can’t centre all my hopes in a child: that is only one degree
better than devoting oneself to a dog. And as for all the wisdom and
goodness you have been trying to instil into me—that is all very right
and proper, I daresay, and if I were some twenty years older, I might
fructify by it: but people must enjoy themselves when they are young; and
if others won’t let them—why, they must hate them for it!’
‘The best way to enjoy yourself is to do what is right and hate nobody.
The end of Religion is not to teach us how to die, but how to live; and
the earlier you become wise and good, the more of happiness you secure.
And now, Lady Ashby, I have one more piece of advice to offer you, which
is, that you will not make an enemy of your mother-in-law. Don’t get
into the way of holding her at arms’ length, and regarding her with
jealous distrust. I never saw her, but I have heard good as well as evil
respecting her; and I imagine that, though cold and haughty in her
general demeanour, and even exacting in her requirements, she has strong
affections for those who can reach them; and, though so blindly attached
to her son, she is not without good principles, or incapable of hearing
reason. If you would but conciliate her a little, and adopt a friendly,
open manner—and even confide your grievances to her—real grievances, such
as you have a right to complain of—it is my firm belief that she would,
in time, become your faithful friend, and a comfort and support to you,
instead of the incubus you describe her.’ But I fear my advice had
little effect upon the unfortunate young lady; and, finding I could
render myself so little serviceable, my residence at Ashby Park became
doubly painful. But still, I must stay out that day and the following
one, as I had promised to do so: though, resisting all entreaties and
inducements to prolong my visit further, I insisted upon departing the
next morning; affirming that my mother would be lonely without me, and
that she impatiently expected my return. Nevertheless, it was with a
heavy heart that I bade adieu to poor Lady Ashby, and left her in her
princely home. It was no slight additional proof of her unhappiness,
that she should so cling to the consolation of my presence, and earnestly
desire the company of one whose general tastes and ideas were so little
congenial to her own—whom she had completely forgotten in her hour of
prosperity, and whose presence would be rather a nuisance than a
pleasure, if she could but have half her heart’s desire.
CHAPTER XXIV—THE SANDS
Our school was not situated in the heart of the town: on entering A---
from the north-west there is a row of respectable-looking houses, on each
side of the broad, white road, with narrow slips of garden-ground before
them, Venetian blinds to the windows, and a flight of steps leading to
each trim, brass-handled door. In one of the largest of these
habitations dwelt my mother and I, with such young ladies as our friends
and the public chose to commit to our charge. Consequently, we were a
considerable distance from the sea, and divided from it by a labyrinth of
streets and houses. But the sea was my delight; and I would often gladly
pierce the town to obtain the pleasure of a walk beside it, whether with
the pupils, or alone with my mother during the vacations. It was
delightful to me at all times and seasons, but especially in the wild
commotion of a rough sea-breeze, and in the brilliant freshness of a
summer morning.
I awoke early on the third morning after my return from Ashby Park—the
sun was shining through the blind, and I thought how pleasant it would be
to pass through the quiet town and take a solitary ramble on the sands
while half the world was in bed. I was not long in forming the
resolution, nor slow to act upon it. Of course I would not disturb my
mother, so I stole noiselessly downstairs, and quietly unfastened the
door. I was dressed and out, when the church clock struck a quarter to
six. There was a feeling of freshness and vigour in the very streets;
and when I got free of the town, when my foot was on the sands and my
face towards the broad, bright bay, no language can describe the effect
of the deep, clear azure of the sky and ocean, the bright morning
sunshine on the semicircular barrier of craggy cliffs surmounted by green
swelling hills, and on the smooth, wide sands, and the low rocks out at
sea—looking, with their clothing of weeds and moss, like little
grass-grown islands—and above all, on the brilliant, sparkling waves.
And then, the unspeakable purity—and freshness of the air! There was
just enough heat to enhance the value of the breeze, and just enough wind
to keep the whole sea in motion, to make the waves come bounding to the
shore, foaming and sparkling, as if wild with glee. Nothing else was
stirring—no living creature was visible besides myself. My footsteps
were the first to press the firm, unbroken sands;—nothing before had
trampled them since last night’s flowing tide had obliterated the deepest
marks of yesterday, and left them fair and even, except where the
subsiding water had left behind it the traces of dimpled pools and little
running streams.
Refreshed, delighted, invigorated, I walked along, forgetting all my
cares, feeling as if I had wings to my feet, and could go at least forty
miles without fatigue, and experiencing a sense of exhilaration to which
I had been an entire stranger since the days of early youth. About
half-past six, however, the grooms began to come down to air their
masters’ horses—first one, and then another, till there were some dozen
horses and five or six riders: but that need not trouble me, for they
would not come as far as the low rocks which I was now approaching. When
I had reached these, and walked over the moist, slippery sea-weed (at the
risk of floundering into one of the numerous pools of clear, salt water
that lay between them), to a little mossy promontory with the sea
splashing round it, I looked back again to see who next was stirring.
Still, there were only the early grooms with their horses, and one
gentleman with a little dark speck of a dog running before him, and one
water-cart coming out of the town to get water for the baths. In another
minute or two, the distant bathing machines would begin to move, and then
the elderly gentlemen of regular habits and sober quaker ladies would be
coming to take their salutary morning walks. But however interesting
such a scene might be, I could not wait to witness it, for the sun and
the sea so dazzled my eyes in that direction, that I could but afford one
glance; and then I turned again to delight myself with the sight and the
sound of the sea, dashing against my promontory—with no prodigious force,
for the swell was broken by the tangled sea-weed and the unseen rocks
beneath; otherwise I should soon have been deluged with spray. But the
tide was coming in; the water was rising; the gulfs and lakes were
filling; the straits were widening: it was time to seek some safer
footing; so I walked, skipped, and stumbled back to the smooth, wide
sands, and resolved to proceed to a certain bold projection in the
cliffs, and then return.
Presently, I heard a snuffling sound behind me and then a dog came
frisking and wriggling to my feet. It was my own Snap—the little dark,
wire-haired terrier! When I spoke his name, he leapt up in my face and
yelled for joy. Almost as much delighted as himself, I caught the little
creature in my arms, and kissed him repeatedly. But how came he to be
there? He could not have dropped from the sky, or come all that way
alone: it must be either his master, the rat-catcher, or somebody else
that had brought him; so, repressing my extravagant caresses, and
endeavouring to repress his likewise, I looked round, and beheld—Mr.
Weston!
‘Your dog remembers you well, Miss Grey,’ said he, warmly grasping the
hand I offered him without clearly knowing what I was about. ‘You rise
early.’
‘Not often so early as this,’ I replied, with amazing composure,
considering all the circumstances of the case.
‘How far do you purpose to extend your walk?’
‘I was thinking of returning—it must be almost time, I think.’
He consulted his watch—a gold one now—and told me it was only five
minutes past seven.
‘But, doubtless, you have had a long enough walk,’ said he, turning
towards the town, to which I now proceeded leisurely to retrace my steps;
and he walked beside me.
‘In what part of the town do you live?’ asked he. ‘I never could
discover.’
Never could discover? Had he endeavoured to do so then? I told him the
place of our abode. He asked how we prospered in our affairs. I told
him we were doing very well—that we had had a considerable addition to
our pupils after the Christmas vacation, and expected a still further
increase at the close of this.
‘You must be an accomplished instructor,’ he observed.
‘No, it is my mother,’ I replied; ‘she manages things so well, and is so
active, and clever, and kind.’
‘I should like to know your mother. Will you introduce me to her some
time, if I call?’
‘Yes, willingly.’
‘And will you allow me the privilege of an old friend, of looking in upon
you now and then?’
‘Yes, if—I suppose so.’
This was a very foolish answer, but the truth was, I considered that I
had no right to invite anyone to my mother’s house without her knowledge;
and if I had said, ‘Yes, if my mother does not object,’ it would appear
as if by his question I understood more than was expected; so,
_supposing_ she would not, I added, ‘I suppose so:’ but of course I
should have said something more sensible and more polite, if I had had my
wits about me. We continued our walk for a minute in silence; which,
however, was shortly relieved (no small relief to me) by Mr. Weston
commenting upon the brightness of the morning and the beauty of the bay,
and then upon the advantages A--- possessed over many other fashionable
places of resort.
‘You don’t ask what brings me to A--- ’ said he. ‘You can’t suppose I’m
rich enough to come for my own pleasure.’
‘I heard you had left Horton.’
‘You didn’t hear, then, that I had got the living of F---?’
F--- was a village about two miles distant from A---.
‘No,’ said I; ‘we live so completely out of the world, even here, that
news seldom reaches me through any quarter; except through the medium of
the—_Gazette_. But I hope you like your new parish; and that I may
congratulate you on the acquisition?’
‘I expect to like my parish better a year or two hence, when I have
worked certain reforms I have set my heart upon—or, at least, progressed
some steps towards such an achievement. But you may congratulate me now;
for I find it very agreeable to _have_ a parish all to myself, with
nobody to interfere with me—to thwart my plans or cripple my exertions:
and besides, I have a respectable house in a rather pleasant
neighbourhood, and three hundred pounds a year; and, in fact, I have
nothing but solitude to complain of, and nothing but a companion to wish
for.’
He looked at me as he concluded: and the flash of his dark eyes seemed to
set my face on fire; greatly to my own discomfiture, for to evince
confusion at such a juncture was intolerable. I made an effort,
therefore, to remedy the evil, and disclaim all personal application of
the remark by a hasty, ill-expressed reply, to the effect that, if he
waited till he was well known in the neighbourhood, he might have
numerous opportunities for supplying his want among the residents of F---
and its vicinity, or the visitors of A---, if he required so ample a
choice: not considering the compliment implied by such an assertion, till
his answer made me aware of it.
‘I am not so presumptuous as to believe that,’ said he, ‘though you tell
it me; but if it were so, I am rather particular in my notions of a
companion for life, and perhaps I might not find one to suit me among the
ladies you mention.’
‘If you require perfection, you never will.’
‘I do not—I have no right to require it, as being so far from perfect
myself.’
Here the conversation was interrupted by a water-cart lumbering past us,
for we were now come to the busy part of the sands; and, for the next
eight or ten minutes, between carts and horses, and asses, and men, there
was little room for social intercourse, till we had turned our backs upon
the sea, and begun to ascend the precipitous road leading into the town.
Here my companion offered me his arm, which I accepted, though not with
the intention of using it as a support.
‘You don’t often come on to the sands, I think,’ said he, ‘for I have
walked there many times, both morning and evening, since I came, and
never seen you till now; and several times, in passing through the town,
too, I have looked about for your school—but I did not think of the—Road;
and once or twice I made inquiries, but without obtaining the requisite
information.’
When we had surmounted the acclivity, I was about to withdraw my arm from
his, but by a slight tightening of the elbow was tacitly informed that
such was not his will, and accordingly desisted. Discoursing on
different subjects, we entered the town, and passed through several
streets. I saw that he was going out of his way to accompany me,
notwithstanding the long walk that was yet before him; and, fearing that
he might be inconveniencing himself from motives of politeness, I
observed—‘I fear I am taking you out of your way, Mr. Weston—I believe
the road to F--- lies quite in another direction.’
‘I’ll leave you at the end of the next street,’ said he.
‘And when will you come to see mamma?’
‘To-morrow—God willing.’
The end of the next street was nearly the conclusion of my journey. He
stopped there, however, bid me good-morning, and called Snap, who seemed
a little doubtful whether to follow his old mistress or his new master,
but trotted away upon being summoned by the latter.
‘I won’t offer to restore him to you, Miss Grey,’ said Mr. Weston,
smiling, ‘because I like him.’
‘Oh, I don’t want him,’ replied I, ‘now that he has a good master; I’m
quite satisfied.’
‘You take it for granted that I am a good one, then?’
The man and the dog departed, and I returned home, full of gratitude to
heaven for so much bliss, and praying that my hopes might not again be
crushed.
CHAPTER XXV—CONCLUSION
‘Well, Agnes, you must not take such long walks again before breakfast,’
said my mother, observing that I drank an extra cup of coffee and ate
nothing—pleading the heat of the weather, and the fatigue of my long walk
as an excuse. I certainly did feel feverish and tired too.
‘You always do things by extremes: now, if you had taken a _short_ walk
every morning, and would continue to do so, it would do you good.’
‘Well, mamma, I will.’
‘But this is worse than lying in bed or bending over your books: you have
quite put yourself into a fever.’
‘I won’t do it again,’ said I.
I was racking my brains with thinking how to tell her about Mr. Weston,
for she must know he was coming to-morrow. However, I waited till the
breakfast things were removed, and I was more calm and cool; and then,
having sat down to my drawing, I began—‘I met an old friend on the sands
to-day, mamma.’
‘An old friend! Who could it be?’
‘Two old friends, indeed. One was a dog;’ and then I reminded her of
Snap, whose history I had recounted before, and related the incident of
his sudden appearance and remarkable recognition; ‘and the other,’
continued I, ‘was Mr. Weston, the curate of Horton.’
‘Mr. Weston! I never heard of him before.’
‘Yes, you have: I’ve mentioned him several times, I believe: but you
don’t remember.’
‘I’ve heard you speak of Mr. Hatfield.’
‘Mr. Hatfield was the rector, and Mr. Weston the curate: I used to
mention him sometimes in contradistinction to Mr. Hatfield, as being a
more efficient clergyman. However, he was on the sands this morning with
the dog—he had bought it, I suppose, from the rat-catcher; and he knew me
as well as it did—probably through its means: and I had a little
conversation with him, in the course of which, as he asked about our
school, I was led to say something about you, and your good management;
and he said he should like to know you, and asked if I would introduce
him to you, if he should take the liberty of calling to-morrow; so I said
I would. Was I right?’
‘Of course. What kind of a man is he?’
‘A very _respectable_ man, I think: but you will see him to-morrow. He
is the new vicar of F---, and as he has only been there a few weeks, I
suppose he has made no friends yet, and wants a little society.’
The morrow came. What a fever of anxiety and expectation I was in from
breakfast till noon—at which time he made his appearance! Having
introduced him to my mother, I took my work to the window, and sat down
to await the result of the interview. They got on extremely well
together—greatly to my satisfaction, for I had felt very anxious about
what my mother would think of him. He did not stay long that time: but
when he rose to take leave, she said she should be happy to see him,
whenever he might find it convenient to call again; and when he was gone,
I was gratified by hearing her say,—‘Well! I think he’s a very sensible
man. But why did you sit back there, Agnes,’ she added, ‘and talk so
little?’
‘Because you talked so well, mamma, I thought you required no assistance
from me: and, besides, he was your visitor, not mine.’
After that, he often called upon us—several times in the course of a
week. He generally addressed most of his conversation to my mother: and
no wonder, for she could converse. I almost envied the unfettered,
vigorous fluency of her discourse, and the strong sense evinced by
everything she said—and yet, I did not; for, though I occasionally
regretted my own deficiencies for his sake, it gave me very great
pleasure to sit and hear the two beings I loved and honoured above every
one else in the world, discoursing together so amicably, so wisely, and
so well. I was not always silent, however; nor was I at all neglected.
I was quite as much noticed as I would wish to be: there was no lack of
kind words and kinder looks, no end of delicate attentions, too fine and
subtle to be grasped by words, and therefore indescribable—but deeply
felt at heart.
Ceremony was quickly dropped between us: Mr. Weston came as an expected
guest, welcome at all times, and never deranging the economy of our
household affairs. He even called me ‘Agnes:’ the name had been timidly
spoken at first, but, finding it gave no offence in any quarter, he
seemed greatly to prefer that appellation to ‘Miss Grey;’ and so did I.
How tedious and gloomy were those days in which he did not come! And yet
not miserable; for I had still the remembrance of the last visit and the
hope of the next to cheer me. But when two or three days passed without
my seeing him, I certainly felt very anxious—absurdly, unreasonably so;
for, of course, he had his own business and the affairs of his parish to
attend to. And I dreaded the close of the holidays, when _my_ business
also would begin, and I should be sometimes unable to see him, and
sometimes—when my mother was in the schoolroom—obliged to be with him
alone: a position I did not at all desire, in the house; though to meet
him out of doors, and walk beside him, had proved by no means
disagreeable.
One evening, however, in the last week of the vacation, he
arrived—unexpectedly: for a heavy and protracted thunder-shower during
the afternoon had almost destroyed my hopes of seeing him that day; but
now the storm was over, and the sun was shining brightly.
‘A beautiful evening, Mrs. Grey!’ said he, as he entered. ‘Agnes, I want
you to take a walk with me to ---’ (he named a certain part of the
coast—a bold hill on the land side, and towards the sea a steep
precipice, from the summit of which a glorious view is to be had). ‘The
rain has laid the dust, and cooled and cleared the air, and the prospect
will be magnificent. Will you come?’
‘Can I go, mamma?’
‘Yes; to be sure.’
I went to get ready, and was down again in a few minutes; though, of
course, I took a little more pains with my attire than if I had merely
been going out on some shopping expedition alone. The thunder-shower had
certainly had a most beneficial effect upon the weather, and the evening
was most delightful. Mr. Weston would have me to take his arm; he said
little during our passage through the crowded streets, but walked very
fast, and appeared grave and abstracted. I wondered what was the matter,
and felt an indefinite dread that something unpleasant was on his mind;
and vague surmises, concerning what it might be, troubled me not a
little, and made me grave and silent enough. But these fantasies
vanished upon reaching the quiet outskirts of the town; for as soon as we
came within sight of the venerable old church, and the—hill, with the
deep blue beyond it, I found my companion was cheerful enough.
‘I’m afraid I’ve been walking too fast for you, Agnes,’ said he: ‘in my
impatience to be rid of the town, I forgot to consult your convenience;
but now we’ll walk as slowly as you please. I see, by those light clouds
in the west, there will be a brilliant sunset, and we shall be in time to
witness its effect upon the sea, at the most moderate rate of
progression.’
When we had got about half-way up the hill, we fell into silence again;
which, as usual, he was the first to break.
‘My house is desolate yet, Miss Grey,’ he smilingly observed, ‘and I am
acquainted now with all the ladies in my parish, and several in this town
too; and many others I know by sight and by report; but not one of them
will suit me for a companion; in fact, there is only one person in the
world that will: and that is yourself; and I want to know your decision?’
‘Are you in earnest, Mr. Weston?’
‘In earnest! How could you think I should jest on such a subject?’
He laid his hand on mine, that rested on his arm: he must have felt it
tremble—but it was no great matter now.
‘I hope I have not been too precipitate,’ he said, in a serious tone.
‘You must have known that it was not my way to flatter and talk soft
nonsense, or even to speak the admiration that I felt; and that a single
word or glance of mine meant more than the honied phrases and fervent
protestations of most other men.’
I said something about not liking to leave my mother, and doing nothing
without her consent.
‘I settled everything with Mrs. Grey, while you were putting on your
bonnet,’ replied he. ‘She said I might have her consent, if I could
obtain yours; and I asked her, in case I should be so happy, to come and
live with us—for I was sure you would like it better. But she refused,
saying she could now afford to employ an assistant, and would continue
the school till she could purchase an annuity sufficient to maintain her
in comfortable lodgings; and, meantime, she would spend her vacations
alternately with us and your sister, and should be quite contented if you
were happy. And so now I have overruled your objections on her account.
Have you any other?’
‘No—none.’
‘You love me then?’ said he, fervently pressing my hand.
‘Yes.’
* * * * *
Here I pause. My Diary, from which I have compiled these pages, goes but
little further. I could go on for years, but I will content myself with
adding, that I shall never forget that glorious summer evening, and
always remember with delight that steep hill, and the edge of the
precipice where we stood together, watching the splendid sunset mirrored
in the restless world of waters at our feet—with hearts filled with
gratitude to heaven, and happiness, and love—almost too full for speech.
A few weeks after that, when my mother had supplied herself with an
assistant, I became the wife of Edward Weston; and never have found cause
to repent it, and am certain that I never shall. We have had trials, and
we know that we must have them again; but we bear them well together, and
endeavour to fortify ourselves and each other against the final
separation—that greatest of all afflictions to the survivor. But, if we
keep in mind the glorious heaven beyond, where both may meet again, and
sin and sorrow are unknown, surely that too may be borne; and, meantime,
we endeavour to live to the glory of Him who has scattered so many
blessings in our path.
Edward, by his strenuous exertions, has worked surprising reforms in his
parish, and is esteemed and loved by its inhabitants—as he deserves; for
whatever his faults may be as a man (and no one is entirely without), I
defy anybody to blame him as a pastor, a husband, or a father.
Our children, Edward, Agnes, and little Mary, promise well; their
education, for the time being, is chiefly committed to me; and they shall
want no good thing that a mother’s care can give. Our modest income is
amply sufficient for our requirements: and by practising the economy we
learnt in harder times, and never attempting to imitate our richer
neighbours, we manage not only to enjoy comfort and contentment
ourselves, but to have every year something to lay by for our children,
and something to give to those who need it.
And now I think I have said sufficient.
* * * * *
_Spottiswode & Co. Ltd._, _Printers_, _London_. _Colchester and Eton_.
***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AGNES GREY***
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